The Trev and Ben Podcast
241: The Trev And Ben Podcast Episode 241
(upbeat music) - Hello, and welcome to another Trev and Ben podcast. Hello, Ben. - Hello, Trev, how are you? - I'm right, how are you, how's your week? - It's been okay. I'm not gonna lie. Mrs. Ben is slightly getting on my nerves this week, but that's okay, I've lived through worse. - What are we, what are we, stepped into here? This isn't a marriage guidance podcast. - No, it's just, you know how you get, when you've been with someone for a long time, much like you and me have been together for a long time, it's the little things people do. - The little things. - Which, yeah, which can rub you up the wrong way a little bit. And this week, Mrs. Ben has lost, not the lead, but the plug to charge her iPhone. - Oh, okay. And this has now become my issue, because I have to hear about it. - Yeah. - She won't just order a new plug or look for the lost plug. She just keeps complaining about it and it's starting to do my head in and the worst. - We can't be far away, that's a good line to always throw in, isn't it? It can't be far away. - Yeah, I mean, she could look for it, but instead she's come up with an alternate solution, which I find equally infuriating. (laughing) We have a little sort of bedside table lamp. - Yeah. - And on this lamp, it's got a little USB socket. - Okay. - So, rather than find the missing plug socket that she needs to charge her phone, she's now resorted to carrying a lamp around the house in a three different room, so she can keep her phone fully charged. It's like living with Florence Nightingale. It's doing my head in. - But the lamp surely isn't going to charge it as quickly as an official iPhone charges. How long is it taking to charge the phone? - Hour and lamp hours, oh, the thoughts though, yeah. (laughing) - Wow. - But it's one of those things that you just have to kind of let slide, but it is annoying me. And I'm hot, the weather's picking up again, so I'm extra irresistible. So, yes, that's what's annoying me this week. - Couldn't you do a sort of nice romantic husbandly gesture of just buying her the new plug? Because it seems to me as if you've taken a bloody-minded stance here, and it's not-- - Oh, it's not my fault. - Well, because I think the carrying of a lamp is basically a cry for help. (laughing) And you're not answering the call. And you're supposed to as a loving husband. You're supposed to say, don't worry me, she's better. Leave it to me. I will go to the shop and bring forth a new plug for you. - I tell you why. It's because-- - This is like the old hunter-gatherer in you should be really coming to the fore here. - It's because she is a grown-up. She has access to an Amazon account, and she has more than two pounds in her bank account, which she can use to buy a replacement plug. This is not something that is a husbandry requirement that I have to solve. Solve it yourself. - I don't, well, I'm just thinking back to the wedding vows. Was that your wedding? I witnessed the whole thing. I'm just trying to think what you promised. - It was better for Pora, for Richard, for all that shit. There was nothing about plugs in there, as far as I can recall. - I think that's covered in better or worse. I think that's covered. I think you look at the small print under better or worse plugs are in there. That's in the small print. So I want to, by this time next week, I want to hear that you've bought a new plug. I'm tempted to just order a one. - Please do. - Do you want me to save me a fucking headache? - Wow. I mean, what little things, I'd love to have a little chat with her. Maybe one week I'll do the podcast with her, I'd like to get the inside the little things you do that annoy her. Would that be one episode be enough? - Probably not. No, it'd be hours long, I imagine. - The Trev and Richard's been podcast. I think that would be a nice thing to do for a change. - The other annoying thing about this particular lamp is that it's not one that you just click on and click off. It's very touch sensitive. - Right. - So if you just accidentally knock it, it can just come on and then there's an unexpected light in the room. And honestly, it's like living in an asylum with someone just walking around with their lamp in tow, looking to plug it in somewhere. It's doing my head in. Disproportionally, the world has much bigger problems at the moment, but at present, someone walking around the house with a lamp is really testing locations. - Proper first world problem this, mate. Proper first world. As I say, the solution is simple. Buy the plug, you know, it's... Orlando, your plug, you've got an iPhone. - Ah, no, we've been down this road as well. My iPhone is slightly newer than her iPhone, so either USB-C charger, which doesn't fit her phone. So no, and also, on principle, even if mine was the same, that's my one, which I haven't lost. - I know. - You have lost your one. - I know this is possibly one of the dullest aspects of conversations, but I do have this conversation a lot with people. Don't you find the whole USB-A-B-C thing, the biggest pain in the arse that technology has delivered to us over the last few years? - The day I lost faith in technology was when an Apple, for no reason, other than to fleece. I don't know if you know what I'm saying, it's lifeless. (laughing) Let's delete that, let's not say fleece, to make some money, shall we say. They removed the headphone jack from an iPhone, so that you now can't plug in your headphones, you