The Manic Candice Podcast
Tub of Dildos
- What? - Yes, I feel very old. - Do you? - I do. - Is this dawning on you? - Yeah. I was like, this is my last year of my 20s. - Right. Oh, you're 30 turn 29. - Mm-hmm. - Nuts, yeah, it's a weird age. And it's so weird because you start to feel like the, you start to get a little bit of like the burden of life, but you're still in your 20s. You know, you're still like young. - I feel like the burden of life for like a year now. When I turned 28, I was like-- - What the fuck? - Yeah. - And you're like, what the fuck? Like, I just went to my, most of my 20s right there. - Yeah. - Yeah. - And like, I turned around and I'm just like, I look back, like I'm a completely different person. - Yeah. Bro, just think about who you were two years ago. - I think it was who I was seven years ago. I was so ambitious, you know what I mean? - Yeah, you're fantastic. - Like, I was like so like, I'm going to college, I'm going to graduate, I'm gonna do this and then do that. And then like life slowly was like-- - Grinding you down. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Like the daily like-- - That's exactly what I mean. Like, you're like, what the fuck? - The daily fucking like, okay, how much do I need to make to move out? - Right. - How much times what? And like, they Arizona, they passed a law where it's now two and a half times they're in instead of three and a half times. - Oh, like they can't make it-- - The quality. - Yeah, yeah, you can't hit you after what you make. - Yeah. - Yeah. - So I was like, okay, so I finally just like went for it. I was like-- - How much do you need to make now? - Two and a half. - Two and a half times you're in it? - Yeah. - I guess that makes sense, though. - It does. That's my ice maker. - Oh, hell yeah. - I know, like this place came with the ice maker, so I'm just like-- - Did it come furniture too? - Yeah, this is a one. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, it came with this. - That's sweet. - Yeah, 'cause I don't imagine fucking moving furniture in here, this is a fucking nightmare. - Yeah, fuck no, if this was mine, I'd be in here for weeks building this. - Yeah, true. It's cool, though. - I like building, it's funny. I used to be afraid of like, building things. - Why? - 'Cause I never built anything. - You thought you'd fuck it up? - Yeah, so I follow the instructions and they make it so easy, like the pictures and shit. - I don't know. It's not that easy. - It's easy, I put together a desk. - That's not bad. That's a good start. - One of those desks that like, you press a button and it moves up. - Mm-hmm, yeah. - So all the parts that I like, I learned like, okay, this rod, if this rod was in here, then it wouldn't move up. - Right. - It's just shit like that. - I made you feel accomplished, though. - I did. - You're like, fuck yeah. - I fucking cut myself, though. - You earned it. - Nah, that's fucking sick, man. I love how it's like furnished in here. - Mm-hmm, I love the view. I could've gotten stuck with the view of the hotel. - Or a view of the building right here. - Nah, I like this one. - Yeah. - It's like, especially when the other sun's going down. - So I have you been since the last episode. It's been two years. - I've always been two years. That's crazy, you remember that? - Yeah. - Wow. - I remember we were in my other apartment. - That's right. In middle of nowhere. That was a good one. That was a good time. - Those are not in middle of nowhere. It was in North Phoenix. - It was too fancy for my taste. - It was pretty fancy. - I had no right being there a little bit. - We neither. - That's true. (laughing) - We neither. - I love his name. - They let me in. I don't know, they let me stay. - Yeah. - My, originally me and my mom got that place together. So me and her name, her name and my name were on it, but she's the reason why I got a proven shit. - Right. - You know what I mean? Let's be real. I was like 26 at the time, wasn't making how much she was making. So like, get that fucking place. And like, we got in a fight and she moved out a week later. - Really? - Yeah. - No. - Yeah. - And that's why you were there by yourself? - Yeah. - Dang. - That's why there was two veterans. - I would have immediately turned it into a trap house. You're way better than me? (laughing) - What am I supposed to do? Like, sell my Adderall? - I don't think they started trapping that thing. - Oh god. I like, I went wild a little bit. - Yeah, I could see that. And then I was like, what am I doing? Because like, she tried to make me leave. - Your mom did? - Yeah, at first. I'm like, my name's on the lease, I'm not leaving. - Yeah, I would. - I know my name. - It's a nice boss. - Right. - You already got it. - You can't make me sign anything. So I'm like, that's what happens when you co-sign with someone is someone dips out, you're responsible. - You guys are cool now though? - Yeah. - Yeah, we're dope. She's such a different person, but like, I like kind of pushed it that night. - Did you? - Yeah. - What is your mom? Do you know what to say to get her to fucking? - It's like what I did though. - Oh no. - Yeah, it wasn't like what I said. It was like something I did. And then like pissed her off. And like, I would say like 10 years ago, she changed like who she was. She should be like kind of like a mean person. - To you? - Yeah, a little bit. - What do you think changed? - I think she like realized like I'm getting older. - And they're paying you with death? - I think new movement out. - Did you change her? - Yeah, when I was 18, I think it like changed her a little bit. - That was the first time you had not looked at your parents. That changes you too. Like that's like a big year. - I was at ASU. That was fun. - That's right. Wow. I don't even, I couldn't even imagine the type of shit that you got into at ASU. - I got into everything. - I had to think I was at high school. - That school is so crazy. - Like, it is crazy. And like, that's why like 80% of people don't graduate. - Yeah, 'cause they get stuck on a fucking ketamine trip. - How do you do a ketamine? - I have a new one. - Oh my God, tell me about your ketamine. - Sorry. - Well, this is the fuck that part I didn't do for so many years because I was living in the projects of Brent, right? A little studio apartment, like in the fucking projects, right? Brent has his drug, I never heard of it, right? He just, I let him shot me me, basically. He just, but we did way too much and I had legit work. - Did you guys know what it was? - Yeah, he knew what it was. - Okay. - But I was just, I