Chewing the Cud
A Twitchen Valentine - Chewing The Cud - S05E05
(upbeat music) - You're watching chewing the cud. It's Mike, Benioon Row and Aaron Twitchen. - And I said as sweet as the offer was, that's not what I envisioned when I said I'd wait 12 dozen Rosewood's. Hello and welcome to chewing the cud and I'll Valentine's theme show. This week I'm joined by someone who wants to describe to yourself as geriatric millennial. It's Aaron Twitchen. - Hello, once I think it was like literally last week. (laughing) - You love it. I love being a geriatric millennial. - What is a geriatric millennial? - Someone who, because the millennial bracket is so big, isn't it? - I'm an early millennial. - What is that? - So I'm at the very beginning of the millennial. - Oh no, you're a geriatric millennial then. - Yeah, yeah. - That early makes it sound like you're younger. - That's why I chose that. (laughing) I'm an early millennial. - No, geriatric millennial. It's like I'm still trying to be cool, but I just can't handle TikToks. It feels like young people shouting at me. I just, I can't bear it. - So what have you got for us this week? - This week I am talking about a celebrity who's checking in on our mental health and having a romantic theme game to play along with. It's not me saying that, so that's interesting. And that's before we get up close and personal with Aaron Spotlight. On screen now you can see all of our social media. Just search for @thecudtv. And as people who have popped up in our comments go along the bottom of the screen, it's time for Mike in the buzz. (upbeat music) - Children, do you have children in your life? - Oh my God, I was gonna ask you if I had children. - No, no, no, it's like not that I've accidentally known. Yeah, I have my two nibblings, so I have like a niece and an nephew. - Cute. - But I really love being an uncle. - I don't wanna be a gunkul or like a funkul. I wanna be a hunkul, okay? I wanna be like a hunky uncle. - No. - That's my aim. - No, I'm obsessed with the kids. - Because I get to be fun and crazy. And all the kids in the family love me because I'll get drunk and go on a trampoline and think I'm a hero. And then nearly break my neck and I don't know, they go crazy for that. - They do, I've got some nephews in my life. But so a seven year old, you get a seven year old giving you a drawing, it can be sweet. - It can? - It can. - Is it of you? - No, no, this isn't me, thankfully. - Okay. - This is a story of someone whose child brought home a lovely Valentine's Day card written for them for her and her husband, okay? And there's been a bit of a controversy about this picture. - Oh, I see it. - What do you see? - There's a dog on the lead with a hat on. - Yeah, and jumping over a Henry Hoover. - Yeah, yeah. - And then I'm, you're one on the far right with the Lulli Yellow Short. And has got something that I don't want to assume the gender of this person, but they have something that might suggest it is. - It's a dog treat. - A dog treat, yeah. - It's a dog treat. - Well, it's a treat for all of us. If I saw someone walking down the street with that, I'd be like, what a treat. - So short, shorting, and I'm happy about it. Good for you, hon. You go put your tree out to the masses. - Also panting and wanting to, yeah. I mean, I'd be more inclined to think it was a print if it were gray sweatpants. - Yeah, but yellow shorts, yellow shorts are the new gray sweatpants. Everyone's doing it, yeah. - I did not know that. - Above the knee, this is a queer person. Straight people down to the knee. Look where those knees are, that has been put in there deliberately showing it all. I actually also think this is fake. - Fake news. - You think this is fake? - I think it's conspiracy. I think people are doing this now, aren't they? Where they can see that like, if you draw a picture or something, it can go all over the internet. I think that tree is too biologically accurate. The lining, that is, I've seen that tree before. I know exactly who the treat that is. - You know who that is? - Paul from (beep) - I know that was (beep) - Lockdown, seems like a distant memory. - What is lockdown? - Lockdown. - Yes. - It's where they stop people leaving the house. - I don't recall that. - I don't remember. - You don't remember. - I missed that one. - Yes, we were in the, well, I'm still going on about it now. (laughing) - You were gonna say, did you do any baking during lockdown? - Was that, I was absolutely terrible at it. What? - Cinnamon buttons. - Cinnamon buttons. - And they look like they've been absolutely jizzed on. - Yes. - I do vaguely remember. - Some people got a pet during lockdown. - Right. - Which was a different choice. - This is Jessica. - Okay. - Someone that basically got a little hamster and called her "Hammington." - Oh, that's cute, "Hammington." - Yeah. - What a regal hamster. - I know. - Sadly, after "Hammington" died, 'cause they don't last long. She had him stuffed and turned into a pole dancer. - Oh my God. - So there he is. - She's killing it. Look at the money she's getting. This is like J-Lo hassles all over. - Pink G-string, pole, dollar bills. - Also, she is skinny. Like, look at that hand. She's a