The following podcast is a dear media production. Fourth of July is right around the corner. I'm so excited because I actually, we have some fun plans this year. I'm in the midst of getting the whole thing together, but I'm sure you guys will see on social media, we're gonna have a fun little party with all of our friends, super, super excited. And I personally love Fourth of July because I love the food. There is not much more in this world that I like more than a barbecue or a hamburger or a cheeseburger or a hot dog. It makes me want a hot dog real bad, real bad, real bad. I love a summer barbecue, so much the potato salad, all the corn on the cob, I'm growing corn this year. Maybe my corn will be grown just in time to grill it up for the summertime. I might not have to throw a little barbecue also pretty soon. I absolutely love Fourth of July growing up. I just remember it was like the fireworks and you'd get the glasses. And like as a kid, we would always go to like the park or someone's party and it was just so funny to swim all day. And honestly, it's just like very nostalgic. Another thing that's nostalgic is like one of the first viral recipes. Do you remember the one people would make the cake that looks like the flag? - The watermelon. - The watermelon. - Yes, the cake pan. - The cake pan. - The cake pan. - Yes, yep, yep. And you'd make the strike. That is like such a core memory for me. Maybe I'll bring that to our party. - We love. - Summer's biggest event is coming up this Thursday. Catch Macy's Fourth of July fireworks live on NBC and streaming on Peacock or see it live on the Hudson River in New York and New Jersey. Don't miss spectacular performances and an inspiring salute to the American spirit that is sure to be one of summer's greatest hits. Tune into NBC and Peacock July 4th, 8 p.m. Eastern time. Today is all about Alicia. - I have no makeup. My jokes land. (laughing) No, it's not my fault. I look drastically different with and without makeup. Why did you stop talking to the last guy you were talking to? (laughing) - Oh, people up to me! You should DM Zay. - Do it. - We keep it. - Do it, do it, do it, do it. Please do it. (upbeat music) - Pretty basic. - Hey guys, what's up? Welcome back to Pretty Basic. I'm Remy Cruz. - And I am Alicia Marie. - I have to say. Anytime I have my hair up like this, I'm looking at the monitor right now and it looks like I have short hair and I get the sudden urge shop. Chop it off. But I know. - I know. I will regret it. Like I know. I know. It's, here's the thing. I wouldn't regret it. Let me backtrack. I wouldn't regret it. I would just be over it so soon because it's taken me, I think four years to grow my hair out. - Oh, from the bob, yeah. - From the bob. - I mean, get a wig. - And I could do that. - Yeah. - Like get a wig. - 'Cause I don't have my contacts on right now so I'm looking at the monitor. It may not even look like this on the YouTube video. Go watch the YouTube video. Or get a wig and then get some extensions. Or no, get a bob and get some extensions. - I know, but it's so much cheaper to not have extensions. - No clip ins. - Oh, true. I suck with clip ins. I suck with clip ins. - 'Cause then you can choose, you know, when you went along, when you went ashore. - But it is cute. You're very much giving cheerleader today. - You went with the high pony. I see you did the soft blow out. - I did, yes. I give myself a little dice and air wrap today. - It looks really good. - Thank you. It fell so fast. If you have any tips on how to keep your dice and blow out intact, please let me know. - Do you do cool? - Yeah. - I do it all. - Do you do the smaller barrel or the big one? - I do the round brush. - Oh, bitch. - You gotta do the one, the spinning one? - Yeah. - Do you think it'll stay longer? - It stays so much longer. - Really? Okay. - It is a little tight in the beginning. - It's a curly. - But when it falls, beautiful darling. - I'll try that next time. - I've been doing that. I've been doing the thermal brush as well. - And I'll keep playing around with it. - Yeah. - I'll see. How are you doing this fine day, Alicia Marie? - Honestly, I'm doing really good. I feel like I am in a good rhythm, a good routine. And I have to say, I am really excited for this episode. I was prepped a little bit because people were like, Alicia, Remy got her engagement thing. You were an amazing host. - You were an amazing host. - Now you wanna see Remy as the amazing host. Thanks so much for having me, Miss Remy. - Thank you so much for coming on the show today. - No, wait, let's pretend I'm a guest on pretty basic. - Okay, a lot of people have been asking for this episode slash also just to hear more from Alicia Marie. - Which is so funny because, well actually, I do have a little bit of insight to you on this. I feel like Rem and I, especially our friendship, like we go in waves where if one of us is overwhelmed and the other one's like, yo, what do you need from me? I'm fucking good. And I think God does this in the perfect way. When one of us is down, he makes sure the other one's up because it's like we need one of us to like, so okay, I got the, like give it to me. Like what do you need? I can help you like whatever you need. - Pass the baton. - Pass the torch over here. Pass the baton and vice versa, whoever, you know, is going through it and it's great, it's great balance. Except when we first met, we were both down bad and I think that was our foundation so it could only go up from there. - It's so true. I feel like we're very much like the parenting style where, you know, people are very communicative. You know, I can only give 10% today. I need you to give 90. I can give 30, you give 70. I can give 95, you gotta give five. Like, hmm, I think that's where we're at right now, which is, I mean, great. I think it's a wonderful parenting style. - No, I think that's how we've thrived as not only business partners, but best friends, okay? And what's funny is a few months ago, I was just like, it wasn't that I was having a lot of anxiety. I just felt like I, I remember coming to Rem being like, hey, I'm feeling really overwhelmed specifically with certain aspects of the podcast. Like both of them actually, I was like, do you mind like carrying a little more weight for me? Like, I would love you forever. And you were like, bitch, I got you. Don't even worry. And I was like, thank you so much, you know, whatever. And then the next thing I know, I'm getting people being like, Alicia, like we want to hear you talk more on the podcast. And I'm like, oh my God, people probably think Rem can't shut up, but here she is. - I can't, but it's been a good friend. And then luckily, you know, that time has passed. She has passed and I didn't realize how long it's been until I looked back and I was like, oh my God, I guess like, yeah, like subconsciously, like obviously I had that talk with you and you were so willing to do that. Honestly, the fact that I forget what it even was, perfect example. - That's good though. - Perfect example of my memory though. - No, no, no, that means that it's like so far, far in the past now, like don't even remember, don't even need to remember. - Yeah. - Don't even need to worry. - Irrelevant. - Irrelevant and also kind of worked perfectly because obviously there's a lot of stuff that I want to update people on. It like timing wise, people wanted to know about wedding stuff, people wanted to know about all those things. Like it worked out perfectly. So I'm so glad. - No, but thank you for doing that. - That I will say. - Anytime. - Other than cutting my hair, I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. And one of them was, I was like, you know what? For a girl who has two podcasts, I feel like I'm always, it's not that I run out of things to say, it's more so that I have to be prompted with questions to really bring up certain aspects of me or my life. I've always been this way. Like I've, especially like I grew up being the extreme shy girl in the corner. Like you couldn't, I feel like there's most influencers, they're the ones who are like tap dancing in the front of the stage. Everyone is just coming for the tap dancing today. Like they like like the spot a little, but I'm not saying you specifically, I'm talking about it. - I'm just kidding. - But I will be sending Hannah Burner and I tap dancing what you guys will hear in an upcoming episode. But yes, we did have her on and honestly was one of my favorite episodes in a long time. - I love her. - I love her. - I feel like we're twins in a weird way. - Yeah. - And, but then there's also the creators who are like super shy and it's like a little more reserved. So it's like, it's not that I don't, it's not that I don't want to be the tap dancer in the middle of the circle. It's more like I just, I need to be asked questions, even in friendships. Like how many times have you come into me and you're like, how, how are you? Like what do you need? Like what's new? Like tell me something because you're not going to tell me unless I ask you to tell me. - Yes. - That is like the epitome of me. I know a lot of people are like, I think more people are like that than not, but I feel like especially in the space and on the internet. I think it's more common for extroverted people to kind of like talk about stuff. So it's so funny cause I always feel like I'm such an open book, but I also understand how I'm very reserved. And like I have like, I don't know. - I think you're an open book, but you're not just going to willingly share things, whereas like I will just tell you the most things that when people come and like, you couldn't water board that out of me. I'm like, wow. - You're like, should I? - Reality check, yeah, for sure. But I'm like, you will share things with people. It's just you need to be prompted, which honestly is the more respectful way to go about things. And I'm gonna, being so honest. - No. - Also like on basically unfiltered, I learned very quickly on, like the guys are so funny and they can just banter all day. Like if we're not trying, yeah, if we don't like really try to get ourselves in that conversation, then we won't speak. And I