(soft music) - You're listening to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. A podcast for women who've been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their worth. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside, no matter what goes on, on the outside. Download your free Betrayal Recovery Toolkit at BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com. (soft music) - Hello and welcome to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. I'm Laura Cheetle and oh my goodness, am I excited for this? The other day I did a free webinar on overcoming obsessive thoughts and it was one of those days. Let me tell you, it was one of those days. I sold tickets on a Betrayal and I had a Zoom link up and running. And for some reason, Eventbrite crashed which made it so nobody could hook into my Zoom link, including me. (laughs) So then, since I couldn't get into Eventbrite because that was the whole thing, I literally had to go through and find all 29 email orders. Open them up, pull out their email address, recreate a Zoom room link and try to send it to everybody so people can get on the webinar because I know how important it is when you're counting on something to be able to have that thing happen. So long story, very long, very painful story short. Finally, it took literally like 20 minutes to create a new Zoom room, to try to get in and out of Eventbrite, to try to find everybody's emails and to send them a new link. So, by the time all of that drama happened, there were only a few people in the webinar, which made me realize, you know what? This is the kind of information that needs to be spread out there to the masses anyway. This cannot just be limited to the people who happen to be free at a certain time at a certain date. So, what I decided to do for this show is to give you the audio of that 30 minute workshop. It's a workshop on freedom from intrusive thoughts. Freedom from that obsessive thinking that just takes you down and spirals you in and makes you feel worse and worse and worse about yourself. Now, I know you might want to see the video too. And if you want to see the video, I will link it in the comments below because it's up on YouTube. But in any event, whether you're listening to this today, right now, or you're coming back to it on YouTube, it includes several bonuses and I want to make sure that you get the bonuses. One of those bonuses is a cognitive reprocessing worksheet. One of the best ways to manage obtuse of thoughts is using cognitive reprogramming followed by hypnosis. It's a two part thing, cognitive reprocessing helps, but hypnosis is what seals it in. And as you probably know, I am a hypnotherapist. So you are going to want to download the cognitive reprocessing worksheet so you can start reprocessing your intrusive thoughts and finding the peace that you want so you can get your brain back so you don't feel crazy anymore. So you don't feel like everything is just totally out of control. And then I'm also giving you a free hypnosis on deleting some of those bad memories, deleting some of those intrusive thoughts. So you should be able to manage a lot of your symptoms on your own. And here's what I'm going to say. Yes, these are tools, these are strategies, these are skills that you will be able to use for yourself, by yourself, not only now, but at any time in the future with any other situation, whether you're obsessing about, you know, your kids or your job or anything like that, this will help. Here's my one caveat. It's a lot. Sometimes it's a lot. Sometimes things are just too much for us to take. And if that's the case, please get help. I know I say this often, but get help, when you need help, get help. There is such this weird thing that I think especially women, I mean, men have it too, but we have it in a different way where we almost take pride in not getting help where we're like, I can do it on my own. I can do it all. And then it's weird because part of this feels like a martyr, like people should be stepping in and helping. Like we wish people would step in and help, but then at the same time we have this weird pride that I don't need anybody. I've got this all on my own. And here's what we want to say around that because this is something that I have worked with and struggled with in my life. And it's something that I continue to work with and struggle with in my life. And you do everything alone. Sure. Should you do everything alone? Heck, no. And you suck it up and be strong, of course. Is that really the kind of life you desire? No. And sometimes it makes me sad. It'll make you sad. I'm sure when you start thinking about it and you're like, okay, I can live life on my own. I can make do. Oh my goodness. We do not need to make do. We do not need to live on scraps. We do not need to work so hard and receive so little. And you know, something else, and this is making a wild judge McCall, and I'm just going to make this wild judgment. So often women will say to me, I did everything right. I tried so hard, I cared so much. And it's weird because the other woman didn't care, didn't try, didn't worry about doing the right thing, didn't think about consequences, didn't care. She's selfish, I'm kind and loving. I'm giving, she is