The Village Church
Lifestyle Changes In Our Relationships: Marriage, pt 2 - Audio
It's deeper than we even believe, and Lord, we thank You for that love, that unfailing love that never falters for, that everlasting grace that You give us daily, we thank You for it. Lord, we reverse than we believe, but we're more loved than we can even imagine, that is the gospel. And so my prayer today is that as we go to Your Word that I would get out of the way in Your Spirit, Lord, we're a calm and minister to all of us, we all need to hear it from our God this morning. All of us come from different places, different issues, different battles. We have one thing in common, we all need a Savior, we all need Jesus and more of Him. So be glorified today and Christ in my prayer, amen. Well, I know the guys are probably still struggling from last week's sermon. I am, too. So it's the latest turn today. One of the things I like to do on Sundays is get a sunny paper and go to the comics. There's reading through them, use it for sermon illustrations. And I came across a funny one a couple weeks ago, and it's about a retired couple, in the '70s. And in this episode, they were fishing together, and they were talking about the marriage, that a conversation about the marriage. And I want you to listen to what they said to each other. "That is totally ridiculous," says the wife. "How is it ridiculous?" says the husband. "It just is. It's not ridiculous. It's a fact. Marriage is a two-way street. But in all the years we've been married, you have never once left the toilet seat up for me." Funny. It's funny. But the husband is right here. He's right on here. Marriage? Can I finish first? Can I? Let me finish my statement, please. He's right on in the sense that marriage is a two-way street. It requires both spouses to live out their roles and responsibility in the marriage. If one spouse is only traveling down the road, you're going to have an unhealthy marriage, and you're going to struggle. And so when both spouses are delivered out, they're God-given responsibilities, that maintains the health of the marriage and the relationship. Last week, we talked about the husbands, and what God has called each husband to be and do. This week, we're going to talk about the wives and what God has called you to be and do. And remember, it may require a lifestyle change for all of us to live out our responsibilities in our marriage. And it's hard. It's not easy. And keep in mind, when I said last week also, that in every marriage, you have tension and conflict. Every marriage. Don't care how you raise or what family background you come from. You're going to have to deal with conflict and tension. Why? Because of Genesis 3.16. Whether the Lord say to the wives, your desire will be for your husband. Whether you say for the husbands, he will rule over you. That's what he said. The conflict will be over the leadership of the marriage, who will be the leader. You see, the husbands, you remember those three temptations I said you will have. Three ways in which you can abandon your leadership role. First, by pursuing your own sinful desires, what does that mean, Alex? It could be through an affair, emotional or physical. It could be not helping out around the house. It could be spending all the money on yourself. You fill in the blank. However it is, you pursue your own desires. That's one way you can abandon your leadership role. Second, you try to rule over her. What does that mean? You are a dictator. It's your way or the highway. You make all the decisions, you do all the things. She has no say. That's ruling over your wife. That's not loving her. And third, what did I say is you're passive and you're leadership. What does that mean? You don't have a backbone. She runs all over you. That's what that means. You let her do everything. You sit on the couch and do nothing. Every husband fights against that battle by striving to love his wife as Christ loved the church. You are to be that sacrificial leader at home. Every husband is. Now wives, what's your temptation in marriage? What's going to be your temptation? A wives temptation in marriage is to take the leadership of a husband away from him. When God says your desire will be for your husband, he's not talking about one fuzzies. He's not talking about great feelings of appreciation. That is a craving to have his role. The craving to have his leadership in the marriage. It's a simple craving. It's not a good craving. And so wives, future wives, how will you take your husband leadership away from him? How are you doing him? Do you know? You can do this by using words to belittle him. You know, quick to point out his weaknesses, critical of everything he does. Or as one Christian writer says, you use the "I told you" so statements. If you have only done what I asked you to do, I knew it just like I thought. I only asked you to do one thing, one thing. I can't believe you. You never listen to me. See? You always have to do it your way, don't you? Well, I hope you're satisfied. I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it. Maybe someday you'll take my advice. Someday. Have you ever used those statements? I told you so statements. You can use your emotions to take away his leadership. Being passive aggressive or trying to guilt him into being the husband you want him to