[Music] Hey people, oh welcome to church and other drugs. I am on a recording role right now just got done recording with the elders. That is the new name of the Desperados, Ken and Ben, Andrew, super fun episode. That'll be out next week but today we have the return of Suki Jones and we, I guess we'll trigger warning it. I just go into a lot of my drug past a little bit and we just tell some stories. Stuff just kept coming to me. It was a good conversation. I had a lot of fun. I think some of it is a little intense but just remember that. I'm a man in recovery and things are great. Life is good. Ruthie just had her nine month birthday. Yeah, I can't complain. I also, I'm not sure when it would be coming out but I was on the chasing heroin, heroin with an E podcast which is a YouTube show also. And that one I'm basically ending up telling my, like the most detailed and I think I've ever told my story. We did like an hour and 20 minutes and we're like halfway through my life so we're doing a part two but I will share that when it comes out. Check out the Emojellicles patreon.com/churchtotherdrugs and also the other show I co-host with Conglomerant of other people, Pastor with no answers, the mixtape era. We are revamping and doing big things with that show so don't forget to support them and go listen and that's it and enjoy the show. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] How's it going? It's going. How's it going for you, Chad? Dude, it's frantic. It's frantic today. So I, you know, I had a baby. Oh, yeah. So she just had her nine month birthday yesterday. Already nine months. Dude. Yeah. Did I have her last time we talked? I think when we recorded, I want to say she had just been born. That sounds right. I think she was brand new. That sounds right. So today, so everything's just, you know, even the basic stuff is just magnified. So like today, we're having, so we went from none of our friends had children or had young children. If they had kids, they were like, you know, ten or something. So we were like, okay, you know, we'll just, that's just how it is. And within like two months of her being born, four of our good friends are pregnant. Oh, wow. So the first one is about to arrive this month. And then our other friends. Maddie, they're coming over tonight to eat. So it's like the simple thing. And then it's like, oh, so I got to like clean up. And then like one person's got to watch the kid because she's, she's a definite Velcro baby. And so we haven't, we haven't figured out how to like someone has to be with her. So we just trade off, you know, someone's got to be right there with her. So it's been an adventure, you know, it's. Yeah. Dude, it's fucking stressful. It's so stressful. It is stressful. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Does she like sleep through the night and stuff? She does. So like. Oh, thank God for that. Yes. And she knock on wood, she never not has really like she's in that regard. She's been unbelievably a blessing and she's like the chillest baby in the world. But it's, it's a, it's like adjusting to the changes. So it was, you know, it was a different story when basically to watch her just meant like she's going to sleep on your lap. And now to watch her is, you know, she's very active and I'm very aware of how addicted to my phone. I am and how like not present. I'm being or how distracted I'm being. And it's, it's like, you know, one of the reasons I was afraid of having kids is because like, oh, I'm going to have to grow up. And like, I'm such a selfish kid, you know, and it's, it's, it's been, it's been a thing. You, that was one thing. I was like, what are we going to talk about? And I was like, oh, yeah, she has, she has children. Yes. Yes. So you, how many do you have? I have two and they're fully adults now. Yes. Yes. So you did it. I did it. Yeah. They were, and they're relatively, they're under two years apart. So like it was a lot, like it was a lot like my first was absolute, my first born very much like had to rock her to sleep and like just, you know, it was your first baby. So you're just like, you know, very. Yeah, like very, I mean, not that I'm not into my second one, like the second one was, but I was more relaxed when the one came along and I was like, oh, I know how to do this. I know. Okay, I can do this, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot. It is a lot. And you, okay, so you didn't, well, so you didn't start using really until what was the timeline as far as the kids go and like when you really took off. I didn't like as far as like, like, I feel like I've always had an addictive personality. Right. You know, but addiction wise, like, it really didn't escalate. Like I, I party and like, you know, like I would party and go through phases with different drugs, alcohol, whatever, throughout like my teens and stuff. And then when, when my youngest, what, when I think it was right after I'm trying to remember, because I have notes on this when I wrote the book. I don't remember. I think it was. Let me think about this. I think it was right after I because I had a third baby that I lost with an actual pregnancy. And then I had gotten a prescription for coding and fear set. That's right. And that was kind of the benchmark. Like that was like, like I would find myself like, like a top one. Because I really didn't, like it wasn't doctor shopping for it. Like he, like, I mentioned having headaches, but of course I had addicts because I had two small kids, you know, yeah, and the doctor was like, Oh, it sounds like you're having tension headaches and he like kind of volunteered it and I was like, yeah, sure, you know, yeah, sure. What is a, how is viewer set? So is that a, that's a, is that a barbit you it? Or is it, I don't know what it's classified as exactly like the way I'm like, yeah, let's find out exactly. I know like there's, there was caffeine to your set and coding, which I thought like in my brain, I was like, it's coding, like whatever like it's like, almost like title. Like it just like didn't take it seriously. I was like, whatever it's coding. So I would pop them like no big deal. I would give them to friends like, and then, you know, like I started running through that prescription faster and faster and faster, you know, until like you then you need more and more. And you have to find different ways to