Informally God
Who Am I? You Will Meet the Devil
- Hi guys, welcome to another episode of informally God. Today, you might hear me rustling some papers 'cause I have a lot of notes written down to talk about my confusion. I think this is more of an episode of me sort of musing and talking aloud because I really have no idea who I am. And that's the topic of today's podcast episode. Who am I? I looked that up a couple of times on Google, you know, like what's an identity in Christ? You know, who am I in God? And so yeah, you might hear the rustling of notes that, you know, reflect a lot of writings about nothing, essentially because there's a couple of, there's a lot of things that I wanted to touch on in regarding, in regards to who am I. But I just, I don't really wanna look at them so much. I just wanna talk. So I have no idea who I am. What I realized at this stage in the game, my personal journey with God is that quite stupendously, you know, my journey with God has been an absolute nightmare. And I say that with all the love in the world, but it has been a nightmare because what I've realized at this stage is just how everything will become upended when you begin your journey with God. So too, is this idea, this upended idea of that in order to know God, in order to begin my journey with God, and in order to come into an understanding of who God is, I must meet the devil. And you are going to meet the devil and it is going to be a very horrible thing. You will see the devil in all of his glory and it is a very terrible thing. It is horrifying. I've never seen anything like this in my life. I have, but I was just asleep for it. And now I get the biggest privilege in the world of being awake for it. And it's just, you know, double the nightmare now. Getting to know God is about getting to know the devil. It's about coming face to face with the devil. First and foremost, the spiritual law is of the devil within first and then the devil that is roaming around and prowling around in other people in the world. And what I realize is that this has to happen because when you come to God, you come with your companion, Satan. He's given you all these different false ideas and identities about who you are. When God just created you to be, when God created you just to be as you are, you just are, as God says, "I am that I am that I am." God doesn't introduce himself as a gentleman. He doesn't introduce himself as, you know, a father. He doesn't introduce himself as, you know, anything, you know, but God as I am. And so too, is the simplicity of our identity in God. So when we come to God, we come with all of these identities that must be torn down. And in order for them to be torn down, you will be awakened to the devil that has been your companion all this time. These identities will need to be torn down. All these ideas about how great of a mom you are, I'm such a great mom, I'm such a great dad. You will be shown Satan and you will be shown that you are not a good mom. You will be shown that you are not a good dad. All these ideas about, "I am a family man." You will be shown Satan and you will be shown that you are not a family man. You will be shown all the ways in which you hurt your family. You will be shown all the ways in which you have identified with the devil in order to destroy everyone, including yourself. All these ideas about what a good person you are will come crumbling down when you are introduced to Satan who will show you just how awful of a person you really are. Getting to know God is about getting to know the devil. You will come face to face with the devil. You will meet the devil. You will be awake to meet the devil. And yeah. I came into this whole kind of whirlpool because this, who am I has been floating around in my head like a whirlpool for a couple of weeks now. And this all came from a fellowship with Jesse Lee Peterson, I think like two weeks ago, it was a little while ago. And it was an interesting back and forth conversation that he was having with a woman. And he was asking her a pretty standard question that he regularly asks everyone. And the question was, why can't you get rid of your anger? And I thought about that. And I said, why can't I get rid of my anger? Why can't she get rid of her anger? Why can't anybody get rid of their anger? And I started, like I said, I started, you know, this started the whole whirlpool. How can I get rid of something that I didn't put inside of myself already? How can I get rid of something that I have no control over? How can I get rid of something if I am not God and I need God in order to get rid of it in the first place? That's just logic thinking. And the answer that I came to is that we can't get rid of our anger. God needs to remove it. And so if there is anger there, then that means that God is allowing it. Now, I'm not going to confuse this and don't get this confused with, you know, God condoning you being angry because I wholeheartedly, you know, believe that, you know, anger is the nature of the devil. As Jesse Lee Peterson has said, I've observed this in myself. I've observed this in other people. It is the nature of the demon. It is the nature of Satan. It is not