The Village Church
Lifestyle Changes In Our Relationships: Marriage, pt 1 - Audio
It has been the flip side of the world, you're different, you're new creation, so you call it to be different, so I appreciate that brother. So let's go to the Lord and pray before we go to His Word. The flip side of the Lord of this life is what you have called us to be and I praise you that when you have saved us, Lord, we're different. We are a new creation in Christ and created in Him for good works, and so in spirit I pray that you will come, that you will speak through me, and that you will change our hearts so that we can be the things that God wants us to be, the people of God. So I pray now that you will take my words and apply it to the hearts of your people, and Christ in my brain, amen. When it comes to losing weight or going on a diet, there are hundreds of dieting fas or quick fixes, because we live in a culture where people won't instant results, we want it now. I want to lose the weight now. The problem with those results from dieting gimmicks is that they don't always last. You can lose the weight three months later, four months later, you put it back on. You see, the reason they don't last is because once you get off the program, once you get off of it, you return to your unhealthy eating patterns. You return to what you used to be. When you think about relationships, if you use relational gimmicks and fas to try to change the relationships, they may look different for a while, but once you stop using them, you return to your unhealthy ways of relating. What I mean by this, think about this, a wife finally confronts the husband for his years of neglect of her and the kids. The husband feels guilty. He's broken of it. So what does he do? He plans a week-long vacation to Disney World, and so for seven days, he's the perfect husband. He's engaging. He won't stay engaged in conversation with the wife. He's spending time with the kids, but what happens when they come back from Disney World? What happens when the seven days of vacation is over? Everyone returns to what they used to do. The husband resumes, it's related to the family. The wife resumes her resentment towards the husband, and the kids continue to act out to get attention. You see, the vacation was a quick-fix solution. It's like putting a band-aid on a cut that needs stitches. If your marriage is in trouble, a vacation ain't going to fix it, it ain't going to help it. You need something deeper. You see gimmicks and fas, they can help you lose the weight, but that's just one half of the battle. The second half of the battle is keeping the weight off. How do you keep it off? That requires more than a 12 or 20-week eating program, and restoring your relationships to health, and keeping those relationships healthy requires more than a book, requires more than a conference. You know what it requires? A lifestyle change. It requires a lifestyle change, rearranging your values, your priorities, your pursuits, and your responsibilities. That's what it takes to have a healthy relationship, and to maintain that health. You see, for the past two weeks, we've been talking about a serving faith, what it is, how it affects us. This week, we're going to talk about a serving faith as a lifestyle change in your relationships, moving away from gimmicks and fas, to something that brings lasting results. The most important relationship you have, outside your relationship with Christ, is the one with your family, is the one with your family. That's the second most important relationship you have on this earth, and within a family, there should be a priority of your relationships, your husband and wife, and the parents and the kids. This morning, we're going to look at a serving faith as a lifestyle in your marriage. I may step on some toes, you may get mad, I'm just a messenger. Take it up with the Lord. I'm not an expert either, so I had a lot of help with this. This is what the Lord put up in my heart, and I'm going to share it. If you're not married this morning, don't tune me out, because the Lord still has a word for you as well. Before you can dive into this lifestyle change, there's something you need to understand about marriage, and to have that understanding, you've got to go back to the beginning when God created all things. You see, there is a phrase that is repeated during God's works of creation, and it says, "God saw that it was good." Every time God created something, the Lord saw that it was good, and Genesis 1-21, the Lord said, "I saw everything he had made, and behold, it was very good, very good." What was the one thing that was not good? Anyone know? What was the one thing that was not good? Yes, it is not good for the man to be alone. So God created a helper, fit just for the man, and it was a woman. The man Adam, the woman Eve, they became husband and wife, one flesh. There is what was the first marriage, and in the beginning it was good. It was perfect. Everything was great, but the bliss wasness, the goodness didn't last because they sinned against God, and they fell from grace, and as a result, my marriage, your marriage, your future marriage, we have to deal with sin, conflict, and tension because of that. The Lord speaks of this in Genesis 3-16, "Your desire would be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." What does that mean, Alex? It means there will be an ongoing conflict and tension for leadership in the marriage. Who will be the leader? As a wife, a future wife, you will be tempted to take the leadership responsibilities of your husband away from him. You will have to battle that all the days of your life. In the future husbands, you will be tempted to abandon your God-given leadership to care and to provide for your wife in three ways. Either you do it by pursuing your own simple desires or you try to rule over her, third, you simply be passive and never ever take leadership responsibilities for anything. Every man, every woman, you bring baggage into the marriage, I don't care if you come from a good family or a bad family, you still bring baggage, just accept it, acknowledge it, and deal with it. We all have to. The question is, how are we to do marriage well in the midst of tension and conflict? When you think about a military soldier and his gun, he holds on to that gun, he takes it with him into battle, it's his. When he goes to clean that gun, he doesn't just get a cloth and just rub it down, give it a quick rub down, no, he has to disassemble