know it was a dissociative. That's all I knew. And I just did, I was in the ghetto, I had nothing to do. I had no money, you know? So I just dated with him as one does. And dude, it was the worst drug experience I've ever had. - I think ketamine is gross. Like, I think-- - It's not great. - I've always been tweeting like the past like month, like stop doing ketamine. - I've seen that. - I've seen that. Like fucking like, it's stupid. Like, have you seen someone in a K-hole? Have you seen what they look like? It's like, it looks scary, they like, black out and like they stare and like, they're like, I was like, what? Hello, hello, I had this one friend. She was my dealer for everything. She had everything, you would've never guessed, but she had everything. You had her up? - No, I don't talk to her anymore, 'cause she's like pretty toxic. So am I. But like, I mean, she had everything, but she was stuck on ketamine pretty bad. - Yeah, it's tough to watch. I've seen someone that had like a mental breakdown. - Like without it? - You know, we like on it. - Yeah. - Like legit and like stuff when their past was coming up. I don't know how, when I did it, it felt like, you know, it was like the old Nintendo game where you put the cartridge in. I felt like someone pulled the cartridge out while the game was playing. - See, when I did it, I did it with cocaine. - Right, that made sense. - Together. - That sounds fucking wild. - Yeah, I did it together. So like, I was like, I felt like this rush from the cocaine. And then I saw the hallucinogens from the ketamine. I think together gave me hallucinogens. I think with ketamine by itself, it doesn't do that because I was like fucking smelling colors and like the colors, like the stop lines were like flying at me. - Whoa. - It was cool, like, it was really cool. And it was scary and it lasted for like 35 minutes. - That's not bad. But I'll tell you what thoughts, I will tell you this. I made a comeback and I did ketamine with brain and it was good this time. It was not that time. - It was good this time. - The first time it was, I thought I was gonna die for a little bit. - Okay, well it made it better. Do you think it was a tough? - Oh, okay. - And the dosage, the dosage was completely off. So the second time it was, it just feels like a little bit out of your body, you know? - Mm. - I think it's like, I can appreciate the reflective qualities of being my ketamine, but it's not really for me. - So like with ketamine, it's being used in like clinics, like psychedelic clinics. Do you think it's like beneficial for people with depression? Do you think there's an argument there? 'Cause I don't think so, but then the guy had done it once with cocaine. - So you ate it just like that one time. - I think it's stupid because I know I had not offered, not at that one time. It's just based off my experience with my ex-friend, that's why I got her up. - Right. - It's just that I think the user is stupid. - I think that that's the user I've been before. - No, like a chronic user, like, you know what I'm saying? - Yes, I know something like that. - There's no like once, I've done it once, you know what I mean? - Yeah. - I'm not a loser. - I'm a loser. - Nah, yeah. - But like, someone who does it, like, someone who wakes up and is like, "I'm getting a grab of ketting me today." - That sounds like my best friend. - But yeah, I think there's something to be said about ketamine therapy. I've heard some good things from people, like as far as like doing it in a clinical environment and then going through your childhood, repressed trials, and I've heard some good things from it. I've never personally done getting any drug in a controlled environment, but I don't know. - What the fuck is a controlled environment? - It's like, you know, with a psychiatrist, you know? - They're not nurtures, and what kind of psychiatrist does is like a drug pusher. - How do you feel one does this? He talks about it. - Oh, God. - He talks about it, yeah. Someone's with you and they walk you through the experience. - I'm tired of people, like, you know how we legalize marijuana, right? We call it medical marijuana at first. - Right. - Once the last time you hear someone call it medical marijuana, since we legalize it. - It's just marijuana. - Is it exactly? - It's just cannabis. - It's medicinal. - Yeah, it's stupid. - Yeah, I don't know, though. You know, it sounds kind of nice to, like, be okay to me. You just talk it out to somebody you don't think? Kind of whole thing. - Well, like, all she did was, like, argue with me. Like, go to pretend. - That sounds terrible. - And I'm just, like, is Academy feeling this? - Yeah, not me, it must be the drugs. - Yay! - If you're having any type of crazy behavior and you're also on drugs, it takes to say that a lot of that is drugs. - Yeah. - I mean, I don't know, I've been having some weird experiences, I don't think I'd do it anymore. - Yeah, I'm just, like, there was a point in my life where I was like, I need to stop doing drugs. - Every person who is, any kind of sensible has that thought to me. - Yeah, 'cause, like, I was, like, my liver, my brain, my lungs, my fucking brain. - Dude, I, um, I had a strange experience recently, like, maybe, like, stop drinking for, like, five, six months. - Really? - Yeah, dude, I was, I was, like, you know, Louis. - We don't have to drink tonight if you're not drinking. - Oh, mom, I'm definitely drinking tonight. - Okay, okay. (laughing) - I was like, if you don't want to drink, I guess you got to, like, get in with me now. - No! (laughing) - I feel like, okay, I'm just kidding. - But, no, I ran into, I was in downtown Phoenix. I ran into an old, like, old friend, like, a fine nuisance childhood, you know? And they were both two friends, actually. And we started drinking. And I swear, dude, like, I've never had this experience. I just completely blacked out, right? In his house, right? But, in my blackout, I was in a house nice apartment, like, this, too, in, like, a nice building in downtown, right? So, tell me why, for some reason, he goes in another mode ever, and I'm in his crib, and I'm fucking blacked out, right? I take all my clothes off, besides my, and just my drawers, so I'm just in my drawers, right? And I fucking wake up in the middle of my blackout, and I'm in, like, some random floor. And I don't remember where his room is. I don't remember, hey, I don't know why I am. Clothes are off, I don't know how I got there, and I'm, like, no fucking way. And I'm like-- - Do you think you were a drug? - It felt like something happened, because all I did was drink, drink. And I've never had this-- - Will you, like, mix any shit with liquor? Like, drugs, I'm talking? 