- Welcome back everyone to the front line with Joe and Joe. Joe Bessilow and Joe Ressinull, you're exactly right, Joe. - We work for the man upstairs as you do. - You're setting me up quite well. You just gave me an alley youth. - The greatest revolutionary act to commit right now is to open your mouth and speak the truth. - Whether you're an academic or you're a regular guy, you have to be fearless. - And once more, dear brothers and sisters, let us go into the breach. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - Welcome back everyone to the front line with Joe and Joe. Joe Bessilow as always joined by Joe Ressinullo. And once more, dear brothers and sisters, let us go into the breach on the Veritas Catholic Radio Network, 1350 on your AM dial, 103.9 on your FM dial, spreading the truth of the Catholic faith to the New York City metropolitan area. Download the app, share it with your friends. You'll have access to all of our station's content. If you like what Joe and I do, you can follow us on X, Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, and wherever you see, wherever you see us, if you see, this video, you know, like, subscribe, share, do all that fun stuff. Help us out a little bit. Today, we're very pleased and honored to be welcoming back to the program, a friend of the show, Dr. Ray Werendi. And he's written a new book. It's out from Sophia Press. Standing strong, good discipline makes great teens. Joe, that means we're going into the breach. 'Cause when you're talking about forming teenagers in this swamp of a culture that we have, you are going into the breach. By the way, we always encourage people to buy the book of any of our authors from the publisher. So in this case, we're posting a link in the description box, whatever social media you're on, click that link, you'll get 15% off when you go and buy Ray's books there or any other book. That is a direct link to Joe and Joe and you'll be helping us out too. So real quick, everybody out there knows Dr. Ray and I don't even think that's an exaggeration. Having said that, Dr. Ray is a Catholic father of 10 clinical psychologists, author, professional, speaker, national radio and television host. His radio show "The Doctor is in" can be heard on over 440 stations and SiriusXM channel 130. His EWTN television series, "Living Right with Dr. Ray" is aired in 140 countries. He's given over 3,000 talks on various topics, including parenting, marriage, family and the Catholic faith. He captivates audiences with his compelling humor, laced presentations, providing practical advice and proven techniques, humor, humor, laced presentations. I love that, especially since you know Dr. Ray, you're in the right place. Welcome back to the front line with Joe and Joe, brother. - You know, gentlemen, for today, given you're Italian, I'm Italian, I think we had a title list all day and go all day. What do you say? - I love it, I love it. If I didn't have to go out and earn my daily bread or in this case, my daily pursuit, I would stay here all day and talk. I got to go earn the daily pursuit. - All righty, my friend, eat well. - This is an important topic, Dr. Ray. You know, Joe and I love all the authors that come on. Some topics just have a little bit more, let's say, immediacy, relevance. Joe, Joe's eldest is nine. She'll be a teenager in the next few years. I have my foster son, which prayed for us, Doc. Hopefully he's very, very soon going to be our adopted son. He's 14, I'm scared to death, and I'm not a scaredy cat, okay? But I got to worry, and obviously you have 10 kids, so you're going through it and have been through it. Disciplining teens is not something the culture wants to hear. So we're very pleased that you're coming on. We're very pleased that you wrote the book. This is going to be important. We encourage all of our audience members to get out there and go and buy it. Joe Rasinello, let's get rocking with Dr. Ray. - We'll just start off with a quick prayer to our lady and name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, Amen. Remember, almost gracious, Virgin Mary. Never was it known that anyone who sought your help or sought your intercession was left unaided, inspired by this confidence. We're flying to you, a virgin, a virgin's arm. Mother, to you, we come for you. We stand sinful and sorrowful. Mother, the word and carnite despise that repetition, spit in your clemency here and answer the same, Amen. - Name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, Amen. - Well, Doc, you got 10 kids. You're a doctor, and you got 10 kids. Let me stress that. So there's a lot to convey here. I always listen to people who are prayerful, as well as people who've done it, and Dr. Ray has done it. So let's just jump right in. I dropped my kids off at school. I pick them up, you know, you see the parents, the whole deal. A lot of parents these days, I'm not picking on the parents that I drop, I think they do a great job, Corpus Christi, great job. However, I think a lot of parents in general, they're content with mediocrity. We're not looking to raise people with character who are respectful, responsible. Let's break that down. Why is that, Doc? - I will ask clients in my office, do you wanna raise an average kid, somebody who's not on drugs, gets good grades, and no trouble with a law, you know, he just kind of fits in with the group there. Or do you wanna raise a one in 100 child? Somebody that you'd look at at age 22 and say seeks God, beautiful human being, moral responsible. Now every parent Joe says, oh, of course I wanna raise a one in 100. Then I challenge. Are you prepared to be a one in 100 parent then? You can't parent like the norm anymore, especially most of the folks who listen to you are God-seeking people. They wanna raise their kids to seek heaven. So that means they, at some level, are out of sync with the culture. And they've gotta have a steel rod through the spine, three inches thick, to stand against that culture no longer on their side. And that's what I wanna do for parents who say I wanna raise the one in 100 kid. - Yeah, Dr. Ray Gurendy's joining us here at the front line with Joe and Joe. There's new books out from Sophia Press, Standing Strong, Good Discipline, Makes Great Teens. That's an interesting point 'cause most people say, your kid's not just going to appear one day, the person that you want him or her to be. There's something to do. Now let me throw this out there, Dr. Ray, 'cause some people could say, well, you know, I'm not perfect. I'll take myself. I won't even listen to that. I'm not perfect. How am I supposed to try to, how am I supposed to do this, okay? And how am I supposed to enjoy, in case of my son, his teenage years rather than fretting every day, I'm just an average guy, I'm trying to get, I'm trying to make it in the world, I'm trying to get my family to heaven. There's struggles, there's conflicts, there's obstacles, there's all these things. You have a few tips for helping, let's say from in my case of father, to make this happen, okay? To not only enjoy my son's teen years, but to participate, to contribute. The best I can a flawed human being. I think you know where I'm going with this, Doc. - Joe, you captured what is now happening to parents out there. You used yourself as an example. The idea that maybe I'm gonna screw it up. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I don't have the right ideas. Maybe I'm gonna do something psychologically incorrect. Joe, parents never used to parent like this. They never used to say, what if, what if I don't do it right? If my kid at age 22 leaves the church, what did I do wrong? What's my fault? They're parenting under a black cloud. You can't parent that way. You, okay, I'll make this extreme for you. Let's suppose that our Lord himself came down and he whispered instructions into your ear. Every step of the way on how to raise that child. Would that guarantee that that child would turn out the way you would like? - No. - No, that's exactly right. - We all have flaws. You know, we all have tendencies, concubacence, we're falling creatures. Go ahead, Doc. - No, no, not even that, Joe. It's beyond that. Our Lord was perfect. What did they do to him? - He killed him. - He killed him. That's exactly right. He can't look back on it and say, you know, if I'd have said this different to the Pharisees, maybe they'd like me. Maybe if I would have kind of toned down this particular teaching, I'd have gotten along better with the religious leaders. No, he did what he knew was the best thing. And that's what I say to parents. You, there's no formula here, guys. There's no spiritual formula. There's no psychological formula. You got a lot of love. Joe, you got five kids. Your oldest is nine. And I'm gonna give you something right now, Joe. Don't let anybody say to you, including that frosting guard. Don't let anybody say to you, just wait until they're teenagers. Because here's why. A confident, strong parent really enjoys the teen years. The kids are more fun. They're more zestful. You can relate to them as young adults. What has happened? All right, I'll draw this analogy. Where you guys are sitting right now, 120 years ago. Was there a farm? - Yeah, probably. - Okay. - Well, this is Arizona, so these farms are around, but it's mostly desert. - Cattle ranch, cattle ranch, here you go. Do you suppose that that rancher at age when his son turned 14 said, oh boy, one of those teens now, not gonna get me help out of him now. You know, all he wants to do is just kind of resist and get disrespectful. I guess I gotta just wait until it gets through these teenage years, so he becomes a nice human again. Do you think he said that? - No. - Why not? - Had to work. - Had to have work. - Had to work. - Exactly. - Talking about that discipline that you're writing about in the book. - Yeah, the culture was not against him. The culture pretty much flowed in the same direction, and it didn't provide all the opportunities for this 14-year-old to look at his parents and say, how come I can't do that? Why don't I have that? Why can't I go there? Why can't I listen to that? So here's the point I'm making. The problem that people have with teenagers now is more cultural than developmental. In other words, yeah, the hormones kick in, they become a little feisty or more emotional. But the main thing is that when they're 15, I want a smartphone, I want to be able to watch that. I want to go there, I want to go there. Why do I have to go to mass? In other words, they look at the culture and they look at their parents and they say, you know what? You guys are throw back Neanderthals. How did I get stuck with you? And parents have to have enough confidence to stand strong against that and say, well, here's my best judgments, here's what I'm gonna do, and I can live with it. And barring that, do what I did. I, when the kids turned teenagers, I just got a good parole officer, and that's the way it was, and somebody that could handle all the family. - Of course, Dr. Ray Grenz is joining us here at the front line with Joe and Joe. We're discussing his new book. Please click the link in the description to go to Sophia Press. Standing strong, good discipline makes great teens. Dr. Grenz, I'm gonna throw it over to Joe, but I wanna just say, I remember growing up, and again, North, North New Jersey wasn't the garden of Eden. So let me be clear, okay, when I say that, okay. But I'd say what though? At 12, 13 years old, 14 years old, me and every one of my friends had some form of employment. We did something. In other words, Fridays and Saturday nights, why? 'Cause I'm one of God's laziest creatures. But when I was 13 years old, I got a job on Bloomfield Avenue in Barney's pizzeria, making two bucks an hour on Friday and Saturday night, and worked to make pizzas for 10 hours on each night. But all my friends were doing something, whether it had a day, had a paper route. Parents placed some responsibility, even at 12 and 13 years old, on those kids, on me, okay? And again, we were hooligans. But I know in my life, for all the mistakes I've made, that was important. Something that keeps me going, something that keeps me on the right track, I can attribute to that, if you know what I mean. I'd love a quick comment on that. - Your parents didn't second-guess themselves, Joe. They didn't say, well, I don't know, 13's kind of young to be working, and maybe he needs to have time to spend with his friends, and he could get resentful, you know? If I make him work to earn some money, he could resent me. And I don't know what kind of psychological ill effects that could have. That's what parents are going through now. They're parenting in fear, because the experts, the experts have made them neurotic, overthinking, over analyzing, second-guessing, and afraid to assert their authority. If they say, you know, you're 13, there's some things you can do. I think it's best you do 'em, end of story. But no, it's never the end of story. It's always think it out, think it out, what if I screw up? And that person you were just kind of impersonating, that imaginary person, was the opposite, with the opposite of my mother, where their Italian accent, hey, go get a job. You want, you want ring a ding? The ring things, remember the cupcakes? - No, what was that? - You want ring things? You go get a job. - Hold on a second, why was that? Now, was your mother college educated? - No, she had, she was born in Italy, she had next to zero education. - Okay, so why was it that your mother had more confidence in her judgment as your mother than the average master's level social worker today in raising their kids? What was it that your mother approached parenting with that made