the nature of God. But I can't get rid of something because I'm not God. I don't have the power to do that. God, you know, is the only entity that has the power to do that. And so for whatever reason that he has, he's allowing this because his will for me is sanctification. His will for me is the sharpening of a sword. And you can't be sharpened when you have all this dirt inside of yourself. You can't go out into the world. You can't be an example of anything when you are being led by the same spirit that is destroying the rest of the world and everyone else in it. So God is not, you know, condoning, you know, an angry nature. I don't believe that God is condoning an angry nature, but he's allowing it because he allows Satan. He is the ruler of Satan and he has Satan, you know, as, you know, I read this article that gave me some sort of, some sort of understanding. And I recommend it, it's called Satan's 10 Strategies Against You by this guy named John Piper. And he's the founder and teacher of desiring God.org. I didn't, you know, I'm not really into the website or anything like that, you know, in my own searchings, I just, you know, happened to come across this particular article, but it's an interesting article that gave me some, you know, insights, you know, about things, you know, in the sobering, the most sobering thing, you know, like I said, at the beginning of this episode and as, you know, this guy has said in this article, the most sobering thing about knowing God is realizing that we all have the supernatural enemy who's desire and who's only will for life is to kill us and destroy us. And, you know, that's, that's just wonderful, you know. Like, you know, the whole thing about returning to spirit, returning to God is that your spirit remains eternal. While your body, you know, we may lose our lives in being sanctified, we may lose our lives, you know, we may lose our bodies, but that's not really the purpose at the end of the day, because what we're coming to understand, you know, when we return to the spirit is that the spirit is the only realm that exists, you know, an eternal soul, you know, just as Jesus, you know, returned to God, you know, and, you know, I forget what it says in the Bible. He, you know, either took his place, you know, by the side of God on the right or left hand side, you know, when his body, you know, his soul returned to God, his body, you know, it is done, is finished, but his soul returns eternally to God, to the spirit, the eternal spirit of God. So fear not, because the world is not our business. It is our business insofar as our God's will for us here, forever, however, for however long he has us here. Um, the whole, you know, why can't you get rid of your anger? Uh, that made me start thinking too of, you know, this, uh, thorn, quote unquote, thorn in Paul's side. Um, I haven't gotten that far in the Bible where I read about Paul, um, or even the story, you know, but generally, you know, I've heard about, um, you know, this, this, you know, symbolic thorn, you know, I guess Paul, you know, lamented, you know, why can't this thorn, you know, be taken from my side? Um, I'm, you know, constantly suffering as a result of this thorn being in my side, you know, God has not removed this thorn, you know, from my side. And from the, some of the articles I looked at online, um, that were, you know, doing their best to, uh, expound on it, you know, it was pretty much, uh, saying, you know, across the board that, you know, this thorn is, you know, quote unquote, symbolic, you know, nobody really knows what this thorn is. But I think, sorry about that, uh, but I think, um, you know, one of the quotes that Paul used in the Bible was, you know, it was kind of like thanking God that he put the thorn there, you know, because it's like, God has given me so many great revelations that if he took the thorn out, then I would, uh, you know, collapse into my obedience and to Satan again. And I would take that glory, uh, from God for myself. Um, so this thorn is keeping me from the devil. The thorn is keeping me from conceitedness and haughtiness, um, you know, to claim, you know, that glory for myself, only that revelation and that glory, which comes from God, um, you know, he, he's given it to me. Um, and I don't really know what to think about that. I, I don't know. I, I don't really know what's going on here in the spiritual world. I just, I don't know who I am. Um, all I know is that for the last four years, uh, all these things that I've thought that I was are being destroyed, uh, one by one. Um, all of these ideas, you know, that I've had, uh, about myself, all of these identities, uh, that have been created, uh, unbeknownst to me, um, and put on to me, uh, are, are being shown to me and they are being taken away. I don't really think it's a fair question, but it's a really awesome question at the same time. You know, why can't you get rid of your anger? I love the question because, you know, it, it, it does exactly what it's designed to do. It makes you think, um, if you're really serious, you know, in your thirsting for God and you're really serious and you're, um, you know, getting to know him and getting, you