The Intuitive Divorce: Saving Time, Money & Heartache for Moms and their Kids
THE Tough Conversation
Hey mamas, you don't need me to point out that divorce and its potentially messy process are wrought with tough conversations that can trigger us, dig up feelings and truths we'd rather not face or deal with. But do you know what's harder than having tough conversations? Not having them. Putting your head in the sound, allowing fear to immobilize us from taking action or trying to deny what we know we have to do, only compounds that pain and suffering, especially in divorce. No one ever said that tough conversations were easy, however, the reality is that not having them is a likely contributor to having landed here in this divorce in the first place. Many of us weren't taught healthy communication skills, but there's no time like the present to shift that, to break some old patterns and free yourself from burdens. It's why I'm currently writing a divorce book about my favorite topic, divorcing differently. The old divorce narrative is outdated. It's missing pieces. It's bypassing the opportunities that you can see amidst this tough time. How you divorce matters. How you get through this upheaval matters right here, right now. That's what I want to talk to you about today. I'm calling this conversation the tough conversation. Hi there, mamas. Welcome to the intuitive divorce podcast. I'm Kristin Noel, Certified Divorce Coach and creator of the best self-intuitive divorce, a game-changing program that transforms the experience and outcomes of divorce, one mother at a time. I call it divorcing differently. I'm here each week bringing you a quick message to support, inspire, and empower you to achieve the outcomes you want for yourself and your kids. So let's dive into today's episode. Maybe one of the toughest conversations that a mama will ever have is dropping the divorce news on her husband. Then her kids, no doubt. What do I say? When do I say it? How do I say it? How will they react? Maybe I should hold off because dot dot dot. The truth is that once you start contemplating a divorce, you already have a foot out the door. You know there is no turning back. However, the uncertainty, vulnerability, fear, and pain can derail you or paralyze you from being able to make a move. But you know what's even tougher? Not having the conversation. Shrinking, pretending, avoiding, trying to fix what isn't yours to fix, staying when you feel like you're dying inside, where you can barely breathe or recognize yourself, sacrificing to the point of suffering. By the way, no one wins in this equation. I work with mamas on both sides of this equation, those who have been blindsided, and those who do the blindsiding. But the notion of blindsiding is an entire topic in itself. Mark my words, history always tells a different story. And when we finally arrive on the other side of the divorce, and when we allow healing to occur, we see all parts of the story we pretended to once not see. They become undeniable truths. It's not necessarily about the details and the specific circumstances that led to the straw that breaks the camel's back. It's about how and why we abandoned ourselves along the way. When we're unhappy and we continue to carry on hoping and praying things will work out and get better, but refrain from taking action steps, we inflict more pain upon ourselves and our kids. Many of the heart-centered mamas in our program labor over what to say, when to say it, and how to say it, because they care greatly, despite how much they want out. They drag their feet because they care how they treat others, which oftentimes means that they sidestep themselves. And when we sidestep ourselves once, we usually do it twice, and so on, until it becomes a well-worn pattern. I can always see when the mama's eye coach are ready to have the tough conversations, and when they're not. And I allow them to be where they are and remind them that there is great discernment in knowing the difference. Let's just say, it likely took you a while to get to this point of admission. It's okay if you take your time announcing it. Actually, it's necessary. Timing is everything. Trusting yourself is everything. Preparing is everything. Probably the biggest concern amongst mamas is, how will he react? That's a loaded question, because honestly, it isn't ours to control. Clearly, there are ways to steer conversations that are less triggering and antagonistic, but again, your spouse's reaction is on them. The delivery and staying calm in the heat of the moment is on you. And while there probably isn't a perfect time to end your marriage, or a moment when you will feel fully confident in having your script down and rehearsed, there is a way to get yourself on solid footing. The intuitive divorce focuses on getting mamas grounded, self-empowered, and aligned with their inner wisdom so they can have the tough conversations. Wanting to get the conversation right doesn't just mean getting your ducks in a row, doing your due diligence, educating yourself, protecting yourself, moving some money, copying some documents, and giving consideration to various outcomes and strategies. It means all of it. The most loving thing is to put thought and heart into your strategy. It's a game changer, and it's possible. Most people don't see how those two fit, but they do. And nothing could be more important right now than how you move through this. In an interview I once listened to, New York City divorce attorney James Sexton said, "How you end things is how you are going to remember the whole thing." All of it, the marriage included, that really stuck with me. Sure, you will get to the end of your divorce proceedings, but you want to land there feeling good about how you got there. They don't call them difficult conversations for nothing. As women were particularly programmed to not want to disappoint anyone, to tell them something they don't want to hear, but that doesn't change the reality of the circumstances, does it? Just consider a moment how much time you expend dodging conversations or addressing issues. That's a lot of energy, and the problem remains. What if instead you could reframe having difficult conversations as radical self-care and healing about modeling healthy behaviors for your kids, about breaking old patterns that no longer serve you? Start by asking yourself, what happens if I don't have the conversation? What if I do? Is this fear around doing so real or imagined? Sometimes we make things out to be so much bigger in our minds than they really are. And what are the possible positive outcomes of facing this fear and having this conversation once and for all? Wow, deep breath. The sooner we can renegotiate how we move through this, the more we can let go of, the less we hold on to, the easier it will be to say the things that need to be said and have the tough conversations. The good news is that it starts with self, and this is what I do every day. I walk beside mamas who are unsure, uncertain, and have forgotten how to trust their voices. The most glorious thing to witness is a woman reclaiming that. She isn't becoming someone new. She is becoming her best self that has been waiting to be heard. And I'm going to end this with a quote from the Alchemist. "Maybe the journey isn't about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place." Thanks for listening to today's episode, but more importantly, for making this time for yourself. If you're a professional, independent mother facing off with divorce, struggling with your emotions, worried about your kids and your future, and want a better way to navigate it all, I've got two ways to completely change the trajectory of your divorce and your life. Starting today. The first is our free divorce workshop. In this training, you'll learn the three steps to get off the emotional roller coaster and take control of your divorce so you can save time, money, and heartache for you and your family. Simply go to intuitivedivorce.com/workshop. And the second way is to book a free strategy call with our team, where we'll dive into your situation, your struggles, what you really want, and outline a path to get you there. For a short video and the booking link, go to intuitivedivorce.com/call. Check it out and I'll see you inside. Now I have a favor to ask you, mama. If you enjoyed this conversation and were inspired in your own divorce, please subscribe to this podcast so you don't miss future juicy talks. And I'd be so grateful if you'd leave a review so together we can help other mamas walking in the same shoes. [Music]