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Teknikal Diffikulties #123- Sh*t Outta Luck(071924)
[MUSIC PLAYING] This episode is brought to you by Experian. Are you paying for subscriptions you don't use, but can't find the time or energy to cancel them? Experian could cancel unwanted subscriptions for you, saving you an average of $270 per year, and plenty of time. Download the Experian app. Results will vary. Not all subscriptions are eligible. Savings are not guaranteed. Paid membership with connected payment account required. This is the mutual audio network. Shut up and listen. The following audio drama is rated R and is recommended restricted for anyone under the age of 17. Mr. Walker, I presume? Yes, stretch me. You must be Mr. Caspian. I am. And I can't say I can compliment you on this rather odious meeting place you've chosen. Don't tell me you're afraid of heights, Mr. Caspian. Don't be absurd. Of course, I'm not afraid of heights. Just old buildings. I'm convinced some cartoon character like a mouse is going to run out of a window in her, like terracotta flower pot, but the daisy sticking out of it or an anvil out is going to hit me on the head. I've had that problem since I was a child. Much too many cartoons as a youth, did we? No. Oh. Well, I didn't even have a TV growing up, only a radio. Mr. Caspian, I believe we have an exchange to get on with. Indeed we do, Mr. Walker. You'll notice, I have your microfilm right here. Good, dear. Now, what about my package? Oh, it's all right, I suppose. If I were into men, I might be impressed. Good, I have a hot date later. I don't want it to go sour. Now, about my money. Money. That's all it's ever been about to you, isn't it, Mr. Caspian? Well, I have your blood money right here. I was going to use that to buy toys. Then I have your toy money right here. Oh, goodie. Now, how do we make the exchange? Well, you'll notice I have placed boxes on either end of the roof. If you walk over to one, I walk over to the other. You put in the money I put in the microfilm, then we walk to either side and claim what's ours, and no one gets hurt. I mean, unless the lid snaps down on our fingers or something. What kind of fool do you take me for, Caspian? What's that supposed to mean? Clearly, the box you've chosen for me is obviously booby trapped. Ah, I see. Still got those trust issues, do you? Oh, don't be snide, I'm serious. No, no, no, no, I understand. Go ahead, Mr. Control-Freak can pick the box he wants, and he can put his money into that one fine. That'd be fine with me. Alright, I will. Alright, if I have a choice between the box with the teddy bears or the flowers on it, I'll put my money in the box with the teddy bears. I knew it, I knew it, I knew that is exactly what you would do. What? You know as well as I do that I like teddy bears more than anything in the world that make me happy, I pick that box out, especially for me. Oh, for the love of God. But no, you had to have your little trust issues, didn't you? All my box might be booby trapped. Oh, then you deliberately took the box that made me happy. Away from me, you did that deliberately, you always do that. Why do you always have to be this way? Just a simple illegal exchange on a rooftop. And every time we get together to do this, it just turns into this psychodrama. Fine, I don't want your money there. There it is, the command performance. Fine, you know what, you keep your microfilm, that's good. I can find any number of other blackmailers out there I can buy from them from, alright? Maybe I'll go back to Mr. Rowland. Oh, you would, wouldn't you? We're just waiting for an excuse to that. Ever since we got together and I started blackmailing you and we were exchanging information. All I got was, oh, Mr. Rowland didn't do this, Mr. Rowland. Well, you go crawling back to Mr. Rowland. You always like this, it just drives me insane. Were you guys done up here, you know, other people have to use this rooftop to do shady dealings once in a while too, you know? Yes, I think we're done here, don't you? Yes, yes, we most certainly will see you around. Yeah, you just keep dreaming. More like a nightmare. Sorry about that. That's quite alright, they have a history, you know. Oh really? Yes, I could tell you stories about this. Oh, but we have a business, don't we? Oh, yeah, right. Okay, alright, I've got your money right here. Yes, sleazy bastard, have you got my merchandise or what? Well, Mr. Kamuroy, I believe I have what you're seeking right here in this suitcase. Are you ready to make the exchange? Hold it, I don't trust you even for a second. Let's open that suitcase and see what you've got in there. Alright then. What do you think of this? It's the real deal. See, I told you so. (upbeat music) Hey everybody, welcome back to Technical