have to buy these very expensive AirPod things. And just give me my audio jack back, that's what I want, give me my socket back. - It's not much to ask 'cause it's really not much to ask. I've had quite an exciting week, Ben, I was on a ship the other day. - Oh, boy, you were on a ship? - How was I on a ship? - Where were you saying sail to? - Well, the ship I was on, doesn't actually sail anywhere. - No, that's a useful ship. - But you have to get on a little boat to get out to the ship first, so you do travel on the seas. (laughing) I say on the seas, it's the Blackwater history, and you go on a little fishing boat for about 20 minutes, then you have to climb and board the ship. I went on board the Ross Revenge, which has been the home of Radio Caroline for the last, I don't know what it is, 30 or 30 years or whatever. But the guy who was showing us around, I got chatting to him after the tour, I was just having a chat with him, and we got on to talking about computers. It is just one of those things at the moment that I ended up talking to people about, and he would say that he's really struggling to get the play out system they used to play on their music and all that sort of stuff to work, the version they've got only works on Windows 7. - Windows 7? - Yeah. But this is the thing that annoys me. Why is it that when they go to the next Windows or whatever, why can't they just make everything always work? Why does it go well, I tell you what, we're gonna stop that working on anything else from now on. And I think it's because it's part of the massive scam and the con that is the IT world, because they got you over a barrel, because you need it all now to do anything, you've gotta have a computer, really. And so they just go, well, I tell you what, I think you've had that long enough, and we now need to milk you for some more money, so we're gonna not support that anymore, so you're gonna have to upgrade, and then it's just more money. And I tell you what, when, I'm not gonna name any names, 'cause again, I don't want to get into any libelous situations here, but when the big wigs of the computer world got going all those years ago, do you think they sat down and went, oh, what a cash cow we're on now? And we'll just make this the case that every, let's say every four to five years, someone's gonna have to spend quite a lot of money just to get the basic things working again. And I just think what a con it all is. And when I worked in the scores, the IT technician, which meant just turning things on and off again and shouting at things until they sort it out. (laughs) But I saw this, I saw this whole money-making machine 'cause we try to get the school a bit more up to date, it then becomes a case of, well, you can't just buy something there, you've got to subscribe so it's a constant flow of money into the IT companies. - I agree. - What a gravy train to be on. Like, perhaps I should have studied computers more. I think I'll be a rich man now. If you just come up with a bit of software that someone needs, and every two years go, well, you've got to upgrade now. That's another thousand pounds, please. Or pay me 40 quid a month just to keep going. You know, what a scam it all is. - I recently dug out my old iPad, and I've got great affection for this iPad because it was the very same iPad that maybe 10 years ago, I don't know that's old, but we would go and do our hospital radio show or our community, Croydon radio show, all gratis, by the way, all three. We're great community volunteers, aren't we, Truff? - Oh, I'm amazed we haven't got an OBE yet. - It's in the post, I've been assured. - Services for the community. - And we were going to the pub after a semi-successful show, and we used to like nothing more than having a little pie in the beer and a little go on the chase, your favorite TV show, The Chase. - Yes. - Yeah, and I dug out the iPad recently, just thought I'll blow the dust off and see if I can brew up a game or have a bit of fun with it. And like you say, nothing's compatible anymore. - Of course not. - Everything needs an update. Everything won't let you update because this is too old. - Too old. - So what I've now got is a glorified paperweight. - Yeah, or a mirror is basically what you got. (laughing) Now, 'cause I mean, that's the other thing you've now got to buy a new iPad and they're about 1,000 pounds to get in. - Yeah, they're not cheap. - So, you know, again, over a barrel, mate, they've got you by the shortened curdies. I mean, you might as well just hand over your testicles to Apple when you buy something. 'Cause here they are, lock a bit of cupboard and charge me a grand every month for it. - Now, as much as those memories, I hold very dearly and fondly. I'm not about to shell out a grand just so I can play the chase with you in a pub. I'm sorry, mate. - Yeah, fair enough, fair enough. Which, I think we should go back to old fashioned things. Like next time we go to the pub, what we'll do is I'll say to you, right, we're gonna meet for a drink, Ben. We can't do the chase up because your iPad's knackered. - Well, iPad's a brick, that's what's happening, yeah. - So come prepared with 15 questions and I'll come with 15 and we'll just do it on good old fashioned pen and paper. Do it that way. - Okay. - I sort of feel there's merit to go. I mean, there's no way we can go back now, but I sort of wish we could, being on the radio caroline ship. And they've obviously got a slightly more up-to-date studio that