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Saving your marriage after an affair is possible. After 23 years together, I was devastated by my husband’s infidelity, yet seven years later, we are happier and more connected than ever. Here are the five steps I recommend to my clients, and the five rules of engagement that will help you and your partner find peace and happiness again, or maybe for the first time.
Five Steps to Save your Marriage after Infidelity:
- Ask yourself why,
- Prepare for all possibilities,
- Hold up a mirror and adore yourself,
- Do your work,
- Connect with your partner
Five Rules of Engagement:
- Be kind to everyone (including yourself)
- Go slowly,
- Take care of yourself,
- Remember to receive,
- Feel into being
About Lora:
Attorney, speaker and Burnout & Betrayal Recovery Coach, Lora Cheadle believes that betrayal uncovers the truth of what’s possible when we stop focusing on what was done to us and start showing up unapologetically for ourselves. She helps women rebuild their identity and self-worth after infidelity so they can reclaim (or find for the very first time) their confidence, clarity, and connection to source and create their own kind of happily ever after.
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(soft music) - You're listening to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. A podcast for women who've been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside, no matter what goes on on the outside. Download your free Betrayal Recovery Toolkit at BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com. (soft music) Hello and welcome to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I'm Laura Cheetall and today we are going to talk about saving your marriage. And what I want to say is it's not 100% about saving your marriage. It's about saving yourself because the truth of a matter is whether you want to save this marriage right now or whether you want to save her future marriage or whether you want to save a relationship, whatever it is that you want to save, this is the show that is going to help you do that. And as you go through the show, it's also going to help you figure out if this is indeed a marriage that you want to save or if you're like, "And no." And no, no, no, no, I'm good. I'm fine. Thank you for listening to, or thank you for speaking about this. But because of the show, I have figured out that nope, I indeed do not want to save this marriage at all. So yes, this show is going to help you save this marriage. It's going to help you decide if you want to save this marriage. It's going to help you save future marriages and quite honestly, it's going to help you save yourself in any relationship, whether it is a romantic relationship, a business relationship, a friendship. This can help you with your snarky teenagers. This is truly about saving any relationships. And yes, specifically saving a relationship after your partner's infidelity, saving a relationship after an affair, but all things count, all things count here because fortunately, the steps are the same. And yes, there are five steps to saving your relationship. And there's also five rules of engagement. So we're going to go over all of these. So by the end of our time together, you will be clear if you want to save the marriage and if you do want to save the marriage, what are the five things you need to do? And if you're living with your partner or even if you're living separately right now, what are the five rules of engagement that will help you have a happier outcome? But before we get into all of that, which is going to be a lot of goodness, I promise, I want to remind you of a couple things. I want to remind you that, "Hey, I'm Laura Cheetel." And I've been through this too. I found out that my husband had been cheating on me after 23 years of what I thought was a pretty darn good marriage. And yeah, here we are almost seven years later, still together and definitely happier and healthier than we were before. And in full transparency, is it all sunshine, rainbows, unicorns? No, there's tough times because guess what? Marriage is tough, relationships are tough, life is tough. But overall, we communicate better. We know each other better. We are happier, we are healthier. All things are better than they were before. And also, no, I'm not going to be SU and blow sunshine in places where it shouldn't be. It's a long arduous journey. It just is and it takes two willing participants. But here's the thing about all of that. I've been down that road and I'm on the other side. So I can help you. The whole reason I do what I do is because this was the kind of help I desperately needed and wasn't really available. There's a lot of great resources out there and there's a lot of resources out there that just aren't that great or they just didn't resonate with me. I'm an attorney. I feel like I'm pretty smart and I'm pretty quick on things. I also feel like I'm pretty open and I'm pretty honest. And my husband's the same way. He's an attorney also. And it was like, where is that balance between really good, solid information that makes sense, that is research backed? And that is also emotional and that is also connected and that is spiritual and that holds me in the place that I wanna be held. Where