obnoxious and rude. And you know what? That's even the same case with me. Like, I was the one that would give you the shirt off of my back. I was the one that was always worried about if people liked the food, if people were comfortable, if people were happy. I'm the one that worried about that. I'm the one that went around worrying about everybody else's needs, taking care of everybody else's needs. And yeah, sure enough, the other women, and there were five of them in my husband's case, the other women were really all in for themselves. They were all in for themselves. They didn't care about me. They didn't care about my family, the kids. They didn't even care about my husband. They cared about what they could get from the situation. And you know, a lot of bitterness came from that. There was definitely a lot of bitterness around that because of that whole thing. Why am I not getting what I deserve? Because we've all been raised with this fairy tale belief that if we do the right thing, people will take care of us. If we do the right thing, we'll be seen for who we are. If we do the right thing, our prince will come, the good ending will come. If we do the right thing, and it's the whole Cinderella complex, that if we do the right thing, beautiful things will happen and people will see our good kind of loving hearts. And not to be totally cynical, but I am going to be a little cynical here. That's not true. That is not true. Let me just burst that bubble for you. Nobody is going to see you. You were not Cinderella. Sadly, we are not in a fairy tale. You do not have a fairy godmother. And people will not see that in you. And here's the shift that I had to go through. I had to go through that realization, that fall from innocence. And then I had to figure out, OK, how do I advocate effectively on my own behalf without being a total evil stepmother, evil step-sister, wicked witch myself? How can I care more fully about myself and my comfort, my needs than making other people comfortable? How can I let go of that? And still be a nice person. And you know, you can't, you can't. It takes practice. You will mess things up. But it really comes from those personal boundaries, truly recognizing how much you love yourself and how much you care about yourself. And that recognition and that realization that you are the only one who can love yourself in that way. And yeah, having those boundaries around your time and your energy and your wants and desires and not settling for less feels wildly uncomfortable at the beginning because we are so used to settling for less. I took pride in how little I could live with. I took pride in how much I could flourish, despite being starved emotionally. And it's my guess that many of you have had moments like that too, where you're like, "I can make do. I can persevere." But when I was growing up, my mom used to read "The Little House on the Prairie" books to me. And I absolutely loved them. But so much about that was making do. And you know, mom, how were the parents? And they had three little girls. And it was all about what mom could do with nothing. What she could create in the middle of a prairie with no resources, with no money and all the magic she could bring. And you know, there's a lot of beauty to that and there's a lot of joy to that. But it's also not necessary. It's my hunch that you do not have to create something out of nothing. It's my hunch that you can create something out of nothing. It's my hunch that you can absolutely take care of yourself and everybody else, but why if you don't need to? Why if you don't need to? You deserve more. You deserve joy and love and emotional connection and support and to feel safe in your own body, in your mind, in your heart, in your home. You deserve more than you are probably giving yourself. And as you will see, the reason I started this, as you will see in this workshop on overcoming intrusive thoughts, this is kind of what underpins all of that. The belief in our own self-worth, the belief in our own deservingness, the ability to truly not care what other people think, to not care what other people think, to not seek to please them, but to be so solid in yourself and your worth and what you want and what you know on a solo level you are worthy of. That's what underpins the ability to transcend obsessive thoughts, is being able to return yourself home to who you are, to be able to return yourself home to the knowingness of who you are, to be able to acknowledge how and when you've been hurt and also to be able to acknowledge your own strength to persevere and to get through it. Not in a self-sacrificial way, but in a very powerful and loving way that is loving and powerful towards you. So, with that, I really hope you enjoy this workshop. Pull out a pen and paper if you can. If not, like I said, you're going to want the worksheet, I can't download or attach the worksheets to the podcast. So email me, DM me, whatever it is, Laura L O R A at Laura Cheetel, L O R A C H E A D L E dot com, email me, I'll send you the email, I'll send you the video, I'll send you the hypnosis, I'll send you whatever it is that you need so you can actually do this workshop. So you can have the cognitive reprocessing worksheet and you can have the hypnosis