they broadcast from now. But there was the setup that was sort of what they use back in the '60s. Very basic, but very sturdy kit, you know. And you sort of think, yeah, that would be, you've got enough, all right, mechanically things can go wrong, but they were repairable. Might be expensive, but repairable. But you know, there's nothing that can crash. There's nothing that can, there's nothing that has to be upgraded software-wise. You know, just, oh, there's a sturdy tape machine. You know, I sort of, I did have this image being on there thinking, oh, that must have been amazing not to have to worry about a computer crashing. - I mean, yeah, I mean, like you say, with all the advancements of technology and supposedly getting better, the previous radio station we were working for, I mean, most of the time it was a 50/50 shot whether or not we'd get there and we were on air or not. - Oh, absolutely. - This is the problem, particularly as we were then, like new startup radio stations, often the technology takes a long time for them to get it right. So I've worked at a couple of stations early on and they've just been an absolute nightmare because either they've cut corners on cost and gone for cheap options or they just haven't worked out properly before launching and then you just have all that head on earth of things going wrong. And as you say, I mean, we've worked at a couple of places, one place in particular where it was new and every day it was like, well, when it worked today, we'll find out, we'll find out. - Not only that, not only that, but do you remember, when we were so excited for the launch day, when we went live for the first time ever, you that you open the microphones, you said the opening link and then you went to play the first song and nothing happened. The first button you ever pushed on our radio station failed. If that isn't foreshadowing, I don't know what is. - I know. I mean, what was great being on a ship where there's a radio station? I mean, by the way, I'm amazed this ship is actually still afloat. I mean, it doesn't go anywhere. It doesn't actually work this ship. They'd like to get the engines working again at some point. It's an old fishing trawler. It's an old, it's the most successful fishing trawler I think in history, I think they said, but it needs a lot of work on it. I mean, you turned up. - I don't know, sorry. - One second, one second. - Yeah. - Don't other fishing trawlers move. - Well, it's not a fishing trawler anymore, is it? It was a fishing trawler. - Well, I've been, I would argue, by default, a moving fishing trawler is more successful than a stationary fishing trawler. - Well, I mean, it did move when it was a trawler. Obviously, it moved then. They also think it may have been used for spying purposes, apparently. There was always a Royal Naval Officer on board and no one's ever told them why. But once when it was taken out of the water, there was all kinds of antennae on the bottom of the ship. So I think it was, it was up in the Arctic Circle and I think it was basically spying on Russian submarines. - I can sympathize with that. You know, we worked at a radio station. There were plenty of people there. We thought, why the fuck are you here? You haven't been just being here either. - It was a great place to go. And you've got to be quite agile. There's lots of sort of the steel ladders to go up and down. You've got to get from one boat to the other. It's only a couple of steps up a ladder. But I must admit, I was a bit nervous about that because I'm so clumsy and I have no very little coordination. I thought, I'm going in the sea, I forget, but it was fine. I got a cross, it wasn't a problem. - And where is it based? I'm interested to know, where is this place? - It's down off the Essex Coast, the Blackwater Estuary, which I think rolls into the Thames. I think it's all part becomes part of the Thames Estuary, I think. So you have to go in this little fishing boat that goes out and then you have to climb on board the main ship and then you get the tour. And the guy who did the tour, he's been involved for years. He's incredibly enthusiastic. And I must admit, being a bit of a radio anorac, I did quite enjoy all the radio stuff. But it was quite interesting learning about the history of the ship and all the things it's been through. - Well, it must be one of the most interesting radio stations to visit in the country, surely. I mean, ours was fairly boring. It was just a building with some microphones in it, but a ship where you've got to climb up ladders and it might sink at any moment, this sounds amazing. - It was a great thing to do. I really enjoyed it. It was sort of one of those days. That's a day I'll remember for a very long time. It's nice to go and just do something. And obviously with the slightly radio anorac on, I enjoyed that bit, but just the whole adventure of getting out on the, you know, as I say, the slight anxiety about when I fall in the Black Wall's Restery, when I get out of this without injury. Although I did hurt my back, I think climbing up and down these ladders, I was walking back to the car afterwards and my back started killing me. And I was like, oh God, I've actually injured myself. I've been injured at sea. I've almost like Nelson. And imagine there being a statue erected in my order in Trafalgar Square, wasn't it? - Now, but the slight elephant in the room is, where was my invitation to this? I'd have quite liked to have gone with you to this. You've