Nightlight to the rescue! Plus, an invitation to visit my lawn!
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The Mutual Audio Network
Bells in the Batfry #332(072124)
[MUSIC PLAYING] This episode is brought to you by Experian. Are you paying for subscriptions you don't use, but can't find the time or energy to cancel them? Experian could cancel unwanted subscriptions for you, saving you an average of $270 per year, and plenty of time. Download the Experian app. Results will vary. Not all subscriptions are eligible. Savings are not guaranteed. Paid membership with connected payment account required. Sunday Showcase, highlighting some of the best audio storytelling found anywhere, all right here on the Mutual Audio Network. The following audio drama is rated G for General Audience. Hello and welcome to Bells and the Battery. I'm your genial host, John Bell. And today we're going to-- You can't be summoned. What, I'm being sued? No, Mr. Bell. Someone needs the help of the superhero nightlights. So we're actually following up on the last episodes. Faster than an LED. I guess we are. More powerful than a scented candle, able to make things less dim with a single glance. Look up in the sky. I can't fly. That's a lightning bug. It's a distant falling star. It's right wide. Brad, anyone who's listened to the last episode knows that my superpower is just a glow that comes out of my right eye. I mean, I can't even work up a laser beam. A superpower is a superpower, Mr. Bell. And you have a responsibility to use this power for good. Yeah, but-- And some profit. I heard that. Mr. Bell, we do have to pay for your spiffy outfit there. I don't like this super suit thing. It's nags where it shouldn't snag if you get my drift. Well, just adjust it while you're flying. I can't fly, Brad. That's not part of my superpower, such as it is. Well, then call it Uber and get over to 17 Sunshine Avenue. You have been summoned to help. Right now, yes. Do I have to? Yes. All right. And since you're a superhero, it should be a super Uber. Yeah, sure. Oh, super duper Uber. All right. Maybe in a super duper Mini Cooper. I'm dialing. Oh, really? Super duper Uber with Mini Cooper. How can I help you? Um, hi. I'm here. You must be the superhero. Yes. Yes, that's me. What's that thing over your belly button? Oh, there's some fuzz there. I guess it-- No, the thing on top of the drier lint. That switch activates my power. Uh-huh. Anyway, I need your help. I'm in trouble. What kind of trouble? I can't find my keys. Your keys. This is my car. Nice car. It needs work. Oh, it doesn't. Anyway, I dropped my keys. Where did you drop them? Well, if I knew that, silly, I wouldn't have called you. Yeah, well, that. It's just so dark out here, and I can't find them. So you need me to make your eyeball glow, like Rudolph the Rainbow. Rain, dear. Are you flirting with me, dear? No, no, really. I mean, it's OK if you are. But I'm-- But no funny business until after you find my keys. Yeah, OK, fine. Let me just turn on my eye light. There. Is it on? Yes. Now I'll look around a bit, and-- Does it look like it's on? It's on. It's on. I'll see if I can find-- The light on my phone is brighter than that. I think it's brighter than you. Now, if you'd rather, use your phone. No. I've already then molded my money. Just find my keys. All right, all right, let me get under the car here. It's this bubblegum wrapper, bubblegum cigar, but hey. What's that over there? 1978 Luke Skywalker action figure still in the packaging. I can't cry. Reach it. Oh, oh, oh, look, look. Are these your keys? Yes. Those are my keys. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. You're welcome, is there anything else I can do? Are you still flirting with me? Do I get a discount if we go on a date? No, I'm not flirting, so no discount. Then no, there's nothing else. Good, then I'll just say, which direction are you headed? Downtown. Could you give me a lift home? You are flirting with me. Never mind. My mother warned me. What? You superheroes are all the same. But I'm not really-- You have to get yourself home, Mr. Superhero. Fly. Fly. I don't fly. You ain't riding either, Mr. You have to have fully functioning lasers to ride this ride, buddy. Words to live by. Brad, I'm back. Yes, Mr. Bally heard the little transition music thing there. Look, I've either got to give up being this nightlight guy, or Arnie's got to come up with some