get, you know, it is, I think it is a barbituate. I think. What does it say? Well, because this is one of its ingredients, butow, butow, I don't get, yes, I struggle with pronouncing the barbituates all the time. Butow, butow is a barbituate. But I thought viewer set itself was, oh, it was viewers set the brand name or like the, the pill name. The brand name was coding and viewer set, but I know, but I believe the viewer set is like an ingredient because there's also coding and your and all, which is slightly different. No, okay. So this, this says it is butow, butow. Yeah. And it's a butow, butow, a seat of minifand and caffeine capsules. Yeah, that's the, man, that sounds like the shit. Dude, so one time a little party, like it's like, oh, that sounds like starting like that's a little, that's a little party. I got this. Let me, let me, I got this crazy opiate one time. Oh, God, it like starts with a W. The W. Yeah, it's a. When you. So it was, this is, this is the stories. I was. So I think it was, so this, so these, my doctor shopping adventures. So. Let's see, how did it start? So I broke my arm in Florida skateboard. So I was in sober living in a Clearwater, Florida, and I was working at a resort hotel in Treasure Island, St. Petersburg. It was awesome. I was six months over. Life was cool as shit. And I was hanging out with this, this dude and like his recovery was like skateboarding. So we were long boarding and stuff. And he was like, okay, let's go. Like try like a skate park. And so we went to Martin Luther King skate park in Clearwater, Florida. It's like a public park. And it was a giant bowl, like a pool, swimming pool bowl. What are those are called? And he was, and I had pads on and everything. And he was like, okay, you can do this. And I tried to drop into the bowl and the board shot out from under me. And I basically like punched the ground and completely separated my hand from my, like it was an, it was an S. Because the, because the, I had a wrist brace on, so it braced my forearm and my hand just, so it was literally, and without even, no, it was, it was attached, but it was like to the right of my forearm. Yeah, and I've broken a lot of bones so immediately. I was like, oh God, oh God. And we went to the hospital. And he was like, don't give him anything. He's an addict. And I was like, shoot, shut the fuck up. Like give me something right now. It hurts so bad. And dude, as soon as they hit me, I was like, oh no, like this is great. And so this was early 2000s, mid like before the 2010s, I think. So Florida was still like, pill mill city. And so I was just getting scripts of 30 Vicodins or Percocets or lore tabs at the time. And I would, I figured out how to double up because I had Hep C at the time. So I would, so I would get my prescription of the acetaminophen ones. And I would call back and I would say, Hey, I forgot that I, you know, I have Hepatitis C. So I can't take this. So I was like, I've, I've, but they have something called Vicoprofen, which is, you know, the hydrocodone with ibuprofen. Can you write me that instead? And so I double up that way. And then that was the pain clinic. And then when they ran out, I would hit all the urgent cares. And where it went sideways was, did I, did I tell you the hotel story? I don't think so. I think I've told it on here. But here we go again. So I was working as a bell boy at this super, super classy, historic hotel on the beach in Treasure Island. Like, apparently, like the bushes have stayed there. Like, it's a, it was a sweet job swanky. And a dude I had met in AA was the manager and he was the one that got me the job. And so this was, you know, back in the day, it was still keys, no, no key cards. So the bell boys had keys to all the rooms and we had a walkie talkie. A lot of the employees just lived there. So like during your break, you would just go in someone's house, but it was their room and just like get, you know, smoke weed and drink. And it was a wild place. So I was sober, though, until the pain pills and then, you know, my devious, addict mind started doing its thing. And I was like, wait a minute, like, I've got keys to all the rooms. So I started like waiting for people to leave, you know, and then I'd go in their rooms and mainly I was just looking for drugs. And, dude, one time I walked in on a woman changing and I was like, oh, she was like, what the fuck? I was like, oh, you didn't order room service? She was like, no, and I was like, I'm sorry. You're not holding any food or anything. Nothing, nothing, dude, nothing. So one day, though, I see a big old tour bus. It was like, it was like tour Canada or something. And it was a senior citizen tour bus in all like 14. Oh my God, jackpot, dude. And they all would leave as a group, you know. And so one day they all left as a group. We got a lunch. And I think the second room I went into. Like, you've seen those big prescription bottles, like the ones that are like bigger. Yes, dude. It's like that long cylinder. It was three of those with Oxy, Xanax and Percocets. And I was just like, holy shit. And I just, you know, stuffed my pockets, dude. I didn't take them all, but I, dude, I racked up. And so that's where I fucked up because the Xanax. Okay, so now I am sloppy. And like, I just started doing dumb shit. Like I, they caught me. I was 19 or 20, so I wouldn't know enough to drink. They caught me going behind the Tiki bar and just like taking shots of liquor. Like, what are you doing, man? Like just during the day. We had a, we had a, we had a staff Christmas party and they gave the door prize, not door prize, but the door handout. They gave everybody a scratch off tickets. I just took a fucking like double handful of them and I'm sitting at the table just scratching them all off and my manager comes. He's like, jet, like one each. And I was like, oh, my bad. So the, the big, the big mistake was I, I came in and I was so drowsy. And I was like, okay, I need to take a nap, sleep this off. And there's a penthouse suite that is so exclusive. You have to unlock the elevator to even go to that floor. So I was like, that's my spot. So I unlocked, I unlocked the elevator and I went up there, sat on the chair, kicked my feet up. I put my walkie talkie right next to my ear and turned it all the way up. And I was like, I'm just going to take a quick little nap. Okay. Something like four