The Manic Candice Podcast
Self Love & Loathing
[music] Hello, hello, hello, hello! Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Man in Candice podcast. It's your girl Candice back at it again with another episode this morning. Our second episode of the day of the day, of the day, we're listening to City of Evil instrumentals by Event 7 Fold. Hands down my number one album. I fought to have this album in my repertoire when I was 10, when I was 10 years old. I couldn't imagine giving my little brother, little brother, sister, the City of Evil album. Fuck that. Before we hop on into the episode about self-love and self-loathing, visit the links in the description. Follow us on Instagram at the Man in Candice podcast and at MDMAQ. Visit my website MDMAQ.com for fine art prints and coloring books. If you'd like to sponsor the podcast, if you like your ad here in the beginning, middle, and end of the podcast, contact me at info@mdmaq.com and visit the Patreon. Tier 1 of the Patreon gets you a fine art print and a digital commission. Tier 2 gets you everything in Tier 1, except to get a painting commission. Tier 3 is everything in Tier 2, except to get a charcoal commission. Free shipping, $10 for Tier 1, $25 for Tier 2, $50 for Tier 3. That's every month and you get new art every month. ♪ Makes us drink the poison ♪ ♪ Wonderful ♪ ♪ Decaded with our kings ♪ ♪ Falling now is Babylon the Great ♪ You guys, this album raised me. You guys have no idea. I think I told this story before, but I'll tell it again. My mom caught me riding 666 on my fourth-grade agenda. And she was like, "Where did you get this from?" And I was like, "Event 7 fold?" And she took my event 7 fold 3D and she took it to work, she confiscated it. And basically, I had to write her a letter to get my CD back. She threw away the CD and we had to go to Target to print so I can get a new one. I know, cute, right? I fought for my right to rock and roll. So today's episode is about self-loathing and self-love. Self-love was something that was never instilled in me from the beginning of my developmental years. At no fault of anyone's own, I'm not trying to like bash my mom or bash my grandma or my grandpa. Or even my great-grandparents. I come from a long line of poverty. So I feel like because of that, the focus was more on survival instead of trying to provide the best childhood ever. Does that make sense? I feel like it's easy for a child to not... I feel like the principles of self-love, whatever they are. Because as I look throughout my family and I'm trying to bash my family but my entire family, not just my extended family, I don't think anyone loves themselves enough to change their situation. And I'm trying to break that chain, break that generational curse, that familial curse. There are a lot of curses, generational curses, and I'll talk about that in the next episode. But I just feel like this one of lack of self-love, I hate to bash my family and put them on blast, but like I don't think anyone loves themselves. And it's no wonder, like I said, they live on the reservation. So it begs the question, is it impossible to love yourself when you live in poverty? Because there are things that I do to practice self-love and they may be silly but they do cost money. Because for me, for someone like me, I had a lot of negative self-talk and I'll talk about that in a little bit. But I'm not someone who could think their way out of it. I'm someone who has to show action towards myself, that exhibit self-love. And I think that my acts of self-love are my acts of service to myself. I really value when I don't want to, when I do things that I don't want to do, that's when I know I love myself. Like for example, the dishes, I hate doing the dishes. But I do them because it's important to have clean dishes, it's important to have a clean house, it's important to keep the bugs away. And it's important to just be presentable at all times. Stay ready so you don't have to get ready. If a camaraderie is ready, we'll never go away. It just fuels my blood. I will help you know that it was your hospital. I'll fight till the end. I can't trust anyone doing it. See it in my eyes. Now I can't understand. It's all about brings your love. You guys have no idea. Every day, at night, I would pretend that I was going to sleep, and then I would get my CD player. This is how old I am. I would get my CD player and my headphones. My headphones with the phone, you already know, and play this album over and over and over and over again. I know every single lyric will not really, but like every single guitar note, I know it. Do you guys know I used to play guitar and piano? I think because I'm the baby of the family, meaning I was the first first baby, like my mom was the first to bring a child home in like 20 years. So I think because of that, a lot of trial and error was done on me when it came to like parenting. That phrase, it takes a village to raise a child. It really does. I was raised by my grandma, my aunt, my uncles, and my mom. And I'm very thankful for that, the different palette of figures. I can go to any one of them for help. Let me live. I'm tired of you, oh. I know there's someone out there that knows these lyrics and that scene with me. Each hour will miss you, oh. So far away. Far away. Let me take a hit. Hey! My self-loathing started at an early age. I would say like eight years old. I remember dieting and working out, trying to change my image. You know, like going against puberty, you know what I mean? Because when you go through puberty, right after eight years old, you gain a lot of weight. But my self-loathing started very early. I hated my body. I really hated my body and like the trauma of hating my body. I still have residual trauma from that. You guys, I picked myself apart every single day, like, hold on. Like I said, I picked apart my body piece by piece in the mirror. Every time I would go to the bathroom, I would lift my shirt up. And I would just criticize my stretch marks. I would just criticize my breasts, my double chin, my teeth, my hair, how frizzy it was, my skin color, my height, the color of my knees, the color of my elbows, acne that I had, and that that criticism, that intentional criticism turned into automatic, manifested itself