Captain Peter Rabbit receives strange gifts from a secret “admirer”, with clues that send him and the crew of the Jackalope on a scavenger hunt across the galaxy.
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The Mutual Audio Network
Star Rabbit Tracks Christmas Special: “The Twelve Gifts Of Haymas”(080324)
(upbeat music) This episode is brought to you by Experian. Are you paying for subscriptions you don't use, but can't find the time or energy to cancel them? Experian could cancel unwanted subscriptions for you, saving you an average of $270 per year, and plenty of time. Download the Experian app. Results will vary, not all subscriptions are eligible. Savings are not guaranteed, paid membership with connected payment account required. (upbeat music) You're listening to the mutual audio network. Have a good day. The following audio drama is rated G for general audience. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) Enter. Excuse the interruption, Captain, but this has arrived for you. I don't understand. I thought the parcel service was on strike. It was found in the transporter room. Oh, I see. How did you know it was for me? Because it said so on the tag, sir. What? Let's have a look at that. To the most handsome captain in hair command. Have a very merry, famous, kiss, kiss, kiss. Well, I suppose it could only have been meant for me. It has your name on the other side, Captain. All right, so it does. (upbeat music) Expanding. Give me the stating obvious, Commander, but there appears to be a pay-at-train in my quarters. And a partridge, sir. This is very strange. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) These are the continuing voyages of the Starship Jackalope. It's mission to seek out larger and juicier carrots, to boldly go where no rabbits have gone before. (upbeat music) Star Rabbit Tracks, the 12 Gifts of Hamis, featuring the voice talents of Alex Gilmore, Bobby Owens, Tom Chalker, Michael Liebman, and David McIber. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - Good king wins his last loot out on the Feast of Stephen, where he ordered food to eat, but Ocresps can eat them. - That's not how it goes, Lieutenant. - It is a mantra to its Hamis parties. We have a great big Hamis tree in the middle of the room. We all dance around it, singing songs of yol tight and drinking punch. - Sounds like you do a lot of punch drinking. - Maybe you should come with me this year, experience it for yourself. - Maybe I shall, Lieutenant. What's that? - I don't know. It appears to be some kind of parcel, a gift wrapped parcel at that. - It's got a label on it. - To the Deshi hair in charge, Mary Hamis. I think it's for you. - It's got Captain Rabbit's name on the back. - Should we open it? I mean, Yarn in charge of the bridge of the moment Lieutenant Commander Ears. - I'll hail the Captain. It looks personal. (upbeat music) - What's going on here? - Apologies, Captain. There was a movement in the package, so Mr. Mczacker and I opened it. These flying creatures escaped and have been creating quite a mess. - That's the Captain's chair. - We don't seem to have anything big enough to catch them, Captain. Our tunits are too small. - As simple as peaceful solution, I believe, they are only stunned. - Mr. Mczacker, please put them back in the box and make sure it's sealed. - Hi, Captain, I think I should put some ear holes into it so they can breathe. Come on, Leonardo, come on, Raphael. - You named them, Lieutenant? - No, Commander, they have name tags on their bandanas. - If you say so. - Captain, it is another package, gift wrap, like the others. - Yes, it has a tag on it, just like the others. What does it say? - To the hair cyst with the mare cyst, Mary Hamis. - Kiss, kiss. - Hair cyst with the mare cyst? That doesn't make any sense. - Nothing about this makes sense. - Do you want me to open the package, sir? - Against my better judgment, I believe we should go ahead, Commander. - I won't do it, won't I mean? Forgive this intrusion, but me and my two compatriots have a message for Peter Rabbit of the Javelop. - Yes, that's me. - Okay, here it goes. (barking) - There's a pretty little highness snore. Saying you're the captain that I love, one month. I sure hope