A Hole Inside Me
Addictive Eaters Anonymous
Anonymous
Hello, the speaker has been recorded at a meeting of the Dictivators Anonymous. For more information visit our website www.aenfo.org. My name is Ingrid and I'm an addictive eater and welcome to anyone who's new or fairly new to this meeting. And thank you for asking me to share my experience. I'm a bit nervous to talk with you guys, but I'm just going to tell you what it was like, what happened for me and what it's like now. And that's something I do know. So I hope you hear something, you really hate to. Something that can help you today to be well. So yeah, when I came to a Dictivators Anonymous, actually before I came, I just ran. I was running from everything. I didn't want to feel the way that I felt. And I had this persistent voice in my head telling me that I was worthless. Yeah, that I was taking from this world and that I was not helpful and that I didn't have a right to be here. So I just kept running and running. I thought if I just filled my life full, then I could pretend like those feelings weren't there. And then maybe I could, if I did enough good things, then maybe I could be worth it in the end. So I remember actually Friday nights, there was something I used to do this like a group of people would go to this motel. It's like a really sleazy, one star hotel. And we would go there and we would bring pizza and games and play with the kids. Because there's a bunch of homeless people that actually live full time in the motel. So we would go and we'd bring this to them and we'd play with them. And then I would always go because when I was there, it was right during dinner time. So I wouldn't have to eat because we'd have to save all the food for the guests. And I also would be playing with the kids. I wouldn't have to think about eating or at least I could try to not think about eating for the time I was playing with them. And then by the time it was over, the whole group would leave. You know, they would just stay for a couple hours and then they would leave. But I didn't want to leave because I knew if I left, then I would go find something to eat. And I was afraid that once I started eating, I couldn't stop because that's how it was. So I would just stay there. I would stay there at night by myself playing with random strangers' kids. And I told my old coworker about this, like, "Yeah, go to this great place on Friday nights." It's at such and such motel. And she's like, "Ingrid, don't not go there by yourself. My husband was shot there." He was the security guard and he wore it. He was wearing a vest, though he was injured but he wasn't killed. But he was shot at that motel. And I was just hanging out there by myself trying to make myself okay and to run away from food. And if you would have asked me then, "Is that what you're doing?" I would have no idea. That's what I was doing. I'm going to know how to explain that to you. But I've seen now that that's what I was doing. I was running away from this obsession and illness in my mind and in my body that was telling me, "I don't deserve to eat and I don't deserve anything. I'm worthless." And I thought that if I could just sort out my life, if I would just do things better, then my issues with food would stop. The issues I was having was, in my head, I was always thinking about what I could eat and I wanted to eat because I knew that I would feel a couple minutes, a little period of relief once I was starting to eat. So I was always wanting to eat, but then whenever I did start to eat, my brain would attack me telling me I'm such a horrible person for eating all this food. And so my response to that was just restricting. Just try to eat as little as I can. If I can't start it, if I don't start it, then I won't have any trouble stopping. Well, that didn't work. It worked for a while. And then I got really scared because I started binging. In the middle of the night, off random places, I would binge. And I would eat even things that were not really edible, like frozen from the bins, things that were like condiments and spices, I'd be eating those. And that was scary because that's not what I did. I restricted and now I'm doing something scary. So I was aware that I had reached a level where there was something going on with my eating. That was a problem that I couldn't solve. So of course I never talked about this to anyone. I never talked about this to anyone. But I went to the dentist and I asked my dentist if my teeth were okay because people had told me that if you are underweight for too long, that if there's a risk to your bone health and your teeth health. So I asked her and she said yes, your teeth are fine, but I have noticed you lost a lot of weight. And I just want you to know that I eat compulsively and I've obsessed about food. And I found help with these meetings. And here's my number and my card if you ever want to go. I thought no way. Like you don't understand me. You don't know my problem. But actually that was a great help to me. So when I was in real serious pain on the bathroom floor from a binge, I called the number and I started to go to meetings. And what I loved about meetings is when I listened to you guys share, you talked about being helpful to other people. Not like you were showing off, but you were just talking about what you did during the day. I heard people share that they did service at jails that they talked about the program first. Like their life, their priority was about sharing that there is a freedom. There is a solution from the constant thinking of I want to eat, I want to eat, I want to eat. And the inability to stop eating once they start. And then also that spirituality of like, I think I'm worthless and I can't run my life. That there is something that could fill that hole inside of me that I was feeling like this higher power shaped hole inside of me. So, you know, that's what kept me coming back. I didn't want to know all these hard things. I thought