the weapon, clean each part, and when he's done cleaning it, he reassembles the weapon. You see, given your marriage quick rub downs like this, and thinking that's going to solve all the problems, it won't. Quick rub downs for your marriage will never solve the problems in your marriage. Sometimes you got disassembled things and put them back together, and that requires patience, diligence, and sometimes hard work. Each spouse has to do their part to keep the marriage clean. Each spouse has to do their part to keep the marriage clean. Having a good marriage is not my accident, it ain't going to fall in your lap. You have to work at it. And God, he's so good, he hasn't left us to wonder like sheep here, because in his word, he has given us a pattern of marriage that would help us deal with this tension and conflict. Ephesians 5.21 says, "We are to submit and suggest ourselves to one another out of reverence for Christ." Don't forget that verse, because everything we're going to say flows from that verse. Ephesians 5.21. We are to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. This call to submit to one another will help each spouse to deal with the conflict and tension in marriage. This is mutual submission. It is step to now. It's been others' center. It's a call to sacrifice. It is a serving faith exercise in the context of marriage. Listen to what Dr. Legan Duncan says about mutual submission. He says, "It means willing to be the least. It means being willing to wash the disciples' feet. It means being ready to prefer others ahead of yourself. It means doing nothing from selfless ambition but from humility. It means not being self-assertive or insisting on others or assisting on getting your own way, but placing ourselves at those others disposal and living so that our forbearance becomes a matter of public knowledge and serving one another. It is not a weak thing. It is actually a very powerful thing. You think about it, my friends. There are a lot of ways people seek for power in this world, monies. The ambition often fuels and expresses their power, status, roles, positions, enable them to express power and display power. All of those ways that power can be expressed can be taken away from human beings. But one power that cannot be taken from you, and it is your service. There is no one that can take away service in the power that comes with it from you." When both spouses serve one another this way, marriage becomes what God intended it to be. You know what else it does when you serve one another this way? It means each spouse submits to one another by allowing the other spouse to fulfill their God-given roles in the marriage. See what I'm saying? When you serve one another this way, you allow the other spouse to fulfill his or hers God-given role within the marriage. We all have roles in marriage or you allow your spouse to fulfill their role. And all of this is done out of reverence and respect of Christ. Don't forget that. Don't forget that. I love my relationship with Jesus. I want to be a good husband to what I keep on. If Jesus is working in my life, if I'm growing in Christ, then I'm going to be a good husband. I'm going to be a good dad. That means I'm going to practice what I preach from the pulpit. That's what it means. My relationship with Christ has to have in a fate on the way I live my life on the way you live your life. Does it? It should. When Waikita and I were just dating, the Lord used her to show a lot about myself. I mean a lot about myself. And to be honest, I was a jerk to her. I was. And my problem was that I tried to mold her, shape her into the womb, and I wanted her to be for me. I was going to the ministry. I was going to be a pastor. So my wife had to look a certain way. She had to believe the things I believed. And so I gave her theology books to read. I sent her theology papers to read. We were going to do a Bible study on theology over the phone. And that was my goal was to make sure she believed what I believed down to the smallest detail. And the good thing about her is that she didn't let me do it. That's a good thing. When your wife doesn't let you mold her into what you want her to be, that's a blessing to you, men. And I love that about her. She won't let me do it. She kept calling me out. And I thought I was doing good things. I was trying to change her, and I wasn't loving her well. And I had a conversation with a good friend, and he told me, he said, "Alex, you're going to have to start believing God is in control of your life when it comes to marriage. You've got to start believing that." And so I was finally convicted of my sin, how I was sending it to her. And so I stopped pursuing her in order to mold her. Instead, I pursued her to know her. That's a difference. I pursued her to know her once he convicted me of my sins, because she was a child of God. And I wasn't appreciating that. All I was thinking about was what I needed. And so I had to stop focusing on what I needed so I could become what she needed, me to be as a man and as a leader. We have all of us have a tendency to try to change people we're in close relationships with. Whether it's in marriage or in any other relationship. As a spouse, you have to stay in your row, as Mark says, stay in your row as a spouse. What is your row as a spouse is you focusing on your responsibility in the marriage, not your spouses. Not telling her and him what they need to do, you need to be what God called you to be in the marriage. And as men, as leaders, God will hold us accountable for how we leave our lives. It's our responsibility, as men, to lead our families well. So husbands, what does your role look like this morning? How does it look? What is your responsibility to get Ephesians 5? If you got your Bibles, Ephesians 5, beginning in verse 25. I'm going to read verse 21 again, "Submit into one another out of reverence for Christ." Now verse 25, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Just hearing that should make you fall to your knees right now. Your husband, how they Christ loved the church, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the wash and the water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself and splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy without blemish. In the same way husbands, love, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife, loves himself. For no one ever hated their own flesh, for nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ loves the church, because