[MUSIC PLAYING] This episode is brought to you by Experian. Are you paying for subscriptions you don't use, but can't find the time or energy to cancel them? Experian could cancel unwanted subscriptions for you, saving you an average of $270 per year, and plenty of time. Download the Experian app. Results will vary. Not all subscriptions are eligible. Savings are not guaranteed. Paid membership with connected payment account required. Welcome to Monday, Matt and A on the Mutual Audio Network hosted by Pete Lutz. The following audio drama is rated PG-13, suggesting that all children under the age of 13 should listen accompanied with an adult. [PHONE RINGING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [PHONE RINGING] Hi, Jen, can you see me? Just move your webcam a little bit. Is that right? Marvelous. Sorry I've called too early. It was 9 o'clock we agreed, right? It's just that Jeff isn't here, so it's a good time. No, no, that's fine. Yeah, yes, I can see you OK. You've had your hair done? Yeah, I thought, bugger it. I need some TLC. Oh, I could do without. The school have put me on this new PSAG course, SRE it's called. You know what that is. No, let me guess. Oh, I'm good at this. I know. Stupid, ruddy education. No, no, right. Stop rotating eggs. I know, sadies and really excites. What are you on? Neat vodka. No, Quoncho and ice, actually. SRE is sex and relationship education. Oh, bloody hell. Yeah. I can now roll a condom on a cucumber blindfold, much to the hilarity of the year sevens. You should have seen me the first time. Bloody thing popped off and zoom around the room like a deflate in balloon. Zzzz, isn't the emoji for a cock and aubergine? I can never get that. I've never had one that remotely resembled an aubergine in shape, smell, or taste. Well, with my dating look, all I get for my efforts on tinder is an old shriveled asparagus tip. Useful for dipping in your hummus or terrace or malata. Yes, thank you, nagella. And, yeah, getting away from penises and vegetables. Oh, it's been really tense here. Like, treading on eggshells. You mean, Archie? Sorry, Alison. Yeah. I've been talking to other parents in an online group forum, but I just wonder if she's doing this, you know, to escape what was in self. She never fitted in at school. It's a pretty drastic step. She's 19. She's not going to transition on her whim. She is getting counseling and medical support. Medical support. I'm the one who needs valium. Yeah. Yes, she is, and it seems to be going all OK. It's just that I miss my son, my boy. It's still there. But now he's a she. Oh, fuck, that sounds crass, doesn't it? Sorry. What I meant is, she is still your lovely cute Archie. It's just that Archie has, well, changed. Maybe try and think of it like a butterfly thing. A beautiful butterfly emerging from a pube. Oh, please no pube and stuff. We've just been watching Vanessa Foltz, eating a witchy ticker up on Amazon, celebrating getting me out of here. Oh, got a file. Oh, I saw that. Oh, my God, it was disgusting. I'm voting for Dawn French here. Who knew she could swim that far underwater to get those stars? Yes. I need to watch something ridiculous and banal to take my mind off things. I'm just worried that Alison's going to have a tough time when she goes to uni. Hey, Jen, you know I teach at uni. There are so many trans support groups. Alison will be well supported. I hope so. I really do. Anyhow, on to you. What's going on with your left eye? What do you mean? Oh, cut the crap, Natalie. I can see the bruise. Yeah. It's done it again. Oh, for God's sake, leave. How many times have I said you can come down here to Brighton? You can't continue like this. It's abuse, serious abuse. It just cannot continue. I told you last year when this happened and you ended up in A&E with a fractured cheekbone. Oh, please, please leave. I never liked him from the moment I met him. Always push it down. All those little microaggressions and so, so arrogant. Putting you down in front of others, coercive control, it's cold. I never thought he'd get violent with you, though. We've really got to talk about you're like a-- Don't start. I'd be on the psychiatrist couch for years. You know there are organisations out there all can help. Refused, women's age. I know, I know. It's just making that first step. I keep thinking it'll get better. And that it's me at fault and not doing it. That is exactly what you