rain. - She's Mariah levels. - Essentially. - In such a way. - Do you know what? - As, so I used to be in a circus and I've done a bit of pole. And like, what I will say about this is great idea, reasonably well executed, but disappointing that she's just on her feet. Like, where's the invert? Where's the hook? Where's the, you know, sexy little martini glass? - Oh, we've got one for them. - I mean, I think she, you go, if you go in, go big. - Go in, go in. - Or is only five pounds for that monstrosity? - What, do you think that's a reasonable or unreasonable? - I think that's a unreasonable amount. - What, two high? - That's too high. - No, look at the craft in there. - If the, the quality was higher, yeah, but that. - No, that is good. That will, I mean, it's gonna tell like, being like, hey girl, hey. That's like, present. You could then easily dress it up in a nightgown and she could be Miss Worlds. You know, like, Miss Congeniality, where she walks with the trophy. - No, not the trophy, the, I am the, well, I'm the lady. I'm in New York. I burn brightly all the time. Who am I? Who am I? Lady Liberty. - Oh, okay. - Is that what she's called? - Statue Liberty. - Statue Liberty. - Statue of Liberty. - Statue of Liberty. - Yeah, I know, my shit. I think this is good. I, I actually now think we should have more taxidermied, small animals. - Okay. - Like, I would like to see taxidermied snakes. I wanna see, like, just if you find a pigeon on the road, then that should be done up to be. More character base. - Okay. - Animals. I think this is good. And are those real dollar bills as well? 'Cause that adds up the value. - They're not real dollar bills. - I think it's good. Look how gorge and shiny our eyes are. Like, this is, I mean, if you look at the facial expression, it's slightly like it's trapped. (laughs) - You're going to be struggling forever. - It's, it's, it's hamster facing it. - The glossy of the eyes. Like, this is, this is, this hamster young in its use being celebrated. - My granny recently passed and I'm getting ideas. Okay. And if you feel like stuffing a loved one, why not share it with us on @thecuttv on social media? And that takes us to our story of the week. Now, Valentine's Day is upon us. - Yes. - Do you have any exciting plans? - Um, I think I'm doing a radio record actually. - Nice. - Maybe I should have kept it free. Or do you think maybe that radio presenter is trying to seduce? - Maybe they're trying to seduce you. - That'd be good. - Mm-hmm. - Forwards fit. No, not particularly. - No. - But I do love Valentine's Day, I love love. - Yeah, me too. I've got a bottle of wine planned. - Are you, are you kingering? - Or? (laughs) - Not, not until after. - Not until after it's been dropped. - But yeah, and this is a story about a gentleman in America who was a bit bored on his Valentine's Day. - Yeah. - And found a small alligator basically. And so we're playing with the small alligator and just, you know, playing with his mouth. There he is. Alligator playing with his mouth. Just like, you know, you do with a dog and you just like play fighting with an alligator. And then he got a bit bored with doing that and said, I wonder what would happen if I did that with a testicle? - No. - Yeah. - No. - And there he is. Alligator went nibble, nibble. (laughs) - No. - Why would you, why would you do that? Why would you film that? People like this don't, I don't understand what is it? - No. - I absolutely am terrified of alligators. I absolutely hate them. We went to Florida on holiday and my sister loves alligators. I just felt like I was just being traumas for the whole week. Well, the one thing I said while we were on holiday was like, I do not want to see an alligator. I was too scared to go running around the holiday camp that we wrapped because I was pretty sure one of them would get me even though there was no water. - Okay. - Like, I just did not want to see an alligator. I got taken to alligator crazy gold with the plastic ones and baby ones. So like ones like that. And do you know what, they're evil little shits and I could see and they're right. 'Cause they're only babies at that point. But they're looking you. Like if you mock them or whatever, I'm thinking they're going to get you later on. - Yeah, five years time I'm going to eat you. - That's why I'm not going back. Like they've got grudges and I'm not, I'm not burying that. I've got enough grudges where I'm where I live. Right? And like, they're just a nench. Not only that, she then wanted to go to Alligator World. I had to drive her to alligator, and I had to drive her to alligator World. I didn't get out of the car. I'm not risking it. Oh no, I'll meet you around the back. You can get out. You can get back in when you're ready. I'm not, I don't want anything to do. So people like this, I know, I think fair game. I hope that alligator got the whole thing. - No, it was a juicy, I hope he popped it. I hope it was as painful as possible for that man. Because he doesn't know. You don't get to tease, I hate them, they're evil. I don't want to ever see one again. I'm glad that this picture is all for quality, otherwise I'd be struggling. But I hope that alligator remembers