'Cause I've had this experience, 'cause I've done it willingly. - Right. - Not saying it was done to me, but, like, I've done it willingly, like, mixing, like, say, like, for example, like, Molly, with, like, head of tears, or something, like, early. - I wish I would have done something. I don't know what happened, right? So-- - Like, I'm saying, like, when you, my point is, when you do something like that-- - Yeah. - You definitely blackout. - 100%. - 100%. Like, you go straight to blackout. And, like, when, from that point, when you drink, the farm money just told me, and the point when you drink before that, how long was-- - How long was I sober after? - But, no, but, Jane, when you got, when you, when you blacked out, and the time you drank before that, was it a long time? And you just, like, hit the alcohol, and you're like, "Oh, shit." - No, it wasn't that long, it wasn't noticeable. I don't know what happened, I blacked out. But, dude, so, this, I'll keep 'em on. I made my underwear in a nice building in downtown, right? - Oh, my God. - So, what I do is I go down to the desk, right? 'Cause I don't remember my fucking friend's place, right? I don't have my phone. - Oh. - I don't have anything, right? Just my draws. I go down, and I'm in a nice apartment at the-- It'd be like me shirtless in my drawers downstairs. That was me. And the guy's like, "Look, I can't tell you "which room your friend is, "I technically can't let you know that information," you know? And so, I was like, "I would fucking die." - I had a shamanistic experience. So, I had to figure out how to get back to my place in Tempe with no money, no pants, and it was raining. So, I fucking had to figure out how to literally get back to Tempe with no device, no nothing. And I had a spiritual experience, dude. I really went through a whole journey. I couldn't get on the bus. Someone came, I was sitting at the bus stop and my fucking drawers pulled, right? Somebody came pulled over, they gave me a rainbow blanket. And I wrapped the rainbow blanket around me like a skirt, right? And I fucking walked home. - A rainbow blanket. - A rainbow blanket, right? And so, literally, just imagine me fucking after a block, I'm trying to figure out how to get home in a rainbow blanket, right? And I'll never forget, I ended up going to a king, right? And they let me in 'cause it was raining. And I just asked a guy like, "Hey, bro, "I'm going through some real shit right now. "Can I use your phone and call a cab?" Because I had cash at my house, right? So, I was like, "Cab's still fucking exists, right?" And I called a cab, right? And on the way to the cab, I remember, I had a plastic bag. Someone had given me a plastic bag. Maybe, you know what else? He had a bag in there in the back. And I threw up in the back. And so, I literally showed up at my house, wrapped in a rainbow blanket with a bag of puke. And I went in, I gave the money to him and I... - Wait, how long ago was this? - This was like, maybe almost two years ago, a year and a half, maybe. Like, literally my roommate was sitting in the kitchen and he was like, "What happened to you last night?" And I was like, "I just walked upstairs." (laughs) I still have the rainbow blanket. I want to get somewhere. - I thought you made a home. - It was fucking insane, yeah. - Like, I can't remember the last time I walked out. I fucking hit two cars. - No way. - Yeah. Yup. - Did you, did you just, what happened? - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I got sued. - Oh, fuck. - I got sued that 'cause like, it was in Scottsdale. And like, pretend you're going to like, pretend you're in Scottsdale, right? Cops. - Yeah. - You know, our like, not assholes, but they're going to pull you over. They're going to pull anybody over. - Yeah. - I think they're fair. You know, I've seen them pull an audio over, Mercedes, my car. - People are like. - 'Cause you're like fucking speeding. - Right. - 'Cause I was speeding. You know? So they pulled me over. Anyways, DUI, I bought bad pills. - No. - I thought they were one thing and this is, this is like the start of fentanyl. - Oh my God. - This is a start of fentanyl. - That's crazy. - And like, I had no idea what it is. - Your fentanyl is driving? - Yeah. I didn't fucking know. I didn't know it was fentanyl. I asked for, I asked for Xanax. 'Cause look, I asked my, first I tried to go to my doctor. Try to go to that route. Like, an addict. You know what I mean? And they're telling me no. Well, I got four from my primary care. She's like, I'm concerned about you. I'm like, that's why I need it. But she was right to be concerned. 'Cause at that time, I was popping like Xanax bars, like crazy. And like, I'm glad I'm not doing that. I mean, I haven't popped Xanax in years. Like, I've never done that. - I'll go to that. - Okay, me too. Like, I'm just like, oh God. It was horrible. - Oh my God. - It's about the horrible way to live, you know? - Yeah. - 'Cause like, but that, talk about blacking out. So like, I remember getting ready for work. And then I remember that ramp. You know, there's ramps in Phoenix, highways where it's like, you go over the whole city, but you gotta go like 45 miles per hour. I remember going on that like fucking like... - Off the fencey? - Yeah. (laughs) - Yeah. I remember cutting somebody off and she was following me. And then I hit her car. - No. - It was a rental. - Her car was a rental? - Yeah. So I ended up having to pay for that entire car. - No way. Catching a lawsuit off Fanon is absolutely dialogue. - But like, I'm glad I had the insurance I had because I paid for everything. They paid for the lawyer that I didn't go to court once 'cause that lady sued me. And like, she, while she sued my insurance, which was the right thing to do. - Right. - Right? - You want money, right? - Yeah, right. - So if she did that, then she wanted to sue me personally. I was 22 years old. - That's crazy. - I was 22 years old. - That's so crazy. - And like, I turned 23, like, during the time she wanted to sue me. And she sent me a, like, not a cease and desist, or she sent me like a summons or some shit. Spilt my name wrong. - Did she? - Well, the lawyers felt my name wrong. - Okay. - It was like, C-A-N-D-A-E-C-E. - Like, that, they thought your name was Cadence? - Yeah. And there was this girl, I guess your day at work, they all wish me a happy birthday. And like, they're like, happy birthday Cadence, when I'm like, I'm not Cadence. - Cadence is not a