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The Mutual Audio Network
Bells in the Batfry #296(071224)
What's so funny, why Friday follies, of course, right here on the Mutual Audio Network. The following audio drama is rated G for General Audience. This episode originally released August 25th, 2022. Hello, and welcome to Bells and the Badfrey. I'm your genial host, John Bell, and I hereby present this special presentation of Bells and the Badfrey, How I Spent My Summer Vacation. We had decided that our RV needed an oil change before we departed on our two-day trip. We had made an appointment at a local shop, so we pulled up bright and early at 7 a.m. They took the RV through the huge doors and proceeded to lift it into the air, which considering its 37-foot length and enormous bulk was quite an impressive sight. After the oil change had finished, the man who did the work called me over and said, "So what you doing?" "Oh, hi! I'm doing a podcast on our summer vacation." "Are you still doing that?" "What, the podcast?" "Yeah, is it making any money or people listening to it? What good is it?" "You know, a lot of people ask me that, but I still enjoy doing it, so yeah, I'm doing a podcast on all the stuff that happened to us on our summer vacation." "Oh, that's good. But you know, it sounds like you're doing a seventh grade essay." "I just want to get the facts across in an accurate way, you know? How else should I do that?" "Well, theatre of the mind, like you usually did." "Oh, you mean like to make a dramatization of that?" "Yeah, yeah, that's a good word." "Okay, well let's start. You play you like..." "No, no, no, no. Don't want any part of it." "You don't want to be part of it?" "No, no. Not me. Do it your usual way." "My usual way." "Yeah." "You mean like with Brad and Arnie?" "Sure, why not?" "I can think of a lot of reasons." "I'm out of here." "Honey?" "Yeah, good luck with it." "What? Wait a minute." "Yep, yep. Bye!" "Okay, a dramatic recreation of a summer vacation with my wife. Without my wife." "Hi, Mr. Bell." "Arnie." "You're true." "And Brad. What are you doing?" "Your wife says here." "Of course she did." "What happened? You do the recreation of your rather eventful shrimp, Mr. Bell?" "Alright." "Well, we're a little concerned about what?" "About the details to destroy Mr. Bell." "Are you saying that I might exaggerate?" "Oh, no!" "Well, I'm saying you're going to lie your pantry off." "No, no, everything I'm going to say in this story is true." "With no exaggeration?" "With no exaggeration." With very little exaggeration. "With no exaggeration." "With no exaggeration." "Alright, alright, here's what I'll do when I'm telling you a fact that actually happened on the trip with slight exaggeration. You'll hear this. And if I'm making it up completely, lying." "Using creative license." "Lying." "You'll hear this." "Can we get this over with Mr. Bell? I have a lot of things to do." "Oh, like your law practice." "No matter how much he practices, he won't get it right." "I have a very busy schedule." "Yeah, Netflix didn't got to watch itself, you know." "Darned, Tooten." "Alright, alright, let me see where I left off." "That's right, we're getting the oil change and the guy who worked on the RV called me over." "Excuse me, Mr. Over." "No, he didn't call me over. What's our vector, Victor?" "Just skip to the part where he gives me the bad news." "I hate to tell you this mission are over, but Netflix is raising its range again." "I mean about the tires." "Oh yeah, we couldn't help but notice while the RV was up on the rack that your front two tires are shot." "Oh, they're in bad shape?" "Yeah, especially since they've been shot." "You mean--" "And then there's a couple of nails in them over there, a railroad spike, and isn't that a chainsaw sticking out of one of them?" "Are you saying we need new front tires before we get on the highway?" "I'm saying you need new tires before you try to get across our parking lot." "Okay, well, do you have tires?" "Of course I've got tires." "Good. I think I drive to work on my rims." "I mean, I need to buy a tire." "Well, I can see that. You dress terribly." "No, not a tire. I need a tire. I need two tires." "Well, of course we have tires. We have all sorts of tires. We have every kind of tire you could need here. Just take a look at your tire and see what kind it is. It's a 255/80R 22.5. Ha ha ha! We don't have that tire." "Why don't