The winner of the Contest Contest--plus an amazing discovery!
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The Mutual Audio Network
Bells in the Batfry #300(072624)
- Reporting live from under my blanket, I'm Susan Curtis with Duncan at home. Breaking news, pumpkin spice, iced and hot coffees are back. I'll pass it to Mr. Curtis with his blanket for the full story. - That is so right, Susan. You know, it's never too early to get in a spicy mood. I'm talking cinnamon-y goodness that's so tasty, people don't want to leave their blankets either. Back to you. - Mm, no, back to you. - Ugh, all you. - The home with Duncan pumpkin spice is where you want to be. - What's so funny, why Friday follies, of course, right here on the Mutual Audio Network. (laughing) - The following audio drama is rated G for general audience. - This episode originally released October 12th, 2022. Here we are, episode 300. And it's time to listen to all the contest entries and decide which contest is the contest winner. So, Arnie, have you gathered together all the contest entries? - Yes, Mr. Bell, I got all the emails together right here in Rio. - Brad, are you prepared to listen to these suggestions and be an impartial judge? - Sure, whatever. - All right, Arnie, what's the first suggestion that we got? - The first suggestion we got, we're from a guy named Corey. - Are you sure that's a guy? - I think it's a guy K-O-R-Y, Corey. - Could Corey be a guy from Corey, huh? - I only sing so, Brad. - How can you be so sure? - Well, first of all, he wrote without a career in accent. - I'll accept that. - He's suggested we have a contest wearing people's jaw what they think one of our characters looks like. - Oh, the draw, Brad, much worth contest. - You are not named specifically. - Of course, I wasn't named specifically. I was named Brad. - No, what, I mean it? - Brad, short for Bradworth. - Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Your name is Bradworth? - Yes, Bradworth, Motworth. - Yes, that is correct. - Do you have a middle name? - Yes, I have a middle name. - And that would be? - No, B is your last name, Bell. - No, that isn't what I-- - Are you gonna confuse Mr. Bell? - Not getting, staying. - What's your middle name, Bradworth? - Wadsworth. - Bradworth, Wadsworth, Motworth. - Yes, that is correct. - Why have you ever told us this before? - I could give you three good reasons. Bradworth, Wadsworth and Motworth. - And I suppose you have a better middle name as your arnie punch party. - Yes, my middle name is Boolean. - Your middle name is Boolean. - True, B-O-L-L-E-A-N. - True, Boolean sounds like a skinny ghost. - False. - Your parents named you this. - True, and computer programmers over the age of 50 are laughing right now. - So, Corey has suggested drawing a picture of one of the characters. - True. - Oh, stop. - The thing here is that all the characters already have pictorial depictions all the way back to when we started and that picture of you, Arnie, was drawn by Jeff Music. Just look at the big picture on the bells in the bat-free fan group thingy Facebook page, and you'll see all the characters drawn by Jason Lobbly. - Not all the characters you missed here, Bell. - Hey, they have me. What more do they want? - I'll be quiet, Mr. Wadsworth, dumb fellow. - So, what character have we missed? - Yeah, let me read you what Corey says. - Verb, beat him. - Don't bait him, he's confused enough. - Corey suggests a contest of best artwork for best and/or Mrs. Bell fan club. - My wife? - Whoa, Mrs. Ridge. - Yes, Mr. Bell. Even though there is a picture of the kitty camper girl who technically is Mrs. Bell, he wants a picture of Mrs. Bell. - Well, that's... - And you're not talking about the most important part of his letter for the Mrs. Bell fan club. - Oh yeah, for her fan club. - My wife has a fan club? - It would seem so. - Well, a lot of people have fan clubs, and... - Do you have a fan club, Mr. Bell? - Well, there's the Facebook thing. - No, that's a fan group thingy, Mr. Bell. It's not a fan club. - Well, what's the difference? - A fan club is a very organized group. - And what I have? - It's a thingy, Mr. Bell. - Yeah, but it's... - Right in the title, fan group thingy. - But it's organized. - Oh yeah, you going there lately? - It's all over the map. We've got people to talk about all sorts of weird stuff. - Well, gee, I mean, besides this show. - I guess we could put this one in the hat for the contest. - Yeah, I'm gonna top hat you can use. - Thank you, Brad. Okay, Arnie, what's the second suggestion that we got? - Uh... - Come on, what's the next suggestion that came in? - Well, that could be sort of problematic, Mr. Bell. - Oh, because so many came in at once, you can't tell exactly what order they were in. - That's not the problem. - Some were sent anonymously and we can't give credit. - That's not the problem. - We only got one suggestion. - That's the problem. - We only got one entry in the mail. - It would