bad name. - It's not a bad name, but like, I'm not Cadence. You might as well call me Cody, you know what I'm saying? - Oh man, now I know that I know what I'm gonna make my son. - Cody? - Cody? (laughs) - No, that's just diabolical, going to getting sued when you're on phone, all it just sounds like a unique life experience. - And like, the guy who sold me the phone mom, to like, kill themselves, like, a week later. - What? - Yeah. - We're in a simulation. - I know! (laughs) It's like the same pills, and I'm just like, oh God. - How did you find out he killed himself? - Twitter. - You found out through Twitter that your fan don't either kill himself. - Yeah. - This is how you shut down only you can really pull from the matrix. It's the whole... (laughs) - Let's talk about the matrix. So, have you even noticed, like, the older you get, it either gets easier, or it either gets harder? - Doesn't make the existing in it? - 'Cause I feel, yeah, I feel like, I feel like, 'cause how I have to think about it is that there's someone above me, right? Call it God, or call it my high, or self. What do you want to call it? They're in control of this, like, simulation. - I mean, they could, but they'd rather watch, they're passive, I feel like. - I think they should watch. - Unless, like, we, like, do some stupid shit, like, we're about to hit a car, and I'm like, oh shit. They finally wave the mouse, you know what I'm saying? - You see his character? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, I like that one. - I thought about this a lot. - Or, like, my Sims is like, player, or whatever that person, or whatever the fuck it is. And, like, the Sims, these days, our Sims, like, the game, it's having conversations about their existence. They're, like, I know the gamers are programming it, but, like, what the fuck? - What's happening? - I know. - I can't wrap my head around it. So, do you think that you, like, you know how some people think, like, they could be born and stuff? Do you think you chose to be here? - I was thinking about that. I was, like, to be born is, like, to die, and to, like, to be born. I think they're two sides of the same coin. I really do. - Yeah. - I feel like, 'cause, like, I don't remember being born. And, like, I feel like we're not gonna remember dying. You know? - You might end up in a whole different life. - Exactly. Well, I feel like, I believe in the whole quantum jump shit, too. - What is that? - Where it's, like, the moment you, like, feel like you're gonna die, or, like, you don't want me to do die in, like, one universe, or it's like, you, like, split off, you actually split off. But, like, we can't prove that. - You know what? - But we can't prove it's not true, though. That's what they're saying. They're, like, the quantum jump, the quantum suicide. It's, like, everything we die in. Like, if we die in this universe, say we die once. We split off into a universe where we didn't die. - So you're saying, essentially, that there's reality that exists at spot off from every one of your decisions you're making, and you aren't somewhere else experiencing the same thing, but at a different timeline. - Yeah, and, like, it also could be, like, a universe where, like, it's the same, nothing to do with my life, but everything external to me is different. Like, I live in China, or, like, some shit like that, you know? - Yeah, this one where your name is actually Cadence. - Yeah. - No, it's a, free world is such an interesting thing to me, you know, because, like, I've seen so many arguments for it, and against it, or some people think, like, "Everything's preordained," you know? Like, if you're gonna make a mistake, you're supposed to make it, you're going to make it, you know? It's just an interesting construct to think about, like, what they're not. You have any real will or what you're doing. - I believe in, like, if you want something to happen, it'll happen. - Yeah, for that would, too. It's the power of the mind, really. - Yeah. - Like, it almost attracts things to you. - Yeah. - But also, dangerously, it also has, you know? - Yeah, if your mind is freaked out, or if you're, like, anxious, you know, when you, like, start thinking about shit. - I've done that to myself, or, like, I'm, like, in a bad space, mentally, and it's almost like I'm just waiting for the next bad thing to happen, you know? - Yeah. - And that's such, like, it's such a hard space to get your mind out of, because when it's just going bad, you don't expect anything good to happen. - Yeah. - And you get what your mind is literally thinking, like, "Okay, what's the next thing?" And it's almost like you're beginning it by thinking like that way, you know? - Yeah, I feel, I feel for people who are, like, unemployed right now. Like, who can't get a job? 'Cause I don't know how that feels. Like, that was me, like, a year ago. I was like, "Oh, shit." It was, like, different, different. It's different from when I, like, had a job, like, two years before, when I was looking for one. - You had to go through it, though, and then what did you come? - I know, yeah. So, I love my job now. And, like, it's able to, for me to do this, do this shit, you know? - Yeah, and a beautiful place. Job, gotta go through it. - Yeah, no, it's tough out there. It really is. - Man, we're gonna do some fentanyl in here, like, 20 minutes. (laughing) - No, I don't wanna do fentanyl in here. - Okay, okay, okay, I'm sorry. Oh, that's right. We don't have a contact anymore. We need to eat often, so. - No, I don't, I, like I said, you know, there comes a point in your life where you're like, "I gotta stop." - I gotta stop doing fentanyl and crashing into people. - Yeah. - It's been six years. - It's a modern place, women. - It's been six, seven years. But, like, it took that experience for me to, like, fucking, like, snap out of it, because, like, I am facing 30 days in jail automatically and probably, like, get caught with, if I get caught driving under new funds. - Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. - You're good. - Look, I'm simply, you're on the podcast. (laughing) - No, that's an, that's a, that's a call. I have to, I'm gonna have to wait on. - Is it a girl? - It's a woman, yes. And, let's just say, like, we're not in the best terms. - Oh, no. - So, I'm pretty sure that was, like, we're not at odds, we're just, we haven't talked in a while. We were kind of-- - What's a while, like, a week? - No, longer than that. Well, we're kind of a thing, but she lives in Missouri. - Okay. - So, it's obviously, you know, it's hard when you, like, like somebody, but