(soft music) - You're listening to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or betrayal. A podcast for women who've been betrayed by their intimate partner and want to turn their devastation into an invitation to reclaim themselves and their work. Tune in weekly so you can start making sense of it all and learn how to be okay on the inside, no matter what goes on, on the outside. Download your free Betrayal Recovery Toolkit at BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com. (soft music) - Hello and welcome to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after infidelity or a betrayal. I'm Laura Cheetle and before we get into today's topic, which is a good one, today's topic is all about how do you know the difference between being patient and settling for less? Because yeah, that's kind of a big one. How do you know the difference? Before we get into that, before we get into some tools and strategies and questions and things like that, and right after I fix my hair, 'cause it's driving me crazy, I want to ask you a favor. And that favor is, will you leave this podcast a review and rating on Apple podcasts? Pretty, pretty, pretty please. It's not going to take more than a minute or so, and it's vitally important for a few reasons. First of all, it helps people find the show. And I have had so many people comment and tell me, they're so grateful for the show that the content has changed their life, the wisdom has changed their life, they know more confidently, if they should stay, if they should go, they know what to do. And without ratings and without reviews, people can't find the show. And you know this about me. I'm really, really passionate about healing. I'm really, really passionate about helping people. And I want to get the show out there. And I can't do it alone. It takes you leaving five star ratings and leaving reviews. Yes, you can do it anonymously. Just go to Apple podcasts, find the show. I'm going to put the link in the show notes too. And then that way you can just open the show notes, click, leave a review, and that will really, really help. So thank you, thank you so much for doing that. It helps everybody, it helps me, but it helps also other people who are in our situation. So thank you, thank you for that. And now let's talk about knowing the difference between being patient and settling. Okay, infidelity recovery really requires a lot of patience. You need to have so much more patience than you probably even thought you had or ever thought you could have. And the reason that you need so much patience is infidelity is multifaceted. It's not just one thing. It's not like there is one cancerous tumor on your elbow and you just cut out that tumor and everything's fine. No, no, no, no, no, it's systemic. It's like having blood cancer. It touches all aspects of who you are. So that's the first reason you have to be patient. Infidelity is bigger than you think. Infidelity touches all areas of your life. It touches financial, it touches emotional. It touches your familial relationships. It's about identity, it's about sex, it's about self-worth. It's about who you are as a woman and who you are as a wife and all of those different things. So you need to be patient because you don't just cut off the tumor and say, "Bing, it's done." You don't just work on healing from infidelity. That's the biggest misnomer. Like when I look at other people's content and they talk about heal from infidelity, it's not just the infidelity that you're healing from. This is systemic. It impacts your identity. It impacts your self-worth. It impacts your view of yourself. It impacts the story, the narrative that you created for yourself about who you were and how your marriage was gonna be and how your relationship was gonna be and how your family was gonna be and about the value that you have as a woman, as a person, as a wife, as a friend. So heal from infidelity. That's like cutting the tumor off your elbow and that's not realistic. This is systemic. Yes, you have to cut the tumor off the elbow which is having your spouse either stop with the affair or you guys separate. That's like that initial cutting it off. But then you have to deal with the impact. What is the emotional impact? What's the spiritual impact? What's the financial impact? What's the relational impact? Like, and I don't need to keep harping on this because I know that you know what I need. I know that you know how no area of your life has been left untouched. I know how it's not like, oh yeah, I'm just gonna compartmentalize this one little thing and everything else is gonna be okay because it is so much deeper than that. It is so much more than that. So it takes patience. Yes, patience with yourself. And that's that first place that I wanna start. How do you give yourself grace? How do you give yourself compassion? How do you give yourself patience because you gotta give yourself patience and grace because you are rebuilding your entire life? It's hard enough to get a new job. It's hard enough to get a new haircut. It's hard enough to have a baby. It's hard enough to lose somebody that you love. But this is everything. So how do you give yourself grace? How do you give yourself compassion? That's the first place that I wanna start. How do you do it? Slowly. How do you do it gently? You do it by not asking too much of yourself. You give it by writing down a structure and a plan for yourself and then holding yourself accountable to that structure and that plan. And if you're anything like me, the danger is when you write things down, you write down things that are enormous. You might