and stalks and hunts down. I would like to see that, yeah. - Like chase you out for the other testicle bit. - Exactly like that. I want to see that movie, and I want the alligator played by Octavia Spencer. I wanted to be like Marlle, but she's an alligator chasing this one man to get the other testicle. What was Hook getting the other hands? - Yeah, huh. - Well, now we go. This is the adult version. That'll be all over Pornhub before the end of the week now. Alligator Porn. That's, you've always got to think of new story like, I was, I was going to say it was for friends. And then I was going to say I read an article and actually realized I saw a TikTok or like I read a tweet about a girl. I think she was a comedian. And her like day job was writing scripts for pornos. - Okay, nice. - She said the hardest part is coming up with new stories. So she, if you're listening, alligator porn. I think that could be a big one. - That is very niche indeed, but that's all from the buzz this week. - Well, thanks for that, Mike. - I can't get over alligator porn. Coming up after this show break, Aaron brings us a look at some celebrity news in the show this time. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - Yeah, it's so disturbing watching blood come out of the TV screen. You're watching Chew in the could with Aaron and Mike. Now let's get ready for the show Biz with Aaron. (upbeat music) - Welcome to the show this section. How are you with body contour underwear? What are you trying to say? - I'm just saying that that's not a natural body, Mike. Surely that is, of course, out of there. - There's just one wire goes and we'll all lose an eye, all right? - Right, yeah. - Buttons flying off everywhere. - Are you familiar with Kim Kardashian's skims range? - I am aware of her trying to make people feel better about the bodies by making money. - You wanted to say that I am aware of her work and then you realize she doesn't really work? - That's what I was going to say, like I'm aware of what she doesn't do anything. - It's hugely successful with her skims. She's an underlying wear that comes in a range of colors and like body, it nips you in, it pushes you out, it makes you look however you want to look. - New model. - Just make you six foot. - Oh my God, I don't know if it does make you six foot but I keep getting adverts on Instagram for socks that have got an extra inch in the heel. - Don't do them. - Why me? I'm the perfect height. Like I never hit my head on doors but old ladies always ask me to take things off shelves. - Okay. - Why would I make it? - Of course. - I don't know. Perfect. I'm just like that Mary popping things. I stand next to the thing and goes, practically perfect everywhere. - Yeah, not in every way, just that way. - Oh, okay. I'm humble enough. Even though my website is iloveran.co.uk, it's humbledergs, it's not.com. - Okay. - Because I'm not worldwide, I'm just national. Congratational is a new model spokesperson for the Valentine's limited edition range and it's Lana Del Rey. Look at her. It's an act you didn't know you won, giving absolutely nothing in the face. - Dead behind the eyes, I believe the phrase is. - I'm surprised that Lana Del Rey is doing this because she's, I don't think she was a big one for promotional stuff going out there talking about her wares. And isn't she working in like a burger joint? - What? - Have you heard that though? - Oh, she works in like a Wendy's just part time. - Not even like, I don't even leave in this house. - Just 'cause she wanted to, so yeah. And like her fans sometimes go. And she, yeah, she just serves burgers and stuff. - Is she not a well-renowned like recording artist? - Yeah, she doesn't do it for the money on that. She just doesn't, like she thinks it's nice, it's a bit of a lark. So why has she's done this? I don't really know. But it's very good timing on the Kardashians part 'cause it was announced two days after she'd been nominated for a Grammy or two. I mean, she looks very lovely. I'm just very surprised. I didn't think Lana Del Rey was the one who'd be selling underwear. - Why has she been shot? - 'Cause she's having Valentine's. She's been, she, well, she, what happened was, she knew she was coming in for this section, but she accidentally walked in during the opening VT. And that was her blood that you saw there. - Oh, all right, okay. - So it's all artsy. - All Lana. - Ah, but I mean, it looks very nice. Long as you read type thing. I'm not sure why she's wearing a black veil. - Is that considered sexy for heterosexuals? - Death to the body shape that's not yours. - I just, I don't get body shaping underwear. - I can get it. I see it. - I mean, I've tried, I've tried, it just doesn't work for me 'cause I don't get it. - I might start buying shop mannequins, cutting them up and then just putting them underneath my clothes because then you doesn't have to pick a poke at you and you can have the perfect bottom, perfect chest. I think it's a market for that. - I do too. That would be much better than my 30% offer of gym memberships keep going through your life. - You just have to go to the gym. You just put it on, take it off. And then at least like if they're having a