we are members of his body, therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This ministry is profound, and I'm saying this for it refers to Christ and the church. However, that each of you love his wife as himself, and that the wife see that she respects her husband. It's your responsibility to love your wife, if you're married. If you're not married, when you get married, that will be your responsibility. Love is more than just a feeling, any emotion, it's an action as well, it's a continue action done out of delight, not duty. The Bible says, love is patient, kind, love that's not envy or boast, it is not arrogant or rude, it does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, and hopes all things, endures all things, love never ends. That's the kind of love we are called to have for our wife, or your fiance, or your girlfriend as y'all are moving toward marriage. That's the kind of love, and the example that is set before is the same love that Christ had for his church. The verse says, "Husman's love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself art for her." Jesus loved the church through service and sacrifice, he laid down his life for the church. His bride, he laid down his life for her, he loved her and died for her so that he might sanctify her. What does that mean? It means to separate the church to himself, that's what sanctify me in this context, to separate the church to himself and cleanse the church by washing on the word that is baptism. He does all this to make his people beautiful before him. The verse says that he might present the church to himself and splendor, without wrinkle, without spot, or any such thing, that she might be holy without blemish. That is you, if you are a believer. This is what Jesus does to you as a believer, make you beautiful, make you whole, without spots, without wrinkles, that's the good news, that's the gospel. He does all this for you. What is Jesus? He is a sacrificial servant leader for his people, a sacrificial servant leader and every husband is called to be the same thing for his wife, a sacrificial servant leader. This requires a lifestyle change for some of us and it means you ought to be a good husband, not just on Valentine's Day, not just on birthdays and not just to get out of the dog house either. It's called to be a husband all the day, good husband all the days of your life. You have to strive to be this kind of leader. You have to be intentional to be this kind of leader, the type of leader that Christ is. What Trinity says, husbands should love their wives as they own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. I mean, do you feel the weight of that? Do you? He who loves his wife loves himself. If I ain't love my wife, then I'm out loving myself, according to what the Bible says. The same way you care for your body, how do you care for your body, man? You clean it, you feed it, some of us exercise it, some of us don't. And you should provide the same care for your wife, to nourish her, to cherish her as Jesus loves the church. When you get married, it's no longer me and you, it's us, it's one flesh. Do you nourish and cherish your wife through loving service? If you're dating or engaged, are you practicing these things now? I mean, don't just wait till you get married and say, "Well, I got to be a good husband. Now, practice it now. Ask God tomorrow you into that man now." You see, Paul says God has lavished us with his grace. Husbands, lavish your wife with as much love and affection as she can stand. Do that for her. You see, a pastor friend of mine told me, he went through an extended time, not taking care of his wife. You know, he's preaching his sermons on Sunday, doing great things for the church, but he didn't love his wife well. And listen to what she told him, this is what she told him. She said, "When you get up to preach, husband, you think I'm leaving, they're going to help in the nursery, but I don't leave him because I don't want to hear what you got to say. This is what she told him. I'm leaving because I don't want to hear what you got to say. Good pastor, love people, his own wife said, "I don't want to hear what you got to say." It means you can do great things for the kingdom, you can do great things in business, and if you are a jerk at home, it does not honor God. I can come up here and preach sermons, I can meet you in counseling, but if I'm failing at home, I'm not doing what God has called me to do as a husband. Come not. There is a priority in life. All husbands will struggle to be this type of leader because it requires you to think less of yourself and put your wife and needs ahead of your own. If you're not a husband, you will deal with it. Remember what I said earlier. There are three ways in which men abandon their leadership either by pursuing their own simple desires or trying to rule over your wife or just being passive and not taking leadership ability. Which one are you? Which one will you be? Which one? Only you know that. I bet your wife knows too. Are you girlfriend? Which one will you be? See, my struggle is to be passive and not take leadership. I have to fight against that. I can't blame that up because I didn't have a father. I can't blame that all on him and I'm just not stepping up to the plate. That's my natural tendency to be passive with my wife and not take leadership. So I have to fight that against that and so you have to fight against it. You have to fight to be a sacrificial servant to your wife. Last week I went to the dentist and as I was waiting in the waiting room, you know, I picked up a sports illustrator, you know, of course that's what guys do and I was reading an article about a college football head coach who was pretty much a madman when it came for his job. I mean, I think he's obsessed with his job and his team had just won a big game and so it was going to be four or five weeks until the next game and so the wife, she was the one in the article, said she was looking forward to the break. She was spending time with the husband, knowing he told her, I give you two days. I'll give you two days and she was like two days. She told a reporter, I'll take what I can give, great coach. Our wives should never have to speak those words. I'll take what I can get from him. If you do, you need to go repenting her and to God. As a man, we have three priorities. If you're going to be a leader or a deacon or the elder in this church, you will have three priorities. There'll be your