Week 4 of "Finding Peace"!
Emotionally Unavailable
Episode 48: Shadows of Pain (Anonymously Unavailable with Jane Doe - Finding Peace Week 4)
They're all there. Yeah, yeah, just those two just wreaking all the havoc and I'm in the trenches with you, baby And I'll lay here and I'll cover myself with camo or anything else you need in this moment, honey But I will tell you that's abusive I don't like space and that's why we love them so much because they made us work our asses off for them That's the only reason we ever chase these my fuckers to begin with that I want to so I treat my kids the same way, but I don't follow through with any of it I don't love them. Yeah, no, I don't have that thing that kicks you over the edge You know, I just have the thing that makes you verbally criticize everybody You know to the edge no results though Or everybody be on their phones whatever the case maybe I'm not gonna act like fucking Pollyanna over here, but Like yeah, your house is a fucking wreck. It is Baby You are not protecting shit. You are hurting helping others (Music) Welcome to emotionally unavailable the podcast where we dive deep into the world of emotional availability and intimacy I'm your host Melissa hepner and I can't tell you how excited I am to have you join me on this journey of self discovery and connection Whether you're navigating the complexities of relationships or exploring your own emotional landscape This podcast is here to inspire empower and entertain so get cozy and let's explore the depths of human emotions together Hey guys, welcome to anonymously unavailable with Jane Doe episode 10 This is week four of finding peace And today we discuss the shadows of shame, which is my favorite and I'm so excited So I hope you guys enjoy Okay, well, this is my favorite part of the whole thing You were very excited about your learning. So I want to hear about it Well, so I had heard you kind of talk about all of the different little shadows of shame And so I could kind of like through the powers of deductive reasoning figure out like what they were or whatever But when I went through and I read it, I was like, oh Okay, it is actually makes so much sense and the kind of um So I don't have them all like I imagine Yeah, I don't have them all like pegged. Yeah, who they are and what they look like and all of that I don't have all of that yet, but I didn't until she was asking me on the podcast. I had given it too much consideration Okay, so that's my goal is to like but I to kind of like give them more of a name But I will tell you after I read there and I was like, oh, I really only two of them I mean, I have all of them. They're all there. Yeah. Yeah, just those two just wreaking all the havoc But man, they do some overtime like And I My royal This is great. It's from now on When you're not super like involved emotionally in a in a situation and you back up As people are speaking, you'll be naming which shadows of shit Yes, I'm like, I'm judging you right now because it's great. Yes. Yes, but see it starts to make you ask yourself Why the fuck do I care? Right? My royal protects me mostly from it protects me from perfectionism when I'm not perfect and I fuck up And I'm like, oh Instead of feeling like shit about myself. My role is like, well I mean that wouldn't happen if they hadn't done such you know this their fault. This is what they did wrong Know what I mean, and then what was your second one? Well, my royal is not like that at all. My royal is like so like me and john doe got into it about something And immediately I do this every time every time and it's because it was my fault And I knew it was my fault. And so immediately I'm like, you know what? I'm too good for you. Anyway, if you're gonna be mad about this and you ditch me, which is always where I go like, uh-oh Somebody's upset. So therefore I'm not gonna be worth the trouble to like work this out, right? And so you're probably gonna leave so my defense mechanism is like actually I'm so pretty I am so smart and I'm so successful like I probably could do better than you anyway Probably like the fearful avoidant the second you get a hint of rejection and like, oh, I might lose you Reject you you guys. Yeah, reject you first. Right. You can't bring up with me. I broke up with you Exactly Do you remember that one fight that you guys got in like a bajillion years ago and you were like You know, well, I mean, you know, he said we're not gonna break up But he doesn't want to talk to me for a few days and I just don't think I'm okay with that So I think I'm about to text him and be like well when I was like honey Okay, I hear you so much right now I do and and I'm in the trenches with you, baby And I'll lay here and I'll cover myself with camo or anything else you need in this moment, honey But I will tell you that's abusive You don't get to do that and you were like, really? But it was so cool too because you actually listened and you were like, okay, I'm not gonna. Oh, yeah, like I I mean I'm not even kidding you this week as I'm talking