A Flower Blooming
Addictive Eaters Anonymous
Robyn H
Hello, the speaker has been recorded at the meeting of the Dictivators Anonymous. For more information visit our website www.aenfo.org. My name is Robin and I am an Edictivator. This is God's show, not mine. I wanted to start with what it was like, which was pretty miserable. But I didn't know it was miserable. I thought that I was trying to live my best life and trying to control everything that went on in my life. I was eating, but when I came back it actually wasn't the food that was the thing that was most hurting me. It was the fact that my life was a mess. As you and I came back to Christchurch and I knew driving back to Christchurch that I needed to come back here. And so it took me a few months to get to the point where I was here. I knew that I wanted to just do what I was told. I needed to do something different than what I had before. But actually it wasn't the doing or me thinking about what I needed to do. It was more that I had reached my bottom, I believe. I was prepared to do what all of you or I could see that you were doing. So it just felt, I knew that I was in the right place, but it just felt awkward and different and not easy. But I can honestly say that that's not the case now. And I'm reminded of what I hear quite often more will be revealed. And I was thinking about this the other day that I came here and tried to do my first step and share that with somebody. When I think back it was quite superficial, but I did the best that I could. But recently I've been able to see more. It was because I realized that, I don't know why I realized it, but I just did that at times was quite distant. And it was just something that somebody had said. And when I looked at that or was prepared to look at it, it was I saw the fear, more fear, the fear that I'd lived with all my life. And the fear that I had thought I was the one that had to make me better. But I'm sorry this is a bit disjointed, but I remember just a few weeks ago, Louise came into a meeting and she was asked to share and she said, I don't know. I just don't know. I thought, yes, that's right. I don't know. I don't actually know what needs to get better. What I do need to do is be here and try to live the way that I believe God wants me to live in the way that I see people living in the program. And I'll know what needs to be done. And I don't even actually have to do it. It's like being here is enough and wanting it is enough for the change to happen and the change hasn't really got a lot to do with me. So what's happened as a result of that is that I want to be here even more. And it's like I can't try to control things or fix things or be anything other than here. It sounds so frustrating to say that, but it's so true when I look at my experience. The relationship that I had with the higher power or the God of my understanding is very different than the God that I had when I came back. And I couldn't, I can't explain it, but it just is different. And I'm really happy with that. Like, I don't have any fixed idea about a religious God or a particular faith or anything. It's just, it's kind of like a flower blooming. I don't mean I'm the flower that's blooming. I mean that the life that I'm beginning to have and see is one of a bloom rather than something that's happened as a result of me following as a result of me doing something. But I think that's all I want to say.