into automatic, negative self-talk. It, my criticism evolved into me waking up and automatically thinking thoughts of your ugly, your fat, your undesirable, your ugly, your fat, your desirable. And like, it would, it would vary in different thoughts like no one would ever want you or it'd be more specific, like your crush doesn't want you. You would never get any guy that looks like this. Like all, all of the things that bullies have said to me, like for instance, there's Sierra Calderon, Jeffrey Calderon's sister. She stuck a stick near my vagina and she was like, this is the closest action you're gonna get because no guy ever wants to fuck you. I was in the sixth grade. You will never forget anything like that. What a bitch. My being so naturally tearing my body apart. My biggest fear was being naked. I, I think that's the number one reason why I was a virgin until I was 18 was because I didn't want to be naked in front of anybody. At all. Like, I was not taking the chance. Like, the only reason why I was comfortable being naked in front of like certain people is because they also had body issues. But these years I lived a lot. (Music) This whole album is about the return of Christ and the book of revelations. We can get really nerdy on that if you want to, but people are gonna think I'm insane. So we can't do that. I can't have people thinking I'm even more insane than I am. I always teased a lot for my weight, my height, my hair and my nose. I grew into my nose, but like for a second there, my nose, I looked like Shrek for a for a hot second and not Fiona like Shrek. Because I know you want art for me, but I'm only giving out art for my Patreon. For $10 you can get a fine art digital print every month and a fine digital commission. For $25 you get everything into your one, but you also get a painting commission. For a tier three for $50 every month you get everything into your two for free shipping. You also get a charcoal commission as well. So hop on to the links in the description and visit the Patreon. If you would like your company, your business, your next event promoted at the podcast, listen, I have a thousand, about a thousand listeners in the last 30 days and I'm growing. 631 plus counting downloads in the last two weeks. I'm a good bet. So if you would like to have me sponsor your brand, your product, anything at the beginning of the podcast, the middle of the podcast, and the end of the podcast, that's three slots for the price of one. Email me at info@mdmingq.com. Visit my website www.mdmingq.com for fine art prints and for coloring books. Release your inner creativity. And I highly recommend coloring pencils like Prismacolor or even the Crayola. I bought this skin colored Crayola color pencils and crayons just to test them out on the paper that I have the coloring books printed on and color pencils for the win. There are a lot more sustainable and cheaper and plus they don't break. So there you go. And it's hot outside. You don't want the crayons to melt. Follow me on Instagram @mdmingq and follow the podcast on Instagram @themannandcanaspodcast. Thank you so much. Now to continue. Oh, this is a good song. You guys, when I used to get my hair relaxed and like I lost all my hair after one hair appointment, the lady over processed my hair by leaving the relaxer in too long. It was burning my scalp and then it went numb and then it started burning again. And then like the relaxer washed out. She was able to blow dry my hair and she was able to flat iron it. But like the next day I woke up and my hair, my pillow was full of my hair. And it was picture day and my hair just kept falling out. It was coming out in chunks. My mom was brushing away chunks of hair. And my hair is barely growing again. In the past two years my hair has experienced so much growth because I started taking care of it. I started taking care of myself. I started taking steps towards self-love and that I thought self-love was like literally telling myself positive affirmations in the mirror and buying myself things. And that's not what it is for me. It might be for you. I'm not trying to take away from your experience. But like for me self-love looks like like I said doing the dishes doing things I don't like to do. Like doing my makeup every morning looking my best. Do you think I like doing that every day? Do you think I like smiling for the camera all the time? I do it because it makes me look good. It makes me feel good. And sorry I'm punching but I really mean this. Self-love is hard and that's what makes it worth self-loving because it is hard. It takes effort. It takes no effort to hate yourself. I hope this podcast inspires you if you are not on a journey of self-love to start. I mean saving money and like for example I have to pay my car insurance. I have to pay my car. I have to pay for it to get repaired which is $500 and like I'm dreading it. But like it's an act of self-love because I want a nice car. I want a nice appearance. I want to upkeep my vehicle. My vehicle gets me from point A to point B. My vehicle is what gets me to Ulta. My vehicle is what gets me to work. My vehicle is what gets me to see my family. So I break everything I don't want to do. Everything I don't feel like doing. There's a resistance there because I truly believe that subconsciously I have a negative I have an evil version of myself that wants to tear everything down. And that's where the resistance comes from. Anything that's going to serve me like cleaning the house. Eating right. Working out. Saving money. Anything that's going to serve me for the better. Maybe not instantly. But in the end there's a resistance because it is a part of me subconsciously that just wants to do bad. That is negative. And I call that like the evil agent. Call it a devil, call it a demon. Whatever you want to call it. I call it an adversary, an inner adversary. You are your own worst enemy. That's just my philosophy. It doesn't come from religion. Even though I said devils and demons it's just something that you could personify and put a name to. Take a trip with me. Don't be surprised when things are worth it. And if I'm a star these good ideas will take your brain apart. By unifying me. To wear, to wear, to wear much to wear a dime. Too weird to live but