or five hours later, I wake up to two security guards in my manager. And they, they just said, Chad, what the fuck are you doing? And I had been, I had been sitting with my feet propped up with my legs crossed. Okay. So I just immediately tried to get up and run. And I just, I just hit the deck, dude, because my legs were completely asleep. And so, so then, and I kept trying to get back up and I kept falling over. So then they were like, whoa, whoa, are you okay? And I was just like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And I just fucking ran out the door down the elevator, got my car and fucking drove home. And the next day he called me and he was like, Hey man, you don't have to come in today. I was like, I know, I know. Oh man, was he like forever or like, oh, yeah, I was fired. Oh, no, I was absolutely. I was like, was he understanding? And just like, you know, that, that, that, it was like, you're done. Yeah, maybe if that was the only thing I had done, but this was at the tail end. So, so then I get fucking, I guess I did something at my sober living house. Something obvious because I woke up and they're like, Hey man, like you've been using, you got to go. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And so this is when I guess with Xanax for me, like, I really couldn't like feel pain that much. So this, I'm, so now I'm thinking like, I got to get pain pills. So what can I do? And so I brewed a pot of coffee, like a whole pot and as soon as it was done, like right when it was done, I grabbed it and I just dumped it on my hand, like the whole. Wow. Yeah. And my, Oh dude. And, and, and so I did that and I, I hopped on my moped and I ran to the hospital and my hand was so fucking red. But by the time I got to the hospital, it looked like relatively normal. So I was like, fuck dude. And so I'm sitting, they're not going to give me shit. They're not going to give me nothing. And so I'm pacing around the ER parking lot. I'm like, what can I do? And then I was like, well, fuck it. And I just took a bick lighter and I just cooked. I just put it on the underside of my palm, the other side of my palm and I just cooked my hand. I don't know if you can see the, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And first it didn't, it didn't look like I did anything. And then I just, I just, it looked like soot and I brushed it away. And I took the skin off to the, almost to the bone, like to the muscle. And I was like, oh, this will work. And I went inside. I went inside. Yeah. Yeah. Dude. I was like, fuck. Yeah, bro. And I told him that I had touched my moped muffler and burned it. And they were like, okay. But they gave me a pain pills. They're like, okay. Yep. And I shopped that thing around. Dude, I hit every county, every urgent care. But so also, I was, it's so, Xanax is so wild that like, so I can see it in retrospect and how like I had a girlfriend from that treatment center and I was like, the only place I could stay was like a $20 a day, like shit motel. And she like came to visit. I was just like, what the fuck. And so like, I had been, I had not been taking care of this third degree burn. And I had just been like rinsing it off in the hotel water and just like putting toilet paper on it. And toilet paper had started like grafting into my skin because like, you know, when it sticks from wet. But I just do it. I'm so out of it that I'm unaware to any of this. And so the last doctor I went to, I was like, yeah, blah, blah, blah. Can I get some pills? And he was like, son, I'm going to have to like, take your hand. I was like, what do you mean? He's like, we're going to have to amputate your hand if you want to. I was like, what? What? What? He was like, yeah, he's like, this is infected as all get out, dude. And I like, so that's where I learned that burns are extremely serious because I guess your skin is the first line of defense. And so like, it's so easy to just. So, but he didn't have to amputate. I was able to. Oh, dude, but they had to do that. They had to, if anybody out there is like, has been a burn victim, I feel for you because they have to scrub it. Yeah. Oh my god. Yeah. I have on this arm. Same deal. It got bubbly and gross. And it looked like it looked like like a pizza that had been hooked. And like, yeah, I ended up in the hospital. And they take the frickin beddine and whatever. And the silver dine. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, in my head, I was like, that can't be right. Yeah, dude. It hurts bad. And you have to do it like multiple times as part of the healing thing. So anyway, I got over that. But I would, it was like while I was on Xanax. So then I had, so then my asset was my broken arm and I had x-rays. So I've got your asset. I love that. Yeah, dude. I've got two, two plates and six screws in it like to this day. And so I would, and this dude, it's like the things I could go back and be like, Jed, you are ruining your future self. I would, so I would just slam it in a car door or I would like just whack it on the ground to make the spot like brews up and swell. And then I would go in the ER. And I would say, I fell on my, my broken wrist. Like I'm fucking my wrist. Yeah, yeah. Geez. And so thankfully that period, I don't know what stopped it, but like that was that whole era of like self. Oh my God. This is, this, you know, when you like remember things that you, and this is like, this is like the gnarliest. This is the gnarliest I've got on this show that you just have, but I'm really excited to hear it. So this was, I think this was like the last kind of thing I did for it, but I was, I was working at Smoothie King and this, this, this guy, this was like a job, this was one of my first rehab jobs. So the manager, it was the Smoothie King on the LSU campus. So me and the manager, he knew my whole deal. Like I'd relapsed a couple of times. And so this is when I moved back. So I left Florida, made it back to Baton Rouge and he gave me a job. And I guess like one day I got some Xanax, and I'm like brainstorming brainstorming. And so we have giant cans of peaches. Okay, so you open the cans and I don't know how I did this to myself, but I took the cannon lid and I just started slashing my forearm. And so at first I was like a little, a little cut and then I just, and it, a gigantic wound appeared. And so then I pushed over like a dish