it so that she didn't live in some kind of psychological agony that she's gonna mess Joe up? - I don't wanna hog because I wanna hand it over to Joe, but I will say this, I would answer you to say that, and this is where the culture really goes off and I know Restonello is gonna go off on this, okay? Number one is God, okay? Now, God rest my father's soul when my father was never big on going to church but my mother, but he did it and she did make sure we had all the sacraments. There was also a belief that sometimes you just have to deal with life as it is. And as it is when you're talking about the 1970s in North New Jersey, is parents understood, this is the way you raise children. It was understood. You didn't, in second, guess it. You knew what the right thing to do was that the, as soon as kids, boys in particular, they're hitting the age of puberty, they're gaining their strength, they have a lot of energy, go out and start getting, you have to have responsibility. It was already in, let's say, use my mother. It was already in her to say, go do that. There was no second guessing because that's the way, as my mother always used to say, that's the way life works. That's the way it is, okay? And she accepted that. She accepted that. And not for none, like I said earlier, I'm not the paragon of virtue, okay? But I know my life is a lot better off because my mother had that attitude, had that worldview. - That's what I'm trying to do, Joe, with the book. I'm trying to give parents the confidence to be able to say, I know what kind of child I wanna raise, not the way the culture wants to raise the child. I know what decisions I need to make regarding technology, regarding media, regarding peers, regarding chores, regarding school, regarding respect, regarding siblings, all of that. I deal with all of that in there because those are the matters that parents most struggle with. Now let's tell parents this, they said, when you have confident authority as a parent, you don't have to use it very often. Joe, remember the look, did your mother have the look? - Both of them did. - Yes, and the look spoke volumes because it basically said, I'm prepared to act and this look is a warning. If you ignore this look, I'm going to do something about it. So like Pavlov's dogs, all that happened was the look became the discipline. Okay, nowadays, if a parent looks at a kid, the kid looks back. What are you looking at? You want a piece of this? Yeah, what is, I think that's-- - Really, Dr. Gerendi, it's really a sad state of affairs. In general, I mean, there's a lot of hope out there. There's a lot of hope because people like you are trying to help parents with your professional skills, with your books, standing strong, good discipline, makes great teams. Please click the link in the description by the book, you'll get a 15% discount. Let's keep it rocking. - I got to qualify that. - Go ahead. - If you're going to take a 15% discount on my book, I'm going to take 15% of the pages out. - I love it. I love it. - Doc, I'm pretty sure you're going to still get what you're supposed to. (laughing) Joe recidello, where do you want to go? - Three Italians, and as three Italians go, sometimes the conversation gets animated. As it does on this show, and I'll be very honest, as a father of five, I sometimes lose my patience, as all parents do, but as an Italian, that's ratcheted up sometimes in another way. I go to confession. Often, let's put it that way. And my professor at St. Patrick's Cathedral, Donald Hagerty, anyone in New York to look him up, he's great, he's there at noon every single day. And he told me something, and I want to bring this up 'cause in the book, Dr. Grendi talks about techniques to be a calmer parent. At the end of the night, Doc, when it's time to brush the teeth and all five kids are crammed inside the bathroom, I've been at it all days since five a.m., I want to jump out the window. Father Hagerty said this to me when I would confess to him. He said, Joe, every day, pray to God like a beggar and ask him to send St. Joseph to stand next to you as a beggar to be more patient and to control your temper. It's worked, that's my technique. I'm sure you have other ones, you know, and I know you do 'cause you put 'em in the book, but that's mine, I'm sharing that with you. You know, you're a clinical psychologist, you're also a man of God, so is Joe. That has worked for me, because at that bathroom, five kids in the bathroom, I'm gonna lose my mind, Doc. (laughs) - Well, your problem, Joe, is that you let 'em in the house. You can't let 'em in the house at the same time. You know, especially during the holiday season, you got the stuff up, it looks real nice. You know, pick two that you like, let them in for a while, then you let the other two in. You gotta go with logistics here. All right, let me give you about several techniques for lowering your frustration level. One, you are raising children. Not something easy, like a rabid timber wolf. You're raising children, which means they can do anything at any time, in any amount, with any kind of stupidity that you could imagine, because they're kids. That's who they are, that's one. So don't put your expectations at a point where you think, now why is he doing that to his sister? Why is he doing that to his sister? How many times have I gotten on him? Leave his sister alone. So you get frustrated because you forget what you're raising. Okay, that's the first thing. Second thing, recognize that you need to act before you get frustrated. If he's mistreating his sister, then before you get mad, after you've told him 17 times to leave her alone, on the first time, you say, if I tell you again, you're gonna go sit. Now there, you said it before you got mad. You did something about it. Parents get frustrated because they just simply use too many words, with too much emotions, until they finally blow. Then they go to confession. Let's be fun? Before children, I was pretty nice. And now, I'm not pretty or nice. I don't talk to anybody like I talk to my kids. That's the second thing. That's the lower of that frustration. Third thing, don't future project. Don't say because you found out that your little eight-year-old go for the matchbox toy from the drugstore. Okay, you deal with it. You stole this, we're gonna take you back. Here's what we're gonna do about it. You don't think to yourself, when he's 23 years old, is he gonna be stealing Cadillac converters, catalytic converters from cars. You don't future project. You don't say, oh my gosh, what does this mean for 15 years or nine, he's gonna be sitting in Springer, along with nine other drug addict, cross-dressing social broiling misfits, talking about me. You can't do that. Recognize that this is something that has to be taken care of right now. And that's what it means. Joe and Joe, I got 10 kids. They're