feel underneath, it will still feel good rather than just feel like elastic. So it is Valentine's, celebrity couples. So people who are coupling up. So our first couple, well, do you know what? This is a good one. We'll see whether you actually know these people are. Okay, I did know these first two. So you've got Barry Keegan and Sabrina Carpenter. - Heat drinks come out of bathtubs. - I haven't seen it. Have you watched? - Have you not watched Salt Burn? - No, but I feel like I have 'cause everyone goes and I've had it. I'm very happy for Sophie Ellis-Bets that she seems like the only real winner in this. - Oh no, we all win. - Do we? - We all win, especially. We get to see him dancing around in the nude with a very lovely penis. Two birds on the dance floor. - I don't think it does it for me. What I will say is this man stylist has been working over to her. - And Sabrina Carpenter, are you familiar? - I know who Karen Carpenter is, or what? - No relation, exactly. Sabrina Carpenter, she's a bit like, she's kind of like Taylor Swiftie, but maybe like a bit more poppy. She has a big song riding up the charts at the moment called "Fever". She's finally made it into top 40 on Billboard. It is a bop. She murdered his men in the video. She's serving Christina Aguilera 10 years later. - Okay. - No memoir herms in this. - The thing that surprises me most about this is, he's not gay? - No. - Dress like that? - Stylist might be. - Straight man have got to stop tricking us. It's not fair, okay? If you don't want to be seduced by me, don't dress like this. It's like, it's not fair. This is a public bawling outfit message. I cannot be responsible for my actions if you're out here baiting. (laughing) All those. (laughing) - He's dating Sabrina Carperz, he makes me think he might be gay even more. (laughing) Joe Jonas, famous, everyone's fourth favorite Jonas brother. - I only know that one, I think. - No, Nick Jonas, you know Nick Jonas. He's the hot one. - Okay. - I think they're all a go. - There's no one. - I'll pull back on the other one. - Not the other one. - Joe Jonas is hot, but he's not a nice person, is he? He's dating this lady here, Stormy Brie. Whoever she may be. - Stormy Brie. - I don't believe she's a drag queen. She related to angry cheese. - No, she's next week Storm coming in, actually. She'll be making her way through Lancashire and taking trampolines with a Storm Brie. - Like a shit cheese, I like the reference there. - Thank you. She's dating Joe Jonas. Well, good luck to her because he's still going through his divorce with that bird that used to be in the X-Men and maybe what's the one that everyone loved is not the dinosaur's dragons. I can better watch it. Game of Thrones. - Game of Thrones. - She might have been in that. Sophie Turner, that's her name. Anyway, said she was a terrible mum that she was always running off but how he knew that 'cause he was on tour for a year. Who knows? So he's still trying to get custody with his kids. Meanwhile, banging this lady. - If they have a child, can we call the child a bell? Keep you on the cheese, if baby bell. - Oh, I didn't get that for the longest time and it was a very clever joke. - So I apologize, my ignorant. - That's okay. - Do we call a baby bell a cheese or is it merely a plastic? - It's a cheese. - It's in the cheese aisle. You're allowed to eat 12 of them in being cheese. - I saw the other day. This isn't related to this. Sorry, the show this section is very much going off course. - I know someone that's got a non-baby bell, like a huge bell. And apparently that's the size that they used to be, like massive, like the size of an arse, right? And then they were better, more consumable, smaller, so they made them babies. And like, but you can get a big bell. I'm not hurt, like a bell-end. It's true, go to it. - Go to it. - Is it your local saying sprees? Oh, I don't know where you got it from. - It was just the fact that you could get a huge bell. - Oh, I don't know what I'm going to be using. We've got one final couple of, we've got time. Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco. - Who is Benny Blanco? - I think he's a DJ, oh, I don't know, he's not for us. He's not Jerry, you know what I mean? Selena Gomez, I can still get on board with, 'cause she's a Disney girl. She does make the occasional bop. What I love most about Selena Gomez, is she's in that only murders in the building. She's very good. And they keep referring to her constantly as young and hip, but she's over 30. Like, I don't know how she's still playing the young and hip one, but there she is. - They just didn't be, but didn't she? - Oh, she did. - She was very disappointed about that. And the weekend, she stated, "All the bad douches." Another couple, homeos, we've got Troy Savan and Manu Rias. They have been seen groundbreakingly having dinner. And this was a news story. There they are, look at Troy Savan. Didn't he look lovely there with those eyelashes? - That's good to say. - It's a good impression of Selena Gomez. - Well, Attitude magazine, very unkindly, called it Battle of the Twinks, which I'm pretty sure Troy Savan is nearly mid-laged. But, never mind. - It's very dirty, isn't