The Intuitive Divorce: Saving Time, Money & Heartache for Moms and their Kids
Common Ground, Kids & Divorce
"Hey, mamas, no one needs to tell you that the pain points in divorce are real and just about everywhere. It's because a divorce touches all aspects of your life, which is a big reason why many women don't have the courage to leave an unhealthy relationship. It's hard." But you do, and you know that the cost of staying is too steep for your precious life, and that of your kids. And I know you're here because you know that this isn't all about the division of assets and co-parenting plans. This is about healing wounds of the past so you can cease from repeating old patterns and lean into emotional healing. It's about showing up for your kids and helping them through the transition. This is about helping them navigate their own life adversity. And you may be surprised to hear me say this today. But it's also about uniting two warring factions, i.e. you and your ex, so that you can bridge the gap of your differences and meet on common ground for the benefit of your kids. It's possible, and I'm going to admit you to lean into that possibility. That's what I want to talk to you about today. I'm calling this conversation Common Ground Kids and Divorce. Hi there mamas. Welcome to the Intuitive Divorce podcast. I'm Kristin Noel, Certified Divorce Coach and creator of the Best Self Intuitive Divorce, a game-changing program that transforms the experience and outcomes of divorce one mother at a time. I call it divorcing differently. I'm here each week bringing you a quick message to support, inspire, and empower you to achieve the outcomes you want for yourself and your kids. So let's dive into today's episode. Okay, so I get that there isn't a lot of obvious common ground to be found in most divorces, kind of counterintuitive to consider, right? But you might be surprised. Bear with me a minute. Clearly most divorce processes are consumed with heated arguments, piles of legal docs, negotiations, court dates, and attorney's fees, fighting over who gets what, co-parenting plans and calendars, custody, etc. Many divorces are highly contentious and riddled with irreconcilable differences and not so best self behavior. It's almost a stereotypical requirement, but not with an intuitive divorce. Now before you think that this is all kumbaya and touchy feely and needs to involve cooperation of both parties, let me explain where I'm going with this. First off, I want you to know that harnessing the power of your intuition is actually strategic, not woo-woo. It takes grace, self-awareness, and strength to remain calm in the face of adversity and to be able to recognize the bigger picture at play. It's way too easy to get triggered and reactive by your ex and their shenanigans. I'm not suggesting that you give them or their bad behavior a get-free pass, but I am suggesting that you consider what it costs you when you take the bait. You can shut something down and still stay on track with your goals. You can still have tremendous influence over the outcomes of your divorce and the trajectory it will take even if your spouse won't play ball or meet you in the middle. But far too many parents can't see beyond their own noses in divorce, and they get pulled straight back into the drama unfolding and then add to it. It's not because they're bad people. No, they're wounded people with unaddressed, unhealed emotional scars they've likely been caring for a long time. And what do parents with unhealed wounds do with their kids? They unwittingly place them in the middle of the conflict as they dodge their own issues. They expose their kids to conversations and drama they shouldn't be a part of. They play tug of war with them trying to solicit them to their team. They swage their guilt by overcompensating and overindulging them instead of helping them navigate their own big feelings about all that's unfolded in their family. They yes them to death, give them what they want, and refrain from setting boundaries. And you know what? No one wins in this equation. This is particularly evident with teenagers who are well-versed in pushing buttons and can be extremely manipulative. Can you blame them? Hey, we were all teenagers once. But mark my words, your little ones had their own ways too. They may act like they are "fine" that their life hasn't been disrupted or admit that they're bothered in any way, but it has and they are. That doesn't mean that they will necessarily want to unpack it all with you at any given moment, but this is where you can plant seeds with them and nurture their feelings and help them take accountability for their actions so they can grow into healthy adults. One of the mamas in our program recently shared a tough situation she was navigating with her teenager. This mama has been rolling up her sleeves and doing the hard work for months, looking at her own stuff, soliciting awareness, nurturing herself and setting boundaries for her kid, and better yet holding firm to them which hasn't been easy. But the bottom line is, boundaries equal love. It sends a message that you matter enough to me to care about doing my job as a parent. Now, of course, there are a few who like being told no, especially teenagers. No, you can't use my car. No, you can't use my credit card. No, you can't have a party while I'm out of town. No, you can't do whatever you want, when you want, how you want, without boundaries and repercussions. So, back to this notion of common ground. No matter how acrimonious a divorce, no matter what you agreed upon or didn't, no matter what you think of each other or not, there is one place you want to find common ground and that's with your kids. Parenting styles, triggers and any gamut of emotions inside, your kids didn't ask for this, and they need you both to get on board and put your differences aside when it comes to their best interests. Harsh, I know, maybe a tall order for sure, but the well-being of your kids is paramount and trumps everything else. I know if you're here in this community mama, it's because you care about divorcing differently. I also know that you would likely stand in front of an oncoming train if you could prevent your child from any amount of suffering. So now I'm going to challenge you to put your actions where your words are. I want you to consider for a moment, if you and your spouse or ex could agree to stand on common ground for the benefit of your child or children, especially a child is in crisis or acting out. What if two wearing factions, i.e. you and your ex, could bridge the gap between your differences and unite forces for the benefit of your kid or kids? No one's saying you have to forgive and forget or become best friends, but you brought this child into the world together and that child needs you now together. Imagine what that could look like. Could you set ground rules to keep conversations and interactions between the two of you focused on the kids? When they deviate, shut them down. When you feel like you're about to say something you'll regret, walk away, commit to staying on track and one track only. You both have a responsibility to cooperate on behalf of your kids. I know that may or may not happen or be remotely possible. Isn't it worth a try? Aren't your children and their well-being worth it? When the divorce is long over and on the distant horizon and you look back on how you showed up, how do you want to remember yourself? How do you want your kids to remember you? You're writing that story right now. I know that there is nothing easy about this, but when two parents can get out of their way and set their differences aside and unite as a team with a common goal, the love of their child, amazing things can unfold. Imagine how your kids will tell this version of the story someday. Maybe they would say something like this. My parents couldn't even be in the same room without devolving into expletives and anger, but amazingly, when I needed them most, they showed up for me. Honestly, I love them both. I see that they are happier in their new life chapters, but they showed me something really important about being a parent. I hope I can model close to their example when I become a parent. I don't know how they did it, but they put their grievances to the side and helped me through one of the toughest times in my life. I put them through hell, but don't know what I would have ever have done without them. Now, just imagine that. How amazing would that be? We talk a lot about writing our next chapters beyond the divorce in our coaching program. You are planting seeds right now in your life, in the energy of your house, and in your divorce, for what you will find when you arrive on the other side of it all. Make that story epic mama. And I'm going to end with a quote from Rumi, "Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there." Thanks for listening to today's episode, but more importantly, for making this time for yourself. If you're a professional, independent mother facing off with divorce, struggling with your emotions, worried about your kids and your future, and want a better way to navigate it all, I've got two ways to completely change the trajectory of your divorce and your life starting today. The first is our free divorce workshop. In this training, you'll learn the three steps to get off the emotional roller coaster and take control of your divorce so you can save time, money, and heartache for you and your family. Simply go to intuitivedivorce.com/workshop. And the second way is to book a free strategy call with our team, where we'll dive into your situation, your struggles, what you really want, and outline a path to get you there. For a short video and the booking link, go to intuitivedivorce.com/call. Check it out and I'll see you inside. [Music] [BLANK_AUDIO]