Baconsale

Episode 463: Tournament of Brand Mascots

Well, we know you heard it through the grapevine and the rumors are true! Baconsale is doing another ridiculous deathmatch. Why? Because they're gr-r-reat! On this episode, Joel, Kent, and Zack have randomly placed 64 popular brand mascots on a bracket to discover who can take a bite out of crime (and their opponent). And as these colorful commercial characters and animated anthropomorphic animals do battle with one another, things get sour, then sweet, then just plain weird. Will Twinkie the Kid be able to avoid the Noid? Will the Geico Gecko survive a nice Hawaiian Punch? Will Little Caesar be forced to Eat Mor Chikin? Does this episode contain the most references to beer & cigarettes in Baconsale history? Press play to find out. You can also download the official bracket for this tournament at Baconsale.com.

Duration:: 1h 35m
Broadcast on:: 12 Aug 2024
Audio Format:: mp3

[MUSIC PLAYING] This is Kate Beckinsale. You're listening to "Bacon Sale." [MUSIC PLAYING] Hello, listener. Look at whoever is next to you. Now back to us. Now back to the person next to you. Now back to us. Sadly, they aren't us. But if they stop listening to true crime podcasts and switch to "Bacon Sale," they could smell like us. Look down. Back up. Where are you? You're on an episode about mascot death matches. What's in your hand? Back at us. We have it. It's a weapon to kill those two mascots you hate. Look again, the weapons are now bacon-salia speedos. Anything is possible when you and your friends listen to "Bacon Sale." I'm on a horse. Woo! What's it? Woo! Spicy. Welcome to "Bacon Sale." I'm Joel. I'm Kent. And I'm Zach. We'd like to thank you for listening to our last episode, our trilogy part two tiering, the sequel to the first trilogy tiering. Yeah, it was the middle. It was in the part two. It was the middle. It was the bridge episode. Big things come in, and the third one, probably. Probably the scary conclusion. Or a lot more of the same, one of the two. Shout-out to K.P. Brown, who said the bad divergent series deserves a little credit. And I do agree with this comment, realizing how bad it was they did stop at three. I mean, sometimes you just gotta quit while you're behind. [LAUGHTER] Also, Jonathan Vaskar comments that he's like, come on, we should have had some semblance of an ending. And while I do agree with that, if it cared-- Yep. --and then Evil Dead gets a shout out here by saying K.P. Brown says, I also would love Evil Dead for giving rise to such wonderful B-movie actor Bruce Campbell episode. Do we need to do that? Bruce Campbell episode. I would love that. It's like, hey, all of you. But then do we have to watch Bruce Go County Jr. Or your cameo's on Spider-Man. You do, bro. Sure. And then reaching deep into the well of Big and Sell lore, Ryan said he would do a cyborg bracket. But he insisted that there would be one robot on there. OK. Little inside jokes to Big and Sell. Doodah. Yeah, but that's not what we're talking about today. What are we talking about today, Zach? We're having a death match. Just been a long time since we've had a death match. Yeah. And if you haven't heard one of these before, here's how it works. You know how we had a-- we had a couple-- think a couple weeks back. We had a couple ridiculous episodes. And then we kind of had one semi-serious one. This is not one of the serious ones. This is like an in-depth, not serious one. It really is. Joel, keep going. Tell us about it. So before we've done things like Disney Villains, Disney Heroes, Disney sidekicks. And so this has nothing to do with Disney. No. What we're doing this time is brand mascots. Uh-huh. Commercial mascots are brand mascots. What are we going to call them? Think about it. I mean, I hope the Gen Z and the Gen Alpha know about brand mascots now because-- These, I wonder. They were all part of the commercials that your Gen Xers-- and honestly, maybe even baby boomers-- but Gen Xers and the millennials know very well because we watch broadcast television. Now I kind of wonder how people get their commercials. They don't. Their ads on social media. But do you think Zach tell us as a young? Yeah. Do you see the same mascots? No. Not at all. I don't see ads. I don't think a lot of people watch ads or they skip over them as soon as they can. No. If I have anything recorded, I skip over it. If it's on YouTube-- OK, so basically you're going through the isles of Walmart and that's how you're saying these mascots maybe? Yeah, I'm out. On a box of something. The cookie crisp dog is different. Yeah. That's it. That's how we know. Well, I also feel like when I watch something with ads in it, it's the same two ads over and over again every time. I'm like, OK, we get it. Move on. Do something else. But I don't think many kids are going to see these because they don't watch out in "Morning Cartoons." Well, I guess we give up. Let's move on. By the way, we have 64 players. Yes. And you can actually see our entire bracket at baconsell.com. You can download it yourself, play with your friends or your family, hand it around at work, cause some contention because we have a ton of mascots on there. Like, it could be a cereal mascot versus a fast food mascot. And this is going to get weird. I think these are predominantly food related. Yeah. For the most part. Yeah. Or they may try to save you money on your life insurance or your car insurance. May I find it? Oh, spoiler alert. Well, let's jump into it, shall we? By the way, this is a very random sampling. This is a very random match up. Yes, we got the order, we tried to pick well-known ones. And then we just kind of, we did a season one style baconsell where we just kind of threw them randomly on the bracket. No real rhyme or reason, just to see what happened. There's one very clear rhyme and reason. And it's not family friendly, and I'm really excited about it. Oh. Now I'm wondering, can you remind us when it happens? Oh, you'll know. Maybe you'll know. You'll know. All right, our first match up. And again, this is not what's better. This is what would win in a cage match where the area is whatever-- I will determine it. Whatever suits, kents, arguments. Thank you. Traditionally, this has been like a cage match where they're put in a little boxing ring. A hunger game's arena. And a cage has put over them. Mm, a hunger game's arena. But that can't morphs it into whatever he wants to be. A New York City apartment. Think of it like a Smash Brothers level. Yes. It's just basic, very basic. Very basic. OK, we'll see. We'll see. OK, first match up. The Kool-Aid Man. Oh, yeah. From Kool-Aid. And the Vlasic Stork. From Vlasic Pickles. Even though they'll say-- Thank you, yeah, yeah. So Kool-Aid Man is fighting the Vlasic Stork. By the way, the Kool-Aid Man is a fun, loving, gigantic, and joyful anthropomorphic pitcher filled with the original flavor of Kool-Aid, which is cherry. And the Vlasic Stork, he's a stork with a hat and a vest. And he speaks on a style reminiscent of Croucho Marx and holds a pickle like a cigar. Yeah, by the way, the stork's name is Jovny, and he's been the mascot since 1974. Do you know why he's the mascot? I found out from this research. He could go on. Because he's merging the stork baby mythology with the notion that pregnant women have an above average appetite for pickles. In fact, Vlasic marketed themselves as the pickle pregnant women crave. After all, who's a better pickle expert than a stork? Zach, I know we don't want to spend a ton of time on this first show because it's going to get from 64 to 32. But how much of about their powers and skills do you want to hear about? I would like to know if they have any, but I have one gigantic question that must be answered. I think you kind of touched on the Kool-Aid man. What animates him? Is he a pitcher and he happens to have Kool-Aid, or is the Kool-Aid his life essence? I think he is the pitcher. And because in the original ones, they actually drew a face on a pitcher and then they started moving around. It wasn't the Kool-Aid inside. It was the pitcher, it was the condensation. Meaning the glass had the energy in the light. Zach, did you know that in the commercials, if you pour different Kool-Aid in him, he gets different powers. Like for example, Kool-Aid, he can become a vampire. Ice, cool, ice, breath. Where are you getting this from? If it's from the wiki, there's the weird wikis out there. This isn't from his Wikipedia page. But I did watch a smattering of the old commercials and they have the weirdest abilities and sports that these mascots like to play. The Kool-Aid man is curvy. He just stuck up all the powers. Well, so basically what we know about the Kool-Aid man is he can break through a wall. He's very good eavesdropping. Yes, oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, he has uncanny timing. And listen. Literally break through walls. Some of these mascots, I'm going based on the animalistic traits because there's not much known about them otherwise. And so, for example, a stork. It eats amphibians, reptiles, and small mammals from the ground and shallow water. It can snap their bill shut in as little as 25 milliseconds. Okay. What does a stork be gonna do to a glass pitcher? Not much. Would you call the Kool-Aid man shallow water? I mean, this sounds like-- No, that's quite-- There's a lot of depth. Too deep for a stork. Absolutely, there is. Our stork is particularly territorial. Do we know this about them? I don't know. But I know the Kool-Aid man is taking this match for me. And why? He's got the strength and the power, the stork. I don't see surviving like a head-on combat. The agility, Kool-Aid man. Kool-Aid man's got no hops. He's got no-- The two can run and burst through walls at a moment's notice. Oh, so he's the juggernaut? Do you think he's directly outside the wall in the head-on station? No, Kool-Aid man. How fast can the Kool-Aid man turn around? Pretty fast. Any time you hear someone talking about Kool-Aid or juice, he bursts through a wall. He's like Superman. Oh, so he's like an insurance risk? Yeah. So this is how it's gonna go down. So Joel, I totally agree. And so Kool-Aid man is gonna win. But Kool-Aid man would show up with a green body filled with pickles and pickled juice inside of him, making the stork crave them because he wants his little cigars. The stork would grab one and the pickle would be marinated with pesticide. Oh, well, why would it be pesticide if it's an animal? Or poison. It's fine. Oh, no, sorry. Listen, it's just a string. You're absolutely right, pesticide. Burd-a-side, clearly. OK. Burd-a-side. Burd-a-side. Kool-Aid man wins. [MUSIC PLAYING] Hey! Oh, yeah! Next, we have Sunny, the Kookoo Bird. From Cocoa Puffs. And the Charmin Bear. From Charmin Toilet Paper. Singular? Well, we're trying to figure out-- There's a family in the commercial. It was just one bear and then they kind of expanded it to families. It's a Mulan situation where we get one familial representative. Maybe. Except for sometimes, there's three on purpose. So Sunny, as a mascot, was introduced in 1962. The Charmin Bears introduced in 1999. So a little bit newer. Both anthropomorphic. Yeah, the Charmin Bears are red bears that teach their kids to wipe their bums and not leave pieces on their behind. Pieces of toilet paper. Yeah, behind and on their behind. Thank you very much. I mean, pieces in general. Fun fact, Sunny, the Kookoo Bird, is one of his original voices, was Larry Kenney, who voiced Lyano in Thundercats. The one Tuff hearing voice is sending the Kookoo Bird. That's weird to think about. None of that means anything to me. And the blue bears of the Charmin Bears, they're the ultra blue bears. Oh, they did evolve to blue bears now. And then the red bears. They have five blue bears and five red bears. The blue ones are the Charmin Ultra Stuff family and the five red ones are the Charmin Ultra Strong family. Ultra Strong is red. Yeah, so I don't know which one they're going against here, but that's, are we doing three bears against one bird? That seems unfair. No, let's just do one bear. Speaking from experience, I mean, it really depends on if you're going strong or soft. Because one of them holds up better in battle. Wait, so if you catch our drift. Our three bears three play. Is that what we're saying here? Well, I think the bear has a roll of toilet paper and Sunny has a spoon. If we're taking the animal bird versus bear, I think that's pretty easy. But you got to look at the context of these. It's literally soft bears versus an insane bird. Well, and that's, they're not feral bears. These bears are definitely used to their creature comforts. They use toilet paper to hold. However, Sunny the Kookaburt has anxiety any time. There are Koko puffs around. Sunny loses it. Well, those ballistic. He tries to control himself. Yeah, but then. But never does, literally every course. As they keep trying and egging him on, eventually he'll just kind of break and be like, I'm Kookoo for Koko puffs. Yeah, and he'll bounce around. He'll bounce around. He's got a