it? - Exactly. When is Twink Deaf? When you look like that, who cares? - Exactly. - They've only actually had dinner. I don't know how my Attitude magazine spun this into a huge story, but maybe they were just surprised that Gaze ate. (laughing) But look at that, they're not even eating. There's just bottles of wine on there. - That's great, Pinwine. - I was gonna say, they're doing that whole necklace flirty thing, though. - Oh, that is very necklace flirty thing. - I like this person here who's doing their, what, what. Shaco dinosaur. - That person's going, I want that bottle of wine. (laughing) I mean, yeah. - They're just having dinner, let them. I don't actually think they're dating. I think they're just bitching about lads. Do you know what I mean? They're sharing details of the many, many cocks they've had. Or not ads. I don't know what, that was, felt slut-shaming. - That's as many cocks as you want, kids. Don't worry about it. - Definitely. Neither of them are eating, though, so. - So it's not, yeah, I know. So, I can't even work out who's bottoming. - Yeah. I mean, that's not the most important thing, isn't it? They can, I don't know, you pick these stories, Mike. I don't know why I'm pretending that these are the things I was interested in this week. These are what you sent me and I read in the gym this morning. And I've, I've formed an opinion about it. I hadn't even seen that picture. 'Cause it wouldn't download. 'Cause it was no signal in Purigin Manchester. So why don't you sort that out, actually? Purigin Manchester, so I'm not there screaming and I can listen to a Hollywood arts album in peace. Is that time? And I've still got 50 seconds. And another thing, Purigin, actually, why are your showers 15 seconds at a time? Like, what are you expecting to happen there? They just timeout after 15 seconds. - 15 seconds, yeah. - Most of my workout actually is saving energy so I can keep slamming that. I have actually improved my flexibility massively 'cause I can have one foot behind me locking up on the thing as I wash so that it doesn't go off. What's the point? You're not saving water. I actually deliberately spend more time using up the water to punish you. Well, thanks a lot, Eric. And in fact, that was the lead for each show business for this week. Screw you, Purigin. Actually, don't because I really like being a member and I want to use all of them so I get a medal. Thanks for that. I'm open for sponsorship opportunities. (laughs) Thanks for that. Stick around 'cause we have apparently a game coming up in our game of the week. (upbeat music) (rock music) Welcome back. You're watching Chewing the Cud. This week we're playing a romantic Uza Kuzu and this one is for our very own love book, Eric. So off you pop. I'm so excited. (rock music) - 10 of a week. (rock music) - So, Aaron's got a kuzu and he's going to sing or kuzu. He's a play kuzu. Some lovely romantic songs for me. - I am. (laughs) - You used a kuzu. (laughs) - I feel like my mid-gentle I use. Okay, right, and these are my songs. (groans) Right, I don't know if we do include these, but the first song is by a man. So, am I not know it? 'Cause I don't, I don't listen to men. (laughs) - It's me, the other. - Probably my love life. I just don't like the male voice. It's why I sound like this. You never know. Prepare my instrument. (laughs) - Okay, I can, sorry, I can do it. (breathes heavily) Oh, hang on. (breathes heavily) - So, so you put the big end in your mouth. - You put the big end? Oh, the big end in your mouth, do you? - And you kind of. - That's what I trace in. - And you kind of. - I prefer to work my way up, to be honest. I find you get much better results. - And you kind of want to hum a little bit into it. - Oh, you don't just blow. - No, you don't just blow. - All right. - There we go. - There we go. (breathes heavily) (laughs) (breathes heavily) (laughs) (laughs) (breathes heavily) (breathes heavily) (breathes heavily) I'm sorry, that last note, though, that was. - Oh, dear me. Do you need any sort of assistance, having a seizure? - No, I am living, I am giving romance. I am giving, this is the wedding song that every basic white bitch has. - Oh, all of me John Legend. - Yes, here we go. (laughs) - So, yeah, let's try another one. - Okay. - Right, this one is, oh God. I've really picked the basic ones. Okay, right, I can do this. - Big end. - Big end. - No, I tried the big end. And then I was told, little end. Do you know what? - It's all rubbish. - What? Okay, hang on, we'll do that one then. This one I know, this one I know, right, okay? (breathes heavily) (breathes heavily) (breathes heavily) (breathes heavily) (breathes heavily) (breathes heavily) (breathes heavily) (music) - Oh my God, it takes so much breath. (laughs) I feel like I'm really doing my breath work here. I feel like the dancing and the movement, I understand Beyonce now. (laughs) - Okay, so I think this is possibly one of the best girl-great groups of the 90s. - No, I'm sorry, it's not. (laughs) I couldn't think of an atomic kitten. I tried to think really quickly of a bam that, yeah. I screwed up that joke myself, I shit on your line. - That's okay, that's perfectly fine. - So I'm gonna, it is