they live in a different state and-- - Did she, like, was she here? - She was here. And then, because her father had some problems with addiction and the family had to move back. - Oh, that's hard. - Yeah. - It should. - So, it's one of those where it's like, we kind of ended it, you know, and it didn't really end up in the best note. And then now she's been, like, messaging me, like, hey. (laughing) Yeah. - Like, hey. - I'm like, yeah, and she told me, she's like, right before the issue of messaging, she's like, do you still have ill feelings for me or something? She was like, 'cause if you do, just be brave and tell me to fuck off. (laughing) - Let me ask you something. - Yeah. - Do you believe in love, still? - Yeah, I do, romantic love is, I think, is much harder in a motograss on, too. But I think love, yeah, I do believe in love, for sure. - I do, too. - You have to, right? It's like, I don't know how to get by in this world if I don't, like, believe in something, like, that period probably-- - If you asked me, like, five months ago? - Well, you would say no. - I would be like, fuck no. You know what I mean? But I feel like I've healed from, like, 'cause my last ex was my last boyfriend, was, like, really jealous of me. We worked in the same place, and, like, I excelled, and, like, he didn't. - That's never good. - Well, he excelled, but then, like, he got fired. And, like, you know, and, like-- - Did you guys meet at work? - Yeah. - Oh, that's a dangerous game to play. I've played that game, I guess. - I'll never do that again. - I wouldn't ever do it again, either. - I'll never do that again. I feel like it takes, like, a couple times to learn. - Yeah. - This one's my second time doing that. - Don't share what you eat, right? - Exactly. - It's so hard, though, because when you're 20s and you have, like, especially office jobs, everybody in there's fucking. And it's so hard to not get a little bit of office pussy when you're working there, and your work sucks, you know? So you meet a girl, you know you shouldn't be involved with this girl you work with. But it's just, you know, the temptation is just there. I'm in my ex at work. - Oh, God. That's a lie, bro, that's a, it's never a good idea, but it's always fun. - At first, like, I thought that, you know, like, it was real, but it wasn't. And I look back, and I'm just like, duh. - The relationship? - Yeah. And I'm gonna look back, I'm like duh, duh, hello. Red flag, red flag, there's so many things I like ignored, or like, never experienced. And like, didn't know, it was like, not okay. And then I like, we broke up, and then like, he like, slattered my name, like a girl. - An internet? - Yeah. - That's a top girl movie. - Like a girl. - That's a top girl movie. - And like, he used M-D-M-A-Q, blah, blah, blah. - And what was he saying about it? He said, oh, she's on ketamine, she's crashing in the street. - Like, stupid shit, and like, I was just like, you know, and the M, the N-word. - No, no, no man should ever do that. - And like, I know, and I was like, I was like, literally, you put a girl, you know? - Yeah. - So, I, for a while, I was like, I don't wanna be with anybody. If like, 'cause he was way older than me? No, way older, like. - How much you talking? - I was 24, 23, 24. He broke up with me like two weeks after my birthday. - A whole new book. - But he was 28. - Oh, it's not that much older. - No, he was my age now, so last day of being 28. - Is that the biggest gap you dated? - Like age gap, or even just like, what's the oldest person you've even had any relationship with? Like, the biggest gap in age. - Oh, God, you don't wanna know? - I do wanna know. - No, you don't. - I'll tell you mine, I'll tell you mine for years. - God. - More than 20, more than 15? - Yeah. - Yeah? - More than 20. - More than 20? - Yeah. More than 30. - More than 30? - Wait, am I doing the math? Wait, how am I? Yeah. Oh, damn, you're an expert at this. - I'm gonna add, like, Eli. - What is the appeal of older men? - I'm a whore. - Yeah, me too, I know. (laughing) - Oh, let me know, actually, on the record, I'm a previous whore. - I'm a previous whore too, I think about like, how I used to whore around. Like, I talked about it like a lot. Like, a year ago, two years ago. Mainly two years ago. And I'm just like, what was it all for? (laughing) Experience. - Do you know that? - Just the experience. - I just, you know, I thought about it 'cause I was like, there's something psychological about how I just, like, for two years, just fuck everybody. - Just say whore. - Just say whore. Like, I didn't go back to, like, my past and like, was like, hey, you know what I mean? I want to, I've always wanted to, like, F year or whatever, you know? I like, saw that out of new people, always. And, like, I would always like, like, I'd fuck somebody up and be like, okay, bye, next. - Oh yeah, that's how you know you're whore mode. (laughing) But sometimes you got to get that out of you, you know? But you make a lot of mistakes. It's a lot of weird conversations. - A lot of weird conversations, a lot of like, there was a lot of drugs involved, wasn't with me. - Yeah. - Was my experience. And like, I feel like there had to be, in order to like, get through all that for me. But like, I've done it all. - Right. - I feel like I've done it all. And I feel like, like, I like someone right now that's like, younger than me, and I feel like, I would owe them that. - Oh, then what? - That experience. - Their whole phrase? - Yeah. I'd have to. 'Cause like, I feel like, if they had a whole phase and like, they're done with it, or like, you let it out or something, what they wanted to fuck. And they like, still wanted to like, be in a relationship. I'd be like, okay, are you done? - You would give them the past, you're saying? - 'Cause I did it. - Right. - I don't expect someone to like, be pure and like, be with me after I've done that. - That's why you lie about it. - And I want to lie about it! - Oh my God. I'm gonna hear your number after the podcast. - Do you know there's people? - There's another. - No, there's like, huh? - It's your number. - Wait, I can't stay on the podcast. - Okay, I can't, right, y'all can't have a wait. - Yeah, put it down. - Yeah, but like, I fucking... - I knew good girl, I had a, I can't say her name, but she was a prolific whore when you say this, and this is a positive thing. But she had, her body, her number was over three digits, right? And she used to have, they're talking about, she had a-- - What's so is mine? - She had it, that's impressive. She had an Excel