Random convo with Brian <3
Emotionally Unavailable
Episode 46: Random
But I'm just beginning. (upbeat music) - Welcome to Emotionally Unavailable, the podcast where we dive deep into the world of emotional availability and intimacy. I'm your host, Melissa Hepner, and I can't tell you how excited I am to have you join me on this journey of self-discovery and connection. Whether you're navigating the complexities of relationships or exploring your own emotional landscape, this podcast is here to inspire, empower, and entertain. So get cozy and let's explore the depths of human emotions together. (upbeat music) ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ - Hi guys. I have a couple of things that I have really been thinking a lot about. One is obviously still, am I ever going to make an income, like a good income from the things I'm doing? It's a lot because it really does require so much faith on the days where you encounter just like frustration after frustration. 'Cause like I was so happy, I had like just randomly two people were like, yeah, podcast and signed up. And I got booked for a speaking engagement that I'm getting paid for in November. So that was cool. And I get things that were just looking really good. And then boom, one cancellation, and then an hour later, another cancellation. And it just bummed me out. And I encounter a lot of things like that all the time. And some days it's fine and some days it's not. And I just like keep telling myself that this is my purpose. So there's like absolutely no way that I can fail because this is what I was put on this earth to do. I'm gonna really believe that. And I do feel the happiest whenever I'm getting to share information with people that changes their life. They understand what's happening inside of them and that it's not a force that they can't control. But one that they very much can, you know, get a rain on. So I don't know, I think a lot about that. I just like wanna be a light in a world of darkness. And I mean, I wanna get paid for it too, you know, but to see so much of like confirmation of like a divine plan for my life and all of the things I've ever felt that I was supposed to do. And I just, let's see. So then the next thing I could talk about is self-worth. So I feel after a lot of introspection that I have lived a life seeking self-worth and validation external of myself. I have found certain things that would make me feel good about myself without any external praise or confirmation of my worth. But even that was my worth and value are tied to something. And I guess I would love to be able to say that I now just fully feel like my worth and value are high and complete purely because I exist. I don't think that's a grace I extend to everyone. And I certainly wouldn't say I extend it to myself because like in this moment, I would say, I don't know that I could ever like look at a child predator and stay with conviction. Well, you have worth and value as a human but just because you were born. And I'm like, no, I kind of am like, if you destroy that many lives, I don't know about that. But like, people who have done things that like, even like my parents, I mean, I would say, if they were like here right now and trying to start over one more time, I would say, you deserve it, you deserve to be happy, you deserve and are worthy of another chance. I don't know if I would say anybody's worthy of another chance like with my heart, but I don't even know this is gonna make sense. But so I'm just saying that I know, so the things that I tied myself worth and value to were first and foremost, my outward appearance. It does not matter or not at that time. I'm not like this now, but when I had a very, very, very poor self image, it didn't matter how many accomplishments I had, I couldn't even celebrate them properly because I was so just full of self-hatred over my body. And I mean, that started at such a young age. It didn't even, I mean, I will, I was very average until way too much attention was put on my body and I started the yoyo diet cycle probably by like seventh grade. I started dieting and was encouraged to diet by my grandmother and she was very critical if I cheated on the diet. She was just really critical like, if I was drinking a soda, she'd be like, messy, do you really need that? You know what it does to you. But also like, I think I've said this on here before, but what I hated was it was always like, you'd be so pretty, or like, you're so pretty, but you'd be even prettier, 10 pounds lighter. And then she would also do this thing where like, she'd see me eating cookies and be like, you really need that cookie? But then if I was on a diet and she'd be like, I have cookies, do you want some? I would be like, no, I'm on a diet, I can't. And she would, you could have just one. And so really, she just constantly confirmed to me that there really was not anything. I was ever gonna be able to do that like, earned her like approval of me. And so that's when I