know, closer to him, you know, it's a great reflective question. It's a great, you know, question for reflection, um, but it's kind of an unfair question at the same time, um, because, you know, it's like, I, I can't get rid of it. I can't, um, you know, I can do my own personal homework, uh, which is, you know, the silent prayer, um, and, you know, practicing, you know, stillness, you know, practicing, you know, the, the practice of, of having no identity of, of being nothing, you know, and, uh, it really, you know, as Jesse Lee Peterson has said, um, it slows you down, um, so that, you know, when you're in any given situation in the world, your reaction time is a lot slower, um, because you are practicing to be still, um, you're practicing for that pause, um, that allows God to fill, um, instead of yourself in that reaction and overreaction that you normally have to any given situation, which actually just makes it worse. Um, so it's, it's, it's a practice pause. It's, it's a practicing, you know, uh, stillness. Um, and it's really important. Um, so I'm going to take, um, looking at these, um, notes that I created, and there's so many of them, but, you know, I think that's really all I wanted to say. Um, the goal, um, of your journey with God, um, is to return in spirit, uh, to God. It's to return to Him. Um, it is not to stay in the world. Um, it is not to cling to the world. It is not to cling to possessions and houses and money. It's not to do that. It's very hard to be in it and not to do that at the same time. Um, but it's really important. Um, you know, that, you know, the focus remains on what the focus really is, which is on the spiritual. It's not that the focus is not on the world. Uh, when you're with God, you're not with the world. Just as when you're with the world, you know, you're not with God. These are two separate things, um, that go together like oil and water. Um, and. Yeah, I think, uh, that's. I think that's really all I wanted to say. Um, I made an episode, a while back, um, a great while back on talking about, um, These two men, uh, U. G. Christian of Mertie and Eckhart Tolle. Uh, these two men, uh, played an important part in my development. Um, their books, uh, I think it's called like Eckhart Tolle's awakening to the power of now or something like that. And then I read pretty much all of U. G. Christian of Mertie's books, which are in public domain. Um, he, he could have cared less about, you know, any of that stuff. But there was a point in time when, you know, and I, I've talked about this before when, you know, because I used to be, you know, pretty bad off. Um, and there was a time, you know, someone introduced me to the secret, you know, and as cheesy as it sounds, you know, this movie, very, very cheesy. Um, it, it, it totally, quote, unquote changed my life. It changed my life in terms of, you know, reflecting now, it didn't change anything, right? Because I still came to God, you know, in the same rough shape that I was in. Um, but it changed my life, you know, in this kind of superficial worldly way. Um, because, you know, all I had previously had was all these horrible negative thoughts. And that's really all there is because that's what the mind is. It's garbage. Um, it's Satan. Um, and but the secret introduced me to this idea of being able to think good thoughts, you know, and of course, this is another trick of Satan. Um, but, you know, it quote, unquote changed my life. And, you know, then I started becoming like a self-help junkie and I started reading like all of these self-help books, you know, trying the best that I could to become like a quote, unquote better person. And I remember at one point in time, just a bookmark Eckhart Toland, U.G. Krishnamurti for a second, I remember at one point in time reading another book by, uh, I don't know how to pronounce his name. I think he's like, uh, uh, it's like tick not Han or something like that. He was like this, uh, Zen monk or some Buddhist monk or something like that who's written a couple books too. And I remember being in a bookstore and reading like a snippet of his book and he was talking about anger. And I remember, uh, laughing out loud, you know, just like the devil when I was reading the snippet, you know, because he was talking about getting rid of anger. Um, and I remember even thinking, uh, in that moment in the store, you know, yeah, right. You know, like if I get rid of my anger, then I, I won't have a personality. It became the hallmark of my personality. My anger was an identity. I realized that even then, and it, um, I laughed because it's like, if I get rid of my anger, who will I be? You know, like I won't have a personality. And then, um, you know, a couple of years later, um, it's interesting with Eugeo Krishnamurti and Eckhart Tolle that, uh, these men claimed to have had a great, uh, transformation, uh, it's something, uh, very transformative happened, uh, according to these men to themselves. And it's really interesting how this, um, transformation played out very differently in both men. Eugeo Krishnamurti, uh, he was great. He was like the anti guru for me. Like he was really cantankerous. He was rude. Um, and you know, like