and you can start making yourself feel better. And then if you need help, reach out to me. Why? Because you deserve help. Why? Because we are restructuring the way that you think. We are breaking you out of that pervasive belief that you have to take care of other people ahead of you. And we are re-grounding you in your identity and we are re-grounding you in your self-worth. My favorite way to work with people is a six-month coaching package because in six months, we can totally break you out of people pleasing. We can totally get you re-grounded and re-centered. But if you're not sure, we can also do a one-on-one session just once or twice or three times, we can do whatever you need. And that's one of the things too I'm gonna get up on my soapbox again. That's something else. I want you to start asking for what you want. I want you to start practicing asking for what you want. If you wanna work with me in a different way, ask me. Ask me for what you want. If you were like, I don't want this three-month thing, I want a six-month thing, ask me. If you were like, I don't want this, I want that. Ask me. Let me be your safe space. Practice asking me. Ask other people too, whether it's at a restaurant or a grocery store or a movie theater. Practice asking for what you want. Even when, especially when, it's not what's being offered. Practice asking for what you want. Because you are worthy of receiving what you want because taking care of yourself matters and you're not being abusive of other people. When somebody asks me for a payment plan, when somebody says, can we do this with 30-minute sessions instead of 90? When people ask, they get what they want and we create something that works for everyone. So, if you need extra help, get help. Obviously, I want you to work with me, but if it's with somebody else, work with somebody else. That's what matters is that you are taking care of you, that you are building you, that you were becoming exactly who you were meant to be because betrayal uncovers the truth. Not just about the other person and what they did, but about you and who you are ready to become. Your transformation is waiting. Reach out and take it. Have an amazing week. I will pop back in at the end of the webinar. Hello, this is Laura Cheetel and Eventbrite crashed on me, which was 100% not helpful and I still cannot access it. So, apologies that the link didn't get in. We adjusted a webinar with the people who were able to get in, but what I wanted to do was hop on and just recreate some of that so I could send it out to you. And yes, I will send you the hypnosis and the files as well. As you know, I am Laura Cheetel. I am an attorney and a betrayal recovery coach and I have also been through infidelity and betrayal. So, I know exactly what it is like to have intrusive thoughts and it hurts and it stinks because you can't do anything. You feel like you're going crazy. You feel like you can't manage your own thoughts. You can't stay in the present moment because you're always back there in the past or way in the future trying to figure out what's going on. So, that's what we're gonna do. We're gonna get you your brain back. We're gonna get you your sanity back and I'm going to teach you exactly what to do to have freedom from those intrusive thoughts. So, you can start reading, sleeping, working, enjoying and living life again. The very first question is, whenever you have an intrusive or obsessive thought, ask yourself, is this thought helpful or is it habitual? Is this thought helpful or habitual? There's different things to do if it's helpful than if it's habitual. Most of us have habitual obsessive thoughts. So, I'm going to start with the helpful ones because that's a little bit faster and easier. If the thought is helpful, it means it's your brain telling you there's something more here. There's something you're missing. It's like foreshadowing in a book or a movie. When you're like, that was an interesting little detail. I wonder why that was there. It's your brain saying, pay attention. You're missing something. It's your intuition saying, listen to this, think this through, does this really make sense? So, that's where I want you to start. Is it helpful? Dig deeper. If it's helpful, you need to dig deeper. You need to uncover what is this thought trying to tell me? What is this thought trying to tell me about myself, the situation or another person? Is this thought trying to tell me that I'm abandoning myself, that I'm ignoring red flags? Is this thought trying to tell me to pay more attention to something? To figure out next steps. Is this thought trying to get me to look at the situation differently? Or is this thought trying to help me learn something about the other person? What is this thought trying to tell me? Then, I've got some questions. I'll give you this worksheet. Use some journaling to uncover and understand what this thought is trying to tell you. Often, our obsessive thoughts are there to keep us safe, to keep us from getting hurt again. When that's the case, you can think that thought. Thank you for being here. Thank you for trying to keep me safe. Thank you for protecting me. But I've got this, so I don't need you. You can go. Or, and what do I need to do to stay safe? And