be. What about disrespect? Correcting him in public, in front of his friends, in front of your friends, slandering him with the girlfriends, your church girlfriends, correcting him in front of the kids, criticizing him in front of the kids. Do you battle with that as a wife? Do you struggle with that as a wife? Susan Hunt, in her book True Woman, she gives an account of how a wife treated her husband. Listen to what this wife says she did. Before marriage, I was attracted to my husband's strong personality. After marriage, the same personality overwhelmed me. I began believing the lie that Eve believed in the garden. I could not be fulfilled during God's way. I believed the lies that I would have to fight for my rights and that it was my responsibility to destroy my husband's ego. So I did everything I could to belittle him. I corrected him in public. I rarely express admiration and appreciation. In trying to destroy his pride, I was destroying his manhood, elevating my own pride at the same time. I convinced myself that once he changed, I would be a great wife. I was less, less interested in him. There was no feelings of affection or love. I would rather have gone to an execution than to have been intimate with my husband. I mentioned the fact that my husband was so needy and that knowing the truth, that even perfect Adam also had needs. Man, I feel for that husband. But she's right. If perfect Adam, before the fall, had needs, how much more of your husband who was falling? He does. What kind of wife are you? What kind of wife are you being? Is it your mission to help and serve your husband? Or is it to change him? The woman in this story here said it was her responsibility to destroy her husband's ego, but that was not her responsibility, not your responsibility. Your responsibility as a wife is to focus on your role and responsibility in the marriage. What God has called you to be, and the same is true for the husbands, focusing on his role as a husband, not his wife's role. When you do that, wives, focusing on what God has called you to be, it helps you fight against that desire to have your husband's leadership role in the marriage, by focusing on what God has called you to be. In Ephesians 5, if you have your Bibles, it talks about the wives' responsibility. Ephesians 5, beginning in verse 21. Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ, wives submit to your own husbands, ask to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is head of the church, his body, his himself is Savior. Now after church submits to Christ, so also wives submit in everything to their husbands. And also in verse 32, it says let the wife see that she respects her husband. So wives are called to submit to their husbands in everything. It's all inclusive. And I know most women in our culture, society, and most of you here don't like that, because the words submit, I mean it's like biting to a lemon, a sour to you. It makes you frown. And rightfully so, because it has been abused in the church. The church has abused that word to make women do whatever the husband wants them to do. But the thing is, you don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. God's word is still God's word. What you do, just replace her with clean water. That's what you do. So what the submission doesn't mean what? Give me some things that it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean you have to treat your husband like a god. It doesn't mean that. That you have to be his maid. It doesn't mean he gets to have all the funds, fun while you're at home with the kids and kicking all the meals. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean you can't question or challenge some of his decisions. It doesn't mean you don't have a say so in what goes on in the house. It doesn't mean he has absolute power. It doesn't mean you lose your independent thought. You see, it also doesn't mean you have to follow your husband's ungodly ways or ungodly demands. But what does it mean? It is self-sacrifice on behalf of the wife. It involves both your actions and attitudes. It is you voluntarily setting under the leadership of your husband because God has called you to it. It's a recognition that God has created order in all Christian homes. There is an order. It will help you fight against your desire for your husband's role. It is you allowing your husband to be the leader God has called him to be. Remember, it's mutual submission. What did I say last week? The husband submits to his wife by allowing his wife to live out her role in a marriage. The wife submits to her husband by allowing him to lead the family as God has called him to lead. That's mutual submission. You see, John Piper says submission is a divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband's leadership. And to help him carry it out through her own gifts. So you follow your husband, but you don't become his shadow. You follow him, but you don't become his shadow. Even when it's difficult, even when it's hard, you still call it this. The husband is a sacrificial husband. The wife is a sacrificial wife putting his knees above her arms and vice versa. And what's your motivation for this? What's my motivation to be a good husband? You do it out of reverence for Christ, as verse 21 says. Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. For my honor for Christ, I'll submit to my wife. Out of your relationship with Jesus, you are to submit to your husband. You see, when a husband is growing in his walk with Christ, loving Jesus, growing in his relationship with Jesus, the overflow of that should be him loving his wife better. Loving his kids better. The same is true for a wife. If you're growing in your walk with Jesus, in your love for Jesus, the overflow of that would be submitting to your husband's leadership in the marriage more and better. You make it easy for him to lead. You see, none of us can say, I can't say I love Jesus and then I hate my wife. That does not fit. I can't say I love Jesus. I go to church and I love Jesus, but I'm a crappy husband when I get home. There's a disconnect somewhere. There's a disconnect. Because what did God say in 1 John? If you can't love your brother that you do see, how can you say you love me who you do not see? How can it? How can you? So there's always an overflow of what Jesus is doing in my heart and it works itself out in my relationships with other people, especially my wife, especially your wife or your spouse. The reason Paul gives for wives to submit to the husbands is because the husband has been called and charged by God to be the head of his household. It's a responsibility that God has placed upon every husband and he will hold every husband accountable for that. Verse 22 says, "Wives submit to your own husbands, that's to the Lord, for the husband is head of the wife, even as Christ is head of the church, his body, and is itself its Savior." See, headship does not mean your husband is better than you or superior than you. It does not mean that. It's everything I said last week. If he wasn't here, listen to the sermon. Headship is everything I said last week. It's your husband being a sacrificial servant leader at home, that's headship. And when he's not being that, then he's not living out the headship that God has called him to lead out. It's servanthood, it's sacrificial, that's headship. And when headship is rightly lived out, wives, it's a thing of comfort and security for you. So you have to see that God, your husband, is God's gift to you for your comfort and security. Do you believe it? When he's been the man he's supposed to be, that's good. And see, what you've got to realize is that God is calling every wife to submit to a man who's supposed to die for her. Submission takes on a whole different meaning when you see it that way. He is calling you to submit to a man who will go to the grave for you. Justice Christ went to the grave for his church. I don't know about your wives, but that sounds pretty good. That a man will love you that much to go to the grave for you. And so do you view your husband as a gift? Or is he just a burden holding you back from the things you want in life? You see, the example that Paul gives us here is between him, Christ and the church. And in the relationship between Christ and his church, Christ is the head of that church. It's his body, he is a savior of that body, and the church is supposed to submit to him. And see, what kind of head is Christ? What kind of leadership does he have for his church? His sacrificial leadership, the gospel. He loved his church enough to go to the grave. And listen, he did that when we were his enemies, his enemies who cared nothing for him. You see that? That's his leadership. That's his servant too. That's Jesus. And marriage is supposed to represent the same thing. I love my wife as Christ love the church. And my wife submits to me as the church submits to Christ. And see, our marriage is supposed to reflect that union. And it's a good thing. How do you live without, that's the obvious question. I mean, I come up here and say, you need to do this and you need to do that, but how? How can I apply this to my life? You do this wise by respecting and helping your husbands. You see, verse 32 says, "Let the wife see that she respects her husband." Genesis 2, 12 says, "Then the Lord said it is not good for the man to be alone. I would make for him a helper fit just for him." So if respecting your husband, helping your husband, this is the way you live without. Every wife wants to know and long for the fact that every wife wants to know that her husband loves her. Every wife wants to know that. Do you love me? And you need to see that every man, every husband wants to be respected by his wife. He does. He wants to know that she believes in him. You see, your husband can have enemies all around him. But the respect and the belief of his wife is a powerful thing to a man. And when he doesn't have it, it breaks him. He does. And so, Waikita's respect and belief in me helps me when things get bad. Because I know when I get home, I got a woman who respects me and believes in me no matter what. No matter what. Every man needs to know that. And think about, most of, for me, with the old cartoon, Pop Hotter Sailor Man, what happened when he ate the spinach? It gave him strength, it gave him confidence. Your belief and respect of your husband is spinach to your husband. It gives him confidence, it gives him strength. First, I don't know how to use it, but God made it that way. The helper fit just for a man. How are you doing, wives? How are you doing? It means not talking about him behind his back to your