to the littles. I'm like And John Doe was upset too and I was like, you know, I'm learning that I have to let you be sad It's okay. And he's like Because he always says like and he was kind of I need you to look me in the face and I need you to know this has nothing to do with you and you can't fix it So leave me alone for a minute, but don't get your feelings certain making about you and I'm like, oh Let me come up in space I don't like space the Aquarius loves to hibernate, baby. I don't I don't like it. Oh, yeah Well, honey, that's because we have anxious attachments and they're avoiding it And that's why we love them so much because they made us work our asses off for them. Yeah, well yours really didn't But you know what i'm saying emotionally a little bit Have to fucking lily like you didn't really get any like resistance to committing to you but You you got resistance of the emotional commitment. I'm so sorry. Hold on. What I'm recording, but what do you need? I did lie. Yeah Okay Jake did you hear him? No, what did he say? No, he said is this really important right now? He's been sick from antibiotics. So I thought it was important I said while I'm recording. What's up? He's like you lied about the donuts There are more in the fridge in the garage, Bryson found him and he's eating one That's great I love him so much. Okay. Okay, but yeah, no like that work that we did Is that thing that says please see me love me accept me You know make me be special and chosen That's the only reason we ever checked these motherfuckers to begin with that because they have to they have to go And hide like they've it's the only way they do with things Now I will say brian is doing much less of that as he's becoming more comfortable with feeling He's talking to me more about that shit, you know, but I guess in some ways I have become more isolated or Insulated, you know internal cerebral two I tend to hibernate more now too because I'm not Needing the validation that I once needed Being up and someone else is like and then do you think that it or that like I called you to to calm myself down But it was not like a part of it was I was kind of confused about why I was like so upset Like for the obvious reason, but I figured it out. It's because it out of all the shit. It was What I narrowed it down to was He's not proud of me It's like, okay, honey Baby, it doesn't matter if you know and maybe he's not, you know, I had a whole talk and I was like, okay But he's not even a grown-up. Yeah, right. He had to process those things. Yeah, so You know, I had a little talk and must be heard about it and then I was over it But I mean it helped because it did work it did get me a little calmer It's where I could separate myself from the trigger and be like what the fuck but Do you feel like that's as Back to your point. Do you feel like that your shit is as much the rebel though As much as the royal because I feel like that's a rebellious theme to be like you fucking deserve whatever you want You can do whatever you fuck them. They don't know you like to me the rebel is is uh The justification for behavior Well When I um, I agree with that when I kind of read through that it was like more like it doesn't matter Like the reckless kind of behavior, you know, like it doesn't matter just do that You like throwing your relationship away in a moment like not that you actually are but that that's a real That's kind of where I guess I might be projecting even in that moment when I'm like fuck it Do harm whatever I don't really mean that though the rebel to me is more um You know how you used to tell me that I always like sabotage myself and I don't ever finish things I feel like that's it like you can't do this anyways or just quit it like it's like whatever And that's like my sort of self because it talks about how like then you feel bad after when you've done yeah Yeah, and that's really the only I mostly don't I'm pretty like risk adverse, you know So I'm doing a lot of risk. Yeah, and you're also not really doing self-sabotagey stuff I'm not a real big rebel actually. Yeah, but also mostly That's because I kind of I feel like for the most part like in a lot of those spaces I I a little bit do what I want and I kind of always like yeah, I'm just gonna do what I want so Yeah, I think yeah I could see that and I think Like if you remember what I said to genie really my rebel really is the most present ever In the extreme escalation like when I feel like i've lost complete control and i'm completely dysregulated And then this every shadow is coming out because of course I feel shame that i'm creating this You know That's when the rebel kind of will silence all the other thoughts and shadows And then I can work with the rebel in a few minutes, but I can't work with crazy Every single one of them firing off at once Yeah, my so when I went through it, I thought maybe it was the judge from how you had kind of explained But I don't have The judge a whole bunch The place is where I do Yeah, when I do have that god. I just hate it. It keeps