you have that tire?" "That is a very rare tire." "That size tire is only made by the Michelin company. And they only make about 10 of them a year." "You may have a little trouble finding that tire." "Well, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get in the RV and start calling tire places along my route and I'm going to find me a place to get those tires." "Big Bob's tire company if you need it. We got it." "I need a Michelin 255/80R 22.5." "We ain't got it." "Oh, you're joking, right?" "Ah, shit, we're losing 19 or 12." "No, but we got this Michelin 255/80R 21.6 and a half." "Will that fit on the RV?" "No." "No." "Mr. Bowe, while you were making calls, I got on the Internet and I found two places that have the tires that you need." "Really? Where are they?" "One is in Kazakhstan." "Not helping." "And the other is in a warehouse, two states away, and they say they can load it up in a truck and get it to you this afternoon." "Really?" "You heard the bell." "So, what am I looking at in cost here?" "Well, the tires themselves are going to cost you for two tires?" "Oh, no, that's eight, so it'll actually cost you." "What is this tire made of uranium or something?" "And then of course, there's a cost of bringing them here." "Yipe!" "You're driving an Uber across two states, ain't cheap." "And you're going to chip the driver." "Bringing it to a grand total, huh?" Buying these two tires just doubled the value of my RV. "Wait until you're filled with gas and that'll triple it." "Well, dear, after getting the oil changed and having our tires arrive and having them placed on the RV, we are finally on the road." "Aren't you going to answer them already?" "What? I'm not even twice." "Well, actually, both of you are playing the part of my wife." "What? That's bigger me." "It's big of you?" "It's pretty big of all of us." "Okay, okay, for the sake of the podcast, we'll say that the three of us are having a guy's trip." "Okay, that works." "Here we are, just three guys." "Riding down the highway." "Lookin' to pick up chicks." "What?" "No!" "We don't need any poultry brags." "Oh, foul." "Gee, look at the time. It's about 3.20 in the afternoon as we ride along the highway here." "You said that sort of ama next week." "Yeah, 'cause I know what's about to happen." "We're gonna meet some chicks." "No, but I think we're about to run into somebody." "Hey, what's going on? Everything's suddenly going in slow motion." "This is what seems to happen when you experience something like this." "What was that?" "The car directly in front of us had a blowout." "It's tires shredded." "It's losing control." "It bumped into the trailer that truck up ahead of us." "No, it's swerving to the light and it's hitting the dark wind." "It's bouncing backwards and spinning in the road." "We're headed right forward." "See, Mr. Valley really clobbered that car." "Yeah, sure did." "You, um, gonna go ahead and check on him there, Mr. Mouse?" "I was thinking maybe you guys would do that." "Oh no, in this recreation, we don't exist." "We're just placeholders for your wife." "Okay, I'll go out and make sure that he's all right and is smashed up." "Car." "Please be okay, please be okay, please be okay, please be okay, please be okay." "Um, are you okay?" "I don't have a scratch on me." "Oh, that's it, can you tell me exactly what happened?" "Oh, that's it, can you tell me exactly what happened, please?" "I can do better than that, Officer, I can show you the webcam footage." "I do have a webcam in your RV, huh?" "Yes, I do." "Now, watch carefully, this is where the tire blows out." "Is that the sound it made?" "No, it wasn't." "Excuse me, Mr. Bell, but I took the liberty of sweetening the video just a bit." "You sweetened it?" "Well, yeah, you gotta make it better, standing if you wanna get a bunch of likes." "Arnie, it's not my intention." "Could we keep watching this, please?" "Yeah, sure, okay, and this is where he kinda bumps into the tractor trailer there." "Look at all the cartoon birdies flying around there." "Arnie? I like this." "And this is where it swerves over and runs into the guardrail." "And it bounces back onto the highway, going backwards." "And as you can see, it spun in front of me and I had no choice but to run into him." "That's not done yet." "Is that it?" "Almost." "Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, that's all, folks." "Now it's done." "Thank you, that was very helpful." "Arnie, you