been trying to shake me off for years though, and it's becoming more and more transparent. - Well, I thought the only way I can get rid of you is to fucking go to sea. (laughing) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - Now Ben, what is perhaps the biggest unanswered question of our existence? - Where's my wife's phone charger? (laughing) - By the way, just, I don't think I asked this question. Sorry to go back to this. Have you tried looking for it? - Fuck no. It's not my problem. - You don't pay any attention to this plug, and you're pissing the road about it, don't stop. - It's, honestly, everyone has their own shit to deal with in life, and I love my wife very much, but this is definitely something I categorize as her problem. (laughing) - I'm so cold. - I'm assuming that wasn't the answer you were looking for. - No, no, I mean, it's a big question, I'm crying. (laughing) As of this moment, it's a big unanswered question. Where is that plug? But it can't be far away is what I'm saying again. But no, there is a bigger, I'd ask a question of our existence that needs to be answered. - Who keeps commissioning reboots of the series Dexter? (laughing) I have no idea. What are the big questions in life? - Well, obviously, I mean, one of the big ones is are we alone in the universe? You know, we don't know that, do we? That's the last question. - Have the American government pretty much openly admitted that there are at least evidence of, what do they call them now? They're not UFOs, they're UAPs, unidentified aerial phenomenon. - Yeah, yeah, that's not proof of non-manama now. But that's not proof of (laughing) that's not proof of life outside of Earth yet is yet. I mean, they're just unexplained aerial phenomenon. - So I suppose the biggest question would then have to be what happens after you die? - Bingo. - I'm not saying bingo, 'cause that would be an intense adult. (laughing) It turned into a wooden net. - God. - I imagine if that was it, you die, you get to the police gates, you're giving a dobber. (laughing) And a room full of rabid old women. - Two fat ladies? - I hate you, it's God, you've been terrible. - Do you think God would be the caller? (laughing) Do you think he'd have better sort of phrases, you know, like different numbers? You know, 'cause the numbers, 'cause it's eternal, the numbers would be infinite. You know, the beast 666. - Oh God, you'd be playing for hours if there was that many numbers on the card. - Well, it's eternal mate, it's endless bingo. - This sounds more like hell than heaven, an eternal game of bingo. - It depends on where you're from, doesn't it? Some people enjoy the bingo thing, and I don't know, I've never done bingo. I often think if I was to go, would you catch the bug with the bingo bug take hold in every Wednesday or whatever it is? You'd be popped down the local bingo. I'm not even sure whether there's a bingo hall. They used to be one just down the road for me, but that went a long time ago. I wouldn't even know where to go to play bingo. - I have played bingo, and it is as boring as it sounds, and I can assure you, it's full of octogenarians who all hate each other. (laughing) - But I wasn't amazed, I was talking to someone recently about this, he said that they're quite amazing, 'cause they can have like three or four cards on the go, and they're very good at it, very quick at using their dobers, and it keeps the brain sharp, doesn't it? Imagine if you were in your 80s, rather than sitting at home and letting it all go to waste, get out to bingo, keep the brain active. - It's better than nothing, I suppose, but if that's what's waiting for me in the afterlife, I'll pass, thank you. - Well, I don't think it is bingo, I mean, unless that's your idea of heaven, maybe it is, but I think we're a step nearer to knowing about the afterlife, and this is thanks to a spiritual guide, a guy called Keith Cranks. - So this is nothing to do with the asparomancer, this is not a prediction. - No, this is a spiritual guide, Keith, I'm imagining he's a little bit like Yodericacora-type fella. - He's been only quiet, hasn't he, Derekacora? - Well, I mean, he's dead. - No, I understand that, but for someone, you'd have thought if anyone could come out of a chat with us from beyond the grave, it might be Derekacora, but he's been oddly quiet, hasn't he? - Well, he might have done, it's not been televised is what I'm saying, you know, there's not been, do you remember he did the Michael Jackson special? - Yeah. - Do you remember that, when he had like a Michael Jackson impersonator, I think a megafad, and I don't know who else, and he had like a hat that I think might have been Michael Jackson's, I can't quite remember, and I thought it was incredible that within about two minutes he went, I've got him, he's got him, got Michael, got Michael here, I can't remember whether he did the voice, I don't think he did, he should have done. - He's coming to us from the world of spinnings, which by the way, sounds like an off-life sense. - But anyway, don't take this seriously, mate, this is not a frivolous thing, this is one of the biggest, you know, mysteries of our existence being unraveled before your very ears. - Okay, so what do you man got to say? - Well, he says, we go through seven steps once the end comes. So I thought we'd go through the seven steps and just so we can prepare, just so we know, let's take the mystery out, let's take the fear of it out, you know, it's a very fearful thing, isn't