I'm back from break. And so's Bucky Johansen! Things kick ass, we speak english, and cowboys, and more!
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The Mutual Audio Network
Teknikal Diffikulties #121- 6/29/07(070524)
What's so funny? Why Friday Follies, of course, right here on the Mutual Audio Network. The following audio drama is rated R and is recommended restricted for anyone under the age of 17. Now it's time for words to live by with your host, Bucky Johansson. How y'all doing? My name is Bucky Johansson. It's a pleasure to be back on the program. A lot of you haven't heard from me in a while. Well, over a year, I believe, was back then that I used to have a program called words to live by with Bucky Johansson, which I would impart some of the lessons in life that I've learned and some of the pearls of wisdom passed down from my father to the next generation. I have been off the air for a while though because I ran into a little bit of difficulty. You see, I'd come into some sort of erroneous conclusion a while back that the listening audience, that would be you people out there hearing my voice, were, "Well, we're a figment of my imagination," and then I was talking to no one in particular. Consequently, this led to a certain amount of consternation, depression, paranoia, and dissociative behavior on my part. I checked myself into a local mental institution and spent 11 months of intensive therapy in that facility under the care and management of the doctors and nurses there, and finally did learn that, in fact, my audience was very, very real. Unfortunately, I also learned that the staff and management of this facility were a figment of my imagination. I spent 11 months in an abandoned house in the middle of a field, go figure. Anyway, on the plus side, I lost that weight I've been trying to get rid of. And of course, I'm back on your program. It reminds me of something my dear departed daddy used to tell me when I was young and here in the wilds of Montana used to say, "Bucky, reality is a slippery mistress." We'd be driving through the back woods of our local community behind one of the delivery trucks waiting for things to fall off. Produce, stereo equipment, migrant workers, didn't matter what it was, my dad would just run it over for fun. After an afternoon of this, we get back into town right on the main drag and we pull up to a traffic light, and my dad would say, "Bucky, is that light up there? It's red." You say it's red, and I say it's red. We agreed that color's red, but what you see is red, I could see it's blue, and what I see is red, you could see it's green. We agree. That shade, that color up there, it's red. That's how reality works, son. It's just a big illusion we all agree upon, and at that point, he'd stomp on the accelerator and drive right through that red light, screaming, "It's all a sham. It's all a sham. Lord help us. It's all a sham," causing several accidents along the way. It was shortly after this, it became convinced reality was merely a show put on for his benefit and would occasionally wheel suddenly to try and catch reality not existing beyond the perception of his senses. Evidently, it worked, too, because after a particularly impressive quick turn one afternoon, he fell to the floor, blubbering and gibbering, something about having seen the face of the void. And it was that very night that my dad initiated the entire family into the worship of what he called an avatar of the Outer God, Yogg's a Thoth, but was in fact the neighbor's Pembroke Welsh corgi named Mr. Muffins. Now this taught me two incredibly valuable lessons in life. First, the creator of the universe is fond of squeaky toys. Secondly, it also taught me to be self-sufficient, always remember to think for yourself to do things for yourself, to learn for yourself. Don't be roped into other people's ideas and let them just run roughshod over you. It is something my daddy used to tell me all the time. He would say, "Bucky, give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day." But use black magic to turn him into some kind of insane man fish hybrid? He'll go on a killing rampage. And that's just what we did. So until next time, remember, I'm Bucky Joe Hanson. I'm armed and I'll shoot if I have to. This has been Words to Live By with your host, Bucky Joe Hanson. Oh yeah, all hail and praise Mr. Muffins. That's better. [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC PLAYING] Hello, everybody. My name is Kai and Chris Conroy and you are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by. This is TechDiff@techdiff.com for June 29th, 2007. Welcome back to the program. I'm refreshed after my little break that I took for my birthday. And if you heard last week's show, it was just a little sort of a little bit of filler there so I'm audio that people sent in and they seem to be appreciative that I've posted their stuff. Which is cool. And I enjoyed that much. I had a good, had a nice birthday. Well, I'll tell you all about that later. Let's just get on with a damn show. How about that? I'll talk to you at the back end of it. Bye. This week's episode of Technical Difficulties is proudly brought to you by the Quad Centennial Birthday of Jamestown, West Virginia. Jamestown, celebrating 400 years of white people in America. Oh boy. What's the matter, little Jimmy Jim, Jim McJim? I'm really bored, Uncle Rasputin. Bored, you say? How about we take a little trip over to the museum and learn some American history? Ah, history's dull like a bowling ball. Dull? History's not dull, it's exciting. Listen here, young man. Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was president during the Civil War? That he saved the Union? That he freed the slaves? Sure. Everybody knows that. Yeah. But did you know he did it while single-handed lay fighting off an entire battalion of evil Shaolin monks? What? Is that true? True. Who cares? You can find out that much more at the Museum of Ass Kicking. The Museum of Ass Kicking. What everything kids have. Did you know that Abraham Lincoln had mad kung fu skills? That the dinosaurs were wiped out by an alien invasion, but not before they fought back with their F-16s. That's the American Revolution was fought with giant robots. That Alexander the Great had an army of ninja zombies. The Sermon on the Mount was the first rock opera. Sir Edmund Hillary killed a Balrog at the summit of Mount Everest. Is any of this true? Who cares? It kicks ass. The Museum of Kickass is a $50 million facility with multi-media interactive exhibits, animatronic dioramas, and live re-enactments of history's greatest kick-ass moments. So what do you think of history now, Jimmy? Wow. Trocosaurus was at the Battle of Trafalgar that kicks ass. Indeed it does. That's the Museum of Kickingass. We do the Creation Museum of Kentucky one better. 'Cause if you're going to fill a museum full of bullshit, you may as well make it exciting. That's the Museum of Kickass. Let's opening this up. The following conversation will be in English. Come in. Hello. I am here for my doctor's appointment. Hello. These are my thighs. Do you have a pad of paper on which to write my poetry? I can see the Senator's genitalia through the telescope. Would you care for a muffin? It is filled with live giraffes. Please practice caution. My sores appear to be infectious. Thank you. I shall attempt to contain the hazardous leak. This will go on your permanent record. Lesson two. The following conversation will be in English. Good afternoon. I would like to rent real estate inside your mouth. Thank you. That's good. You could stop it now. I think I've heard it now. Did you like the production value on it? Yes. Much better than the demos you played for me. Much clearer. Good. Thank you. My question though is this. The plan as you put it to me was we would mass produce these CDs and give them to legal immigrants to the United States of America upon arrival. Yes, that's right. And their purpose would be? Mass confusion. I see. Now tell me again why is it that this is an idea whose time has come to maturity and fruition? Well, I look at it this way. It occurred to me that non-English speaking immigrants to the United States of America are probably smarter than I am. Yes. And that gives me cold, slippery willies. I see. I mean, think about it. I couldn't move to a foreign nation, learn a new language and improve my economic standing in this world by working hard. I can't be bothered. Besides, it's my opinion that if when I arrive somewhere else they're not speaking English when I get there, they're not trying hard enough. So this would be your way of leveling the playing field then? Yes. With a bulldozer. It's just like those public service spots I came up with when I realized I didn't know diddly squat about computers. Did you know that when you're at work, your children are downloading tranny porn and selling their souls to the devil on the internet? It's true. Not yet. They're lying. One of the proudest moments of my life. You're a douche-todd. That's what I'm paid for. Meanwhile, in a nearby sketch. Oh, hey, partial. What's the problem? You look pretty concerned. Bad news, Deputy. It looks like the Andrations Ranch got raided and they made off with 30 head of steel. Oh. That means they stole some cows, Deputy. Oh, okay. Got it. That's bad though, isn't it? You're darn tuning its bad, Deputy. We're going to have to step up the patrols around here, otherwise those rustlers are going to come back and steal some more cows. Marshall! Marshall! What is an excitable young boy who likes to look up to me? Marshall, I just got news from the noon stage, Coach. Turns out this isn't the old West after all. Really? Bad news, Marshall. What are we going to do? Well, it looks like I'm going to need a change of