it would have to do with food. I didn't want to know that. But I did love that what was on offer was a freedom. Was it an ability to be able to do something and live a life that's really helpful for others? To others coming from a place of fullness instead of a place of running. And so I got a big book on my first meeting and I started reading it and I loved it. So I thought I got this, you know, I'm just going to read the big book. I'm going to go to meetings and I think I can squash this problem. I'll change my life. Eating problem just fade away. It's going to be fine. So I started going to meetings probably I was going to meetings for over a year and I was getting worse. The eating was getting worse. And I thought, what is the problem? I'm reading the steps. It's not fine. But I hadn't stopped eating. I was still manipulating food. I was running to food as a solution. I was eating uncontrollably. Yeah. I had no way to stop the eating. So I thought, I know. I'll go to a nutritionist. She'll give me a food plan. I'll just follow the food plan. And from the nutritionist, and that'd be fine. So I got it from the nutritionist and I lied. I lied to myself about the food plan. I started saying, oh, this food kind of fits into two categories as fine. So that did not work for me either. I had to completely do this program as it's laid out in the big book. And from a sponsor who's done it before me in order to really experience help. Moving forward, help. Freedom from the addiction, the eating, the physical allergy, the mental obsession, and the spirituality. So I did. I asked for a sponsor. And for me, that was a real tangible step of making a decision to do it a different way. To acknowledge that I had a problem bigger than something I couldn't solve. And to acknowledge that I believed in something bigger than me was a solution. I did believe that if I asked her and did what she said, that there could be a chance that I would be okay. I didn't know if I could do it. You know, the program, I really didn't know if I could do it. But I knew that it had worked for other people and that I wanted to just for today, just for that day. And I started to begin to trust a higher power. I got other phone numbers and members and it was one morning I was trying to get to work. And I was terrified. I just, I lived in fear all the time. So all I was do, all I needed to do was get dressed and brush my teeth and go to work. Like so simple. But I was terrified and so I just called another member of this program because here today for help. And I said, I was crying. I was like, look, I can't get dressed. I can't go to work. I'm terrified. And she said, go outside right now and get on your knees and ask your higher power for help. Just help to get dressed. And when you're done, thank your higher power. And so I did. And she said, I'll stay on the line. And so I did. I walked back in the house. I got on my knees. I prayed for help. I walked back in the house. I put on my clothes. I thank my higher power and I got back on the phone with her. I said, okay, I did it. And she said, okay, ask your higher power for help to brush your teeth and thank him when you're done. I'll be right here. And I did the same thing. I asked my higher power for help, brushed my teeth. I thanked him and she was right there. And then it all the way to the point that I was sitting in my car and I got, and I made it to work. And that just is an example to me of how I put myself out there by making that phone call and by asking my higher power for help. And that higher power showed up for me and I learned to trust. And tens of thousands of more of those situations have happened to me in the last five years. Like, so many times I've just been willing to go to my higher power and say, I can't, I can't do this and I need help. And that higher power has shown up for me. And that the people in this group have been here to support me and direct me right back to my higher power over and over again. My sponsor says this beautiful thing. She says, where is your higher power in this? Where is your higher power? And that is what helps me get through because when things happen, I don't want to happen. I don't want to be sick right now talking to you guys with a horrible voice. I don't want to be, I would like to be in Scotland at a great, going to the AEA event with you all, but I am not. And that's okay because I could just sit in this moment and say, where is my higher power in this? And then look and see it and think my higher power. And I do not have to dig to leave today, which is great. It tries to come back and get me sometimes. But somebody send me a message if I'm talking too long, please, because I don't know where I'm at all my times. But I just want to say sometimes the illness comes back to me. I had a phase where I wanted to be really muscular. So I thought I need to do all these things because I need to be muscular, which is just a disguised way for me to say thing. And so I was talking to my sponsor about this. And she said something that was really helpful to me. She said, when you die at your funeral, do you want people to say, oh yeah, Ingrid, she was really health conscious. She was a really muscular person and her food in her fitness was really important to her. Or would you rather that they say, oh, you know, Ingrid, she was a kind and loving friend. She showed up even when it was hard. She accepted me for who I was and she loved me. That's the person I want to be. I don't care if I'm muscular or not, because who cares? I know that I have this issue with food. So I have to put things regarding food and my weight down and not worry about that. In an exchange, I get to be more and more of that person, that loving friend. So I just want to keep showing up, keep sharing that this is on offer for all of us. And thank you to my higher power for showing you, he's right here with me helping you through. Thank you for listening, I look forward to listening to you.