Back fro vacation! Bridge is out! Corporate kids, eye surgery, painting, and wrong things about monkeys...
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
The Mutual Audio Network
Teknikal Diffikulties #125- Rested(080224)
[MUSIC PLAYING] This episode is brought to you by Experian. Are you paying for subscriptions you don't use, but can't find the time or energy to cancel them? Experian could cancel unwanted subscriptions for you, saving you an average of $270 per year, and plenty of time. Download the Experian app. Results will vary. Not all subscriptions are eligible. Savings are not guaranteed. Paid membership with connected payment account required. What's so funny, why Friday follies, of course, right here on the Mutual Audio Network. [LAUGHTER] The following audio drama is rated R and is recommended restricted for anyone under the age of 17. The producer of this podcast would like to reassure his audience that neither he nor any of his family or friends were injured or killed in a local collapsing bridge. But he's really, really touched that you were worried. Thanks. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] August 3, 2007, and you are experiencing-- you are holy crap. The entire Twin Cities is experiencing technical difficulties. Jeez. Holy crap, doodlers, folks. Well, in case you weren't paying any attention to the news or those of you out there who are part of the international audience who may not keep up with American themes, I don't know if this might have been covered in foreign newspapers. Those being outside the United States of America. But there was a major friggin' bridge collapse here in the Twin Cities right near the downtown area. And no, I had nothing to do with it, and I was not involved with it. It did not happen. Although I was crossing over a nearby bridge shortly before it happened. That's so pathetic. Oh, I was on another bridge, like 15, 20 minutes before it happened. I was on a different bridge, and I was home by the time I'd heard anything about it. So that's like saying, yeah, I almost got injured once sometime, sort of. But anyway, that was the 35W bridge, which is a-- 35W is a major artery in the Twin Cities. And that bridge is something I go over all the time. I visit a friend of mine and over near by the University of Minnesota, and I would drive over that bridge all the time. And so, yeah, I don't feel any weirder about it, though, because the bridge I used regularly, that everybody in this town used regularly collapsed. I don't feel weird about it because there's a lot of people who think, god, that's so weird. I could have been me. I could have been on that bridge when it collapsed. And it makes me kind of paranoid because there's so many bridges. There are a lot of bridges in this city. You know, it makes me paranoid about driving over them. It doesn't make me paranoid about driving over them. Or rather, should I say, it doesn't make me any more paranoid about driving over them. Every time I drive over a bridge, somewhere in the back of my mind, my frightened, coward lizard brain is convinced it's going to collapse. So if I had been on that bridge when I did collapse, it would have been like, that seat. There you go. There it is. Right there. I knew it. That's me. I would have had my arms folded. Like, I knew it. And I knew it just before I hit the water or the ground or whatever. Anyway, a lot of people survived. It seems like most of the people who went over the-- went collapsed on the bridge. Go on CNN.com. You'll see the video. I'm sure it's all over the dang web. You'll see how it collapsed. It seems like most of the people got out, thankfully. A lot of injuries and probably possibly a lot of deaths, but they're not sure they're still sort of looking for-- they're doing a recovery to try and find any bodies of people who were in cars. They got swept and fell into the water. And that's another thankful thing, by the way. We've been experiencing a drought here in Minnesota that everybody-- everybody, including myself, has been complaining about. But if we had had a normal rain level, the Mississippi would have been a lot higher and probably running a lot faster. And there's every possibility that the section of roadway that hit the water might have wound up underwater. So a lot more cars and people might have been swept into the river had that been the case. So that's my news report. Normally, I'd be already well into the hilarity that is my program. But you notice, I kind of truncated the front end. Anyway, that's more important than my little week I took off, which I'll tell you about, I guess, at the back end of the show. Let's not let you wait. Anyway, let's get right into the so-called comedy. See you in a bit. Bye. Son, we need to talk. Are you in there? Hi, I'm not in my room right now. But if you'd like to get in touch with me, just leave a name and phone number at the sound of the beep. Beep. Admirable effort, son, but no dice. Hi, Dad, what's, uh, what seems to be the problem? We need to have a little heart to heart, boy. Your mother and I couldn't help but notice such a greed slipped drastically lately. Well, maybe you and mom shouldn't be so nosy that these things wouldn't bother you. That's very