hard beak. No, he'll bounce around and get flustered. And I think a bear will wrap them up in a ton of toilet paper and just smother it. No, I actually saw it going as, the bears do wrap them up with toilet paper. But then they start talking about how they're going to crunch his bones. And here's crunch. It starts going crunch like Koko puffs. I'm Koko for Koko. It's breakout. It's just time to pack out their eyes and cold. They wrapped him in ultra soft. Yeah, not ultra soft. That would be nice. I would just go to bed. Okay, I can agree with that. You're just agreeing? I'll disagree with it. You're not going to let Zach break the tie? No, I feel good about that. Yeah, it's sunny. So the Charmin, the Charmin bears are not, they're only technically bears. They're might as well be teddy bears. Sunny to Kookoo bird wins. Yeah, I'm Koko for Koko puffs. Next we have Count Chocula. From Count Chocula cereal. And the Aflak Duck. Aflak, what? Insurance, Aflak. By the way, his name is Count Alfred Chocula. And he was first introduced in 1971. And the Aflak Duck has been around since 1999. I am so excited. We found a way to talk about supplemental insurance on Bacon Sale. A few times. The Aflak Duck is an American pick and duck, or peeking duck without a G. And they're raised primarily for meat. They're actually the friendliest duck. And don't get irritated when you pick them up. Well, they're meat ducks? Yeah, they're docile meat ducks. They're docile meat ducks. It's my band's name in college. What kind of music did you guys play? We actually jazz, smooth jazz. I forget what we can do. Whereas Count Chocula, he is able to shape shift into a bat. And he's able to control Count Chocula cereal. And suppose it, immortality. He's been around a long time. He's been around a long time. By the way, he's seven foot six. That's freaky. Yeah, right. But weaknesses, he's obviously a vampire. So he's going to be kind of vulnerable to daylight and garlic and a steak through the heart and silver. Waterspoons may have silver, just saying. And meanwhile, the Aflak Duck, he has a knowledge of insurance policies. And his weaknesses are oil spills and bad Twitter jokes. So the Aflak Duck versus Count Chocula. Normally, I believe Count Chocula is a pacifist. But in this regard, I think a chocolate vampire is definitely going to beat a duck. Do you know how it happens? Barely. I would say the duck comes to Transylvania to try to sell Chocula insurance. And maybe they want to have a sky race or something. But obviously a human or a human or a human type like Chocula is going to be a predator to a meat duck. And by the way, (speaking in foreign language) long neck, right? Oh, done. It's a good thing he's not going to say in giraffes right now. Yes. Count Chocula wins. Time to go down to the basement for some more hauntingly delicious Count Chocula cereal. Now we have Ernie Keibler from Keibler Cookies. Any old Spice Guy from Old Spice. Oh, this is easy. Man, your man should smell like it. Yeah, so Ernest J. Keibler was created in 1968 whereas the Old Spice Guy was released in 2010. And Ernie the head elf of Keibler Elves is the friendliest of the bunch. He wears a green jacket, a white shirt with a yellow tie, a red vest and floppy shoes. And the Old Spice Guy is a hunk. He doesn't wear much. He wears a towel. Until he does. Are we talking to the original guy or we're talking Terry Crews or kind of a hybrid hybrid? Oh, it's a moustafa. We're talking about moustafa. We're talking about moustafa. It's even worse if it's Terry Crews. But I think Terry Crews in the Old Spice commercials is Terry Crews. I think when you think Old Spice Guy, you think-- Isaiah Mustafa. Oh, that's right, he had a great name. I love about him. He is like a master of deception and illusions. Yes, right. I mean, look at this one. Ernie Keibler, the Old Spice Guy. No, ex-surprisingly, not the elf. Yeah. You'll look at him slip through all those scenes and he can ride a horse backwards. That's just it. So Ernie Keibler put his strengths as baking and leadership skills with his weaknesses as logging because he lives in a tree and diabetes. And then-- Not setting, somehow baking inside a tree and not setting it on fire. That's magic. Yeah. And the Old Spice Guy strengths are fast-talking, magic skills because he's able to have diamonds just appear in his hand and then his weaknesses body odor. Yeah, I would say the Axe body spray is a rival. Like that would probably make him crumble, kind of like Kryptonite. I mean, that's the weird thing. He's such a handsome man. Those are such good commercials. But at the end of the day, you smell like Old Spice spray? That's not good, man. Oh. And do we-- are we talking about which brands we like more? Because it's an ELF bunch. This was a big, not a sponsor of Old Spice deodorant. This whole episode, not a sponsor, let's just say that. OK, not a sponsor, but-- Oh, I'd rather have cookies or Old Spice deodorant. Like the ELF bunch to me or the-- I don't like ELF bunch that much. They have that little fakie taste that I go. I love it. I love it. A little wax, shortbread deal. Yeah, well, there's just something about that cookie that's just-- there's something. Give it to me and the ELF. Here's what I see happening. Ernie poisons the cookie and offers it to the Old Spice guy. Old Spice guy. Not breaking eye contact. Takes it. And then the cookie turns into Ernie because it's an ELFudge cookie. Wait, how small is Ernie here? Oh, well, he's actually waist-height. Is he? Yeah, he's waist-height to us. To whose waist? I think it was. How chocolate? No, that's way too big. But I think Old Spice guy would basically crumble him in his hands. Well, because there's no way-- I've seen those abs. There's no way he's eating that cookie. Wait, from Ernie Kibler or from Old Spice guy? Ernie has amazing abs. Almost as good as Old Spice guy. Yeah, I'm going to go with Old Spice guy on this one. I thought the same thing. The problem is I think Ernie Kuehler's a little too nice. And I see the Old Spice guy as someone who, well, can manipulate and entrain-- Oh, he's a sociopath. And then-- He doesn't blink. He doesn't. Didn't he use the white football? The actual actor. Ernie Kuehler or the Old Spice guy? The ball. I'm confused. Remember him? Clarify. Old Spice guy moves on. Hello, ladies. Look at your man. Now back to me. Now back at your man. Now back to me. Now we have Ronald McDonald. From McDonald's. And Julius Pringle. And from Pringles. Fabio. Ronald McDonald, of course, is a clown with a white face, red nose and lips with a yellow and white and red jumpsuit and big red shoes. And then Julius Pringles is a stylized cartoon character of a head of a male figure with a large mustache and parted bangs. He had his bow tie. Does he also have a bow tie or isn't that just in one of the versions? He's changed a little bit recently. You know what I found interesting is that the-- so his name is Julius Pringles. And it's because of a hoax. Because someone on Wikipedia edited his name to-- his name is Julius. And it went on like that for a while. And they created like a fake Facebook page where they kind of said his name. To the point where in 2013 Pringles kind of went, OK, it's Julius. We'll go with it. Do we feel like Ronald McDonald is kind of a warlord that everyone hates? Do we feel like everyone's going to be gunning for this guy in the bracket? Probably. But listen, your first rounder is Julius Pringles, who we are canonically giving the name Julius. Julius Pringles is very good at trapping people's hands. Is he any more than a face? OK. And I think that's-- I'm glad you said that. Because I think Julius offers a chip to Ronald McDonald. And Ronald McDonald gets his hand stuck. Like a finger trap, but with his hand. But Ronald McDonald is a magician. And he turns the can into a hammer and he crushes Julius Pringles and then puts him in the can and drinks up Julius. And I don't know if he'd drink him. He's probably crumbled. Well, you know, crumbled. You know, like how you drink the-- you basically drink the bottom of the can. Yeah. And then they get-- want to get dislodged in like you throw. He just throws it on one of his double cheeseburgers and calls it a day. It's basically French fries there. So what do you think? I think that Ronald McDonald would walk up to Julius Pringles and just say something like, you want to know how I got these scars on my aorta? Because he's dealt with them before. Yeah. And then the taco seasoning wins for sure. He's crushing the can with his big floppy red shoe. I think Julius is gone and I think Ronald McDonald wins. Joel, do you remember being young enough and having a small enough arm to get your arm all the way in the Pringles can? That was a very chubby kid, Zach. That never happened. I never did that. I used to play man-man. That's why he had children. That's why he had children, so he could. Oh, so good. Hey kids, give me some Pringles. Ronald McDonald moves on. ♪ When you believe in magic and the whole kid do ♪ Now we have Sugar Bear. From Golden Crisp Cereal. Oh, I thought it was just Joel Hilton. Oh. And Sour Patch Kids. From Sour Patch Kids. Now, is it Sugar Crisp or Golden Crisp? Well, it has changed names over time. He goes, can't get enough of my sugar, Chris. It's got the crunch with punch. I know it is Golden Crisp. Whereas Sour Patch Kids is, first they're sour, then they're sweet. Yeah, so they're little mischievous gummy candies. He is an animated bear with a turtleneck sweater. He always would like roll up his sleeves and then punch things in the Pringles. You say little, they're like knee-height, these Sour Patch Kids. There's animated commercials where they're tiny and some commercials where they're like, they're picking up like your back hair or something, but they're generally, when they're pulling pranks on you, they're shin-height. Yeah, they're quite large. They're quite large. They're quite large. They love that. If a group, if a group of shin-height-- I guess he eaten living Sour Patch Kids? Dude, you would be like, this is the best I ever. I know you're trying to murder me, but chomp. Yeah, so the Sugar Bear he was created to have a Dean Martin persona, basically easygoing. And he is known to tame wild animals in his commercials. He can ride an elephant, play a matador. It's basically, it's always him and wild animals. He always seemed a little bored while doing it. Well, he's like, he's kind of like, "What's wrong about the whole thing?" Dean Martin, which, well, he's sloshed. He faked it a lot of time I found out. Dean Martin? Yeah, he was good at that. I know. Okay. Sure he did. Anyway, I would say that too. He had Apple juice on stage. Anyway, obviously, Sugar Bear, I feel like he's holding back. I feel like nothing has been a challenge to him, so he's like, all right. We got the golden crisp, and here we go, and punch someone in the face. And there's no way the Sour Patch Kids are gonna be able to match up to him once he releases the Super Bear, which is when he takes the bite. Can I only pop out? Come on. Takes a bite of Sugar Crystal, Sugar Crystal, and becomes Super Bear. You're forgetting about the abilities of the Sour Patch Kids. Their rebels, they are pranksters. For example, a marksmanship. They're good with blades, and have cut people's hair while they sleep. They love pranks, but then they also love validation because they wanna hug after they do the bad thing. They've caused bike accidents by painting a tunnel. They'll catch wild skunks and release them upon the public. But do you know what their ultimate goal is, Kent? Their ultimate goal is to be eaten. They want to eat hugs. No, they want hugs. In the commercials, they want hugs. There was a video game of Sour Patch Kids, and the whole goal, where you fell out of the box, I think in a movie theater or something like that, and your goal was to get back in the box so you could be eaten. I wanna play this game. These are like lemmings, and I think Sugar Bear is gonna take them down. What happens if you punch a gummy child? Yeah. You know what? You get a kink or sore. That's an odd question to be asked. You get a kink or sore on your fist. Oh, that's what happens. Sore on your knuckle. You're gonna punch through 'em, but they're not gonna-- I think Sugar Bear loves Sugar, and he's gonna capture the kids, and they're gonna become friends, 'cause sometimes they're sweet. They're not animals, they can't be tamed, and then they're gonna say, swing out the vines for us. He's gonna swing out the vines, which will be cut because they're pranksters, and he'll drop to his death. Why is he swinging on vines? He's not the cocoa-crispy monkey. I know, but that bear, he does some crazy stuff. Mm, I don't agree. I think Sugar Bear is definitely that the powerhouse here in the Sour Patch Kids. I think we got the thugs and the old man. I think at the end of the day, the pranksters don't pose a real threat. They're just that. They're mischievous. They're not evil. They're actually not going to cause that big of a stink. Not saying Sugar Bear is evil, but I do think that he will