learned that like early on. And I feel like we're just, we're trying to go with the flow right now. We're trying our best. - Like there, I'm like, oh, I can interrupt as much as I want, cause that's the only way I can get a word in. - Yes, exactly. - But I'm like, wait, wait, wait, wait. So yeah, I also feel like I'm so much better one-on-one in friendships, relationships. Like if it's a big party, I'm better having a one-on-one conversation than a huge round table group discussion. - I feel that. - So it's interesting seeing the difference between how I am on this podcast versus basically, cause basically I feel like I'm more of like a chime or inner. Like I'll just like say certain things to comments, but like, or if I start to say something and it's like a story and then I see like everyone's heads like turn towards me, I get this sudden wave of like, I don't even remember what I was gonna say. So like, nevermind, forget I said anything. Like that's just like how I get. And I've always been that way, even just like in friend groups and stuff. But we've seen the comments. Some people wanted us to do the engagement game, but Alicia. - Yes. - So not. - Today is all about Alicia. - I don't like that though. - Well, I don't like that. You're gonna give it to them. - I'm like, phew. - Okay, today we're gonna let Alicia Marie shine. And we have some really good questions here to just kind of dive in deep. You know, we have some serious, we have some really fun ones. I'll turn on my post. - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. - And I'm excited. These are really good questions that I think are really good to check in with your best friend from time to time, but like we often forget. And life gets kind of crazy. And I think this will be really, really fun. - All right. Well, thank you so much for having me Mr. Mie Ashton. - Thank you so much for coming on. You've been our most requested guest ever. - Stop. - Quite possibly every episode they want you here. - No, honestly, like that is the biggest compliment ever. And I'm just happy to be here. I'm glad that our people talk to each other. - Yes. - So glad we could arrange to have you come on and let us know if you need a refreshment. - I was wondering, no one really offered me one when I came in. I'm like other guests. - Oh, I filled the fridge with Mo-goo Mo-goo. - Me having two drinks over here. - I'm very much kidding. - She also, it's her fridge too. So she's able to help herself. Okay, let's get to the questions. All right, we're gonna start hot and heavy. What do you feel like is people's biggest misconception of you? - Oh. - Take your time. - See, it's funny 'cause I'm like, I can think of what I think is a misconception, but I don't know if this is actually like true. Speak, talk it out. - I'm just gonna ramble. - Okay. - It's fine. - I'm curious to hear your POV. Let me know what you think. - 'Cause I'm curious with show girl. - I know it's about you. - I know it's about you. - But I'm like, to me, I think I could see a lot of people not knowing how like observant I am. Like I feel like it's like, I notice, like when I walk into a room, I like will notice everything almost to a fault where I'm like so overthinking, over analyzing. Like I will remember what people wore to certain things because like that stood out to me. But I'm like, I'm like literally analyzed. It's not like photographic memory, but I'm like, I will remember where I was, what I was doing. Like I'm just so observant. So TikTok would read me to Phil saying that like I grew up in a like my childhood form was like a people pleaser. I think a lot of people probably just don't understand how like deep I can be. Like I feel like I'm very observant. Like I read into things a lot. I love deep conversations. I know that anyone here on the podcast probably understands that, but I think your average person who meets me or sees me online, like would never think that. - I think that's a great answer. - Thank you. - World Peace. - And April 29th. - World Peace, that's an every question. Oh my God, yeah. - I think that was, that's very true. I would totally agree with that. - I think you are one of, if not like the deepest person that I know, and I know you love stimulating conversations. I know that you are very observant, which ties into that. But I agree, I think topically just at first glance also the stereotype of being an influencer totally understand that. But I mean, any of my friends that you have met you that are not in the realm, always think you're the most like down to earth sweet kind. Like my parents are obviously obsessed with you, but they're like, I remember talking to my dad in Korean. He was like, I don't know her super well, but you know, if this is who she is. And I was like, it is. He was like, she's a very good girl. - Aw. - Which is like a really good parent compliment. You're a good girl. Okay. (laughing) - You've accomplished so much. What are your goals right now, slash what's your next career wise? - I have absolutely no idea. Like I have absolutely no idea, but I kind of love that. I feel like right now I'm really chilling and I'm so happy with how things are. And honestly, if you look back to any of like my last like quote career moves, like they all weren't really planned. Like even the new pod, the way that that came up was very spontaneous. But when it came to us, it felt right. So we went forward with it. Same with this podcast. Like I feel like a lot of work things were less of a like, this is my goal, I'm gonna go do this. And more so being content or like just having my head down and grinding and then when an opportunity comes up, I'm like, wow, I'm able to do that. I'm gonna like pursue this versus I mean, I did make a vision board. But do you know what I mean? Like it's less, this is what I'm planning next year. I have no idea what literally next month is. - No timeline. I think there's something so beautiful in being able to just take a step back and appreciate all the hard work that you've put in. Like all of these are now well-oiled machines. - We're getting there with basically. - We're getting there. - This old little old machine took a little while. I think that there's something so beautiful on taking a step back and appreciating it and you know, being grateful for what you've built. - One of my biggest things is like loving what I'm doing. Like I just love the creation and content creation versus I hate when, you know, you find people who are like, I want to be a musician, but they don't want to see in coffee shops, they only want to do like stadiums. You know what I mean? It's like, you have to love the art and love what you do. And if I can do this the rest of my life, I'm happy. Like honestly, like it doesn't have to be, I don't know. - I don't know. - It could always change from what you think. Like think about when you and I met in 2017, I'm sure you had, back then I'm sure you had like very specific goals of what you want to happen. And I feel like you wanted those things to happen so you could feel a certain contentness. And I feel like you probably feel that if not even more right now. And it's nothing like I'm sure what you had imagined. - Oh my God, one of my biggest goals ever in life, I remember talking to my ex-manager about this all the time. I wanted to do a Victoria's Secret Pink collab. Like I was like, this is so on brand for me. Like back school, you should vibes like the dogs, the saturation, like I was like, I need to do this. Like this is iconic. Like it's never been done. It would be so good. It would fucking kill. And it's so funny because like now I'm not saying that's attainable, but like now it's so common for people to do like do collabs like that. - Yeah, like a capsule or something. - Yes. - It's crazy 'cause it's like, that was my biggest dream at one point. And now I'm like, oh, like, I mean, that would be cool, but also I'd rather like just sit here and chit chat. Like and have a podcast. - But that's amazing. - You know what I mean? It's cool how like dreams can change. - It changes always. I love that. What happened to parallel speaking of careers? - Speaking of careers, I feel like I talked about this, but I always forget what platform on when and maybe someone missed it and all this stuff. To be honest, I'm not gonna say I got fucked over, but like in a way I kind of feel like I got fucked over. - I mean, can I mention the legal of it all? - Oh, that was like my first lawsuit on legal drama. And I won't say anything else. Remi is on my side. - Obviously. - No, that was like my first lawsuit and I was so anxious. And on top of it, it was only like it was, I loved it for what it was, but considering it was all still self-funded, like Ashley and I were paying for everything and I lost so, I'm not gonna say lose. Could I have had like my MBA instead? - Yes, I could have probably had my doctorate for the same price. I lost so much money that it just like, and it's not even about the money 'cause for the first few years, I was like, no, no, like this is so good. Like I understand like I'm investing in this and I'm building something. But then once my mental health also went down from it and then you get into like the lawsuit kind of shit and all that kind of stuff and like the politics of it all. Like that's where I was like, I am not made for this. Like that was the first time in my life. I was like, a girl plus too hard. This is not what I make for it is not an evil. And I literally was like, I hate this side of business. I miss being just a creator. Like dare I say talent, I hate to miss it. But like I don't want that life, I hate it. I can't even deal with confrontation, let alone, that all that is is like scheming and like how can you get the best deal and like negotiation. And like I'm just not that type of person. - And it's never ending. I remember once you started, they're like, we need to be doing drops this month or this month and you're like, wait, wait, wait, we just like never done. - That's stressful. - Another thing that was really hard is obviously when we started Ashley and I wanted to do everything, you know, right. Like we were like, you know what? Yeah, let's do