clothes and a latte. Oh, Marshall, honey, don't lose the clothes. Trust me. Oh, all right for you, I won't, Deputy. An excerpt there from a new postmodern western now playing an independent cinema's all across the nation called Who Doesn't Love a Cowboy Then? With me is the film's writer, producer, and director, Mr. Shane Loosner. Hi, ho. Welcome to the program. So, give us a quick rundown, Mr. Loosner, what exactly your film is all about? Well, my film is a postmodern allegorical deconstruction of masculine iconography of the American western cinematic experience, viewed through the paradigm of hetero versus homosexual symbolism and cultural stereotypes. I see. So, basically, it's hunky gay cowboys having sex passed off as an art film? No! All right, yes. But still, there is a serious side to the film. I do consider it to be a meditation on masculine iconography and it does have a sort of a fish out of water story. Really? Yes, in fact, in Act 3, the hero suffocates because he can't get enough oxygen through his gills. Thank you. I'm here all week. Don't try the veal meat as murder. Get the hell off my show. Dear technical difficulties, as a pastor from the rural southwest, I have to complain in the strongest possible terms about your continuing depiction of homosexual cowboys. Why can't we have homosexual vikings for once? I mean, what about my fetish? Hmmm? And now, technical difficulties proudly presents Björn of the Vikings! It sure is windy up here on the bow of the ship, then it's neat Björn. That it is, Ola! That it is! Tell me, do these wings on my helmet make me look silly? No, not at all. They make you look very manly. Oh, Ola! Come and kiss me your big hunk of burning Norse mythology. An excerpt there from the new postmodern deconstructionist adventure film Ahoy Viking with me as the director Shane Looster. Hey, wait a second. How do we get back to this bit? Don't ask me, honey. They just put me in the chair and told me to act it out. My bets are all pay for play. Meanwhile, in the kingdom of the blind... Sire! Sire! What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? No idiot, I'm over here. I just... Oh wait, what? I'm over here. Oh my voice. Where have you been all this time? I was trying to find my way back here to tell you, Sire. I'm blind, you know. Well, how did the battle go? Bali, we never saw them coming. Oh, where's the enemy now? Sire! I bring all the enemies at the fr... No! No! No! The enemy is at the fr... I know that. Sorry, Sire. The enemy is at the front gate. They're at the front gate. No! Don't shout, I'm blind, that dev. Go out the city guard. Go out the city guard. Go out the city guard. Oh! All right. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. Oh, this was the worst idea I ever had. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. So, I'm a man. I'm a man. So, you know, the story must absolutely be true then. I mean, after all, the fact that Robert Johnson actually was a fairly talented guitar player to begin with and then spent many, many months of his life studying under a blues master by the name of Ike Zinnerman from Alabama and improved drastically over the course of just a few months is just crazy talk. I mean, nobody studies how to play an instrument with someone better than them and then gets better themselves, do they? I mean, that's just nuts. So, naturally, of course, it must be a big bugaboo supernatural story about the devil and how he sold his soul. You know, the same night I discovered this information, my wife confronted me about a bad habit I have and that is we have cans of whipped cream that we like to put in tea and coffee and when the cream runs out, I like to suck the nitrous oxide gas out of the can because it gives you a short buzz. She said that that was potentially dangerous and it was stupid to do. I wasn't sure, so I decided to go on the internet and check to see if there was any danger associated with huffing nitrous oxide. What I discovered was that there are actual health risks associated with this practice and I should probably not do it and certainly be more careful about it. One of the things that concerned me the most was references to people dying of asphyxiation while doing what's called "whippets" here or, you know, inhaling nitrous oxide. Now this really freaked me out because I'd been doing this for a really long time and didn't know you could simply just inhale it and then drop dead asphyxiation. But then I discovered that the reason why people were dying in such a fashion was that the way they would inhale the nitrous oxide was by sealing a plastic bag around their neck with tape and then filling the bag with nitrous oxide, inhaling it and passing out and suffocating. On a slightly related note, there are several automotive products that use nitrous oxide as a propellant. In an attempt to protect people and keep them from inhaling this propellant and