all grown. I got some going to serve with church. I got some probably gonna serve time. You know, they're all different, my friends. You know that. Some absorb your parenting and some it bounces off of them. No, I hear you. I hear you. I mean, I think that's so important for parents to realize some things are not in your control. No, you do things, you sit out on the plan. This is the proper way of doing things. One of the ways is, and I'm not just saying, is for everybody out there, go buy Dr. Gugrendi's book and read it, is at the very least we need to be equipped. And then, you know, where the chips fall, they fall, you're always going to love your kid. If your kid does turn out out out of 10 kids, one kid turns out to be a bad seed and needs to be reigned in a little bit by the grace of God. Hopefully you can help him or her come back onto the right path and you do the best you can. But at least you acknowledge. And that's the important thing about this conversation. No, it's there, right now, it seems to me there's almost an nihilism amongst, amongst parenthood, no, or parenting amongst parents. In other words, well, I'm going to bring my kid into the world and say, lovey. Like, why would you, if you're that selfish, that you don't actually want to form a child, why would you even bother to have a child? Why would you even, just to bring somebody into the world so you could just once they're a legal adult, they could just go out into the world and do whatever the hell they want. I quite frankly don't understand it. Let me segue real quick, Dr. Gugrendi, and this will tie in, technology, okay? 'Cause that's a big, that's a big enemy that we have. Some parents don't care, they just don't care. Kid cries at 12 years old. All my friends, they're smart phones. And I know, okay, my guy's got a foot phone. Joe Rasonello doesn't even own one, okay? Which, God bless him, by the way, Joe Rasonello, doesn't even own one. - His phone has a rotary dial on it. - Yeah, do that, I want a bust one out, I want to plug it in, I miss the rotary dials, okay? But now, there's responsible ways, technology's important, kids are using it in school, okay? I think it's very good that my son has a foot phone because I want him to be able to call me if he's in trouble, or my wife, or 911, things like that. He's got a tablet that he could use for games when appropriately, when he asks, mostly homework. And he could go on when very, you know, maybe once every couple of weeks and he could play a little Xbox, okay? That's about it, that's about it. No Facebook, no Instagram, no Twitter, no none of it for a 14-year-old kid, okay? And he was told that from the time he came with us, never gonna ever, ever have a smartphone, until he goes and buys one for himself at 18 years old. That was a long-winded way of asking you, technology's a big obstacle, it's a big problem for us as Catholic parents in particular. What are some of your thoughts about how parents could deal with that? - Well, I got a question first for you, Joe, and I think this can relate to the parents listening. What is it that makes you so confident in the rules that you have regarding this phone technology that you're not worried that he's gonna resent you, he's gonna hate you, he's gonna get sneaky, he's gonna go behind your back, he's gonna get to a point where he thinks, I got stuck with a Neanderthal, why are you so confident in your decision? - A lie, because from the time we all realized, after he got placed with us by the state of New Jersey, within a few months we realized that there was a natural bond, even the social workers are amazed at the way all three of us have bonded as a family. Joe Recinello can attest to that, when we were living in New Jersey, he saw that. Because at the very least, I've gone out of my way to explain to him why, I give him the why, not just to do this or don't do that. I tell him, I pull him on the side and say, this is why you're not getting a smartphone, this is why you're not gonna get certain things that your friends have. I take the time to explain it in a stern yet loving way that I'm trying to protect him. And I firmly believe even at 14 and a half, 'cause he's well into puberty now, so he's got all the energy in the world, that if he was gonna start to be resentful, he might have already. So I have the, he didn't react to that, by the way, Dr. Burendi, in a negative way, he reacted at whatever you tell me, Papa. That was what he said. Now, he's a good kid to begin with, but he did want a smartphone and he does want some of the things his friends have. I took the time to explain it to him. That's the answer to your question. - And you said something in between the lines here, Joe. This boy knows how much you love him. - Oh yeah. - That's the key. You know, I tell dads especially, if you're gonna have high standards, if you're gonna have standards that are very different from the crowds, then those kids have got to know how much you love them, dad. And one of the ways you show that is affection. Now, we're all Italians here. We hug and kiss all over the place. You know that. And sometimes our kisses mean something that shouldn't mean, but you know as well as I do, that as a dad, if you hug and kiss that kid, even when he's 14, even out in public when he says he's gonna be embarrassed, my son played basketball. He was 17 years old, high school. I'd sit about four rows back into bleachers. Before the game started at the opportune time, I'd go down on the floor. I'd grab that boy. I'd hug him and I'd kiss him on the cheek. And I gave him words of encouragement. I said, "Pee, try not to sting the point out." And he grabbed it. And I asked him later, I said, "Hey, pee." I mean, I got those parents looking at me like they can't believe this old man has gone down there and grabbing this young stud and kissing him. I said, "Does that embarrass you?" And he said, "Would it make any difference, dad?" I said, "No, it wouldn't. "I'm gonna do it anyway." Gentlemen, he told me later, a couple of his teammates came up to him and said, "I wish my dad would do that." So he's young teens who dictate what kind of affection you're allowed to show them in public. And I tell parents, dads especially do not let the teens dictate how much affection you can show them. - That's right. I agree with that a thousand percent. I mean, quite frankly, my best friend growing up and through school, my best friend, Mike, I was amazed his father used to do that all the time. Again, Italian, you know, you saw how I can wake up, give him a kiss, I was like, "Now, I loved my father. "Don't take this the wrong way, God rest his soul." My father wasn't that way. And I think what you're saying is so important is that when you're an authentic parent, when you show that deep affection, while at the same time creating the rules and instilling the discipline that