spreadsheet, right? And she would write the person where they fucked, how they fucked, and she kept it in like Excel. It was the most organized shit I've ever seen. - I pretty God, I'm not in someone's like fucking-- - Excel sheet? - Yeah, I'm like, I'm pretty God, I'm not in someone's excel sheet, like-- - Oh no. - These are her tattoos, like, this is where she's like, this is how it was, like, oh, what the fuck? - I've never seen such a sexual diary like that, but I didn't know people did that. - People do that! - People are weird, people are fucking weird. It's like, I met the weirdest people, and like-- - On your, on your, on your whole face? - Yeah, I met the weirdest, I met the weirdest freaks, and like, you would have never guessed. - You saying you freaked with the best of them? - Not the best of them, but like, I mean, like, not all the time. - You're like, oh, okay, much a regular cop, let's be real. - I'm like, I tried it all. Why fucking Mexican, black, fucking-- - You really want good fucking being a whore. - I was like, I felt like a whole, I felt like a real whore. Like, I was just like, what the fuck? I fucked this pin. - Really? - Yeah. - Are you Asians? - No. - Oh, that's your next point. - I was, but like, he was creepy. He was being creepy. - I'm sure you met so many fucking creepy people. - I mean like, me too, like, like, I went on like, like, hook up things, you know what I mean? I wasn't like-- - What were you meeting all these people? Like, hook up sites. - Oh, really? So you were like, farmers meet all the chips. - So like, no, like, like, if you go on like, you're like, phone, like your app, the app store, if you type in like, dating. - Dating? - Yeah. - You know, and there's like-- - So all these people are just off apps. - Yeah. - Whoa. - So-- - Good for it. - So, yeah, so I was just like, whatever. - You went for it. I gotta hear some more about this later. - Oh man, well at least you don't have to-- - I've never told anybody that I was a whore, that I used to be a whore. - I'm bad with talkin' to like, no. - I know. - And you know what, though I respect that, because you're no longer a whore, and you had a good run. - Yeah, I waited a good, like, year for me to like, be like, okay, like, but I haven't downloaded any apps. - So you're not on apps now? - No. - That's good. - No, I-- - Academy no apps. - No, like, Academy was in college. - Oh yeah, of course. - So, like, you know, no Academy, like, no, like, nothing. So it's just been like, we, you know what I'm saying? - We didn't podcast. - We didn't podcast. - I've never been on any of the apps. I'm kind of, for the same reason, I don't know, I don't think that that would be good for me. To, for the same reason of like, trying not to-- - It got, it got addicting. - Really? - Yeah, it really did, because it, like, it got me, like, like, the whole, it got, I got a brush from, like, meeting someone, like, going there and, like, having sex, and I'm just like, this is dangerous. So, like, I've made myself stop. - Yeah, but you kind of like the danger of what you're doing. - Yeah, but like, three times in a row where I was like, chasing, like, this danger, I was like, Candice, like, someone's gonna chop you up. - Yeah, you're gonna die. - Yeah, that's what I got to, your way. I was like, someone's gonna chop you slice and dice you, chain you up, make, make you their slave, and then kill you, rape you every day. - Oh my god. - I was like, what's, like, the last guy I hooked up with, he turned out to be, like, a BDSM freak. - Really, how'd you figure that out? - 'Cause he told me to take a quiz, and like, he was like, offering me alcohol, and I didn't wanna drink it, 'cause I was like, what if you put something in here? - BDSM is you do things to him. - No, like, he wanted me to take a quiz, he would kinda like, get you in person I was, and he, like, he's like, well, take a quiz, not tell you what I am, like, okay, like, tell him he was like a dominant type, so he turned out he was a dominant type, and then like, in the middle of sex, his electricity cuts out, and I was like, thank God. He's like, I have to leave till I go pay him, like, thank God, I was like, fucking left. - You were on the edge of life right there. - Yeah. - But you are, that's so crazy. He had a, he told me he's like, only good girls go in the back room, and there was a spring in there. - Did you get in this one? - No, but God, I'm glad it wasn't a good girl, you know what I mean? Like, I'm glad that it's fucking, I feel like his electricity cut off, was my fucking like, Hail Mary, you know what I mean? - It's so crazy, you know, you saw it as your chance to run, you're like-- - Yes! - You're like, I gotta go. - Oh yes, 'cause it's like, you only get, you get, I feel like, intuition is a real thing. - Right. - And I feel like you get those thoughts, because it's like, oh shit. - You're like, something's gonna happen. - Something's gonna happen to me. So I fucking stopped, 'cause I'm just like, I'm working it, I'm like, I'm on the bad side of odds here. - What's those streams, like, out of all the partners through that, like, two year run, like, what's the one of the strangest things that a guy asked you to do, like-- - He was an asshole, and fuck him. - He asked you to be an asshole? - Yeah, even one guy asked me to fuck him. - With, like, a-- - Yeah. - Did you do it? - Yeah. - How was that? - I felt like, I didn't feel like a man. I thought I was. - He thought you felt like a man in it? - I felt like a, like, I don't have to explain this. I felt like a, like a, like a dominant teacher, 'cause like, a sex worker, or like a, like, I felt like I should've been wearing my, like, latex or something. I felt like, I felt pity for him. - Because you were fucking him? - No, because he came from it. - Oh, I'm sure he did. - He came, like, but like the way he came, he like, he was like, ugh. (laughs) - You've been inside a man, that's impressive. - Well, okay, let me explain. I get there. He's got this jumble, like, fucking, flaxford porn. - Playing. - Porn playing. - You or sound? - Like, sound, but like, it's not like, blasting. It's like, I'm like, I'm like 24. - This is when you walk in, it's on. - Yeah. - Oh, that's wild. - And he has a tub, like, like, this big. Full of dildos. - He's a professional freak. - Yeah. - He has a tub? - Yeah, he has a tub, like full of dildos. - A tub of dildos. - A tub of dildos. - That's the name of the episode. - Yeah, a tub of dildos. - How did you choose which one? - I guess he had a favorite, it was black, I like that. - Did he have a cool one? - Oh yeah, I feel