Difficulties. I'm your host, Kai and Chris Conroy for this episode here. This is for Friday, July 13th, 2007. I hope you really are going to enjoy the show and I got all kinds of comedy lined up for you and we're gonna have a whiz bang of a production here on this Friday, the 13th, oh, yeah, Friday the 13th. How about that, huh? What's kinda cool anyway, I've never really had a problem with the whole Friday the 13th thing. It's actually been more or less a good day for me and generally speaking, the weather are here in Minnesota is just fine. So let's kick back and enjoy Technical Difficulties and I'll be back in the backside of the cup. (screaming) Did somebody knock something over? There appeared to have been a loud crash anyways, coming from the, what the heck are you doing down that hole? What am I doing down here? I fell through the floor. Oh, the lengths you won't go to for a laugh. Oh, shut up, it wasn't for a joke. I think we have termites. No, you know what it is, it's the Friday the 13th thing. That's what's going on here. Oh, don't be silly, Fylo. I don't believe in bad luck, he said, setting himself up for several ironic slapstick jokes later in the program. Hello, everyone. Oh, hello, Mr. Chairman, what's that you've got there? Why, this is a card full of surgical instruments, bowling balls, and scalding hot coffee that I just thought I'd push right across the floor here, never once looking down to notice if there might be a hole in the floor there, whoops. Wait, no, no, no, no, oh, oh, well, do you believe in bad luck now? No, no, I don't. And even if there was such a thing as bad luck, it wouldn't affect me because just this morning I went out to the store and I bought myself this Lucky Rabbit's foot. Hello? Yes, yes, hmm, he'll be interested to know that and make sure to tell him. What was that? The Centers for Disease Control, they wanted me to tell you that all the Lucky Rabbit's feet sold in the local area have been infected with bubonic plague. Duh! Super station A, well, I open the future. You'll take these things a bit more, so I'll screw this. This is lame even for us, I'm out of here. Hate to say it, but he does have a point. Hey, I've no thinner concepts than this. Help me out of this hole, will ya? All right, I will, but first, these messages. Are you having problems in the bedroom with male performance? Nope, not a problem for me. Suffering from erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation? More not even hardly. Or embarrassed by the natural lack of stamina that comes along with middle age. Just a locomotive, that's what they call me. We understand. We're the Institute of St. Stiffy's and we're here for you. Join in on the love train. Our staff has over 50 years of experience researching erectile dysfunction. He said staff. And we believe that with patient skill and a little love, we can help men get more out of life. If by more you mean getting laid. Hey, I am trying to do a serious commercial here, okay? Do you mind? There's people with real problems, okay? This affects a lot of people mentally and it adds to the pressure of the world in general. Okay, can you give me a little more sensitive? Well, I'm sorry, okay? I happened to think a bunch of limpy boys are funny. Well, I'm glad you think that way, okay? All right, but some people have problems that you don't, okay? Not everybody can be Priypus, huh? Priypus, what? Priypus was a minor Greek fertility god with a constantly erect penis. Oh, I thought you meant that electric car. The new Toyota Priypus, it's a hard, fast machine with a kind of high friction super torque performance you'll wanna ride all night. With a super sleek cockpit and leather wrap controls, it'll engorge your passion for the open road. With a cruising on slippery streets or a deep inside those dark tunnels, its performance never lets up and never lets you down. So get in there and turn it on and get it on and get on it and ride it and do it over and over again until you drop Priypus. It's the hardest car you'll ever drive. Well, there's our commercial. What do you think, phallic enough? Who are we aiming this car at? Straight men, gay men, women? I couldn't really tell. It was like one long homoerotic fever dream. Don't be absurd, Karen will be engendered neutral. We're aiming this car at anybody who just happens to like penises, that's all. So that's what this all boils down to then, just directions. Don't get all high, horsey, Karen. Look at our competition. The Dodge Lingam is selling like hotcakes. When I don't care, I've had it up to here with you and all of your masculine iconography. I'm going to go off and start my own car company. A car company that will sell cars for women. They'll be cars with sex appeal, but also nurturing and intuitive. Oh, good luck with that, Karen. We've