write down something like clean and reorganize the entire house Monday. You can't clean and reorganize the entire house on Monday. That's like a month-long plan. That's not a day-long plan. And then when you write that down and Monday night rolls around and there's piles everywhere and nothing is organized, what happens? You beat yourself up and you talk about how stupid you are and you think about how worthless you are and you think about other people who could do it. You think about all of the shows on TV where they just clean and reorganize in one day and you feel like a failure. So, what I talk about writing things down, writing your healing plan for yourself, it's vitally important for you to be realistic about your healing plan. You cannot say week one, decide whether to go or stay. Week two, find a new job that will support me. Week three, clean updating profile. Week four, find love. And I know that's an exaggeration, but you know what I mean. We all want, when we take charge, when we lean in, we all want things to go more quickly than they can. So my recommendation is first, write down a healing plan for yourself. Write down a healing plan, where do you want to be? Because when you're in the throes of this, it's hard to figure out where you want to be. Because you don't know, because this wasn't the plan. The plan was happily ever after. So write down, what is that new plan? And you might say, I don't know. And that's okay. What you do know is how you want to feel. What you might not know, is I'm I going to stay or am I going to go? But what you do know is, I want to feel safe in a relationship. I don't want to be dealing with trauma like this in the future. I want to be supported. I want to have intimate conversations. I want to feel safe. I want to have good, healthy, connected sex life with my partner. I want whatever it is, write down those things. It doesn't matter if you get them with this partner or without this partner. What matters is you know what you want. So write that down. That is the end goal of your healing plan. Then reverse engineer that. What are some of the things that will get you there? Coaching, coaching will definitely help get you there. Counseling, reading books, listening to podcasts, figuring out what you want to do as far as the career goes. Maybe getting healthy, working out more, losing weight, building muscle, finding a hobby, whatever it is, write down that healing plan and then double the time. Double the time. If you think my healing plan is a one year plan, give yourself two years, because here's why. First of all, everything takes so much longer than we think it will take. And I want you to feel good and feel successful about yourself. Because when you're not feeling good and when you're not feeling successful, you're going to start beating yourself up and you're going to start moving more slowly and you're going to start healing less quickly. Then if you just felt good about yourself and gave yourself the two years. And then if it happens faster than that, yay! What's going to happen? You're going to feel really good about yourself. You're going to be like, yes, I rocked this. This is amazing. I rebuilt my identity. I re-planned my future. I took care of my career, my kids, my friends. And I did it faster than I thought I was going to do. Woo, I rocked. So write down your plan and then double the time that you think it's going to take to implement that plan. Now, also realize your healing plan is fluid and flexible. If you've ever done something like gone to college and declared your major as a freshman, you will realize that most people change their major. Most people change their major a couple of times. When you have a new idea in your healing plan, you're just changing your major. You're not a failure. You're changing your major and most people do that and it's OK. If you need help with a healing plan, that's what I'm here for. That's what other people are here for. That's what friends are here for. Write it out, get help, get input, but then run that input, run that help through your body, through your mind. So you know how it feels for you because my plan is going to be different than your plan. And it's going to be different than your mom's plan or your sister's plan or your best friend's plan or somebody in the Facebook group's plan. Get some ideas, crowdsource, yes. But then check it against yourself because this is your life. You are rewriting the narrative. It's your narrative. It's your narrative. OK, you know the Lady Gaga song? He ate my heart and then he ate my brain. Just dance, I think it is. Anyway, yeah, just dance. Lady Gaga, he ate my heart and then he ate my brain. I want you to think about those lyrics. I've been obsessing about those lyrics lately. Because isn't that what happens in a relationship? We meet someone, he ate my heart, and then he ate my brain. We fall in love, and then we start thinking like them. Not because we're weak, not because we can't think for ourselves, but because we're with somebody and we become like the people we surround ourselves with. In business, in personal life, in whatever, we become like the people we surround ourselves with. They say, I think it's the top five people you surround yourself with shows the level that you will reach. You surrounded yourself with your partner. You have changed. They ate your brain. And you ate their brain, to be fair. You have changed each other to become we, to become us, to become whatever it is. Here's the thing though. Quite often, women do more of the changing than men do, because we have been trained to seek to please. It's a whole other