rack. And so it made this huge noise and I run around the corner and I'm like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. I cut my, the can opener thing fell on my wrist. And my dude, the, I do remember the look my boss gave me of like, the injury did not match what I said happened. Okay, he was just like, what? Like, okay. How is that possible? How is that possible? Yeah. So yeah, I had to go get, once again, but it worked. I got some, I got, you know, permanent scars, trade off for some pills, man. Sandex, it, it, benzos, and I've seen this with other people too. It would make me like actively and passively like suicidal and like really self injurious. I don't, it's a weird, I don't know why it that specifically does that, but I've seen it happen to some of my friends too. But that was pretty much like after that, I stopped. So there were two drugs that I quit before I quit doing drugs. And it was Xanax and IV cocaine period. Because they, those two, I was absolutely ruining my life. And I was like, if you even want to do drugs, Jed, like you've got to stop with that. So you can enjoy the other ones. Yeah, man. Because it was just, dude, life, you just, I hate, and now I can't stand people on Xanax now, like people that are barred out, like, that's, that's, I guess it's the same as like dealing with a massively drunk person to where it's just the single most annoying thing in the world to me. Yeah, it's weird. You know what's so funny is that like at the same time when I, I had a Valium prescription and a Xanax prescription at the same time. Like, why? That's so funny. Like, why? It must have been two different doctors. I was talking because they wouldn't have given them, they wouldn't have given them them to me. The same doctor wouldn't have given them to me, I don't think. Well, it's so weird, but I didn't like the Xanax. And this, now here, I don't, this is like, this is so, this is a weird thing. I didn't like the Xanax, my first off, because I didn't like the way it looked. I didn't like the bar, and it was, it was like, aesthetically, I didn't like it. The Valium. Valiums are pretty. They were pretty. I would tell them, I want name brand, because I wanted it with the cutout in it. Oh, it's like the cutout V. It is a V cutout. Yeah. And I would get it in different strengths, and I would go like to like shows and raves and parties and stuff, and I would have it strung. I would string it like a necklace. Oh my God. Yeah. And would you like give it to people or that was all for you? I would give it to friends, like, you know, like I would give it to friends. But it's so funny, because like, I would, I would like ignore the Xanax in the bottle of Xanax. I'd be like, if I have to take a Xanax, I guess. But like, I like the effect, better Valium, but I think absolutely the aesthetic appeal of it weighed into that, like for sure, because I thought that the V's were so cool, and the colors were pretty on the Valium too. And it was like this, like, buttery yellow, and it's like blue. Did you ever, did you ever get your hands on a prescription pad? I didn't take a whole pad. Yes, I knew. Yes, dude. Not a whole pad, but I just, but I took extra copies and I just copied over. And like, this is where this was the stupid thing. I went to my mom and pop pharmacy, right, right, here in this little town that I live in now. And I turned them both, like, I had two that I had, I was like, and I, and I remember, like, trying to figure out, like, what the little Latin symbol, I was like, I'm doing this right, like, I don't want to. I took Latin in high school, so it helped me. I knew it. Oh, God, I was like, I was like, my doing this right. So, and I turned in both the prescriptions at the same time. And I remember, but the thing is the doctor had given me multiple prescriptions before, like one for this month, one for next month. It wasn't that unusual, but like, she was, she, I don't remember what happened, but she was like, it was guys drugs, and the woman was like, the woman. And like, it was like, she worked there all the time. Like, she was like, the pharmacist assistant. She was like, oh, maybe I should call the doctor about that. I was like, no. That's not okay. You know, I'll just, I'll just, when I run out of this one, you know, my head, I'm like, no, I'll just take another different pharmacy where they're not going to ask me questions about it. But like, I was like, oh shit. Oh shit. Like, no, don't, don't call the doctor because he's going to be like, I didn't write that, you know, like, I don't, that's missing from my pad. Yes, that's the same thing. I think, and it's, this, I just have like a vague flash of like reaching on a desk and like, like ripping off a few or whatever. And. Or adding to the prescription. I know that. So that is what I, that is how I got caught because my dumb ass, dude, I turned to 10 to like a hundred or so, or like maybe like something that they don't do. And, and same thing. They were like, uh, we got to, we got to call your doctor. And I was like, no, no, no, no, don't eat. No, I'm good. Don't eat more about it. Don't eat more about it. Which makes you look so much more obsessed back when you're like, no, no, no, not just back to me. Like, I'm fine. You know, like, that's no need to worry. I, I wonder how much there's two things I wish I had like a, a, a time clock for how many years or months I've spent waiting and parking lots for dealers and. Oh my God, I was just thinking about that this morning when I was at the store. Yes, or, or, or dealing with a pharmacy, like being in a pharmacy, waiting in a pharmacy line, screaming at us. I've only done that a couple of times where I got more on the phone. Yes. Yes. Why can't you give it early? How early can I get it? Um, I lost it. And I do a bunch. I had, um, my prescriptions, like stolen a few times because I was like, you know, in the drug world. And it was like my suboxone and, and my doc, I think it was like twice in one month. My doctor was like, you can't keep doing this, man. Like, this was, this was like the most crooked doctor. I had, I say crooked. He was a really cool guy. I think he just wasn't very ethical, but he, dude, he had me on 120 sub, uh, eight milligrams a box in a month, uh, 90 at or all 30s and 90 whatever bins. Oh, I wanted, I would switch every month. I'd be like, give me Xanax this month, give me Valium