like only a few could hook up to a strap. - Right. - So he strapped me up, I was naked, he strapped me up, and then like, fucking, he's like, lubed his ass. He lubed his own ass. - Really? - Yeah. - It's not his first rodeo, right? - No, no, no, no. And then like, he like, lubed up the cock, it was black. And I'm like, is it because I'm black? (laughing) - He likes, look, dude, I'm not even doing this, but can I get another one? Can I get a neon green? Can I get that purple, can I get that pink? - You know what's cool though, is you had the opportunity to choose your dick, men never get that one. - I never got the opportunity to choose my dick either, but like, he just chose it. That's what I'm saying, I wonder if he only had a couple that like, hooked up to a strap. (laughing) - Oh my God, this is amazing. - And then, fucking, it took like 80 seconds. - For him to bust? - Yeah. - Really? - Yeah. - You knocked it out the park. - I guess. I was like, I don't know what the fuck to do. I was like, what do we, what do we do? And like, like the whole time I was like, do I just do it like the guys have been doing me? - Right. - So I was just like imagining, I was like imagining like I was, it was the first. - Right. - And I was like, what am I doing? The whole time in my head, I was like, what the fuck? - You've never thrust yourself into something. - No! - So like the whole time I was like, what am I doing? (laughing) - I'm giving you the black guilt of your prayer. - And then it was like, and then it just fucking shot up. Like I said, it just come like shot up and like, it went in his like, his um, his belly button. - No. - And he was like, and then he's like, okay, pull it out. And I'm like, okay. And then. - Why does it sound like you became traumatized? - This is not about to tell you. I pull it out, and then like this ash jelly, like comes out of his ass. - Whoa. You can never look at him. - I can never look at, I can never look at. - That's what he was into. - I could never look at pegging, or like the whole, I could never look at myself this day. I was like, what the fuck did you do? - What did I do? This is gonna go crazy in the Excel sheet tomorrow. I had a girlfriend who really wanted to do that to me. - Really? - And she was aggressive about it. And it really was not the way to go about it. She was, I don't know why she was so predominantly like wanting to do that. And I was like, I'm gonna have to say no to that one. I was wondering that though, I'm just gonna be, did it not actually talk to someone who's had the experience? 'Cause I wondered. What does that come from? You know, what does that urge come from? - I never had the urge. It was when like I woke up and was like, I wanna fuck God in the ass. I was just like, I was just down. You know what I mean? - Oh my God. - I feel pressured. Like I would have walked out of like, if I was like, I don't wanna do this. Like once I saw the dildos, I kind of knew what was happening. - Yeah. You see it's how the dildos, you fucking strap up. - I kind of knew what was happening when I, yup. - Yup. - Yup. - Half when I left I was like, I think I should have been paid for that. - Oh man. Now you really notice like to feel like it's a man. No thanks. It's a thankless job. You don't get paid. - Oh God. - It's a lot of work. - It's a lot of work. - 'Cause you're just like, you don't know if you don't like, you gotta go like this. - Yeah. You can't be a pillow princess when you got strapped up. You know, you gotta put, it's that time to put work in. - Then there's like, his legs is a little more like, he held his own leg. Like I appreciate that. - Wait. He was on his back. - Yeah. - That is somehow he gonna go again. - I was standing, I was standing up. - I assume that he was dogging the whole time, but when you said the come in his bellybone, that makes sense now. - Yeah. - No. - No. - He held his own legs. - Yeah. - No. - Like that, like he held his own legs. And like, 'cause like he was on a, you know those like, those benches where he like lift weights? - Yes. - He was on that. - No. - Yeah, he laid down and he was on it. - Whoa. - Yeah. He, he, he was an engineer. And he had his, it was in his office. - Like a sound engineer? - I have an engineer. - He was an engineer. - He was an engineer. He was like, he had a thick accent, he was like emigrant, like. - Wow. You fucked an emigrant in the ass. - Yeah. - Look at you. - I know, welcome to America. - Welcome to America. - America. - Man, this really is a line of all parts of everything. - No, it's not very, he probably talks about it 'til his daily. He's like, there's probably like, oh my god, there's one black girl fucked me in the ass. - Oh my god. - He said, of course I gave her the black one. - Oh my god. (laughing) - This guy is truly something special. - Oh god. - I don't think you'll ever forget that. On your death bed, you're gonna, I'm glad I got it out. You're like, you're like the person to tell. 'Cause I have friends deal with it. I have like friends. - Hey, what does that get you the same? - No. - They're better not you. - They're gonna laugh. They're gonna laugh. - Yeah. - You know? - It's a great story. It's a podcast, a material. - Yeah. - The, the tub of dildo. That's like a crazy imagery. You put him all in a tub? - He put him all in a tub and like, what got me is how he lubed himself up and how, 'cause he got the lube and like, on the, on the, on the dildo. - Whoa. - That was like, 'cause like, my concern was like, am I gonna hurt this guy? But like, apparently not. And then his asshole was pretty, he was like, pretty open. - Right. - Wow. - So I feel like he did it a lot, like maybe to himself. - To answer your question, yes, it is hard in the matrix. (laughs) Is that how this started? - This is the matrix for you, this guy. - Yeah. Like, so. - Tup of dildos. - Yeah, tub of dildos. So I'm just like, does he just sit on a dildo all day and does his engineering job? 'Cause his asshole was so agate. Like, it was just. (laughs) - Oh my God. - Like, it was already like, winking out of here. - I don't want this guy. I hope he's not a civil engineer, 'cause I don't want this guy anywhere near building bridges. I don't want. - He was some type of engineer. Like, he had like. - I might have taken a look at this. - He had like, things around his office. Like, things that were like, you can tell they're like prototypes. They were like, things he built with like. - He was an intervention. - Yeah, like. - This might be the burden of his genius. - It's up. - He only, - His only time. - His only time. - His only time. - His only time is getting much better than that. - It's a burden of his genius. Other than that, he's been creating shit. - 'Cause like, my burden of my genius has always been like, my addictions. - Yeah. - But like, I feel like it's always been in like, with the art, it's always been a love-hate relationship. - With your addiction. - Yeah. 