meant to think. It's ground you right down. You know, it's strange. There you are. Doctor Natalie Brown, head of Modern Literature. Academically, a brain box. But in real life, oh-oh. Yeah, yeah, I know. You're the only person I can talk to about this. I haven't told anyone. You have to tell someone. I will, I will. Hey, I'm a battered celebrity, get me out of here. Oh, stop deflecting and trying to make light of it. This isn't a joke at all, do you? I am leaving. You are? I am leaving him. I've got it all sorted. I needed time to put everything in place. I've been to a solicitor, got all the papers sorted. Next Sunday, I'm leaving. Going to my cousin in Wales in Swansea. You remember from from a 60th? She's got that huge house, four bedrooms. You know, all the kids have grown up. They're at uni or overseas. So I can stay with her till I find my feet. Oh, now I'm so pleased. At last, you know, I have friends in my drama and musical theatre group. Merry couples. Been together for years. I'll look at them. And I can see the women who have been put down, controlled by the husbands, partners, all the lives. They just fall into a habit, put up with each other. I don't think they ever talk honestly to each other about the desires, the regrets, their ambitions. I don't think they even love each other anymore. They just merely exist with each other. They become like life companions only without the life. I don't know, maybe I'm not making a story. No, no, I get that. It's one thing to hear it, you know, read about it, see it. But when it's your own life, you know, it's funny. As a single person, I think you see other people's relationships more clearly. You see, all the affairs going on, the guys who are afraid to come out. There's this one guy in our musical theater group, Collin. It does all the costumes. It's his campers Christmas. It makes Alan Collin look like Vin Diesel. Anyway, he's married to this butch woman who goes on women's only bareback horse riding holidays in Spain. Well, they're crappy, they're found two weeks ago. When it came out, he'd been having an affair with the son of the chair lady of the group. Talk about Lucas, he's 48 and the son's 22. It was a right scandal gossip, riving the new wave of a musical theater group. Oh, cranking, that's a tad awkward. They're sad. Well, now I've no costumes for the next show and I do not fancy doing Oklahoma in the both. You never know, people might flock to the theater. No, they'd want the money back and they might be blinded for life. And Collin's wife. Flippy neck. She does the warm-ups. Before we start our musical theater evenings, I think the guest starboard went through a less rigorous training regime. Your theater group would be right material for the player or a blooming sitcom. Well, this more gossip we found out that Collin's wife had been indulging in naked twister parties on a women's only holidays in Spain. Pictures all over Facebook and Instagram. Oh, I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere about an uppassing orbit. Crackie, talk about the crap it in the fan. You see, I see all these people at my groups and you never really know what's going on behind closed doors. Same for you, really. I'm sure many of your mates in Sheffield have no idea what you've been going through. Yeah, very few. So, you're bound for Swansea, the Gower Peninsula. Oh, it's gorgeous down there. Oh, you'll be feasting on lava, bread and butter, breathe. Oh yeah, I've already applied for some lecturing jobs down there and I've got interviews lined up. Get me, Mrs organised. Jeff knows nothing about this. No, God. The first you'll know is when he comes back from his rugby week next Sunday and sees the solicitor's letter. I've asked for mine to stuff the bloody letter in his boxers and angum from the front door. You do him the right thing. I know, but it's so hard. You know, leaving. Marriage number two, kaboom. I've never been on my own. I'm not sure who I am on my own. Not having kids else, I guess, as his only me, but I'm scared about what's around the corner. Look, you'll be fine. Fran loves you like a younger sister. Take time to adjust. Love yourself. Have fun. And then, just think of this as the next chapter in the Book of Natalei. But please don't repeat the pattern. Get some counselling. Or it'll just happen again, you know, with the next guy you meet. Oh, I'm done with guys. I'm going to take a pill to turn