this month. He gave me, um, which I had never. Yeah. Okay. Like, I could, well, we would just sit there and just talk, uh, about, you know, he would just be like, yeah, let's try this. I would get, because I was the king of like, trying to get, like, instead of Adderall, give me, like, uh, trying to get to Socks and like the methamphetamine pharmaceutical methamphetamine or like, that's a dream, where it's just the DM. Or, but he gave me, um, these time release Xanax. I think they were like eight milligram time release that I, they're triangles. I had never seen that shit, but he ended up, uh, he died somehow because I always wondered. I was like, what happened to him? And, um, I had, uh, I needed my records and I called his office and I was like, oh, it's doctor or so and so. And they're like, oh, he's dead. And I was like, holy shit. Oh, I wonder if that was some dude. He, like, one of the clients robbed, like, because I remember I came in one time and he, they had a cash box there and he was like, Hey, I need to talk to you. And he was like, did you, did you steal this safe? And I was like, no, man. And he was like, yeah, well, yeah, straight up. Yeah. It was, you know, he dealt with shady folks. And that was when, so originally when suboxone was prescribed, part of the deal was that you had to. Give them some sort of therapy. So everybody that he prescribed suboxone had to come in once a week to this. Like 30 man outpatient group where we would just sit in a circle and everybody would take God. This is all just coming back. Everybody would take drug tests. And he would come back in with sticky notes and walk around and hand people sticky notes for what they failed for. And he would ask you, he would ask because you had to, you know, you had to fail for suboxone number one to make sure you weren't selling it. But all you had to do was like take one. And you weren't, you know, quote supposed to fail for anything else. And he would just always come and just hand me this sticky note. And it would just be like this list. And he was like, yeah, what's going on this month? And I was like, ah, you know, I just really struggled. And it was like, okay, it was such bullshit, complete bullshit. And man, that dude, like because of that dude, a lot of harm was caused, I'm sure, in my life. And I always think like, that's what I was going to ask you. It's like if you had, if you yourself could just prescribe whatever you can self prescribe whatever like do you think you could have made that work like no limitations. Like you can just, you're free to get whatever pharmaceutical regimen you need, whenever you need it. Oh my God, I would have just lost, I would have lost my mind. Like I would have been like, delighted, morphine. That's like, like, that's Michael Jackson and Prince. Like, that's, I think that is the pinnacle. Like, that's if you are going to, or like doctor feel good. Did you ever meet him by chance? No, no. Dang. Did you ever meet any? Well, let me finish that thought. Yeah, the pinnacle is you just get your own doctor and he just writes you whatever you want, you know. Yeah. I mean, I've known people that have situations like that. Yeah. And it's crazy. Like, it's wild. It's really. Yeah. And it, yeah, I guess, and death is just what would happen eventually. And I'm sure you're just a, like, I can't imagine, I can imagine, but like, you know, you would probably have to be on hundreds of milligrams of opiates and whatever. And then, you know, it just, there is no chemical free lunch and like, you just will get tolerant to whatever you're on. And it just, it's just an empty. That's always the, that's always the dream, though, of the, of the addict is just like, if I can just get this, then it will work. Yeah. What's the worst, the worst trick, whatever, is when you take a pill that doesn't necessarily fuck you up, but it's just like, this is how I feel like other people feel normally. And, and this is, this is great. This is how I need to feel. And it doesn't last, you know, within five days or whatever, it's gone. And it's like, it's such a cruelty, I feel like, I don't know if you relate to that at all. But it's very much like how the coating is your effect. Yeah, because I, because I'm bipolar also like, I was always trying to like, figure out like a balance to feel like, quote, or normal and like just have like an even mood or feel like joy when I was depressed. And so like trying to even that out and like, Opie, it's definitely gave me that like false sense of like joy, like where you're like, I feel happy and I can do whatever. And like, you know, like, but that it doesn't last, you know, like you're doing it. Like, I would take it, you know, like at first it was just like, you know, like maybe I'll take one or two today. And then, you know, like months in, the doctor is like, how many are you taking a day? And like, you can't take that many a day. And no, I can't write you another prescription. And well, you know, we need to talk about like, like the conversation starts to get more serious. And like, it's, it's tough, you know, it is. And you're just trying to like keep that feeling and built and like, you know, then when you want to feel good, like you have to add so much more to it. Yeah. To like get beyond just the feeling of what you think is normal. That's, and I think, oh wait, let me write this down because I had two thoughts that I don't want to forget. That's, I always think we were talking about having kids and stuff. It's like, I always think about living back in the day when, you know, amphetamines originally were just like, that was the nation, the 60s and 50s and the nation was built on that. It's like, oh, you're a housewife and you're bored. Here's some, here's some amphetamines to make you clean. And then here's some awesome second all to make you go to sleep. And you could, it was just like, whoo, or like even further back when you could have like, laudanum and opium dance and cocaine. And it's like, it was just, um, but it's, that's, you know, and I wonder, I guess there's just not as many records, but I wonder why there's not, it doesn't seem like people had much as much of a problem with it. But I've also heard that if you go back far enough in history that almost everyone was essentially a low grade drunk, like all the time, like everybody, especially when clean water wasn't around