Ab Ovo - The Psychology Podcast

Do relationships have an expiration date?

In this episode, I talk about passion, commitment, intimacy, and Robert Sternberg's theory of relationships.

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Duration:: 28m
Broadcast on:: 13 Jul 2024
Audio Format:: mp3

(upbeat music) - Okay, round two. Name something that's not boring. - Laundry? (buzzer) Oh, a book club. (buzzer) Computer Solitaire, huh? (buzzer) - Ah, sorry, we were looking for Chumba Casino. (upbeat music) That's right, Chumba Casino.com has over 100 casino style games, join today and play for free for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. (upbeat music) Chumba Casino.com. - No, we're just asking, we're going to leave it by law. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - Is your vehicle stopping like it should? Does it squeal or grind when you break? Don't miss out on summer break deals at O'Reilly Auto Parts. ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ O'Reilly Auto Parts ♪ (upbeat music) - Hello, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Up Over Podcast. And in today's episode, I'm diving into the topic that touches each of us, which is a relationship. Let's go. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - Time ago, my friend who's been going through a divorce asked me whether relationships have an expiration date. And that was rather a joke or a funny question to trigger the further discussion. But for some reason, I hold on to this question and explore this topic a bit more because the fact is that approximately 42% of marriages end up due to divorce. And 42% is pretty high number. And of course, we're talking about officially married people. And when we analyze all relationships, formal and informal, the percentage would be possibly even higher. So the question whether relationships have an expiration date through the lens of these numbers, this is a quite valid question. And there's pretty high number of research focused on relationship quality, marriage quality, longevity of marriages, dynamics of relationship and so on. And there are also many theories that describe human relationships. And in this episode, I'm going to talk about one of the most popular theory of relationship, which has been created over 30 years ago by a psychologist named Robert Stenberg. Stenberg described three components of relationship, which can be combined into eight types of relationships. And sometimes, it's said that they create not eight types of relationship, but they create eight types of love. And Stenberg's theories often refer to as the triangular theory because the three components form triangle. And according to Stenberg, every relationship can be described using three components, which are passion, intimacy and commitment. And commitment is sometimes also called a decision. And Stenberg believed that these elements are essential to the nature of love and that their interactions result in different types of love. So let's break them into pieces. Intimacy is explained as the closeness each partner feels toward the other and the strength of their bond. And partners who have high intimacy value and understand each other deeply. And intimacy is often described by research participants as some kind of soul connection, carrying, empathy, what and so on. And Stenberg describes the intimacy component of love as this quotation from his book, feelings of closeness, connectedness and bondedness in loving relationships, which include those feelings that essentially give rise to the experience of warmth in a loving relationship and are largely but not exclusively derived from emotional investment in the relationship. And what's interesting is that people may sometimes be conscious of these feelings toward others. And at other times may not realize the experience in intimacy as the dynamics of relationship tends to fluctuate and manufacture my influences. The second component, passion, involves romantic feelings, physical attraction and sexual intimacy with the partner. And passion is mostly linked to physical or sexual aspects of relationship, but not only. And Stenberg describes the passion component of love as, and this is again quotation from his book, the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, sexual consummation and related phenomena in loving relationships, end of quote. Aspects of the passion component of love are generally unstable and they often change. And although people are usually aware of whether they are experiencing such feelings towards someone, the feelings themselves cannot be controlled. And since this component tends to cause a strong or psychophysiological response, researchers often link this aspect to infidelity. So when people cannot control the feelings and follow them, it's an easy road to cheat on someone. However, the lack of control of the presence of the feeling is not equal to the lack of control of behavior. So the presence of passion alone is not enough to explain the infidelity in study relationships. And finally, the third angle of the triangle is commitment, which involves cognitive aspects such as recognizing that one is in love and being dedicated to sustaining the relationship. So if a person wants to develop the relationship and to self-develop in the relationship, we may say that there's a high level of commitment. And Sternberg wrote about commitment that in the short term, the decision that one loves someone else, and in the long term, the commitment to maintain the love. So this is the definition by Sternberg. He also wrote that commitment includes the cognitive elements involved in decision-making about the existence of and potential long-term commitment to a loving relationship. And is largely, although not exclusively, derived from cognitive decision and commitment to the relationship. And like intimacy, the commitment component typically remains stable over time with people's awareness of fluctuating. And because it's mostly based on human cognition, the commitment is also easily controllable. According to Sternberg, the true love is when all three components are present. However, I must add a side note here, because I'm generally allergic to the word true when it comes to true relationship, true love, true depression, true suffering, and so on. Some people experience true love when all three components are present, sure. But other people may experience true love when only commitment is present. So I want you to remember that if you feel good with your relationship, don't try to verify whether all three components are present and do not try to diagnose anything. So whenever I'm referring to the true love, it is because of the theory and because of the literature and because of the language that's officially been used in times when the theory has been created, not because of this being some kind of universal true for all the relationships. Now, in