what's next? If you identify there is a thought here and its purpose is to keep me safe, then what do I need to do to stay safe? I'm a big proponent of writing things down. So you can write down. What is this thought trying to do? It's trying to keep me safe. Great. What do I need to do to stay safe? And then you can have your list. Find out more information about. Ask these four questions. Contact an attorney and find out about divorce in my state. Meet with a financial planner. You'll have those steps, and then you'll have them written down. So you know, this thought is trying to keep me safe. In order to stay safe, I need information. I need support, I need questions answered. And then you have it written down. It's kind of like when you wake up in the middle of the night and your thoughts are racing, if you write them down, they're memorialized. They're memorialized. So then you can relax because you know they are there and you know you can return to them in the morning. So write down. What is this thought here for? What's it trying to do? What's it trying to tell me? Because when you know what it's there for, what it's trying to tell you, then you can figure out what you need to do. And it's a helpful thought. And then you can let it go because, yay, thank you, you've been helpful. Regarding intuition, your thought might be there to be like, you're, no, there's more here. Great. How can I tune into myself more? How can I listen to my heart? How can I listen to my gut? How can I get out of my head and into my body? So I can figure this out. Those are helpful, intrusive thoughts. Now, on the other hand, if your intrusive thought is not helpful, by default, it's habitual. It's habitual. The way to get rid of a habitual thought is through a combination of cognitive restructuring and hypnosis. Cognitive restructuring is just like what it sounds. It's cognitive, it's in your brain. Hypnosis is in the subconscious portion of your brain. So when you cognitively restructure something up here, it's a conscious action. And then when you use the hypnosis, it's a subconscious action. Which allows you to use your entire brain's capacity to move forward and heal. And that's what we're going to do today. All right. And one of the things I'm going to give you is a cognitive restructuring worksheet, as well as a bunch of other goodies. When you're trying to cognitively restructure a thought, a habitual thought, the very first thing you need to do is identify what that thought is. Usually the reason we got so locked in is because we have this conglomeration of thoughts. We have this whole thing about how bad it is, how unfair it is, how this, how that, how hurtful, how it impacts us, how it impacts the kids, how I've been all of these thoughts, restructure by separating those apart. Okay, I'm hurt because he had sex. I'm hurt because he lied. I'm hurt because he said he loved her. I'm hurt because she was half my age. I'm really stressed out that the sex was better with somebody else. I can't believe I didn't see this. I can't believe I tried so hard and was so unappreciated. I can't get over how this feels. There's all of these thoughts. Separate them. The example that I always give is if you've ever like traveled with necklaces and they get all tangled up in there, if you start pulling on the necklaces, it only tightens the knots more. And then you can never get them separated. What helps is loosening, softening, finding one necklace chain, pulling that one chain out, then finding another chain, untangling that. And then pretty soon you're like, oh, the whole lot of necklaces has been untangled. This is perfect. So that's what you're doing with obsessive thoughts. You're untangling them one at a time and you're managing one thought at a time. Step two, after you're starting to untangle, is you're examining the evidence. I'm a lawyer, I like evidence. You're examining both supportive evidence and contradictory evidence to each thought. And again, slow down. Slow way down do this one at a time. One thought, he said he loved her. He lied to me. He had sex with whatever. Identify the supporting evidence. Yes, my partner did lie. Yeah, my partner did tell somebody else he loved her. Yes, I would then hurt. Yes, I can't quit crying. Supporting evidence. Yes, this is true, this is true, this is true. And while you might be wondering, why are we talking about supporting evidence? That's just more hurtful. The truth of the matter is sometimes we have obsessive thoughts as a way to validate our own pain. Sometimes we have obsessive thoughts as a way to validate our own pain. Because we will live in a world where people are like, "Get over it already." Or our partner to help them with their guilt is like, "Can you just move on? "Can't you just trust me and move on?" And we're still hurt. We're talked about this. We're talked about this, like when you have an external wound, it's easy to see and other people can be like, "Oh, you're still bruised. "Oh, you're still on crutches. "Oh, you're still in a cast." When they're internal wounds, other people tend to forget about them. Other people totally forget about them. And they're like, "Yeah, shouldn't you be over that by now?" Because in their world, things have moved on. So sometimes