Jerome goes to a club and then therapy, Jesus is a bit steamed, and I talk to the people on the street And MC/VL Cold Check it!
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Teknikal Diffikulties #124- Man on the Street(072624)
[MUSIC PLAYING] This episode is brought to you by Experian. Are you paying for subscriptions you don't use, but can't find the time or energy to cancel them? Experian could cancel unwanted subscriptions for you, saving you an average of $270 per year, and plenty of time. Download the Experian app. Results will vary. Not all subscriptions are eligible. Savings are not guaranteed. Paid membership with connected payment account required. We hope you're enjoying the mutual audio network. Stick around. There's much more to come. The following audio drama is rated R and is recommended restricted for anyone under the age of 17. Gentlemen, welcome to Fight Club. First rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club. Can we talk about Fight Club while we're here? Huh? I mean, here, can we talk about Fight Club with each other? Yes, you can talk about it when you're here. Cool, that would have been awkward otherwise. Second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club. Unless you're here, you can talk about it when you're here. OK, cool, that's good. All right, the third rule of Fight Club is someone says stop. Goes limp or taps out. The fight is over. Are we allowed to bring food? Because I bought brownies, and I don't know. I think I got enough for everybody. All right, you, get out. You're not welcome here. But, come on, man, I was just my first night here. I didn't get a chance to fight yet. I don't care, get out, you're being disruptive. No, get out. No, I'm not leaving. What are you going to do, huh? You're going to fight me? No. Oh, man, come on, I paid to get in and everything. You're not supposed to pay to get in. Fight Club is free. Oh, dude, that bouncer scammed me. So that's what happened when I tried to join a social club. So that's why I'm here in group therapy because I have problems getting along with people. I see, thank you, Jerome. And you, next, what is your name again, Timmy? I'm occasionally, yeah. And why are you here for group therapy? Well, I'm not sure. I am only here because I asked my mom for a Pepsi. Turns out she's a big suicidal tendencies fan. Not in a good way. But you're not crazy. No, she's the one who's crazy. I see, yes. Well, now moving on to the next-- Can I get a Pepsi? No. Damn it. Now you, sir, your name is-- Kayan, is it? Yeah, yeah. It's a stage name, but-- I see. So why are you here? Anger management. How so? Well, I've got a lot of anger. Mm-hmm. So I was just thinking, do I just sort of like channel it all into kind of the sociopolitical outrage, or do I divvy it up between that and bitterness about my childhood, and put some maybe towards punching things, you know, holes and walls and stuff like that? I'm just kind of figuring out where to put what. Not really grasping the concept, are you? No, ma'am. So how's your spiritual life? I'm not getting laid much. I was asking about your spiritual life. Oh, oh, oh, I see. I'm sorry. Didn't quite hear you. I'm not getting laid by ghosts much. It says here on your sheet, you're not religious. Not since I saw a battlefield earth. No, I'm going to get quite a bit of that. Have you considered joining a religion? I mean, sometimes that does help with people who have anger problems to get in touch with the sort of spiritual side and join a community. Actually, I did join a religion. Really? Which one? I converted to secular Judaism. How's that working out for you? You're asking me? Like, I'm supposed to know. I'm working out while I see. All right, stop the joke if you can call it a joke, OK? Because I have to complain because you suggested that a religion other than fundamentalist Christianity can fix your problems if you have them, OK? And they can't, because they're like fake, and like, Jesus is the only one who can fix your problems, all right? And Christians are better than everybody because we give more money to charity and stuff, OK? Take that, Christopher Hitchens, OK? And when other people give money to charity, it's because they feel guilty, OK? Guilty, and they're trying to score points for God because they're guilty that they're not Christians, and they aren't going to faith in his face as wrath on judgment, David. It's not the same for Christians when we give it. It's because we like to give because we're so cool, OK? And we're like oppressed in other parts of the world and stuff, you know? And like Africa and like China and stuff, you know? Like, we're totally oppressed, so that's why, like, we know we're true because we're completely oppressed religion. Damn it, my latte got called. And I'm coming, hold on, shut up. It's Jesus. You're here at last. Is this the end of the age? Is it finally the rapture? Have you come to take me up into the bosom of heaven and sit at your right hand? Me? You're good and faithful servant? Ah, why, Lord, why? Cock-punched by Jesus. Welcome back to 24 Hour Action News, I'm your host, Slip Zippily. Fundamentalist Christian leaders all across the United States of America have reported having been punched in the