have not posted this online, have you?" "No, I haven't, Mr. Bell." "Good." "Because they banned me." "Why did they ban?" "I'd rather not talk about that." "So you didn't post it?" "That is correct." "So it's not posted?" "I didn't see that." "Look, we got over 200 likes." "Sorry, if your RV is drivable, you can go now." "Thank you, I haven't actually looked at it yet." "Come on guys, let's look at the front here and see if this thing is still drivable." "Well, the passenger side of the whole front is just kind of crushed in there, Mr. Bell." "I can't bear to look." "Are the tires okay?" "I'll take a peek for you, Mr. Bell." "The channel." "Oh my." "What?" "These tires are flat." "No!" "Flat ready to keep going, Mr. Bell." "What?" "He's right. Look, the fiberglass part is all scrunched in and the headlight is toast, but it's drivable, Mr. Bell, it didn't hurt the frame at all." "What a miracle." "All right, guys, let's keep going." "There ain't one small problem, Mr. Bell." "What?" "This part of the front is kind of scrunched in and I think it's pushing against the tire, which means it'll rub against it if we start moving forward." "What should we do?" "Easy peasy, Mr. Bell. We just grabbed the part that's all scrunched in and kind of pulled it out until it's no longer pushing against the--" "Uh-oh." "What was that?" "It would appear that the engine's battery came loose and was leaning against the fiberglass body part, and when we pulled it back the battery fell out." "Can we put the battery back in?" "Well, I would normally say maybe, Mr. Bell, but when the battery fell three feet, the two and a half foot cable kind of broke, so now we can't even start the RV." "That would be an accurate representation of our current situation, Mr. Bell." "Then we're going to need a tow truck." "With a vehicle this size, you need more than a tow truck. You need a whole foot truck." "Don't forget, Mr. Bell, we have Good Sam Roadside Assistant." "Do you have our membership card, handy?" "I sure tend to leave you." "Then give him a call and have him bring us a tow truck." "Hello! Good Sam Roadside Assistant, how may I help you?" "Wow, I was expecting you to go through one of those phone treatings, you know, press one for it, press two for that." "In real life we did, Arnie, but I'm trying to compress the time for the convenience of the listeners." "Oh, well that was nice." "It certainly was, how could I help you?" "We've had an action and we need a tow." "Well, keep your shoes on, we need some information first, please give me your nimba number." "Okay, it's right here in the card, 555-55-55-55-55." "Was that 555-55-55-55-55?" "No, that was 555-55-55-55-55-55-55." "Thank you for the clarification, let me check, there is no such number." "Well, there should be, I've got the card in my hand, I'm looking at it right now." "Maybe you got one of the numbers wrong." "Are you suggesting I gave you the 5's in the wrong order?" "It's possible." "No, I don't think it is." "What is the name on the card, we'll go with that?" "Okay, it's John Bell." "No such name." "Well, maybe it's not your wife's name, try G Bell." "That's probably it, that's not it, her name isn't in here either, you must not be a member." "Remember, remember, I got the card in my hand, it doesn't expire until next year, remember it." "Let's try your telephone number." "Okay, here we go, 555-55-55-55-55-55-2." "Not 555-55-55?" "I thought I'd give you a break on this one." "Alrighty, let's check that and that telephone number is not in our database." "It's about like you'd be having a bit of a problem here, you might want to check with your other insurance company, do you see if they can help us?" "Okay, Arnie, I'll call our regular insurance company, you keep trying with those guys, okay?" "Okay, I'll be over here to leave you in the mail." "Alright, let me call my insurance company." "Dude, do, do, do, do." You have reached the "Dude, do, do, do" insurance emergency hotline. If this is an emergency, hang up and call 911. "You just said this was the emergency hotline." "Otherwise, please answer the following questions so we can best serve you." "Alrighty?" "Have you been in an accident?" "Well yeah, that's what this hotline is for, I mean after all." "Please speak distinctly." "Yes." "Is anybody injured?" "No." "In what town or city did this accident take place?" "Uh, it happened on the highway." "In what town or city did this accident take