the best girl group of the 90s. Banana Rama. (laughs) - It's absolutely, yes. That was Banana Rama walk like an Egyptian, the most romantic song known to man. (laughs) - Venus. - Venus is a romantic song. - Is it? - Yeah. - I thought it was just a shaving commercial. - No, no. - Do you know that Jennifer Lopez actually did a recover, a cover of Venus, four Gillette for a raison? - That's disturbing me. - Yeah. I don't really think J.Lo should be a covers artist. I personally, I always seen Jennifer Lopez' songs at karaoke, because like, I can't hit the notes, but neither can she, so no one will know it's the difference. - I think the only sign I enjoyed of hers was when she duetted with a cool J. - Oh, yeah. Control myself, hang on. (sings) - That one was a freebie. That wasn't even on the list. I'm not saying I'm not going to take up the pursuit full time, but I'm pretty sure music is not the genre for me and now I understand why I became a comedian. - Okay, cool. I forgot another song for you to get through then. - Oh, is you on one more? - I thought a couple more. - Really? - Yeah. - I'm so tired. This is an exhausting game. How does Beyonce do a whole tour? - I don't know. You're the only person I know that does. That's the most people who sit there going. - Do, do, do, do, do. Mate, I'm an all-round performer. - You are giving it 100%. - I will not do the one at the bottom there, because someone has spelt heart wrong. They've spelt with H-A-R-T. And it says, "The heart will go on." And it just sounds like a dodgy '90s sitcom comedy about a couple called The Hearts that are on a long journey. But they've divorced and split up and it's about how they then suddenly start falling in love with each other while they're stuck in the Indian desert. I don't even know if there is a desert in India. I do know that my boyfriend broke up with me while I was in India and it was fucking brutal. Anyway, this one goes out to him. [HUMMING] Oh, that's a tear. [HUMMING] I might as well be bold. [HUMMING] - I like heading on the big notes. - Okay. [HUMMING] - I want to say they don't kind of nothing compares to you. Was that right? - Oh, I didn't know that was a complete segment. - Because you said I want to say-- - I want to say they're kind of nothing compares to you. As if, but you were going to say something else. - That wasn't going to say to that. That's just what I want to say. - Yeah, you should want to say it because that was an identical-- - That was exactly what it is. - Nice. Okay, cool. - Okay, Bruno Mars. I don't know anything by him. I refuse to indulge. Oh, this next one, I do know this. Okay, how does it go? No, I do know it. It's a big hit. I know it. Okay, hang on. Oh! [LAUGHTER] - Do you know what it is? It's one of those ones. Now, all I can think is-- and you'll get this when you get the reference. I can't picture the song. All I can think of is the artist typing a text message into an Excel spreadsheet and wondering why she's not getting this one. - That's fun. - Yeah, I know, but I'm not consuming it. This is a very good one. Okay, okay, go. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] - I've already guessed it, because you told me the text in Excel. - I know. - That's the idea. - In a while to think of a time, like what people don't realize is Kelly Rowland releasing that song and it being so big was such a big moment that Beyonce had to delay the release of her debut album by a year, so it didn't clash with Kelly Rowland because they thought it would affect the sales and that the fans would be split. Like, people always talk about, like, "Kelly, oh, Kelly Rowland's just nothing." But at one point in this world, Kelly Rowland had the power to derail and delay Beyonce, and I just think Kelly Rowland is really the true icon of our time. - That's the dilemma that Beyonce had. - As I said, but the other one wasn't. - Oh, no. Let's put some respect on Paul Michelle's name, right? There was nothing poor about Michelle. She came into a band that were already selling out. She didn't have to do all of the hard work singing in malls and go around shopping centers and signing loads of stuff. She came in when the hits were already there. She didn't have to write them. She didn't have to write any of the late hits. Beyonce did that. She came in. She sang. She wore a little slit up leopard pink dress in the jungle for Survivor. She sang her little heart and she didn't even need to sing the verses. She only ever came in at the bridge. She was absolutely banging. Nothing poor about Michelle. She made money. And on that front, stick around because coming up next we're going to get all up and close with Aaron in spotlight. Welcome back to Chewing the Cud. So we've tested this showbiz knowledge and has blown his instrument without any assistance from anybody. So now let's get into his inner workings as we talk to Aaron in spotlight. So, you're a comedian. Oh yeah, they know that now. All this time you've been suddenly going, "Who is this guy?" "Who is this guy?" Yeah. And you're known for being hilarious on stage. Well, that's very kind of you. I've been to a couple of your gigs. Yes. I'm over many years. I've been going so long over many