overpower them eventually, and I say Sugar Bear wins. I'm glad you didn't say Sugar Bear was evil. We got some hate, right? I know. So many people. ♪ And gettin' up a super golden crisp ♪ ♪ It's got the crunch with punch, yeah ♪ Next, we have Mr. Mucus. Some use and X. And Snap Crackle and Pop from Rice Crispy. Three on one seems a little unfair, but also Mr. Mucus does have a family. Yeah, but he's just gross. He's an anthropomorphic ding. There it is again. Ball of Mucus who wears a dirty tank top, plaid pants and suspenders. Whereas Snap Crackle and Pop, one wears a chef's hat, one wears a knit sleeping cap, and one wears a drum major's military cap. So the powers of Mr. Mucus are sickness, congestion and colds, and his crimes are mass infection stalking, and he's also an accessory to vandalism to people's bodies. Whereas you have the Rice Crispies. Well, they've been superhero sometimes, but their weapons are maybe a spoon, and mostly they're clumsy. Like mostly they'll get kidnapped and they have to save each other. Pop is clumsy, but Snap is like a problem solver. Yeah. I love how we get these stories from 15 second commercials. Yeah, Crackle is a middle child, by the way. He's a jokester though. But between Mr. Mucus and Snap Crackle and Pop, what is Snap Crackle and Pop usually eaten with? Milk. What does milk cause, Mucus? I don't think they're very scared of it at all. This is their realm. They've dealt with this before. They caused it. They created it. No, here's all that needs to happen. Molded to buy it. So they're going to be making their cereal and they're going to be eating some cereal. All it needs to do is take a little dip in that milk and he's going to walk away, and he's going to wait them out. Colds are contagious. They're going to get each other sick, and he's just going to sit there. A cold. They die away. It was by the time a cold killed somebody killed. They're tiny babies. They're not tiny babies. They're tiny little babies. By the way, fun fact, the voice of Mr. Mucus is the same person who, Roger L. Jackson, who voiced Ghostface in the screen franchise. But yeah, I think the sickness is going to get to him. He's just going to wait him out or smother him because he's surprised. The door just flung open in the fourth gnome who was in the 1950s. Oh my gosh. Wow, just came in. No. Pow was poochy. Don't even know how came in. This is true. There was a fourth gnome in the 1950s named Pow, which I was like, why did they get rid of Pow? Mr. Mucus could literally just sit on them and they'll suffocate to death. No. He's not. He, they have no problem with that. They have spoons. They have utensils. They will, they will last him into oblivion. There's three on one, Kent, and they're probably all about the same size. Have you ever tried to fight Mucus? It's very difficult. You have to lean on one side when you're laying down. I love the crispy triplets or whatever they are, but they're not beating Mucus. No. I agree with you. What? I completely agree with you. Snap, crackle, and pop are getting defeated by one, Mr. Mucus. They're getting their next Snap, crackle, and pop. Whoa. Not really. Just wow. I had a gargle just cried. Wow. Jeez. No, I think, I think you just, it's a slow sludge that you just can't beat. Mr. Mucus the next wins. We'll be up. Whoa, nice. Now we have the Coca-Cola polar bears. Some Coca-Cola. And the Jolly Green Giant. From the Green Giant Green Peas. Oh, this is, this is a, this is a bad first round matchup. This is, this is an all timer for me. It's fantastic, because it's like a final rounder. These are two, these are two heavy hitters. This is a bummer. So the Coca-Cola Bears are big, adorable polar bears who are red scarves and make you want to cuddle up with a polar bear. Very seasonal. Till you realize that you're going to die if you do so. Uh-huh. And the Jolly Green Giant, he's a giant with a leafy suit. Is it a toga? And a big smile, kind of yeah. Yeah. He was actually created. The Jolly Green Giant was because they had a new, they found a new brand of peas, or like a new type of variety of peas that's what I'm looking for. That were bigger and a little different shaped. And people didn't want to buy them. And so they're like, well, instead of like hiding from what these peas are, let's call them like green giants. And then they decided to make it the Jolly Green Giant to make it even happier. So the powers and abilities of the polar bears are strong bite and strength. And also polar bears do hunt bigger prey, like narwhals, beluga whales, and adult walruses. And they feed on berries, toad stools, moths, grasses, and seaweeds. Whereas the strength of the Jolly Green Giant, he's 55.5 feet tall. And he has giant strength, but also slow speed. I don't know why he says ho-ho-ho, but, you know-- Ho-ho. Hey, you know what? He says ho-ho-ho-ho Santa Claus. Oh, that's tying together. They're the same person. Listen, we got rid of the Charmin Bears. And I refuse to get rid of these bears. It's a literal giant, Kent. OK, let me tell you what. Wilting leaves, OK? He's bad in cold weather. You know what's bad for plants? Why is it cold, Kent? We're in an octagon with a cage on it. We are not in our own pool. Listen, it doesn't need to be cold. They fall off a nice bird. And polar bears don't do good in heat, boom. Have you seen Lost? I have. We're doing well. Yeah, we've got shot. The Green Giant, he's made out of plants. Polar bears eat grasses, mosses, and seaweeds. And bears, are they going to climb any trees? They sure are. You bears, in general. But you're not factoring in that we are dealing with diabetic bears that float around on ice. How much color-- No, listen, color bears. But they have the advantage. We have a giant that's low on iron. And bears that just drink a ton of caffeine. Right, you're not factoring that in. If they climb up his legs and just put their nails in, boom, actually, they're biting through the Achilles tendon of the Green Giant, he's going down. Oh, you spike in through the neck. And they're biting through the neck. Go on. Sweet, naive, Kent. What in the commercials? What are the polar bears so in awe by when they crack open their colas and they look up to the roar of Borealis? What color are they? Green. Actually, they're gray. That was proven by you. [INTERPOSING VOICES] They're green in the commercials. And you better believe-- Yeah, and guess what? They're going to walk up. Do you know why? They're going to see the Jolly Green Giant. They're going to look up at them and be like, oh, crack open a cold and cook a cold and start drinking it. And the Jolly Grands are going to be like, oh, oh, oh, stop. Oh, please. They're distracted by the greenness. Hey, healthy giant versus a bear with a drinking problem? It's not-- it's cold. [LAUGHS] It's called a cold. Jolly Green Giant wins. I say the polar bears, because they have claws. They're rough. This is a gentle pacifist giant. OK, Zach recently got scratched by a cat. Is he dead? No, he's uncomfortable but he's not dead. You may have to game the system because this may be-- He's going to tell him the green giant is ticking out. If he wanted to kill the cat, he probably could have. Don't. But he didn't. Good. But I think the Jolly Green Giant-- That's my cat. The Coca-Cola bears are too chill. They're just too chill. Ah. Oh, my gosh. Now, give me the health net over the Coke addict. Wow. The Jolly Green Giant moves on. [MUSIC PLAYING] And next, we have Wendy. From Wendy's. And Charlie the Tuna. From Starkiss Tuna. Yeah. So Starkiss Tuna, sort of Charlie, was introduced in 1961. Wendy, like she's constantly been characterized as the nice girl and sympathetic. But then, since like the memes with the internet and I guess the social media, Wendy's been seen as like a bit arrogant and sarcastic. Yeah, so she's got red hair fashion in two pigtails with blue bows on the end. She wears a blue and white striped shirt. And then Charlie the Tuna is a New York accident beat Nick wearing a beret and thick glasses. And the joke of Charlie the Tuna is he sits there and says, oh, Starkiss looking for Tuna's with good taste. And I've got excellent taste. And they have to tell him, sorry, Charlie, it's not that. It's not that they want Tuna with good taste. They want Tuna that tastes good. Yeah. And they have to remind him of that every time. Basically, he's inviting people to eat Tuna, his own kind. And I think that's what's going to happen. He invites Wendy to say, hey, come eat some Tuna. And Wendy's going to say, I'm actually going to make a new Tuna sandwich. So yeah, that'd be great. And he shows her, hey, here's where you can get him. And she throws him into a meat press and fryer. And then I'll be ordering the number eight Tuna melt with vanilla frosty, please. Yeah, I'm going to give this one to Wendy as well. Charlie is just a very ignorant fish. He's a strong swimmer. But the truth is, I think Wendy has experienced catching fish, strikes me as that type of gal. And I think she's going to be able to catch Charlie pretty quickly, especially since he keeps thinking they want good taste. Right, over and over again. You lost me at a Tuna melt from Wendy's. You know how many people are getting sick off that? Yeah, me too. All right, Charlie. A word with vanilla frosty after, oh. I wouldn't mind that. Wendy wins. Years ago, my dad started a hamburger chain and named it after me. Now we have flow from progressive insurance. And Mr. Clean from Mr. Clean. Procter and Gamble made a product called Mr. Clean. So flow is portrayed by Stephanie Courtney, the actress, since 2008. And Mr. Clean was introduced in 1958. And flow is an extremely upbeat personality with a brilliant white uniform heavy makeup and a retro hairstyle, whereas Mr. Clean is a muscular tan bald man who cleans things very well. He hates dirt, it's the only thing that makes him frown. Now, one thing I've noticed about Mr. Clean is he's kind of supernatural. You know those movies where ghosts just appear in reflective surfaces or mirrors? I think he can teleport. I think that's how he appears, right? OK. I think there's anything shiny. Like if you want to beat him, you need to destroy every mirror and everything that reflects. Otherwise, he's coming in the house. Or make everything really dirty, right? Here's the thing. You notice that everything flow is in. Usually this bright, white, clean atmosphere. And I think that's kind of Mr. Clean's domain. But also, don't you think flow is probably like secretly a sure killer? Like the way she smiles, she's dead in the eyes. And she wants you to be dead. I find it amazing that she's become such an iconic character. I've seen people dress up for hers Halloween, and I love it. I love that a brand mascot like that has become so iconic that I come like, oh, yeah. And it's a recent thing. Yeah. It was so confusing when I was watching Mad Men. And she's in the show. But it's the same vibe as well. Yeah. That's why you got flow. I think she's got some spunk in her as well. But I think Mr. Clean's going to take this one. I think he-- also, the original model for Mr. Clean was a United States Navy sailor from Florida. And some of the commercials have referred to Mr. Clean as a genie. Yeah, but he's not a genie. He's not a genie. No, not a genie. They've referred to him as I'm just saying. He looks like a genie, but he doesn't have genie powers. And appear out of nowhere, and he's bald. But listen, he's going to destroy her, and blood will flow. Oh, Mr. Clean cleans her clock and everyone that's in it. Yeah, no, I think Mr. Clean wins this easily. Oh, sorry, flow. I mean, I like flow better, but-- I'm surprised you didn't go with the flows. [LAUGHTER] All right, good job, Mr. Clean. Mr. Clean gets rid of dirt and dirt and dirt and greasing just a minute. Now, wow, we have Orville Reddenbacher-- From Orville Reddenbacher popcorn. And Toucan Sam from Fruit Loops. Now, Orville Reddenbacher is an older man with hormone glasses and a bow tie, whereas Toucan Sam is a friendly and wise British Toucan with blue feathers and a colorfully striped nose. And Orville is just the founder of the company, right? He is, and then there's some advertising executives decided to tell him, hey, you should be the face of this product as well. And I remember seeing him at commercial thinking, he seems nice. I will buy his popcorn. So the powers of Toucan Sam as he exhibits the ability to smell fruit loops from great distances, basically, he says, follow my nose, it always knows. The powers are really just sense of smell, because I was looking up the bill of a Toucan. And essentially, it's just like fingernail of hardness. Yeah, it's keratin. And basically, that makes up the hair and nail of humans. And that's all the Toucan's because it's actually not very powerful. So it's used for smelling, not for attacking. But here's the problem, Ken. Orville Redenbockers by making popcorn for how long? Even postmortem? Long time. That smell of popcorn, the buttery smell of popcorn, is all over him. There's nowhere he can hide. See, I like that. But also, you think Orville's going to