your book talks about in, in this case, your son, okay, it's gonna be responded to well, okay, as that boy grows into a man. Let's leave it there for a second, Dr. Gerendi. We're just gonna take a quick break to Veritas Catholic Radio Network 1350 on your AM Dial 103.9 on your FM Dial. Please go out and buy Doc's book. Standing strong, good discipline makes great teens. Click the link in the description for Sofia Press. And you'll be able to go right to the website and buy the book. So stick around, we have another great segment of Dr. Ray. - Catholic Radio works. And now we have it here in Connecticut and New York. It's been seen around the country that there's no better tool for evangelization. Where there's Catholic Radio, the folks who listen deep in their faith, families are strengthened, parishes and communities flourish. So let people know you're listening to Veritas, tell your friends to tune in, and let's make an impact here for Jesus and his church. This is Steve Lee for Veritas Catholic Network. (upbeat music) - Welcome back everyone to the Frontline with Joe and Joe, Joe Priscilla and Joe Riss and a little way, way, way, in the breach with Dr. Ray Gurendi. We're discussing his new book, "Standing Strong." Good Discipline Makes Great Teens. That's available at Sofia Press. You could click the link in the description and buy the book immediately. Joe Rissanello, where do you wanna go? - I wanna talk about house rules. Dr. Ray in the book talks about house rules. Every house has rules and I'll tell you a few of mine. Treat people like you wanna be treated. That's the golden rule in my house. That starts with me. How I treat my wife, how I treat my kids. I make mistakes. When I make mistakes, I always say I'm sorry and I always apologize, particularly to my children. Give them a kiss, tell them I love them. Sometimes I make mistakes. I make them often, actually. Also, another rule in my house, prayer. My wife and I pray and the kids know it, but I don't force them to pray. We pray the rosary, the rule is this. You wanna pray, you sit with us. If not, you gotta get out of the room, but we're praying. I don't force them, but the house is a house of prayer. These are some of the rules in my house. I believe that that through osmosis, maybe it might not be immediate, but down the road, they'll know their parents pray. We pray in the morning, we get up early before they do. We pray and we also pray at night. We pray also before we eat. We pray the gospel, we read the gospel. Sometimes it's not listened to. Sometimes I've even hit my kid over the head with the Magnifica doctor, right? That has happened in my house. However, it's a house of prayer. They have to know it. Your thoughts, I wanna know about your rules, and also please comment online. - Most of the parents who come to me, Joe, are God-seeking people. They seek me out because they know I'm gonna respect their value system. And they all have high standards. And if you wanna call them house rules, call them that. But they're standards. You mentioned one, a big one. Respect for everyone. That's a high standard. Another standard would be a schoolwork done before fun begins. That's another standard. A third one is we pray. But when I ask these parents, and this is often where they stumble, you've got the standard. But how do you enforce it? So they'll say to me, if they say, "Well, we do not tolerate disrespect." And I'll say, "What do you do?" Wow, she knows. She knows we don't tolerate disrespect. What do you do? Well, we tell her, "There's not talking like that, young lady. "You do not use that tone of voice." What do you do? Well, we've warned her many times. We give her that look. What do you do? After about the seventh, what do you do? They finally realize I'm saying, "How do you enforce your rule?" It's nice to have a rule, but if you don't enforce it, for example, on respect. For teenagers, one of the common things I say in a book, new house rule, any sort of disrespect toward parent or sibling, you're gonna handwrite a 400 word apology. It's gonna be respectful, and it's gonna be submitted. And many parents, you don't joke, I say at least 50% of the parents I talk to, good people now will say to me, "Oh, they won't do that." Oh, they'll look at me like, "What, are you crazy?" They're not gonna, "No, they'll fight me "every step of the way." And I tell them, you see what you just said? I expect kids to be disrespectful. They're kids, that's gonna happen. But when they directly challenge your authority and they say, "No, I'm not going to be held accountable." Now you've got a much bigger issue to face. So I tell them, for example, here's one technique I get, very powerful with teenagers. When you offer an enforcement of a rule, and they challenge it, for example, give me your smartphone. No, I need your smartphone. No, you're not taking it. Implement something that my client called blackout. Blackout is complete cessation of every single perk and privilege. Joe, you got kids under nine. So if you say, you know, that was just nasty which you said to your sister, go to the corner, please. Go to the corner, five words, go to the corner, please. Now, what if that child doesn't go? What if that child melts down? What if that child goes to the corner and begins a running monologue? Am I done yet? Am I done yet? This corner's done. Hey, Dad, can I come out and pray with you? You know, I wanna pray the rosary of an error, man, 'cause I'm okay with you, Dad. I have to come out with a corner. So, what are you gonna do? Well, you just simply tell the nine-year-old until you serve your corner time, you have no privileges at all. Nothing, no outside, no friends, no dessert, no playing at grandma's house, no TV, no computer, no trucks, no toys, no stuffed animals, no favorite shirt, nothing until I get my corner time. And until I get my essay. Or until I get whatever consequence I gave you, because that's my rule, I'm gonna enforce it. Respect is a huge rule. That's the number one problem that parents come to me with regarding teens. Dirty looks. Yeah, okay, mom, lame. Gentlemen, I came home one day when my wife was clearly upset. Now, I don't wanna intimidate you and I don't wanna intimidate your audience, but I am a highly-trained professional. I am capable of reading subtle cues that the average lay dad can't read because of my high training. So, I picked up that my wife was upset. She had one of the children by their necks saying, I do not like them, Ray, I am, I do not like them here or there, I do not like them anywhere, I do not like them, I don't care. Now, I picked up on that, I sensed it, I sensed she was upset. What's going on, honey? I gave Sarah two hours worth of labor. Now, in our house, gentlemen, that's one of our consequences. If you do something that you're not supposed to do, we can give you half hour worth of labor, hour worth