it made in LA. Let's have all the models of every size modeling it online. Like why aren't other people doing that? Let's do this, let's do this. Like this is wrong in the fashion industry. Let's do this. So it's better. And then quickly we realized why most people don't do those things is because it costs so much money. Like even just having the samples available in every size is not normal for photo shoots, which I wasn't aware of until we were there and half the samples weren't there. We're like, well, we have to take a photo in it. And they're like, oh, well, most people just like make a digital version or most people like don't have photos of a model wearing every single thing. And we're like, cool. So we said online that we were always gonna have like, I think we set ourself up for failure in that sense because we just didn't know the space. And obviously in a perfect world, I would love to see every single piece of clothing. And it's not like it's like a hairbrush where there's one like skew of it. Like it's one thing. We had every shirt in what? - Extra small to three X. - Exercises, yeah. - So then it's like, okay, we need an extra small model, a small model, a medium model. Like we need every single model, that's so much money. Then we need every single cloth piece of those samples. And then God forbid a sample wasn't there on time. So many times we never had shit that we were supposed to have on time. So things would get pushed. Like it would be spring and we're coming out with sweatpants that we're supposed to be back in winter or like whatever, or fall even. And I was just like, this isn't worth it to me. And I feel like 'cause I was putting the most money into it, I finally just hit my reaching point where I was like, I mean, you know, I was like a bad friend during that time. I was like, I was like, Jesus, take the wheel. I literally was like, Remy, I love you. But like, I like can't, I like just, I can't even function right now. Like, it was so bad. So I had no, I think I was the happiest out of everyone to be like, bye. Like sorry, we're closed for now. Which like, I'm still never opposed to doing something similar. But if anything, I would sell it and like let someone have it and like have a stake in it or something. Because what we had was great. It was the fact that we could never. - Jesus, every piece was incredible. - Like, I lost so much money every single month. And again, it's not about the money. But yeah, I think, and then the lawsuit at the end, I was like fuck this shit. - I literally was like, this is my side. - Cherry on top. Cherry on time, we ended up donating a lot, all the rest of the clothes to a woman's shelter. And it's really cool because the shelter is helping the ladies like learn how to sell. So they're selling the clothes. And they're making the profits. And it's keeping them in the shelter and stuff. So like it made us really happy to like donate it all. And like knowing that like, it's still getting like used and worn. And I guess a lot of the ladies too in the shelter are plus eyes. And they were so excited. Like they sent us this most beautiful letter ever. And they're like, they're just so excited that they have cute clothes in their sizes. And I like started crying. I was like, this is, if everything was for this, then it's worth it. But like it made it so much more easier to like go of, of just being like, okay, let's touch grass, like what's important. Obviously everyone wants to make money. But like, it's not worth your mental health. It's not worth this stress. Like, and at least all of this can now go. 'Cause we still had like $70,000 worth of clothes in boxes that we were like, what do we do with this? And it's like, I was at the point, I was like, I'd rather just donate it. I was gonna show it. Was there ever an option where you're like, let's just get rid of this. Well, we did a few sales to just like move the inventory. But by the very end, again, it costs money just to hold all the clothes in fulfillment center. And then shipping it out, like every month we were paying. So the more we went on, we were just like, let's, this is just, I was like, I'd rather donate it. I don't care about the money. I've already lost so much. What's another like, fuck. So many thousand, that's crazy. And that sounds crazy when you say it like that. Yeah, so I hated it. I mean, I think you learned a lot. You learned so much. And as much as people don't wanna believe that what we do is it's a full-time job and it takes up a lot of time every week. And it's just as many hours as a real full-time job. You were on top without running a business for the first time ever. You got thrust into making all these big decisions. Oh my God. I mean, so many of these companies influence our own companies higher on people who have actually, you know, been to business school or how they're MBA. Oh my God. You know how to do these things. And so you took on a lot. And I think you did a really great job with that tribe. With what, yeah, and you did a great job. No, I did learn a lot. I think a lot of my learn to stop people pleasing came from that situation because finally I was like, look, I can't even care about hurting anyone's feelings. Like I'm so sorry, like, you know, whether you have to fire people or like move fulfillment centers, et cetera, whatever, I was just like, we got to like end this. And the end of the day, it's business. Oh my God, yeah. So yeah. Well, I love my Scarnock tanks and I'll be wearing them until I die. Anytime I wear something, I'm like, Oh, parlour. Archival. Archival, I like to say now. Okay. Oh, what's something from your childhood that gave you trauma for dating now? Oh, for dating? This is so cliche. And I feel like so many people relate to this, but I've always struggled with the whole good enough thing. And I know everyone does to a different way, but I definitely feel like in when I was younger, feeling like I had to be good enough, I don't even know how to explain this. Oh, not me not knowing. You don't have to know also. I can move on to a different question. Yeah, maybe another one. Maybe I can come back to that one. Cut to commercial break. Yeah, cut to break. You are warm with the mustache. One time we should have our podcast edited like a reality reunion. Oh, my God. We all wear different costumes jumping from chair to chair. Okay, I might have just found my new TV obsession on Prime. Have you guys heard about my lady Jane? It's inspired by the best-selling book, the series is a history-bending romanticcy about Lady Jane Grey. Known as the nine days queen, Jane was the queen of England for nine days and then the headed, the ultimate damsel in distress. My Lady Jane tells her story the way it should have happened. You'll meet Jane, a know-it-all tutor, noble woman with a sharp tongue and a warm heart. And then there's Guilford, an intriguing scoundrel with a dark secret. They've undeniable chemistry. Get ready to ship these star-cross lovers in an epic tale of true love and high adventure set in an alt-universe of action, comedy, romance, and less at first sight. Oh, and it's all set to a modern soundtrack. Watch my Lady Jane now on Prime Video. Wait, so I have a little story time. I recently had dinner with a friend and we haven't seen each other in years. Fun fact, we used to hang out a lot when I lived back in Orange County, so it's honestly been like a hot minute. And I was looking at her nails 'cause she had these really pretty, they were like the exact blue you love, Rem. And maybe it was just because I desperately need to redo my nails 'cause they're a little overgrown, but I was staring at her nails and I asked where she gets her nails done. Not only does she tell me that their press on nails, Remi, I literally swear on my life she goes, Alicia, like she looks at me so like, not annoyed, but confused. She's like, Alicia, hello, I listened to the pod and I was like, what? She goes, they're impressed, press on nails. And I was like, I honestly was social. I was like, oh my God. Of course they are, we surprised. Remember we were talking about how they have the glazed donut collection and they have like so many other colors in there too. There's like the cream ones, there's like chocolatey brown ones, there's so many different ones and so many friends have told me that they tried the impressed press on nails and it has changed their life and their nails. Impress has so many options from regular French tip to fun designs. On the website, I've seen floral prints, two cute strawberry designs on the nails, like literally so many different types of designs and colors. And also the Instant Manicare Kit includes 30 press on nails with pre-applied adhesive for a quick and no mess application lasting up to seven days. You can literally do them in the car. Like it's not messy, you're not gonna spill glue everywhere. You're not gonna get your fingers stuck together because of the glue. I love how it doesn't require glue and it doesn't damage your natural nail, which is amazing. It truly is a getting ready game changer whether you have a dance or a shoot or whatever the case is. It comes with a prep pad, mini nail file and a manicure stick for a perfect at-home manny. It's the easiest and fastest way to upgrade your look. If I'm ever in a rush and I need to go to an event but I don't have time to do my nails, using the impressed press on nails is my little cheat code and I can't rave about them enough. Visit impressbeauty.com/basic and use code basic at checkout for 25% off, Impress manicure. That's I-M-P-R-E-S-S-B-E-A-U-T-Y.com/B-A-S-I-C. Use code B-A-S-I-C or 25% off your entire order. Let's move on to the next one, which is why do you hide your dating life? Honestly, it's funny because I think a lot of people, I think, okay, I think that's a huge misconception of me. I think a lot of people think I purposely hide my dating life or I'm purposely choosing to not put things out there but, well, I mean, to an extent I am but also, I'm curious if you agree or not. I'll ramble for a second. I think one of the big things is, weirdly enough, that's one of the few areas in my life I've been able to keep private, so it's so nice actually