Shopping for gifts, fun in the food court, and Kiddie Kamper chaos!
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The Mutual Audio Network
Bells in the Batfry #302(080924)
The Land Down Under has never been easier to reach. United Airlines has more flights between the U.S. and Australia than any other U.S. airline. So you can fly non-stop to destinations like Sydney, Melbourne, and Brisbane, explore dazzling cities, savor the very best of Aussie cuisine, and get up close and personal with the wildlife. Who doesn't want to hold a koala? Go to United.com/Australia to book your adventure. What's so funny? Who are my Friday follies, of course, right here on the Mutual Audio Network? The following audio drama is rated G for general audience. This episode originally released November 16, 2022. In this episode of Bells in the Bad Free, we find Brad Motworth at the mall, shopping for the Christmas, Hanukkah, Las Posadas, Winter Solstice, Soyal, Kwanzaa, Season. It's also my cousin Bernie's birthday. Alrighty, let me look at my list of gift hints here. Arnie wants a quantum, refacilitating refaculator with reversible Veeble Fetser and left-handed punch ones, I mean. I wonder where I get one of those? Oh, here's an extra note. If you're wondering where you get one of those, they have them at bad, bad, than beyond. I don't know what I'm saying, it's bad about to be on here. Let me go to this booth that says information. Hello, welcome to the information booth. What do you want? Well, this is the information booth. What do you think I want? What would anybody want? Well, I'm guessing you'd probably say... We want information, information, information. Oh, I know exactly what you want. An obscure reference to a 1960s British TV show. As nice as that might be, I'm actually shopping for some friends. My cousin, Bernie's birthday's coming up. I don't know your cousin, Bernie. That's okay, the gift doesn't have to be too elaborate. Here's the list. What is this, a phone book? Uh, what now? A telephone directory? Oh, that's one of those boomer things, isn't it? Look, I just need to know where the bed, bath, and beyond is... I'm terribly sorry, sir, but bed, bath, and beyond has left them all. Oh, well, I guess... Wait a minute, wait a minute, that's not entirely true. Bed and bath have left, but beyond is still here. What was that? Oh, there remains our uss right around the corner here. So where would I find beyond? You see that segment of them all over there that branches off into darkness that nobody goes into? Yes, yes, I see it. I have never seen such a gloomy, foreboding passageway to passable oblivion. Is that where I'll find beyond? No, it's two stores past that, just the side of the cinnabon. Oh, okay, huh? And don't forget this. I don't know, Bernie. Perfect, because it's a surprise party. Okay, let's see here. Man goes a million, spatula city, beyond. Here I am. Can I help you, please? Yeah, I'd like three cinnabons, please, and some coffee. Would you like them to go? Yes, yes, I'd like them to go in. Put it in your mouth. I guess you've heard that before. We call that a cinnabon mo. Isn't that bon mott? No, mo. Have you seen so? Yes, or bag. Here's your dough. Now you know it's time to go. I tipped my shepherd. Oh, before you leave, would you like to donate? Sure, what's the cause? Bernie's birthday prison. Good boy. Alrighty, here is beyond. Let me go in. Welcome to beyond. What may I provide for you? Well, actually I need... We're having a sale on your two-dimensional portals? No, I really need... Transformational vortexes. Two for the price of one. As tempting as that might be, I need... Quantum refusilitating refactulators. Half-off. Oh, yeah, that's what I need. Does it have a reversible feeble feature? Yes. And a left-handed poncho zubby? I'll have to look. Hold on just a moment. I'll be right back. Okay. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Did you say right-handed poncho zubby? No, that's left-handed. Alright. Just a moment. ♪ Left-handed as you desire... Well, Danny, I'll take it done. Thank you very much. Come again. Hmm, I don't think I'll be coming back. Thank you anyway. Oh, you'll be back. You'll be back. [Laughter] Wow. What a weirdo. Okay, let's see what I... Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I've got to go back. I've got to go back. I knew you'd be back. There are your cinnabons. Thanks. Didn't realize I'd left them here. Wait a minute. Didn't I have three in here? No, you didn't. And I had three? No. I'm pretty sure I... Be gone. Yeesh. What up? Where's she going? Well, I think I'll go down to the food court and enjoy my cinnabons. And after a short escalator ride... Brad arrives at his destination. Down in the food court. That is the place. Down in the food court. You can stuff your face. Down in the food court. You're shopping trips a success. Down in the food court. Without Subaru or Panda Express. Down in the food court. Jamba Juice, wait a minute. Down in the food court. Chick-fil-A Indians, dog on a stick. Down in the food court. Food court. Let's see what delectable selections are available here. Let's see, we have goats and oats under the seaweed. Cale, kale, the gangs all here. Mammal munchies, slurry and a hurry. Mother of Pupa's fried cabbage ring takeouts stand. Flash in the past. Oh, the land of bland. Oh, that's for me. Welcome to the land of bland what we have to... Well, let's start with some white bread. Would you like butter on that? Well, don't go nuts on me there pal. How about some oatmeal? Hospital oatmeal. How's the school cafeteria oatmeal? Bland to beat the band. Dandy! And throwing some water. Room temperature. Yes, be right up. Bloody, runny room. A form that means some oatmeal. Gonna have me some... Hey, something strange is going on here. There are people dressed like wandering in from every direction. Like some things up. They're getting organized. They're gathering together. Oh my gosh. It's a flash mob. A very short flash mob. Here you oatmeal. Thank you. Thank you. I'll take my oatmeal and my cinnabons. Make my way over to this table. And the members of the flash mob are mingling with the people here in the mall. I recognize now what they're wearing. This is no ordinary flash mob. They're kitty campers. What about some kitty camper cookies? Get away. I got dosing notes, parallelograms. I don't want any. And skinny minties. I said I don't want... You got skinny minties? Sure do. How many cases you want? Slow down. Slow down. How much is a box? Ten dollars. How much is a case? One hundred dollars. How many boxes in a case? Five. One box for ten dollars. Five boxes for one hundred dollars. Well that'd be cast a truck. You sell a lot of these cookies. Oh yeah. People buy them to get rid of me. Brilliant sales technique. So tell me, what's it like being a kitty camper? Kitty campers are cutin' y'all from our feet up to our curls. We never swallow gossip like other caddy girls. And when we start selling cookies, cakes, and strudel, you might as well cough off some dough cause resistances. You don't. God admit, you guys can really move some product. But people really like the cookies because they're so sweet. What if they were sweeter? We'd probably sell more. But the stupid FDA has a limit on the amount of sugar we can put in our cookies. Yes. Well, what if the FDA didn't know how much sugar went into the cookies? We could charge twenty dollars a box. And two hundred dollars for five. Math doesn't lie. Kid, I think you and I would make a great team. We're going to bake and sell our own cookies. Super sweet cookies. But we're going to have to do it in secret. We could bake 'em in my kitchen, but then mom would want a piece of the action. Yeah, I can't have that. Let me think, let me think. I've got it. Mr. Bell has an RV that we drove around a few years ago. I'm sure he wouldn't mind if we borrowed it. Especially if we didn't tell him. Then it's settled. All we need now is a name for our new extra sweet cookies. Hmm, I'll be baking them, so we'll name them after me. They'll be baking bread. Yay! If we're successful, maybe they'll even make a movie out of it. We're likely a Netflix TV show. Gotta think big, kid. Hey, I'm only four foot two. I know where the RV is parked. Let's go. You've been listening to episode 302 of Bells in the Battery. Copyright 2022 by John Bell Creative LLC. It is rumored that the idea for this episode was suggested to Mr. Bell by artist Jason Laboli. Normally, Mr. Bell prefers to never accept plot ideas from listeners. Unless, of course, they could create some really good episode art. And there you go. Next time, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Someone is coming. Could it be? Be very quiet. Don't make a sound. Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday, Captain Bernie! Oh, my! And you brought me my favorite fresh cinnabons! No, I didn't. Give me the cinnabons. Give me the... Thanks! [ Silence ]