obsessive thoughts are there to validate your own pain. And that's why it's important to look for that supporting evidence so you can validate your own pain. He did lie to me. I did try so hard and I was totally used and abused. I tried and I got hurt. He did cheat, he did lie. He did use marital funds, whatever it is. Validate, look for that supportive evidence to your thought. You are not an irrational being. That's what I really want you to know. You are not irrational. So validate, what is important to validate in those thoughts. And then the next step in that is looking for that contradictory evidence. If the obsessive thought is, "It's my fault. "I should have known. "Why didn't I do things better?" Contradictory evidence might be cheating is a choice. I did not cause my partner's cheating. This is not my fault. Contradictory evidence to somebody telling, him telling her he loved her might be, he felt pressured into it. She was trying to make the relationship deeper and he got pressured into it. Contradictory evidence might be any number of things, but what's contradictory about that? What is not true about the thought that you're having? Supporting evidence is, "I was hurt." Contradictory evidence might be, "I've been hurt before and I've healed. "I'm not gonna stay hurt forever." So that's that examining the evidence. You do a 360 degree view where you're examining the evidence all around looking at the evidence. What's right? What's wrong? What's questionable about it? And then step three, step one is identifying, strand, or breaking it down, identifying each part of the obsessive thought. Number two is examining the evidence, both supporting and contradictory. Step three is challenging your thoughts. Challenging the validity of your thoughts. Is this thought based on fact or feeling? I feel hurt. Is that a factor? Is that a feeling? Is there a more rational way to view this situation? And what would I tell a friend who had this thought? So examples around that. Is it fair for me to blame myself for somebody else's actions? Is it fair for me to go around feeling like this? Have I ever trusted somebody again after being hurt? Have I ever healed before? Have I ever been through something difficult? Challenge your thoughts. I can't get over this. Really? Can you really not get over this? Is there a scenario where you could get over this? Is there something else you've gotten over? Challenge your thoughts. Is this really true? Is it really true that I'm broken? And that's such a big one. People are always like, I'm broken. Is that really true? Is it really true that you're broken now? Or is it really true that you're broken forever more? Is it really true that he didn't love me then? Would it also be that he loved you but that he was in such an affair fog, that he was so confused, that he also took other actions? So often we want to make cheating about us because we're in a rational state of mind, cause impact. We're thinking about things from a rational point of view. When somebody is so hurt and so unable to identify what it is they're feeling and they have an affair, they're not thinking about you. They're thinking about getting their pain managed. They're thinking about themselves. They are in a completely selfish state. They are in a complete different brainwave state and you end up being collateral damage. They're not thinking about you. I want you to think about a time you made a mistake. Usually you're not thinking about the worst possible outcome. Usually you're thinking about all the positive things and then you realize, "Oh, that was bad." I have talked to many people who have said "I had a glass of wine with dinner and then I drove." Because they're thinking, "I had a glass of wine with dinner and I drove." But if you think about that from the whole other side, you consciously and intentionally drank and then drove. So if an accident happens, you're not going to say, "I chose to drink and I chose to drive," which you did. You chose to drink and you chose to drive. You're going to say, "I thought it was fine. I thought it was one glass of wine. I thought it was with dinner. I thought it was two hours later. I thought it was fine. I wasn't thinking about a drunk driving incident. And yet you drove after drinking. And that's that disconnect that happens so often with people who cheat. They're thinking about the best possible scenario, that it kind of makes sense that nobody's ever going to find out, that this is going to help me feel better, that this is I'm solving my problem in this way and nobody's ever going to know, so nobody's going to get hurt. They're not thinking I'm setting out to go hurt you. They're not waking up one day saying, "I'm going to go hurt my partner." They wake up not thinking about that. They wake up feeling in pain and confused and fragile ego and over time, having an affair seems like something that they do that's going to make them feel better. They are not consciously setting out to hurt you. So challenge those thoughts. Is it true that my partner truly set out to hurt me? Probably not. Probably not. Step four. Step one is untangle, identify. Step two is examine. All the evidence. Step three is challenge that thought. Is this really true? Step four is replace that