having something that people can't just Google. Like, it's so nice and refreshing. I also feel like, as a friend, I'm sure you've known this about me. Like, if words mean a lot to me, so if I say something, it feels so final. So I feel like if I say a lot of things on the podcast about a situation, then I'm like, then I fully am not manifesting what's gonna happen but it makes it so final of like, I can't take that, but I can't be like, oh my God, oh, he's a piece of shit and then be like, oh yeah, we're back together. Like, obviously it's fun and entertainment but in real life, I'm not even like that. So I feel like it gets hard when I'm like, I can only talk about something if it's like completely dead, like done. - I think also you're just not boy crazy. Like, you're not boy crazy. I have always been boy crazy. I have more friends. I actually would say I have like a very equal amount of friends who are boy crazy or very much like you who like, boys don't run your brain and your life and your thoughts 24/7, which is so much healthier. It's true. It's so much healthier and like I always know but I've always respected it and I think that like, you do have a lot more respect for yourself than a lot of us who are constantly like seeking attention and approval from men have for ourselves. - I've always said this. I'm like, I just feel like I seek my approval from work related things and a lot of other people seek their worth through dating and love through dating or male validation or whoever you're dating. And sometimes I'm like, oh, I wish I was the other way around. Like, and everyone's grass is going around the other side but I feel like obviously again, I think when you become a podcaster, people expect you to be like, and then I fucked this guy and then I'm like, dude, I love Tana, I love like, I love, even when Brooke came on, I had such hilarious stories. I'm like, oh, I wish I had stories like this. Even Taryn, oh my God, she was over the other day and she's like, of course, this would fucking happen to me and I was just like, dude, shit happens to certain people. That shit never happens to me. And sometimes I'm like, maybe I need to like entertain like sometimes I'll be talking to a guy online and I'm like, if I'm not really filling it, I'm like, whatever. But then I have friends who would entertain it just to literally be entertained. - You're not a do it for the plot kind of girl. - I want to be. - But you don't, and you can be if you want, but you don't need to be. - But that's just not in my nature as much. And there's sometimes I'm like, Alicia, let loose, like just like entertain it, it's okay. But then I'm always terrified of breaking someone's feelings. Like hurting someone's feelings. So I'm just like, I don't want to like lead them on, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I overthink it to where, before we have our first date, second date, before we have our second date, I've already pictured our whole life and why we got divorced. - So we're going to go back to the last question. What's the thing for our childhood that gave you trauma for dating now? - I think, I think I just don't trust anyone. I think trust has always been a really hard thing for me. I think the biggest thing with trust is like, I know no one, I know most people wouldn't intend for it, but like in my head, like you will hurt me. And then my walls will go up. - And that's relatable. - Do you think something happened to have caused that? Or like, can you pinpoint anything? - You also don't need to share that, obviously, if that's very personal. - I think there's like actually multiple different things, which like, I feel like all of it together doesn't seem like much, but like I remember talking to my therapist and she was like, oh, well, that makes sense. I was like, oop, it makes sense for what? I was like, what do you mean? And she was just like, oh, well, don't you feel like, well, like what, all this kind of stuff. So I was like, that's really interesting. I would say I'm still learning more about that. I think a big thing is to me, which I've gotten so much better, conflict equals fighting equals bad equals breakup. Like that to me is like, so being the people pleaser and Ashley is very similar. Like confrontation to me means, oh my God, we're gonna end our friendship. We're gonna end our relationship. So I'd rather just like not say how I'm feeling to not disturb the peace, disrupt the peace, which that in return makes the breakup happen because you're not having communication. And I think a huge thing is like my parents, which love them to have, I know they're listening 'cause they listen to everything. One thing about them, 'cause my mom's parents would fight all the time in front of her. And she said it was like so terrifying growing up. And so when she grew up, she was like, I never want my kids to see me and my husband fight. So Ashley, I never really saw our parents fight ever. On top of it, we like weirdly, you know how like, again, your parents always mean for one thing and then the opposite reaction happens. Without realizing it, Ashley and I like got older and we're like, "Wow, we've never seen healthy fighting." 'Cause obviously it's important to talk through your problems. We never even saw that as an example. So then when it came to us in our personal friendships or relationships, we didn't know how to do it in a healthy way. So we would just keep everything to ourself. That's what my therapist told me. And I was like, "Oop." - Yeah. - I was like, "That makes sense." I remember that day I went home to Ashley. I was like, "Ashley, this is why we are the way we are." And I'm sure so many people are like this, but again, like the intention was like, "Oh, I don't want you to feel unsafe in your home "or your parents are like fighting and screaming." But then it did the opposite reaction where we're like, "Oh, well, I've also never seen someone in a healthy way "work through like conflict." So when it came to relationships or dating or friendships, like to me, I'm like, "Oh, I'm not gonna, "why would I voice my feelings or opinions "because that, if I do that, it will be bad." Like it'll be a negative thing. - Yeah. - Which obviously is not true. - No, it's not true. - Can I give you a little like, hope core? - Oh yeah, no, no, no, we've gotten so much better. - I was gonna say, you know how the same way that we will address a pain point within each other? And we're like, "Oh, it's not even a big deal "because we know we're fine, "because we know each other's intent and we know." And then in the day, we just need to be able to put each other in our, in each other's shoes. And then we'll be fine. Like, if that's all it is. When you find someone that is good for you in a healthy relationship, whether that's like your person or just a healthy relationship, you feel the same way. - Totally. I think other than you though, Ashley's only been that person for me, but she's blood. So it's like, "Well, you're my sister. "Like, you're stuck with me forever." - Yeah, no, when you like start dating someone for real though. - Oh, yes, yes, yes. - Like if it's, when it's a healthy relationship, you will feel, and it's gonna take like a work for sure. - Well, you'll get to that point where you will have so much love or so much care for that person and so much trust built throughout time, that when something comes up and you wanna talk about it, you're, it's scary no matter what, but you're gonna also think like, "Well, it's fine." Like, we're gonna, we're okay. Like, we're gonna be okay. And like, once you have that trust sort of build with that person, I think then you'll be able to put your walls down a little more. It's just gonna take time. - We've gotten better. - You've gotten so much better. Truly. - Thanks to you. - Oh, but like, it's the reason why we've gotten so much better is because, I mean, at time and also because. - But more practice with it too. Like honestly, like, oh my God, the first few times, like if we'd ever sit down, even if it was something super small, pretty basic and like, I wanted to voice something, I'd be like, like so anxious, like hyperventilating 'cause I'm like, oh my God, like, how do I say this? Like, like versus just being a people pleaser and be like going with the flow. But then, time and time again, that happened to me where I just did that route. And then I had so much resentment towards the person. And then I feel like then I actually would distance myself. And then I feel like that was always unfair to those, you know, people because then I'm like, well, now they don't even really know what, now they probably have a better reason to like not wanna be my friend or whatever the case is. But in my head, I'm like, this is the only way of survival, you know what I mean? - Yeah, it's just time. I think time and working with your therapist sounds like it's been very good too. - Yeah, I kinda need to hit her up. It's been a minute. - Yeah, I think that sounds great though. - Okay, back to hiding your dating life, in conclusion. - Oh, I mean, the real answer is, I barely even talked to my friends about my dating life, like let alone the internet. Like, which it's, I feel like in some ways it's easier for the internet. But like, if Roman and I are just hanging out, I'm not gonna be like, oh my God, so then this happened and blah, blah, blah. Rimm has to be like, so how is this person? Like, what's new with this? Ashley's the exact same way. So clearly it's the way we got brought up or whatever. Probably like church shit too. I feel like, perfect, I'll go back to this question. - Yes. - Probably church shit too, in the sense of like, I don't know, leave room for Jesus can like scar you dude. - I know you did your TikTok where you were talking about just certain things, you know, that you've been dealing with personally and I remember-- - Oh, things I'm embarrassed with next. - Yes, and I know you've expressed on the pod before, kind of your struggles with being raised in the church and your beliefs and where are you standing right now with how you feel? - Honestly, my biggest thing with that is I feel like, I know what I personally believe but