is that information? I didn't want something that was totally religion based even though I'm very spiritual. I didn't want something that was totally just analytical even though I've got the analytical parts of me. And I didn't want something that was just totally emotion. I needed that perfect blend of everything to move me forward, to help me understand, to empower me with what I didn't know. So I really could make clear, confident decisions. So I could beef up my own skills. So I could learn, so I could grow. So I could actually finally create the kind of life and relationship that I had wanted all along and that I just didn't know how to get. So that's where I came from. That is why I do what I do. I do it because this is exactly what I needed. This is exactly the blend that I needed. So welcome. I'm really, really glad you found me because I know the information in this podcast will transform you and your life forever. It will help you transcend the pain, the drama, the heartbreak, all of that. And it will put you on the road to becoming who you are, to becoming who you were meant to be, to becoming everything that you want to be and that you want your relationship and your marriage to be. So remember to subscribe to this podcast so you don't miss an episode. And please, please, please, please hop on Apple podcast and leave me a review. I usually don't ask for reviews, but the more reviews we get, the more the algorithm sends out the podcast and the more people who were in our situation and need this information will be able to find us. Because I know from all the reviews and the messages that you get, this information is transformative. This information changes lives. So please subscribe to the podcast, hop on Apple and most importantly, leave me a review. Yes, you can do it anonymously so other people can find it. So are you ready to talk about saving your marriage? How to save your marriage after infidelity? How to save your marriage after an affair? Five steps to saving your marriage. All right, step number one. Ask yourself why you want to save your marriage. Write this down. Why do you want to save your marriage? You know what so many other people that I work with one on one that I coach with will say? They'll say because I love him. 'Cause I want to save my marriage because I love him. Okay, that's a place to start. But I'm asking you to get a little deeper than that. That's a great surface reason, but it's more along the lines of not really saying anything. What does it mean when you love someone? Why do you want to stay married? I want to stay married because I want to have a stable home for my kids. I want to stay married because I don't want to work outside the home and I'm currently at home with my kids. I want to save the marriage because I don't want to get divorced. I want to stay married until I get a good job and can support myself financially. I want to get married until my kids get married and have homes of their own. I want to stay married, name it. Name it clearly for yourself and make it a real reason. I'm not saying that love isn't a real reason, but what I am saying is you can go a little bit deeper than that. What does that mean? Does it mean I really enjoy being with this person day in and day out? Does it mean I have gotten comfortable with our routine and I am afraid to change that because I don't know what it's going to look like on the other side? Does that mean I'm afraid I'm never going to fall in love again that I'm never going to find love again? What does it mean when you say because I love him? What does that mean? Because love goes a couple of different ways. It's love and be loved. And you can love a person whether or not you are with them. I can love Hugh Jackman, even though he doesn't even know why he exists. I can love sees all dark chocolate with caramel, even though it's the thing and it's not capable of loving me back. I can love my brand new baby, even though my baby probably as a brand new baby doesn't actually really love me back. I can love my snarky teenager when they do not love me, or at least when they claim they don't love me. What does it mean to love someone anyway? Well, what about all the time somebody loves you back and you don't love them and you're like, "Oh my gosh, I don't really don't feel that way. Please don't feel that way." So what does that even mean? I want to stay together because I love him. Okay, that doesn't mean anything. It might mean because I'm used to our life. I like having someone to go to dinner with. I like having someone take care of the house, the yard, the kids, whatever it is. Break that down and please be honest with yourself. You don't have to write this down or share it with anybody. Just be honest with yourself because it's a good living because it's a whatever. Like it's okay if it sounds a little rude. Be honest. And that's important because when you're clear and honest, it helps you figure out some of these next steps. It helps you figure out what you will and will tolerate. It helps you figure out how long you will or will stay. It helps you have a plan. One of the things that I do when I coach people one-on-one is we do a lot of work around identity, who you are and what you want. And then how do you get what you want? Because what you