you like the gifts I sent, and if you don't, my heart is wrecked. - That was truly nauseating, Captain. - Perhaps you think you can do a better job, Jokey? - There is no need to be rude. - I love you. - We need to get to the bottom of this, before my ship becomes overrun with birds. - I want you to do with them, Captain. - Put them in a holding set. Get this security chief to take them down to the brig. - Hi, Captain. - Dr. Hopper to Captain Rabbit. - Rabbit here, what can I do for you, Doctor? - I think you might better get down to the infirmary, sir. There's a package here for you. It's making some very strange noises. - I'm on my way. (upbeat music) (soft music) - This package just arrived in my sick bay. I looked at the label which said, "To the smartest here in the galaxy, you'll never guess who this is from." So naturally, I opened it. It wasn't until after that, I noticed it had your name on it. - What are they, Doctor? - Well, that's just it. They're birds of some kind, but nothing I've seen before, but that's not the strangest thing. - It isn't. - No, watch this. What is your name? - Colin. - Colin. - Colin. - Colin. - Hmm, four Colin birds, three French hands, two turtle dogs. - And a partridge in a pear tree, Captain. - There are a few questions here. One who is sending them. - Who, why are they sending them? - Well, if they are here, Miss Presence, then possibly they're from the cheeky young rabbit friend of yours. - Doctor Hop, I doubt that very much. - No, your other cheeky young rabbit friend. - Jessica. - This does appear to match her MO, Captain, especially the use of the kiss kiss sign off. - I'll get in touch with her and find out. Although it's sweet, I am in a relationship. (crowd chattering) - Ho, ho, ho, little boy. I hope you enjoy your crochet for beginners set. - All right, all right. (speaking in foreign language) (upbeat music) (crowd chattering) - How much longer do we have to do this? - With a ponter itchy. - You should worry. - I'm the one wearing a false beard. - If you carry on with the marshmallows, candy, or hot chocolate, you won't need the false belly. - You are so cheeky, Phoebe the Fae. - I'm so incredibly bored of wearing these little beard, beard, fourth ears. - At nine o'clock tonight, we hit the vault. (upbeat music) - What's that? - It's my cell. (upbeat music) - Oh, it's Peter. - That's it. - Hello. - Sausage Eve saw us. - Hi, Jessica. It's Peter. - I know, honey. It tells me on the screen. - All right, yes. So it does. How are you? - Oh, I'm just fine, honey. - Hanging out with Fifi over in the Macy galaxy. - Oh, so you are not within transporter range of the Jackalop there. - Of course not, silly. I know you miss me, Peter, but I'm not always within transporter range. - Oh, good. I mean, that's too bad. - It doesn't mean you can't hop on a shuttle and come see me sometime, handsome. - What? Is that the doorbell? Somebody's at the door, yes. Goodbye, Jessica. Have a merry hey, Miss. Bye. (beep) - It's such a strange and lovable rabbit. - No, no, no. You're getting it all wrong. - It's not my fault. I was never programmed with this information. - Okay, let's start again. - ♪ Rand off the blue nose pigeon ♪ ♪ Had a very shiny nose ♪ ♪ And if you ever heard it ♪ ♪ You would even say it shows ♪ - Maybe we should forget about it. - Yes, that is a good idea. (tires screeching) - What's that? - I don't know. I didn't order anything. - Roses are red. Violates are blue. I'm on my way. - I'm looking for you. - That is a very strange note. - Should we open it? - Of course. There may be something valuable inside. It may have been mistransported by Goggle's delivery service. - Oh, hi. What are they? - I have no idea, but they look shiny and valuable. Oh, they are engraved. Peter Rabbit, for your big ears. We'd better report them to the captain. (eerie music) - Package number five delivered to its destination. (chuckling) You have seven more items pending for delivery. Do you have five minutes to rate the Goggle delivery service? Goggle has received an average rating of seven out of 10 for its delivery system. You have chosen to listen to last five reviews for Goggle's delivery service. (chuckling) Review user on like a super button. Delivery was swift and communication was perfect. Happy Goggle user. Review from Mrs. Spencer Persol was delivered to house across the street. Apparently signed for bomb I can't. Unacceptable. Are you sure you wish to exit? Programmable close in 35 seconds. 