me up And I like I can think of the instant there are so few but they are so deep when I do it Right that I'm like, oh god. It just makes me sick. Mine is the politician. It's just my whole biggest. Yeah, I Like you got to do this. You got to be good enough. You got to do this You got to do this if you could do this like if you could just do that do that one more thing Just do that one more thing like whoa, it's so overwhelming Yeah, see in mine I mean, I didn't ever have that as much as it it's my politicians just wanted me to hide and put on a front My whole life just very that's been my whole thing with having people in my house It's like very quite literally well people can't know that you have normal dust in the hallway or you know what I mean Like people can't know Just the just all the time people can't know. I mean those are the words that would play Yeah, so I feel like Linda Bates like it's just crazy. I'm like who can't know what bitch that I'm a human that you know has a bunch of messy ass people On top of my own messy ass. I have to say, you know, like I hate saying that because it's not what I want to be I don't want to be messy Want to be my burger ass, you know, I want to be fucking tidiest book And that's whenever I discovered wait a second It's true the shit I hate in him is what I hate about myself And that's working backwards was like, okay, if we start with that one example And I say I hate how messy he is That means that I hate how messy I am but I'm not messy and I was like, I'm messy So I I don't uh, I'm not messy. I can't be messy I feel more shame for being like the opposite of that Because you know, my kids are always like, why do you want this house to look like we don't live in it? And I'm like, I don't know That's what I want too. So I treat my kids the same way, but I don't follow through with any of them I do Yeah, no, I don't have that thing that kicks you over the edge, you know, I just have the thing that makes you verbally criticize everybody To the edge, you know to the edge. No results though None None, but but then you know, it's because I'm like, oh fuck y'all And then I just walk off and you know, we all just related to that period of escalation And we do, you know, then we're cleaning up my mess from that emotionally So then whatever I was pissed about just goes away That's how everything is so I'm like no I will no longer be reactive to people because we will concentrate on the problem at hand The only time that I get like that it's the it's the one time where my martyr comes out I don't often do that Mostly I like taking care of my house and the people in it. I like cooking for my guys I like actually don't really mind cleaning up after them I sneak and do their laundry. Like I just like everything to be very orderly and like John Doe gets pissed at me like, wow, did you do my laundry? And like I did I'm sorry Like I just say it was getting kind of old Well, I didn't for you like but it's for me. It's not for him. I just say Yeah So that kind of stuff I actually like do it with a happy heart Every once in a while though If I'm doing something I don't want to do and I don't feel appreciated Like that I do feel a little martyry And so if I don't have time if the house is getting dirty and it's because of me It's really the only time and when you just said that I was like, huh I'm not used to have like, you know, it's a time constraint for me too It's like a I'm hurrying something and I couldn't you know, clean up after myself or whatever Or I'm like nobody does anything to help me. I do all of these things to help you And you guys never like My neglect and betrayal wounds get triggered because I'm like I'm always going to be doing everything alone Everything for the rest of my life So in some ways I martyr myself because I don't force anyone else to do anything But I do when I get like that, I'm like Everybody can get up now and the boys will be like, um Do you remember when we were kids and inexplicably on your timeline? Sometimes you would just have a psych they called it a psychobilly freak out You just have a psychobilly freak out and we'd all have to like scrub everything. I'm like, I do Yeah, I'm real sorry about that. I don't know Yeah But also now my boys would be like, fuck you dude You don't get to talk to us like that like literally You can be pointing to it It's going down like I don't the battle of the wills for whatever like I rule with an iron fist And they're just like it she is more trouble than like we're just gonna go clean real quick Because we don't I don't know what she'll do like I wouldn't I tell you I psychobilly freak out It's like I don't get like that often but when I get like that like I mean it everybody better scrub Yeah, they're just like well It's real. I've tried never to like take it that far, but I mean in my heart. I am I just hate them all and do it myself Yeah, I don't have an ability to keep feelings in Whatever you just said that you can be in your heart. That's what I'm saying is I'm That's one of the reasons that