relationship with Christ, your family, and your relationships with your neighbors in that order. Jesus, family, neighbors in that order, in that order. I'm passionate about family. I come from a not a good family background and so I'm passionate about my family and I want the people that's treated passionate about their families as well and so what does it mean? Man, it means you may have to give up certain things, sacrifice certain things. It means you can't work 80 hours a week every week and expect to be a good father and husband. It means you can't take every promotion, go on every business trip because you got to be a good husband. One of my favorite movies is Cheaper about a dozen. I don't know if any of you have seen that movie, but it had a couple of them now. Steve Martin is in it. He's a head football coach. He was at a small school and he got his dream job. To coach at the school, he played at. He took the job. He had so much responsibility, he couldn't be a good dad. So toward the end of the movie, he resigned. Why did he resign? Because I was failing as a husband and father. He said, if I failed there, I'll fail in life. So he took less so he can be more to his family. Do you have that same priority? Do I have that same priority? Jesus said he died for his church. Are you willing to die for your wife and die for her, sacrifice other things for her? And it means more than bringing home a chick, being a husband means more than bringing home a chick. You have to engage your family emotionally. Man, you are responsible for this. I'm responsible for this. And when things are bad, when we're not talking, we are called to initiate reconciliation even when it's not our fault. Because we're the men, because we're the leaders, it's self-sacrifice. Self-sacrifice is what it's all about and how many of you are man enough to do it. That's a man to me who's willing to sacrifice things in his life for the sake of his family. That's a man. The culture has something different. To the Word of God, a true man, a man's man is a man who's willing to say no to certain things in life for the sake of his family, or you that type of man, and how that type of man. Your wife, our wives, or God's give to us, you have to submit to her about allowing her to be the helper that God has given you. Let her speak truth in your life. Let her correct you, value her insights and opinions. Love and lead her in such a way that she finds great joy and security in setting on your leadership. That she finds rest in setting on your leadership because you are a good man to her. That's how we are to love. One Christian writer says, "Men were designed to be made whole through the full expressions of their spouse's gifts and abilities. You were intended to be made whole through your wife's own gifts and abilities." Do you value that? He says, "When people like that understanding, many suffer." Many suffer. There was a couple of years ago, there was a PBS documentary about the Civil War directed by a guy named Ken Burns. In this documentary, there was a letter written by Major Sullivan. I think it's Bolo, Bolo, whatever, how you pronounce it, I think it's Bolo, to his wife, Sarah. I want you to listen to the words of this letter, July 14th, 1861, "Camp Clark, Washington." My very dear Sarah, the indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days, perhaps tomorrow. At least I should not be able to write again. I feel impaled to write a few lines that may fall under your eyes, whilst when I shall be no more. I have no misgivings about or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged. My courage does not halt a falter. I know how great a debt we owe those who went before us through the blood and serfence of the revolution. I am willing, perfectly willing, to help maintain this government and to pay that debt. Sarah, my love for you is deathless. It seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but omnipotence could break and get my love for country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me unresisably armed with these chains to the battlefield. The memories of this blissful moments I've smit with you come creeping over me. I feel most gratified to God and to you, that I have enjoyed them for so long. It is hard for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years when God willing we might have still lived in love together and seen our sons growing up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but a few and small claims upon divine providence. But something risk was to me. Perhaps it is to prayer my little eggher that I shall return to my loved ones unhorned. I do not, my dear, if I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you. When my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name. Forgive me my faults and my many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I often been. How gladly will I wash out with my tears the very spot upon your happiness. If the dead could come back to this earth, and move unseen around those that love, I will always be near to you, and the gladest and darkest nights, always, always. If there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it should be my breath. If the cool air offends your droppling temple, it should be my spirit passing by. Sarah, do not mourn me dead. Thank I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again. The major was killed a week later at the first battle of bull run, July 24, July 21, 1861. None of us are that poetic problem, but what he does for his wife here, what he does for his wife here, how he affirms her, assures her, builds her up, strengthen her, shows her her value, every husband is called to do the same thing, however way you do it. He called to do the same thing, for he who finds a wife surely finds a good thing, let us pray. Father God, I do pray that you emode us as men to be good husbands to our wives, and I pray that you show us how we can be better, and I pray for the wives, Lord, we're going to talk about them next week, and I pray you emode them to get wives, and how they can serve their husbands better, and marriage is sacrificed, Lord, it's not given half and half, it's sacrificed, so teach us to show us what it really looks like, and if we're not married or if we're engaged Lord, mold them into what they need to be to be a good spouse when they get married, and so I thank you Father, praise your Father for all these days, in Christ's name, amen. 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