34, 33, 32. (chuckling) 30. - I suppose I should be grateful it isn't another bird. Does anyone have any idea what they are? - I do, Captain. I've seen these things before. - Go ahead, Mr. Maczaka. - They're made from a very rare and precious material called Fife Gold. - Fife Gold Rings. Let's list the presents. I've been beamed aboard the Jacklobe so far. - Fife Gold Rings. - Four Colin Birds. - Three French Hens. Two Turtle Doves. And a Partridge in a Pear Tree. - What does it mean, Captain? - I have to admit I'm at a loss to explain them. Somebody's sending me a message. But who, and to what end? We shall have to keep vigilant. - Captain, you may want to come down to the brig. Envelope has just been transported out of nowhere. - An Envelope? - Yes, Captain. It looks like a Hamish card. - I'm on my way. - Stranger and stranger, Captain. You have the bridge, Commander. - I, sir. You disappeared in the middle of the floor. I'm sorry about the stitched edges. It took me by surprise when I was painting my phaser right. - So I saw my dearest friend. I hope that you are enjoying your Hamish gift so far. Now is the time for you to start your search for the sender. I hope that you are enjoying your Hamish gift so far. Now is the time for you to start your search for the sender. If you want to find me, then you should start your search for Elaine the Goose Lady. Elaine the Goose Lady. - I know her. She owns a gay farm space station in the poultry sector. - I've never heard of her. - She's sometimes gone by the nickname of Six Geesey Lake. - I'm not sure I like this. Mysterious parcels and now some kind of treasure hunt. Like some kind of holiday season matinee movie. Should we report these incidents to a hair command captain? - No. As much as it gives me chills, we have to find out who's responsible. Captain Rabbit to Bridge. - Lieutenant Commander here here captain. - Set a course for poultry sector. We're going to visit Six Geesey Lake. - Very well sir. Bridge out. - Now just one cotton lick in a minute. It's a very busy time for me at Hamish time. - I can't just drop everything because you think I'm involved in some kind of treasure hunt? - I assure you dear lady, we don't want to get in your way. We just want answers. - What's your question? - Several gifts have been transported onto our starship and it's led us here. According to a card that was left, you of a late still in line of clues designed to lead me somewhere. - What clues? - Six Geesey Lake. - Life gold rings, four colin birds, three French hens, two turtle dogs. - And a partridge and a pear tree, ma'am. - Are you taking medication? - It's just that kind of day. - Somebody sent me this card. - That's no snow love, it's rain dear. I don't get it. - There's a message inside. - Oh, I see. - Is that your name? Are you Peter Rabbit? - No, I'm Lieutenant Theodore Kame Exacar, he's Captain Peter Rabbit. - From the starship Jackalope? - Yes, that's right. - Okay, with me then boys, I believe I have something for you. Just be careful where you hop, I haven't been able to toilet train Stacy yet. - Now you tell me. - I received a special request for a gift for a Peter Rabbit from the starship Jackalope. Now we get a lot of requests at this time of year, particularly from the parallel universe sectors. But this is without doubt one of the strangest. Before we go in, you'll need these. - What are they? - Water wings. Oh, and these are the certificates. - 200 meters freestyle. I don't understand. - These little fellas belong to you now, so take care of them, all seven of them. - What are they doing, Captain? - Looks like breaststroke, Mr. Exacar. - Do you want me to gift wrap them, or would you like to take them as they are? - I don't want them. - You have to have them. - You saw the sign on the way in. - These girls do it with a gander? - No, the other one. Nobody finds sold as seen. - Okay, we'll have to take them on one condition. - What's that? - Tell me the name of the person who bought them for me. - I