my lesbian. (laughing) What like Colleen's wife? I don't think that's how it works. Oh, I don't know. You know, I do get a tingly feeling what you know Tima Boosa on Strickly Comes Dancing. Fair enough. The cauldron in me is after the Keeter. I think it's all that floppy blonde air. Seriously, though. Promise me. You will see me. Yes, I promise. I'll stay off men for a while. Hey, I'll send you in Ann Summer's gift card. They have amazing substitute. I have to scrape myself off the wall every time I use the secrets for it. Oh, no, no, seriously. He's opened up a whole new wealth for me. Man, do you eat as tarnish springwatch a little on TV. Oh, God, you are a tonic. Gin and? Well, I think I am turning a corner in my life. And you've helped enormously. Oh, don't talk to me about turning a corner. I rounded a corner of our chickens. You're just a day after collecting eggs. And Allison, I don't sparkly fishnets in a miniskirt. Fishnets, red. Miniskirt, a vile lime green. I said, look out. I am abundantly aware that you're becoming an old person, but your fashion choices are seriously scrolled. Let your old ma give you some advice. Oh, yeah, that does sound a bit clashing. Those colours. They were, but no. My advice was ignored. Said she wanted to make a statement to college for the fashion shoot for the new college brochure. Lordy. Hey, I remember when we dressed up for that photo shoot for our college brochure back in the '80s. [LAUGHS] Yeah, you was joy-bored and miss Fannie Lennox. What a fright we looked. Oh, we were in a sense. No, we weren't. You lost your virginity to Scott Michaels in the back of the venture scout van. And I lost mine to Vince Jones when we did that pantomime in the sixth form. He even kept his dreams costume on when we did it in the school library. Or I swear, all I can remember to this day is my phase pressed against the literature section. Come to die right as an Edwardian leader. Don't you mean the lady diary of an Edwardian? Stop! Oh, I was so jealous of you. Oh, I adored Vince Jones. And now you are wanted, Scott Michaels. Oh, what happened? Both gay. Vince was on RuPaul's drag ratio case season five, you know. Mollie Ming. No, was that him? Yeah, he even had the temerity to send me an invite via Facebook to watch the showing person. I shut him up. I said, remember Lady Diary of an Edwardian? Stop, stop, last stop! [LAUGHS] Well, Scott's in Lanzarote with his husband, Doug. They've got this pet pampering parlor making a fortune. How did we not see the signs back then? Evan only knows. Vince's pixie boots, leg warmers, and blonde die lights. No cues at all. You know, sometimes I think, take me back. Take me back to that time when I was younger, new so little. I just don't want to be the me I am now. I'll stop that. You're leaving. You've made the decision. We're all constantly evolving people. Just because you reach a certain edge, it's not a done deal. If we don't evolve, change, grow, or away. Stagnant, like those people in my drama group, or existing, living a lie. Look, once you've left, and once you've started counseling, you'll understand the behavior patterns you get into. OK, I get it. I need to confront my fears and talk to someone. I did it. Years ago, when I left Stephen to cartoon Jack with me, I did a load of talking, and got help. CBT, you know what that is. Oh, let me guess I'm good at this. Really? You were pants with SRE. CBT. CBT. Control, bump, bumping. Oh, I know. Cheerful brads, titillates. No, no, no, no, no. Chafing bulbous thighs. God help us. Cognitive, behavioral, therapy. It's amazing. Really help me. You know, there's no quick fix. Take the time and focus on you. Is there anything I can do? You know, you welcome down here. Just be there, if I need you. You know I am. Well, I'll get back to the packing now, not long. Good luck, and call me when you've left. We'll do, and let me know how it's going with Alison. Definitely. Bye, funny Lennox. Bye, Joe Bodge. You've been listening to Natalie and Jen. It was written by Alistair Adams. It featured the voices of Janney Sampson as Jen and Gail Hazelby as Natalie. If you've enjoyed this production, then you can discover more work written by Alistair via our website, conicopia-radio.co.uk, alongside other productions by hundreds of different writers and performers. Thank you very much for listening. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] (gentle music)