I've been Trying to do this work is cleaning is one of the fucking triggers that will send this entire household upside down because I can't fucking stand it being dirty But I am not capable of cleaning it all by myself and keeping it clean when everybody's making messes 24/7 You have the kitchen clean you wake up. You go to the kitchen. It's no longer clean. All the lights are on You know what I mean all that shit. It's just yeah. I mean it's all the time. I mean It's not a meltdown. I never had the it was like one of those things where I didn't really have the emotional capacity Just sit behind anybody else and like force them to do it You know what I mean? Like I don't have the patience for that when the boys started staying up later than me This is so crazy. I'm just putting my crazy on full display here I can count on my hand the number of times I've done it, but I've done it just so everybody knows if I wake up And I've gone to bed with the kitchen clean And you have left it in disarray. I'm not asking you to make it perfect But if you've left it in disarray If there's food out or something on the stove like you cooked and you made a mess or you left stuff in the sink Fruity pebbles needed to rinse it out Go go wake you up. I will wake you up and you will fix it. Like no, that's gross Like I can't live that way. I can't make breakfast in a dirty kitchen. I cannot do it So everybody can get up right now and put this back the way it was And yeah, no, I'm certain there's been some therapy sessions about it But listen just like yeah, this is my house too Well, that's what I was literally just having this conversation But that's what I've tried to impart upon them is like hey guys I need this to feel safe because I live here too Yeah, and like the thing is is y'all don't know what it's like to grow up in filth So you don't know how triggering right when you kind of filth is for me And you know, even just like my front yard looks trashy all the time I'm not like a person who's gonna go make something cute It's not something I love to do outside and Brian is a person who likes to hoard and just stack shit on our front porch So Yep, and now I don't care because the thoughts were always oh my god What are people thinking the inside of our house must look like or whatever, you know now i'm like Okay, I mean I care I do care because I don't want it. It's not I don't like clutter I I want a clean garage I don't have a clean garage and I feel very resentful of it every minute of every day, but I have to like Yeah, whatever with it just like everything else About two times a year. I started a healing journey to accommodate everyone else around me Yeah, and because I can't engage in battles like that because I I already am so fucking reactive and live in a state of dysregulation Most of the time if if that was a battle that I had taken on to actually enforce the cleaning and whatever Oh my god. I I I could not because it does put me in such a state of dysregulation for the mess to be there But the actual falter would just be a bunch of verbal abuse that I mean I'm in their lifetime, you know what I mean? And I mean verbal abuse like all the thoughts that you have that you're like Are okay to think and say to your friends you shouldn't say to your kids. They would come out at my kids. You know what I mean? I recognize that when I have some similarities there And I am usually pretty okay about it, but now there are times when I don't feel because Because just like you like I have to feel safe at my house and I Definitely had a stepdad who like let me know all the time that it was his house And he had to pay for everything and I wasn't his kid and it was still like whatever it was to basically whatever I got Like I should be real thankful for and yeah Like I never want to make my kids feel like that, you know, you have the same vote But like but I get a vote. I live here too I mean I do 100 pay the mortgage by myself. Y'all aren't doing any of that nonsense It's whatever, but I didn't say any of that I just thought I kept that in my head, but it was like no I get to live here too And this is the common space and we all get to feel safe in the common space And what my bedroom is going to look the way my bedroom does you? That's your that's your like area. You do whatever you want with it I have been trying to do more of the don't do it come back and be like like I'm getting more content with letting things sit and saying hey um, I need you to go get that stuff out of the bathroom, you know, like that I'm working towards that because In my heart, I would rather Specifically at this stage of my life. I would rather Interact in that manner than a manner that harms all of us. You know I'm trying so hard, but it drives me fucking insane I honestly can't even imagine your scenario where you have all the kids at home Because I am I you don't have any kids at home, you know, and I had the littlest little for the summer And I love him, but he tried we nuts and I didn't realize Like how just sharing my space and right? I