appear that way, Mr. Bell. - I wonder how much fan mail your wife gets on a regular basis, Mr. Bell. - You'd be quiet, Bradworth. - Never should have spilled that cat out of the bag of beans. - Well, it would appear that we have a winner. - Yay! - Although if my wife ever finds out about this, I'm never going to hear the end of it. - Hi, guys. - Mrs. Bell! - Well, what brings you to the studio? - My ears are burning. - Well, I don't know why they-- - Oh, my gosh, they are burning! - What? - calling 911! - Put it on my phone. What's the number for 911? - Yes! - Word, I got a fire extinguisher. Full of steel. - Hey, stop that. - Hold that close. Quit squirming. - Drop it off. - Well, the fire is out. - I'm sorry to hear that. - On our ears. Not in our marriage. - So you say. - So, what have you been up to today? - I've been in here talking with you and Arnie. How about you notice? - I wasn't talking to you. - Well, I've been pondering my legacy invention. - Not you. - Her. - She, her? - Who, her, my wife, she, who. - Oh! - The one with the fan club. - She was saying so. - We'd knock it off with the fan club stuff. Dear, what have you been doing? - Oh, just been reading my fan mail. - Fan mail? Yes, yes, of course. - How many do you have? - Just one. - Oh, okay. I guess that's not so. - But I'll open the other bags later. - Other bags? - There's plenty of time. - Yeah, so what are you doing after you answer all your fan mail? - I'm gonna go out and drive my new car. - Wait, wait, wait. You bought a new car? - My fan club gave it to me. - Oh. - Ta-ta. - All right. First one who laughs has to clean the restrooms for a year. - Oh, totally worth it. - All right, all right, all right. But I do wonder why I only got one response to the contest. - Well, you did spring the contest kind of suddenly honest there. - What difference would that make? - Well, that's short of time. We couldn't get hold of a lot of people. - What Brad means to say is people didn't have a whole lot of time to think about it. - Yeah, what I meant to say. - That's what you meant to say. - I meant to say that. Why didn't I say that? - Well, it's been said now. It's what doesn't matter. - What are you guys talking about? - Just your best listener following their, Mr. Vell. - Here's what? - This giant and growing audience, Brad. - Yes, my big audience that's growing by beeps and lounge. - But I want meeps and hounds. - Come again? - Peeps and mounds. - No, I want some candy. - You know what I mean. The people who have listened to the show for the last 300 episodes. - Oh, you mean me and Arnie. - I mean all my listeners. - Oh, that would be me and Arnie and Mrs. Bell. - Brad, don't you have something to do somewhere else other than here? - No, I don't think you want, are you pushing me? - Go tell your mother, she needs you. - What? - And yell other for your name. - Arnie did that. - Get out, get out, get out, get out. - Hold it, hold it, hold it. Something unusual and interesting seems to be happening here. - That'd be a first for this show. - It's almost as if Brad is trying to tell me something. - Why would Brad possibly have to tell you? - It seems to be something about my audience. - What audience? - Brad, stop teasing Mr. Bell. - My line is thinking it's about time he knew. - He knew what? - New jokes, that's what he says. - You should have new jokes. - That's not what I said. - That's what you meant to say. - There you go again. - Brad, it almost sounds like you're trying to tell me I have no audience at all. I mean, that would be a ridiculous notion. 300 episodes and I have absolutely no, is that what you're telling me? - I'm not. - Why aren't you? - We agree definitely to tell him. - I think you just blew that. - Tell me what? - Do you remember when you started podcasting back in 2005? - You were one of the pioneers of podcasting. - You sent out in your covered wagon of jokes and headed for the promised land. - You braved storms of RSS configurations. - Bands of hostile roving critics. - And miles of comedic wasteland. - Surviving on hard time. - Jerky. - An old bob and reroutine. - Jacket straw. - The all American Americans. - Until you found the place you wanted to stay. - You set up the bat-free next to a small stream. - And from there. - Stream. - Get it? - Streaming. - Yes, and from there you'll cast your comedy out to the world. - It was a sight to be seen. - Heard actually. - Heard a sight to be heard. - An audience. - You got it, listen. - All right, all right, yes, I remember it. Not quite that way, but I remember it. So what of it? - It was your Aunt Harriet who gave you the money to start up this podcast. - My she hoped would be returned in huge profits. - Yeah, I remember Aunt Harriet. - Well, it wasn't long before Aunt Harriet called me and Arnie in on a special meeting. - Should something have happened just now? - There's supposed to be a flashback here. - Hold on, hold on to flashback you later and warm up yet. - Well, the pacing