use that as a weakness. He's going to use it as a strength. He's going to dry out Sam with this amazing buttery popcorn smell and get a little fruity flavoring to it. Sam's going to fly into this thing all of a sudden. Foil over the top. He's in a tin foil cage. And it's getting really hot under him. Pop goes the birdie. No, see the way I see it playing out is Orville Redenbockers trying to get away, trying to trap him. He keeps finding him. And then finally, they get to a point where they're at each other's throats. And all of Redenbockers is going to go get him. But oh, arthritis wins again. And Toucan Sam destroys him. Listen, humans are a natural predator to Toucan's. I'm looking to try and validate Ken's argument, where he somehow fruit flavored his popcorn. I'm dancing their brand. White cheddar, nacho cheese, ranch, movie theater, cinnabon, and buffalo wild-wing sauce. Are you saying that Kent is making up facts just to get his case put forward? Oh, you're saying there can't be a different flavor of popcorn? Not for all of them. He's an old fashioned guy. Savory only. That's what you're going to base it up? I looked up his strengths. Kent, his strengths, Orville Redenbocker, is creating hybrid strains of popcorn. That's it. Have you seen a picture of Orville Redenbocker? But do you think he doesn't know how to manage hot oil? If it's a fight to the death, is he not using hot oil? Where is he getting a hot oil, Kent? He's-- I mean, he's got to use his strengths. Where is he going to get from? His pockets. His hot oil in his pockets? Yes. I don't see him. How are birds most often taken out by a human? Guns. Have you seen a picture of Orville Redenbocker? Yes. Does he strike you as a proponent of the Second Amendment? I think he's just a big old nerd. And he's not a hunting guy. And I think-- I don't think he's going to be hard to take out. I think this is too cansam. Just follow my nose. Don't always know. And now we have the noite. From Domino's Pizza. Avoid the noite. And Twinkie the Kid. From Twinkies. Do you remember Twinkie the Kid? Does anyone know Twinkie the Kid? I do. Twinkie the Kid. So he's an anthropomorphized Twinkie appearing as a Wrangler. He wears boots, gloves, a kerchief, and a 10-gallon hat. Whereas the noite is clad in a red, skin-tight, rabbit-eared bodysuit with a black end and scribes on a white circle on his chest. So Twinkie the Kid does have the lasso as part of his weapon. He's good at lassoing. I've seen him lassoing. He thinks and even create words with his lasso. Do we want to go into the history of the noite, the controversy of the noite? Did you look into that? I did. I think we've actually talked about it before here. I'll just say there's a reason Domino stopped using the noite. Because some crazy person-- There's a hostage situation. There's a message with him, yeah. Yeah, so it's pretty crazy. So the noite, though, I mean, he's just really, really annoying. Yes. And I think that's the purpose of him. But he does have unpredictability and chaos. He's a mischief guy. But he always tries using tech to destroy, in the commercials, a box of pizza. So the box of pizza closes, and he wants to destroy it. Well, he wanted to stop Domino from getting to where they needed to go in 30 minutes or less. But guess how he's defeated? The cardboard box lifts and knocks him out in every commercial. It's a like cardboard box, and he's destroyed, and he's made out of clay. So nothing's really going to happen there. Whereas-- Speaking, the kid has made out of a Twinkie. You can never kill a Twinkie. I'll poo set it. That is a lie. I mean, seriously, Twinkie's going to outlast. That's-- Anyway, his observation and out. I have an expiration date. I think Noid has the technology, and he's going to try to suck the lifeblood out of the back of the three holes of Twinkie the kid. Is the cream the lifeblood? Yes. I like that. Kool-Aid man's with Kool-Aid. He's just flavored by the cream. He is the sponge, right? Sure, but it's his blood. Yeah, but it's just open wounds. And he has open wounds? Oh, ew. Anyways, but any time-- I think I'm more like a belly button. Any time the Noid has technology, it's not going to work. And because the Twinkie the kid can use the lasso and just tie him up. I'm going to agree with you again, because The Noid is essentially the wily coyote of the Domino's Pizza franchise. He never gets his way. He never wins. And I don't think it's going to be the same with Twinkie the kid who, from what I can tell, can ride a horse and throw a lasso, which is all you need to avoid the Noid. Did Twinkie the kid ever-- did he make the return of Hostess? Maybe they lost him in the bankruptcy. Yeah, they may have. Because over there, we're ding-dong somewhere. We'll find out, because Twinkie the kid moves on. I'll stop it. Twinkie the kid. [SCREAMS] Now we have punchy from Hawaiian Punch. Punchy, that's all I could do. Yeah. OK. And that's how I get when I'm hungry. That's sure. And the Geico Gekko from Geico. Now, punchy is short with red hair that curls up really high. Wait, is it red hair? What is that? I don't know. Is it a growth or red hair? Because underneath, you can see a little bit of hair. I'm not sure what's going on there. It might be a hat. But then I never knew. But he has a blue and white shirt. I think it's just a big scab. [LAUGHS] Gross, kid. It is a hat. It's almost like a straw hat. Is that what it is? Yes. Because the mascot in 2011 was rendered in three dimensions. And he has brown hair. Interesting. Meanwhile, Geico Gekko is a bipedal anthropomorphic gold dust day Geico with large black eyes and a cockney accent. By the way, his first name is Mark Martin. How cute is that? Mark Martin. So male gold dust day Geico's are quite aggressive towards other males. But the commercials of Hawaiian Punch. We've all seen them, even though Hawaiian Punch is gross. How about a nice Hawaiian Punch? Yes, but he asks. And the guy goes, yes. And then he punches them. So basically, no consent, no punch. I think it's elderly abuse. You know who's not doing elderly abuse? Geico, they're taking care of your elders. I think Geico is going to be really aggressive towards punchy. Have you ever seen that Geico be aggressive to anything? I think he talks him down. He basically talks like this, then. I know, but wouldn't you not want to punch that guy? You couldn't punch a guy with glasses. But then what's he going to do on offense? He can climb walls, or on the cage, if it's just a cage death mat. He has not shown any sort of aggression whatsoever. Punchy is known for punching people in the face. But guess what? Punchy is erratic, right? Punchy is a little insane. And that Geico is going to jump onto Punchy's face. And Punchy is going to try to take himself out. Geico jumps, and he punches himself. Wait, so he's going to ask himself, do I want a nice Hawaiian Punch? And he's going to say yes to himself, and then punch himself. Probably he's kind of a dork. Listen. Geico, the Geico guy, well, he has dabbled in stand-up comedy. OK? He's a stand-up comedian. And they're about the same size, right? If you look at it, they're roughly the same size. He's the size of the class. Look at the commercials. OK, his size is very inconsistent. In some, he's holding a bottle of Hawaiian Punch. In others, he's standing next to a can of Hawaiian. I saw it. I just saw one. He was half the size of the glass. See, Punchy, he's a little too toxic. I think he's a little too aggressive. And I think it's going to work against him, because he's not the smartest. And I think the hat obstructs his vision. I think Geico, Geico, Geico, Geico, will push the hat over his face, and he's going to punch himself in the face. You know, I'll get a pint in the Geico. He'll get it. He'll get it taken care of. Cockney guy. I'm saying Punchy's taking it. No, I think it's cool. It's a cucumber. Geico, Geico. I'm going to British Geico, and I'm going to get punched, and I'm going to die in this splat of the ground. No. Plus, I'm pretty sure that Geico Geico has got some friends that can help him out. He probably knows some CD fellas. Gex, for example, from PlayStation. Remember that? For no logical reason, Geico, Geico, Geico, Geico moves on. Come on. Punchy punches people with permission. So anyway, I've been to a lot of places. You know, I've helped a lot of people. Save a lot of money. Now we have the brawny man. From brawny paper towels. And Chester Cheetah. He wears sunglasses. That's my description right here. From Cheetah's obviously. Guys, let me ask you a question. When you think of the brawny man, what image comes to mind? What does he look like, face-wise? If I had to be as descriptive as possible, Hugh Jackman. Merlin Olson. Who's that? From Little House on the Prairie. Oh. It's totally generational. He has his look as a softened substantially. He used to be like blonde with a mustache. And I thought, in my mind, he was just that burly kind of black bearded man. By the way, it's currently a brawny woman. What? Is she fighting or are we doing the brawny man? Brawny man. I mean, it's fine. OK. And it's interesting. I watch a lot of the commercials for brawny. Brawny man doesn't generally show up. Brawny man just shows up on the branding for the commercial. Because usually people clean up big spills. And they kind of show a close up of this fruit punch, for example, or punchy's blood. They just get soaked up in the paper towel. And they just show brawny man on the packaging. And that's pretty much it. Sometimes they show to be a giant outside the window. Sometimes there will be just a strong man in the kitchen. But they rarely ever show him. Whereas Chester Cheetah, he first appeared in 1986. Powers are dancing. He isn't just dance for. A vehicular control in his commercials. And he's cool, cute, sweet, crazy, heroic, and peaceful. Except for in the original Cheetos commercials, he was kind of a bumbling idiot, a clumsy idiot. Well, that's me. Who always tried to get Cheetos. And then once he had a Wylie Coyote type, he would try to get a tricks rabbit. Is that what we're saying? Yeah, he'd reach for it and then fall off a cliff. Or he'd reach for it and then hit by a car. Like, he'd never get-- he'd try to get the Cheetos and then all that stuff. That's the way they changed that. I don't know. Now, from being bumbling to being swab. So the Brony Man did have an axe up until the '70s, and they took it away. I guess like, test groups didn't like it. I think he has an axe, though. I think he's a full-blown lumberjack. I'm looking at 1976 Brony Man, and he looks like he's part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor. He really looks right at a Star Wars. Yeah, it's really strange. Yeah, I kind of like that, what's that movie? Jeremiah Johnson type. So I'm standing on the-- Yeah, kinda. And then Chester Cheetah, I think he has endurance, he has persistence, but he can't follow through. And so I'm giving this one to the Brony Man. Cheetahs are fast, though, but they are the weakest of the big cats. How? Yeah, that's with the bone strain. As far as fighting. Oh. They have small canine teeth and weaker jaws than the other cats. Cute. And they could run really fast, but then they have to take like, really long breaks. Kind of like you. Yeah. Yeah, I'm actually exhausted right after that break. And so I do think like if the Brony Man has an axe or even if he doesn't, like he's not gonna be able to catch up, like in a foot race, but his axe will catch up. And Chester Cheetah's head is gigantic. Yes. It's gonna be split like a melon. Oh, Kent, that got a little graphic. The Brony Man, the 2003 and on Brony Man. He doesn't look like he can count very high, but he's got a really wide neck, he's a strong guy. I think I'm gonna take him. All right, yeah, Brony Man wins. Five Brony. Now we have the helping hand. From hamburger helper. And Mr. Peanut. From planter's Peanuts. And so helping hand is a four finger left hand white glove with his face on the palm and a red spherical nose. And then Mr. Peanut is an anthropomorphic peanut in a shell wearing the formal clothing of an old fashioned gentleman with a top hat, monocle white glove, spats and cane. I wanna point something out here is that the helping hand, he's left handed. Which means one of his weaknesses is right handed devices. Anything in that cage is right handed, he's kind of an issue with. And then Mr. Peanut, he's a dandy, you know, he has style, but he's also not created driving as the fact that they killed him off with him driving his car. He faked his own death though. No, he came back as baby nut. Yeah, but everyone knew it was him basically being reincarnated. Because he can regrow. And I would say Mr. Planter's weakness is probably foot traffic at Texas Roadhouse. Yeah, here's how I see it going. So this is why they say he placed in the Texas Roadhouse? Yeah, here's how I see it going. I don't know if I can snap a peanut with one hand. And so I think helping hand won't really have any luck there, especially 'cause that's his face. But I think he'd try to punch it. You know, kind of like the