The Batfry pitches a new NCIS show by studying the NCIS formula!
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The Mutual Audio Network
Bells in the Batfry #295(070524)
It's time for Friday Follies, right here on the Mutual Audio Network. The following audio drama is rated G for General Audience. This episode originally released June 6th, 2022. Hello and welcome to Bells in the Battery. I'm John Bell, your genial host, and today we have a very special guest. We have someone from the government who has definite video and audio proof that UFOs actually exist. Yes, Danny, it's true. We're going to delve into... Mr. Bell, excuse me, this is important! Brad, now wait a minute, you can't just... These interviews only hit the little point, Dexter. How'd you know my name? Brad, you can't chase my guests out like that. Well, how would you like me to chase them? I can get a broom or something, if you like. I mean, you shouldn't chase them out at all. Mr. Bell, when you hear what I have to say, you will thank me. Or throttle you. Always the kitter, okay, brace yourself, here comes the news. The Squirrel TV Network is starting a streaming service called Squirrel Blunts. And the big news? Um, that was actually the big news, except the... You chased them up my guest for that! Hey, have you heard the big news? Oh, I hear you've heard the big news. Why, is that such big news that you'd interrupt my show? No, no, no, let me tell you the rest of it. Arnie, are you part of this? Yeah, no, it makes you a bell, not at all. I haven't even heard about this, I don't know what's going on. You Benedict Arnold Ziffle you! What's the rest of the news? I have talked Squirrel Blunts into letting us pitch a pilot for a new TV show. Isn't that really good news, Mr. Bell? You're about to throttle me again, aren't you? Oh my God! Wait a minute, wait a minute, Mr. Bell, wait a minute, you gotta stop! The Herman's are here! The... the who, what? The Herman's! The members of the My Name is Herman Club! Hi, we're Herman's! Why is this horde of Herman's here? They have volunteered to be actors in our pilot's here! Alright, hired! Darned! And what is this pilot all about? To ensure a successful TV show, I have worked up an algorithm! You've worked up what? An algorithm! Come again there? Don't you know an algorithm is? Sure! It's like Al, you can't stay here, so... Algo! Algo! Algo! Algo! Now! Algo! That's an Algo rhythm, that's an Algo rhythm! Same thing! No, it's not that same thing! Arnie, Arnie, just tell me what that algorithm tells you. The algorithm tells me that... Al shouldn't hang around. I'm gonna point you, my next human here, Bell. You and what, Arnie? I'll show you what Arnie is doing! You have five seconds to tell me what this algorithm is all about before I throw you out of here. I have been studying a very famous and successful TV show in order to determine what makes it successful. Ah, so we're going to copy a successful TV show? Yes! Yes! No! That's precisely what you told me to do, Brad! It's only uppercorns! Okay, okay! So we can do exactly what another successful TV show does exactly without copying it. Now we're talking. And what is the title of this completely original and non-copied TV show? NCIS Batfree! You're joking. Oh, it's not a comedy, Mr. Mel. But it does have humorous moments according to my algorithm. But how can the show be about the Batfree when NCIS stands for Naval Criminal Investigative Service? Well, that's not what our NCIS stands for. Our stands for No Copyright infringement suggested. It's a legal thing. Legal? The disclaimer is right. They're in the title! There's no way to avoid us doing this, is there? Not a chance. No, it's stuck. And I guess we may as well get started. After watching every single NCIS episode... Not much about a heck of a weekend. Tell me about it. I have noticed certain patterns. For instance, 94.7% of the episodes open up with a scene that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode. The discovery of the merger! Okay, Herman. You're up. Alrighty. No, Herman. No, no, no, no, no, Herman. Me? Yes, Herman. You have your script. Goon. Oh, it is so nice being here with the injury national bikini model pogo stick jumping chainmanship. Oh, my goodness. Look at that. Uh, Herman is supposed to be looking at the victim, not the ladies. Yeah, probably so. NCIS pattern number two. We cut to the NCIS offices where the characters were talking about things totally unrelated to the rest of the episode. Hey, who stole my baloney sandwich? Wasn't it Oscar Meyer baloney on two slices of whole week with a squirt of grey poop on mustard, a leaf of organic lettuce, and a slice of Borton Swiss cheese? That's the one. Haven't seen it. Alright, everybody. We got a case. Grab your gear. I don't have a gear. Then grab a cog. Come by the pinion. No, keep your pinions to yourself. NCIS pattern number three. The group arrives at the crime scene and takes the first look at the victim. Alright, where was the victim? Oh, here. Look, it's a dead body. Oh, cell phone. Cell phone. We're trying to maintain our family friendly rating here, Mr. Bell. But is a dead cell phone a crisis? You're not around young people a lot, are you, Mr. Bell? And at this point, somebody says something clever about the situation and we cut to the theme song. What kind of smartphone is it there? It's an eye-following. Hm, not anymore. Now it's a die phone. Where's the show theme music? Where's the clever quip? I just did the clever quip. That was it? Yes. That was clever? Just hit the theme. NCIS! Smart free! NCIS! Smart free! NCIS! Smart free! NCIS! Smart free! NCIS! Smart free! NCIS! Smart free! NCIS! Smart free! NCIS! Smart free! NCIS! Smart free! NCIS! Smart free! NCIS! To the scene of the crime where the investigation begins. 