really started to time my value to my weight, obviously. But like, also I just never felt like cute or pretty or whatever until I think I had a short time in high school where I felt okay about how I looked. I was getting more male attention probably. So I was like, oh, that's like fine. But, you know, just never like having the cute clothes or cute hairstyles or know how to do makeup or whatever. You know, it really affected myself as Dean. People, I do think we've gotten too far in some areas of the bullying stuff. Not, we're clearly not doing enough. We're not doing the right things. We're doing too many of the wrong things, I think. That's something I really wanna get more involved in schools. I really, really do because if we can bridge this gap and get the younger generation turned around and the older generation to come meet them, man, that's gonna be a crazy life force. So I really, really wanna work more with students. So I'm trying to figure out how to contract with schools just like me as a private contractor. Anyway, we can talk about that later. I wasn't bullied, but it wasn't popular and I was excluded a lot and, you know, it felt like shit. So those experiences confirmed narratives created in earlier childhood that said I'm not worthy or valuable enough for people to care about me. My parents left me. They don't give a fuck. They care more about drugs and alcohol and, you know, whatever the fuck they're doing when they're never with me. And my grandpa hates us. My grandma resents us, my aunt's resent us. It was just so fucking tough, dude. And so then I learned that if I was easy and light and didn't make waves and also did my best to, quote, unquote, make things easier and to provide validation to her that her sacrifice was worth it, things were easier for me. And they felt better. I got like some love and affection and, you know, but every, everything that my grandma ever said positively to me was about in ways I was serving her. Who's never, you are a good human. You have a good heart. It was your studious or, you know, efficient at this housework or whatever. It was all of her praise was tied to the acts of service. Of course I'm gonna do that because also, you know, I would get praise at school in my older years because they would get to know me as a person. And, you know, most of my teachers liked me. Plus I was a people pleaser as fuck. So I learned how to people please really young and to mask and to say the things that grown-ups like to hear, and I mean, I meant them. I have always been wise beyond my years or whatever. I think that it was always really clear to people that I made a decision in early childhood to be a survivor, to not let any of the people who hurt me win. And I think that the adults around me, well, you know, if I had to say, I would say I probably believe that the sweet teachers in my life were placed there intentionally. 'Cause I know my social workers certainly were my mentor, Debra, who I love dearly. You know, I know all of these powerful people were put into my path for help and guidance and, you know, to give me a little something that I wasn't getting from the people who were supposed to give it to me. So anyway, all that to say, I'm working on for the last since I'd say about, really I'd say October, but then since January for sure, I've started to have some difficulties with my relationships and have had to be more isolated and introspective a lot. And I would say most of the time had to figure shit out on my own, whereas I was pretty used to venting when something was going on, but I just didn't really have anyone to vent to. So not like on a consistent basis. So after some astrological insight, I would say that was intentional in that that was such a beautiful thing to have to go through now that I look at it because I love myself in a way that I did not dream possible then. I mean, I did love myself then because I had done that work, but not like I do now because now I can trust myself. I can have compassion for myself. I can hold myself. And that's not to say that I don't need others. I think that we all do, but I think the way I need others now is different and it's transformed. And I love it because I think the word held. I mean, I really feel like I can hold myself in most things now. So I think that's good. So I was getting my self-worth and value from my friends then or like Brian, you know, 'cause I went through, it was college and then it was career or, you know, if somebody wanted to have sex with me, maybe even just if I was getting their attention, you know, that's how I would get any kind of value, anything I could do to like earn it. I can't really think of different words to that, but now the focus is to feel that worth and that value just because. And Diana said this to me a few times and every time she says it, I feel like I know what she means, but then I learned something new about it. And I guess I'm not ready to extend that feeling to child predators. So don't want