thought with a balanced thought. And this is more than just an affirmation. This is about the good and the bad all in one thought. Here's what I mean by that. Here's an example. While my partner's infidelity hurt me deeply, it wasn't my fault, and I have the strength to heal and rebuild trust over time. Why this is more powerful than just an affirmation? It's not my fault. I have the strength to rebuild over time. It acknowledges your pain. While my partner's infidelity hurt me. While this wasn't fair. While I have spent the last six months feeling totally broken and inept. You're acknowledging your pain. I still have the strength to rebuild. I have the ability to get help. I have a great support system. I am in therapy. I am working with a coach. I am doing all of these different things and I can. Even though my partner's infidelity hurt me deeply, I still know it wasn't about me. Even though my partner took action that hurt me, I know it wasn't about me. I am taking care of myself and allowing myself to heal. That is a balanced thought. You're balancing the bad and how you feel with what you're capable of doing and what's real in this situation. Even though my partner said he loved her and it destroyed my soul, I know that he was in an affair fog. I know that he felt pressured into it. I know that those feelings of infatuation or luminance have nothing to do with the depth of our relationship and the family and the life that we created for all of those years together. I know that was what was real. I know that what we shared was real love. You're balancing both sides and you're replacing your obsessive thoughts with something that's true because our bodies know the truth. Our minds know the truth. And sometimes when we're too much into affirmations, it's too woo-woo. And our minds are like reject because that's not true. Reject because that's not validating me. So that is how to cognitively reprogram, repress us your brain. Now the second part of that is the hypnosis. The brain. The mind is about 10% conscious and is about 90% subconscious or unconscious. So that means whatever you cognitively reprogram up here, you're doing it with about 10% of your brain's power. 10% is not a lot. And then you have 90% that's habitual. That's the operating system that your body is running on. So if you have 90% of your brain telling you to focus and be obsessive and you have 10% of your brain telling you to move on and be conscious and thoughtful about it, what part do you think is going to win? The 90%. That's why we get stuck in a loop down here and we can't break free. The example that I like to give is watershed on a mountain. If you have a smooth mountain and a blob of snow, it's going to melt equally down all sides. In real life, based on the structure of the mountain, grooves happen and more of the watershed gets funneled to one side. And then it starts off as a little shallow groove. And then erosion happens and the root groove gets bigger and bigger and bigger and pretty soon you have a river. And pretty soon that watershed is going down this huge river halfway across the country. The more you think of thought, the deeper that groove is. Every time you have a thought, it's carving it deeper. It's carving it deeper. It's carving it deeper. So if you're on top of the mountain and you want to change that watershed and there's a really deep groove, it's going to take some effort. Cognitively reprocessing is 10% of the effort. So 10% you're saying divert the water this way. And you're creating a little track, a 10% deep track. We've got a 90% deep track over here, a 10% track over here. Sure some of that water is going to trickle down, but it's still going to go here and that groove is still going to keep being deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper. The hypnosis helps you divert that 90% over here so you can start building a deeper groove over here. And this groove is going to start shrinking. Does it take effort? Yeah, it still takes effort, but it's a lot easier using the hypnosis to bring that 90% of the subconscious on board so you can divert those obsessive thoughts. Now the reason we're not just starting with hypnosis is because it takes that cognitive reprocessing. So when you do the hypnosis, you're dealing with one thought at a time. You're re-formatting, re-working the operating system and you're dealing with one thing at a time, you're not overwhelming your system. Change is hard. We are creatures of habit. We can't change efforts. It'll never last. One thought, he loved her. One thought, he had sex with her. One thought, the sex was better. One thought, I am broken. One thing at a time. Because when you're aware of what you're shifting, you know where you're at and you know where you're going. Instead of we're just moving this direction randomly. I'm going to give you a hypnosis, but I also want to talk a little bit about what hypnosis does and why it works, why it works. You start a hypnosis session by relaxing, by getting out of the brain and moving into the body. So you can feel those sensations in the body. So you can slow the thoughts. When you slow the thoughts, they're a lot easier to direct. You clear the mind, you slow the thoughts, you don't totally stop the thoughts. Nobody's