97.3% of the time, the first person they talk to, no matter how innocuous they may seem, winds up being the murderer. So do we have any witnesses or important clues or anything? None at all, sir. We're stumped. I sure could use some ice cream. Yeah, there's an ice cream truck right over here. Come on. I'll treat. Hello there. Can I help you? We'll take three of your least expensive ice cream pops, my good man. Sure thing. Here you go. That'll be a buck 50. That's some pretty cheap ice cream. Too bad about that cell phone, you know. Here you go. That ain't that Hugo. No, I said here. Hugo. No, this truck is a Chevrolet. Just take the darn money. Now we've got quite a job ahead of us trying to figure out who the murderer is. Not even more pressing. Where's my change? I gave you two bucks. I appreciate the chip. We're closed. Bye. Nice guy. Very innocuous. We should take this phone to the lab and see what they're going to make of it. We're going to make a little black surfboard out of it. Could be a durable shiny welcome mat. Pattern number five. And this goes for NCIS to pretty much any police drama. The lab is always run by a geeky weirdo. Well, I guess I knew who we cast for that part. Oh, yeah. When you want a geeky weirdo around here, there's only one choice. And why are you looking at me like that? True geeky weirdo lab person, have you discovered anything about your phone? Oh, yeah. I discover that whoever owns this is paying far too much for their cell service. Did you want any DNA? No, no. I'm not into rap music that much. He means deoxyribonucleic acid. D-Roxy nudie what? Double helix. Helix the cat. Bass. Pairs. Home plate peaches. I don't know about the geeky, but he's got a weird part down. Did you find anything on the phone that we can use as evidence? Oh, yes, yes, I found two prints. Now we're getting somewhere. Did you identify them? Yes, yes. They were Prince Harry and Prince William. Two likely suspects. Where did you find these prints? They were in the photos. Then you mean you found princes. I'm pretty sure they were guys. I wouldn't bet on that these days. Did you find any fingerprints? Oh, no, no, no. I didn't find any fingerprints and I followed procedure exactly. Well, that's good. I cleaned off the phone and then dusted for prints. In that order? Yes. Wait a minute. This phone was murdered. How did you find photos on it? Oh, well, let me guess. When you realize the phone was dead, you remove the archival memory recovery chip and using sophisticated software you hacked into the memory and salvaged the photos. Right? Wow, what an incredible deduction. But no. No. No, they were actually taped to the back of the phone. So, in short, we got buckets. Yes, yes. That's what it amounts to. NCIS pattern number six. There's a 92.7% says that at this point in the show, there will be some sort of friction between two of the characters that is totally unrelated to the plot of this episode. So, did you read the novel Silas Marner, like I suggested? Yes, yes. I finished it last night. Ah, then I'm sure that you discovered the themes of Silas Marner. Epi, as a treasure, represents the nature of treasures, both literal and spiritual. And Dunstan stealing Silas' gold falls into the pit, representing the pit that awaits all airing men. Huh? Huh? Well, my interpretation was slightly different than that. I found that the entire novel of Silas Marner represented a crashing bore. It was when I was in high school, and it was again now when I pretended to read it again. I see. And what would you consider an excellent novel? Well, there's the classic, saucy, swinging, stewardesses in Singapore. Okay, I think. Murder on my little pony ranch. Oh, look at the time, I really... And that action-adventure novel, the Devil's Pinata. You actually read that. No, it was a stinker, but it was still better than Silas Marner. Okay, you got me there. Action number eight. A person of interest is located. They try to interrogate him, and of course, he runs for it. And there's ice. Show it out! So, who is it we're driving to see? We're not driving anybody to see, Mr. Mel. There's not even an ocean near here. No. Unless you want to go skinny-dubbing or something. Ew, no. I mean, who are we driving to, to talk to? You want to try that sentence again? No, let's just move along. We got word of a possible witness, Mr. Bell. It's little old Granny Lady. Oh, that's nice. Do you know her name? I just told you. What name did you tell me? First name, little old. Last name, Granny Lady. Oh, the writers don't even try anymore, are they? There's your house. Let's go in and talk to her. You think the doorbell might work? I don't know. It looks pretty old. Maybe I should just knock. Don't knock it 'til you're trying it. Okay. Hey, it