astute logic. I'll take that into consideration. Thanks for having this little talk, son. I feel better already. Whew, that was close. You wish. Damn it. All right, what seems to be the problem this time, son? Girls, peer pressure, drugs, ponzi schemes. Come on out with this. Well, it's none of those things, Dad. Well, what the flippin' heck is wrong, then, son. According to your teacher, you've gone from an A student to a student willing to dole out sexual favors just to pass the class. I mean, come on, boy. I didn't raise someone to whore themself out so cheaply. If you're gonna be a prostitute, do it for money. Well, Dad, it's just that a bunch of friends in mine after class have gotten involved into some extracurricular activities, that's all. Such as? Well, you know how the entire history of adolescent entertainment is filled with young people who go around solving mysteries of one sort or another? Oh, you mean like encyclopedia, Brown, you know, a Nancy Drew with the hottie boys or the cast of Scooby-Doo? Exactly, Dad. After school, me and a bunch of friends pile into a van with a talking dog. And you go around solving mysteries, eh? Well, not so much solving mysteries as engaging in corporate espionage. Corporate espionage? I bet that pays a bundle. Oh, you don't know the half of it, Dad. I can't even claim my earnings under threat of death. Be that as it may, your mother and I didn't raise you to be a whore for the man. Not while you're living for free under this roof. So I'm gonna have to start charging your rent, if you don't mind. How much? Is your room, 2,000 square feet? How about 1,100 a month plus utilities? That's chump change, Dad. Drew, but it will take the edge off my blow habit. And so, later that day. What's going on here? Why, Jimmy, you and your friends have caught the glowing ghoul. That's right, Sheriff. And now let's see who's really behind that mask. Oh, man, we're the spoon. But why was he trying to frighten everyone away from the abandoned amusement park? Well, it's simple, Sheriff. He needed the privacy to develop a small, innovative, reasonably priced business software application suite, which he planned to put on the market to compete with Microsoft Office. And I would've gotten away with it, too, and my small business would've survived if it hadn't been for you meddling kids when you're talking dogs. Good work, Jimmy. Now Microsoft can steal his ideas and drive him right out of business. Just doing my part for corporate America, Sheriff. Getting paid clean up the butt from when I hear. You've been watching the competitive response solution gang. And now these messages. Hi. Wouldn't it be nice to live in a world free from dependence on eyeglasses and messy contact lenses? The problem is, is LASIC procedures are extremely expensive, and a lot of insurance companies don't cover them. Wouldn't it be great if something like LASIC surgery was affordable by the average person? Well, at last, there's a company that agrees with you. We're Advanced Vision Solutions. And we can't afford LASIC surgery either. And frankly, it makes us really depressed. So the next time you see our company at the bar all sad and blurry-eyed, consider buying us a drink. We could use some cheering up. Advanced Vision Solutions. Life's a bitch, isn't it? Hey, Kyan here. You know, one of the tasks of being a podcaster in a weekly basis is you're always struggling to make the show better and better. To that end, I always like to listen to any sort of suggestions that my listeners send in to me. And here's one right now. It says, "Dear Kyan, your show has sucked balls lately. Why can't you go back to the way it was the first year of broadcast when you would paint those gorgeous canvases in just under half an hour? I found those shows so relaxing, signed Boris and Natasha Grover's Mill, New Jersey. Well, Boris, you appear to have confused my program with the seminal Joy of Painting program by the late Bob Ross. That's a bit of a problem here. You know, you're not gonna hear anything about painting canvases on this show. But I'm not one to disappoint, so let's give it a whirl. Shall we? And now it's time for the Joy of Painting with your host, Kyan Chris Conroy. Hi there and welcome back to the program. It's always a pleasure for me to be here with the audience and teach you the joy and fun you can have with a piece of stretch cloth and a bunch of semi-toxic pigments. Well, I got my canvas set up here right now and I've covered it with a thin layer of liquid white and you should see the colors scrolling across the bottom of the screen there or you would if we had a video feed. But since we're audio only, you're basically screwed. So I thought we'd do something a little different this week instead of doing a land or seascape as usual. I thought we'd try it and attempt oil painting in the style of one of my favorite artists, Tom of Finland. Now the first thing you gotta do is get out your palette knife and just mix up a little bit of very flesh colored paint like that. Good Caucasian color there. Get a cut off a simple roll. See the camera can see that? We don't have a camera so it doesn't matter, just use your imagination. Now, you're gonna have to make some decisions on the canvas