balls by Jesus. Each report the same experience, they're in their quiet time or praying or threatening their kids with hell or something like that. And when all of a sudden there is a knock at the door, they open it and there stands the son of God who then turns around and smacks them in the ambag. With me in the studio is my special guest. To discuss this, Pastor Giles Blowhole of the all-consuming waters ministry. Hello, Slip. It's an honor and a privilege to be on your program. Darden Tutan, now pass the Blowhole. So what are we supposed to make of this as a culture? Is this it? The end of the age? The second coming? Has the wrath finally taken form? And is that form really the lamb of God going door to door and giving fundies a chop in the Jimmy? Well, Slip, I think it's because God is correcting the fundamentalist Christian community. How so? Yes. You see, Slip, we've gotten a reputation as being a people who oppress gay people and disparage other people's faith and try to rework the entire world in our own narrow-minded image. And you think Jesus wants you to stop doing that? No, if anything wants us to do more. I mean, come on, Slip, why would he punish his chosen people like that unless he wanted them to act more like they're already acting? Interesting viewpoint. Let's ask our second guest in the studio, Jesus. What do you think? Oh, I'm sorry Lord, I promise you to do more to ban Harry Potter books. Oh, I swirled to everything to stop hate crime legislation to defend gay marriage. Oh, yes, women should be more subservient. Oh, oh, oh. Well, with that interview finished, I suppose we'll be right back after these messages. Oh, dear. I think I've learned my lesson, Lord. I promise it be a good steward of the earth and I'll exploit it for every penny that it's worth. Hello, and welcome back once again to Technical Difficulties. I am your host, Kian Chris Conroy for this July 20th, 2007. Another week gone, you'll never get it back at any price and soon, oh, so soon, especially when you're doing a weekly program and it takes up a lot of your time, very soon you'll be dead. Just a thought to keep you company here. That's our way of doing community service here at Technical Difficulties. Anyway, what do I know? Welcome back to the program, I'll be on the backside of this program to tell you about important news and other things, but until then, this is going to be a slightly shorter show than usual and I'll tell you why at the end and I will see you at the backside of the comedy. Bye. This week's episode of Technical Difficulties is brought to you by Dunkirk, the all new fragrance from historical cosmetics, Dunkirk, smell the defeat. You know, earlier in the program, I did a joke about religion, which can be a hot button issue for some people. I decided to go out in the street and ask them what they thought about it. Okay, let's get some people, oh, there's a couple right there. Excuse me, sir? Yes, sir? Yeah. Did you hear that joke earlier in the program they did about Christians being cock punched by Jesus? Did you happen to find that offensive at all? Yes, I found it very, very offensive. I think it's another example of Christianity in America being under attack. Really? Yes, they're trying to ban Christianity outright. I'll give you an example. Last year, I was prevented from putting a nativity scene in front of my funeral parlour. Can you imagine this happening 50 years ago? Something as wholesome as a nativity scene in front of my funeral parlour and people complained. Reginals, the people didn't complain about the religious themes of the nativity scene. They complained because you made it out of dead bodies. Well, so it was cold out, it wasn't like they were stinking up the neighborhood. Yes, and you welded two of them together to make a camel. The families were incensed. I still stand by my statement. I think Christianity is under attack, but I'm not deeply offended by it. I know the world is going to be that way, and I'm very forgiving of that because I'm a Satanist. Satanist? No, no, no, I'm sorry. No, not a Satanist. What is it? When people, when they worship Satan, that would be a Satanist. Yeah, that's right. You just said you weren't one. Yes, I did. Huh? Well, my mother always used to say you can take the child out of the city because you can take the city out of the child. Stop without major surgery anyway. I think God's love is like the love of a dog, unconditional, hopefully with less pooping involved. Do you have a dog? Oh, certainly do. He's the apple of my eye. What kind is he? He's a Jack Daniels terrier. Don't you mean Jack Russell terrier? You've never seen my dog drink, have you? God? I'm sorry, I don't think about things like that. Really, why not? I'm a professional, I get paid not to think about things. Government job? Yeah, how'd you guess? Good money then? Oh yeah, do you know how much the government pays to people like me to do stuff like that? I don't want to think about it. Do you want a resume? Of course, there's only one true God and his name is Jesus Christ and almost put their faith and trust in him and repent of their sins and they shall be saved from the fires of hell and the wrath of God and the wiles of the devil because Jesus Christ is