of labor. We have to do everything you're told during that hour of like you said, Joe, chores, something, it's a rule. What did she do to get two hours worth of labor? My wife said, she rolled her eyes at me. What? Roll in your eyes? Well, isn't that normal teenager? Yeah, it's normal teenager, but it's not good. And you know what else it says, boys? It says, your mother is so valuable that you don't roll your eyes at your mother in disdain as if to say, oh, whatever you're lame. And I always tell parents to say, here's a good gauge for whether your child's being disrespectful or not. Take what the child is doing to you. Maybe they're rolling their eyes, maybe they're going, whatever. And do the same thing to your boss, your best friend, or your pastor. After one. - Now I'm gonna work out too well. - That's exactly right. It's disdainful, but yet I'm amazed at how many parents allow it because they think they have to, because they think that's normal teenage work. - Let me interject it. Let me interject it, just a quick question. No, just a quick question. Wouldn't you think or wouldn't you suggest to parents that if you let little things, now I'm not suggesting rolling your eyes, that disrespectful role of the eyes is a little thing. But if you don't address something that, let's say, seemingly a lot of parents would say, oh, that's not such a big deal. Obviously, okay, maybe it's not at that moment. But when you let little things go and go and go and go, and obviously, again, you're a professional, I'm asking, I'm not making a statement. Wouldn't you think that's going to lead or can lead to larger problems down the road? If a kid thinks they can get away, the less they think they can get away with, they're going to carry that through as they grow up, so that they're not going to try to get away with things and go deeper and deeper with bad behaviors. Am I making sense, Dr. Grundy? - How close do you lived in New York City? - Well, when I was there, I was eight miles away. - I've read by John Stadium. - Do you remember the theory of policing that they had called broken window theory? - Bottom up. - That's right. What they found was when they let things go like broken windows or graffiti or torched couches on the curb, that led to a general decline in following rules and civilized society. And when they started dealing with those little things, what they noticed was a dramatic decline in overall serious crime. I remember at one point in New York City, their murder rate dropped by 90%, went from 2,000 down to 200 and something, because in part, the broken window theory, same thing you're addressing here, Joe, what you're saying is, okay, here's the expert's mantra. Pick your battles, pick your battles. Okay, so what they mean is, well, the kids rolling her eyes at you. You know, she's not cussing at ya. She's not throwing bicks at ya. She's just rolling her eyes. So what? Yeah, but rolling eyes, as you say, is a small sign of disdain that can accumulate and it rose into bigger things. It doesn't stay with just rolling eyes. Pretty soon it becomes a rolling eye. Oh, you're laying, mom, you're laying. And then it gets even a little worse. So you're absolutely right, Joe. Those things in your home, that's part of that one in 100 parent. And the key is, you know, many people hear this and the objection they give me is this. Well, boy, you really, you really sound like you're kind of a hard-hearted here. I said, no, nothing of the sort. Because discipline is love. It's not tough love, it's love. And I love you so much. All of this is taking place in the context of how much I love you. It's not my way or the highway honk. I'm back and I'm ticked. It's nothing like that. And I tell parents this all the time. The meanest parents I have seen are those who don't have authority. Because they get ugly, they get nasty, they yell, they scream, they nag, they argue, they remind. They go to confession every other day because they have to confess, want to kill their kid with a bazooka. Now, you don't have authority, you get ugly. - But Dr. Gorendy, well, let me hand it over to Joe. Let me remind everyone that we're speaking with Dr. Rigorendy, standing strong. Good discipline makes great teams. Click the link in the description for Sophia Institute Press and buy the book right now. Joe Rassinello. - Let's talk sexuality, let's talk drinking. Big part of being a teenager. Not all kids, big part of my teenage upbringing. And my friends led to trouble. No question about it. And frankly, I mean, I look at my kids, I hope they never do to the degree that I took it. Let's talk about preventing it, but I'll just throw a little anecdote. When I was in college, my friend Mike had a girlfriend Kim and we would go to Kim's grandmother's house. She lived near, I went to Scranton University. She lived near Scranton and she used to say to Kim, I know this is Catholic radio, but I'm gonna say it anyway, 'cause it's Joe and Joe. She would say, Kim, if you smoke, you'll drink. And if you drink, you'll screw. And I always remembered Mrs. Ball, she would say that and that is the truth. I always remember it. It's things begin small, as you say, and they grow. What are your thoughts? - Okay. I don't tell parents they have to supervise well anymore. I tell them they have to be hyper-vigilant. Again, this is not our farm in 1880 in Peoria, Illinois. This is a culture that basically is a conveyor belt of temptation to a 13 year old. So as a result, people will say, can you pick their friends? I'll say, well, you can't exactly pick their friends, but you can pick the pool from whom they could choose. The number one indicator of a kid doing stupid things is the peer group. Who is he hanging with? If a parent says to me, oh, I do not like this kid that he's choosing to be with. Say, well, then you may have to cut off that association. - Oh, he'll go crazy. He'll go crazy. - Like, well, how's he getting to this kid? Well, the kid picks him up. - Well, are you ready to say he can't pick him up anymore? - Well, he just, okay, my son's got his license. He goes there, wait a minute. Okay, so how can you supervise where your son is going? Well, I got that app on the phone, so I know where the phone is. Are you kidding me? He left that phone at church in the back pew, and then he went where he was going to go. So I tell parents, you have to be very vigilant to who they're hanging with, because that is the number one predictor of them doing things that could hurt him. - I agree with that, to be honest, 'cause that was a mistake in my life. But also, I think people, like kids, sometimes they just make mistakes. And I think you have to cut it. My parents gave me too much rope. They just tolerated it. And I think a lot of parents, particularly going away to college, like friends of mine, I started late. I have friends that have kids graduated to college. I'm 53. And they'll be like, well, it's just, it's part of growing up. It's a rite of passage. No, it's not. Kids get hurt. Kids aren't meant to have sexual relationships at 16. No, it's not a rite of passage. Your heart gets broken. And excessive alcohol is in a rite of passage. Smoking weed isn't a good thing. It simply isn't. I mean, and frankly, I think a lot of people just write it off. Like particularly when they send their kid to college, and even in high school, it led me and my friends to nothing but trouble. And I will say this honestly, I'm lucky I'm alive. Like, I'll be careful with you. I look back at some of the things that I have done. And I'm just like, God clearly kept me alive because I wasn't thinking about living by the way I was behaving. What do you think about that? 