it? We all find fear. - I can die peacefully if I know what's gonna happen. So what's the first step of your death? - Okay, the first step is obviously when your time comes, when the Grim Reaper appears to you, the soul will leave your body and will sometimes hover over the scene of your deathbed or the last place you are. And apparently a lot of people will try to talk to the people around them, sort of like in the, let's say in the hospital room. I guess it's a bit of panic, 'cause he says people say, hey, I'm still alive, I'm still alive, which he says is actually true because the soul never does. But obviously they can't hear you at that point because you are just a spirit in the sky. - Just screaming into the abyss. (laughing) So anyway, that's the first step. Your soul leaves the body and your hover for a little while. Now, I don't have long you hover for, he hasn't given us a specific, I still hope you hover for quite a while. And I don't really, when you hover, 'cause I mean, hovering just suggests, like staying in one position. But I'd like to think you could float around a little bit, just to sort of have a little float round, see what else is going on. - Yeah, I mean, why not? But I mean, you only get one opportunity to have a little hover, so why don't we do most of it? - The second phase that involves your soul getting sucked up into a tunnel towards the light. - Right. - The way I'm seeing this unfolding so far is on a sort of spiritual realm, you've become almost like a little bit of litter, and now you're gonna be dicened up. - It's funny you say that, I was thinking it sounds like emptying a hoover bag. - Yeah, yeah, essentially what it is, it's like the spirit guide might come along, oh god, he's just hovering about, he just, yeah, get the dicing, John, get the dicing. (laughing) - It's like another one. - It's stage three. - Stage three. - Well, you might be met by a guide at this point, that might be a relative who's gone before, but it could be a spirit guide. And often the spirit guide, like with Derek Okora, it's often a native sort of American, isn't it? It's sort of some chief of some native American tribe is becoming a, I think Derek Okora's was Sam there, wasn't it, was it Sam? - Oh, that sounds familiar, yeah. - He Sam, he Sam, tell me, guide me Sam, guide. - And so, maybe if you, give me a thought if you had a spirit guide, who it would be. - I hope it's Derek Okora. (laughing) - I'd like mine to be like Brucey. (laughing) 'Cause I'd like to think if there's a spirit guide to take me into the next life, it would be like a show beast thing, and maybe you got to go through like a generation game, sort of convey about competition, to get, maybe the Purdy Gates, or like the doors on the convey about. And there's just a, any listeners at home, just start, just look at your watch now, start the countdown, we're on the way. It's gonna happen only second, carry on, Trevor. - Nice, see you. (laughing) There'd be a whole, maybe on the convey about, it is sort of the memories of your life. You know, they say your life flashes before your very eyes. - Yes. - Maybe that's the convey about. So my convey about Brucey, Brucey, we go. (humming) Radio, Caroline, boat. (humming) Podcasts, we've been. - Did you well? - Did you, Cuddly Toy. I never had a Cuddly Toy, Bruce. There's always a Cuddly Toy in the fucking belt, you dick. - So, he's got more blue, since he's got the alphabet, right? (laughing) - He doesn't care about being canceled anymore, he's dancing, he could be as blue as he likes. - As it is. - I heard a slightly distressing thing about, you know, when they say your life flashes before your eyes. - Yeah. - Now, obviously, I've got zero proof to back any of this up, because how the fuck would I know? - Really? - Yeah. (laughing) But I heard someone sort of say, the reason your life flashes before your eyes, before you die, is because the body is in some sort of crisis mode, and it's desperately trying to find a solution to what might keep you alive or save you. So, it's flashing back through every experience you've ever had in your life, thinking, how do we survive this, how do we survive this? And of course, you've got to die, so there is no answer. But that's why people, apparently, have their life flash before their eyes, because it's the brain frantically searching for a solution as to how to stop the impending death. Isn't that a terrifying thought? - Well. - Complete bollocks, but terrifying. - Although, having said that, I mean, there is some logic to that, isn't it? 'Cause the will to survive is just part of existing, isn't it? So maybe it is your brain sort of going-- - Are you about tossing your eye with a tiger? (laughing) - I've got the rights to it. I can't, I would, I would, if we could. But, no, I think there is probably, there might be something in there. I don't know, I don't know. But it's an interesting theory. I quite like the idea of that, that you. And particularly, like I watch that saving lives at sea, right? And often they, when they talk to someone who's been saved at sea, they were on board the radio camera. - That's the radio camera, isn't it? (laughing) - The live boats come along and they take it about the water, they say their life. And often they go, you know, and I've heard a couple of them say, well, you know, that thing about your life flashing before your eyes, that was happening. And maybe, because they were in a life of death situation, in the sea, and drowning is moments away, maybe