thoughts stop, even when they're asleep. You slow them down, you get into the body, not the mind. And then you can imagine, visualize or pretend that you are writing your obsessive thought on a chalkboard. I was so abused, he hurt me so much, I'm totally broken. I can't believe she was younger, thinner, pretty, or blubble, whatever it is, write it all down. Then calm yourself again, because that should create some anxiety. Find that anxiety in your body, calm, breathe. And then in your mind's eye, you can see yourself erasing those thoughts. Just like on an old chalkboard, erasing them. And then see yourself writing that new balanced thought. You can even take your hand up and start writing that new thought. While my partner's infidelity hurt me, I am capable of rebuilding self-trust. I am learning how to and then read that sentence again in your mind's eye and calm the body and feel the peace around the truth of that statement. And the hypnosis that I'm going to give you has got some delete, like you've got some buttons and you're going to delete it. But this is something you can do for yourself. This is a way to do the self-hypnosis. Relax, write it down, erase it, write something new. Feel that peace. And then open your eyes and move into the rest of your day. Now, the very last thing that I want to say is identifying those feelings in your body. If you've been listening to me, you know I am really big on feeling things in your body. When you feel, when you have an excessive thought, tune into your body. Where is that thought? Does it make your throat tight? Does it make your gut clenched? Does it make your heart shut down? Does it make your eyes bulged? Does it make your head hurt? Where is that obsessive thought in your body? Take it out. Throw it away. Brush it off. Do something physically shake. Stop. Wow. Do something to get that obsessive thought, like out. There we go. Of your head. Physicalize it and remove it. So those are my tips on how to stop obsessive thoughts. How to take back your brain, your body, your mind, your heart, all of that stuff. Going back to the beginning, just to recap. Question number one, most important, is this helpful or habitual? If it's helpful, you're figuring out what you need to know, what questions you need to ask, what support you need to get lined up for yourself. You're figuring out what to do. It's a to-do list. A helpful thought. Helps create a to-do list so you can take action to protect yourself. If it's also just helpful in keeping you safe, we are there to try to keep you safe. Thank you. Thank that thought. Thank you for being here. I've got this. Thank you for making me aware. I've got this. Thank that thought. Because once you think it, it's been acknowledged in a leave. That's when thoughts are helpful. When they're habitual, use the cognitive restructuring to identify, supporting contradictory evidence, challenge that thought, and then restructure it. And then use the hypnosis to anchor that in to your subconscious. And use the somatic processing to anchor it into your body. Now, I re-recorded this because of the whole Eventbrite Snafu thumbs down on that. So, you probably have questions. Reach out to me. Laura@lorachidl.com. I'm sending this to you. Hit reply. Ask your questions. Let me help you through this. I am here to help you. Let me help you through this. I will answer the questions on this webinar. You should have been here live. If it wasn't for the whole Eventbrite Snafu, you would have been here live. So ask me questions and let me help you one on one. You got kind of a bonus, actually. Maybe it was good that there was a Snafu because now you get this bonus. One of the things that I talked about with the people who were able to get on live was yes, this can be taken deeper. When I work with people one-on-one, we get into things like secondary gain. Secondary gain is huge. And what secondary gain is is when we're having a thought that we can't let go of, sometimes it's because that thought is helping us. And that's why it's called secondary gain, something that appears to be hurtful. But in reality, it's hopeful. An example of secondary gain is if I am broken, I am still hurting my partner. Maybe I want to punish my partner subconsciously deep down inside. I don't want to heal because I want them to understand what a big darn deal this was. I want them to suffer just a little bit more and I'm not done with them because I'm still angry. It's okay to feel that way. But when you identify, wow, I'm actually keeping myself hurt and obsessed to punish them? Hmm, I don't think it's worth me hurting just to punish them. Maybe there's a different way of doing this, of acknowledging that. That's a secondary gain. Another secondary gain is for yourself. When I was earlier on in the affair recovery journey, I invested more in myself. I invested more time, more energy, more money, more resources towards me because I was so hurting, so broken. So I would invest more money. I would get more massages. I got a coach. I got a therapist. I got like, I invested in the relationship. We did a retreat. I invested money that I normally wouldn't have invested. I invested time in self-development where normally I'd be like, no, I just got to catch up on things. No, I've