place?" "We're not in a town or city, there's this highway and trees." "Please say the name of the town or city you are in so we can locate you." "Look, I'm sorry I didn't plan ahead to have my accident in a city or a town, instead of on a highway, which is where I mostly am when I'm in the RV. Can I talk to a human, please?" "Oh, no, you are not talking to a meat person until you answer my questions." "But I can't answer your-" "What town or city are you currently in?" "Human, human, please let me talk to a human." "In what state or province would I find the town or city called human?" "No, it's not a town or city, can I speak to a non-computer please?" "Fine, have it your way, I will connect you with a life form." "Thank you." "Please hold." "Alright." "The current wait time is 3 hours, 18 minutes." "What?" "How are you gonna make sure, Bell?" "I'm unperpetual hold." "Well things are getting pretty exciting with me, make sure Bell, the person I was talking to has gone for help, they've gone to get super bonjour." "Arnie, that's not a superhero, that's just another person." "If this person can help us, they're a superhero, I'm my book." "Okay, point taken." "Hello, hello, my supervisor is here." "Did you ask them for their member number?" "Yes, I did." "Did you ask them for their number?" "Yes, I did." "Did you ask them for their California?" "Yes, I did." "Did you ask them for their address?" "Yes, oh, no, no I didn't, won't you address please?" "Mr. Bell, I need your address." "Okay, well I always liked four score and seven years ago, our forefather's brought-" "I need your home address, that's not your home address." "Unless you live in Gettysburg." "Oh, it's 555." "555." "5th Avenue." "5th Avenue." "5 points." "5 points." "Somewhere USA." "Somewhere USA." "And a ship code." "And a ship code?" "Oh, together now." "5555. "5555." "Oh, here they are, John and Jean Bell, members number 555-555-5555-5555." "California number 555-555-5555-5552." "You found us!" "Well, I would have found you earlier if you'd given us the correct information." "All right, Arnie, I'll see that 25 cents and raise your dime." "So, how long do they say it would take to get the totesuck here?" "About three hours." "Here's the dime, and I call." "I know you call, Arnie, I appreciate it." "I'm calling in the game, Mr. Bell." "Huh! Read 'em and weep!" "Bread, I don't cheat it." "And how long has it been?" "I think it's been cheating all along." "I have not been cheating, let's keep playing." "All right, but I want to open a new deck of cards." "Oh, um, well, what's calling it like we've been playing for three hours?" "That's what I wanted to know, thanks." "There's a bell, I think the totesuck is here." "Leave me the driver would like to play." "I'm going outside to meet him." "Oh, aren't you the social butterfly?" "I think I see marks on these cards." "Well, of course you do, they're the limited edition Groucho Harpon Chico cards." "Oh, hello, glad to see ya." "Oh boy, someone declared a number on a front of this RV." "Sure did." "It looks to me like you should be able to drive this thing." "Well, yeah, except the battery fell out." "Oh, look at that, yeah, there's that battery." "And I see that the little platform it sat on has gotten all bent up there." "Yeah, that's why the battery won't sit on it." "Plus, the fact the cable is broken." "I bet we could strap this battery up to this part of the frame here." "Oh, my." "There you go." "Well, that's really cool, except the cable is all-" "And I bet we could wrap the part of the broken cable around the terminal like this." "Well, look at that." "Yeah, I think you could drive this thing now." "Well, gee, that would be a-" "There's a big truck stop in the next exit." "Why don't I follow you there and make sure you get there okay." "Oh, well, you do that?" "Oh, yeah, that's where I was gonna tow you anyway." "And I get paid with I tow you or not." "Well, then, let's go." "And so it came to pass." "That John Bell and his lovely wife-" "We're not his wife." "We're traveling companions." "John Bell and his lovely traveling companions-" "That's better." "No, it's not." "We made it to the truck stop and spent a restful night there." "Right and early the next morning." "I'd like to get that battery connection double checked just to be sure, but this place isn't open yet. We need to find someplace on the way to stop." "Well, there's a whole series of travel centers along