to, you know, ever lie about that, but maybe, you know, less than that even. I would, you know, maybe I am ready to say I'm worthy and I'm valuable just because and to actually be able to say that to myself and feel it, you know, but I would say the last part of myself worth challenges are, am I worthy and valuable? Even if I feel like I was a shit parent or that I'm doing a bad job at parenting now, you know, I think I have tied a lot of worth and value to my parenting. So like how do you, you know, I've said a couple of times that I've come to this place where I feel myself as both a collective self, as part of a collective of people and what is for the greater good of that self. And then a private personal self. And I kind of think like that in terms of like me as a mom. And I don't know, like I've really been digging deep about how hard it is for me to tell my kids no to things, to ever like disappoint them, you know, to my own detriment over the years. And so I've been trying to work on that and why I feel so unworthy in that role and not valuable in that role. And then the other thing is how much I tied worth and value to income or status. And I certainly don't feel any less worthy or valuable now without that income, but I don't feel secure. So that's the work I'm doing right now. I was like, I don't, I fell on shaky ground. I'm scared that because I don't have an income. So like, but I don't think that's the same as tying your worth and value. I don't feel like a bad person, but I am struggling with guilt about like not being able to buy my kids stuff because I'm pursuing a dream. But like, that's like a shadow of shame 'cause this current logical version of me understands what I'm doing. So anyway, that's work I'm doing. Okay, well that's a lot. So moving on. One more people are messaging and saying that they have purchased the Finding Peace book and are following along and that's very exciting to me. I've been finalizing my zero symposium and just so excited about getting information out to people about how to open up to themselves 'cause I think, you know, the therapists of the world, there's lots of them that haven't done this work either, you know? I hope that you guys are good. I hope I have a guest for Wednesday. If not, I will, yeah, do my best to perhaps think about what I will talk about before I just start recording. No, just working on myself worth over here. If you or anyone else has connections to speaking engagements, even free ones right now, hit me yet. All right, fellas, I guess this is it. I don't know, really anything else to say. Oh, let me brag really quick. The other day I was in a car with Brian and Charlie and I was a little bit escalated because we had had to rush to get where we were going. Brian was like rubbing my arm softly and he said, what can I do to help you ground? And I was like, oh my God, this man, so sweet. He's been speaking my language. So just wanna give him a little lovey shout out. 'Cause that's it. I had recorded this intro and it was gonna be a solo episode, but then it got lost in the ethernet for a while. So I did these questions with Brian, but then I found other audio. So I cut it and just made an intro. So enjoy me and Brian. - Thank you. (upbeat music) ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ - Ah, I was forgetting. - Ah, Brian. I've pulled up some generic ass couples questions. - Oh, that one's due to that. - That was almost a disaster. - Okay, we're here with Brian. I did a solo recording that is now in the universe, so by solo recording. So we're gonna ask each other silly questions. Well, I'm trying to do more on the silly side, but so far I've mostly found serious, but okay. What is the perfect vacation for you? - I think when I was a little bit younger, it probably would have been pretty active. Probably still is, you know, skiing or something adventurous, like, I don't know, skydiving or something, but, you know, I don't kinda like to sit on a beach and relax, stress of all the day life stuff going on, you know? - Yeah. - I guess probably a little mixture. Long enough that you don't feel bad that, you know, that you sat on a beach. (laughing) The whole vacation, you know, like, hey, you've got a four day vacation, you run on the beach all the time. So, yeah, I mean, the water skiing. - Okay, so it's still active, some. - That's what I mean. Like, I would definitely walk those days of decompressing. - But you don't feel like the vacation's worth it if you're just laying around. - For four or five days is to go. You just waste the whole vacation and you go see something that you feel like you've seen the new area replace. - Yeah. - I feel like down at the beach you wouldn't shock a little. - Yeah, I like that. But I can't really think of like a perfect vacation. Like, I would say my favorite trips have been like when I went to Washington. That climate was, but I don't handle those temperatures as well as I did then. So I definitely know that wouldn't be like