Victor. Jesus Christ is Victor? Yes. His name is Victor Christ. I never heard that one. No. I find it surprising you worship a God named Victor. No, look. Look, there is only one true God and Jesus is his son. Okay. All right. And all you have to do to be saved is repent. Except Jesus. How come Jesus doesn't have to repent? What? No. Left hook, body blow, right cross, uppercut, haymaker. Mr. Y come from them's fighting words. What I always know when it's going to rain because my old war wound aches. Oh really? Where were you wounded? The invasion of Normandy. I'm in what part of your body? Oh, I see. You're from my head. I had it blown clean off. We haven't had your head blown clean off. No, it's true. I have a prosthetic head. Look. What? God. Ah. Ah. Ah, what do you think of that? It came clean off. That's creepy, isn't it? Put that back on. Oh man. That's screwed up. I love that trick. All right. It's back on. You can look now. Oh yeah. I can see right down your neck stump. Oh. Oh. What's wrong? Headache. It's not raining. It is in Normandy. Well, I go to Catholic Church every single week in a beautiful old-style cathedral. It was made about two centuries ago. It's very lovely. Unfortunately, we're going to have to move out of it. Really? Why is that? Well, we have far too many parishioners every week. It's becoming a fire hazard. You mean that's right. We've reached critical mass. I remember it quite clearly. I'd just come off of Broadway, you understand? I had a triumphant performance as John Proctor in Arthur. I mean, it was crucible. I was nominated for a Tony for that one, you see. And I was in a restaurant on 42nd Street. I was sitting across from Dick Burton. And he had had about four or five Bourbons. And I remember looking at Dick and saying, "Dick, you've been dead for over 20 years. What are you doing in this restaurant? What's happened to me? Am I insane? Have I died? Is this hell? What's going on?" I think it's crucial for people to have religious background and upbringing. And to have that in your life, it's a good balance, you know? I mean, I think it helps you get through your more difficult decisions. Especially if somebody like me was a working stiff. So what do you do for a living? Gay porn. Working stiff. See what I did? Yeah, gotcha. Although it is true, you know. Do you have any idea how many penises I have to suck on a given day? I'd rather not think about it. Really? You know, my sister could get you this great job with the government. God? What do you ask me for? Why would I know anything about that? I have nothing to say on that subject. Well, I just thought you might have something to contribute based on your religious affiliation. A Lutheran? You're not Jewish? What made you think I was Jewish? Isn't that a Yarmulke you're wearing? What? Which one of you little bastards put this coffee filter on my head? Telling statistics indeed. And now, prematurely, here is the ending theme music. Oh, I'm not even going to wait for the usual point where I jump in. I'm just going to come in and write in here and talk over the whole damn thing. Here's the deal, folks. Excuse me. I just wanted to inform all of you that I'm running into a little bit of a... I may have mentioned this in the earlier shows over the last few weeks if you were listening. That I kind of hit the wall with ideas, which isn't entirely true. I'm not running completely out of notes. I found some. I used some of them today and I'm using some that are kind of half-baked to kind of rework them into new material for the show. But things have gotten incredibly busy around here. I have a lot of housework I have to catch up on. And when I say housework, I mean like major repair work to the house and things like that. And I just... I had to do so much this week that I actually got pushed towards the wire. I didn't have an ample opportunity to sit down and come up with new material. And frankly, I'm just at an emotional low at the moment. It's kind of hard doing this show week after week and I'm at a point in my life right now where doing it. It was just very difficult to come up with new material without taking a break. And my number is really low, which is normal for the summer. So it was suggested to me from several of my fans and from my wife and from my friends that maybe I should take a little break from technical difficulties, which is what I'm going to do. Now, don't panic. I'm only taking one week off. There will be no show next week. There will be no show for August 27th. I know there's a few people out there who really, really look forward to the show every Friday and have said so in their reviews, so I apologize for that upfront. I'm not taking a month off or anything. I'm just taking one week off and I'm going to relax a bit. And I promised myself I was going to take about five to 20, you know, I was going to want five minutes. I was going to try to take about an hour or so every day to sit down and come up with brand new material. I'm still going to finish off copy, Leonard's big adventure, but I'm just a little whooped right now. So I have to apologize for not having a show next week and for this show being a little bit on the short side. So sorry about that. And I actually want to keep