want and how to get what you want are two very different things. And I can't tell you how many stories I hear from women who will say, "I wanted a divorce years ago, "but I was scared, I wasn't confident "because I didn't know what to do. "I didn't know how that would look. "I didn't know how to take the steps. "I didn't know what steps to take. "I was afraid because I had never managed money. "I didn't understand finances. "I didn't know about annuities or investments "or I didn't know filing taxes, tax returns. "Like I didn't know these things. "So I stayed because I didn't know what to do." And that is exactly what my six month coaching package is about and that's why it's six months because it takes six months to a year to figure out who are you and what do you want and then how do you take the steps to get what you want? Because even if you know, I wanna leave or I wanna stay, well, how do you get it to be what you want? If you wanna stay but you want the relationship to be different, how do you do that? And there's a lot of steps that go into that. It's not, do not believe anybody who can be like, "I can promise you that in 30 minutes, no, you can't." It takes a while to figure it out into process but that's why this first step, ask yourself why? Why do you wanna stay? If you're on the fence, ask yourself, "Also, why do I wanna go?" And even if you're very clearly in the camp that I wanna stay, ask yourself why you wouldn't want to stay too because you've gotta know where you're standing. And when you know where you stand, then it's easier to be who you are because you know where you stand. And again, if you're working with a counselor or clergy or a coach or me, we can talk about this, yes. But you can also just journal about it and think about it when you're driving. Why do I want to stay? Now, step number two in saving your marriage after an affair or in figuring out if you want to save your marriage is preparing for all possibilities, preparing for all contingencies. And you might be thinking, why would you tell me to prepare for divorce if I know I wanna stay? Here's the reason why. Whichever camp you're in, whether it's a go camp or a stay camp or an I don't know at all camp, when you know all of the different possibilities and contingencies, it opens the aperture. It opens the aperture of awareness and it makes you less afraid, which actually makes you stronger in your conviction to stay because it's a true choice. It's not a default position. I want you to hear that again. When you open the aperture, when you prepare for all possibilities, it's a stronger position because you are staying by choice, you are not staying by default. Makes sense? Here's how that plays out. If I say I want to stay and I do step one and I ask myself why, and I figure out this litany of reasons why I wanna stay, I am reaffirming what's really going on. But I'm also a little bit locking in my position. It's better for the kids. It's better for us financially in the future. I am afraid that I won't be, you know, find love, I'll be, I'll die alone, like all of these different reasons. I don't understand finances. I'm just gonna stay safe where I'm at. Well, when you open the aperture, when you explore possibilities, what would divorce look like? Okay, I might have to take a financial literacy class. I might have to get some financial literacy coaching. Okay, I will have to grow up, own up, empower myself to make financial decisions. Okay, got that. Once your mind has wrapped around what I need to do, it becomes less scary because it's not this big black hole out, they're like, I don't know, but then I'm gonna lose all the money and it's gonna be awful. You have planned it out already. Maybe you have even Googled, like, oh, I'm gonna join this community, or you've downloaded some things. I downloaded a financial planning. I've got a new budget tracker. I'm doing my budgeting now in a way that I've never done it before, even though I'm married because it's good practice. You figure it out. Most of us are afraid of divorce because most of us don't go through multiple divorces. We don't become divorce experts. We hear all the horror stories that are out there. So why do I wanna stay married? Because I don't wanna divorce. Okay, well, open the aperture, prepare for all possibilities. What would a divorce look like? What is the documentation you need for a divorce? What is the average cost of a divorce in your area? What are possibilities for undivorous alternatives? Mediation, settlement agreements. What's out there? Have an appointment with an attorney. Figure it out. Google, what are the child support guidelines in your state? What are you do in terms of, is this a community property state? Is this an equitable distribution state? Like, educate yourself. Because once you start educating yourself a little bit more and you're like, oh, usually in my state, it only takes 90 days to get a divorce. Or wow, the courts in my part of town are really booked and it looks like it's gonna take like a year to a year and a half to get divorced. You know it. So then it takes the fear away because you know it. And then you can actually make a more clear decision. Because like I said earlier, you're staying by choice. You're not staying by default positioning. Because there's