Washington in the winter wouldn't be my vibe now. But I could see Washington in the summer, maybe California or something. Like climate really plays a role in how much fun I am. And I don't like skiing because I got hurt skiing. The only time I've ever done it. And I like other stuff, but I'm not as good at the adrenaline shit as I used to be. So I don't want to go rock climbing or repelling anymore. I do like hiking, but it never sounds fun when you want to do it. - Yeah. - I can't think of a vacation that like I just would love. It's also stress-free. - Kind of like I would guess probably, you know, from running how good you feel at the end of it. - Yeah. - So if you go on a 15 mile hike with a backpack and camp, but I don't necessarily want to have a campsite and just stay there for two hours or one night and wake up the next morning and start hiking again. - Right. - It's been a state for a few days. - Well, I will say our trip to Savannah was really good. - Yeah. - I liked that. There was a lot of laying around, but we also did the biking. Remember, we rode our bikes. We went to the spa. So something like that. Like I don't really have a desire to fly anymore is the problem, okay? But you know, I don't want to do long car rides either. Well, yeah, but God, just maybe it's just because I have a headache, but I just, I don't deal with the pressure changes very well anymore. And I just, I don't like the way I feel after I fly. So I don't know. I just don't have like a large desire to travel anymore, I guess. But I want to have that desire. I loved driving to Mississippi. I would do that a lot. I would maybe break the drive up. I would have two places that are kind of, have an in between that like we love. We always stay at a little cottage or whatever, and then have a place in Mississippi, you know, and go to New Orleans, whatever. I mean, I did like that a lot. I think having places I'm familiar with in other places though, just because for me vacation, I don't have to experience something new. I've never had, oh, well, I wouldn't say never. I used to really think about being more cultured and whatever, but the older I get, the more I'm just in love with the familiar. So I love the idea of a getaway, a couple of getaway places, you know? So I would like to get away, not necessarily do a bunch of new shit or stay busy or whatever. Like kind of have a daily life just somewhere else to relax, you know? I guess I even think in terms of really liking the idea of almost living somewhere for a month. Right. That's totally, maybe it is a flight there. Yeah, right, but it's worth it. 'Cause yeah, you can recover from that. I wouldn't mind that. Yeah, it's just that whole like even a week. Oh, that's not enough in between flights, but we never have enough time to do that. You know, it's always four days. Yeah. Okay, let's see. What's the best compliment you have ever received? (laughs) I know I'm not good with compliments. It's like, what do you say? You know? Yeah. Thank you. (laughs) You know? I'm the worst. (laughs) I wouldn't want to answer that question. Um, do you believe in superstitions? Probably not. There's probably some things that are thought of as superstitions and probably are. You know, they're probably rooted in some sort of fact or something, but most of them I don't think I, you know? Rooted in fact, they're just kind of a superstition. Well, I do. Do you? Yeah, like I don't get people's names tattooed on me or whatever, like 'cause the whole, you'll lose them. But I hadn't heard that whenever I got that old Libra tattoo on my foot. (laughs) It's good though, because it reminds me that Libra is my south node. And that's the energy I need to move away from. Oh, my eyes twitching. I believe in a lot of superstitions. As a kid, I remember actively choosing to believe like, you know, I heard that you're supposed to hold your breath when you pass a cemetery. I don't really believe it, but I think I want to. So, guys, da-da-da-da-da. I won't make my brothers do it with me. (laughing) You know, for being in the middle, those boys sure did listen to me. What is the item you like most in your house? One item. TV? Really? I really would have expected it to either be the air fryer, the instant pot or that other cooking device you love. (laughing) Oh, what would I choose? I mean, what would you, but I would rather the TV go away or that. No, wait, it has to pot, you know. Which would it be? It has to pot. Really? You love your TV that much? Yeah. I didn't realize that. You can imagine the TV gone? Well, I guess I can because you're the only one watching it. So, like, it's not, I don't think about it. I have to, I guess I'd choose my bed. What movie or book would you want to experience as if it was your first time experiencing it again? Well, it would be a movie. I'm trying to think of which one. Make your favorite movie. (laughing) You don't remember shit like that. I like, I like Friday. You know, I like a lot too different. Yeah, you're