had this conversation before, my dear. We all know cars are boys and ships are girls. What are airplanes then? Airplanes are gay. - Are you sure about that? - Oh, absolutely. - Why gay? - It's the flying thing. They're like, you know, fairies or something. I always thought of them as a more mythological creature like a Pegasus or a Zephyr or something. I don't know about that. (screaming) Ow, ow, damn termite. You're awfully fond of that joke, aren't you? Well, anything I do to interrupt the proceedings. Now it's time for something a little bit different. Good, I'm out of here before I get played. Oh, repetitive link syndrome. ♪ Leonard's big adventure ♪ Oh, you guys sound so sad. What's wrong today? Oh, we're just not feeling it, Leonard? Yeah, it feels like the magic has gone away. Sometimes it just doesn't come de-easily. Mm, I know just how you feel. Really? Mm-hmm, it just doesn't seem worth it some days. Well, what do you do when things get stuck? Well, I remember the most important part of the job. But the show must go on, huh? No, do pay check at the end of the week. And I'm paying you guys, so go ahead and hit it. Hey, right, we are getting paid to do this. That makes me feel better already. Okay. ♪ Leonard's big adventure ♪ It's all in the motivation, folks. Last time on Leonard's big adventure. Leonard, you never really told us. Why are you doing all of this to save Pastor Erma? Yes, what's that charlatan ever done for you? If Pastor Erma hadn't been there for me, I wouldn't be here with you today. I owe him everything. I owe him my life as I know it. I'm not afraid to tell the story, and here it is, the one and only true secret origin of me, Leonard. Ooh. Okay, Timpenny's over, you can start. Oh, okay, doggy, it all began 15 years ago, shortly before the collapse of the Soviet Union. Yes, we were still in the icy grip of the Cold War. Behind the iron curtain. Boy, those bring back nostalgic memories, don't they, you know? Nurels of men standing next to tractors in Soviet wheat fields. Hammer and sickles on soldiers with big fuzzy hats. Here of nuclear annihilation and Yakov smeared off. Ah, memories. Anyway, I was 11 at the time, and I was being trained by my government, who was under Soviet rule, I have to be a concert pianist, and in between the piano lessons, a shady organization under black ops was training me to be a one-man killing machine. Leonard, you mean you've been trained to be an assassin? Yeah, it's true. Interesting, Mr. Vissells. Next, how far did your training get? Um, piano lessons. You're assured this will make me a ruthless killing machine? Don't worry, once you learn to do proper arpeggio, we move you up to learn how to use in gun. Okie dokie, if you say so. I like that, the wax on, the wax on. You're the worst Mr. Miyagi ever. Shush. And all my training went right through my childhood. In fact, I got certified as an engine, the forces of the West learn to fear me. Hey, Sarge. It's awfully quiet out tonight, isn't it? Yeah, too quiet if you ask me. Hey, Sarge is the truth. They say about the Ruskies having a super assess. I don't know, kid. All I do know is what they tell me. If you hear a piano, you're already dead. Ooh, that's scary, Sarge. Sarge, Sarge, it's a piano. Oh no, that means we're already dead. Really? This is a crappy afterlife. Hold it, hold it. Are you telling me that you snuck on the US military bases while carrying a piano? I don't buy that even for a second. Really? What about that Yamaha baby grand? I snuck in and stuck right behind you. What are you talking about? I don't... They're convinced? Continue. Well, all was going according to the Soviet plan, but then one day it happened. My mentor, Dr. Katchkov, came in to see me. Oh, there you are, Professor. Hey, listen to this. I was going to use it to scare some NATO troops. Leonard, Leonard, stop playing. Stop. Stop. What, you don't like the 70s sound? Leonard, I have terrible news. The program is over. We've been cut off. What? No, you haven't had me have to do anything but play piano. I was supposed to learn that to garrot people and be a killing machine. All I've learned is to think alive. Look, Leonard, we don't have time for this. We must get away from here. You don't understand. Why are you upset? I'm the one who should be pissed. Leonard, the Soviet Union is collapsing. No one simply walks away from the secret operations of the Soviet Union. You don't understand. They can't afford to have witnesses to what we've done here. You have to get away. Leonard, get down. Professor? Leonard, I'm sorry. You should have been a happy child. Instead, we took you and we made you. We made you into this. I'm so sorry. I forgive you, Professor. Leonard, take these tickets. Go to Europe. Get away from here and don't look back. Remember, they'll