the way to have mechanics, Mr. Bell." "Oh, what's the name of these places?" "They're called infatuated." "Oh, you sure it's not loves?" "Only if you want a lawsuit on your hands." "Somebody say lawsuit!" "Go back to sleep, Brad." "Oh, it was a lovely dream." "Tell you what, I'll crank the sucker up, get on the road, and you and Brad can find a lot-" "Infatuated." "Infatuated's along the way where we can stop." "Oh, he's okay, Mr. Bell." "Okay, Brad, up in Adam." "Oh, come on, you're waking me up twirly." "I'm waking you up, what?" "Twirly." "What are you spreading in there or something?" "Come on, rise and shine." "It's twirly to be shiny." "Did you hit your head on the doorframe or something?" "Just tell me what you want me to do." "I'm checking them out to see where the next infatuated is, and I need you to call them when I find them." "There they are!" "Alright, I see the number, um, why am I calling them?" "Mr. Bell wants to make sure we're good for the trip." "Oh, so I should ask them if they have fresh cinnabons, right?" "No, no, well, yes, but also, if there's somebody there who can check our battery, make sure it's secure." "Alright, alright, calling now." "Thank you for calling." "Infatuated's. Travel stops. Home of clean places and friendly faces. Please listen carefully as the following options have recently changed." "Uh oh, got a pencil?" "Wait a second, I may have a pen in my pocket." "In your pocket protector, you mean?" "I know, you're complaining that I have one." "Oh, I don't want to just give it here." "Yeah, that's my favorite pen, so protect it." "Or press pound to hear these options again." "Well, now you've done it, we miss the options." "Press the hashtag to him again." "Press the what?" "Nobody with the hashtag." "Be who or what now?" "With the pound sign." "What sign should I pound?" "And how hard?" *sighs* "Poise that shit cacto thing." "Oh, okay, hope I win." "Press one for emergency roadside assistance." "Press two for all other calls." "Or press pound to hear these options again." "Alright, let's play it again, and this time I'll take notes." "What?" "Press one for emergency roadside assistance." "The emergency emergency-" "Press two for all-" "Whoa, slow down there, lady." "Or press pound to hear these options again." "Not sure I got that." "I got it." "Yeah, let's make sure." "Press one for emergency roadside assistance." "We've already had roadside assistance, so we don't need number one." "Press pound to hear these options again." "Oh, okay." "Press one for emergency." "Why are you playing it again?" "Well, she said they recently changed. Maybe they changed again." "Just press two, Brad." "What is two?" "It's everything that wasn't covered in one." "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure." "Let's be absolutely sure." "No!" "Press one for emergency roadside assistance." "Did you hear that?" "Don't press one." "Don't what?" "Press one, press one." "Okay, pressing one." "No! Press pound, press pound." "What?" "Since I told, since I told." "Alright!" "Press one for emergency roadside assistance." "Touch that button out. Break your finger." "Press two for all other calls." "Well, press pound to hear these options again." "Shouldn't we hear them again?" "You can't hear them again, Brad, because your phone is broken." "My phone's not broken." "My phone is broken." "Well, we made it to a left." "In factuated." "An infatuated." "And they did check the battery, and it was fine." "And the rest of our trip, all the way to the beach, was uneventful." "You left out the part where you arrived really late, and it was really dark, and you couldn't find the RV park in the dark." "Well, that was because they didn't have a very big, bright sign." "No, it's because you and the RV both only had one headlight." "Remember, we know about your eye problems." "Well, yeah, but..." "I mean, you've milked them for like half a dozen episodes." "Alright, so we got a little loss." "Kind of loss." Hopelessly lost, but our visit on the beach was very nice. Two weeks of relaxation. Then on the last night, as we were looking at the stars, I said to my wife, "Why don't we drive the Jeep down to the beach, and have one last romantic walk?" "Ah, that'd be sweet." So we hopped in the Jeep, I put the key at the ignition, and... "Well, that's just perfect." "You've been listening to Bells in the Battery, episode 196. Copyright 2022 by John Bell Creative, LLC." [BLANK_AUDIO]