'Cause I think a lot of parents, they're just like, ah, it's just a little bit of a couple of beers. Oh, a couple of beers. Turns into like 35 years of energy. - Take parties and you're, you got the hose and you're doing all that stuff. - Yeah, and you're hanging out. You're hanging out of a third floor window. You know what I mean? Which happens? - You gentlemen are tapping into something that really undercuts parents. And that is the mindset, very popular in our culture, very popular among the experts. It's only a phase, it will pass. This is naturally what they do at 15. This is naturally what they do at five. This is naturally what they do at three. And I always tell parents, the question is not is it normal? Because sin is normal. The question is, is it good and right? That's the question. Passages don't pass if you don't deal with them. When a parent says to me, hey, all my three-year-olds is throwing these major league meltdown fits, but my pediatrician tells me just ignore it because there's just a meltdown fit and it'll go away. I go, it's not going to go away because you're going to be four throwing a fit. And you're going to be seven throwing a fit. And you think an 11-year-old's fit is three times a three-year-old's fit. It's not going to go away unless you deal with it. So you're absolutely right. There's a very popular series my wife and I are watching and they're raising three teenagers. And two of the teenagers are very obnoxious, very, very obnoxious. And the parents allow it. And the overall theme of the show is this is what kids are. This is what you got to put up with as a parent. This is what you got to go through because someday they're going to be 23 and they'll be fine. Gentlemen, that was more true a hundred years ago because society had guidelines so that if you messed up as a 16-year-old, by the time you were 22, society had some pretty clear guidelines. That's not the way it is anymore. So if you mess up as a 16-year-old and your parents don't do anything about it, by the time you're 22, you're going to be a messed up 22-year-old because the society doesn't have those guardrails anymore. Even my son said to me once, he said this to me. He said, Ray, he didn't say Ray, he said dad. When your generation pardoned and hit rock bottom, he said they bounced back up knowing that was not the place to stay. He goes, my generation, he's 26. My generation, when we party, we hit rock bottom and we party down there with all our friends. - You know what was going through my mind as you were saying all of that. Dr. Ray Gurendi joining us here at the front line with Joe and Joe is, yeah, I couldn't help but thinking about the prodigal son. The prodigal son, obviously we all know the story and at one point he's feeding the pigs. Nowadays, he might look at it and he just stays there and says, I don't want my father's rules. I don't want my father's house. I don't want any of it. I'll just keep feeding the pigs. Maybe I'll work my way out of this. Maybe I can get back to the city where I could start partying again. In the meantime, I'll just keep feeding the pigs. He stops doing that because he, obviously in the story in the parable because he realizes, well, this is a pretty much a dead end. You know, let me go back to my father's house. See, I just wanted to throw that out there because that's what I was thinking. It's such a shame. I mean, you talk about parenting and anytime I think about what parents allow their kids to do, yes, yes, you allow your kids to get out there and go and feed those pigs. Okay, the father and the story of the prodigal son allowed his son to go and do the same thing but he waited on the side of the road for his son to come back. These parents destroyed their kids literally out there to the wolves. - Not your listeners, Joe, not your listeners. - Not ours, not ours. Anybody who's listening to Veritas Catholic Radio Network or listening to you on EWTN, obviously is seeking the two little ways through this. - Your listeners are a minority in our culture. Your listeners want to raise great kids and they want to have the confidence and the authority to do it. And the culture is trying to strip them of that confidence, that authority. The culture tells them, if you have high standards, your kids are going to rebel. They're going to turn and sneak away from you, exactly. Joe, I don't know how much time we got left but I want to chase something, how much we got? - We got about seven minutes. - Okay, I want to chase something that is probably the number one thing I deal with now among parents whose kids have left the teen years and are now late teens, 20s, 30s. And that is the huge numbers of children who have left the faith. They've rejected it, they've neglected it, they've suspected it, they have essentially said, I don't want any part of the way that I was raised. And as furthermore, I'm kind of at a distance with my mom and dad because we think so differently about this. And these parents come into my office devastated. They are, they're feeling like failures. They're wondering what they did wrong. You know, they should have paid the Bible, they should have read the Bible in Aramaic rather than, you know, while they levitated over broken glass, you know. So here's a little test I want to give to you and your listeners 'cause your kids are not old enough yet but keep this thing in mind. It's a proof that I have for parents who are feeling terrible that their children have left the faith, for parents who are blaming themselves. Gentlemen, please just answer yes or no to these questions. Is there a God? Yes. Is Christ God? Yes. Was he sinless? Yes. Could he perform miracles? Yes. Did he have a perfect understanding of human nature? Yes. Could he get most people to follow him? No. Aha! So this is what I tell these parents, they say, so you think you're better at this than the God-man? Can you do a miracle? Can you even do a crummy contract? I tell them, our Lord himself couldn't get most people to follow him. Are you living under the idea that there's some kind of spiritual