here and figure out exactly where the manhood lives. And it's, right, and I've decided it's gonna be shh, shh, right there. And remember, don't spare the paint. You know what artists are trying to copy here. (upbeat music) - Good afternoon, we interrupt this program to bring you a special news report and to get out of that sketch with the modicum of our dignity still intact. Hello, welcome to 24 Hour Action News and I'm your host, Slip Zippli. I've just been heading to news alert and it says the room is lit by a strange soft light which illuminates a section of a sandy beach beyond the beach is a pool of water framed by a crystal cavern. The light seems to flow from everywhere. The pool in walls glisten with a soft moonlight but the most arresting thing in the room is a singer. Sitting in the beach in front of the crystalline pool is a beautiful nude woman. She is young and slim with long golden hair and pale white skin. Her flesh seems to radiate a soft silvery light and her hair is a golden aureol. Now, as a seasoned reporter, I can only ask one question. Which one of you wise asses replaced my news alert with this old D&D module? - Roll against intelligence, Slip. - Alrighty, 18. - It was me. - Damn you. - You're my audience. If you're ever in the market to hire somebody, don't ever consider employing anyone with a name like Gullstroft the half-walk, whether or not they're union certified. - Yes, it was 25 years ago. The year was 1982 and our youth was being accused of turning into raving lunatics and axe-wielding murderers due to the influence of D&D in heavy metal. Yes, youngins, believe it or not, things were even stupider than they are now. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you telling me that back in 1982, people who played D&D were considered bloodthirsty satanists and not just misfits and social outcasts and stoners like they are now? - Yes, back in 1982, if you had a bag of polyhedronal dice, you were looked upon as someone who was just as likely to be a kitten murdering rapist for the overfiend. - Oh man, I was born too late. - Yeah, and you scratched up my vinyl to you, little D20 nerd, yeah? - You know, nine out of 10 people agree your mother was right. If you keep playing with that thing, you'll put your eye out and maybe then you'll be happy. And nine out of 10 people continue to play with that thing just like that and they did put their eye out and you know what, they weren't happy. All except for that guy right over there. - You heard, kiss the black spot, shiver me timbers, ah jimmy lad, lift them in sail. - So remember, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. - Hey, dude, where's everybody going, man? The party was just getting into swing. - Yeah, drum someone in the kitchen, put his eye out with that thing and now the party's over. - Oh man, stupid ocular injuries. - Wouldn't it be nice if we lived in a world where everybody could afford lasic surgery? Just think everyone in the whole world could sit back, wide awake, looking up into an instrument that ultimately brings down a blade to cut their eyes open and fire a laser beam inside it while they're completely awake the whole time. (screaming) - Problem, Sean? Doctor, I just had the most horrible nightmare in the entire world. - Nope, that wasn't a nightmare, that was the left eye and a hold still, we gotta get the right one. - No! (laughing) - Advanced vision systems, we cut your eyeballs open and shoot 'em with a laser and love every second of it. This program is also brought to you by Trimark Pictures' all new erotic family film I Am Curious George. Yes, this holiday season, good old curious George finally hits puberty and the man in the yellow has a lot of apologizing to do in his wake. - All right, I wanna know which one of you bastards green lit a family film that involves sex with monkeys in it. - It was me, I've been waiting for this moment my entire life, it's my pet project. - You said your pet project was a biblical epic based on the book of Joe. - No, I didn't, I said monkey sex, it's on the contract. - Give me that. - Let's see, let's see if it knows where. - Oh, I see, you're right. For some reason I thought the monkey sex was how you wanted to be paid. - I can get that for nothing. - Is it true? Is sex with lower primates rampant among Hollywood producers? - We brought in our studio expert, Dr. Henry Rothman. Dr. Rothman, am I, oh my God. - Oh baby, oh baby, oh. (beep) - We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by. We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by for monkey sex. Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Turn that camera off. - You just had to go there, didn't you? Couldn't just leave it alone yet. A perfectly good joke there with I am curious, George. You know, a little pun on I am curious. You had to run screaming past the line of good taste, didn't you? Yes, I did, okay? Sometimes you spot your destiny and you just got like a running for it with all the might you got in your little body. Well, I hope you're proud of yourself. There was a lot of kids and parents out there who listened to this podcast too, you know. Ah, leave me alone. What do you want? I'm no role model. Well, that sounds like an angry knock, if ever I've heard one. Come in. Okay, what's the big idea there, Buster? See, he was offended by the hardcore monkey porn too. That's right, I was what, by the who? Nevermind, what's the problem, Leonard? You said there was going to be a new Leonard to Big Adventure this week, what happened? I thought you hated that title, Leonard. Yeah, you kept pestering me to change it. Well, you didn't and I'm used to it, okay? So, what is the new LBA, eh? Well, there is an extenuating circumstances to why we didn't have your new LBA this week. Now he's gonna pull out the bridge trauma excuse. No, it's not that, it's not that, it's actually something else entirely. Like what? Well, if you must know, during the week that I took off from doing the show, I mean, I wrote the notes down for the next Leonard's Big Adventure, so I had every intention of doing it, but it's just that I quit smoking. So, if you know anything about what happens when you quit smoking, your voice gets kind of flemmy and all gummed up and stuff as your body tries to kick all the crap out of your lungs and up until just this afternoon, I couldn't do the Leonard voice at all because I was just all gravelly and stuff. Well, all right, I'll get it passed just because it's health related. Yep. (banging) Come in. Oh, hey everybody, how y'all doing? Oh, hey, pester, how are you? Hello, pester, how are you? I'm fine, Leonard. Listen, I was wondering, are we gonna wrap up Leonard's Big Adventure thing up soon? I mean, I'd like to get back to the apostle hour. I got a backlog of jokes for that. Yeah, it's gonna take a couple more episodes, but well, I'm gonna wrap that up post-haste, don't worry about that. Yeah, Melman told me to tell you that he also wants coffee and that transformers thing to wrap up too. Fine, fine, okay, geez, I take one week off, you're just piling the requests on me, damn. You know, this is all well and good and everything, but we're kind of winding down the episode here. So, really, we need a joke to go out on before I start up the old dev, you know, outro music. Uh, let's see. - Okay, I don't have anything. - I think I used anything ahead. - We have that one, Tando. - Here, we have that one. - I can't find any. - Oh, come on, there's gotta be something we haven't used up yet. Oh, I got it, hang on. There you have it, folks. It's a painting of a tom of Finland leather freak having sex with a chimpanzee playing D&D during a LASIK procedure. Remember, until next time, joy of painting. God bless, and I'll leave the light on for you. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) And anyway, that's the show for the week. Thanks so much for tuning in once again. I have been your host, Kyle and Chris Conroy, and this has been Technical Difficulties for August 3rd. Oh, God, it's August already. August 3rd, 2007. (sighs) Hey, Reed Waller, if you're out there, happy birthday. I gotta send him an email and a happy birthday message. Anyway, yeah, I took a week off and I wanted to tell everybody, not a spectacular amount happened there. I just gotta rest up and I'm really thinking how the show goes, but I still got some things to tie up here. I got some notes and I got some story loose ends to finish up and then I wanted to kind of shift around how the show was played out because I'm getting a little tired of the way things are running. I need to kind of freshen it up a bit. I've also had some offers for people to send me some script ideas and stuff and that was very kind of you, thank you. And who knows, I may do another one of those listener participation episodes coming up very soon just so people will send me stuff and that'll give me a chance to kind of rework other people's material. And like that. So yeah, and I quit smoking during that week, at least temporarily anyway, I don't know, I may make a permanent, it may only be just for a month long thing, but I just need to sort of clean out my system of all the gunk that's in it. But I feel better. I got a rest up from doing the show and I've worked on my house and caught up with some things and now I'm ready to do some more comedies. So next week will be a Leonard's big adventure. If you'd like to contact me, send me @techdif, T-K-D-I-F-F at gmail.com or techdif@tcinternet.net. If you want to get in contact with me, if you'd like to leave a comment over at the comments page, that's techdif.com and I'll see you guys all again next week and like that. So take care and God bless and I don't remember, I forget how Bob Ross finishes that show. Well, I'll forget it. Anyway, bye. (gentle music) - You're listening to Friday Follies, jokes, laughs and guffaws to tickle your funny bone on the Mutual Audio Network. Join us tomorrow morning on Mutual for Saturday's story circle. Bring the kids your coloring books and crayons and get the whole family into a great start to the day with audio cartoons. You can always subscribe to the full Mutual Audio Network feed for everyday of audio drama that fits your fancy. Or discover Saturday's story circling your favorite podcast players like Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Stitcher or Spotify. - The Mutual Audio Drama Network where we listen and imagine together. (gentle music) [MUSIC PLAYING]