thing I want to knock down. Seeking to please is not so great. Seeking to please can be nice. It can be kind. It's what we want to do in relationships mutually. But when we get locked in that phase of constantly seeking to please, that's what our brains really do get eaten. And that's when we really lose track of who we are and what we want and what we thought you and what we think and what we believe in all of that stuff. So in your healing plan, you're rewriting the narrative with your full brain. You're rewriting the narrative with your full brain. You will hold your brain away from your partner. Don't now give it to your mom, your sister, your coach, your therapist, your best friend. Keep you in the narrative. Keep you in the next act. Keep you in your next chapter, because it's your life and it's your chapter. So how do you have compassion for yourself by writing it down, by crowdsourcing information, by prioritizing yourself first, and then by doubling the amount of time that you think it's going to take to heal? Second thing that I want you to do to have patience with yourself is to think about who you used to be and to send her love, to go back to that beautiful, innocent, naive, whatever it was person, with the wisdom that you have now, and to go back and consciously send her love. Sometimes I look back on who I was as a young mom, and I break my own heart. I try to so hard, and I so desperately wanted my husband to see me and to love me and to appreciate me. I so desperately wanted that external validation from him that it's truly a heartbreaking to see the gyrations that I went through, and to see the importance I placed on him, and to see how much of myself I abandoned and walked away from in an effort to be the perfect wife, to be the perfect mom, in an effort to make him happy. And I have compassion and love for her. I want to scoop her up in my arms, and I want to mother her. And I want to give her words of wisdom, and I want to empower her. And I want to teach her how to make empowered decisions, which is something else we're going to talk about today, how to make empowered decisions. But I will spend time in my head, in my heart, with a hand on my heart, two hands on my heart, sending love to her, sending love to that young woman, to that young mom. And that's something I'd like you to do too. That's a way right now to give yourself grace, to give yourself compassion. And the third thing I want you to do is to do that from an older perspective. I want you to look at yourself as a 100-year-old woman, looking back on yourself now. And I want you to imagine the wisdom that you could impart to you. I want you to see how maybe you're breaking your own heart again going forward. I want you to ask your future self, what wisdom do you have for me? What wisdom do you have for me? Ask yourself, how did we get there? You've got your plan. You've got your healing plan. You have your end goal. Ask your future self. How did we get there? What did we do to get there? Look at you. You're a healthy, you're a happy, you're empowered. You found that balance between patience and putting up with too much. How did we get there? What did we do? And again, hand on your heart, hand on your gut, soften, and listen for her answer. What does your future self have to say to you? Your future self will tell you. We went to Paris, and we never looked back. Your future self will say, I invested in myself. I went back to school. I developed a career. I got coaching and counseling. I found friends. I took care of my health. I finally did everything that I wanted to do without guilt. She will tell you what we did to get there and listen to her. Listen to your wise future self because she knows. And I tell you, it'll scare you to death. My future self recently told me to make an investment in hiring some social media managers, to hire some editors for YouTube, to hire people to help me get some of this workout. And the cost was terrifying. And the commitment is terrifying. And there was so much of me that wanted to push back and be like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. I can do this myself. I am serving enough right now. This wisdom that I can do this. And my future self kept saying, yes, you're helping, but you know what? You can do so much more. You can help so many more people if you share this and you are not a marketer and you can't get your stuff out because you're not a marketer. And I had this whole battle going on in my head until I was finally like, you know what? You are there. You are in the future, not me. You know, I don't know. I trust. Here is your money. Sign the contract. We're going to do it and go. Is it scary? Yes. Is it what's going to get me there? Yes. Is it going to be scary for you? Yes. Is it going to be what gets you there? Yes. Yes. Good help is expensive. You get what you pay for sometimes. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes there are some great deals. But sometimes there's not. And don't get stuck in opportunity cost. I've already had four appointments with this therapist. I've already wasted time. And just because I don't like them now doesn't mean it can't get better. You know what? Find somebody that you love. Find somebody that you love now. Find somebody that can get you there now. Now, don't wait. Get help now. Get your future plan. Write it out. Goal, reverse engineer. Double the time. Crowdsource feedback. Get professional help. Send compassion to your younger self. And then jump forward in time to your future self and ask her what we did to get there and then do that thing. So that's that patience and that moving forward all at the same time. You have patience because you're doubling your amount of time to get there. But you also have accountability. And accountability is so important because otherwise life gets busy and we just forget. I can't get here. I can't do that right now. I've got kids. I can't do that right now. I'm still figuring this out. I can't do that right now. I'm insert excuse. Excuses will always be there. So that's that tension of being patient. Yes, I'm being patient. I said it was going to take me a year. I'm really giving myself two years. It's going to take time. It's going to take effort. There's no big magic wand where things just get fixed overnight. But I also have an end date. My end date is two years. My end date is three months. My end date is whatever. Having an end date is vitally important. One of the tools that I use when I coach people individually is smart goals for the people who need it. And smart is an acronym. And I'll probably get it all wrong. But it's like specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time sensitive. And that time sensitive is what's important. If you say, I am going to heal when, not when my kids leave home in eight years. But now, when are you going to heal? Now, what is your goal? Now, oh, look, there comes my cat. If you're watching this on video, here comes my cat. What is your timetable for healing? You need to have a timetable. You need to have an end date and end goal. Otherwise, it's always going to get pushed off. Whether it's rebuilding your life, whether it's finding a new partner, whether it's losing weight, whether it's finding a new job, you need to have a time, a deadline. If not, chances are you will be tolerating too much. Chances are you will be tolerating way too much for way too long. And you will look back and you will say, I just wasted the last X many years of my life. When I could have been being happy, finding love, enjoying myself, creating meaningful moments with my kids and family, whatever it is. So give yourself a time, an end date, beyond which you do something different. OK. So that wraps up the section for you. Your healing for yourself, your relationship between you and you, the things you do for you. Now I want to talk a little bit about your relationship with your partner, whether they are your current partner, your ex-partner, your soon-to-be ex-partner, or I don't know whether or not we're going to stay together. How do you know when you're being patient? And how do you know when you're tolerating too much? OK. Just like with you and how you have to be patient for yourself because infidelity touches so many areas. If your life is systemic, you also have to be enormously patient with your partner, especially if you want the relationship to work out and you want to do things together. Because your partner wouldn't have cheated if they had good skills. The fact that your partner cheated means they have poor communication skills. They have poor self-awareness skills. The mere fact that they cheated tells you, tells me, tells everybody, they're not good at identifying emotions. They're not good at communicating. They're not good at all of that. So you're going to have to be patient and give them time to learn how to be self-reflective, to learn how to tune within, to learn how to identify emotions, to learn how to communicate, to learn how to acknowledge uncomfortable truths to themselves, to also learn how to deal with shame, to build themselves up enough that they are comfortable exposing themselves. So yeah, especially if you want things to work out with your partner, you have to be extraordinarily patient and it's frustrating as all get out. And I have done a couple of shows on that. How to be patient with your partner. How to-- it's almost like putting yourself in the number two place in order to gain the first advantage. Because yeah, oftentimes we have to do that. Oftentimes, we have to suppress our own needs and put ourselves in the number two position in order to reclaim that advantage. So that's that patient piece. You know you need to be patient. Now let's talk about, but how do I know what I'm settling? How do I know when he's stringing me along? How do I know that he's just giving me bread crumbs and that nothing is ever going to change? And now I am going to look back on my life and I'm going to say, you're kidding me. I should have left at the beginning. He cheated again. It's never getting any better. We're right back into the same habits. All of that good stuff. OK, first, tune in. Tune into your body. Because I really firmly believe you know on a solo level you know and your body knows. There are three points that I want you to tune into. Your heart, physically your heart. Your gut and your head. Your head is about rationalizing and justifying. And you might be googling the odds and you might be googling all these different things about a narcissistic partner and a this and a that, blah, blah, blah. Great. Use your head to help you make some decisions. What does your head say? Does your head say, I am chasing a fantasy and this is not going to work? Does your head say, oh my gosh, I understand what's going on. I've never been this clear before. I know it's going to take time and I know I have the patience and I'm all in. Then check with your heart. What does your heart say? And I want to caution the heart is going to say a whole lot of different things. And the heart is also going to say things like, this isn't the story that I wanted. This isn't how I wanted things to work out. No, it's not. And sadly, it's what you've got. And accepting unconditionally is