friends, especially church girlfriends, respecting your husband that way. Don't belittle him. Don't slander him in front of the kids. Communicate your respect and belief in him. Second, is that you help him. You help him to live out what God has called him to be. A pastor says, God intends for each wife is to complement your husband's gifts, to fulfill God's expectation for your marriage. God has made you in such a way that your husband is really incomplete without you. What did Genesis say? I'm going to make a helper for a man fit just for him. The life that you have, man, is fit just for you. That's the wife God wants you to have. If things are not going well, you need to work it out. The husband you have is what God has given you. If things aren't going well, you need to work it out. Now, I know there are times when marriage is in. I know that. I know that. So we live in the fallen world. So this is not La La Land. But if you love one another, you'll fight. You'll fight to keep it together. So, how else can you help your husband? It means speaking up when you need to speak up. That's the help. Giving him advice. Giving him good counsel. You should be your husband's number one counselor. His advisor. That's his wife. You should value your advice more than some others. You should be a voice of wisdom to him that he needs. His number one cheerleader and also his number one critic in a good way. You should be that for him. Sharing your insights and views with him. Because every man needs that from his wife. But the reality that we live in was the reality. In the ideal world, every husband would be a good husband all the time. And every wife would be a good wife all the time. But we live in the fallen world, don't we? We do. The reality we face is that it's hard for husbands to love their wives well. And it's hard for wives to submit like the church. None of us are perfect spouses. None of us will ever be perfect spouses. Ever. That's the reality we live in. Why? Because we all have issues. All God's people have issues. You will sin against your husband's wives. Husbands, you will sin against your wife. Sometimes greatly. We have to accept that and expect that at times. That you're going to let one another down. You are. You're going to hurt one another. You're going to take one another for granted. Because you're living the fallen world. You see, the picture we need to have is that on the one hand, each spouse strives to live out their responsibility in the marriage. And on the other hand, each spouse extends grace to the other when they fail. You got to have both of those. Responsibility and grace. Because I ain't always going to be a good husband. I ain't. She's not always going to be a good wife. When we stand grace to one another, let's make some marriage work. I give grace, she gives grace. Why? Because God has given us grace. None of you would be here if Jesus didn't give you grace. And how dare we don't extend that same grace to our spouses. That's what makes marriage work. That is a healthy marriage. When you learn they stand grace to your spouse when they let you down. I'm sure most of you, in World War II, a photographer, John Rosenthal, photograph this famous picture of soldiers lifting up the flag. And it was Jima. Most of you have seen that picture. And so that was the first time in a thousand years that an enemy's flag was lifting in Japan when he took that photo. And when that photo got back to America, a lot of Americans, well, there's a sign of victory here. We have conquered. We have won the war because our flag was raised in this country. And so having a good marriage is a fight. It's like going to war. But the question is whose flag is flying in your marriage? Who is planning to hit their flag in your marriage? Is it your pride? Is it your ego? Your selfishness? Your self-righteousness? Your unforgiveness? Is it the flag of the evil one that's blown through the winds in your marriage? You see, both spouses have that you have to plant the flag of the cross in your marriage, both of you together. The cross has to fly in your marriage. You have to because you don't have the strength to be the spouse you need to be. You draw strength from the cross, from the gospel, from the Jesus, from the Holy Spirit to be the spouse you need to be. And so if the cross isn't flying in your marriage, then where the flag is there, you need to set power to it and take it out and put the cross in it. Because there you get your power from that. There's no other way you get power to be the spouse. Everything is held at the cross in the marriage that is praying. Father, my prayer for my own marriage and the marriages of everyone here is that the cross will fly high and mightily in our marriages. Because both spouses need to look up to Jesus to be the spouses they need to be. Because all of us have sin, all of us have hurt one another, and we need to learn how to stand grace to each other as well, learn to forgive when we have been hurt. And only through the gospel, only through Jesus, working in our hearts, and the Holy Spirit changing us, can we do that? So help us to live out our responsibility and also help us to give grace to the spouse when they fail. So thank you, Father, for all you've done and all that you're going to do in our lives. Cross in my prayer, amen. All right, women, how are we?