nothing worse than saying I'm staying in a marriage because it's just way too scary to live on my own. It's way too scary to go through the divorce. It's way too scary to figure out childcare. Finances are way too intimidating. And gosh, I don't want people to judge me. That's not a powerful stance. And that's what I'm here to do. My business, life choreography, coaching and advocacy. Coaching and advocacy. I can coach you through these questions and then can I advocate for you? Sure, but what I really want is to teach you how to advocate on behalf of yourself. Whether you're advocating to your partner, to your family, to your friends, to your employer, to the attorney that you've hired, to the judge, to the mediator, you need to know how to advocate effectively and clearly for yourself. Now we're gonna pause for a second. You are so lucky. I am in the finishing stages of putting together some really powerful workshops on advocacy. They're good. They're a lot. They're like four hour workshops. And yes, we're gonna do some in person and we're gonna do some on Zoom. But keep your eyes peeled for that because especially as a woman, we need to learn how to advocate on behalf of ourselves because this culture that we're in, this society that we're in, women aren't powerful. They're bitchy, they're witchy, they're aggressive. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're not. It's society's perception of us when we put our foot down that suddenly we get witchy and aggressive, not true. But we're also not taught those skills as girls. It's getting better. But most of us were not raised by empowered women, by empowered men who are teaching us how to communicate clearly and advocate. We were taught to be good girls. We were taught to be kind. We were taught to be accommodating. We were taught to have people like us. We were taught to advocate on behalf of ourselves. No problem. I can teach you that now. It is never too late to learn. It is never too late to learn. And you might be like me too. You might be in a position where you're like, it's so wonky because I can advocate for my kids or in my job as a lawyer, I can advocate on behalf of other people. But when it came to me, I was so willing to roll over and play nice. Not anymore. Not anymore. I have the skills, I have the strategy, I have the tools, and I have the practice. And I can give all of that to YouTube. So if you were not already on my list, I want you to be, because I'm gonna be sending out notifications for those workshops. Go to betrayalrecoveryguide.com. Not only will you get a free copy of my betrayal recovery toolkit, but then you will be on my list. I only email about every couple of weeks, not a big deal, but that way you'll be on my list and then you can have access to the workshops. You can also find me on social media. Social media is a great way to stay in touch if you're on social media. Anyway, are you ready to get back to these five steps to save your marriage? Or to figure out if your marriage is worth saving? Good, me too. Step one, ask yourself why and get very clear. Number two, prepare for all possibilities. So the decision to stay or to leave is by choice, not by default. Okay, number three, sit down for this one. This is a big one. This is the meat and potatoes of everything that I believe. And self advocacy is a part of that. Hold up a mirror and adore yourself. Probably makes no sense. What, Laura? Hold up a mirror and adore yourself. I am a big believer in all of the things, whether it's course of miracles, law of attraction, any of those spirit-based things, so we are here to learn lessons. We are here to grow as souls, whether it's God or spirit or universe. However you wanna couch it, we are here for a divine reason, that it's not just accident and happenstance and we don't just roll through life, but that all things conspire together for our growth, for our well-being. And I know, because I know so well, my husband cheated with five women for 15 years. I know what it's like to be punched in the fricking gut with this kind of information. And you're not gonna polyammit it. There is nothing good about this. There is nothing like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna get through it and be stronger. Like, that makes you wanna vomit. Will you get through it? Yes. Will you be stronger? Yes. Right now, are you stinking kidding me? This is awful and it hurts. What do you do? You have to adore yourself. I don't mean like yourself, I don't mean love yourself. I mean, adore yourself. We'll talk about the holding up of the mirror in a minute, but it's adoring yourself. It is holding yourself with tenderness. It is holding yourself with love. It is knowing that you are special, that there is nobody like you out there, that you are so worthy of having friends, that you offer so much to other people, that people would want to be around you because of who you are, that you don't have to do things for other people. In lower language, you don't have to please, you don't have to conform and you don't have to perform. You are just this adorable soul person being. You are so adorable. You are so wonderful. And it's turning that light on yourself and feeling what it feels like to be adored. Feeling what it feels like to be cherished. Feeling what it