really hard. One of my favorite things that I have been saying lately is what if instead of your life being turned upside down, it was turned right side up? What if infidelity wasn't the thing that ruined your life, but it was the thing that put your life back on track? Because the bottom line is you don't know. You don't know that this is a mistake. You don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. And when you have a hard time accepting something, often it's because you presume that you are now being tasked to accept something that is bad instead of a gift that is good. So what if, instead of a trauma, this was a gift? What if it was a blessing? What if, even though it was inconvenient, it did put your life right back the way that it should have been? What if things before were the mistake and now it's all been correct? Spend some time thinking about that because it's a powerful shift in perspective. And once you make that shift, so many things change and it just becomes easier. It becomes easier to know, yeah, I am being patient, in service of, or no, I will not tolerate this anymore. I have given enough and it's over now. Third place to check into is your gut. What is your two-second reaction? Nope, not going to work, nope, not going to work, or absolutely. Yes, my husband can do this. Yes, my partner can do this. No way can he own that, he is not strong enough. He's a toddler, it's not going to work. Notice there's three points, your head, your heart and your gut. There's a tiebreaker there. If the answer is yes or no, two places are going to say yes, two places are going to say no. Notice, I know in my knowingness, in my soul, in my heart, in my gut, differently than I know in my head. And oftentimes it's my heart and my gut that are leaning one way and then my head is throwing up all kinds of questions and problems and what-ifs and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Notice what's happening for you. Are you following your internal wisdom? Follow it. I have had so many people that I've worked with that just know. I know now is the time to go. I know now is not the time to go. I don't know why. I just don't quite feel like it's running yet. Trust your internal guidance system. Trust it. Use it. And then again, going back to those smart goals, continue to make things specific, measurable, actionable, realistic, timely. If you're going to give your partner a certain amount of time to make a decision, cut it off with the other woman, find counseling, work on themselves, learn how to partner you, whatever it is. Be specific about it. What do I need you to do? I need you to cut it off with the other woman. Great. When? It needs to be cut off by Thursday. Great. What happens if not? If not, then, something you will do. A boundary is something you will do. If I need you to cut it off with the other woman by Thursday, and I need to be the one that sends the text or the email or the phone call or whatever it is, and it's not done, then what? Then you will move out, and by you, I mean me. If they don't cut it off, I will be leaving. If they don't cut it out, I am no longer interested in pursuing this relationship. You need to be the one that is making that decision, and that is taking that next step. So if it's not cut off by next Thursday, you can't force them to move out. It's something you have to do. And yes, I know you're raising your hand and being like, the Lord, that is so inconvenient. I know it's so inconvenient. And I'm sorry about that. But this is called being an adult, an adulting, and doing the inconvenient things. And it sucks, and it's not fair. It's just not. But if you are going to protect yourself, you need to be the one that takes the steps to protect yourself. And I know it's not fair, and it's not fun. But sadly, it is just the way it has to be. So what else do you need your partner to do? Just like you're having compassion for yourself, this is my healing plan. I want it to be done in a year. I extend it for two years. Great, now I know it. What are you asking your partner to do? Is it realistic? That's that R in the smart goals. Is it reasonable? Is it realistic? If your partner, like my partner, had 40 some years of trauma, 50 some years of trauma, is it realistic that he's going to learn how to identify his trauma, overcome his trauma, rewire his brain, figure himself out, learn how to manage stress, learn how to build himself internally, release external validation all while trying to work and be a human. Is it realistic that he'll do that in three months? No. No. For the amount of trauma that he had, for the amount of trauma that a lot of people had, it's not realistic. A year is not realistic. Five years is not realistic. So what are you willing to do? Like with my husband, I can't say you will be healed in a year because that is not realistic. So what is realistic? Let's break that down. Okay, I really need him to be in charge of his own healing. I'm not going to tell him he needs therapy once a week or once every two weeks. So I'm not in charge of that. It's not my healing, it's not my therapy. He needs to be in charge of his therapy, but it needs to be consistent and regular. That's between him and his therapist. Sometimes it's weekly, sometimes things get busy. It shifts, that's not my problem. It's not my problem to manage, but it is my, I don't even want to say a problem. It's my prerogative to help define what I need. I need a partner that's in therapy. I need him to have a coach. I need him to read some books. I need him to address me. I need him to partner me in different ways. I need him to ask me what I need. I