can't do that. It's against policy. - Pretty please. - I'm sorry, highland hair. It's against policy. - Well, it looks like the bets are off, Tadi. - What bet? - You see, I bet my young friend here, that the person who bought me these swans was from the left side of the galaxy. He bet me they were from the right. - Who did? - Well, that's where you're wrong. - I don't think so. Not without proof. - There you go. There's the address of the person who bought the swans for you. Right hand side of the galaxy. They'll give the little fella his winnings. - Yeah, pee up, Peter. - Okay, there you go. One carrot cake. Don't eat it all at once. - Oh. - Oh. - Thank you. - Captain Rabbit to the Jackalope. - Lieutenant Commander, use here, Captain. - Please arrange a Commander Fumper to have seven swans transported directly into the brig. - Aye, Captain. Jackalope out. - Do you need a receipt for them? - Why are they faulty? - No. The eldest is three, but feed them well and they could reach a rock old age. - Oh, my God. - Captain's log. The ever increasing collection of birds in the brig is causing the security to achieve some issues. As feathers keep getting stuck in his scanner and the security beam is hard boiling eggs. Though in the information, we gained from six-piece LA, we have second-wonded for the right-hand side of the galaxy, where the mystery shopper is located. - Course lead in for Planet Khan, Captain. - Was there a name to go with the location, Captain? - I'm afraid not, Commander. It was a false name. - How can you be sure? - Because, Nizini-Knocker III is clearly a false name. - Yeah, I seriously doubt my great-uncle would be sending you presents, Captain. - Yes. Anyway, I believe we are starting to make progress. Has the security chief found a solution to the egg problem? - Yes, Captain. He scrambled his security officers and sent the eggs to the mess hall. - Cadet gerry for starter, omelette for main and souffle for pudding. It's an extravaganza of a menu, Captain. Make no mistake. - That was a little cheesy, Lieutenant. I couldn't taste it, so I'll take your word, Captain. Just tasted like omelette to me. - Commander Fumper, I would like you and Dr. Hopper to accompany me on the away mission. - Are you sure that's wise, Captain? - I need my most trusted officers with me. I have a bad feeling about this. Somebody out there is trying to get my attention. The jackalop has started its approach. What are your orders? - Let them come. My old friend, Peter Rabbit, still has a few surprises waiting for you. - What are the surprises? - If I told you that it wouldn't be a surprise. - I am a computer. Who am I going to tell? - Do you have Whisker's book? - Yes. - But I'm definitely not going to tell you my plans. - I rarely use it, just check a few statuses and use human vell. - Nastra, that's what they all say. You'll have to wait your turn, just like everyone else. - How very unfair. - Not to log now, my technological friend, not long now. - Everyone, set your phases for stun. We don't know what to expect here. - Tricorder is detecting things about two yards ahead on the left, Captain. - Commander Fumper. Please take point, I'll bring up the mirror. - And I'll stay in the middle. - Aye, Captain. - I'm picking up several signatures on the other side of the store, Captain. - Do you suspect the person responsible for the Hamis presence is behind us? - I expect so. What else could it be? A herd of cattle? - We appear to be in a room of heifers, Captain. - No I can see. - Not just heifers, there also appear to be some voluptuous milkmaids. - Robot milkmaids, Doctor. - Oh yes, you're right, I'm only reading cattle. - Eight made omatics milking cattle. How very strange. - My tricorder is reading more life signs in the next room, Captain. - Okay, let's go. - Get back in your pen. You have yet to be milked. - We're not cattle, stand down. - Get back in your pen. - Get back in your pen. - Have yet to be milk. - You have yet to be milked. - They do not appear to be obeying voice commands, Captain. - I don't want to be milked. I don't even think you can milk a rabbit. - I'm warning you one last time. Stand down, or we will be forced to use force. - If you do not wish to be milked willingly, it