getting high off of it, they put in a sulfur dioxide which can kill you because the best way to protect people's health and keep them from getting high off your product is by killing them. So I bet you're asking what's your point in all of this? Well, my point is people are really stupid and I think we're doomed, but I try to put the most positive spin on everything because that's the kind of guy I am. So I'm telling you my audience to stop being stupid and then turn around and maybe try and figure out a way to exploit the stupid people for money. All right, well, anyway, next thing in my bag here is a, oh my God, it's a dead raccoon. Sorry, I got a little preachy at the end there. Anyway, you've been listening to technical difficulties I've been your host, Kaia and Chris Conroy, for this last couple of days here in June. Oh God. Oh, summer just got underway, which is a good thing. My birthday is on the first day of summer. I had a really nice time for my birthday, by the way. Thank you for people out there who mentioned Happy Birthday to me. I really do appreciate that. You care. Anyway, I had a nice birthday. I think I mentioned that in the last week's show. That last show that I did was a bit of a blur when I posted the other people's audio, which was a fun thing to do, but anyway, I had a nice birthday, had a nice little time off let some of the creative ideas perk back into position there. Some people out there weren't happy with the last couple of shows I did, or at least the show I did before I went on vacation, but what are you going to do, whatever. Hopefully, I'm going to start improving again. Plus, I've been a little scattershot. I'm trying to get this voice acting career off the ground, and I'm writing on this show called Drinking With The End, which you can see over at drinkingwiththeingut.com. Unfortunately, because the show doesn't go up on the web until after it's taken out of its cycle on local television. You probably won't see the episode I'm in for a while, and you probably won't even recognize me because I'll be buried under about, you know, about six pounds of latex because I was playing a monster in the part, but I'll point the episode out to you when it comes out. Anyway, I won't bend your ear off. I had a great time. Thanks so much, and we'll just move on from here next week, more material. I'm going to do the new Leonard's Big Adventure next week, and I kind of work out a schedule for the whole, for all the different serials. I also want to think of doing a little science fiction-y serial, perhaps I don't know. We'll see what's coming up soon. Hold tons of new surprises coming up, and I'll let you know when anything exciting is coming down the pike. Anyway, if you want to drop me a gmail, techdiff@gmail.com. Techdiff@tcinternet.net is also a place where I can be contacted, techdiff.com. Go ahead and leave a comment over there. I like it when people leave comments, you know, just leave a comment of some kind, any kind. There's spam in my damn comment board, so leave some comments I can actually read for once that have nothing to do with Cialis. Oh boy, we had a little discussion about Channel Surfing Wipeout, and I'm not sure when we're going to get around to doing another one. It's just that myself and Susan and David have kind of burned out on the video show, and it's not to say we'll never do anything about it again. In fact, I just got James Bell, who's one of my fans, sent a nice letter saying how much he liked Channel Surfing Wipeout, and he couldn't wait for another one. I'm afraid you're going to have to. We've just been racking our brains for new material, and it has failed. So until further notice, it looks like Channel Surfing Wipeout may be on hiatus. That doesn't mean you shouldn't check that feed once in a while, or just leave it in your subscription feed if you do have it, because we may be posting some video there just for fun. Turn into something else, we may change the name of the feed and use it for some other purpose. Who knows? But anyway, for the time being, Channel Surfing Wipeout is on hold, and I'll let you know as anything changes. Anyway, won't bend your roof anymore. I'm already over my time here, and I'll be back again next week with more stuff. Again, techdiffitgmail.com, and please say hello, or whatever, and like that. Anyway, talk to you later, bye! If you want a huge selection of audio drama, some of the newest ones out there as they come out, then do find Sunday Showcase on the Mutual Audio Network, which is the new home of the Sonic Society, the world's longest running largest showcase of modern audio drama. You can find us on the Sunday Showcase feed, or if you want to hear all of the days worth of audio, then you can find it on the main Mutual Audio Network feed. Wherever you get your podcasts... The Mutual Audio Drama Network, where we listen and imagine, together. Together. (chime)