need him to show more empathy. Like here's my list of things that I need you to do in order to be in this relationship with you. And each of those things is a specific thing. And then I can measure it. If I need you to text me while you're gone, then that's easily measurable. Did you text me while you were gone? Yes or no? It's not subjective. So when you figure out what you need, make sure you can measure it so you're not in this constant battle. When you said this, well, you didn't this. Well, I said that you needed this, but then you should, well, I thought this was enough. For example, if you say I need you to give me attention, what does that mean? Be specific about that. Make it easy for your partner to know if they're meeting your needs or not. Because if they can't tell, if you can't tell, it leaves it open for argument. And that's the last thing you want to do is argue. Is it reasonable? Is it really reasonable to ask your partner to call you and do a video phone every 30 minutes? Probably not. Maybe it is for you. I don't know. I can't determine that. But between you and your partner, figure out what is reasonable? What's specific? What's measurable? What's reasonable? And then for how long? For how long? Early on, yes, have more checks. But really for the next 10 years, do you really need a video phone call around their office or their house every 30 minutes? Probably not. But these are the kinds of conversations that you need to have. These are the conversations that let you know I'm being patient. We're putting in a couples plan. The couples plan includes all of these things. And then it has a timeline. It's timely. At the end of two years, we will know. And just like with your individual plan, it's a work in progress. You can change things. And when it's a couples plan at any point in time, yes, what are the other if you can choose to leave? And this is one of the things that I do in my couples strategy sessions. We talk about that healing plan. What is your healing plan is the betrayed partner? What is your healing plan is the betrayer? And what is your healing plan together? Because you need to have that plan and you need to talk about it and it needs to be concrete. Otherwise, it's a free for all. Otherwise, you actually end up waiting too long and then never getting your needs met. Or you end up from that endlessly patient. I'm just long suffering. I will just be here and then you never get your needs met. And then you're 110 and you're like, well, that was a waste of a life, which is not what you want. Or on the flip side, you're not patient enough and you don't give your partner the time they need to really become a different person. And you don't give yourself the time that you need to become a different person. And you don't give yourself time as a couple to become a different couple. Patients, yes, but you need planning. Patients plus planning is that strategy that you need. Otherwise, again, just like with the individual, you need a timeframe. If things aren't significantly better at the end of two years, what are you going to do about it? And here's the thing. So often people are like, I'm not ready to leave. You don't have to be ready to leave. There are other options. It's not just stay or get a divorce. What are some of the options? If you're good co-parents together, how can you arrange this? How can you structure this? There are so many different arrangements that are so many different options. But it's about planning it. It's about arranging it. It's about taking care of yourself and by having that solid strategy and plan. So as a couple, what are some of the things that you can do together to make this easier? Because this is a lot. Well, one of the things is, have fun together. Have fun together. Don't always be working on a fair recovery stuff. Don't always be working on it. You got together for a purpose. You got together for a reason. You had hobbies in common. You enjoyed some of the same things together. Go back to some of those. Even if you're going to separate, give yourself the gift of a good time. Laughter is huge. Laughter is one of the things that I work with a lot because it calms and re-regulates the nervous system. Use laughter to help calm each other. Schedule a funny movie once a week. Schedule a visit to a comedy club. Watch a Netflix comedy special. My husband and I recently have been watching the Nate Bargetsi comedy specials and then we saw him when he was in Colorado Springs and it was great. Give yourself the gift of laughter. Once a week, just have something fun. It doesn't even have to be a whole date night. Just go do something that makes you laugh. Have compassion for each other's errors. Talk about each other's errors without being defensive. Practice just admitting to each other when things go wrong. I overreacted. I overreacted. I'm sorry. I overreacted. I'm feeling very insecure right now. I made a mistake. Whatever it is, just practice being human to each other. Say to yourself, that's normal. I overreacted, add that clause, and that's normal. If your husband's your partner messes up, he messed up, and that's normal. He didn't do what I asked, and that's normal. Not in a snarky wake. And that's totally normal for him, because he's such a jerkwad. Not like that. But changing behavior is hard. If you go on a diet, it's normal to fall off the wagon. If you're trying to quit cussing, it's normal to slip up and have some "oh shi shi shi" moments. It's normal to mess up when you're trying to create a change. So normalize the errors instead of making the errors a panic. And let me tell you, I know we want to do that. I