I also would never want to be somewhat, like I'm never gonna diminish someone else's personal experience of what they've been through and there's so much about the church that I like gaga in the sense of at least what I grew up with, like that I'm just like that is so not what I believe and I think that even just the word church, like that can be so different to every single person and like someone's experience could have been literally horrific and the most actual like, disgusting thing ever could happen to them and like I'm never gonna be like, oh well, go on. Like I just, I hate, I hate those people. I hate, sorry if you are one of those people. I just hate those people who are like, well, like God didn't hurt you, the church did. And I'm like, well, okay, but either way, like their experience was fucking tainted and like, it's just like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, but I feel like it's because I grew up with like a very hypocritical people who like went to my different churches or like, we're at how, you know, I just feel like I, again, as a very observant kid, I feel like I was like, that's fucked, that's fucked, that's fucked. And you get older and then you're finally like, quote in the real world, the secular world as the religious people would call it. It's so crazy to me that like, some of the people I'm thinking of who I grew up with and they're like, they were adults then. Like the fact that they would think I'm going to hell for living the way I do now, which is just so crazy because I'm like, was I in a fucking cult? Like I know I wasn't, but like in my head, I'm like, dude, it was so strict and crazy. And it was like such a small little like community of like so much judgment and shit that I'm like, I don't believe in that, but I do believe in a God and I believe in God and I, that's all I can. And but I remember back in the day, like, if a celebrity was like, oh, I love God or something like that. Like I would always hear like, oh, well, they're not Christian enough or they're like, they only like, they want to like live in their sinful world. And I'm like, oh, like I hate that shit. Also for context, like you grew up like very much with like in the church. Like I feel like my mom was always a worship leader. Like we were there multiple times away in Christian school. The amount of shit I've memorized that like, couldn't tell you like, but then it's hard too. Cause then I feel like I'm doing a disservice. I was like, obviously, if I believe what I believe, I should be proud to share that. But I think I'm in that weird end between of like, I don't know, I'm not there yet to where I want to be like, you also don't need to be a worship leader. Like you don't need to stream it from the rooftops. But even like, but if something's important to you, you know what I mean? Like you like tell people, I don't know. So I feel like I'm just in that like. - I think it could be just as important to you and you could keep it for yourself though. I really do. And I think that every day you're working on that relationship and that's all that matters. That's a personal relationship that you don't need to share with anybody. - Thank you. - I needed that. - I feel like a very normal or a very like average relationship with the church is like going on the weekend. So like, you know, in that you say your prayers at night and that's probably it. But like, I've never met anybody that was as deep in the church as you were. So it's a very interesting relationship to watch. And I'm sure because you were so in it, it's a lot more to break down. - Yeah. - Yeah. - And that's when I just observed, okay. So give yourself grace. 'Cause that is, it's hard for anybody. - And speaking of grace. - On the grace of God. ♪ Grace in grace ♪ ♪ How sweet the sound ♪ - Oh, okay. When slash at what moment did you know to go on Zoloft? I'm gonna cut it there and I'll ask part two after. - It was a lovely 2020 and it had been a few months of me talking to my therapist over Zoom. And it was another, I was like waiting for her to be like, suggest it. Like, hey, maybe you should look into it, but she never gave me that. So then finally I was like, yeah. Some of these are like, I don't know, like medication or something, but it scares me. I don't know if I wanna do it. And she was like, well, you could always like, do you think you could go another month? Like, and check in in a month. And I just remember being like, I don't think I can make it a month. Like literally I was like, we better start that now. - Like what, in what regards like make it a month? - It's been so hard just to get day to day. Like the thought of a month was like, like at that point I was just trying to make it through each day. And then the thought of a month, I was like, I don't think I can, like that's not even an option. Like, let's figure this out. So yeah, she connected me to a psychiatrist. And then she said the same thing. So I was like, it kind of scares me. She's like, well, we can like check it in a month. And I was like, I don't think we can do that. But it was fine, but it was fine. - I mean, you've changed in so many beautiful ways after being medicated and getting diagnoses, which I'm sure was so validating to hear. I know also we're celebrating because more recently we did lower our dope. - We did. I don't think I've talked about it publicly. Like honestly, unless I did in the last episode and I forgot 'cause-- - I don't think you did. - Okay, I don't think you did, yeah. - Back in February, or the past year I've been wanting to slowly get off of my medication, which I know sounds like an oxymoron. But it can like, one, no one knows long term, like, you know, anything about it long term. What the doctors will say is like, well, there's no studies yet. And I'm like, cool, but they said that about cigarettes. So I don't know what you want from me. So I've been ideally wanting to eventually get off of it 'cause even when I started, they were like, well, you can go out for six months and come off. Like you can just use as like a, it's a tool. It's not a magic pill. It's not a band-aid that's just gonna fix everything. It's a tool to help you. And then you can decide later, you know, some people end up staying on it for life. That was something I knew from the beginning. I was like, I don't want to do that. And it was really scary because I feel like a few years ago when I needed to up my dose after I had a breakdown on this couch, well, the old couch. - Rip, rip, rip. - I think they're in store, I just said wearing storage. I remember I was on a hundred milligrams of Zoloft and my whole fear was like, and then I ended up upping it to 150. And then my biggest fear is like, okay, so what? And another two years I'm gonna have to go to 170 and just like keep upping it until it doesn't, I'm like used to it. And then finally this, I had been doing good, but of course anytime you're feeling good, you're like, why would I disrupt the piece now? Like if I'm good, we should keep it this way. But it was on top of this year, and I remember thinking like, I really do want to eventually slowly get off of it, but it's not a good time because, you know, we're starting the new podcast and like, you know, like that's been, you know, that's gonna be ramping up. And then after that is, yeah, my birthday or, I don't know, there was just always something and then there's a work trip and a bubble. And I was like, in my head I was like, I need like two months to be like completely depressed, like afterwards, you know? But then finally I was like, Alicia, there's never gonna be a good enough time. Like there's always gonna be something especially with this line of work. Like there's always something, there's always gonna be a new project. So I was like, just go down like 25 milligrams. Like just 'cause that's the way I went up, like very, very small. I was like, let's just go down very slow. Felt nothing, no side effects. And I've heard horror and this side effects can happen. So I was like, oh my God, I had no side effects. It was like February or March. And then April, May. And then in May, right before our trip, I went down another 25 milligrams. So now I'm back to 100 milligrams. And that's the same exact dosage I was on when I was sitting here crying my eyes out. And that was such a like, and I've had no side effects and it's been so fucking good. And it's just like so, I'm like, thank God because I feel like I've only heard people being like, and then I had to up it and then I got dependent on it. And then obviously I'm putting serotonin in my body. Like my body has naturally stopped making its own serotonin because it's used to getting this serotonin from my meds. So like you have to like slowly re let your body learn to like re-dye. - Could you die if you just like stop it? I know you get like insane side effects. Like, and that's why this is where my heart goes with so many like drug addicts because like it's so expensive to just like, I have the luxury at any time. Even if I fly to New York and forget my medication, I can just go to a pharmacy and buy out a pocket. Like, oh shit, I forgot it, let me go buy it. Like some people don't have hundreds of dollars to just buy their medication. And then on top of it, like people are like out there rationing or like they have like a, and you have health insurance. - And I have health insurance. So it's like, like, I just, my heart breaks when I see like homeless people who are like very like mentally unwell because I'm like, dude, like they should be having meds but they don't have it. Like, and like the way my brain was like fucking, what felt like demonic for a second. And that sounds weird after the whole church thing. But like, like the way that like your brain can just be so evil to you. And then just to not have those tools, like my heart breaks for people when I see like mental health issues, especially homeless people. Cause I'm just like, oh, I'm like, dude, like, they have no access to this or people who can't afford it. And then they're like, yeah, I really need my meds but I can't fucking afford it. I'm obviously going to pay my rent over this. And like, it just, it literally breaks my heart. So I definitely want to find a way to like somewhat, how get involved in that. Wow, full tangent, but I have had zero side effects because I've been able to like slowly taper. So I'll probably stay out 100 for another few months and then try to go down to 75 and then try to eventually go to zero. I love that. I know I'm excited. That's amazing. And if I stay at 50 for a while, then that's okay. But I was like, you know what? It took me four years to get here. Let's take another like two years to get off of it. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. Wean yourself off slowly, work with your doctor. We're very excited about that. We are very health focused, doctor focused here. Yes, love that. Okay, we all know I love being comfortable. As soon as I get home, all my clothes are ripped off and I'm immediately in pajamas or comfy clothes. And if you guys have not tried the skim soft lounge anything, you are absolutely missing out. It is my favorite, favorite, favorite line. They have its skims. I actually bought the fold over pants forever ago and then I got them tailored and the tailor actually messed them up. And then they weren't, they weren't selling them for a while. So I'm not kidding. I'd go on the skims website every month and refresh and refresh. Notify when rethought. No, actually, like I am obsessed with them. They're the most comfortable pants in the world. And I, because I didn't have them anymore and I couldn't wear them, I've never wanted to wear a pair of pants more. It's like, when you can't have it, you want it more. I'll also say you guys, they are back. And if you're listening to this right now, go on skims and get the fold over pants. And then you can also get the matching tank tops. So it's a cute matching set. You can wear them as pajamas. You can wear them out and about as like cute lounge wear. You need to try them. Also, I know Alicia, you love the long slip dress. I know I'm not the only one, but I just feel like I've, I still have like big t-shirts from when I was in middle school that I'll just like wear. And sometimes I'm like, Alicia, you're 30. Get rid of them and get cute lounge clothes. You can get matching sets and look cute while still being comfy. It's not so comfy. Yes, like one day you're going to come over, I'm going to be watching my reality TV and I'm going to be in my long slip dress. And that's fine, because I'll be wearing my pants, my tank top. You literally can't go wrong. Shop the Skims Soft Lounge Collection at skims.com. Now available in size is extra extra small to 4X. If you haven't yet, be sure to let them know that we sent you after you place your order. So like podcast and survey and select our show on the dropdown menu that follows. We've had some deep ones. We're going to skip around, do a little fun one, because I know you have a really fun story that you'd like to share with the class. Why did you stop talking to the last guy you were talking to? (laughing) Which one? I mean, I think you should talk about the inaccessibility on certain social media platforms, right? Oh my God. Oh my God. That doesn't go, like it's not the last guy, but I do think you need to touch your big class. This is a, I have a better story. Literally the other day, this is my new story, which I could have, see, I feel like I have stories, but they're not even that. To me I'm like, this is boring, but whatever. Okay, so crazy jet lag, right? I can't sleep. It's like a lovely 2 a.m. It feels like 10 a.m. to me. I'm like, la-di-da-da-da. So I'm just sitting, and I love how you said I like, my brain doesn't think about boys, because it does a lot actually. I just don't verbalize it. I just like. Wow, I'm shocked. I'm not actually shocked. No, it's there. I'm just like, la-di-da-da. And then I was like, oh, I wonder if it ever happened to that one guy who was really hot. I knew at one point he, you know, we kind of stopped talking. We did go on a couple of dates. We kind of stopped talking for a little bit. And then I remember he was playing professional, like soccer or something for a different country, like or something. I was like, oh, wait, athlete, okay, love this, athletics. So I was like, okay, wait, this is crazy, like congrats. Like that's the last thing I'd said to him. And then the other night, I couldn't sleep. So I was like, let me do some stocking, 'cause I wonder what's up, you know? Maybe he like won, if he winning. I was thinking, he was like, that was a good initiative. That was a while ago. I wonder how it's going. Like, I haven't heard from him, which makes sense, 'cause he's literally a professional athlete now in a different country. Nude football. Nude football. Go watch, basically, I'm filtered for that. Inside joke. So I'm sitting there, I'm like, okay, like, well, just stalking, I'm like, you're wide fucking awake. Like, who cares? So I go on Instagram, I'm like, laddie, daddie, daddie, daddie. Shoot, I can't find his Instagram. I was like, okay, let me, I'm like, no, I'm pretty sure this was it, because that's his name. It's very simple name to search, you know? It's not like a misspelling. It's not like underscore exo, exo moment. Very simple, simple name. There's only one way to spell that name, you know? So I'm like, okay, let me go to my friend who is a mutual friend with him, because I know, she's following him. And then I was like, did I mute him at one point? I might have muted him. And then I was like, well, if you mute someone, is it hard to find them again? I was like, I don't know. So then I go to her page, and I'm like, I think he deleted his Instagram, because she's not following him either. And I was like, oh my God, he deleted his Instagram. I was like, I mean, he didn't post that often anyway, so it wasn't unfathomable. But I was like, I remember him talking to me, because he had paid to like, get his handle from someone. Okay. So in my head, I was like, that's so weird to pay someone for a handle, and then to delete it, you're so right. And then I'm like, let me look on TikTok, because I remember he like had a TikTok. I'm looking at the TikTok, can't fucking find it. And I'm like, okay. And then it hits me. Like the school bus hitting Regina George. I think he blocked me. On multiple platforms. On multiple platforms. And I go. I didn't know it was multiple platforms. I go, is this? Did I get blocked? I'm like, there's no fucking way he blocked me. Then I go to just Safari, you know, the internet. I'm like, I type in his Instagram, boom. Comes up, because I'm not locked in. And it says posted a week ago. I go, people are to me. I have no idea why. What? I was gonna say, what warrants a block? I have no idea why. I truly have no idea why. I have a few ideas why, but I have no idea. No idea. No idea. Yeah. And then it hits me. I was like, did you block him back? Oh, you can't even block him back. You can't even fucking look. I know. I should have blocked first. I was rooting for your team. Not anymore. Not anymore. Mmm. Here's my theory. I did, at one point on the podcast, kind of after we stopped talking a little bit, say a story that didn't involve him. So I'm like, either he is so in love with me, and he saw that and got heartbroken. Okay. And here's the thing. Yes, my humor is very conceited. Okay. Maybe he's in a new relationship. That's a thought. Maybe. And also, if you blocked me, you're still in love with me. Maybe the ex-girlfriend or the new girlfriend is like, he's still in love with her. And I can't have access a bit. Like he can't see her. So why are you following her? Yeah. Why are you following her? Mm-hmm. She's clearly amazing. Yeah. And clearly she's the one that got away. It could quite possibly be that. And that's what I think. Am I right? I don't know. Should I do some investigating? Should we do some investigative journalism? Okay. I've always wanted to hire a PI for like any reason. That one? I don't think warrants a PI. No, I am not. Okay. Okay. I'm not spending my money on that. Okay. What I'm thinking is like, I've always wanted to. So if I ever have a reason to, even like a one degree away, like even if you, even if Shane needed me to do like to find someone, like I would love to do that. Okay. I will keep that in mind. Yeah. Don't worry. I have not done one on Cal. Oh, honestly. Wouldn't have been that bad. In the beginning. It could be a great wedding gift. I am curious. For the bachelor party. You passed the test. My dude. Finally. You're like, come here. Hug me. Hug me brother. Well, that's a good tee. I actually forgot my question why. Here you go. Oh, that was, so you stopped talking to the, that was the last, was that the last guy? He was, he was, that was just the, of something that happened last week that I thought was very interesting. Okay. Yeah. I find it interesting for sure. You too. Okay. Why do you think it's so hard to open up to people? I think they just don't get my humor. And because of that, I hold back on my humor. Okay. Like me just saying how fucking amazing I am. I'm like, haha, that's so funny because if you ever lived in my body for a few days, especially in middle school or high school, there's no way that would have come out of my mouth. I agree. Yeah. It's a trauma response, but it's funny. It's, haha. It is funny, but I also understand how maybe to like a new person. Are you saying that? Because now I'm so pretty. Well, because you're so beautiful and like they're so intimidated. Yeah. And they're like, but you know, because everyone loves someone who's like, they're hot, but they don't know it. Exactly. But you can't like walk up and be like, I know I'm hot. Here's the thing. Here's my, here's my real issue. Would I have no makeup? My jokes land. When I have makeup, people don't, they look at me like I'm fucking conceit. I'm like, whoa. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. I'm hot. It's not my fault. I look drastically different with and without makeup. Okay. I will say it is, I think it could be a little jarring to a new person. If you walk up and you're like, yeah, regardless, I think it's a little jarring. So that's why I loved when we had Dixie on, she, I was like, I fucking get you now, bitch. We have the same humor. She'd be like, I'm just like, yeah, I was like, I was like, you get it. And I get it because I don't actually think, I mean, to an extent, a little bit, but not enough to where like, I actually walk around and think that just miss, she's misunderstood. Exactly. It's hilarious. Is that the real reason why you don't open up to people? I think that's, that's like a third of the reason is sometimes I'm like, my jokes aren't gonna land. I've gotten way better at laughing at myself. Like, there's been a few times I've been in a group of people and I like, I set a joke, didn't land. Grown-ish was perfect. The prime example. Great. Prime example of like, ha ha, this is funny. You can laugh at me. Yeah. But people are like, can we laugh? You know what I mean? Yeah. And I'm like, no, like it's, it's hilarious. You can laugh at me. Yeah. And obviously by the time this is out, you would hear the time that I went to the hospital after a concert because I drank too much. And it was our first team bonding with Zayn and Heath. And luckily, you and Zayn knew that I would want, I would want, once you knew I was fine, I would want some photos to remember the night of me on a stretcher. Yeah. I was totally fine. So when we filmed the next episode where we talked about it on basically Enfielder, go follow. And before we record, I go, guys, you can read me to film. It's okay. Please feel like it's, it is so fine for you to make fun of me. I'm giving you permission because sometimes like, like, I find that so funny, but I get, like especially new people, if you're not like that close to like, understand, I get it. I think you would have been mad at me had you come to and been like, did you get a photo on me being like, no. I would have been like, damn, really not even one. Yeah. I know you. I know. And I waited until you were, um... Yeah. Some people might be offended by that, you know, like, why the fuck would you take better as a blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Which is so funny because anytime I see a comment like that, whether it's about me or you, like, why don't you be a good friend and like hold her hair back or like, whatever the case is? I'm just die laughing because I'm like, no, like, the way I would be more upset if you didn't get my body going into anything. I know. And I knew that. And I waited until a, an appropriate time. Exactly. Because you know how to read around. If there was an appropriate time. Uh, yeah. Honestly, I wasn't taking content and then once I saw you lifted in the ambulance, I was like, she is going to want that one. And like, I'm in good hands. It's not like you're like, hold on. Let me leave you on the ground to take a photo. Oh, trust me. When you were on the floor of the bathroom, I was like, she doesn't, she's not going to want this one. She's not going to want that. Ambulance? She's going to want that one. Yeah. Um, go watch that story or the Instagram. Ooh. Have you ever felt like you're a perfectionist because you're hiding something deep down? Oh my God. Who the fuck? Read. I mean, I feel like I used to, but I feel like, um, when I was my most perfectionist self and like very OCD, it was more of people thinking I was boring. If I wasn't like a certain way, um, and then I just got too tired to keep that up. So it went away. Like, schoolesha. Yeah. Like, um, I would make sure everybody was fucking perfect. Like, I would rewatch it 20 times. Like I put all my, all of my all into every video. And some people will be like, wow, you have a great work, work, work ethic. And I'm like, no, I am just literally like OCD over here. And I'm like, like it, like bothers me if it's not perfect. Um, but I think a lot of that perfectionism came from feeling like, well, if it's not the perfect at it and it's not going to be funny enough, and then people are going to think I'm boring or then people are going to think, like I never would have just sat and done like a sit talking video, which LOL, because that's literally all that podcasts are now. Um, yeah. So I think, I think before it would have been like, oh, I need to hide behind this perfectionism. So people don't think I'm boring. I don't know if that makes sense. How are you feeling right now? Because I know that's a really big, I don't want to say fear, but just something always in the back of your mind of the idea of being boring. How are you feeling about that? Oh my God. Honestly, it's so funny because that's one thing like going into the internet, I'm like, oh, I didn't know I had that insecurity until I like found out I had that insecurity. But again, I think a lot of it comes from comparing where I compare myself to other people who are like crazy and doing crazy damn, like we're such different personalities. I've said this before, but I did the Myers-Brigge personality test. Of course I'm the fucking rarest one, INFJ, introvert something, wait, I'm an ENFJ, my mom's an ENFJ. Is that the protagonist? Um, I'm the advocate, ENFJ. Oh my God. That's my mom. That's so crazy. So you're an extrovert. I'm an introvert. Yeah, but everything else is the same. I forget what the N is. Let me look up. Protagonist is usually like the main character, main character. Okay, main character energy, main character energy, INFJ you're the advocate, you're quiet, mystical, and the idealist, literally the rarest one. Um, let me see, let me see, I'm going to nick my, okay, so your eye introvert, N, intuitive, you prefer to focus on possibilities and the big picture and intuitive with people, like reading people. Ah, that's why we both have an N, okay, F is the feelers tend to be sensitive and cooperative and decide based on their own personal values and how others will be affected by their actions and then J are the judgers, which is, I, okay, so I, I've been all over the side of YouTube because it's like everything about the INFJ, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it said it, it, it, which you would feel this way too, art feelings for F and judging can feel very competing at times because we feel like a bad person for not caring about people's feelings if we're judging, but judging is what gives us really good intuition because we're judging. I'll go hand in hand. Yes, but they also kind of, it's like an inner battle between us of like, well, I don't want to hurt their feelings, but also like, oh, but my gut is telling me this about them. I see. So it's like an internal conflict, which I thought was really interesting. We would be twin. We would be. We would be. I think Mike Schaeffer is also an ENFJ. Okay. Slay. I remember him saying I may be. Slay Mike Schaeffer. Meet messages him. He's like, no. We're like an ENFJ. Mm-hmm. Yeah, rarest types. Okay. So right now, because I know you and I had a good deep conversation about it in Asia, we've talked about this a lot. You're big fear or you're a biggest insecurity within all this was always feeling boring. Mm-hmm. And I know that you felt that throughout the years. And how are we feeling about that like right now in this moment? I think right now, what happened after turning 30 was realizing like, this is a bitch, this is how you are. Like, you can't change it. Like, I'm already a butterfly, but I can't change, it's not like I'm like, I've always been this way. You've already met amorphous eyes. I've already met amorphous eyes, as Hillary Duff said. And like, this is just how you're going to be. So like, learn to love the more private parts of you, learn to love that, you know, you are an observer or the things that I used to hate about myself. I'm like, you know what? Like, I don't know. And also just realizing that was just me projecting of like me feeling like I was boring, like or if I ever saw someone else and thought they were boring, I was like, well, Alicia, you think that about yourself. So why are you thinking that about them or like whatever? Mm-hmm. And like the TikTok that was like, you think you can hurt me and I'm like, no, literally, I think a lot of people are so confused how like, we've stayed PG, like, I say PG. I feel like we're actually not when you really listen to our shit. Like people are like, you've never been canceled or you've never like, and I'm like, it's because I have to deal with my own brain. I don't have time to even look at other people's tweets about me. Like, I actually don't have the, the Jesus take the wheel. Like, I truly don't, I can't, I can't because I'm just dealing with myself, which like pros and cons, obviously. But we've gotten better at it, we've gotten way better. I just, and I say this every time, I don't understand how you could think that you're boring. And I don't understand how you, not in a mean way, obviously, but just like, you wanted to keep things more private or you, I don't know, like that, that's not boring. I don't know how you could ever think that's boring. You know why? It's because it's not like, you know what, I'm going to choose to keep this private. It's more of a like, I struggle so much to open up. I struggle so much to just like, talk freely and not think of consequences or like, think how this is going to be interpreted or whatever. So it feels like I'm not able to. So then it feels like, oh, well, since I'm not able to, it's not my choice that I'm not as extroverted. Like, I'm just an I and you're an eating just a bad word for it. I know, but it has a negative connotation where like, obviously being reserved isn't boring, but I would say reserved. I've internalized that, which like obviously I feel like growing up, I was always very, very, very, very, very shy. So I feel like it's that part of me being like, is that my true self versus realizing, no, I've just grown and I've, I've just grown, like now I, I don't know. Does that make sense? Absolutely. Also, like, I think one thing that you struggle with is you, you struggle with change and I think you really struggle with letting things go. And so I think let go of the word boring because you're not who you used to be. And I think reserved is a much better word for it now. And I think you need to let that go because I feel like that's just a really mean word to use for yourself. Oh, for sure. I think that you