floating hand and Super Smash Brothers. I think he'd try to punch Mr. Peanut. Master hand. But guess what, if he came down like with the palm, Mr. Peanut does have that cane and there is a giant nose and there are eyes that he could stick the cane right into and stop women's tracks. Kind of like Gamork in the never-ending story. But at the same time, helping hand has four fingers and Mr. Peanut has 10. But I think Mr. Peanut's gonna take-- He went solely on number of fingers. Really? It really makes a difference. Finger number? He's a four-fingered left-handed hand. And he has a weapon. The helping hand or Mr. Peanut? No, Mr. Peanut. XC is the cane. I think that big nose for helping hand is working against him too. You know, it's funny. Helper, what is it? Helper, whatever his name is? Lefty. Helping hand? We gotta give him a name. Lefty. It's Lefty. He's right-handed. He's holding the spoon in the thumb. Oh, because his thumb is his hand. So he adds a left hand who is right-handed. That's mind blowing. Confusing. (chuckles) Honestly, all Mr. Peanut has to do is get a splinter in one of those fingers and he's all hand. So it's gonna be very unpleasant experience. He looks soft and squishy and easy to beat. Mr. Peanut wins. Get to know Mr. Peanut. Eat your planters. Now we have duo? Oh, the most hated mascot. Duo lingo. And Lucky the leprechaun. From Lucky Charms. An adored mascot. So Duo, the owl, is an animated green owl on the app duo. With judging eyes. And he's the one who will tell you you need to get your streak. You need to not lose your streak on Duo lingo. You keep learning those languages on that app. And in the memes online, he will impromptu with a knife. Well, yeah, I think his powers and skills are daily training. You know, he likes that trash talking hot temper OCD. Denication. In a 2024 April Fool's Day skit. In a mix of English and Spanish, he had duo advanced to having an appetite for human flesh. And if the user failed to continue the streak, he would eat their head like a praying mantis. Wow. Duo, take it easy. What did it happen is my question. Is he all talk? Because as far as I can tell, he just stares at you. So. His weakness is battery life. So, and that's just it. So Lucky the leprechaun, one of his weaknesses, he's meant to be only 11 years old. He's like the youngest member of a family. Is that leprechaun years? Maybe. But here's the thing. 11 year olds, they're iPad kids. And there's an app on an iPad, which is Duolingo. And one of the powers of Lucky is light magic. And he's going to use that light magic to overheat this app mascot and basically implode him. I don't know if I agree with that, but I do agree with the fact that Lucky the leprechaun has luck on his side and duo being an owl. But he's so mean. Duo is. Duo is. He's dedicated and he's aggressive. And what does Lucky do? He's just trying to steal things and run away. Does he get away as the question? Yeah, but I mean, but it's almost running. Have you seen the movie leprechauns? Leprechauns can be mean when provoked. This isn't one of those. He's not, but he does have light magic, shrinkability, rainbow magic and telekinesis. Telekinesis? Yeah. What has he moved with his mind? Milk. What? Yeah, literally. Oh goodness. I don't see the owl duo, duo of the owl surviving this battle. I think it's going to be lucky to leprechauns. Simply the fact that. Lucky to leprechauns can get his revenge on us. Has been around a very long time and duo has not. And won't be around for long. Because you're green? Oh yeah. OK. All right. Are you mad? Are you upset? Yeah, I am. I mean, I love Lucky Charms, but I don't know about this. I mean, I'm kind of partial to Marshmallow Mates, but that's OK. There we go. Because they're cheaper. Yeah, all the serial portions better. Save it for our multi-meal versus name brand episode. We've been talking about for years. We've been talking about it for a long time. All right. Lucky to leprechaun wins. Always thought to be lucky Charms. Now keeping it in the serial realm, we have Tony, the tiger, from Frosted Flakes and Jack in the Box. From Jack in the Box. Cool. Tony, the tiger is an anthropomorphic tiger with a kerch there on his neck. Death rattle facts for Jack. I was going to say just tell me Jack in the Box. He debuted in 1994. He is named after his father's favorite type of cheese. He was the high school class clown and had a significant, significant crush. And he always fought with his rival, Brock Anderson. His powers and skills are leadership, his nose and poker skills. And he's the founder and chairman of Jack in the Box. Kim. Although, yes. Who has killed more actual people, Frosted Flakes or Jack in the Box? Have you ever gotten Frosted Flakes stuck in your throat? Not recently. I'd say too soon, but that's the joke that will never die. I was like back in the '90s, '93. Yeah. Yeah. Because people sadly did pass away from me. Cola, it was a whole disaster Jack in the Box, took a long time for them to recover from. Yeah. But Jack in the Box, he's an explosive expert, Kent. No, he's been exploded. No, he got exploded, and then he reappeared in '19... Yeah. What, like... 15 years later? The explosiveness is... He blows up the boardboard. Oh, no, listen. The explosiveness is what happened after you... Tony the Tiger assumed Jack in the Box. Isn't that the... All he needs to do is tie a rope to the hat of Jack in the Box, which is stuck to his head. Tetherball. No. Jack in the Box is gone. No. You know what Tony the Tiger's weakness is? Milk. He goes soggy in, like, two seconds. No. He's got that... No, no, no. He's got that coating on the outside. Nice and crisp for a long period. No, he does not. Have you had it? I feel like you've never actually had frosted flakes. I love frosted flakes. It gets so soggy. It's like, "Hey, would you like some sugary cardboard?" No. There's no cereal on here that definitely gets soggy. You're faster. Yeah, but Tony the Tiger wins. Tony the Tiger wins. Oh, come on. Oh, I've got him in close. Fine. Jack in the Box is an explosive expert. That's great. They're great. Now we have Trix Rabbit. From Trix cereal. And Chuck E. Cheese. From Chuck E. Cheese. He stands for entertainment. Yeah, Charles Entertainment Cheese. So Chuck E. Cheese is about 25 years old, apparently, like in his character is 25 years old. He's been around for a much longer. Actually. He's 25. He's 25. And he's hanging around. He is a Hello fellow kids kind of guy. Yeah, exactly. Wow. Whereas at Trix Rabbit, he debuted in 1959. His powers and skills are disguising. He never gives up and vehicular mastery. Whereas the powers and skills of Chuck E. Cheese are instruments. He has a robotic skeleton. He's six feet tall and is menacing stare. I found out, did you find out Chuck E. Cheese's backstory when you were reading this? A go on. It's kind of sad. From the official backstory of Chuck E. Cheese, apparently he's an orphan who never had his own birthday. So instead he fills the void by hosting birthday parties for every other everyone else. He's like Michael Scott. And what is the Trix cereal rabbit good at? But disguise. So he's going to dress up his little kid who just wants a birthday party and wants tricks at his birthday party. And Chuck E. Cheese will be like, oh yeah, we can totally do that. Here. Let my band play. And then Trix Rabbit's going to walk up behind him, stabby stabby dead mouse. He's a robot animatronic stabby stabby dead mouse. No, he's got robotic vision infrared vision. He knows there's a rabbit under that disguise. It's not five nights. It's going to be late at night. Trix rabbit. He'll be like, because he's like really stretchy. Chuck E. Cheese is going to grab him, wrap him up in guitar strings and start playing. I'm just saying. I've seen Chuck E. Cheese's fail more than I've seen Trix cereal fail. Who are you more afraid of remember when we went to Chuck E. Cheese and he was right behind us? You were a little scared. A little scared. Yeah. But now he's gone as a fan of electronic dance music. I would love to see a dead mouse, but I and by the way, Trix rabbit has only ever got his way twice in his long standing history. He always generally fails, only got his way because the audience voted that they wanted him to finally get cereal. Because the audience loves a winner or all no, he always fails and they felt bad. Chuck E. Cheese was on top of the world for a while. The plight of the Trix rabbit has drawn comparisons to Sisyphus, a Greek figure who is doomed to endlessly repeat a futile task of pushing a rock. Trix rabbit. Children are his enemy. Chuck E. Cheese. Children are his best friends. Chuck E. Cheese is from California, but his dad is from Utah. What? Nolan Bushnell. The founder of Atari, who the founder of Atari, Nolan Bushnell started, started Chuck E. Cheese. And the reason his name is Chuck E. Cheese is because you have to smile when saying it. Okay. So Zach, you have to decide who wins in this fight. I'm going to go with the Trix rabbit. Okay. Trix rabbit. No logic, but okay. Well, no, it just goes down to I'm not scared of the Chuck E. Cheese. He's a mouse. He's not crazy. He's a six foot tall mouse. Sometimes. Trix rabbit wins. Sweet. Colorful. Bursting with fruity flavor. Next up, we have Kent Dunn. Oh, sorry. Hold on. Sorry. Snuggle Bear. Yeah. Snuggle fabric softener and the Burger King from Burger King. Oh boy. So the Snuggle Bear, Snuggle is his name. He debuted in 1983 and the Burger King. He first appeared on a sign in 1955, but the commercials we know and we're kind of weirded out by. Because they ran from 2003 to 2011. It's funny because that the creepy king, they say that they removed him because the character quote scared away women and children from the chain. Yeah, because because they were going to Burger King and snuggle bear. He's just the cutest little bear. He makes things soft and fluffy. Is he so frail because he's not a bear? He's a teddy bear. Like they say, he's a teddy bear, not a white bear. He is a teddy bear, but his weapons, he does have a towel, but in 2001 and 2002, snuggle sent out like snuggle bear teddy bears and they were choking hazards because the night caps and noses came out. Whereas the Burger King, Zach, you're going to say, look at the Burger King. You tell me that that guy hasn't snapped a towel before because creeping, stalking, breaking and entering and stealth are his powers. His hobbies are he's a king. His weakness, he's prideful, right? I'm going to say his weaknesses is sales. Wow. See, but here's what happens. I think the Creeper King is so dirty. Just like the inside of a Burger King, I think snuggle bear will just collapse. Just faint. I just because the snuggle bear so gentle and cute. And my that's the thing is, in my mind, snuggle bear is just pleading with the King to not kill him as he's dropping him in a washing machine and turning on the water. Oh, no, I could go wrong temperature, wrong temperature is going to shrink him and ruin snuggle bear. Oh, I've also seen the Burger King play football runs very fast. You imagine if you if you wash them with the towels that they wash the Burger King tables with? Oh, they don't wash those. Allegedly, allegedly, no, I think the Burger King wins here pretty easily and now the most interesting man in the world from Dose Ecky's beer and M&M's so red and yellow is kind of what we're going to throw. Yeah, I think the main two. Yeah. Not green. Oh, the cool blue one. You know, green is cool, but red and yellow are kind of like, you know, the odd couple. They're the staples, right? Which one was voiced by John Lovitz and one was voiced by John Goodman for a while. Well, interesting because the most interesting man in the world was portrayed by Jonathan Goldsmith that ran from 2006. And I will say his character ran from 2006 to 2016. He retired and then they're like, oh, we're going to do this with another actor. It only lasted two years because that guy is so cool because he's like, uh, stay the interesting. Yeah. But is the joke, the Chuck Norris joke. I wonder. I wonder if the Dose Ecky's beer guy is the most if he's all talk because for example, his powers are he frees bears from traps surfing bench pressing to women on benches, trick shots beats a Fidel Castro on an arm wrestle. Here's a quote. He's a lover, not a fighter, but he's also a fighter. So don't get any ideas. And he also says it's never too early to start beefing up your obituary. He's a fish. That big kind of guy. Yeah. But he's proved it apparently early is legend in his stories. I feel like this is a big fish kind of thing where he's telling the stories. He has no proof. He has no proof. He did any of that. I think he's all talk. But when he sees, no, listen, he sees two giant M&M's are walking and talking giant heart attack giant. What have you seen them next to Santa Claus? They're not that big. They're not size of M&M's. What is the most interesting man look like an old man? What does he have? A beard. Light-colored beard at the mere sight of Santa Claus. Red faints. I'm not worried. I'm not worried about the M&M's here. The