the triangular theory, these components form eight types of love or eight types of relationships, which are non-love relationship, friendship, infatuation, empty love, romantic love, companion love, and fed to love. A non-love love refers to the absence of all three components of love. So there is no intimacy, no passion, and no commitment. And when none of these elements are present, there is no true connection between the individuals involved. So non-love characterizes most casual everyday interactions. For example, with a neighbor of which you don't really care about because you're not friends in general, or non-love love or non-love relationship, it's someone that happens between, for example, a teacher and the students who attend the classes randomly. So for example, you have classes once or twice a year or you give lectures once or twice a year and you have just trends in relation with these people. So it is non-love relationship. The second type of Sternberg's love is liking or friendship, both names would do. Which occurs when the intimacy component is present, but the passion and commitment components are absent. And as we all know, friendships can vary in depth and according to Sternberg, if a friendship includes any other components of love, it is considered a different type of love, not liking. Therefore, only friendships that lack both passion and commitment are classified as liking. And some of you might feel alarmed here because typically friendship as we understand it and as we define it, involves commitment. And yes, this is true. However, according to Sternberg's relationship theory, the relationships which involve intimacy and commitment are called companion love and we'll get through this in a minute. And the third type of love in Sternberg's theory is something that's called infatuated love. And this is characterized by the presence of passion without intimacy or commitment. So we have only passion here. It involves intense romantic feelings and physical attraction, but lacks the deep emotional connection. And infatuated love is often present in the early stages of relationship where there is strong attraction and excitement, the very intense period of relationship, but it may not develop into a deeper, more lasting bond if intimacy and commitment do not eventually emerge. And an example of infatuated love can be a romance that begins with intense attraction and excitement, but doesn't have a strong foundation. So imagine two people meeting at the party and feeling an immediate powerful chemistry, but it's not love at first sight. It is pure physical and emotional attraction. They might spend time together for a few weeks. They might be experiencing intense passion and excitement, but they don't really know each other on a deeper level. And they don't need to develop this relationship. And if the passion fades without developing intimacy or commitment, the relationship might end as quickly as it started. So this is, again, a very transient relationship, like short-term relationship. Other type of love by Sternberg is something that's called an empty love. We're just characterized by the presence of commitment, but there is no intimacy and there is no passion. So we have only commitment here. And this type of love involves a decision to remain together and the commitment to the relationship, but lacks emotional closeness and physical attraction. An example of empty love can be seen in a long-term marriage where partners have lost their romantic and emotional connection, but stay together due to obligations such as so hard for the sake of their children or societal expectations. And they have made a decision to stay committed to each other, but the feelings of love and attraction are no longer present. And initially, they had deep emotional intimacy and passionate feelings for each other, but over time, the relationship has evolved. And they may have drifted apart emotionally and no longer share the same level of passion they once did. And this happens often, and I mean, this is usually the natural way of life and of relationships, and this happens quite often. And some people decide to end the relationship at this point, and some other people decide to stay together because, as I said, at the beginning, the commitment is cognition-dependent. So they have made a decision to be together still, even though lack of our passion and lack of intimacy. Further, we have a romantic love. As defined by Sternberg, romantic love is the one where intimacy and passion components are present. So we have two components here, but it lacks commitment. And it involves deep emotional connection, feelings of closeness and warmth toward the partner, this is intimacy, as well as strong physical attraction and romantic feelings and this is passion. But we do not have commitment. An example of romantic love could be a couple who are deeply in love with each other, experiencing a strong emotional bond and intense physical attraction. They enjoy spending time together, sharing intimate moments and feeling emotionally connected. So beyond being partners, they also enjoy themselves as friends, but no long-term commitments have been made yet. Romantic love is often characterized by its intensity and the desire to be close to and connected with the beloved. And it can evolve into other forms of love as their relationship progresses. Or it can, but it doesn't have to, of course, but it often happens that it does evolve into something more. And that kind of love can evolve into, for instance, companionate love, which is another form of love according to Sternberg. And companionate love involves intimacy and commitment. But in this case, we don't have our passion. So we do not have that intense passion found in romantic love. It involves a deep emotional connection and closeness toward the partner, as well as strong commitment to the relationship itself and commitment to maintaining it over time. And example of companionate love could be a long-term married couple who have gone through various stages of the relationship. They may no longer experience the intense passion and romantic feelings they did in the early stages, but they have developed a deep emotional bond and understanding of each other. And they support each other through ups and downs. They are all best friends and prioritize the stability and companionship of their relationship. And this type of love is often characterized by mutual respect and a sense of partnership. So in a nutshell, this is like a good old relationship in which partners care about each other and go through lives together. And the penultimate type of love in Sternberg's theory is characterized by the presence of passion and commitment, but no intimacy. And this is called a fatuous love. It involves an intense emotional attraction, as well as the decision committed to the relationship, but there is no deep connection