want to do that. I always want to do that in my life. If one thing goes wrong, I want to leap to the worst possible scenario. Train yourself out of that. Recognize that. Are you the kind of person that catastrophizes things? I am. I am. Oh, no. Tell your partner that. I tend to catastrophize things. I overreacted on that one. I got scared, and that's normal. That's normal. When you own that you are normal too, it helps. You are not perfect. That was a big one. I really, not that I really thought I was perfect, but oh, come on, I tried so hard. Like, I was so good. I tried so hard. I read all the books. I did all the podcasts. I did all the things. I was really good at relationships. I'm really perfect at this. And it made it hard then when I would mess something up because I wouldn't want to admit to myself or to anybody else. Yeah, I really messed this up. So admit it. Admit it. And get in the habit of joking about it because when you admit it, it's going to make it easier for somebody else too. It's just hard. It's just hard to admit when you make a mistake. And what are the things that... It's really important to admit to is putting ourselves in that morally high up position. It's so damaging when we put ourselves in that morally high up position that I would never cheat, that I would never do that. Because then it puts us as the game keeper, the warden, the morally superior person to our partner. So it puts us in a one down position and then, or us in a one up position and then in a one down position, which is not healthy. It's so not healthy. Because we all make mistakes and we all make different kinds of mistakes. And while there is always a part of me that says, "Yeah, but that's a worse mistake. Yeah, but that is morally blah, blah, blah, blah." I always have to talk myself back off that ledge. That it's not my job to judge other people. It's not my job to judge them. And why would I want to be with somebody that I judge harshly anyway? And if I really can't get off my moral high ground, then I shouldn't be in this relationship anyway. Because it's going to create a toxic dynamic. And that's not what I want. I want a partnership that's equal. I don't want to be somebody's mommy. I don't want to be somebody's savior and one equal partnership. And that's just one of those questions that I really want you to ask yourself to. Because if you're putting yourself above somebody and you're teaching them and you're always making them a better person, I just want you to learn. I just want you to see it. That's a mommy position. Do you really want to be your partner's mommy and make them a better person and make them learn? Because I don't. And again, if that's your relationship and that's what you want, that's one thing. But be aware of it. And does your partner want to be mothered? Most men don't want to be well. There's some. There's some that again. There's some people if they want to be mothered and you want to be the mother, have at it. I want equal power and I want equal partnerships. One of my favorite quotes is The warden, the prison warden, can't leave the prison any more often than the prisoners can. If you're going to keep your husband prisoner for doing this, it entraps you. If you're going to keep your husband prisoner, it entraps you. You've got to set your partner free. Which sets you free. And that's a lot. And that takes time. And that also takes a lot of self talk along the way. So when you talk about patience versus selling out and settling and waiting, patience. I have patience for him to grow and develop as a human. Do you see progress? Yes. Or no. Is the progress going too slow or too fast for your liking? That's a different question. But do you see progress? Are they showing up different? Ask yourself, are they showing up different? Are they acting different? Are they behaving different? Are they starting to believe different? Are they starting to have a different perspective on things? If they are, you know a lot. Yeah, things are going to change. If they're not, you also know a lot. No, things are not going to change so much. Have compassion for the process. But keep monitoring if change is actually happening or not. So that's how you balance that grace and that compassion for the relationship and being patient. Yes, I'm noticing changes. Every day there's incremental changes. Every day there's incremental shifts versus oh my gosh. Nothing is changing. When it's oh my gosh, nothing is changing. Again, time for a boundary. Time to shift to change. Maybe that means leave. Maybe it means something else. But don't waste your life waiting. Speak your truth. Say what you need. Say what you expect. Say what you want. And then say what you're going to do if you don't get what it is that you want. Now, very lastly, because we've talked about the tension between being patient and having a boundary, smart goals for yourself and for the relationship. Now I want to move into how do you know you're making empowered decisions? As a lawyer, one of the things that I do when I coach people is I help them with their decisions. I push back on them to help them clarify if the decision they're making is for themselves and their best interest in their own well-being. If the decision they're making is like a self-sacrificing one, if it's based on a narrative or a story, I'm making this decision because I'm going to sacrifice myself and I'm going to help him and then I'm going to be a savior versus no. I am making this decision based on my wants, my needs. How you know if it's an empowered decision or not is whose interests are you holding at heart? And no matter what those