love them. I love them. I always want them to feel like they can come home Of course, of course, but when you're not using it also Even like now many mornings Yeah, like we have to work out a different bathroom scenario because we only have two fucking bathrooms Which I don't want to say only but you know what I mean, like there's a lot of people in this house and I can't get anybody else other than me to wake up early to like free up space At the real busy time of morning. Just wake up earlier guys like somebody or take a shower at night or Brush your teeth in the kitchen sink like largely have to do this, you know, but it's oh my god Hearing this place with people but like yeah, it's a lot. It is a lot and I mean it's Like I'm not going to minimize it because it has caused a lot Yeah of stress for me, but like that I have this is the area that I've been working on for like a month because I I would just recognize like I don't have any control over it I I can do a lot of things, but ultimately I don't get to control it. So And when you boil it down and you start thinking about like why it bothers you and does it really bother you that much? Right it that's when you get to it because you you lose the When you go, hey, you're you're safe like yeah, your house is a fucking wreck it is but Like you're safe honey like you're you're in the presence of people who love you and they would much rather you Sit and play a card game or whatever the hell or everybody be on their phones. Whatever the case Maybe I'm not gonna act like fucking Pollyanna over here, but you know like Everybody in this house Wants the same thing I want we want peace and we want to feel loved by the people who we share this space with Like this is we all it's like what I've always told them like there's an abundance of people Outside of this house that are going to tear us the fuck down and especially as we build ourselves up more people want to tear us down So when we are in this house We have to be safe And that's the thing about my triggers is I'm balancing my needs with the need to not cause myself and others harm So I'm using the cleaning thing specifically because I mean I have the same exact shit you do here, but I don't I don't have quite the like Follow through to have ever been able to do any of that because I knew what how I would do it but So like I said, it's but here's the thing you're so fucking right So I'm glad you said it because once you start to like unravel a trigger and you go. Oh Okay, that hit this wound Okay, but I know I'm gonna look at this person That's not what they meant to do right, you know In viewing people as a part of their own world experience when they're hurt Yeah, that's how I look at that's how I look at john donut and that's how I looked at the little It was like, oh you're saying this to me because this oh I I feel so sad for you My yes, yes It was like, oh I have loved that part of it honestly because I didn't used to be able to access that Like you know an action like just such good conversations when you're not being emotionally reactive Yes It's different Yeah, I'd still like to be able to Remember to stay a little more present and to be able to be more curious During conversations Because you know our brains they work really fast. We're fast to respond. We're fast to move But that's kind of what's gotten us where we are, you know We all fit the survival. Let's go. Let's next what's next because we got to do it, you know Um, so yeah, that's that's what's got us here and I'm not ashamed of anything in that vein, you know, but I know Not everybody's like that and some especially men men really view that quick Minded thing Oh, god. I don't want to say this out loud. Well, I was gonna say they view that as that's not listening But the truth is we're not fucking listening and you know, I don't want to say that because I feel like I am but I'm not I'm the first the first word that triggers like my brain to go off into whatever like world It is that I'm now going to spew back out and it doesn't have to be negative But like, you know, I'll just associate real quick and not think that that's what i'm doing, you know And then i'm like, oh, yeah Did you hold space for me place and i'm like If it was on one of your favorite podcast you listen Oh lord Yeah, I um Definitely was like, oh, okay Like reading through and you're right a lot of that too is like numbing that attachment wound with the rebel and so yeah Mine is really like I okay do whatever you want. Like that's how I'm like You worked out you can do this other thing like it doesn't matter. You're not gonna be hot anymore. Anyway Like whatever like uh That's not nice. You're so cute. What are you doing? Why'd you do? Well I've been trying to kind of I'm trying to like, you know, pull it all together because my talk is over It's the whole symposium's theme is mental health across the ages And so my whole talk is like this is shit Anybody can discover about themselves and get a really good grasp on their own shit You know what I mean? Like just