people will come from like miles and miles around to visit him in like India and Switzerland. And to be just like sitting there on pillows, just telling people to get the hell away from him and like, what do you want? Like leave me alone. Like I don't have any answers for you. And they would just keep coming and coming and coming and coming. And he had been raised, um, as part of the Theosophical Society, uh, which was, you know, uh, Madam Blavatsky and his total garbage. Um, but it totally screwed him up, um, because he came from a high cast in India and he realized very young that all these people who were like yogis who were praying, like they were very angry people. Um, and that produced a crisis within him as is normal. Like there's, there's, there's no sense here. There's no logic here. Um, you know, on the outside, it appears one way, but on the inside, it's another story altogether. And that's really how the world works. Um, and so this kind of like, uh, like I said, it screwed him up a little bit. And then he talked about how this question, you know, how do I know that I'm not the Buddha? Like, how do I know that I'm not Buddha? Like, how do I know that I'm not him? He, like, this question started spiraling, like in his head, like a whirlpool. And he talks about how all of a sudden, like this thought of how do I know that I'm not the Buddha just, it totally exploded him, you know, to the point one day where it was just like a finger snapped. And then he, he just, it changed him. Like it transformed him. Like the question disappeared. And then he, like the transformation happened. And it's like the same thing with Eckhart Tolle. The same kind of story that Eckhart Tolle, um, describes, but with like kind of a totally, like the way he, uh, manifested was a lot different than you, G. Like Eckhart Tolle is like totally like dead, like at the microphone. Like he's in total, he's just like sitting there and total bliss or quote, unquote bliss or whatever it is. Um, and he talked about, um, you know, Eckhart Tolle is German. And I think that he was like a professor at German University. Um, but he talked about how he was very, very, very, very depressed. Um, and he, I don't know if he, he, he attempted suicide. I think, um, many times he was on the verge of committing suicide when this happened, when all of a sudden, you know, I think he had the thought of, I want to commit suicide. Um, and he was in the bed one night. Um, and then all of a sudden he realized that there was another voice. Um, and it was the voice that was observing the voice saying that I want to commit suicide. And then he said, like a snap again, he had become completely transformed as a result of this. And the question, um, like, who am I, you know, who, who, like, it totally just exploded him and changed him in the same way. Because he realized that, uh, there was this mind, you know, that he had that was giving him all these garbage thoughts. Um, but then came, um, a higher mind. Um, and he realized that there was an observer. There was an observer observing the darkness, but the darkness can observe itself. So there's something higher observing the darkness. Um, and, and that's God, you know, that's what, you know, what we're, we're trying to get to here. Um, and I just, I wanted to mention that, you know, and, uh, that's always stuck with me. Um, you know, I, I don't know, uh, I don't know. Uh, you know, I, I just wanted to mention it. Um, but it's, it's a hard journey. Um, because, um, you're, you're getting to know God, but you're with Satan. Um, and God is allowing it. Um, but it needs to happen. Um, in order to know God, you need to know Satan. Um, and this is just another, uh, a top seed her be bumping the road of like what, like what is going on here? Like what is going on here? Um, and yeah, I think that's it. I, I felt like, you know, before I started this episode, I had so much to say I had all these notes, but, you know, just who am I? Um, you know, you will be shown, you know, that rightly so you are nothing. Um, you are, you are nothing. Um, like the lies that you have been told. Um, all of these identities, all of these ideas of who you think you are, are ego based, they're anger based. Um, they're, uh, based on either building you up to make you feel good about yourself. And you know, then they're there to tear you right back down again. Um, and to make you feel like crap about yourself. Um, it's there to, uh, it's, it's, it's an angry identity. There is no identity in God. There is no identity in God. Um, you know, all of these people, you know, who take great pride and skin color and culture. And I mean, you can have a topical, um, pride about things, a topical superficial, you know, like I'm proud of where I come from, you know, but when you start attaching to it, that's something totally different. And you'll see that people who have attached to identity in some way, shape, or form are angry. Um, you know, they think they're better than or they think they're less than it's the same devil at the end of the day. Um, who am I? Um, I don't know. Um, and on that note, I will talk to you guys in another episode of informally God soon. Thanks for listening.