is the brain going, what have we done that's like this? And all you've got is jumping in a fucking swimming pool, your pajamas, that's all it's got to call upon. It's no use to you whatsoever. Bruce is going, where's that good, you mean? You didn't have it all substantial than that, because it's valid, that's the way he's with you, at that point. (laughing) - No, I like. - I like to think he's everywhere, I like to think. - I really hope that your spirit guide to the next sentient place, or wherever you're heading, is not only Bruce Forsyth, but Blue, Bruce Forsyth, or Blue Forsyth, as we keep now calling him. Which is just Bruce eating a bit of a swear on him. - Yeah, 'cause he doesn't care anymore, he's not gonna be canceled. And you go up to him and go, "Oh, what do you make of all the strictly scandals?" He's fucking awful, isn't he? (laughing) - Well, we're gonna have to reserve the character of Blue Forsyth, we're gonna have to use that in something, 'cause it's a fucking dream. (laughing) - Right, so anyway, when you've been met by your spirit guide, as I say, it could be someone you know, it could be somebody who's gone before that will greet you, and hold your hand as you move into the next one. And apparently the whole process is, it fills you with undescribable love, bliss, and ecstasy. - Oh, that's good. - So, I mean, that's a good thing, isn't it? So, there's nothing to be scared of if, you know, once you're up there, it's just pure joy, and presumably if Bruce is there, it's joy and ecstasy all the time anyway. - Of course. - The next phase is you get to have a family reunion. So, even if you haven't been met by someone you know, you'll be led to have a family reunion. I think in most cases, that's gonna be a lovely thing. But what if you didn't want a family? - I was gonna say, I mean, I very much love all my family, a family reunion for me would be lovely, but I'm sure there are some people who, the idea of a family reunion in the afterlife would be fucking terrible. - I would hope you'd have like a choice on that. That that wouldn't be enforced upon you shortly. - Yeah, and I'd hope it's like a opt-out agreement. - Yeah. - Now, stage four, that's for healing. I hope you're taking all this in, 'cause this is all genuinely true. - Oh, I'm making notes here. - Stage four is for healing. It's like a resting rejuvenation station that helps you recover from the difficult life on earth. Now, again, it doesn't say what that means. I mean, is it like a spa? Is it like a, or is it like a warm down after, like I've been watching a lot of the Olympics, you know, like after the cycling and the Velodrome, they have to get on a little exercise bike to warm down. Is it that? Have I got to do a bit of warming down? - Yeah, I mean, it sounds like a sort of intro into the afterlife, sort of warm-up phase. Yeah, although you'd wonder why that was necessary. - Well, no, because you've had a difficult life on earth. It's life on earth is bloody difficult, isn't it? So rather than getting to the next thing, which, you know, there are a couple more steps to go, you might need to just have a bit of time. It's like, oh man, just let me chill from it. I'd like to think that whatever you choose for your rejuvenation station, welcome to your rejuvenation station. (laughing) That you could choose what you want. - You forgot the swearing drive, you forgot the swearing. - Welcome to the fucking rejuvenation station. I'd like to think you could just choose what you want, and I'd like to be either backed by the sea, or by a river bank, just chilling out. You know, I've had my family reunion, that's been lovely, but I'd like to just be on my own for a little while, bit of peace and quiet. I'm assuming there'd be spirits of birds there to sing. There'd still be the spirits of fish in the spiritual river. - Yeah, so it's a gentle transition into the afterlife. - Yeah, 'cause the coordinate rejuvenation station makes it sound like a pit stop. (laughing) Like you're stopping motorway services, and I'd hope it's gonna be better than that. You know, I don't want to sort of be in a happy eater. (laughing) So rejuvenate after my difficult life. - So how many stages are left? - Well, we're on stage five. Stage five. - Okay, maybe there. - Nearly in heaven. - Stage five is the life review. This is where you get to look back without any judgement. So maybe this is where the conveyor belt comes in, but you do, you get to look back on everything you've done without any judgement. This happens in a matter of minutes. You see every experience that you've ever had, how you've impacted people, how your actions affected other people from their point of view, how they felt, but it's all done without any judgement. And most importantly, no punishments. No one's, there's not this, there's not this, you know, deity deciding that you're gonna go to hell. There's no punishment. There's no, I like that thing. I don't believe in the whole heaven, hell, bollocks. But you know, there's the idea that someone just goes, "Oh, I need to have a look." But just, yeah, that wasn't great, was it? That wasn't good. - I like this idea, but it's given me traumatic flashbacks to something that used to happen to me as a child. Because whilst you're explaining it as a nice concept, this used to be something that my mother would use to, essentially emotionally blackmail me with as a little boy. - Okay. - If ever she thought I was being deceitful or I was hiding something, which often I was, she