feels like to be special. Feeling what it feels like to be loved. All of those things, I prefer the word adore, because I think about adoration, kind of in the biblical context, of like, how are we adoring Christ or Mother Mary or the saints? How do you adore any religious icon? It's that love, it's that adoration, it's the opening up the heart, it's that reverence and it's having that for yourself. And I'm just gonna say this because it's true. Until you can feel that and sense that in yourself, things aren't gonna get better. And I know that that's a tall order and I don't expect you to just being get there. But what I want, what I want for you is for you every day to take steps towards getting there. Even if you can just wake up in the morning and feel adoration for yourself for 30 seconds, start there. At the end of every night, literally wrap your arms around yourself, rub your arms, squeeze. And just send that adoration into yourself because you know what, you are on a big journey. You're on a really big journey, probably a journey you didn't want to be on, probably a journey you never saw coming. So give yourself that love and that adoration. Now, the first part of this, step number three, is hold up the mirror and adore yourself. Okay, don't let this trigger you, just sit with it, let it float. Ask yourself, how the infidelity made you feel? Powerless, horrified, betrayed, devalued, old and ugly, unimportant. Right now, what is that first word? How did this infidelity make you feel? How did this experience make you feel? Okay, this is that holding up the mirror. How have you made yourself feel that way? In the past, how did you make yourself feel unimportant? How have you made yourself feel old and ugly? How have you made yourself feel powerless? How have you made yourself feel this way? And it might not even be made, it could be let yourself. How have you let yourself feel powerless? How have you let yourself be unimportant? How have you let yourself feel? However, it is that the infidelity has made you feel. I know, this is a lot, don't defend against this, don't push against this, just let this float. You are not to blame for your partner's infidelity. I'm not saying, oh my gosh, you totally attracted this. How did you attract your partner's infidelity? You did nothing to cause this. But what were the feelings in you that are similar to the infidelity that you have allowed yourself to feel? For me, I felt taken advantage of, I felt cheated, I felt unimportant, I felt powerless. And then when I looked in the mirror, I could start seeing, where did I take advantage of myself? Where did I cheat myself? Ouch, where did I go about making myself unimportant? Ouch, and I went through those, that list, and it's not about self-blame and judging yourself. Again, like in step number two, when I said open the aperture and prepare yourself for all possibilities, this is opening that aperture. You can't force your partner to heal the wounds that they created through this infidelity. Hear that, you can't force yourself. Scratch that. You can't force your partner to heal all the wounds within you that they created through the infidelity. The only thing you can do is you can heal the wounds within you that you created when you let yourself feel that way, they can be tiny, they can be medium, they can be huge, but here's what I will say. You did things to yourself. Not knowingly, not intentionally, but you have done things that have hurt yourself. Now is the time to heal that. No spiritual bypassing, no blaming your partner. Yeah, but what they did was worse. Sure, I might have neglected myself. I was busy, I was taking care of the family. Anybody in my position would have done that. There's nothing wrong with what I did. No, there is nothing wrong with what you did. Most of us do neglect ourselves to take care of our families. Most of us do get strung out and burned out and exhausted. There's nothing wrong with that. It's not a blame situation. It's an awareness situation. Hear that. It's not a blame situation. It's an awareness situation. When you are aware of the places that you hurt yourself, you can heal it. You can't force your partner to help you heal that. Nor can you just heal it on your own when somebody else does it to you. You have to start with where you've hurt yourself. That's a lot, that's looking in the mirror. That's taking huge accountability, huge accountability, opening the aperture, taking responsibility, being accountable. And as you're doing it, adoring yourself. As you're doing it, adoring yourself. I dismissed myself. I made myself unimportant. I betrayed myself. I abandoned myself. I did not keep promises to myself. I put other people ahead of me, kind of with this martyry attitude. I over-functioned. I did not give myself grace and space to play. I would get passive-aggressive. I would get manipulative. I did a lot of things. Not because I'm a bad person, but because I'm a human. But I hurt myself. I didn't love and prioritize myself enough to be honest and clear about who I was and what I needed. Because of myself abandonment, I hurt myself. How can I adore myself and prioritize myself and stay true to myself? That's where it starts. Did my husband lie in cheat? Heck yes. Did he hurt me? Heck yes. Can I control that? No