Food Was My Enemy
Addictive Eaters Anonymous
Katie B
Hello, the speaker has been recorded at a meeting of addictive haters anonymous. For more information, visit our website www.aenfo.org. Thank you. Hi, I'm Katie. I'm an addictive eater. I'm just looking to the door because I spoke to somebody today that I saw at the place from staying. He said he might come to the meeting, so of course I'm optimistic, but it's good to be able to share my story, although I did wake up at 3.30 this morning, thinking, "Oh, no, what am I going to share?" But it doesn't matter. In a nutshell, my eating was very painful. I loved food when I was young, but from a young age, I started controlling my eating, and then from then on, food was the enemy. I always wanted more, but I always tried to be on a diet, so it was pretty painful for me from a young age. Once I started eating, that compulsion started, and it was hard for me to stop. But then I hated myself for that, so it was this constant merry-go-round. And I'm really grateful that when I came here, I was able to hear some things that were shared. Very clearly, I remember my first meeting was in the old church the Monday, where the Monday meeting was, and no longer is there because of the earthquake, of course, but I remember walking up those stairs, and I remember a few members, not much. I don't think I remember anything that was shared. I remember that it was very quiet, and it felt really serious and really heavy, whereas my denial with my disease was, "Everything's fine, everything's wonderful, I'm not that bad." So the seriousness of the meeting really struck me, made me feel uncomfortable, and I remember sharing and getting very, very, very embarrassed, like turning to Marto Red, but that was pretty common for me. It still happens today, but not as often. But then after the meeting, someone phoned and shared her story with me, and like I say, I was able to hear a few things. I mean, I know I argued, and I know I was kind of fighting what she was sharing, even though she was just reaching out to try and help me. But some of the things that I remember are her talking about this being a disease and the disease of addiction, and it's just like alcoholism and for an alcoholic to get sober. For us to get sober is an addictive eater, it's the same as an alcoholic we have to put down the alcohol with food and anything mind-altering, because addiction just switches from one substance to another. So I did hear that, and I did hear that it gets progressively worse over time, and that had been my experience. I had periods where I could die, and I could control my eating, but they were getting shorter and shorter, and my binges were getting worse and worse, and yeah, the self-loathing was getting worse. And so I remember that, and I'm forever grateful for that message being shared so clearly with me. And you know, often when I get nervous about sharing, I think, well, you know, who knows what a person hears? I just know that's what I heard, and I think part of it was because I was ready, the time was right, and that's what I believe is by God's grace, and you know, the fact that I came back, I also believe is from a higher power, so I'm very, very grateful for that. Yeah, as a result of that conversation, I had a feeling of peace and hope, like I'd never had before in my life, feeling that I could be free. Yeah, we talk about a pink cloud experience, and it was a little bit for me like I felt this heavy weight had been lifted. I remember I went back to where I lived, and there was a friend I met her for coffee, of course, because I was still into that, and I remember telling her I was so excited, you know, I was in a dictative eater or overeat or whatever wording I used, and I was just like an alcoholic, and I was going to be free, and she just looked at me like I was balmy. I did the same thing to my parents, which probably wasn't fun for them to hear, but I genuinely was excited, but that again was just my lack of understanding of how this disease had affected me and all areas of my life, because it really did take me time from that experience to learn that this is a way of life, even though I had that virtual awakening, if you want to call it that, it didn't mean I then knew how to live this way of life. It just gave me a desire in my heart to want to keep coming back, so I'm really, really grateful for that. And just all the help I got from so many members in the beginning about first things first, you know, having a food plan, keeping it squeaky clean, that took me a long time, I was just joking about that last night, actually, about how it took me about two years to learn how to eat my meals on time, because I was always wanting to eat them early, or something else, some other things that were undisciplined, because I was disorganized, so I'm grateful for all that help that I got to learn how to, you know, just basic, don't pick up that first one, get to a meeting and help somebody else. I needed to hear that over and over and over again, and today it's probably back to basics