used to threaten me with this concept. It'll be on God's videotape. As if to say, one day, we'll be able to watch this back and I'll know if you're lying, which would then make me feel terribly guilty and spill the beans as to what I've been up to. Also, largely probably why I'm an atheist now. - I mean, the good thing for your point of view is that by the time you get up there, I doubt God's gonna have a VHS machine. (laughing) - He won't be compatible. - Unless he's digitized everything. (laughing) - If you're looking for a USB-C plug something. - Yeah. Okay, now how do I convert videotape to fucking, oh, it'll be calling some Peter. Pete, Pete, have you got the cable? Have you got it? Have you got the VGA to USB-C? (laughing) Peter's gonna ride it, but Mrs. Ben's lost it. I don't know where. - Just got a lamp. Oh, it's fine. - You got a lamp. I'll give you a lamp. And that's just like fucking ages. I'm processing billions of people here. Oh, by the way, I should have, I should have mentioned was I said there was no deity overseeing the replay of your life. Bear in mind, there's no judgment or punishment, but this does all take place before the Council of Elders who described as like church. I don't like the idea of regular church or this, but they're like church like Elders dressed in robes. - Right, okay. This sounds terrifying. - If there's no judgment or punishment, what is the point of them being there? Are they just pressing play on the machine? There's just a bunch of people addressing gowns to press play. And imagine we all know how bad the Councils have run, even in the afterlife. You know it'd be a badly run fucking affair with you, the Council of Elders. We've all been on committees, whereas that's like a Council of Elders, and you're just constantly moaning about stuff. - Yeah, just bickering, backstabbing and bitching. - Right, stage six. This is where you know if you're dying and you're kind of exhausting at the moment. - You've just said you're a rejuvenation station, you should be ready for the next one. This is the new life selection. This is where you figure out what lessons you need to learn in your next life so you can evolve as a soul. - So this isn't reincarnation as such. - I think, the thing is, I think what Keith is talking about is reincarnation. I think he is talking about coming back. - I'm losing faith in this process, but what's the final stage? Are we at the final stage here? - I'm assuming again, that's where Blue Brucci was coming. And he just says, "When you go back for a healthy life, "just dance, just fucking dance like you've never danced "before, dance your fucking feet forward off." (laughing) - Not only do I like Blue Brucci, but I like the sort of intermittent muttering. - Well, that's what he does. - That's what we've always did. (laughing) - That's what the impressionists do. I don't know if he ever actually did that. (laughing) Right, the final stage, stage seven, is preparation for rebirth, where you take part in a recognition class to prepare for scenes that will happen in your life to come. If you're ready to go down, and apparently you go back down the same tunnel. - Hang on a minute, I've just come up the tunnel. I'm gonna go back down. - Well, I'm assuming you're being blown down rather than sucked on this occasion. They put the dice in reverse. You shove down into a new mother, into the womb for your next life, and he'd do it all over again. - Yeah, he almost sounds like a slut of made up old toast, isn't he, right? (laughing) (upbeat music) - Trev, I wanted to end on a slightly sad, but celebrate three notes. - Okay. - I was very sad this week to see one of my heroes, and maybe that's quite high-fallowing, but he really was one of my heroes. Jack Colson sadly passed away at the age of 82 years old. - Well, he'll be, he'll build his journey, now only going through all those phases. - He will be. - Maybe he's at the phase where he's looking back on his life, and he's looking back at that moment, 'cause I know exactly who you're talking about, and it was sad to hear of his demise. It was, for those who aren't aware, Jack Colson is Mr. Democracy Manifest. He is a living legend in my brain. Nothing gives me more pleasure than this. He is the king of all internet memes, and he will never be replaced. Although, I should say he's an Australian, and the Australians this week in the Olympics have tried very hard to come up with a brand new meme if you've seen the breakdancing. - I didn't rewatch, I saw a little clip of the breakdancing, but no, I've not watched much of the breakdancing, 'cause I think that's just last week. I love the Olympics, but I don't really see that as a sport. - Well, if you've watched the Australian effort, I think you'll compound that completely. - Okay. - So he's sadly passed away, and I just wanted to remember him and mention him. - Well, for people who don't know who he is, just let's explain how he became famous. What happened? What happened was he was wanted on charges of credit card fraud. - Oh, what he? I mean, that's the big question though, isn't it? - There was a lot of misconceptions about this man. There was years went by when people thought he was a Hungarian chess grandmaster who was, he's got so many aliases, so many different names, but he was actually wanted. I've been really looking this up for credit card fraud charges, and he was intercepted at a Chinese restaurant in Australia, and the police were trying to wrestle him out of the restaurant into