way to make me fly. Well, Mr. Bally, you've got to try a little harder. Harder? Yeah, this last customer only gave you two stars. I found her keys. Well, she said you had a bad attitude. What? This is right here, Mr. Bally. You did not go on a date with her. I am not required to date my clients. Um, actually you are, Mr. Bally. What? Have you read the contract I worked up for you? I don't remember any contract. You should, Mr. Bally. You signed it. I signed it. There's your signature. That's not my signature. Well, it's close enough. No, it's not. It's hard, Mr. Bally. It's notarized. I don't see where it's notarized. Oh, hold on a second. It's notarized. You just notarized it. See, I even have a witness all perfectly legal. No, it's-- Your balance, your balance, your balance, your balance. What is it, Arnie? I have a query. Put some salve on it. It'll go away. Ask away. Isn't that a city in Canada? What? Ask away. I hear there's good fishing there. I don't think-- Well, yeah, I took my sister fishing here one time. Dead, you know. Yeah, she was too sure about her fishing abilities. What'd you do? I said, come on. This cuts your one. What was that? I believe that in the part of this classic comedy, that is called a rim shot. Where did it come from? It was generated by my balloon kiss you later. Arnie, you have an invention that automatically does rim shots when it hears something funny. That is correct. The moon you'll miss your bell. Wow, that could kind of spice up the whole show here. Did you just invent that today? No, it's been around for a while. Oh, like what? A week or two? A couple of months. How long, Arnie? 19 years. You've had a badoom kiss you later, working for 19 years. And this is the first time we've heard it. The badoom kiss you later is programmed to activate when it proceeds very specific inputs. What kind of input? When it hears something funny. Oh, well, that explains it. OK, so a fish joke is the biggest laugh we've ever had. I'll cut it to the badoom kiss you later. Yeah. Arnie, what is it you wanted to ask me? I want to know why you have fake collage on your lawn. OK, I wasn't expecting that. What do you mean, I have fake cowlets? I was driving by your house one day. Was it in the merry, merry month of me? No, it was in July when something caught my eye. So tell us what it was. OK. Cowless, grazing, dang totally. But when I looked closer, I could see. They were fake with air inflated. That's when I became concentrated. On this lawn, they did a dawn. Hey, who's that blowing now on that horn? Don't change the subject, Brad, because I was really mad. Shall I hurry here to express my scorn? My wife and I, on holidays, put up decorations upon which to gaze it was so much fun that soon we found we could keep it going all year round. More and more folks slowed to look and posted pictures on Facebook. So we thought it only right to create a new website. So that's the project we undertook. Let me get this straight. You have lawn decorations. Yes. On your lawn? Yes. Every day? Yes. And a lot of them involve what look like inflated cowlets. Yeah, well, one Christmas we saw these cows and we really thought they were cute. So we bought a few and they're on the lawn a lot. Except when it's raining. All the times I've told you to get a life, Mr. Bell, this is not what I expected. And you said something about a website, Mr. Bell? Well, so many people were slowing down and stopping in front of the house to, like, look and take pictures that we thought it would be a good idea to start a website where people could see the pictures and don't have to slow down and stop thereby possibly causing accidents. But I could have defended you in those lawsuits, Mr. Bell. Yes, that's one of the reasons we started the website. This website you have alluded to. Are you going to give you our L? Who's this Earl character? You are L. No, I are Brad. Uniform resource locator. We have to start wearing uniforms. Show me where it says that in our employee handbook. The website is alabastermoo.com. Alabaster? Yes. Like in the song, America had a beautiful. The word alabaster is in America and the Beautiful. Yes, it is, Brad. So other words, I'll see on enameled and the phrase till souls waxed fair. I don't think alabaster is in there. It is, it is, it's not proven. It goes like this. [MUSIC PLAYING] Son of a gun. Pretty good Lee Greenwood invitation there, aren't he? Thanks. But I was trying for Elvis. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, why is that? But doom-case-ulator thing only fire off when you make a joke, Arnie. It knows quality comedy when it hears it. Could we get back to what we were originally talking about, please? Lee Greenwood. How's she on? alabastermoo.com. And alabaster is spelled like the alabaster in the song. Well, I gotta admit, Mr. Mal, it's a rather unusual thing you're doing. How much you're making on it. We do it for fun. We're not making any money at all. That's a really stupid thing you're doing, Mr. Bell. Have I taught you nothing? Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Mr. Bell, you know you have a certain opportunity here. Opportunity? Yeah, people visit this alabastermoo.com thing. You are informed as to how many people actually visit, right? Yeah, it's like a little chart showing how many hits the website gets. Well, you know how you're always grouching about how you have no idea how many people listen to your podcast, Ernie, I don't grouse. Oh, yeah, she's doing it, Mr. Bell. Come on, I don't grouse. You do grouse, dear. I don't grouse. And what are you doing here? I think it's sweet that your wife came all the way over here just to tell you that you're grouse. How could she know we'd be talking about-- I think about what if you ask everybody who's listening to log on to alabastermoo.com on a particular day? Oh, I get it. Then I know how many people listen to and enjoy the show. If you're asking for people who listen to and enjoy the show, you're going to get a lot fewer hits. Thank you for your support, Brad. Your wife and I are always here to support you, Mr. Bell. All right, all right. At the end of this episode, I'll give a date for everybody to log on to alabastermoo.com just to see how many people actually do it. And now, it's shameless plug time. Every year, the Sonic Society presents this summer stock playhouse where all are encouraged to produce excellent recreations of classic radio dramas of the past. This year, I decided to do something a little different. You produced a lousy recreation. Yes, no. I decided to write my own 1950s style sci-fi adventure. You are too lazy to look up an old script. No, well, yes. OK, my contribution can be found at mutualaudionetwork.com. Click on Listen Now and look for Sonic Summer stock playhouse 15.2 Seeker. The release date is 71424. It stars myself, of course, quiet you, as well as Jack Ward and David Alt. Here is a short sampling as our hero played by me. Of course, is preparing to undock from the main spaceship. Are you ready for a Seeker release? Just need to activate SI-52, standby. SI-52, this is Allen-374L9, do you read? Affirmative. Welcome aboard, Allen. Do you wish to give me a name for easier communication? Yeah, yeah, let's call you Isaac. I assume you are naming me after the famed author, Isaac Asimov. Actually, I was naming you after my dog. I cannot tell you how humble I am to receive that moniker. My dog was named after Isaac Asimov. So I am a famous author once removed. Good way to look at it. Are you functioning well, Isaac? I have run a complete scan of my systems and I am at peak performance levels. Unless, of course, your scanner is malfunctioning. I insist that I am working perfectly in all respects, Alex. I'm Allen. If you insist. Never understand why you SI's were designed to be so snarky. We ask the same of humans. Does this voice meet with your approval, or do you wish to change it? No, the voice you're using is very nice. I could switch over to this voice if you prefer love. No, thank you. That's far too distracting. Are you two ready to go yet? Are you gonna start picking out curtains? [MUSIC PLAYING] Mr. Bell? Yes, Arnie. You said to this, are you and David Alton Jack Ward? Yes. But I could have sworn I had won more voice in there. Unless one of you guys is very good at entertaining a lady's voice. That is what we call a cameo appearance. That was Sarah Golding, a very talented actress who volunteered to do that one line for me. And how was that line recorded? We had a session on Zoom. I directed her as she gave the lines. In fact, I think I have the raw recording of that. Yes, here it is. Let's listen. Hello, Alabama. How goes it? Just super hot, like it is every summer. I hope you're well, Mr. Bell. I'm just swell, can't you tell? I don't mean to rhyme. Yeah, your time is limited. Good time. Dang