'Cause I feel like, some of the best art I've created, I was fucked out of my mind. You don't understand. - Yeah, yeah. - Like, you like, and I sometimes I feel like, sometimes I get it with some artists feel like, they can't do certain things unless XYZ is in place. Like, unless they have like an auto-tune, or unless they have like a fucking, unless it's a full moon or some shit. Like, some shit, you know? Like, I get it. Because it's like, at least to me, like, my best stuff came when I was like, bonkers. And like, but then I looked back and I'm like, you weren't healthy. You know what I mean? Like, I'm like, you're losing your mind. Like, you look crazy. And like, you still have, to like, fucking, you know, like, not a good way. - Right. It is a fine line, you know? - It's a fine. It's a very, very, very thin line. And all it takes is like, like, for me, all it takes is like, missing two days of sleep. Actually, like four. - You went four days without sleeping before? - Yeah. - Oh, that's pretty impressive. - And it's not on purpose? - Yeah. - And I was thinking at that point, I'm sure. - Well, I start like, the imagination gets rapid. Like, you know, like, you're, you have an imagination, right? And it's like, it's going. But then imagine like, you're not sleeping. And then it's just like at a pace that's uncontrollable. It's like, you're listening to YouTube, you're driving, you're smoking weed. You're like, fucking, or at least you're having weed. And like, you're trying to look at the map and like, redirection. It's like, there's so much stimuli going on. - Yeah. It reminds me of Adderall. Won't you describe me? - Yeah, I have it. - That's how I am on Adderall. - Yeah, I have to like, that's how I am with like, out it. - You might actually need it. - Well, I do, but like, I cut it, I'm gonna cut myself off for a few months. - You're still on it? - No, not right now. - Oh, okay. - That's good, it's hard, it's a very addictive drug. - It is. I've held people get off of it, 'cause I get off of it like maybe like, once a year for like a few months. 'Cause I get it prescribed. - Right. - And like, I don't, I used to have this relationship with it, that was just like very unhealthy, until I realized I'm like, look, if you wanna, if you want your days to like not suck, you have enough for every fucking day. Stop taking a lot during like the first week of the month and then it's all gone. - Jeez. - Yeah. - You gotta remember it, it's infinitely good. - 'Cause that's how it would party, that's how I would do it. I would just be like, all right, wake up, like, la la la la la la la la. You know, like fucking 24 hours later, there's like a hundred Instagram stories. It's like fucking like, you know what I'm saying? - Yeah, you're spazzed. - Spazzed. - Spazzed on it, yeah. - Spazzed on it, and then so, what else do you used to do? - It's like the joint pain, the muscle aches, and it all catches up to you. - Right. - And then you get to a point where you're like, I can't do this anymore. And then I feel like a lot of people who listen, they've gone to that point 'cause like my top five is this one about relationships that I did this year, Adderall, and then how to quit Adderall. - People can relate to it. - I had no idea. - Right. - I had no idea 'cause this has been like a thing of mine for 12 years now. - Adderall? - Yeah. - Wow. - Because like without it, like I can't, it's not like I can't get out of bed. I can, but like to perform like, I wouldn't be a good performer at my job without it. My song is true. I didn't have it growing up in school. I didn't know that, like it was a thing. I didn't know that ADHD was a thing, but then again, I didn't have a cell phone, half, like I feel like the phone has a lot to do with like ADHD and adults these days. - Like sending people's like intention spings and things like that. - Yeah, I can't speak on like kids in the 80s. - Mm-hmm. - You know what I mean? 'Cause they didn't have phones or the internet. But like, I feel like a lot of them are misdiagnosed as like hyperactive, they were just naughty. - Right. - Or they're just, it's a kid being a kid. - Right. - And they get prescribed out of all and the next thing you know, they've been on it for 15 years and they're 35, you know? - Yeah, I don't want to enter my 30s on it. - Right. - I don't want to enter my 30s on anything. I feel like I want to shed that like identity. I know like my art name is M.D.M.A.Q. and that's always gonna view what it is. But like, it doesn't have to be always associated with drugs. (bell dings) - You know what I'm saying? - Yeah, I'm gonna talk to you. I'm sorry. Turn this off. - No, we should get going in a little bit. - Let's do it. We're gonna drink to Addis. No, Candace, no longer, (laughs) Candace, no longer being on that at all. - Candace, no longer being on that at all. - And we're gonna drink to that. - Yay. - No fan off. - No fan off. - No fan off. - No way. - And that was the last tug. I think I could say this. That was the last tug of a dildo, is you ever gonna say this? - That's the last tug of a dildo, though. There's a lot of time gonna ever be chopped up. - Oh man, this engineer guy has something going on. - God. - Wow. You did that for him, though. - I didn't block him after that. I was like, (laughs) I literally-- - I'm gonna play a game and then you blocked him. - On the way home, I blocked him. I was like, I will never face him in the daylight. (laughs) - You guys, thank you for coming on the Addis podcast. - Oh my God, it's such an honor. (laughs) - The fact that you have stories like this shows-- - Oh, yeah, I'm a lot more, I'm a lot more. And I feel like, you know, we should have someone else. I feel like the next time we come back, it'll be more advanced. Think about it. We're in my kitchen. We're still in my kitchen. But it's different, though. We're in downtown. There's a city view. - It's beautiful. - There's a stand with my sticker on it. - We're doing it. - We're doing it. - We're doing it. - We're not drinkin' to that tonight. - I will, too. I hope they have some cool drinks that wherever the fuck we're goin'. 'Cause I definitely wanna go to Stardust. But anyways, thanks for coming on the line, yeah. - Thank you for having me. - You're welcome. - Bye!