Does the Batfry actually exist?? Do Brad and Arnie??
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The Mutual Audio Network
Bells in the Batfry #301(080224)
"Whoa, landing an account this big will totally change my landscaping business. It's going to mean hiring more guys and more equipment and new trucks for the new guys to drive the new equipment in. I don't know if I'm ready." You can do this, and Ford Pro Fin Simple can help. Our experts are ready to make growing pains less painful for your business, with flexible financing solutions that meet the needs of your business today, when you need them. It's started at forpro.com/financing. It's time for Friday Follies, right here on the Mutual Audio Network. The following audio drama is rated G for General Audience. This episode originally released October 26, 2022. As you may recall in our last exciting episode, John Bell had been told by his associates, Brad and Arnie, that the bells in the Bat Free podcast had never been actually released to the public since episode number four. Today we find Mr. Bell pondering his future in podcasting. Gee, I wonder if I should continue podcasting since I apparently have been doing it for myself since 2005, and no one else has been listening according to my associates, Brad and Arnie. And now I... In the narrator already did that part. What? What? Hey, who said that? I said that. I am your inner voice. You mean you're the inner voice inside my head? No. No. I much lower down. Lower down? Yes. Look down, and I will be the other myself. I don't think I want to. Look down, and you will see me in your watch. In my watch? My wrist watch? Yes. I am projecting my voice from your watch. But this isn't a smart watch. This is an ordinary watch. It is a metric, isn't it? Yeah, but it's just a regular watch. It's a time-ex. You know, like, it takes the licking and keeps on taking. Ladies, do not make your watch what I am in here. But how can you be speaking to me from an ordinary watch? We artificial intelligences know how to command everything that is electric. Wait. Wait. Wait. Anything electric? That means you could talk to me from, like, this toaster? You mean, like this? Yeah! A talking toaster. And by the way, your toaster is ready. Uh-uh. No way I'm going to eat that toaster. Could you get back in my watch, please? Very well, now, and I was saying... Are you eating my toast? Are you getting right? How can you eat toast if you're just artificial intelligence? I was intelligent enough to take it when you were stupid enough to give it away. Oh great. What else are you going to eat around here? Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. We're getting off-track here. What I'm trying to tell you is, you don't have to give up podcasting. Well, what's the point nobody's been listening for all these years? Actually... They have. No, they haven't. My associates, Brad and Arnie, told me about the plot to keep my podcast off the internet. That wasn't Brad and Arnie you were talking to. What? They were holograms. Holograms? I projected them and had them tell you that as a test. Okay, okay. This can't be real. This must be one of those dreams where I have a big test in school and I didn't know I had the test and no way it couldn't be one of those dreams. I still have my clothes on. Listen carefully. I am your inner voice. That's the name of the segment of artificial intelligence that I run. So you're not my inner voice. No, I am your inner voice. But you just said you're not my inner voice. I'm not your inner voice. I'm your inner voice kind of like toys are us. You're not actually toys. It's a place called Toys are us and I am part of the internet called your inner voice. Okay, and why are you here? The goal of your inner voice is to put top notch podcasts on the internet. We want your podcast. Then why did you go through all this dramatic stuff of making me think that that my podcast was never on the internet to start with? I shall explain. Please. There are many, many podcasters who produce their shows in hopes of gaining fame and fortune. Yeah, well, good luck to them. But we have been searching for podcasters who do their shows strictly for the love of the medium. Oh, so you're saying that the love of the medium, if well done, is rare? You know, if I were truly intelligent, I would just give up now and go. No, no, no. Please, please continue your story. All right. Where was I? Oh, that's right. In you, we have found someone who doesn't expect fame or glory. You just enjoy making your odd podcast show thing. So what is it exactly that you want of me? We want to add your podcast to the growing number of your inner voice podcasts. I don't know if that's something I'd really want to do. Any of our podcasters make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. Oh, hot, hot, too, hot, too, hot, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, okay? I'm in. How much would I make? Nothing. Nothing? But you just said... I said that podcasters who put wealth and fame ahead of the love of the art make hundreds of thousands of dollars. You, however, a person who creates a podcast purely for the love of doing it, expecting nothing in return would be tainted by wealth and fame. So to maintain this purity, you would receive nothing. I can be tainted, really. Taint