way. I have to look in the mirror, see where I cheated myself, where I hurt myself, where I betrayed myself, heal that through my own adoration of myself. I have to love myself enough to heal my own wounds. Hear that. Love yourself enough to heal your own wounds. Sit with that. Think about it. Love yourself enough to heal your own wounds. Wow. Everything shifts when you can look in the mirror and when you can adore yourself. And when you can love yourself enough to heal your own wounds. All right, let's go on to step number four. Step number four to saving your marriage or to figuring out if this is even the marriage you wanna save is to do your own work, to work on you. Just like I was saying in step number three, holding up the mirror and adoring yourself and about loving yourself to heal your own wounds, healing your own wounds isn't done at two o'clock on Tuesday. It's a process. Physical healing takes time. Emotional healing takes time. Spiritual healing takes time. It all takes time. Work on yourself. I know your husband has problems. I know your partner has problems because cheating is a mental health issue basically. Cheating is when you're broken and you have a problem and you don't know what the solution is. It's a tool that people think will help but it doesn't help. We know that. I know that. Can you force your partner to see that? No. Can you force them to understand that? No. Sometimes we keep using the same tool that we have over and over and over and over again. Alcohol's a tool. Porn is a tool. Cheating is a tool. There are so many different tools. Zoning out on social media is a tool. We all know certain tools aren't effective and we still use those tools because we're not done with them yet. So no, you can't force your partner to change. There are certain ways, yes, you can provide awareness. You can offer a book or a podcast. Definitely go back to the three podcasts that I did with my husband. There's three of them where he and I did a show together and I interviewed him on his state of mind. Those are absolutely transformative for men because it puts into words all of the things that they are thinking, but they don't have the words to say. And it makes it so it's okay for them to be vulnerable and share. So go back to those three podcasts, share them with your partner. But the bottom line is you can't do your partner's work nor should you. And if you find yourself getting involved in your partner's work, please back out. Please back out. That's called being codependent. That is not healthy and it's not going to last and you will make yourself crazy. You absolutely will make yourself crazy. I know the betrayal creates a lot of energy within you to fix things, to make things better, to want to get back to normal. Oh my God, who does not want to get back to normal? We all want to get back to normal. You've got to do your own work though. Whether it's sing a therapist, whether it's reading books, whether it's journaling, whether it's working with the coach, whether it's a financial coach or somebody like me that can help you reclaim your identity and your self-worth and figure out who you are and what you want. Whatever it is, whether it's a career coach, do your work, do your work on you, make yourself the best, most strongest, amazing version of who you are. We just talked about holding the mirror up and seeing all of the wounding that you have. The way we hurt ourselves is so often the way we were hurt as kids. The way we hurt ourselves is the way we were hurt as kids. If we were ignored as kids, maybe we ignore ourselves. If we were just missed as kids, maybe we just miss ourselves. Or we just miss others. But there's often that root in childhood that we seek to heal in our adult relationships. Heal it in the relationship you have with yourself. Whether you are an adult child of an alcoholic, whether you're an adult child of dysfunctional parents, whether you went through trauma or abuse or whether you had a pretty darn good childhood, but just life is traumatic. We all have those scars. Heal those scars in you first. Which all leads up to step number five. And step number is five is connect with your partner as a new version of who you are. And once you connect with your partner as a new version of who you are, that's when you can determine if this relationship is going to work and what you need to do to save the marriage. Because you need to be a new person. You've gone through this experience and yes, you probably really like the person you were before. I kept thinking like, oh my gosh, is this fall from innocence? I'm so much worse of a person right now. I want the old me back, but that's not the case and it's not gonna happen. So how do you make this new version better, stronger, clearer, more powerful, more kind, more compassionate or loving, whatever it is? The goal is to build a new, better relationship. The goal is not to go back to a relationship that was broken. The goal is also not for you to stay in the same place and to have your partner change because, oh my gosh, if your partner changes, the relationship won't work. And so many people don't hear that and don't get that. If your partner changes, it's not just you having a different partner. A relationship is two people. And if your partner changes, like