got to work. No, I'm going to take care of things. I invested time, money, resources, energy into taking care of me. So if you heal too fast, it means you no longer have the excuse or the justification to invest time, money, energy in yourself. So sometimes there's this psychological belief, wow, I'm going to have to not pay for my coach and not pay for my massages if I'm healed. And I really enjoy the self-development and the self-awareness that I'm getting from working with a coach and I'm really loving my massages. So therefore, I'm not going to heal too quickly so I can still keep seeing my coach so I can still keep having massages. That secondary gain and so often we don't see that in ourselves. We need somebody else to help question us, point things out. And again, like I said, we can't do that just all in an hour and go through every single different thing. That's something that we would work on if you want to work together and we can start questioning it. There's a lot you can do yourself, but it's further, you can go further faster, quicker with a coach challenging you directly one-on-one. So if you ever want that, reach out, connect, let's have a session or six and let's get you fixed up. So again, my deepest apologies for this whole Eventbrite snafu, it was so confusing and I still don't really know what happened. I hope you got a lot out of this, reach out, I am here, I've been through it, I know what it's like and I look forward to connecting. Yay, you did it. I hope you got a lot out of that. Like I said at the beginning, if you want to watch the YouTube video, you can hop on YouTube and I will put the link below. Reach out, email me, Laura, L-O-R-A at LauraCheetal, L-O-R-A-C-H-E-A-D-L-E.com and I can send you the worksheet or the link to the hypnosis, but yes, you're going to want to do this cognitive restructuring followed by hypnosis, you're just going to want to do that because it's going to help. Biggest thing, like I said in the workshop, untangle, untangle, untangle, don't do too much too soon, do one thing at a time. And like I said at the beginning, if you need help, that's what I'm here for. I've been through it too, I've made through, made every mistake in the book, I've been through it, and I will say I am confidently and happily on the other side, and I do know how to take care of myself. Yeah, do I mess up, of course, we're all human, but I truly don't care about pleasing other people anymore, I care about pleasing myself. And here's my little caveat around that because so often people will say, well, I don't want to be that way, I don't want to be obnoxious, here's why you're not going to be obnoxious. You're not going to be obnoxious because if you're like me, you care about peace, you care about love, you care about connection, you care about divine sisterhood, you care about all of these things. So in taking care of myself, I am elevating others. So in fearlessly advocating for myself and unapologetically getting what I want and taking what I want, I am bringing everybody else up around me. It's not about, like I said earlier at the very beginning, other women, it's not about being obnoxious and bullying yourself and bulldozing through life at the expense of others. That shows the content of your character and if that's the content of your character, you're not a very nice person and that's not who you are and that's not who I am and when I'm taking care of myself, I'm elevating women, I'm elevating families, I'm elevating kids, I'm elevating empowerment, I'm even elevating men who have made horrible mistakes and truly want to grow and change. In taking care of myself, I am holding other people to a higher standard and we are all becoming better and that's what I know is true for you too. So being selfish is not selfish, it's elevating others. Again, reach out, I'm happy to answer your questions, whether it's about this webinar or anything else, I don't charge you to answer questions, that's not what this is about. This is about me supporting you because I've been there and because there are not great resources out there and it's confusing and it's painful and let me share my gift with you, let me share my wisdom with you, let me hold in love on you and support you. Because that's what I wished I would have had and I am giving what I wish I would have had and I am giving what I want to continue to receive now. So I truly look forward to connecting with you. It's the human relationships that may call the difference. I know you listen to me, I know I speak to many of you, but if you haven't reached out, I'm talking to you now. Reach out, let's form a connection, let's talk, let's connect, human to human, heart to heart. Have an amazing week and as usual, always remember to flaunt exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough. Tune in next time to flaunt, find our sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal with Laura Cheedle every Wednesday at 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on syndicated dream vision 7 radio network. Uncover the truth of what's possible for you on the other side of betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free Betrayal Recovery Toolkit at BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING]