works. Yes, gentlemen. Are you Granny Lady? Granny Lady. No, I'm Charlotte. I mean, is that your name? What kind of name is that? Is what? That. What? That. Brad, you asked her if that was her name. What? I don't know. Big base. Miss Granny Lady, could we come in, please? Surely. Thank you. You haven't changed a bit, surely? No, I'm not surely. Surely not. More like a granny nut. Just don't forget me, not. Hey, isn't that a double negative? No. No. May we ask you a few questions? That's already a question. We're with NCIS. You don't have to spell it, sweetie. We're all adults here. We're federal agents. We're investigating a crime and... You jumped out the window. That is one spry Granny Lady. You go out the front door. I'll go out back. Out the back door. No, out back. There's a steakhouse over here. This isn't a steakhouse. Oh, we haven't delivered? We gotta chase that Granny Lady. Oh, right. Let's go. Sorry. There she is, Brad. She stopped in her tracks. He'd better be thankful that her train's not coming. She's just standing there. She's pointing her cane at us. That's no cane talk. You'll never take me. Granny Lady. Yes? Look behind you. I'm not falling for that old chestnut. You really should look behind you. I'm not looking anyone. Well, let's take her in for questioning. Yeah, well, collector, just as soon as the train goes by. That's a long train. So, he ever read the novel The Brothers Karamazov? I tried once. I'd rather once the train go by. Do you even know what it's about? Yeah. It's about 600 pages too long. It's about two brothers. Yes, yes. Who want to move to the United States? Move to the Karamazov to over, Jimmy. There's Granny Lady. Let's take her in for questioning. The Dark Knight returns. Now, there's a book. I'm falling and I can't get it up. And the final pattern is the odd twist at the ending. The unexpected moment when we find out who the true guilty person is. I don't think we're ever going to find out who the true guilty person is here. Okay, Herman, you're up. Me. No, you. No, Herman. You mean me? No, Herman. Oh, Herman. That would be me. Yes, Herman. Excuse me, I've come to fix the plumbing. Oh, wait a minute. You were supposed to call us before you got here. Well, my last job was at a place where they didn't allow cell phones. That's no excuse for not calling us. Wait a minute, guys. I just thought of something. What a good job Herman just did on his part. No, no. Although it was good. Thanks. I know just where we need to go. Oh, why are we at a Shiki's pizza party? Yeah, yeah. What have they got? What have they got? What have they got? We've got player pianos. We serve fun at Shiki's. We've got old time songs. I mean, what do they have that is relevant to our investigation? That's what? We're all over it. Oh, you mean like... Guys, the owner here doesn't allow cell phones. Your point being he doesn't like cell phones. Like cell phones. An amazing deduction, but I'm still not following. The owner also has an ice cream truck. Oh, yes! Yes! We can get dessert afterwards. No! There's the owner right there. Well, go to Shiki's. What would you like? We'd like you to put your hands behind your back because you're under arrest. All right, you got me. I murdered that phone. How did you know? When the plumber came into the office and said that he worked at a place that didn't allow cell phones, it occurred to me that the guy at Shiki's didn't like cell phones, and he was the same guy that was at the park when that cell phone got murdered. So I put two and two together and... You were the first person we talked to, which usually winds up being the murderer. But I'm so innocuous. Don't try matter, you're still the guilty party. Party? Party? It's always a party at Shiki's. We serve fun at Shiki's also pizza. And we serve up justness. Oh, come on, guys. That was pretty clever. I suppose so. It wasn't bad. Don't make some slack here. And the best part is, we got our man. Also pizza. Yes, pizza. Of course, pizza. Which one I think? So you guys really think the Squirrel Network's new streaming service Squirrel Plus would want to buy this idea? You can't mess, Mr. Bell. The moment we pitch it to them, they're going to go nuts over it. Squirrel Network nuts. And when are you planning on pitching it to them? I think I should fly to LA, pitch it, and get the reaction right away. Well, if you really think, let me catch that. Yellow. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. I'll pass that along. That was the Squirrel Network. Uh-huh. They were listening to the show. Uh-huh. They think it stinks. Your show? No, the NCIS battery idea. Well, save me a ticker, darling. Let's look at the bright side, everybody. And that would be somebody out there is listening to this show. Yeah, I hadn't thought of that. They probably pay them to listen. And on that note, let's play the end theme. Wait a minute. This isn't my theme. I need some Herman. Oh, no. We are Herman. That's right. We're in the club. [Music] Alright, now that that's over... One more time! No! You've been listening to Bells in the bathroom. I'd games the Herman. Episode 295. We are Herman. That's right. We're in the club. Copyright 2022 by John Belkreat of LLC. [Music] [Music] Join us next time for more Herman's. Also pizza. Yes, and pizza.