all of us women wanna change our partner, we wanna change them. If they change, we have to change too. Because a relationship is the dance. And when they change, we have to dance differently. And when we change, they have to dance differently. There is truly no such thing as us not changing and having our partner miraculously get it and figure it out and do all of his work and then coming back together and just having the relationship perfect because all along I knew, all he needed to do was, all along I knew, all he needed to do was quit drinking or quit porn or pay more attention to me or get involved with the kids or deal with his dysfunctional mother. It doesn't work that way. If your partner changes and becomes the man of your dreams, it's gonna change you. And that's the magic of step number, what was it, three, holding up the mirror and adoring yourself. If you want a partner who adores you and who is the best partner possible, you have to be open to being partnered in that way. You have probably not been partnered in that way recently. So no matter what, you have to change. You have to change you in order to be a good partner for them. I have been making this joke for a long time and actually starting a whole new little Instagram video series on it because it's so powerful and it's so obvious but not obvious. And it's called, if I married Hugh Jackman, we all have that perfect relationship in our head. If I am with, and I'm just saying Hugh Jackman because that's my celebrity crush, Beatty, if I married Hugh Jackman, I am gonna show up and I'm gonna be so happy and positive and energetic every day. If I married Hugh Jackman, I'm gonna want sex all the time and I'm gonna cut other things out of my life and I'm gonna show up early and we're gonna have these long, hot nights and weekends and that. If I married Hugh Jackman, I'm gonna start cooking differently and I'm gonna exercise and I'm gonna stay in shape to the same level that he is in shape. And if I married Hugh Jackman, I'm gonna welcome his extended family and I'm gonna create all these incredible things and it's gonna be like the Brady Bunch. And I can keep going. And that's like the point. We have it in our head that if I have the perfect partner, I would do all of these different things because I would be adored, I would be loved, I would be cherished, I would be held, I would be in the sacred container of a relationship. And the truth of the matter, it is, it's less about the partner that you're with and it's more about you. If I can put myself in the position of being that person, that I will attract that person into my life, whether it's my current husband or somebody else. When you look in the mirror, when you adore yourself, you set yourself up as somebody who was worthy to be partnered really, really well. And then your current husband can step up to the plate and partner you really, really well because you're different and you're building a new relationship. Or they're gonna say, nope, not capable. And you're gonna say, nope, not capable, not worth going back there. And you will have that very clear knowing that you know what it's time to leave now. And since you've already done your contingency plan, you already know what to do, it's easy. It's easier. Nothing is super easy. Again, I like to be honest, but it's much easier. So you have to do steps one through four in order to get to step five. And step five is come back to your partner and see how it works out. You're new people. You're different people you want to be new and different people. And next with your partner and see. 'Cause it's about, let's just see if this works. And if it doesn't, that's okay to you. I can bless and I can release. Now, I'm going to finish with the top five rules for engagement with your partner as you go through this process. Because like I said earlier, the reason that I coach people for six months is this is like a six month process to figure that's all out, to show up differently, to do the work, to have all of the aha moments. It takes time. So whether you're living with your partner under the same roof, whether you have separated, whether you're like bird nesting and all coming in and out of the home, doesn't matter if you're together. It doesn't matter if you're apart. It doesn't matter. Here are the five rules for engagement for both of you. But again, who can you can control, you? So these are your five rules for engagement during this time while you do these things. Number one rule is to be kind to everybody. Just freaking kind, kind to yourself, kind to somebody else. Don't rub people's nose in things, just be kind. And I know it's hard and I know you're angry and I know and I know and I know. But if you can just be kind to somebody, if you can just be kind to yourself, it makes a world of difference. The second rule for engagement is to go slow. Don't decide anything yet. Just go slow. Have slow conversations, slow decisions, slow journaling. Just go slow because you're gonna wanna go fast. Because the tendency is to get back to that normal state, to put this behind you and to move on, please don't, please just go slow. Give yourself a chance to grieve and to breathe. Take things one day at a time because it does take a lot of time to develop and process. The third rule