not, well, you stay detached. So, you don't have that thing that says I want the familiar. Chaos is what feels safe for you. Variety, yeah. Yeah. That is a very interesting connection that I've just made. Would you want to be friends with yourself? I could definitely see where it'd be difficult to be friends with me, but I would definitely be friends with myself. Why would it be difficult to be friends with you? I'm not the person putting things together, inviting, deciding what's been happening, you know. Yeah, initiating plans. Yeah. So then there would be two people not initiating, which, you know, time would go by and two great friends don't talk about it. Well, I think you've just summed up all your friendships. (laughing) I think I would be friends with my, ooh, I don't know, I don't know if I would be. I'm a little too fiery, doesn't have a double, you know? But, I mean, I think I'm a good friend, but I don't know that I would want to be friends with somebody with my personality, I don't know. Yeah, I would. I think so. Shit, I'm friends with, you know, Jane Doe. I'd say she's pretty fiery, so, yeah. Pretty similar to you. Yeah, I'd be friends with me. Shit. What is a trivial thing that annoys you? Oh, there's these little sayings, and I wish I could think of any, that just out of blue, just become popular, and they're just wastes of words. Words. Yeah, like it goes without saying as a phrase. Goes without saying. Like a par for the course? Maybe, but, I mean, that saying something, that means-- Yeah. All right, do you mean like slang? Yeah, probably very slang-like, that you hear it 10 times, and you're like, "Oh, that's a slang term that just--" Yeah. It's head, you know? Yeah. That's funny. You've never told me that. Everything annoys me, so, I don't think I could answer that. Everything is trivial, and it all annoys me. Anything you know what annoys me? People asking how you're doing, meaning of that sort of type of stuff, and listening to the answer. Yes. For me, I have a difficulty kind of having a conversation, and then, oh, wow, we are going to have a conversation that is ripped out from any of the other people. God, that's so sad. So then, you're back to coming up with questions, and trying to, you know, get it going again, but, you know-- Oh, yeah, no, listen. That is so fucking rude to ask somebody a question, and then, like, completely ignore their answer. I hate that. Oh, my God. The times that's happened were really like, just, ugh, made me feel violent. What would you do if you were paid to do your passion? I feel like I probably would teach, sort of, way. I think lots and lots of people, most people, is probably like a human desire to be a teacher. Mm-hmm. To educate others about something, yeah. Yeah, but I think-- Or, like, a philosopher. Right, but I think it would be something that really was helpful, you know, so that you really saw, you know, maybe, you know, like in late high school, early college days teaching for me to, say, four, five, eight-year-olds, even swim teams, you know, and that age really gets better fast, you know, doubles and triples their, you know, ability, you know, a week, time, two weeks time. Yeah, that was pretty, pretty enjoyable. Sports, type coach, you know, those sorts of things, you know. I can see you doing that. Boxing coach, and stuff. I think mainly probably for kids, as I think adults do, but, you know, they don't really have that happiness in their eyes and, you know, wanting to learn and wanting to show that they've done a good job. You're very good with kids. Yeah, you see good. You taught all of our kids to swim. Yeah, the kids on the soccer team, you know, when they're new. And there's this whole team full of kids that have been there for two or three years, and they're the new ones. And, you know, up to two goes by, and they finally start clicking and almost reaching the same. Yeah, as the rest of the kids ask. What is something that is harder than it seems? I'm going to say, painting your fingernails. Do you think anything? Probably parenting, huh? Oh, no, if that seems easy, you aren't not ready for kids. Oh, when you were 17, I'm sure you thought being a parent was going to be pretty easy. That's what I did. Stupid. What are signs of an unintelligent person? Probably, probably in 17, and thinking parent would be easy. Yeah, or knowing things, you know, like, I know it. I was thinking, yeah, like, I was just picturing the person who refuses to listen, you know, not being coachable. Like, okay, you clearly don't get it. If you're not ready to say you don't know everything. It's almost like the people that don't know much still can teach you about something. Mm-hmm. You opened your mind to it. Is there something you did incorrectly for a long time? Only to find out later that it was incorrect? Feel like if I heard these questions. Yeah. And then he gave me two weeks to come. Yeah, these are hard, I'm sorry. Um, I was staying par for the course. I'm right. Oh, yeah, it's