most interesting man. The Dosek Eastman. He might be fiving. What is the M&M going to do? When the most interesting man in the world is in the room, M&M's do melt in your hand. That's exactly what the commercials would say. No, it's two of them. And they're going to beat up on this old guy who's going to tell the story later about how he's headed. Even if they drop on his head. When they can do drop on his temples and knock him out, it's not going to happen. The old guy's jacked. No. Don't knock off M&M so quickly. I know I'm so sorry. Iconic mascot. But what are they doing in a fight? Melting. Nothing. They're the most interesting man in the world. Stay thirsty, my friends. Now we have the Quaker Oats man from the silo of oatmeal you have in your house. And the Michelin man. His name is Babendium. It's Babendium. Babendium. Yeah. Babendium. Babendium the Michelin man. Yeah. So the Quaker Oats man, he actually resembles someone named William Penn and was a Quaker back in 19. Well, he was early. But in 1909, they kind of said William Penn is our mascot. So he's just walking away from it. These two are cool. Yeah. He found a Pennsylvania. Or you know, Quaker Oats has walked that back and they say, well, it's not a specific Quaker. Because they don't want to pay the estate. These are the two oldest mascots we have on the list and it's funny that they're facing each other. This particular Oats man introduced in 1877, Babendium was introduced in France in 1894. He's a humanoid consisting of stacked white tires. Yes. As powers are durability, of course, right? He's a little bumbling sometimes, kind of jovial, but he's made out of tires. But it also says in his description, he's a lord of industry, a master of all these surveyed and a patronic exponent of the French spirit. Don't you love that? Now the thing about Quakers, they're not Puritans. They are very peaceful. Yes. In fact, they avoid violence at all costs. And they actually call each other a friend. A friend. So if the Quaker Oats man, if he has a pitchfork, is that going to help him against a tire man? Maybe although the-- It's a lot of tires though. The Bentham can withstand a lot of road hazards. By the way, his name comes from the slogan Nunk Est Babendium, which means now is the time to drink. So that's the thing. He's kind of surly. Well, because originally they came to this artist and they said, hey, we want to make this guy made of tires, what do you got? And he had an image he already created for a Munich brewery, that was hard to say. And that was what it said is Nunk Est Babendium, now is the time to drink, which makes a lot more sense. So on one hand, you have a pacifist. And on the other, you have a guy who judges restaurants. I just finished watching the bear. Those guys are mean. The Michelin Star. The Michelin Star guy. Yeah, there it is. Well played. Because by the way-- Well played. Same company. What? Don't Michelin stars? Why are tire people raiding food? Same company. Why are people drinking from this? Stand the cup. No. Does it make sense? But in between these two, I see Michelin men going ahead and winning this one. He's resilient. He's, like I said, a master of all he's surveyed in the Lord of Industry, and I just feel like the Quaker. Wait, seriously, the Lord of Industry is rolling right over our old ways? The roll dotes. Oh. Yeah. Because even though the Quaker's man has honesty, integrity, purity and strength, he does not have this match. I agree. And with that, but Ben Diem moves on. Michelin, a better way forward. And next we have, this is the match I'm so happy about. Oh. This is the one I'm so happy about. OK, take your kids out of the room. Yeah. I mean, we already have one beer guy going on, one in another way. OK, we have Spuds Mackenzie from Bud Light. Is that the target dog? No. Kind of though, eventually. Yeah. And then Joe Camel from Camel Cigarettes. So cool. Spuds was Spuds debuted in 1987. Didn't last very long. And Joe Camel debuted in 1974, lasted a little bit longer. I would say the weakness of these two is the government. Well, because, yeah, both these mascots were kind of accused of targeting young people. Like the use of a dog or the use of this cartoon camel, and look at what the game was on. Well, like in the camel really did. Kids did have the awareness of this mascot. Spuds Mackenzie is a bull terrier that wears Hawaiian shirts and sunglasses. And Joe Camel is an anthropomorphic camel who smokes cigarettes. But he doesn't have a hump or hooves or tail. He's like a muscular humanoid with a camel's head. And he's usually like a masculine pose in a tuxedo surrounded by women or in a bar. Yeah. It's a whole thing. Listen, I don't drink or smoke. But if I did, I'd probably have Bud Light in a pack of camels. Because I grew up in the era of seeing these ads. Yeah. How? What a terrible idea. You're right. One, the journal of the American Medical Association found that Joe Camel and the Disney Channel logo were recognized equally among six year old Wow, high students were more familiar with him than adults. And that camel's market share among youth smokers had sharply risen like brand awareness for Joe Camel. Definitely from kids. What kind of students? What kind of students? High school students. Okay. Well, okay. Originally, you said high students. Did I? Yeah. Since they're smoking. It really is just about what causes more damage to your body. Well, and I'm going to say it's cigarettes. Even though I think the camel is a little more overpowered than the dog, I think they're fighting outside the nation's capital because they're both inside of hearing that the Senate is going after them. I think there's liquid courage for Spuds McKenzie to take a bite out of Joe's neck. By the way, on a kind of a more somber note, the dog that was playing Spuds McKenzie was a female bull terrier. That's right. Spuds McKenzie girl. What a controversy of the time. Yeah. Named Honey Tree Evil Eye. That was the name of the dog. Someone in the dog. Honey Tree Evil Eye. Guess how the real dog died? Kidney failure. Kidney failure. In 1993. Oh. And it's a Bud Light dog. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. And they did retire Spuds in 1989 saying the characters image had started to overshadow the product. I will admit that I think my brother had a Spuds McKenzie shirt because it was a cool dog and a wine shirt. Yeah. I think Joe Camel is hideous looking. I hate the designs. I hate the ads. And I do think the beer dog is going to take out the cigarette camel. And they chose the camel because they use Turkish tobacco. And that's one of the reasons they chose it. But I also feel like much like the most interesting man in the world, Joe Camel's all talk. I feel like sometimes Joe Camel is like a greaser. Yeah. Like he was like a tea bird. Sometimes he's like risky business. Tom Cruise. Yeah. Hi. But I do think Spuds McKenzie is going to take this round. Spuds McKenzie moves on. Now we have Buzzbee from Honey Nut Cheerios and Mr. Owl from Tootsie Roll Pops. One. I hate Mr. Owl so why do you hate Mr. Owl jerk? All he does is he stalks people and steals their suckers and he lies like you haven't Kent. Okay. Yes, but Buzzbee, his strength, flight, sense of direction, stinger, but I think this is one sting and he's done. So he actually does. He does actually have a weapon. It's his honeycomb mace that he uses as he uses the honey as a grabber or whip or a lasso. And this happens throughout the commercials. They actually overuse it. Mr. Owl, I think he just theft would be a powerful skill. He's got wisdom and wit wisdom wisdom because he got someone's candy. He, yeah, he can count to three, I guess. It actually takes 997 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. That's three less than one. Yeah. He's a white owl. So he's not great at camouflage. He's a little portly and can't fly very fast in a graduation cap. Yeah. So he's graduated. He's graduate. I think these are both kind of weaker warriors, but I do think that the honey lasso and the mace that Buzzbee has, I honestly think he would he would snap the beak of Mr. Owl and smothered the nostrils and honey and he beat down for the count one, two, three, three. I also think Mr. Owl is not a fighter. I think that Buzzbee would get the upper hand on him. In fact, I would think that he'd take that, you know, that little honey drizzler. Yeah. That's the mace that I'm calling. Yeah. Yeah. I think he would hold it to him as if he were a Tootsie Pop and then when he opened his mouth, jab it in his throat. Perfect. Buzzbee wins. There's another kind of cheerio. Now we have Quickie. From Nestle's Nest Quick and Smokey Bear from the United States Forest Service. Did you guys think it was Smokey the Bear? Yeah. I keep wanting to say Smokey the Bear, but it's not. Yeah. You know why we think that? Yokey the Bear. Smokey Bear, guys. Come on. So it was Willie Nelson wrote a song about Smokey Bear and he added the because it sounded better with the song. With the rhythm. Yeah, with the syllables and all that. Yeah. But it's just Smokey Bear. So Quickie was debuted in 1960, but really kind of became popular with the strawberry milk version of Nestle Quick. Yes. And then Lionel is so good and the Smokey Bear was created in 1947. Quickie has speed, twisting ears and strong legs. Smokey Bear has strength, durability, high intelligence, apparently can grow to the size of a mountain. What? What? And breaking the fourth wall. Oh, and he also has a handy shovel, blue jeans, and a rangers cap. And he's a black bear. Do we point that out too? Is he a black bear? No, he's a brown bear. No, well he's brown, but he's not a color black, but the breeze. Thank you. Okay. I've got the first strength here, bare strength, shoveling skills and fire knowledge for Smokey Bear. Whereas, Nest Quickie's speed. That's all he can do. Yeah. Speed. I mean, that's why they did it. That's why he made up a rabbit because they're like speed, efficiency, easy. That's what they're going for. And is it speed because you want to make some chocolate milk? Done. Just get a couple spoonfuls. Yeah. By the way, the voice acting done for Quickie the Rabbit was done by Barry Gordon, who was the voice of Donatello in the animated Teenage Mutant Turtles. Oh, oh, we love it. Yeah. Bare versus rabbit. Fast bear. Yeah. Versus... Fast rabbit. He's going to hinder Smokey Bear's movements. No, they're baggy jeans. He's good. He's got a shovel. He's got an Uncle Sam poster. Yeah. Only you. Only you. Can what? Can prevent forest fires. Ah-ha. Interesting. Because it was only... First of all, Smokey says Carol will prevent 9 out of 10 forest fires. His slogan changed in 1947 to be, "Remember only you can prevent forest fires." But then in 2001, they updated it to say, "Only you can prevent wildfires," because they wanted to promote the prevention of unplanned outdoor fires, not prescribed burns. What year did they change it? 2001. Oh, yes. I stopped being the target audience apparently. Yeah. I'm at time. I don't know. Yeah, Smokey Bear wins. Nest Quick with his weird, or Quickie with his weird, twisty ears twisted around him. Yeah. It's the distractions. But that's about the straw. He hasn't got much to offer. Smokey Bear wins. Only you can prevent wildfires. And now, Energizer Bunny. From Energizer Batteries. Versus Jeffrey, the giraffe. I don't want to grow up. I'm a tourist kid. So the Energizer Bunny is the one where he comes and commercials, and they talk about how long the batteries last. Like saying, the Energizer keeps going, and going, and going, and going. To the point where another commercial would start playing, and you'd think, like, this is later, you'd watch it in commercial, think it was in our commercial all of a sudden, and the Energizer Bunny comes through, and just, and going, and going. Really clever. I like that. So they took over every other commercial, essentially. Yeah. Jeffrey was originally called Dr. G. Raff from 1948 to 1965. Let's get it, Dr. Gir right. And then he got a family in the early '70s, and they removed the family in 1999. Yeah. You know, wife Gigi, a baby G, and son Jeffrey Jr., and they got rid of him. And his body's generally humanoid-like, kind of like Joe Camel. It's a giraffe with a human body, essentially. Yeah. He's about six meters tall, though, sometimes giraffes can run about 35 miles per hour, which is pretty quick. But the weaknesses, they struggle with habitat loss. And by habitat loss, I mean, Toys R Us. Sales. Oh. Whereas the weakness of the Energizer Bunny, who is a drummer, by the way, is the battery is very exposed. It's on the right thigh, and he's kind of powerless without it. Did you know, by the way, that the Energizer Bunny was created as a parody of a Duracell Bunny? Like the Duracell Bunny was first, and they had a drumming bunny commercial, and that was 1973. And then in 1988, when the trademark had laps, Energizer was like, "We're going to do our own bunny parody," and make fun of them. And then it became like their signature, because no one remembers Duracell Bunny. I was going to say, I think Energizer's