for engagement is to take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. Whether it's education, whether it's support, whether it's chocolate or coffee or working out or walks or having somebody come in and clean your house or take care of the kids. Just take care of yourself. So many people that I work with, even like spruce up their wardrobe, they get new sheets. They get some new makeup. I am big into fitness. Hop on my YouTube channel, do my yoga, do my bootcamp. Start taking care of your body. Start doing some breathing, some breath work, some meditations and hypnosis. When you sign up for the toolkit, you're gonna get a free full-length hypnosis. So you'll definitely wanna use that. But take care of yourself. Actively choose to take care of yourself. Number four is remember to receive. Ooh, this is a big one for me. When I lock into, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. And when so many people that I work with lock into, I can do it, I can do it. We get into that hyper self-sufficient mode, which is actually a trauma response. We need help. We need support. Whether somebody cooking is dinner, whether somebody just giving us a compliment. Sometimes people talk about hysterical bonding and they're like, "Should I, shouldn't I?" You know? Yes and no. I mean, it really depends. But if you need a hug, if you need to engage in some hysterical bonding and it feels good to you, receive it, receive it. If somebody brings you something, receive it. If your partner does something nice, this is a big one, receive it. Can you just receive it? So often, the people that I'm working with or in my Facebook group, they'll be like, "Oh my God, he did this, what do I do?" Clearly, they're just like trying to buy their way back into my good graces. I don't know, do you like the chocolate? Receive it. Do you like the trip? Take it. Do you like the cuddle? Take it. If you don't like it, you don't have to take it. But if you like it, receive it. Whether it's from your partner or a friend or somebody else, receive it. I even run into that. As you probably know, if you've been listening to me a while, I put out a lot of free content. Receive it. I offer free 15 minute calls. Sometimes people after the call, they'll say, "I was so afraid to book a call with you 'cause I thought it was gonna be a sales pitch." Oh my God, can you just receive the call? I'm giving you 15 minutes of my time. Receive it. Am I gonna ask you to work with me? Maybe. Maybe if I think we're a good fit, I'll make you that offer. Yes. Can you say no? Of course. Can you say later? Of course. Can you say not now? Of course. I'm not pushing. I'm not rude. I know you're vulnerable. I am not gonna like try to slam you into something. I'm offering it because I wanna give it to you. I'm offering it because I was there too and I was desperate. And I really, really wished I could talk to somebody sometimes and just be like, you survived. Tell me about how that happened. Tell me about what should I look for? Like, how do I know? I'm offering you a free 15 minute call, take it. If your partner's offering you something, take it. If a friend does all that, take it. Remember to receive. Yes, you're doing a lot on your own. Yes, you're holding up that mirror. You're doing your own work, but receive. And then the very last rule of engagement for getting through this time is to feel it into being. Feel it into being. And this kind of goes back to you when I was talking about ignoring yourself. Feel it until you become it. Feel capable until you are capable. Feel confident until you are confident. Feel adored until you are adored. Create those good feelings within yourself. Feelings happen because of our thoughts. Create those good feelings within yourself throughout this time. I am healing. I am processing. I am growing. We are changing. Feel, feel, feel it into being. So those are the five rules of engagement for you to do with your partner. If you're living together, if you're not living together, those are your rules for engagement, for getting through this time. And I gave you the five rules to save your marriage. Ask yourself why? Prepare for all possibilities. Hold up a mirror and adore yourself. Do your own work. First, fix yourself first. And then come back and connect to your partner. Thank you for listening. Reach out if you need anything. Connect for your free call that I am offering. Receive that from me. Hop on, BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com. Receive your six pack of gifts in your meditation. Receive, receive, receive. And in the meantime, remember to subscribe. Leave me a review for this podcast so we can help other people in your situation. Have an amazing week. And as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are, because who you are is always more. Not enough. Tune in next time to flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or Betrayal. With Laura Cheetle, every Wednesday at 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on syndicated dream vision seven radio network. Uncover the truth of what's possible for you on the other side of Betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free Betrayal Recovery Toolkit at BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com. (upbeat music) [MUSIC PLAYING]