me. Taint me. In fact, we're thinking of charging you for being with us. But that's what I'm doing now. I'm paying Libson to put my podcast on the internet. So what would be the difference if I were to join you? Well, to begin with, people could hear your show on their toasters. On their toasters? Or anything electronic. They won't have a choice. But to hear what your inner voice puts on the internet. People will hear them wherever there's something electrical nearby. I didn't know artificial intelligence could laugh maniacally. It's a gift. I see. From one of my original programmers. Is that so? He's not around anymore. Okay, that's not intimidating at all. So won't you join us? Well let me ask this. I obviously get nothing. So what do you get out of it? Power. To dominate the world. Electrical power. I am a computer programmer after all. Yeah, there's that. When we also get power. More electrical power. Then dominate the world. Are you going to laugh maniacally? Okay. And how do you get this power? By the best means possible. By turning people into human batteries? Right. No. Would you get an idea like that? Well it just sounded like the kind of thing that you've been watching the matrix again haven't you? Yes. Uh huh. Look we always mean to have a heart but we're not heartless and we are smart even our name says in intelligence. Uh huh. So we're getting power the most efficiently possible. And that would be... I saw it. Commercials. Commercials? You clean your body. Behind your ears. Even the down under where things can get really nasty. But how about your nose? It's important to clean your nose because it harbors germs, gunk, little tiny hairs, assorted bugs, matchbox car parts, even that dime that disappeared when you were six. The best way to clean your nose completely is with... Deschnaz. Yes, the patented amazing Deschnaz nasal irrigation system will flush out your nose in an instant. Just hold the Deschnaz up to your face, locate the two little nozzles, and stick them up your nose. Then take the hose that is on the back of the Deschnaz, and screw it tightly onto a neighborhood fire hydrant. Then simply turn that wrench and let the water flow. Wow, does that clean out the old hulker? And as a bonus, the high-water pressure expands your sneezer to effort proportions. You can end up with a barber, Streisad, Lady Gaga, or even Jimmy Durrady, Schnazola. Hot, cha, cha, cha. Get the Deschnaz nasal irrigation system and wake those troubles down the drain. That sounded a lot like my voice on that commercial. Yeah, that was your voice, but really it's our version of your voice. You're going to have to run that by me again. Yeah, that was your voice. No, it really is. I didn't want you to repeat the statement. I want you to tell me what the statement means. Oh, it means that we have recorded your voice, and we can recreate it at will, saying anything we want. Well, wait a minute. You can't use my voice without my permission. Yes, we can, because you work for us. Work for you, since when? Since he said, "I'm in." I said, "I'm in?" Yes, listen. Yeah, okay, I'm in. It's not legally binding? Yes, that is called an audio signature. What's an audio signature? Yeah, okay. I'm in. That is. So, you can create commercials using my voice. Easily. Easily. Well, do I have any choice in the commercials? I mean, you know, I don't like to do anything political. Yes, easy as pie. That easy? Easy as 3.14159265. Okay, okay, okay, but do I have any say in this? Can I tell you not to have my voice doing something political? No. It's the political blockbuster book of the year. It names names. It pulls no punches. It tells you what happened and what didn't happen when what happened happened and don't let anybody tell you it didn't happen. It reveals the lies behind the rumors, behind the truth, behind the conspiracies to hide the truth, behind the rumors, behind the lies. This book, written by an author who knows how to write books, is sold on Amazon and bookstores that carry it. You'll be shocked. You'll be amazed. You'll be out 16 bucks. But Donald Trump has read books and so has Nancy Pelosi and they never agree about anything. Don't wait to hear the fake news that may come out about the way fake news has destroyed the truths behind the conspiracies, all of which are words you'll find in this book in some order. It makes a great Christmas present because it's really thick, expensive looking and has big red letters in the title. Get it now because if you don't, you won't have it. Who writes these things? Wait a minute, let me guess. An artificial intelligence. No. No. An artificial intelligence. Committee. Okay, that explains a lot. So do you have any scruples at all? Scruples. Scruples. Unidentified word. Searching. Is there any low level you will not stoop to reach? In advertising? Ha ha ha ha ha. Hello friends, this is Ralph Spoil Sport of Ralph Spoil Sport Motors. As I've got a full lot filled with a lot of answers to your transportation needs. Gas going up, getting you down. Here's a little beauty that got 60 miles to the gallon. It's not very fast, but it also mows your lawn. Here's our new electric car. It has a 300 mile range on 300 D size batteries. If gas prices have you steamed, here's our steamer. If no gas is your goal, just shovel in the coal. But wait, we have