years. Do you know what? I remember when I started, like, the dream was always to be like, "Do you remember, like, when we were going up, it was all like the hot 30 under 30, hot 30?" And like, I don't know. I always thought, like, you have to make it big, like, really, really quick, otherwise you've completely failed. And now, I am just a relic on the scene. I'm a relic of the comedy industry that goes around, like, a wise and old crook, just with all these new ones around. Oh, you can do it that way. But I don't remember in my day when we used to have a forum where you go to your gigs on a website. Really? Yeah. So much has changed. Like, when I started gigging, you didn't have good comp maps. I don't know where we got to. Like, you know, obviously, I had, we had the internet and stuff. I don't know. People weren't going to have gigging in the 90s. They used to drive around with maps. I don't know where they got to gigs. Okay. I don't know either. But, yeah. So you've been going for, for, let's say, a while. Oh, yeah. I mean, we don't count years, but, you know, I've, I have, I was started when Mariah was still having hits, the burn of Christmas. And she was on the first boobs. What? What? Mariah's not had boobs. Are you telling me that Mariah's not had boobs? I thought she just had a very sturdy bra. She's very, very romantic. Silicone and a surgeon's name. I don't like Mariah. I don't like Mariah. Oh! I will spam Mariah till the day, I don't know. She's given us so much. This is, this is what my comedy falls on, really, is picking women and just refusing to let them go. Okay. Like the sugar babes. The sugar babes? I can't let go. The, the, everyone is mad about the OG three, but I only care about the fine or three. They're like, you know, the five is of a scream movie. I'm like, make sure Heidi and Jade are fed. I don't care too much for a melt, but I'm sure she's fine. I don't know who any of those people are. Why am I on this show? You know, I, I said to myself, Aaron, the audience for you is out there. I don't think they're in this room. I remember the original sugar babes. Yeah. That means you are kind of my audience. Yeah. Well, they're not the original now. They're the back ones, aren't they? They're not. Why are we talking about the sugar babes? I hate to promote myself, Aaron twitching. Yes. It's why I'm terrible at shows like this, because I'm there to be promoting me. And all I do is be like, do you remember Talisa? She was robbed. Well, she was. So, you do a lot of gigs up and down the country. I do. Have you got anything coming up soon? I do. I have a new show. So my new show is going on tour at comedy festivals. And art festivals. It's called Himbo. Because that's what people think I am. I think I'm just this dumb, pretty, handsome, kind, humble person. And I guess it is. I wanted to do a fun show. I think comedy's got very serious. I haven't done like a full-length show since before the pandemic. It's almost like 2019. 19 was us in Edinburgh. It's obviously a lot's happened. And I had written a show about love. Like I'd written a big show about love. Because I love love. Like I love love the way gays love taking a picture of three middle-aged women and being like, that's my favourite line up of the sugar babes. So I'm like, I love it. And I was in love. And I think it's important as well, especially like in the queer community. It's a very gay show. Like, if you're not gay, that's fine. You won't notice. I will. Like, there is a lot of gay. But it's also like it's me being accessible to people. But I think like, especially in the gay community, you don't see a lot of role models of like people in long-term relationships, do you? I think. And especially like if you grew up in the era like we did. And it's particularly the generations that came before us. I think maybe didn't live that long to be able to have those sort of relationships as well. So I wrote this show and then it left me. So I thought I shouldn't do that really. It would be a bit insincere. So you've not done the entire show and gone, oh, by the way. It would have just been a really crazy way to try and win impact. I think there would have been a lawsuit. So like, he's shattered my heart. So I thought, what I'm going to do is just shatter the show. So the show is in pieces. It doesn't sound very organised. But it's like the audience gets to choose their own adventure with it really. So there's like lots of different topics on stage. And then the audience gets to choose which ones we talk. It's kind of different every night and I'm like, it's fun. We're all going to have fun. Yeah, but I'm not allowed to legally say that actually. So it's definitely not a choose your own event. It's definitely not like that. It's a pick your path comedy. Okay, it's a pick your path comedy. Yeah. I'll bleep, that's fine. Yeah, I think I'm pretty sure legally I'm not allowed to say that. Okay, cool. Just like I'm not a legally allowed to talk about Machibwena anymore. No, that's fine. I'm friends with her aunt. That was a really bad name drop. Yeah. That's it. Who's the most celebrity you've got in your phone? I've got Machibwena's aunt. That's Fetho. Yeah. Yeah. But that's what I think