really If you didn't do anything else you could do these things and have a pretty stable life if you investigate these things but I've been trying to pull it all together like shadows of shame regulation um all of that stuff so i've really really sat in the Rebel royal Expectation stuff and i'm like, okay, so because I you know, I was so triggered when talking to jenny on that last episode about like when she's like, you know asking someone else to meet those needs or whatever and then When I decided to do the family management system or whatever And I took the morality and the emotion away from it and said if we weren't Wounded in this area. So we You know, we weren't being told by these shadows that we are too much that we aren't enough that We're not worthy of taking up space and That we're going to be alone for the rest of our lives handling every big thing that happens If none of that was being said What are you left with? Do you still have a need here? And I was like not really no You know what I mean? Oh wow like None of that really matters if i'm not afraid That's the thing is when I can feel my entire body fucking just drop in relaxation because I just left fight or flight the second I acknowledged Yeah, that wounding is real. It is very real and that trigger is very real and that core belief Has protected me for some shit for a long time So those things are very present in my life But if we take those away, the need goes away too Because I can just sit in my humanness and be like Objective, you know like Yeah, I guess that really doesn't matter that much to like if nobody's letting me down because they forgot or they just don't have time or whatever You take away the letting me down part. I just need help getting her picked up Yeah, or with the messes in the house If I take away, they don't care about the fact that I need this and I take away Any criticisms that I have of them as humans? It's gone Then I just need help. So hey, we pick up the kitchen for me or you mind doing the do you know Okay, it comes out because I'm not looking at it the same way I'm looking at them as humans and me as humans and all of us in our own experiences, you know, and we're just We're coexisting. I kind of I don't mean this negatively, but I for some reason, you know, I'm kind of visual in my brain, you know Uh talking creates visuals I kind of visualize each of us is our own fucking little tornado funnel I don't know why but we're just bumping into each other. Yeah, I'm creating some inflow and outflow and we just got to separate a little bit and be like, oh Okay, okay, okay And that's that's been the the progress that I've been trying to make ever since my fucking horoscope was like You need to check in with yourself about How you respond when people don't meet your expectations and I was like I don't think I like where you're going with this But I have to think it was kind of one of the last pieces of this current puzzle because things have been going very well since then But I have to think that too because I'm not Looking at everybody Through these wounds. Yes. I've been irritated plenty of times since then but I am so So far because nothing major has happened, you know, but I've been able to just shift back and go wait Okay, what are you feeling it's acknowledged that first because you know i'm real bad about intellectualizing and i'm like No, we don't even want to identify the shadow of shame yet We just want to What is the feeling? Okay. What win? All right. Hey, at least you know, okay. How's it feel? Uh feels like shit. Okay, uh, you know I'm like I'm sad or whatever it is and then release that shit and I never knew what the fuck people meant by that But it really You you have to feel the emotion before you can look at it Unemotionally Because if you're blocking the feeling you're doing a lot of negative thinking to do that I mean, that's why we think so fast because that's always pep us Like away from feeling, you know Appear means nothing here, but that oh the tension it creates all in your body and not Right. I really do Release that when I I mean when I get to the end because you can just unravel the whole thing What are the core beliefs? I'm this i'm this i'm never gonna All right. Well, if none of those were there, you know Internal side it's just great. It's That's why I like this shit, you know, it's so true It's often, you know, give it away for free. So I'm trying to keep shit, you know, minimal But damn it's life-changing. It really is the other day when we had our lull Uh, our lull Yeah He said, you know, you said you're fine, but you're clearly angry at me You're I said, I'm not angry. He's like, no, I can tell you're angry. No. No. No, I'm not angry I'm throwing a tantrum when he said what? I'm throwing a tantrum. I don't feel angry at all. I feel sad You've hurt my feelings and I'm behaving poorly I'm throwing a tantrum and I'm trying to stop But I just feel like being a little mean to you still and he was like I don't know what to do with this. You're not too. Why are you throwing a