will be done, unless you do not wish to be milked willingly. - Gentlemen. - It will be done, after you do not wish to be milked safely, unless you do not wish to be milked safely, unless you do not wish to be milked safely. - Without a doubt, this has to be the strangest haemas I've ever had. - And it isn't over yet, Doctor. - I wonder what way to us in the next room. - It's a big empty room, Captain. - I thought you said there were life signs, Doctor. - I, Captain. - Yes, Captain. Nine of them. They're all around us, according to the readings. - I don't like this. Commander Thumper, please switch off for music. - I, Captain. - Is anyone else as freaked out as I am right now? - I am now. - There is another door, Captain. I suggest we make an exit. - Agreed. - Look, Captain, those nine piles of meat, they're moving. - Is now a good time to mention I'm vegetarian? - Move very slowly. I've seen these things before. It's a human ritual. - What are we going to do? - If we remain very still, they might not see us, Captain. - Agreed, Commander. - No sudden moves, each very slowly towards the door, avoiding eye contact with the ladies dressed in meat. - Phew! - I'm sorry, I'm allergic to pork. - Quick, make a hot front while they were grouping. - Oh, my gosh. - Seriously? This can't be good. - Ten Lordies are leaping. - I don't think we're equipped to deal with this kind of threat, Captain. - We can't turn back now. We need to clear a patch into the next room. Take them down. - My power cells are very low, Captain. - Why didn't you charge it before we left the ship? I've told you about this kind of thing before, Commander. If you can't look up to your phaser, I'll hug the security chief, take it off you. - Yes, Captain. Sorry, I've just been busy with him as shopping and everything. - Can we get back to the problem in hand, please, Commander? - Captain? - Yes, of course. - Fire at will. - I think we have subdued them, Captain. - Just to be on the safe side. - Before we go through that door, what can we expect to see on the other side? - I'm not sure, Captain. I'm detecting multiple life forms. - Okay, best put forward, gentlemen. - Evening, gents. - Goody. What are you and your men doing? - Well, me and the other tin guys here are just laying some new pipes. There's been complaints about leaks. It's like a leak in here some days. - How interesting. 11 pipers. Piping. - We're just passing through. So today's sturdy. - No worries, pal, just about to stop for a coffee break anyway. Come on, let's tea break time. - Anyone else find that particularly strange? - Yes. It's been that kind of day, hasn't it? - Indeed, Captain. - It's as if we're in some kind of audio drama series and the writer ran out of ideas. - You're starting to delve in fancy again, Doctor. Maybe you need a holiday. - Yes, Captain. Sorry. - You? - We, Peter. It is I, Pierre Dubois Boney. - The last time we saw you, you were trapped on the moon of OMG. - That is right, my hairy rabbit friend. For too long weeks I waited until the European was fixed and the only thing that kept me going was the sort of revenge. And look at mocha coffee. - With the little biscuits? - With the little biscuits. So you did this. The gifts all designed to lead me here. - We, Peter, are intent to exact my revenge slowly. - Listen, can you heal that? - It is the sound of one drum drumming. - We, now, imagine that sound magnified 12 times. - That's in rabbit. You won't get away with this. - Do you think it would be that easy, Peter? I'm safely on the lapis. Watching you from orbit, this is merely a hologram. - The dolls are locked and queued on little mathless. - You will be begging me for mercy. - Hang on, there was someone on the other lap. - Hello, Pia do people, Nee. - Prince Handa Umbago would like to deposit $25 million into my bank account while he is exiled from his homeland. - Yes, I would like to hear more. - Just hang on a second. - Right, Peter, I have to dash. But you have my number out for when you choose to surrender to the bunny out. - By my calculations, Captain, the sound of 12 drums drumming continuously will drive us mad within five hours, 16 minutes, and 27 seconds. - Has anyone ever told you how much of a ray of sunshine you