the quality of the show very high. I don't think the quality of the show has suffered that much, but it could have been better if I had just had a lot more punch behind it. Plus, I'm really rethinking certain approaches to the show, not the whole format, but I want to try and make the show a little bit stronger. I keep saying that I haven't had really had an opportunity to really sit down and get in there and do that. So I'm going to do that over the next two weeks. I'm going to take some time off, I'm going to get some of this housework project done, and I'm going to move on with, you know, I'm going to get back to the show. This is not, don't worry, this isn't like Channel Surfing Wipeout over at channelsurfingwipeout.com, where it starts to drip away and then I stop doing it entirely. I have no reason to stop doing the show, but I have some things that I have to work out about how I'm going to continue to do the show because I want to really do the show and I want to continue to be funny. I just want to make it more, well you'll see, as the week continues. I think I need just lots of other ideas and stuff and I'll do all that. Anyway, I need to week off, so I'm taking one next week, so remember August 3rd is the next show. I'm going to do one more thing before I leave though, thank you all for your patience, by the way. Oh wait, hang on, before I get to this, let me get to other information here. If you want to contact me, send me a mail at techdiff@gmail.com. You can also contact me at techdiff@tcinternet.net, or you can go over to techdiff.com and leave a comment on the show on the show page. I've also noticed that you guys aren't around much during the summer. I don't get nearly as much mail during the summer, especially this summer as I had before. While my numbers have dipped, I've talked to other podcasters and everybody's podcast numbers plummet during the summer, and then they seem to pick up right after that. I think people just get back from their vacation or whatever it is they're doing and listen to their favorite shows in one big giant batch instead of tuning in every week. I don't know, but anyway, please just drop me a line, send me an email, a Gmail or whatever, if you feel like doing it. Go ahead, see if I care if you don't. No, really. Thanks a lot, you guys, for listening. I really do appreciate it. I really, yeah, all right, fine. Anyway, to round things out, I thought I'd wind the show up with a little bit of music, which I do on occasion, which means I've just come up a bit short, like I said. Sorry, but it's true. Now, I was going to play you a great piece of music by one of my favorite bands currently discovered that it isn't generally available as pod-safe music. Technically, I'm not sure I'd have to look into that. And you should as well, because the band is called Three Blind Mice, and they're from London. That's Three Blind Mice, the number three Blind Mice. They're available on iTunes. And it's a funny thing about that. I got permission from the band to play one of their songs. The song is called "Your Face Is Not Enough" off the album "Good Grief", an album I recommend very highly. Unfortunately, I bought the album off the iTunes Music Store, and Apple's new proprietary trick has its that when you burn it onto a CD, it leaves some sort of coded information, so when you put the CD back into your computer to rip it as an MP3, it won't let you and locks the format down. So thanks a lot, Apple, for absolutely nothing. You suck, all right? Thanks very much. I've got permission from the band after I bought their record to play their song on my show, and now I can't. And I don't have the cabling at the moment to actually work it out so I can play the song into my computer. So I guess we'll just have to hold that off for another day. Sorry, Alex and Lyndon and the other members of Three Blind Mice. Not that you're going to be exposed to a massive, huge audience anyway. So I'll just play this other song here. By another band I wanted to expose you all to. I've played them before. This is off their latest album. This is MCVL. My friends David Hanson and John Henry are the two MCs, and the DJ is Drew Bach, who is my roommate. And I think there's stuff available on Amazon, I don't know. Well, anyway, you can go to their MySpace page. Look for MCVL, MC/VL, and you'll find them on the web. Anyway, this is their song called Check It Off Their Albums Stance, and thanks a lot for listening. I'll see you again in two weeks. Bye. Are you ready? You got this, you'll cry. Go! Go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! You're listening to Friday Follies, jokes, laughs, and guffaws to tickle your funny bone on the mutual audio network. Join us tomorrow morning on Mutual for Saturday's Story Circle. Bring the kids your coloring books and crayons and get the whole family into a great start to the day with audio cartoons. You can always subscribe to the full Mutual Audio Network feed for everyday of audio drama that fits your fancy. Or discover Saturday's Story Circle in your favorite podcast players like Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Stitcher, or Spotify. The Mutual Audio Drama Network, where we listen and imagine, together. (bell dings)