for me again, actually, because, you know, I live in a different place to my sponsor, and you know, I think I'm willing to go to any lengths, and I think I'm honest and open-minded and willing, but I know when I was new, I remember reading or learning about where it says in the book, half measures have held us nothing, and I thought my experience is that 95% measures have held me nothing, because in the beginning, like I say, I really loved the 12 steps and sobriety, going to meetings, you know, I loved all those things, but there was still a sneaky part of me, like that 5% of me that didn't want to be fully honest, or I didn't want to give myself completely to this program, still wanted to be obsessed with boyfriends, or, I don't know, thinking I wanted a life or something, and, yeah, so it just took me more eating to be completely convinced that I had to give myself completely to the simple way of life, follow a few simple rules, I think it caused it in the big book. I'm not a very good rule, follow us, that took me time to be convinced, and, yeah, I feel like I'm back to that place right now, actually, of just being 100% willing to be honest and open-minded and willing, yeah, so as a result, I have a really great life today. When I was new, all I wanted to hear was rags to riches stories, because I had no money, so I wanted to hear, you were down and out, you were a bum in the gutter, and now you're rich and, you know, wealthy and living well, and, you know, it is true that materially things get taken care of, if we get sober and we get well, we can work and be productive, and, yeah, so materially things do get taken care of as a result of this way of life, but it's about so much more than that, it's about the thinking and being free of that thinking, so I'm not listening to myself, and so anyway, I'm very, very grateful that I can live comfortably in my own skin most of the time today, I don't hate myself, and, you know, when I do have a problem, I'm, like, waking up at 3.30 in the morning with a noisy head, you know, there is a solution, we have the 12 steps, we have prayer and meditation, I have the fellowship, and sponsorship, of course, is extremely important, because I can't sponsor myself, I can't think, okay, I got this now and I'll just do it the way I want to do it, I would not work. Sorry, I'm always asking questions, how long do I speak for, or is it just my choice? Okay, thank you. All right, so just share a little bit more about what it's like for me today, I don't know, I'm trying to remember what I wanted to hear about when I was new. I love hearing when people talk about how they screwed up, I don't know if I liked hearing that when I was new, I think I always did, there was a guy who always used to share meetings about peeing his pants when he was drinking, and I don't know, I always like hearing the nitty-gritty stories of what we did and what we did, and then I like hearing, it says in the book how we admit our faults to each other, and I've always believed in that, that if I share the worst part of me, like my strengths are not going to lead me back to the food, my defects or the things that I struggle with me, so if I'm honest about those things, yeah, I don't know, it just seems to work for me, so step 10, right, we admit it when we're wrong. So yesterday, what did I do, yeah, just to give an example, I want to be better than I am, I want to be a better driver than I am, last night driving, reverse back crunch, oh god, I'm back into a bush, thankfully the happy ending to the story is my car was not scratched and the bush was okay, but I know, I just, I don't know if other people need as much help living life as I do, but I just seem to need a lot of help doing simple things, you know, my husband's coming to join me on holiday, and I thought, I'm not a very nice wife, because he's been gone, I've been gone for seven days and I haven't missed him yet, oh sorry, he won't listen to this, but I, you know, I was really glad that today I did, so thank you god, I'm not all that bad, but yeah, so I really need this way of life so that I can function as a reasonably decent person, and I will just end with this one story, it was really, really the highlight of my day today, well one of the highlights of my day today was, you know, sitting in this corner at the place that I'm staying, and these two guys started talking about how much food they were eating, five liters of ice cream a day, three pizzas a day, and then he said, lady, what do you think of that? And I said, well, funny you are, I'm really glad you did actually, because yeah, I'm a member of this in this program, and then I could just share a little bit, and he's like, you don't look like you need that program, and I said, well, I've been coming for a while, and you know, once I start eating, I can't stop, because really, because I'm like that, you know, I can't stop either, and I think I have a problem, so anyway, that was, that was a beautiful god shot for me today, so it's good to be here, it's good to be sober, thank you very much.