so that you had to have an alcoholic beverage because it was sanitary. So, yeah, it was like people just drank, you know, some sort of fermented alcohol, something and so like, throughout a large portion of history, everyone was just kind of drunk. But it, and so the feeling normal thing, this is what, I guess it has been my struggle forever. It's what I'm talking with my therapist now. It's like, it seems like I have this idea of how I am supposed to feel. And it frustrates the hell out of me that, you know, I don't know if what I'm feeling is, is, is normal if, if I'm searching for something that just doesn't exist. And it's, I've always said that if I had a superpower, it would just be to let you feel exactly how I feel so I don't have to fucking explain it because I can't, you know what I mean? And it's like done the anti-depressant pharmaceutical thing too. And I almost at times wonder like, is this, is this just the same thing where like I'm, you know, I need these things to modulate how I feel because it doesn't, you know, I don't, but then it's the time when I got off all my antidepressants in sobriety was a fucking train wreck. Yeah, yeah. So it's, so I don't know. There are a few times. Yeah, are you, are you medicated for your bipolar? I think we talked about that. Okay. What's your, are you, I've absolutely like gone off, you know, like numerous times because you feel like, like I'm doing fine, I'm good, like I'm in a good place, everything's fine. And then you go off of your meds and you're like, you're like, oh shit. Oh wait, there's a really, or you like, you like go past that point to pass the ocean point to where you're in the dark cave of depression and can't play yourself out because you're just like, there's no way to even see the light of like going back on them because you feel so far gone from that point. Yeah. Yeah. And it's such an ordeal to get off of them and on them. That was my thing. It was like, they really don't, like doctors really downplay discontinuation syndrome. Like, whatever, bro, like the brain zaps that nobody even, the brain zaps. Oh my God, that's not even like, I read somewhere that it's, it's like not even, they don't even really recognize it. They're just like, anecdotally, some people have experienced. It's like, dude, that is a, yeah, bro, like every single person that's like, they don't know what it is. It's a scary feeling. Yeah, it's a weird feeling because it feels like your brain's like, it feels like your brain's like short wire, like short wiring, you know, and like you're like, like, what's this happened? Yeah. It feels like a, yeah. And then you're, yeah, your emotions are all over the place. Like, your sex drive is doing crazy things. Your bowels are changing. Like, it just sucks, dude. Yeah. It's like, I always needed, it's like, I wish I had, you know, I need to take like two weeks off of work because I can't. For sure. Yeah. And like any time, like, there's like a new, anytime I see like a new like medication come out of something, I'm like, they better not even bring that up. Because like, if you're on something and it's working for you, like, don't fucking change. Don't change it. Oh, I need that. Because like, I've had doctors be like, well, let's try you on this. And I'm like, you know, like, there's been times like I'm like, okay, like, all right, like, go along with it. And like, I legitimately saw, like, what are the worst like drug psychosis is I have psychosis psychosis psychosis psychosis psychosis. Maybe I ever had was when I was transitioning at one point on to love you trend. And from what to love you. I can't remember. It was either. I can't remember if it was like lithium or if I'm like, it might have been lithium or depa code or it might have either. I can't remember, but they, I remember they were taking me off of that and transitioning me on to like titrating me on to. Well, be sure. Well, be a trend. But my doctors didn't know is that I was doing, you know, token. Gotcha. And like, whatever pills I could get all that, you know, like, you know, like, so they had so I wasn't, you know, like, they knew the pills they were prescribing, but like, they didn't know what else I was throwing at a mix. So when I started, like, I started legitimately seeing, like, shadow squirrels and, like, I'm severe paranoia and hallucinations. And like, yeah, my mom was like ready to have me committed. Like, it was like, it was scary, you know, like, it was very scary. Yeah. And like, I'll never forget that. Yeah. You know, but it's like, you know, like, that, that of course is a different scenario than if you're just going on or off psych meds. Well, that's, that's, that's. You're doing illegal drugs with it. Well, and, and I mean, but like, Depico and Lithium are, I mean, that's a, those are huge, those are big guns. So like, you, stuff can happen anyway. But that's, that, that kind of stuff, like, fostered a distrust of doctors for me. And I always get, it's, I always get, uh, not reprimanded, but like, I do, I challenge doctors sometimes and I have a bad habit of thinking. And I feel more than them because I we, I read a lot of Wikipedia and shit. But dude, I've, like, I've had a time where like my doctor prescribed me something and I was like, Hey, uh, there's a, there's like a black box interaction warning with these meds. Like, I can't take it. And he's like, wait a minute. And he's like, click it, click it. You're like, Oh my goodness, you're, you're right. I was like, you wouldn't fucking killed me, dude. Like, you're like, yeah, I'm right. Oh man. And, or yeah, one time this was, I cannot believe this shit, but my doctors also will get frustrated with me sometimes because, uh, there's like, I don't know what to do with you at this point. So he passed me off to his brother. Um, they were both, um, psychiatrists and I just did a phone call with the sky. And after a, I'd never met this dude. And after a 30 minute phone call, he, by, uh, diagnosed, diagnosed me bipolar and prescribed me lithium. And I was, you know, you're so desperate for, if, if, what if there's one thing out there that'll just fix it. And so it's like, okay, yeah, dude, maybe that is it. Maybe I need fucking lithium. And that was a fucking disaster. Okay. And then that psychiatrist ended up losing his practice because he traded Suboxone for sexual favors with his clients and like, you