are, Commander? - We need to assess the options, it's because it's too late. - Perhaps a concentrated burst of fire from our phasers will break through the door, Captain. - Nothing seems to be happening, Captain. - It seems the door has been reinforced with triple shielding. We're not making any impact with the phasers. - There are no visible outlets, Captain, and communications with the jackalope appear to be jammed. - So this is the end of the road, after 12 drums drumming, 11 pipers piping, 10 Lordies sleeping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids are milking, seven swans swimming, six geese a lane, five gold rings, four Colin birds, three French hens, and two turtle doves. - And a Partridge and a Pear tree, Captain. - Uncard should go run over by reindeer, something, something, something, something hey Mr. McZacker, there's something not right here. - I know, I just can't remember the words. - No, not that, communications with the captain appear to be jammed, I'm not receiving any signals from the away team, they just stopped, initiated the sensor sweep. - I'm not reading any signs from the planet, they're being blocked by something. - Ooh, I want a minute, I'm getting a signature from a nearby starship. - Oh no, it's a lapin. - Red alert, shields up, it looks like Santa hair is coming to town. - I don't think I can take much more of this, Captain. - You have to stay strong, Doctor. - I'm trying, Captain, but the drums, the drumming, it's... - Perhaps if you were to meditate, Doctor, block out all external distractions. - I'm a doctor, not a Buddha. - My stepmother taught me the way to enlightenment through meditation. - A Buddha from another mother, you could say. - Very amusing, Doctor, it is purely a way to encourage clarity and thinking outside of normal parameters. - Did you say, Commander, meditation encourages clarity of thinking, Captain. - Of course, I've been so distracted by geese ladies and rings. The hair, the heart of this is Pierre. - I don't follow, Captain. - Pierre set this up, so to get out, I need to be more Pierre, and less Peter. - I think the drumming is starting to affect the Captain, Commander. - Bonjour, Jimapelpita, Bonjour, Jimapelpita, Bonjour, for Mars, Bon Fritz. - It appears to be working, Captain. - Lapine. - It appears. - Bonjour. - Bonjour. - Bonjour. - Bonjour. - Bonjour. - Bonjour. - Bonjour. - Bonjour. - Bonjour. - Bonjour. - Bonjour. - Bonfritz. - It appears to be working, Captain. - Lapine. - Surprise! - Okay, doobie, Bunny. That's enough of that. - It was just a joke. - Chief, what are you doing here? - Lieutenant Commander Ears sent me down to rescue you. She encountered a Lapine in orbit and overpowered its gravitational systems. - Turned out my repairs, once as thorough as I was led to believe that's the last time I go to O'Neill's Londorett and Starship repairs. - I've had problems with uniform shrinkage before. - I think there's only one thing to say, Captain. - Yes, Commander. Haven't no aim with everybody, and a merry Christmas to you dear listeners at home. - Featured in the cast were, Alex Gilmore as Captain Peter Rabbit, Bobby Owens as Lieutenant Commander Tanya Ears, Tom Chalker as Commander Thumper, David McIver as Lieutenant Taddy McZacker, Michael Liebman as Dr. Harvey Hopper Smith, Stefania Lintonbahn as Robot Delta, Bill Smigada as Robot Omega, Captain John Tatterzak as Security Chief, John Bell as Pierre Dubibani and the Piper, Neo-Speech Julie as Computer, Bobby Owens as the Robo Milkmaids, Rhonda C. Mitchell as Six-Gisa Lane and Fifi, Ashley M. Calthas as Jessica Rabbit, Kate Cattell Daniels as the French Henn. Our Rabbit Tracks 12 Gifts of Hamis was written by N.J. Rainford, series created and produced by Captain John Tatterzak, post-production by James W. Smigada, Assistant Editor Bobby Owens. The webmaster and CEO of misfitsaudio.com is Captain John Tatterzak. We would like to confirm that 10 lords sleeping, 9 ladies dancing and 8 maids of milking were only stunned in this episode. We are not affiliated in any way with Star Trek, Bambi or Beatrix Potter. This production is for enjoyment purposes only. I am your announcer, Bobby Owens, for misfitsaudio, copyright 2014. Thank you. (soft music) (gentle music)