should use reserved or private, like, and there's nothing wrong with privacy. There's nothing wrong with being reserved. I feel like you were a lot more closed off and a lot, I don't want to say boring, but you are definitely at what what some might define boring in the back in the day. And that's totally fine, but you don't need to hold on to that anymore. I don't think you're boring at all. Thank you. Done. And it's true. Okay. What's one thing you wish you could change about yourself, not from looks that I wouldn't be boring after we were removing that from the dictionary, truly, truly just me overthinking my brain. Like the days that I don't overthink and usually those comes when I'm really, those days usually come when I'm extremely tired, which I'm sure even the viewers can probably realize the difference when I'm like on like when I've slept good for like an episode or something. But when I'm in my head and overthink everything, I just like, it's oh my God, I physically can't. So I wish I'm so envious of people who just like speak what they think. And I would like at that point, I wish I was fucking canceled for something that I didn't mean versus like keeping it all to myself because it can't come out of my mouth. Do you know what I mean? Like I can't like articulate how much I can't articulate, but if we're doing something like not as like negative about me, I honestly, another thing I wish is that goes in hand in hand of just being like more quick-witted. Like I love when I am, but it just comes out naturally and obviously that's not something you can force. But again, when I'm so in my head, I feel like I'm just not like quick-witted. Yeah. But I feel like I can be. And I think that's probably why I struggle with feeling like, I think I just have so many different sides to me because like if you're one of my close friends, you would never say I'm boring, you would never say I'm quiet. You would never, like I'm so outgoing. So I feel like it feels polar opposite to me because then I'm in a group of people and I'm very shy and reserved. Quiet and reserved. Thank you. And so I think to me it feels like not too faced, oh my God, but to me, I see such a like black and white stark difference between the different Alisha's that it can feel very like, oh, like that Alisha's fun or like, oh, this Alisha feels like why can't why she's struggling to say something. That's why I've always been so big on vibes with people like I can, it doesn't matter how long I've known someone, I can just meet someone fucking vibe with them and be myself versus there's other people I've known for years where like anytime they're around, I just like, I don't click with them. And you're, I think there's like a normal level of that with people, but then there's like the Alisha level of that like, you know what I mean? Yeah, where do you think that comes from? The more I've learned about ADHD, the more I've learned like, like you're just more sensitive to like things and like, I think it's just like energy variables in the room or very Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like, and I think that's why in the past I've usually grown or like, you know, out opposites attract like, I like, I tend to like lean towards outgoing people because I'm like, oh, they appreciate my quietness. Oh my God. Haley Ringo, fucking love her. She'll always say she's like, Ashley is like one of our really good friends who's close with Ashley. She's like, such an outgoing person, like so outgoing all over the place. She's like, oh, like anytime around Ashley, she just feels so safe because like, she's so like, put together and then it's funny because I know Ash and I'm like, LOL because I know she's trying to like, why can't I be like, Haley, who's just like more like this? But it's just funny finding someone who like appreciates, you know, I don't know. Yeah. Peanut butter to my jelly. I think you're perfect the way you are. So you agree? I'm perfect. I already told you earlier. I said you're perfect. And I said, block that guy. What's something you've been improving on in your life? Oof. That was probably not the best time to ask. Um, maybe a little thing. Um, skincare. Oh, my skincare. Obviously, I have been varying to my skincare routine even by triple cleanse and then make up off my face and then do my skincare routine. Um, I've had way less oil today. Can you tell? I tried to. You look great. I couldn't block. I already. It looked gorgeous. I'm like, thank you so much. Um, I think just being easier on myself, honestly, I feel like I've low keeping like a piece of shit and just like sitting on the couch watching so much reality TV lately. But like, that's so unheard of for me. And I've just been like, well, I guess I just need to rest like I haven't even walked like literally yesterday. I was like, I need to see the sun. Like I need to move my body, um, because I just like sit all day and like, here I am sitting again all day, but like I'm at quote work, so it's a little different. But um, yeah, I'm like, I need to like move my body and work out. Like I literally need to do something like that. But in my head, I'm like, well, I'm being easier on myself because maybe I just am tired. I've been saying that for like four months. You know, it ebbs and flows and ebbs and flows. It's summer time. The sun's out. We'll get out there eventually. We will. And we will. I'm going to end on a fun question. Okay. Who's one influencer or celebrity that you would shoot your shot with? Oh my God. Ooh. I've always, I mean, I've always said I love um, Adam Devine to shoot your shot with. They can't be married with kids. Stop. Ma'am. The only person that can come to my head right now is um, this guy named Rob from Love Island. But he was a piece of shit to his girl. Oh. I'm watching the finale soon. Well, not the finale. The next episode dot tonight, I'm going to watch it. Okay. He's really hot though. Oh my God. And I'm a DM during the episode, but is he with someone? We don't know. Right? I don't know. Okay. Then pick someone else who's single. Ooh, wait. I love this game. Who should it be? Who do you? What influencer or celebrity would you like to shoot your shot with? Tyler Cameron. Oh, hell no. Oh no. We fucked. We pulverized that one. We ran that shit into the breath. I'm trying to think. Oh my God. That's funny. You should DM Zane. That's going to be the top comment. Yeah. You should just do. Hey. Hi. He's like, "Hey, what's up?" Slide into the DMs and just say hi. Hey. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Please do it. Glen Powell. He's single. I guess so. Message him. What should I say? I think he's single. Just say, "Hey." Say, "Hey, love the new movie." Hey, I know something you can hit, man. Man. That's funny. Yeah, he's so cute. But I love him. He seems so nice too. Yeah. Love this. Glen Powell. Who is your hit, man? I know something you hit. That's fucking funny. We were actually sending it. I didn't know we were actually sending that. You can't tell me to send it and then what is it? I was just kidding. I would just lead with them. Hey. Winky face. Or, "Hey, smile." That's fucking funny because it's never going to happen. So it's funny. Don't manifest that. He's moving to Texas. We do love a cow or a rodeo. I know something you can hit, man. Man. All right. You saw here first, guys. Next week, we will report back with any results. Okay, perfect. He might see it. Did you message Zane as well? No, but I can. Say, "Hey, Winky face." He's literally going to be like, "Yeah." So, do it. My favorite is when you go to DM your friend, but it's his business chat. Because you're-- Hey, business account. Hey, business account. Hello. Circling back. Circling back. Circling back. Per my last email. Per my last email. All right. Thank you so much for coming on the show. Oh, my God. No, literally any time. Thank you so much for having me. If you guys haven't already, you can follow me at Alisha on Instagram. Alisha Marie Vlogs, Alisha Marie YouTube. I did upload a haul of everything I got from Asia. I did watch it. It was spectacular. There were lots of purses. I actually forgot. I forgot. What? Hi, Sunny Angels. No. I ordered you a new purse. And I was going to give it to you on the podcast to say thank you for such an amazing trip. And I was trying to fill it with the Japanese drinks. Stop. But we couldn't find the drinks and the purse is coming from Korea, so it's going to be a while. But I forgot till right now, we always love to give our guests a gift, a party gift. You're so right. Yes. Can I have another pretty basic palette? I think there's some back there I saw. Yeah, they're so expired, but feel free. No, no. They're not open, so they're not expired. Does it not start till you open it? Yeah. Are you sure? Mm-hmm. It can just sit there for years? Mm-hmm. Okay. You guys were selling pretty basic-- [laughter] Yeah. Seriously? Thank you for opening up. No, I mean, literally any time. I mean, you guys, if you want more, Alicia, let us know what you want from her. She'll give it to you. Yeah. We'll report back next week with a-- Hopefully, I go on a date with Glen Powell. Let's all put it up. Everyone comment, Alicia goes on a date with Glen Powell. I would literally love him. He's so cute. He's like a real movie star, you know? Well, one time we were at a party. Mm-hmm. You weren't there. Okay. One time I was at a party and he was there. Say hi. Because, well, he was with his ex at the time. Oh. And I was like, what? But it was through a mutual friend of a mutual friend, who they were at, anyway, someone knew the birthday boy, too, who I had just recently become friends with. And I was like, what the fuck is he doing here? And I just watched Top Gun. And I was like, wait. I can't look. Good plan. We go to the allogym every day. Does he go to the allogym? Yes, he does Pilates with Octopus lover. And Brooks Gofield. Wait. Wait. Wait. Broke will hook it up. I feel like Brooks-- I feel like he and Brooke would look really good together. Well, thank you so much. Two people who are not boring at all. Love you guys. Bye. Bye. [MUSIC] Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode. [MUSIC] [BLANK_AUDIO]