much too rare to die. This song is awesome, it's called Trash and Scattered. Like I mentioned earlier, my hair was completely gone and that created a whole degree of self-hate for me. So it was like boom I hated my body and then my hair is gone, then I hate my hair. And then I just hate myself and then I started attacking my character. I started hating that I was too nice, that I wasn't assertive, that I was a pushover, that I was the third wheel, that I was never like a first pick for friendship, for girlfriend, for nothing. So that manifested, like I said earlier, it manifested in negative self-talk, that became automatic and it was devastating. I would wake up and my first thoughts were your failure, ugly or worthless, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. And then it was constant, it was like having PTSD, like as often as I thought about my traumatic event as a child, I thought about how much I hated myself. I don't want to completely attribute myself hate towards what happened to me as a child anymore because I've grown from that, I've forgiven my abuser for that so I could move on and now I'm able to look at different avenues like that time I lost my hair or that time I went anorexic. And why I went anorexic was years of self-loathing. Me, when it came to hating my body, that manifested into something I thought was positive, when I started losing weight, I did do it the right way for the first 40 pounds, but the next 40 pounds, the next 20 to 40 pounds, like I did it the wrong way, I starved myself, I made myself throw up, listen to anorexic 2 obese episode from season 2, I believe, if you want more information about that, if you want to hear about that. Where was I going with this? But basically, when I went anorexic, that was a manifestation of behaviors that were self. It was like the negative self-talk manifested into physical reality and me throwing up and me starving. And me, like every time I would put on, like I would step on the scale every like five times, five to ten times a day, every time I went pee, I would step on the scale, like ridiculous. Listen to the episode, it's very interesting. My self-loathing lasted about 15 years, so from 8 years old to about 23, was that 15 years, about rough giver tape, sorry if my math is wrong, but by the time I knew I had a problem with self-hate and that I, it already reeked, I already reeked of self-hate, already looks like I didn't take care of myself, I already looked like I didn't like myself and that just gave the floodgates away for people to mistreat me. It's no wonder that I was mistreated a lot in friendships and in romantic relationships and even with strangers because I didn't love myself and when you don't love yourself, when you actually are so deep in self-loathing, it reeks. People can sense it on you and they treat you accordingly. By the time I knew I had a problem with my, with loving myself, the damage was done. I was sleeping with whoever and whenever and it didn't matter to me. I was doing the most for the gram when it came to like posting selfies and stuff. I would give people the time of day that I didn't need the time of day because I liked the attention. I didn't do my hair, my hygiene was off, like my depression, I allowed my depression to get out of control. I was always looking at the negatives. I mean, I was always avoiding looking at the negatives. I was always avoiding my problems. Does that make sense? But I knew I had to make a change about a year ago. So I started taking steps. I was like, all right, let me, let me look that, what that looked like was um, I started taking inventory of my faults. Like, okay, you're a horror. You hate yourself and not the problem. You don't take care of your body. You don't take care of your hair. You don't take care of your teeth. You don't take care of nothing. So, um, do, do, do, do. I see my vision, but I'm too young to worry. Rest in peace, revs. Before I get into acts of self-love, I wasn't taking care of myself before a year ago. I relished in my self-destructive behavior a year ago and like a part of me knew enough was enough. And so I finally like began to fix my home. I was like, you know what, let me fix my environment. So I started going to Ross and looking in the home section and like started prioritizing buying home stuff rather than buying weed and cigarettes and other drugs. I started taking a look at my problems, taking inventory of my problems. I was a pillhead. I had a problem with Adderall and Xanax. I had a problem with other drugs. I had a problem with weed and cigarettes. I had a problem with the type of men that I allowed in my life and my body. I had a problem with spending. Like, I was, and I had a problem with my mental health. So I was allowed to, and I had a problem with my apartment, my environment, and my overall happiness and well-being. So I began to give myself permission to take steps to better my life. And my life is so much different than it is 12 months ago, you guys. It's night and day. And that's because I took the steps to do things that were difficult that I knew would put me in a better position for me to love myself, losing weight, saving money, getting a better job, choosing to set boundaries. And that was huge was choosing to set boundaries against myself, against other people. I hope this podcast episode inspires you to embark on a journey of self-love. And stop the journey of self-hate. Thank you for listening to the Man of Candidates podcast again. We are about to pass a thousand downloads for the past 30 days. For the month of June, we were at 631 downloads. The last time I looked was about 20 minutes to go. Hop on to the Patreon by visiting the description below. You will find the link to the Patreon, the Instagram on my website. You guys already know the deal. I'm not going to bore you with the descriptions of the tiers anymore, but they are $10, $25, and $50, respectively. Once again, good night, good morning, good evening, good afternoon. Thank you for streaming the Man of Candidates podcast on Spotify or at the podcast. Follow us on either of those platforms. I bid you a deal, good night, good morning, good evening, good afternoon. Sorry, I'm just excited about my success. And that's all thanks to you. Thanks. [Music]