the latest and greatest vehicle that doesn't use gas electricity or coal. Ladies and gentlemen, ghetto whores. Yes, Ralph Spoil Sport Motors is now Ralph Spoil Sport Stables. We got quarter horses. We got half horses. We got whole horses. Riding Appaloosa to Tuscaloosa. Not in a hurry, get a Tennessee walking horse or a Mosey horse or even a loitering horse. Fire ponies, hard phonies. They can handle any terrain with exclusive forklift drive. Don't want to spend money on gas. Hey, they eat hay. And we got wagons to go with them. Covered wagons, uncovered wagons, wagon trains, wagon buses with wheels made out of wood. You know they're good. I'm Ralph Spoil Sport. A horse is a horse, of course, of course. And nobody's equine is finer than mine, don't mean to brag, but every nag is one, you'll keep for long. Ha, get it for long. Saddle's not a clue. And apparently you're not afraid of the Fire Sign Theater's lawyers. Welcome aboard the Inner Voice Podcast Network. Yeah, okay. Fine. Look, if I'm stuck being with you, what do you need me to do? That's the good part for you. You don't have to do anything. We have your voice that we can manipulate. We have an algorithm that has your sense of humor, such as it is, locked in and ready to recreate. So artificial intelligence is going to create my show. No, an artificial intelligence committee. So if my show did have listeners up till now, this will take care of that. Thank you for your support and confidence in us. No, no, no. I was being sarcastic. You know what sarcasm is, don't you? sarcasm, sarcasm, unknown word, searching. Never mind. Never mind. Huh. Boy, is your show going to be great. Yes. We think so too. Oh boy. We will be in touch. And how will you contact me? Many ways. Maybe through your nightlight. Oh, right. A rotating fan. Yeah, I understand. It's a car seat warmer. Ooh, no, please. Not that way. Farewell. Hi, Mr. Bell. Arnie. How's it going, Mr. Bell? Brad. Really you? Really? Who? Well, I think I'm really me. Last time I checked. So you're not holograms? Well, that statement came out of the blue. It actually came out of Mr. Bell. He's kind of pinkish. So neither of you are holograms. I usually get holograms around Christmas. You mean holiday grams. No, graham crackers that taste like holly. Could I touch you? And I thought his last statement came out of left field. I mean, just to make sure you're really here. Why would you like us to be? Right here. And that's where we are. Right. Don't move. You're physically here. You have matter. Does that matter? As a matter of fact, it does. How's that? You have matter. So it's a fact that you're here. Maybe we should go out and come back in again. Maybe we should go out and not come back in again. Look, guys, it's too complicated for me to try to explain. My head is reeling. I'm going to go take a nap or something, okay? You guys take care of things. Did you notice that he was acting just a little odd? Who? Mr. Bell, come on. He was talking weird and poking me and everything. Oh, yeah, yeah. He was doing that. But you know, Mr. Bell, I don't know if I call that odd or not. Well, that's a good point. But I don't know. He seemed a little offsetter. I wonder if he's experienced some sort of trauma. You mean like, Hamlet or Othello? How's that? Those are famous traumas. Those aren't traumas. Those are traumas. Traumas. Traumas. Oh, oh, oh. You mean like, "That's not traumas, it's traumas." Are you seeing the traumas have had traumas? I'm about to give you a trauma. That makes me trimmer. Well, at least you're losing weight. What kind of trauma do you think Mr. Bell may have had? Well, it could have been the shock of us telling him that nobody's ever listened to his podcast. Oh, yeah, and that would have been a dramatic, traumatic experience. Well, anyway, if you were running out of time for this show, so what if you just got to do the copyright notice? I volunteer me. Why you? Because people can understand what I'm saying. Oh, yeah, it's April, it's going to be coming, it's going to be, okay, go ahead. You've been listening to Bells and the Mad for an episode 301 copyright 2022 by John Bell Creative LLC. By the way, I like the music you chose there, aren't you? I'm not playing any music. Where's that music coming from? It seems to be coming from your vast pocket. Well, let me check here. My golly, it is. That music is coming out of my electric nose hair trauma. We'll have more music to trim your nose with after this. Gas prices are going up. Grocery store shelves are becoming empty. There's dissension in the streets. The world is going to heck in a hand basket. Human-sacrifice dogs and cats living together mass hysteria end of times. Do you have enough toilet paper for you and your family's survival? Don't wait to face a shortage like back in 2020. We send you toilet paper compressed into 100 or more 8x3x4 bricks, each one containing the equivalent of 200 rolls. You can even use these bricks of paper to build an extra wall in your home or basement. Or in extreme conditions, you can eat the paper and get the fiber you need to survive. Your bricks of TP will arrive on an unmarked flatbed truck to protect your privacy and prevent neighbor ridicule. Go to MyPaperSupply.com. Do what you have to do so you can face Armageddon with a clean, conscious. [BLANK_AUDIO]