be after you. And whatever happens, don't let the bitterness of this experience turn you into a masked supervillain and start terrorizing the world. Well, I make no promises about that part. Oh, well, I tried. Professor, I'm going. And if it takes me the rest of my life, I'll make every last one of them pay. They'll see. So, Dr. Katchkoff, it seems your protégé has escaped cleanly. As he-- oh, good. Help me up, won't you? Certainly. Here we are. Thank goodness that whole hockey-doggy business that he was starting to get up my nose. Wouldn't it just have been easier to just ask him to go home or something? Oh, you youngens and you're no fangled ways. So I headed off to Europe to start a new life and to plan my revenge. My revenge against the men and against the whole world who had taken the one man who was like a father to me. Now, hold on. Wait a second, I'm confused. In the flashback, the Professor Guide actually got up and was alive. Yes, like a father to me. They had killed him, and I vowed my revenge. And soon, from the depths of my despair, was birthed forth a monster, a monster that needed a name, a name that would strike fear into the entire world. And soon was born my new life as the night emperor. But that's for next week. Oh, peas, it was just getting to the good part. Oh, right's up. Ow, ow, damn carpenter ants. Sure, the jokes are cheap, folks. But that's how we roll around here. I'll see you next week. [MUSIC PLAYING] Thank you so much for listening to technical difficulties. I have been your host, Kyle, and Chris Conroy, a writer, producer, and performer of all of the above stuff that you just heard. If you'd like to drop me a line, please feel free to do so over at techdiff, T-E-K-D-I-F-F, at gmail.com. Or you can go over to techdiff.com itself. And you can leave a comment on my message board, and please feel free to do that. Boy, my number is really down, folks. There's going to be some changes around here, I'm afraid. I've been looking for an excuse to try something new. I've got some loose ends to tie up show-wise here. But you may see some narrative changes to technical difficulties in the future. Don't worry, nothing catastrophic, in fact, of anything I think the show will be better. But I'm running into some writing blocks in terms of doing the show the way I've been doing it up till now. And I think you're going to see some changes. But as I said, I'm not going to abandon comedy. I'm not going to get all serious and Woody Allen on you or anything. But I think you'll see a changes to the way I approach this show, and hopefully you'll like it. Or maybe I'll just take a little break from the way I'm doing things. I'm getting some writer's block. I hope you don't mind. I enjoyed what I've written, and I think it's good. I'm not trying to excuse my show here. I think I've been doing a pretty good job with the writing. That's my opinion. Anyway, I'm certainly enjoying coming up with the ideas. But I'm getting some-- I think it's time for some changes. And as I've said before, my numbers are about half what they were this time last year. I've been steadily losing listeners for whatever reason. So now might be a good time to consider changing things up. So we'll see. But that won't be for a few weeks down the road. So you'll see in the future. Anyway, uncomfortable dash questions is my.com is my wife, Susan's interview podcast. And please go over there and enjoy that. That's always good. And channelsurfingwhipeout.com for a video podcast. If you haven't seen it, although it's kind of on hiatus for the time being, things just aren't working out in that front and the video thing. But you may see some stuff posted there sooner or later, just not necessarily as channel surfing wipeout. Anyway, that's all I've got to say for my show at the moment. Thanks so much for listening once again. Drop me mentions at the-- if you want to PayPal, donate over at cayenne@tcinternet.net or techtiff@gmail.com. Are both useful for doing that or just head over. You can hit the PayPal button over at techtiff.com. And cayennecresconroy.com, which is sporadically updated. Although I'm doing a major site overhaul to that very, very soon, which is what I say every week. And I never do it. What are you going to do? All right, well, thanks once again for listening, folks. And I'll be back next week with a parcel of new stuff. And take care till then, bye. So do you have children? Or are you just a child at heart? In which case, Saturday Story Circle might be a good place to kickstart your weekend. Because we have the very best of family-friendly audio, which is all rated G for great. Join us on the main mutual audio network feed. Or you can find us at the Saturday Story Circle, wherever you get your podcasts. 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