I like most about me is that, yeah, I'm low level. But I'm dead, good. And I've been around this industry for ages. I know all of the little secrets. But like at the lowest level, I don't care about the people at the top. I've got other more famous people on my phone, but I'm more excited about Machibwena's aunt. I think it's hilarious. Yes, very much. And you're not just a comedian on stage. You're a wordsmith too. Oh, I've just written a book. You just written a book in the book, mate. I have written as many books in the last year as I've read. I'm very much like Victoria Becker. The only book I've read is My Own. Okay. So, well, I did a podcast a few years ago during the lockdown times. I did a podcast about sort of like queer issues. And I was really excited about it. And we tried to sell it to the BBC, but the BBC didn't want to bloody know. So I thought, screw you BBC. Do it on my own. Like everything. I've got to be a hustler. Okay. So we did the podcast. It was very successful. Got in the top 10 on Apple podcast. Well done. Wedge between Michelle Obama and Nicole Byer. Thank you very much. That was a lovely little threesome. And I really enjoyed, I don't know about you, but I found like when I was growing up, like we both grew up under section 28, where you weren't allowed to talk about gay or homosexual things in school. So we didn't have any education about that. Yeah. And I think we talk about queer culture as like a culture. But like with any other culture, like say you're like Jamaican or you're Jewish. Like that culture is handed down through your family, isn't it? Because that's probably why you're in that. And so you sort of learn about it as you're growing up. It's sort of passed down. We don't normally find our sort of culture families until we're old and we've come out and then that's when you meet like the older people and you make friends and then you share it that way. I just get so difficult because we miss out on so much stuff. And I think I don't know about other people, but I was really embarrassed to ask about things. If you don't understand what section 28 is, you don't understand what stone wall is. So this podcast was all about making that really accessible but keeping it really fun. So it's like talking about these issues and I love a little deep dive. Like I'm dead into gossip and like I want to find out all the little stories about it and also find out how celebrities were involved. So it's sort of social issues made fun and then lots of sugar babes in it. All six of them. All six of them. I actually don't know if that's true. I can't remember. I've made it for awhile. If you write these things, then you part them. Then they go to the editor and then you have to rewrite them. I can't remember what I bloody said to anyone. Cool. I was going to say I don't remember what I have for breakfast but I haven't had breakfast because it shows me going on forever. I'm loving it. I'm having a lovely time. Cool. So when's the book out? The book is out for pre-order now. So you can pre-order the ebook. I hate the publishing world. You can pre-order the ebook now. Woo. That's the bit that we promote. Go and get yours now. It's only $2.99. That's less than the price of a coffee. It's depending where you go. And then the paperback comes out. Get the pre-order from Amazon or best go to my website because Amazon has tried it. This is hilarious. My name is Twitchen. It's like Kitchen with a TW, right? Not like Bitchen ING. So TWI TCH EN. You put that into Amazon and they're like, "Nah, I think you got that wrong." They autocorrected it to ING. Okay. So I wouldn't try and Google it. So you can get it from my website. Very humbly titled. It's www.ilavaren.co.uk. Never.com. I don't want to go global. Yeah. And you can order it. And then the paperback is out May 5th, just in time for Pride Month. Nice. I was thinking of releasing in Pride Month. Then I thought Crowded Market. So I'm doing what Victoria Beckham did with her solo singles and just leaking it in that last week of January, when no one's selling. And then just trying to get it then when there's no competition. And if people want to see you on stage, where are you going to be? I am all over the country. I'm definitely in Brighton. I'm at Brighton Festival. I'm a Cambridge Festival. I'm in Glasgow. And then there's lots of other dates. And you can find all of them, would you believe, at my website, www.ilavaren.co.uk. Perfect. Well, thank you very much. Thank you. And I'm sure that we'll be hitting up your website quite soon for some pre-orders. Yes, please do. Because I checked the pre-order sales yesterday and they are at zero. But I think that's because Amazon doesn't update. But it was a depressing moment. Because I knew I'd bought it. So I was like, I think it's 40. It's 40. Well, no, that's the problem with me. Look, I can only buy one, can I? I can't wait for the published income. I don't know why I'm buying them. I've got them. I wrote them. I'm not going to read it. Cool. Thank you very much. That's almost the end of the show. Just remember to join us on our social media @thecudtv. Thank you for watching. And we'll see you all soon. Bye. Bye. Bye. [MUSIC PLAYING]