know, wow. So it's like, yeah, man, sometimes, and I work with doctors too. And it's like some, some of them suck. And they don't know what they're talking about. about and they don't understand that some of them are really willy nilly with prescribing life-changing chemicals to people I guess is my point I don't know why I went on that rant but I just there's only been a handful of times when I've been in like a city that I've had like a really smart rational conservative doctor that like knows what they're doing and like won't let me manipulate them you know sometimes I don't even mean to like even as simple as like you know I'm maxed out on my well butrin dose right now and it's like that I really need to do that or was I just like you know can I feel better like let's go up on it and you know fuck yeah it's hard yeah and I and I need to I need to my therapist also says stop saying that I would like to have the mindset you have of if it ain't broke don't fix it but I am always if there is when you were saying the new things I'm like oh whenever I see a commercial I'm like oh hell yeah sign me up dude let's try that I'm like the opposite I'm like I don't want to know yeah it's well because that's that's where I get stuck is like you know okay I've been on I'm on the regimen that has worked the best in my life for the most consistent amount of time and that's pristine can well butrin California rocket fuel as it is oh no that's pristine and rumor on but but it's like could my I can't escape the thoughts of could my quality of life be better is am I like is this working is this necessary that's I just can't quit thinking about that stuff I guess because it's I still am like mood and depression is tonight I don't know if I call it depression but it's just like my mood doesn't feel right and like but the world doesn't feel right to and then am I doing everything spiritually I need to do and then I think you know do these medications block me off spiritually and if you you know my head is a rapid fire zone a lot of the time which is why heroin was super cool because it just you know turned it right off but yes did I did we go into like your god thoughts that this will be a good ending so we can actually end on some awesome god talk awesome god talk something good something good yeah yeah what is what is your what's your what's your spirituality I am I mean I'm a spiritual person for sure and like I would say semi religious like I I enjoy going to mass like I like the ritual the rituals of it and I find it like I get that same sense of like peace and sorority I just noticed that that there's a whole opinion pepper on me that just hysterical nice I'm like okay that's a whole thing yeah but like I find that same you know like I get that same sense of like sorority and peace is like going to mass and like hearing and just like the rituals of all of it the latin the songs yeah like people praying together like to me that it's like it's like AA for me like if it's the same or fellowship even or or other or Doki or whatever you know like it's like those same kind of like groups and communities like where you're you're kind of like there for the same purpose and you're all there to to better yourself in some way like it's you're looking to a higher power you know and there is a feeling there is the the communal and you know whether it's like vibrations or whatever like there is a especially when it's good it's amazing when you get like in electric room or like you're in a place that just exudes like peace and calm or joy or whatever yeah that's a that's a great that's a great feeling and I'm yeah I agree that happens like with music too like it like oh yeah get that same feeling like you're all having this experience together and it's it's it changes you it changes the way you feel you know yeah a hundred percent a hundred percent and we uh that it happened um and it was this uh we we went to um this festival called Barnus Fest I guess last year and there's this uh Christian metal band that their whole thing is uh they it's just like super heavy metal music and then they just saying hymns over it like like straight up old hymns it's it's yeah super interesting they're called holy name and uh this was the first time we had seen him and it was me and some of my buddies from the podcast and it was like I I at one point I looked at my friend Ken and I was like I think I just recommitted my life to Jesus it's just like this core dude like I cry like tears well it was just in over we all overwhelming emotional experience and we all felt it because I it was one of those like am I like am I being weird and then I kind of look over and everyone's like yeah dudes it was just those things are great and I'm I am I am maybe this is another nudge in that direction but I've just been doing um the only church I've been doing is I I uh watch this church in um Minnesota that I really like uh so I haven't cause um I have like a falling out sort of like the church I was going to so I haven't um in Lafayette Louisiana it's kind of difficult to find a church that is as like I don't know progressive whatever you would call like my spiritual theology sort of thing right now it's kind of difficult in a small southern Louisiana town it's kind of all the same flavor right um yeah but especially now that I have a daughter and I want her to experience that community sort of thing it's like I would like to find um you know I've been kind of getting pushed towards something like mass or orthodoxy um that's I've had a few orthodox for some reason I've had a few orthodox people um on the podcast and it's a strange pull to it and I still haven't there's one in my town that it's like I need to go to I keep saying it but I haven't done it yet because I'm lazy and a sissy or whatever I have all these excuses but um I should probably get do something like that I went to uh dude I haven't been to confession time I haven't you know the AA that I've been doing is we have a um a men's group it's like we've been it's one of the dudes I got sober with uh like we have been a solid core group of guys doing a book study for god like uh 10 years now um so that was pretty much all out you know all I did we would just meet every Wednesday none of us you know especially working in the industry it's you know it's very easy to get super jaded and judgmental about AA um and