interests are, I want you to make sure you're taking your own interests in first place. If I'm making a decision based on what I want, yes, I can take other people's needs into consideration. I can consider my kids. I can consider my partner. I can consider my financial situation. I can consider my neighbors, my family, our extended family. So many of the people that I work with are in business together. Okay, they've got to consider that. They've got different familial relationships. They've got to consider that. Right. But at the heart, the center of your decisions needs to be you. And that's how you know if you're making an empowered decision or not. Does it make you feel better? Does it serve you in some way? And that's the question. That's the tool that I want you to ask. How does this decision serve me? And if you find that you have to construct this whole narrative, well, how it serves me is, and then you have to justify, and you have to rationalize and you have to explain, then chances are it's not a very empowered decision. Chances are it's a people-pleasing decision. Chances are it's a keeping the peace decision. Chances are it's a whatever else decision. How does this decision serve me? And here's the thing. People sometimes mistake an empowered decision as like doing something big and bold, and that's not always the case. You can make the empowered decision to stay in a marriage that is not completely satisfying to you for the next five years because you think your kids will be better equipped to handle a separation in five years. That is an empowered decision. If you say I am consciously and intentionally sacrificing some of my own happiness and well-being for the next five years in service of prioritizing my kids' happiness and well-being, but in the meantime, I will also be working on myself. I will also be setting myself up for a life on my own. I will also be learning how to co-parent. That's an empowered decision. Being empowered does not mean taking for all these worth and leave. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so often that gets completed. We think where it's wimpy to stay and it's empowered to take it for all they're worth. No, what serves you best right now? Don't apologize for staying. Don't apologize for staying if you know you're going to stay no matter what. Don't apologize for staying if you know you're only staying temporarily. Make the decision that serves you and your best interest right now and own that decision. That is an empowered decision. I know that I'm here because I need to save up more money. I know that I'm doing this because I need time to finish my degree first. Make a decision that serves you and know how it serves you and that is what it means to have an empowered decision. Thank you for listening to this. Reach out if you have questions. If you want me to take a peek at your plan either individually. I love coaching individually or as a couple. I love doing the strategy as a couple. And going back to what I asked at the beginning, pretty, pretty, pretty please go to Apple Podcasts. Leave me five star rating and a review of this show to help get the word out there. Have an amazing week and as usual always remember to flaunt exactly who you are because who you are is always more than enough. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Have you been struggling lately? Relationship issues impact every area of your life. When I found out about my husband's infidelity, I was so devastated. I could barely function. Sleeping was impossible because I couldn't shut off my brain. Eating was a challenge because I felt nauseous all the time and for the first month or so everything felt pointless. Whether you're having trouble sleeping, feeling hopeless or just can't focus, BetterHelp is here to help you. BetterHelp offers licensed therapists who are trained to listen and help. Talk to your therapist in a private online environment at your convenience. There's a broad range of expertise in BetterHelp's 20,000 plus therapist network that gives you access to help that might not be available in your area. Just fill out a questionnaire to help assess your specific needs and then you'll be matched with a therapist in under 24 hours. Then you can schedule secure video and phone sessions. Plus you can exchange unlimited messages and everything you share is completely confidential. I know the confidentiality was important for me, especially early on when I couldn't even get my own mind wrapped around what was happening. And it was so comforting to be able to speak with someone candidly about everything I was going through to validate that what I was feeling and experiencing was completely normal. You can request a new therapist at no additional charge any time. Join the 2 million plus people who have taken charge of their mental health with an experienced BetterHelp therapist. Special Offer to Flaunt create a life you love after. Infidelity and Betrayal listeners. You get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/flaunt. That's BetterHelpHELP.com/slaunt. F-L-A-U-N-T. Thanks again to BetterHelp for sponsoring this podcast. Tune in next time to Flaunt. Find your sparkle and create a life you love after Infidelity or Betrayal with Laura Cheedle every Wednesday at 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on syndicated Dream Vision 7 Radio Network. Uncover the truth of what's possible for you on the other side of Betrayal and develop the skills and strategies necessary to embrace the future and flourish today. Download your free Betrayal Recovery Toolkit at BetrayalRecoveryGuide.com (upbeat music) You