and rhythm of this exciting part of the show just got blown to heck. - Hold on, hold on, hold on. Here we go. Shake a left's line again, Brad. - Oh, okay. The pacing and rhythm of this-- - Not that left's line, the left's line before that left's line. You're a penultimate line. - Huh? - It wasn't long before Aunt Harriet called me. - Okay, okay. - Well, it wasn't long before Aunt Harriet called me and Arnie in on a special meeting. - Right, Lawrence? - The harpist died it. - This is terrible. He's had three episodes and hardly any listeners. In fact, the amount of downloads gets worse. For his show, I'm going to end it right now. - Well, Aunt Harriet, can't wait to crush him. - And make us unemployed. - I suppose you have a better idea. - How about we make him think he's doing a podcast, but we never upload it, keeping that expense to zero. - Brad and I could arrange for a small group of people. - For a reasonable fee. - You pretend to listen to the show. - Mostly me and Arnie. - Well, I suppose I don't want to step on my nephew like he was a bothersome bug. Until later, I'll buy my time. - So this will be our little secret. - Between you, Brad and me. - And our paychecks. - Fine, whatever. Now, go away. You're giving me a headache. My bridge club is coming here for a meeting. - Oh, well, yeah. That explains all the steel girders here. - Loo-doo-doo-doo. - So according to this flashback, all of my shows have- - Hello there, Mr. Well, flashback getting over. - You mean there's more? - Okay, hold on. The flashback you later seems to be stuck. - So are we still in the flashback? - Well, we're in any flashback, but I'm not sure what flashback it is. - Well, it sounds like something's coming through. Yes. Oh, hello little girl. What can I do for you? - I ate it. You want to buy some kitty camper cookies? - Finally, $200 a box. - Come inside. - Oh, great. On top of everything, I get a flashback with my wife in it. - Her fans, you're gonna really love this episode. - Oh, stop. - So is the show over? Can I go home now? - No, not until you explain to me the status of my show. - Kinda stinky and too long. - I mean, whether or not it's been getting out and being listened to. - Oh, short answer? - No. He makes about every episode after your number four. It's never been released on the internet. - But I've been recording them. - Oh, yeah, we're well aware of that. - So what happens to them after I recorded them? - Well, you record them? You send them to me and I delete them. - You delete them? - Hey, I've only got so much room on my hard drive. Give me a break. - So nobody has heard any episode after number four? - I don't know too many more before, isn't it? - So ad Harriet gave you money to keep my show from being released. - Yes, I personally was paid handsomely. - Brad, you and I got paid the same. - Yes, but I'm hench-ermer. - Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. What about the people that were on the old forum and the people that visit the Bells in the battery fan group thingy on Facebook? What about them? - Butts. - Butts. - Butts. - Not butts, butts. - Well, don't the bots have butts? - I'm talking about non-existent actual humans that I created to follow Mr. Bell's non-existent podcast. - So all these years that I've been doing this podcast. - Nobody has ever heard it. - Well, think of the bright side to all of this, Mr. Bell. - There's a bright side. - Well, maybe not for you, Mr. Bell, but for the people out there who may have stumbled accidentally upon your show and given it a listen. - And that bright side would be - They never had to give it a listen. - Give it a listen. - Well, Mr. Bell, you've always said that you enjoyed doing the podcast. That is so a way of expressing yourself and you genuinely care how many listeners you had. - Or didn't have. - Well, yeah, but anyone though at Harriet passed away some years ago, she put money to trust to pay for us to keep you off the internet. - So I suppose the big question now would be. - What's for dinner? - Yeah, I'm starving. - No, I have a decision to make. - I'm not tacos, they're always good. - I mean about this show. - What show? - My apparently non-existent podcast. I mean, should I continue to produce it even though no one's listening to it? Or should I just give it up? - Mr. Bell, you should continue because your show comes from your heart. It's an expression of how you feel, how you think. The joy that you want to pass along to other people, even though other people aren't listening to it. Mr. Bell, it's a part of you. You must keep going. 'Cause otherwise, we don't get paid. - He's got a point, damage to Bell. - Will John Bell continue the show even though nobody's listening? Could this be the very last episode of Bell's in the bat-free? Find out next episode. You've been listening to Bell's in the bat-free episode 300. Copyright 2022 by John Bell, creative LLC. Of course, there's no real point in copyrighting is stuff at Wadsworth.