their squad car. So just imagine, as you listen to this, this is the police trying to wrestle him into the car, and he came up with this monologue. - Yes, man, would you just assured me that I could speak? - Sit down and saw the car. We're not assuring anything, we're under arrest. - Commander, what? - Gentlemen, this is democracy manifest. Have a look at the headlock here. See that chap over there, he got your hand off my penis. This is the bike who got me on the penis, people. - Oh, get some caps. - Why did you do this? - Because I'm in the hands of caps. - But what's reason? - What is the charge? - Eating a meode, a succulent Chinese meode. - Oh, that's a nice headlock, sir. Oh, yes, I see that you know your judo well. (laughing) - Oh, what? - And you, sir, are you waiting to receive my limp penis? - Oh, yeah, get your hand off again. (speaking in foreign language) - I mean, it's, to every time I hear that. If you can see it, if you can watch the video as well, that's another bonus for you. - Oh, the audio is great, but it doesn't do it justice. Please, after you've finished listening to this, seek out the video, it is fucking fantastic. - It's just delivery that I love. 'Cause it's not like a, like we've seen a lot of angry people on the streets of the last couple of weeks. And when they're being arrested, it's a torrent of abuse and anger. And he's clearly angry, but it's that it's, he's delivering is very, it's still quite genial. I mean, he's calling them, sir, isn't he? - Yeah. - Right, and he's language, a Chinese meal, a succulent Chinese meal. - He is incredible. And I'm very sad that he's passed away this week, but what a legacy to leave behind. He is an absolute living legend. I hope someday, if he's passed through the seven stages to get to heaven, I hope some way he's up there finally enjoying a succulent Chinese meal. (laughing) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - Well, there we are. That's it for the Chiv and Ben podcast. Before we go, as always, a couple of recommendations for you, you've got anything this week for us to listen to or watch Ben. - One thing I have been watching quite a lot of is, and this isn't, I need to be clear. This isn't me encouraging it or anything like that for very stringent legal reasons. But a lot of footage from the recent rioting and things that have been going on across the country have been very well covered by a channel on YouTube called DJE Media. - Okay. - He has been completely impartial. He just goes there, films, what's going on. He's not taking this side either way. He's just observing, filming, and reporting. And there are hours worth of footage on there. So if you're interested in wanting to see what's going on at these places, but with the safety of your own armchair, then that would be the channel I recommend. DJE Media on YouTube. - Okay. I must admit, last week I was raging about the riots, I was like, you know, it was, I was absolutely apoplectic with rage about what people were doing. - Yes you were. - What I would say is what you've seen in the last week of volunteers going out to clean up after these morons have done whatever they've done. Communities coming together, I think one of the mosques that was attacked, they had an evening of bringing people together. They even had people that were on the protest, not necessarily being violent, but on the protest, inviting them in for a barbecue, teas, coffees, having chats with them. And I do feel that some good has come out of the darkness. I mean, there's still a long way to go to stop this sort of nonsense, but he sort of, your heart does sort of jump a little bit. He's like, oh, there is some hope. There is some good that can come from these things. - Yeah, I mean, that's all you could hope for is that, I mean, because it's a bit of a catch 22, isn't it? Because at the end of the day, some people might have been brought closer together with their community than they would have been otherwise, but it took a riot to, yeah. It's a bit of a catch 22, that one. - Yeah, but you just think, well, there is some hope. There is some hope. (laughing) - That's a thing onto it. - What I'm gonna recommend is an episode of the Richard Herring Lesser Square Theater podcast, which-- - Yeah, it has to poage, it's always good, of course, but he's a most recent edition with Simon Mullery, he's one of those comedians who he's lauded in the comedy world. I think he sort of came from that alternative comedy sort of place in the early '80s, and he's, when you hear comedians talk, they always mention him and he's like a god in their eyes, but he's just probably never had mainstream success, as it were, and I don't think that worries him just into it, but it's a brilliant episode. He's just a likable man. He just, I've seen a documentary about him in the past, as well, on telly. I think Sky Arts did something on him once that I watched, and he's just such a nice man, but a very funny man as well, and I just think, if you just wanna hear a nice man talking for about an hour, have an listen to the latest Robert Hostoper. - So, do we not count as two nice men talking for an hour, or that's up to other people to decide? - Yeah, you fuck off. - So, there we are, that's it for this week. Thank you very much for listening, don't forget, you can get in touch with us any time, we're at Trevor and Bill O'Lix, and we'll catch you again next week. Till then, stay safe, stay well, take it easy. - Ta ta, farewell. (upbeat music) (upbeat music)