you know the youngsters uh in the programs around here these days are different a little wild and it's very easy for me to be like dude like why am I going to go to this meeting and listen to these sick sick people just like talk this crazy bullshit but uh I went to um one of our good buddies um relapse after 15 years and we supported them uh going to pick up a slip chip at a meeting two nights ago and yeah I got that feeling again you know of like especially like the prayer at the end it was it was like oh yeah this is uh I feel like I belong and you know you're seeing people you've seen in a long time I saw some old clients that were doing really well it was just like yeah this feels nice um I should probably do this more often yeah I feel like like I feel like I can be really resist like I can be like I don't need a meeting I don't need to go to a meeting I'm not gonna go to a meeting tonight and then and then I'll go like be grudgingly and then I'm and then I'm leaving the meeting and I'm like having that experience like you were just talking about and I'm like god damn it like I feel better yes I know you don't even you don't even need to want to feel better going there like you can go feel like feeling like an asshole and like sit there and just listen and walk out the door and feel better than when you walked in yeah it's true do you and um that always happened with telling my story to like go into treatment centers or we used to man there was a great time there was a period of time where we uh we did a detox meeting every week uh we would we would bring a meeting that was so fun um but yeah every every time I'm asked to tell my story and I hate it and I don't want even even the dopey uh zoom stories the the couple of times I've did it it's like the feeling you get after that is so good it's so it is so like it's the kind of good that it's supposed to be like it's pure and it's like oh this is this is the spiritual shit that they're talking about but it's so it is so funny how you resist it and uh god the day uh do you tell your story a lot like in person in meetings or anything I I did this morning even no did you really yeah I mean not like like a to a smaller degree but yeah I mean like in a small really still still yeah and did you get the feeling yeah it's a good feeling you know it's a good feeling and it's a good feeling to have people like talk to you afterwards and be like I appreciate what you said or I know that feeling I remember feeling like that and just to be able to connect with people on that level because it's I mean it's a it's a hard thing like addiction is a hard thing and like if that it never like it never leaves you you know if you always have it with you but it's it's a great feeling to be able to have that connection with people and they're like I see you and I understand what you're going through like you know it blows me away newcomers fucking blow me away like or like when I have sponsors that are like brand new to the program and I'm like if you're like damn it's hard the first year like god damn like it's like sometimes I'm like it is a wonder that anyone gets over or stays over because it's so hard that first year and like so hard like newcomers and just interacting with like newbies you're so reminded of like what it was like early on oh yeah you're like oh I was in yeah it seems um especially now it seems it's really rough out there uh and it's like I always think of of how blessed I was to my I had a sponsor call him your litter mates like the people you get several with like how blessed I was to have the people in an Oxford house that I did and that's you know we're still we're all friends to this day and it's yeah if if I didn't have that man and it's like I really hope and okay this is where like I guess I guess I'm supposed to go be that for other people and that's kind of how it works and it's like I need to quit being a selfish bozo and go help some people yeah because it's a trip like I have I'm still close with my litter mates like the people that like like I have friends from the first meeting that I went to like people that's like that first meeting that gave me their phone number and like we're still friends and I see them regularly you know and and it's so it's so weird too that like we're like the old-timers yeah you know yeah like there were people that had like three years when I came in and now you know like it's like like I know people celebrating like 30 years or whatever I'm like damn I remember like when you like gave me your phone number when I walked in the door a blubbering mess you know yeah it's wild I yeah that's a weekend and then that that'll be a whole other subject this was uh yeah this was exactly what I wanted it to be though great talk I had a lot of fun I did too yeah it's always going to talk to each other yes we will we'll we'll we'll do it again for sure um send me the email uh church another drugs gmail.com uh patreon.com/churchanotherdrugs and get your book tell 'em about your book again my book is c swallow me s-e-a c swallow me and soupy gems and uh you can buy those places online where you can buy books and some physical bookstores also it's all and I endorse it again I loved it I blew through it in a day it's a great book like pick it up for sure yeah it was super good uh all right wait oh it's what you need oh and I cannot be walking home until I found my love oh the girls are dreaming oh so as a freedom you can still see they're all alone all around the world I know that they're here but never really felt the fun in each those we're good in mind because it's not every night blowing up my spot for more than this when I can't stand the line broke it for a fine walk with a stolen if i scream i couldn't make a sound oh it's mostly oh and I cannot be walking home until I found my love oh oh oh the girls are dreaming oh so as a freedom you can still see they're all alone oh oh it's mostly oh and I cannot be walking home until I found my love oh oh oh the girls are dreaming oh so as a freedom you can still see they're all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all (I love you) (I love you) (I love you) (I love you) (I love you) (I love you) (I love you) (I love you) (I love you) (I love you) (I love you) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) ♪ And they don't need their own, own, own, own, own, own, own ♪