weakness is Duracell. I'm a Duracell guy. I mean, for some reason, you have a favorite brand. But as far as the fight, I think the bunny keeps going, and going, and going, and Toys R Us is gone. That's the biggest thing I can come up with from the actual thing. No, but the actual thing's fighting. A giraffe. If we're going to go with a giraffe battle, the neck is actually really strong, and they use that to fight. The legs are a little bit weak. And what can you use against the legs? Drumstick. Little ankle biter here. Oh, yeah. Okay, fine. Energizer Bunny wins. Did I even get a vote? Did you? Oh, okay. No, it's final. Nothing outlast the Energizer. They keep going and going. Now it's Coco the Monkey from Coco Crispies and Cocoa Pops and the Morton Salt Girl from Morton Salt. Her real name is Sarah Peldon, by the way. She debuted in 1914. The slogan is when it rains. It pours. And it's a young girl walking in the rain with an open umbrella and scattering salt behind her from a cylindrical container of table salt, that was hard to say. And they did that. They wanted a show that even in rain, their salt would flow freely. Which was not a thing at the time. They had a special coating that would allow it to not cake in the humidity. Humidity was a wild problem for salt for years until the salt girl fixed it. And then Coco the Monkey, he can be one to two feet tall based on the type of monkey he is. Yes. He's agile. He likes swinging in the jungle, swinging in the vines. I don't see the Martin Salt Girl doing much of anything. She does need to fight though, right? And I do think if she uses salt as a weapon, like for example, let's say he's going to jump on her and she has the umbrella. But she's not even under it. In fact, it's just salt. He's going to get salt in his eyes and maybe she grabs the umbrella and stabs him in the air. See, and I think if she threw salt in his eyes, he's going to become a rage filled monkey. And he don't wear any of those. But where is he attached? Everywhere? Yeah. Maybe he gets her. You remember in the movie it when the raincoat, the yellow raincoat's covered in. No. Joel, why? Why are you bringing that up? I'm saying. I'm randomly going to the Martin Salt Girl because I want her to stand a chance because salt is a dangerous weapon in the right hands. Whereas I'm saying this is a monkey. She's literally the salt girl who an agile monkey who's good at a tree swinging, but she's going to commit a salt. I am not wild about either one of them. He's just a monkey. I don't actually like his cereal at all. What? You don't like Cocoa Crispies or Cocoa Pops or Choco Pops and Choco Crispies? I don't really like him. No, I don't really care for chocolatey cereals. Oh, everybody wants those Cocoa Crispies. And she's legacy. She's been around for a hundred and ten years. She is an icon. What was that video game where they had the little girl in the yellow rain jacket walking around? Oh, a little nightmares. Yeah. Yeah, that's basically her. Yeah. But she doesn't do much there either. She's mostly just wringles. You know, she survives. She's just such a young girl. I don't really see how she's going to accomplish anything here. So I guess I'll take Cocoa the monkey. Beep, beep, Richie. Oh, Cocoa. Cocoa. Oh, everybody wants one. Oh, this matchup makes me roll my eyes for so many reasons. Okay, we have the Chick-fil-A cows from Chick-fil-A. And the little Caesar's Caesar, little Caesar, little Caesar's. Yeah. Yeah. It's a little Caesar. The powers and skills of Chick-fil-A cows are vandalism and advertising. And the powers and skills of little Caesar are, well, leadership, government rule, and a spear. Yeah. There has pizza on. Yeah. The cows are hosting dairy cows through the black and white, and they can read and write apparently. That's very well. That's very well. That's very well. Oh, pardon me for them. Learning Kent. These are cows that can write. By the way, this cow, I looked on the wiki, they're delicious and slow. Let it be known that Joel is welcoming to dyslexic cows. Please let it be known. They are learning. They are trying. They are trying. They are the hardest. I think little Caesar has a fiery brand at the end of his spear, puts it in the oven, or wherever. The cow gets scared. Caesar says extra pepperoni, and spears the cow where it's hiding up in a billboard, and you have murder, murder. I have such angry feelings toward the little Caesar's guy, for no reason others. Is it his chest hair? That when the Detroit Tigers hit a home run, they're a baseball team, guys. When they hit a home run, they celebrate by holding a spear with two foam. That's kind of cool. The animal's pizzas on it, because they are sponsored by Little Caesars, and I hate it so much. It's a pizza. Because we used to get two pizzas of one container. That's why they say pizza. But you know what? I hate more than that. Those stupid billboards. Eat more chicken. I hate them. I like it when it's like there's like a... But they're learning cows, and Joel loves that. Like a model cow. I hate that their mascot's a cow. But it's such a clever thing to eat more chicken. Don't eat burgers. It's funny. But honestly, do you guys know how many Romans were killed by cows per annum? You link this up? No. I'm asking if any other... Can you make this up? Okay. Yeah. I'll ask AI. Give me a second. No. You have dudes with spears versus beef. I'm taking the dudes with spears. Dude. Dude. Dude with spear. Dude with spear. Dude with spear. And he's a little version of Caesar. Well, you know what cows would be? This particular type of cow without us, they literally need us to use spears to get the methane out. Yeah. And it's a meat cow. It's a meat cow. It's a dairy. Two words. Mad cow. He's gonna be. After they're dead. Look, I just googled it right now. Cows kill more people on the U.S. Emily than wolves do. What? There you go. Just saying. Well, no, I'm rethinking it. There's no industry around wolves. Do you have a vote? I voted for the cows. It's a little Caesar. I'm taking Caesar. I'm taking the spear. Yeah, he's got the spear. I'm taking the spear. Cows are so cuddable. Think about how much more they could have learned, Zach, if you can just kill them. They were so much potential. Oh, they were gonna cut the cow down in their prime. Kay was gonna turn the right way at some point. Oh. The little Caesar wins. Pizza, pizza. Now we have the California raisins. From sun-made raisins. And Mr. Six. From Six Flags. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So the California raisins. He rearing your car. Not too long ago. He did. Patreon.com/bickensale. So California raisins were introduced in 1986 and just became part of the zeitgeist at the time. It was so weird. They have like four albums and their version of her to the grapevine hit the billboard hot 100. Whereas Mr. Six from Six Flags, he was around from 2004 to 2010. You remember? Kind of scary looking and he'd drive a bus. He's an old elderly man with a tuxedo. Yeah. Fit classes. He's the scariest looking one here. This is a terrifying match up. Yeah. I hate it. This is both briefly and pruning all over. I hate it. Question for you guys. And how big are the California raisins? So it changes. Okay. Based on the ad. How big were they about? They're about TV shows. I'm holding this up there. They're about hand-sized. Okay. That's a big question. From what I've seen. They're about hand-sized. How big was the grave? Oh, yeah. It'd be huge. I do think Mr. Six is old. I think he may crush one of the raisins. He peers old people. But have you seen him dance? I know. But it's just when that song is playing. He's got stamina. People like to eat raisins, right? He's going to eat one. But it's one that has a mini saxophone attached. And he's going to choke on that saxophone. No. And there's going to be three other California raisins. Yeah. I see the California raisins are out there and they're doing their song. They start playing a song. Yeah. And what does Mr. Six do when a song plays? He dances. They're not the Venga Boys. They could. They're the raisin boys. Brr, brr, brr, brr, brr. I heard that through the grapevine. I'm sorry. They sing Motown. Yeah. I heard the grapevine. California raisins would hear Mr. Six's song. And they would just straight up give up because they don't want to be subjected to it anymore. They would just straight up surrender because they were like, this isn't music. We're offended or out without like they're willing to be crushed or like whatever, man. They're cool. They're cool raisins. Their raisins are not going to give up in the face of bad music. They're easily squished. Have you guys ever stepped on a raisin fight and that is one of those times listener. You've never heard that sentence in your life. Nobody's ever said it before. They're going to fight for culture and they're going to destroy Mr. Six and his weird dances and face. I like his shoes though. Got good shoes. You can have him after he's dead. Mr. Six. I think Mr. Six wins. He's got feet. Have you guys ever stepped on a raisin? Have you ever stepped on a raisin? I hate both of them and there's four of them, but I think there are four of them. I think Mr. Six is tap dancing all over these raisins. Yes, he is. Mr. Six wins. Now we have the Travelocity Gnome. From Travelocity. And it's the Monopoly guy. His name is Milburn Penny Bags from Monopoly. Famously, monocle wearing, right? Right, right. The Travelocity Gnome is a two foot tall bearded gnome wearing a blue coat, black boots and a red conical hat. He debuted in 2004, whereas Milburn Penny Bags debuted in 1936. The skills of the Travelocity Gnome, well, he's two feet tall and he could probably use himself as a projectile, because he's got a norm. Yeah. And he has an understanding of world cultures and he's skilled with tools because he's a gnome. And Mr. Penny Bags, Mr. Monopoly has charisma, business management and authority over the police. He has a cane and a hotel on the boardwalk and money. And lots of money. He has all the money. You know who has money? Batman. Ironman. Is Milburn Penny Bags? Batman? Yep. See, and this is what I see happening is the gnome likes to travel, but any time you travel around that board, you owe money. Oh, you got to make sure that for some time all the properties get the ones you owe. Get $200 in the bank whenever you pass. Yeah, yeah. Right after park place in Boardwalk, you're dead meat. I also feel like the Travelocity Gnome doesn't seem to be able to move on his own. Yeah. He's carried by others. And so I think putting him in a ring with Mr. Monopoly, that's going to end real quick with a swift swipe of the same broken. He's shattered. Listen, you guys are creative and I find myself just offering commentary. I actually think the Travelocity Gnome is kind of fun mascot. He is. But it's the Monopoly guy. Oh, yeah. Calm. Which even though I love Amelie, the movie, and that's kind of where this Traveling Gnome concept, well, before that happened, but they kind of populated an Amelie and then Travelocity got it after that. But beautiful movie, Amelie, but definitely Monopoly wins. Penny Bags wins. How did I make it big? I know how. Now we have the one responsible for me knowing any zip codes in Chicago, Illinois. We have McGruff, the crime dog from the National Crime Prevention Council. My favorite brand. What kind of cereal did they make? I did. I did it. And Colonel Sanders. From KFC. And McGruff, the kind of dog is an anthropomorphic animated bloodhound who wears a trench coat. Whereas Colonel Sanders is a southern gentleman with a goatee white suit and string tie. Now I'm going to maybe play off Kent here because I think Colonel Sanders does have access to hot oil. And oh, now you're getting. Where does he get the hot oil from? From the hotel. There's things. Yeah. There you go. See that you're playing like me. No. No, no, it doesn't have a chicken army along with him too. And he doesn't use free-maced, Colonel Sanders free-maced connections aren't going to help him out here either because it's McGruff, the crime dog, which is a dog. The size of Colonel Sanders, who's obviously got connections to the cops and his only weakness is a ringworm and flea. Ah, but he also is distracted by smells. And that's the wonderful smell of chicken, but he's a detective so he knows better. And I'm going to say this till later, maybe he can also freeze time. What? McGruff, the crime dog. The crime dog can freeze time. Like Zach Morris. And he's going to steal the Colonel's glasses, choke him out in a dark alley. Where did this alley come from? In the world where they're fighting now with a hot oil. Is Colonel Sanders a Colonel? No. No military. No. No. Well, he was discharged. He was in the military early and then he just discharged. Well, Colonel Sanders might not be a real Colonel, but McGruff, the crime dog, is a real crime dog. Did you look into the voice actor at all? I did. Do you want me to tell the story? Oh, sure. So John Morales, the actor who played the crime-fighting cartoon character, was sentenced to 16 years in prison stemming from a 2011 arrest, which in which police seized a lot of plants, 1,000 great plant, 27 weapons, including a grenade launcher, and 9,000 rounds of ammunition from his home. Holy cow. Yeah. He's a real crime dog. He did not take a bite of the crime, but like dog like DAWG. Like now. Can I pet the dog? Oh, Colonel Sanders, his heart will stop him. Yeah. No. I think McGruff. We all agree. McGruff. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And help take a bite out of crime. Okay. Keeping the the fake military going. Yeah. We'll talk about it. We'll talk about it. Uh, Captain Crunch. From Captain Crunch cereal. And Chef Boyardee. From the same. Chef Boyardee. He's a real guy. Yeah. Chef Boyardee is a real guy, although he says real name is spelled. It's a tour. B-O-I-A-R-D-I. It's pronounced Boyardee, but he actually changed the spelling to Boyardee to help people pronounce it correctly. He was awarded a gold star order of excellence award for producing rations supplying Allied troops during World War II. That's kind of cool. Isn't it kind of cool? Yeah. He's also a sharpshooter. Where is? Wow. Captain Crunch has stolen valor. Captain Crunch isn't really a captain. Sometimes he has one bar. He has got it now. And that's an answer. Sometimes he has three bars. That's a commander. Never a captain. No. He's a captain now. Now he's a captain. Oh, did you finally give him enough bars? It finally made him a proper. But these are both elderly gentlemen with white eyebrows and white mustaches. I see this as a very short battle. Okay. Go on. Yeah. You know that one scene in Star Wars? Oh, yeah, the boring one. That one. The fight scene. I'm just going to say this. Do you guys know what is inside Chef Boyardee ravioli that the meat ones? Nobody does. It's a Captain Crunch. Does it leave a film on the roof of your mouth? What is that film? I don't know what it is. But yes, by the way, Captain Crunch, his strengths, I have here no to torture the roofs of his captive's mouth. Yeah, there we go. Thank you. And his weaknesses gets really soggy and mild, gets get soggy way faster than frosted flakes. So what mouth feel are we going for here? Do you want the film or do you want cuts? Does the Captain Crunch cut through the film? Maybe. And for a Chef Boyardee, I have his strengths as cooking and turning his enemies into ravioli stuffing. And his weaknesses. Noodle arms. I just imagine he has noodle arms. No, does he? Yeah. I don't know. He can handle stress in the kitchen. I mean, he's like the bear before there was the bear. Right. You think so? He's a chef. Not all chefs are the bear pants. I mean, think of it more though. In war. In war. Ratatui. Yeah. Happens to gusto, right? He becomes a joke. He's just, oh, you're, you know, you're in the grocery stores now because you're nothing. You don't matter anymore. This is an actual navy captain. Eventually. Eventually. Sometimes commander. Like Joel said, you got stuff in the ravioli and that's human parts. You hope. And you got the red sauce. No, it's not all. And that's human parts. Let's see. Not a sponsor. Allegedly. It's not all the blood of his enemies. It also is just like these neighbors pets. Whoa. Allegedly. Is it weird that I'm hungry right now? Yeah. I'm going Chef Boyardee. Joel? I'm going Captain Crunch. I'm going Captain Crunch. Oh, wow. This is, I will take the fierce razor blades on the mouth. I see Captain Crunch. More of a fighter. Captain Crunch wins. He's more of a fighter than a sharpshooter in World War II. What? The worst. Captain Crunch is a tasty part of a balanced breakfast. And finally. Oh. For this round. Oh, this better be a big one. This is, this is a big deal. Our biggest one yet. Okay. Have. The Spongebunkies. From Quiznos. We love the song! We love the song! Yeah. Versus the Pillsbury Doughboy. Mr. Pop and Fresh. From Quiznos. No, hold on. Joel, you corrected me on this. Is it Spongebunkies or is it Spong Munkies? I think it's pronounced Spongebunkies, but I, there's no- Okay. I found out when I looked it up. And these are hairy primates with the ability to hover above the ground. They have a love of fine hats. They play musical instruments. Like they're basically, I call them like dead muskrats. And they have like googly eyes. They look like, they look like, they look like, they look like roadkill with like googly eyes based on them. And bad teeth. And then the Pillsbury Doughboy also known as Pop and Fresh. He has a scarf, a chef's hat, and two big blue eyes. And he's kind of just a, yeah, a little doughy. He was created in 1965 by a copywriter who was inspired by a living blob jumping out of a can of Pillsbury. His powers and skills jumpscares. Because the dough popping out of Pillsbury cans. Jump scares. Expans when- Try to open those cans. And choking powers. And his hobby is giggling and smelling more big goods. I think the weakness of the sponge monkeys is bankruptcy. Oh. The weakness of Pop and Fresh is he's very ticklish. Which is silly because, you know, it's like his tummy is always there. Every time he focuses. It seems like, it seems like more of a reward at the end of every commercial. If he does a job and then he gets poked in the tummy. Well, who doesn't want to poke in the tummy after a good job? It's like a reward. So I'm going to listen. I love the Spong Monkeys. But I think they're already anxiety ridden and they die of fright when Pop and Fresh jumps out of a Pillsbury can. I think it's all you need to go. And then all of a sudden it's there. And the sponge monkeys just die of fright. As silly as this battle is. It's a very silly battle. Uh huh. I don't know. I'm going back and forth on this one. Because I see- Because they don't other than a guitar they have nothing to poke them in the belly. Not even a sharp finger or anything. I guess that's true. I don't know. I just see it as the sponge monkeys are kind of gross to look at. And then Pop and Fresh is so nice to look at that I want him to win. But I feel like the sponge monkeys are kind of scrappers. Scrappers. But like one is just a blob of oh there's no insides. I guess. But at the same time I think he's honestly he's probably a shape shifter. That's what I'm thinking. Like a clay face kind of thing going on there. Yeah. Like clay fighter leap and logic. Like clay fighter 64. I don't know. This is a weird matchup. It's really weird. Listen, I just want this to end. And I have an affinity towards Pop and Fresh. It's just adorable. But I think I'm going to vote for sponge monkeys because I feel like because you worked at Quiznos. I worked at Quiznos. That is that is part of it. By the way, they attribute these to helping the decline of Quiznos by the way. Really did not help the company whatsoever. I quickly remember. But they got a pepper bar. We got a pepper bar. If you have not seen these commercials, you need to look them up. Quiznos sponge monkeys. You will be horrified. Yeah. But I'm voting for them because like I said, I feel like they are first of all the supernatural. They're hovering above the ground, and secondly, they have a guitar that could smash a dough boy pretty easily. How do you smash dough? It's just going to pop right back up. Yeah. That's the thing. I listen. All he needs to do is put his hands, which are just dough gloves into their mouths and they're choked out. No, I am not. If you think about it, these face melting riffs that the sponge monkeys are creating, they're creating some heat that will then bake the Tilbury, Tilbury Doughboy. Listen, they're already dead. Those are already roadkill. Yeah. That's the thing. But you can zombify the argument. I'm not buying any of the ways that the Doughboy is winning. I don't buy any of them. No jumps here. None of them make sense to me, but I also don't know how he's getting defeated. Yeah. That's the problem. He's kind of immortal. Like I think there's so many others. You don't think they can chew him up with those ugly teeth, those big old chompers that would chew him up. Are you like spit him out? You guys like-- Oh, but then he'll be part of them and he'll burst through their bodies. Are you guys weird dough eaters? Are you guys like eating bread dough? No, not really. People do that. It's bizarre. Yeah. No, I think he becomes part of them. It's like the thing. No. I think he's easily digested. Ew. Sorry, buddy. Woohoo. I think I guess I'm going to go with the sponge monkeys. Oh goodness. Said no one ever. Because they are going to-- All right. So there you go. We've gone through 32 matchups, so this part one will be finishing this bracket on the next episode. Sorry. We didn't clarify that at the beginning. This is not the entire one. It's going to be really intense. Sorry. You have to deal with this for a whole extra episode. But we want to know if you agree with our decisions we made on this one, we want you to play along at home by downloading this at bakeitsell.com and let us know your results and who you think is going to take this brand match, got death match. Let us know on Facebook. Let us know on Twitter. Let us know on Instagram because we enjoy hearing from you. That is our love language when you speak to us on social media. But before we go, we'd like to give some love to our patrons, those who help support bake and sell and keep the lights on here in the baking cave. That includes the I am the listener tier, which has in it, Taylor Sanderson, some guy, Sir and Madam Hicks, Shannon West, Scott, R.I.P. Heather O'Rourke, Dom McDonne, Julian Beck and Will Sampson, Sprague, Paul Terrace Curse, Ryan and Marley, Rocky and Steph, Lady Terry Finley, Juiced a Cooler King, Swallowed, Jennifer Kilkowski, Casey Cummings, Angela Plots, and Adam and Rachel Crump. And then we have our baking council, which includes the other Brit, Johnny English, the one, the only Chris Anderson, Steven, everyone's favorite Ross, Star Wars expert, Kyler, our favorite couple of the Madsons, Nicole D. Kale, Herl Hynis, Jessica Terry, Glo Kling Daniel, Debbie Foster, and Beaker. Thank you, patrons. Thank you, patrons. You are the most interesting man in the two-hour world. But if you want to find me, you can find me at 76 Joel on Twitter. You can find me performing with Quick with Superform at the Midbell Performing Arts Center and the studio at the Parker Theater. For more details, go to qwcom.com or go to the Quick with Facebook page. You can find me on Twitter and Instagram. My Kenny 3D. You can read my movie reviews at showtimeshowdown.com. If you'd like to connect with me, you can do so on Twitter and Instagram @tumblingmustered. But more importantly, make sure you're following Bacon Sale. Please like that Facebook page and then go to @baconsale on Twitter and Instagram. After you've done that, go to tpublic.com/baconsale and get yourself some merch. And then if you like what's going on here and you want to support us further, visit patreon.com/baconsale. Support such as just three bucks a month and you can get access to behind the scenes of Bacon Sale, including the almost weekly bacon bits where I confess I have no idea how a calendar works. Patreon.com/baconsale. So until next time, I don't always listen to podcasts, but when I do, it's Bacon Sale. Stay thirsty my friends. The cool little man is curvy. They wrapped him in ultra soft. Yeah, that would be nice. I would just go to bed. I am so excited we found a way to talk about supplemental insurance on Bacon Sale. A chocolate vampire is definitely going to beat a duck. Julie's Pringle is very good at trapping people's hands. You want to know how I got these scars on my aorta? I love the crispy triplets. Now I'll give me the help not over the coca addict. Don't think flow is more like secretly a sugar peel. Arthritis wins again. You can never kill a Twinkie. No consent. No punch. You know who's not doing elderly abuse? Geico. They're taking care of your elders. Punchy punches people with permission. Chester Cheetah. He wears sunglasses. Hi. Oh, but my sunglasses lose. I know. Honestly. Little late, little late, I'm like draw their Joel who has killed more actual people. Jack in the box. Joel, I'd say too soon, but that's the joke that will never die. You got to say it. Did you? Look at it. Tony the Tiger wins. Joel, sorry. Just in case you didn't. That's coverage Kent. Cut all this out. Three, two, one. I'm not good. I'm going to forget. If you look at the Burger King, you tell me that that guy hasn't snapped a towel before. Allegedly. Allegedly. Not a bronzer. When the most interesting man in the world is in the room, M&M's do melt in your hand. The beer dog is going to take out the cigarette camel and we're going to talk about beer twice. I'm baking Sam. And cigarettes. And give them away. Coloring. Oh, bad spellers. Let's bake it. Oh, pardon me for them. Learning Kent. Let it be known that Joel is welcoming to dyslexic. Cool. Like cool reasons. I'm a like dog like DAWG. Like Dowd. Can I pet that Dowd? Scruff. McGruff. Chicago, Illinois. 60652. It's not all the blood of his enemies. It also is just like these neighbors pets. Corresins are not going to give up in the face of bad music. [BLANK_AUDIO]