between partners. An example of fatuous love could be a couple who quickly become infatuated with each other and decide to get married after only a short period of knowing each other. And they may have strong physical attraction and excitement for each other, leading them to make a commitment to each other without having developed a deep emotional bond or understanding. And this type of love is intense and impulsive. And the decision to commit is driven more by passion and infatuation rather than a deep emotional connection. But without the foundation of intimacy, the relationship may face challenges in the long run. And decision to end marriage can be as impulsive as the decision to get married. So in clinical practice, this would be probably the most risky type of love. However, I wouldn't expect these people to visit a therapist because as I said, there is no deep emotional bond. So I guess they wouldn't lose much if they end the relationship. And the final type of love is called a consummate love and it is considered the LDL type of love. So the true one that I mentioned before. This one encompasses all three components. So we have intimacy, we have passion and we have commitment here. And it represents complete and balanced form of love where both partners experience deep emotional connection or physical attraction and strong commitment to each other and to maintaining the relationship over time. An example of consummate love could be a couple who have been together for many years and who continue to nurture all the relationship with mutual respect, mutual understanding and passion. They share a deep emotional bond. They enjoy a strong physical and sexual relationship and they are committed to each other's well-being and the longevity of the relationship. And obviously, this type of love is the most difficult to achieve as it requires effort and commitment from both partners to sustain the emotional closeness, passion and commitment over time. And this one represents a balanced and fulfilling relationship where partners feel deeply satisfied and fulfilled in all aspects of their connection. Now as we know the types of components of relationships, let's take a look at the literature and the research on quality of relationships. There was a study that tracked married couples over the course of their first decade together serving them annually, so every year, to assess marriage quality. And researchers identified two distinct periods of decline in marital satisfaction. And the first phase showed steep and consistent decline, peaking around the fourth anniversary, while another decline occurred around the seventh year. And you might have heard about something that's called seven year each or something like this. Typical crisis in marriages which occurred about the seventh anniversary. But as the research shows, the first crucial moment is around fourth year of anniversary. So after third anniversary before the fourth anniversary. So now I guess we should be talking about the four year each, not the seventh year each. But according to the research, the significance of the seven year decline is often minimized because many couples do not reach that milestone because divorces predominantly occur around the four or fifth anniversary. I mean, the divorce is completed after four or fifth anniversary. And in a recent study, 73% of divorced couples cited lack of commitment as the primary reason for ending their marriage, which differs from, but still often accompanies issues of infidelity. However, infidelity, and this might be surprising to many of us, infidelity ranked third. So this is the third place after commitment crisis, conflicts, and finally third place infidelity. And commitment, as we defined before, so dedication and effort towards shared cause or relationship, ways when partners seize efforts to find common ground and begin taking each other for granted. Early stages of love, and this one is not according to Sternberg, this is according to generally research on relationships. Early stages of love are typically characterized by infatuation and overlooking flows. By the third or fourth year, partners start to see each other's true selves. And we start to see each other's imperfections. And initially, people may unconsciously present only their best selves to avoid revealing flows that could somehow jeopardize the relationship. So we all present some kind of trial or demo versions to the partner. And during this honeymoon phase, this is the official name, it's called honeymoon phase, patience is abundant, the grievances are overlooked, and appreciation is expressed in signs of incompatibility are dismissed. However, as the initial infatuation way is over three or four years, our couples may realize they are not as happy together as they once thought. And I'm deliberately saying as they once thought, not as they once were, because maybe they have never been happy. But this is all our interpretation of reality. And these newfound differences often lead to conflicts. I mean, newfound differences, newfound from the perspective of partners. They often lead to conflicts, communication breakdowns, and all sense that there might be better alternatives. And this gradual disillusionment peaks around the four-year mark, prompting many to tire the effort and contemplate ending the relationship. And while this narrative aligns with the popular notion of the seven-year age, it fails to explain why some couples endure while others falter. And numerous studies offer insights into the factors that contribute to long-lasting relationships with compatibility emerging as crucial. So compatibility in relationships entails the ability to coexist harmoniously acknowledging and accepting differences, compromising and striving towards shared life goals. So it's about sharing new-world desires and working together to achieve them even in the face of disagreements. So it's not about being perfect to the partner, it's not about being perfect. In general, but it's all about accepting each other's flaws and learn how to work on them together and learn how to cooperate. And I guess that's the way it is. And I think that's all what I wanted to tell you in this episode and if you enjoy today's episode, you can subscribe or now to get notified. Whenever I release the new episode and you can subscribe on your favorite platform, whether it's Apple Podcast, Spotify, YouTube or any other podcast app listed in the episode description. So stay connected, you can of course write me a message on Instagram linked in ResearchGate or you can write me an email to let me know what fields of psychology are interesting to you. And thank you for today's episode and until next time, bye-bye. (upbeat music) - I'm Victoria Cash. Thanks for calling the Lucky Land Hotline. If you feel like you do the same thing every day, press one. 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