golf, you know. Or it is good in golf, and I've never played golf. So I don't even think about it or golf or anything, but it's the same that people use it. Okay, can you think of something I've done that you thought was very thoughtful or kind? You do lots of very thoughtful kind. For you? Yes, but I'm thinking in terms of emotionally unavailable podcasts, things you've talked about, where you give to other people the way you want to receive. And then they don't give back, and then you are not happy about it. Yeah. Okay, but can you think of anything thoughtful or kind of done for you? The sign? Yeah, you like the sign? Of course. Oh, audience, when we moved in, I found this awesome sign place online. I think it's literally called wooden signs, but they have these awesome signs for cheap. And above our bed, I got us a sign that says, I choose you and I'll choose you over and over and over without pause, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I'll keep choosing you. That's sweet. Well, I mean, everything you do is thoughtful and kind. So what new activities or hobbies would you like us to try together? Well, right off the top of my head, I'm already like rollerblading bicycling. I tried rollerblading and it wasn't easy. Like, it wasn't hard, but it wasn't like- But I'm just saying, things you certainly can think of a hobby. You can even say you wish we played pickleball more. No, I will not ever do it again. Thank you. But who knows? Maybe snowball billing would be- You have got me fucked up. ATV, no. What is the best thing about our relationship? Probably that you need a lot of effort. And most of the time, eventually, you appreciate it. Oh my goodness. This is terrible. We worked together and figured it all out. All right, Lord. It supported me through, you know, all the 60-hour week, whatever ended up being start my business. And, you know, I'm supporting you, but believe it in you to do your thing. Thank you. How much alone time should couples give to each other? Probably in the five to 10 percent? To think of percentage. What would that be per day? I think some days to zero and some days, hour, hour and a half. Oh, I could think of whatever they need. Different people need different amounts. Yeah, but I guess it would just matter. I don't know. I mean, I'm answering that very differently than I would have even six months ago, but I guess I don't have to have you entertain me. In the way that I used to. So, and Charlie's more independent. And you know what I mean? So like, it's not that different if you're here or not here. Yeah, I don't know. It's just, it used, I used to be much more reliant on your presence for lots of reasons. And now it's like I can entertain myself mostly. I can even recognize when I'm bored and deal with that alone if I have to. So, I don't know. I'd say whatever they need. And then, you know, if it's kind of conflicting, I could see compromising, you know, whatever that needs. Because I certainly don't mean that like, your spouse should get to go away from the house and like ignore their responsibilities. I'm just saying like, you come together as a family to your duties, whatever you need to go decompress here, there, whatever, or the evening once the kids go to bed. I think it's fine if you don't want to talk to each other. You know, what is one question that you think should be asked by couples before they get married? Like one thing they got to know about each other. I think there's lots of big ones. You got yours one? Oh, just half two, huh? Yes, it's a game. How to work out disagreements. Hey. Look at you, mister. How often do you want us to go out on dates? We definitely don't enough. We went as much as we should. Class I probably really want to. I feel like once a month. Once a month? Okay, just, I think we can call it good. Well, because there are other questions or more personal stuff. Okay, well, thank you for recording with me. Charlie, would you like to say anything? All right, cool. ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ Hey, hey, hey. What do you say? Listen, first and foremost, please make sure that you have provided this podcast with a five-star rating on whichever platform that you are listening. If you want to support the show, please rate, like, and share. Also like, comment, and share on any social media posts that you see for me on Instagram or Facebook, or TikTok. Please follow the podcast Facebook. Emotionally unavailable podcast. You can shop my foot online, store, or schedule a one-on-one with me. Emotionally unavailablepodcast.org. I'm offering what I'm calling non-traditional counseling, astrology readings, and tarot readings, and self-publishing services. And thank you so much for listening to the Emotionally unavailable podcast. ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ All right, I hope you enjoyed that weird awkward chaos. And until next time, let's just keep swimming. ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ I-N-D-E-P-E, and cook.