it, why didn't I think of that? Thank you for thinking of me for this glorious fun. I don't call it glorious until you hear the results. Anyway, I'll give you a reading. Great. Let's do this. Female voice of a sexy nature. I could switch. Is that a cat? Oh, my tummy's in there. That's not good. Yeah, tell your tummy to settle down for just a minute here. So take one, go. I could switch over to this voice if you prefer, love. OK, that was great. Give me one more for safety. I could switch over to this voice if you prefer love. Well, OK, that's kind of nice too. Give me one more for my private collection. I could switch over to this voice if you prefer, darling. OK, starting to get a little warm in here. Give me one more that I'll use as my ringtone. I could switch over to this voice if you prefer. OK. Yes. Love. Mmm. If you prefer. No. Love. Alrighty. Thank you. I hope you've got what you want there, Pat. And then some. Happy recording. All the manic, beautiful, fun things you do. And yeah, I hope it was well in your world, you wonderful, love-sharing, gorgeous fella fun. Almost about my ears were burning. Was somebody talking about me? No, Brad. Go away, Brad. Shit, what a crunch. OK, Sarah. Say goodbye in your best Alabama voice. Alright. You take care of me. Bye. Bye, Alabama. You have been listening to Bells in the battery, Episode 332. Copyright. Mr. Bell, Mr. Bell, don't forget about the Alabaster Moo thing. Oh, oh, right, right, OK, how about if you go to alabastermoo.com, even if it's just for a second or two, Thursday, August 1st, 2024. And one of people are listening to this past the game. Well, the answer to that is pretty obvious. It certainly is. They'll have to use my go-back in time, you later. Yes, of course. Naturally, you can visit any time before or after that date, but to be registered as an actual listener of the show, go there on Thursday, August 1st, 2024. And if you get a chance to get there around noon central time, that would be extra cool. You'll be sitting there all day watching for the numbers, won't you? No. Well, maybe for a little while. Like 24 hours straight, Copyright 2024 by John Bell Creative, LLC. Now, who could that be? The show's over. Ooh, maybe we've become a talk show. I'll get it. Oh, you're on the air with Brad Modworths. Who's calling? This is the police. Brad Modworth has moved Abu Dhabi, sorry about that. I'm looking for the night light. Doesn't it come on automatically when you turn off the lights? I made the superhero night light. I'm a superhero named Night Light. What a ridiculous... Where does John Bell use the night light? He is. I am. Oh, yes, of course. He is. I will lunch you speak to the night light at the usual rate. Just hurry. Hey, Mr. Bell. Stoll as much as you can. It's $5 a minute. Uh, hello. This is, uh, Night Light. Night Light. You are urgently needed. I am sending some police cars over to pick you up right now. Okay, uh, wait. How do you know where I am? The TV has have your address. Brad, didn't we have the secret identity discussion? You're on their way. You'd be ready to go. Oh, my gosh. Your real emergency. Uh, where's my costume? Where's my costume? If you're wearing your costume, make your bow. If the comp's on us, I'm not here. I'm ready for the elevator. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Your real police emergency. And you don't know me. I will be here. Okay, guys. Wish me luck. Come on, make your bow. You're just flying over. I don't fly. You done fly? I'm working on it. So... You think this is going to be a three-part episode? I hope not. Maybe get a two-part episode with stretching it. Well, now that the show was over, you want to go grab a bite to eat? I don't know. I'm a little strapped for cash right now. It's Mr. Bell's treat. It is? Yes, he left me the bat-free credit card on his desk. On his desk? In his desk. Where in his desk? In the drawer. Where's drawer? The locked one. Did he give you a key? Look, you want a free meal or not? Let's go. There's a good place about two blocks down. Just take a ride at the stoplight. How come it's so dark along here? Must be a power failure. Yeah, I don't see the stoplight, but I do see a blinking red light up there. Wonder how they got a light up there with the power failure? Mr. Bell! Can you guys get me down from here? Keep winking nightlight. Keep winking! I'm winking! I'm winking! I'm winking! (upbeat music) [BLANK_AUDIO]