formula that you just didn't apply right? And so this kid drifted off. You raised him as best you could given what you knew at the time. So given that, your kid has free will and he's not in a culture that respects religion anymore. So all of those factors don't make you a failure. And many of these parents, once they see that our Lord himself couldn't get most people to follow him, they take the pressure off themselves for thinking, I must have failed somewhere. I think that's very important because this is something I also wanted to talk about is you can't be too hard on yourself. I mean, ultimately no one's perfect, no parents perfect, and that's about being realistic with yourself. Getting back to what you said though, John Martin, Yoni, you may know him. He is the, you think he's ahead of evangelization in Alabama in Birmingham. He's been on a show a couple of times. He left the faith, smart guy, left the faith. His father woke up in the middle of the night and went to adoration and prayed him back into the church. I want to throw this at you. You probably had a million conversations with people. That's my approach. I expect my kids to make mistakes. I made mistakes. Prayer and fasting for your kids is vital as a Catholic. Even if you don't see the outcome, it might happen when they're 16, you're in the ground. Prayer and fasting for your children will bear fruit. What are your thoughts, Doc? - There's no question. My children are all adopted. And some of them have had very, very ugly histories. Drug and alcohol abuse in the womb from their birth mothers neglect, early neglect. So as a consequence, many of them, their brain has struggled to mature. And some of them have left the faith. As I said, I got one gone to Penn State and one gone to State Penn. So given that, we pray for him constantly. And I'm watching some of them trickle back. There's a couple of them that are trickling back. And it's been years, we've been praying for years. My kids are in their twenties and thirties now. Yeah, I got married when I was in kindergarten. So given, you're absolutely correct. We pray for that. But oftentimes people will say to me, Joe, when these parents call on the radio, they'll say, well, why don't you tell these parents to pray? And I'll say, well, you gotta know your audience. I'm gonna assume they've been praying like crazy for the last 15 years. And they have, they have been praying. So in fact, one thing I wanna do is take the blame off of them so that their prayers can be a little more peaceful. - Dr. Groer, I'm desperate. - Let me ask you this in the final couple minutes. You know, achieving, achieving, achieving is, you know, we want our kids to achieve, you know, that's what you hear in the culture. They got to achieve in sports. They got to achieve in that. And achievement is a great thing. Okay, as long as it's kept in its proper context, there are some kids who even on a basic level, you would say they're kind of underachievers. It could be in sports. It could be a boy who's uncomfortable around like the girls and, you know, he's like a little, he's shy and, you know, doesn't, he's not outgoing or maybe not doing that great in school. But what are some things quickly? We have about two minutes left, Dr. Groendy. Some things you would say to parents about, go get down, don't get down on your kid if he's seemingly an underachiever. How could you help that kid along boost their confidence so that they don't get down on themselves? - Every kid's wired different, Joe. Parents have to accept that. Every kid is completely wired differently with their inborn personality and temperament. Some kids make you look like God's gift of parenting and other kids make you feel like a total failure because of the way they're wired. Secondly, what's happening with a lot of kids who are quote unquote unmotivated or lazy or drifting or can't seem to get started because we're giving him too much entertainment. There's too many good options. He spends three hours on his computer playing video games. Oh, yeah, oh, I got to do homework, Duke. So what's happening? I told parents, drop back on the entertainment stuff. The entertainment stuff does not happen until you complete the responsibilities. That's huge, that's probably the number one thing that will get a kid to start fulfilling his responsibilities. He may not fulfill him out of an internal motivation. He'll fulfill him out of I have to or I won't get any privileges. That's fine, okay? As long as he establishes the habit. The other thing I say to this to parents, if your kid is capable of A's, then expect A's. Why are you allowing C's? He's capable of A's. He's just skirting by. You probably are gonna have to need to monitor his work a lot more closely 'cause you can't assume he's like his sister who comes home and does all her school work and gets straight A pluses. - You're just smiling 'cause you just described his eldest daughter. - That's the reason, Frank. (laughing) - Dr. Rigorendi, we have to leave it there unfortunately. There's so much that we could talk about. So what do you have going on? Let our audience know in one more time the title of the book and where they could buy it. The book is Standing Strong. Of course, it's the Sophia book and get it through you guys with that nice little discount they give you. All of my books, I have 18 books. They're all available on my website at Dr.Rade.com with a nice price and they're all signed. Things I got going on, I'm gonna be taping season number 14 of Living Art with Dr. Ray. Radio shows gone and we're heading into heavy speaking season. I'll speak maybe six, eight times a month. - That's so awesome. We're so happy you're out there doing it, Dr. Rigor. You've been doing it for a very long time. You're an encouraging man. I'm not just saying that 'cause you're on the front line with Joe and Joe. You help us out a lot, what is the old saying? Iron sharpens iron, Catholic men need Catholic men like you getting out there into the breach and speaking the truth. God bless you brother. Thanks again for as always for coming on the show. I'm sure we'll be talking to you soon. - Thanks man. - Absolutely and thank you out there for joining us at the Veritas Catholic Radio Network 1350 on your AM dial, 103.9 on your FM dial, spreading the truth of the Catholic faith in the New York City metropolitan area. Download the app, share it with your friends, you'll have access to all of our station's content. Wherever you see us on social media, remember in the description box, we'll be the link to buy Dr. Ray's book. There'll be a link to Sophia Press. And with this interview, wherever you hear it or see it, please like, subscribe, share, do all that fun stuff and remember until the next time that our conversation is your conversation and that conversation is going on everywhere. We'll talk to you soon. (upbeat music)