tantrum? Yeah, I don't know. I'm working through that, but I just i'm sad You've hurt my feelings. Actually, I'm not angry. I'm sorry that it's like coming that way and he's like, oh Well, that makes me feel sorry for you. Yeah. Yeah, and then he was nice and it didn't turn right because he was just like you're like a little tantrum It's not cute. Don't behave this way. Yeah Yeah, but like that's the whole thing right there's that's I think that's why brian's feeling so much more compassionate to me Because now he understands why I'm doing the shit. I feel like wait. She's not just being a mean poo Yeah, yeah, like, oh, you're just trying to hit below the belt. No, I I'm just triggered a s brother That's all like I'm just saying whatever the hell pops up And honestly if you just want me to look for nice and you know, lucky you are that you're with me and whatever whatever Because I'm the greatest like I'm just scared you're gonna leave. So Well, and I was thinking about this today like because uh, I'm listening car rider line, you know, it's it's making me be real present And so I was like, okay. We don't want to be a psycho in the car every day, you know Um, which I haven't been but I could see it. I could see it come in And so I was like, okay But it's like little things where I'm really just trying to stay present like brian came to give me information um Like his truck is messing up and Well, I had gone to him in his office early and I was like, hey, how are you? And he's like I was like, oh, because he never answers that way. So I was like, oh, well, do you need anything? He's like, no, and I was like, okay. I was like, well, and I just skedaddled out because you know, I got the vibe I was like, did you do? And then he came to tell me later like what all had happened in a very short amount of time or whatever In his attempts to not freak me out that he's gonna give me information He pretty much always freaks me out right before the information like I get escalated because he he's like a it's not major You know that kind of thing. I'm like, oh my god. Why? Every time every time and then I'm mad, you know, like when your kid runs in the street and they're fine And then you want to beat their ass, you know, that's how I feel about everything all the time. So I was like Stay present only hear the words he's saying don't let it because because I'll start finishing his sentence in my brain But it's all negative like, you know, and then someone died, you know It's like it's crazy. Literally every road leads to death with us. Why? I didn't know he was trying to tell me this silly thing in that his truck is messing up I thought he was trying to say I thought he was about to tell me someone got killed at the school or something because he did pick up because that an appointment Bro, I'm not gonna get into it. It's so stupid, but I was like, uh, but I could tell like he he said It's not a big deal when I'm about to tell you so I was like, okay I'm sure he meant that and so I was like stay present only hear the words only hear the words and so I finally like just relaxed Into the conversation, but I don't do that. I don't listen for hearing and understanding I listened to him respond The reason I'm so irritated to say that out loud is because he's sleeping in our bed Right next to where we're recording So you never know like when he's gonna wake up and whatever and it's one thing if he hears me station on the podcast Like when he's in his car, but here's me admitting to things that I deny a lot to myself and others So I just now feel it's still icky about it. I don't like it anymore. Fuck you Brian I am seeing that I mean, I this was something that I knew a couple of years ago I started to pay attention that like oh, I I kind of really do want to try to make everything Brian's fault if I possibly can I'm so serious, dude. I'm so like the smallest thing and I'll be like I'll be still mad at myself, but I can't handle it that I'll be like, I'm sure that's his fault And I will find a way I am not kidding even after I learned that I was doing it. I've still always done it So that's the first thing I asked Jenny was like, what's what's this shadow? And she's like, well, that's the judge that judges everyone around you so that's your royal And I was like, okay Because I will be like you should have done such and such and that wouldn't have happened It was fully my fault too like it's usually like stuff that either one of us could have done or I Didn't have the capacity so I kept putting it off putting it off putting it off whatever It's his fault Not mine, but you know how many years about bitch and said he did that the whole time We've known him and that's been a lot of years and you know forever. It's real annoying to Learn that you do the same shit that you got real mad about, you know, hey your mirror thing is hateful not on right. I'm telling you I when I was going through so When you look at the politician and it's like i've got to do these things whatever That's literally john doe's problem and then i'm like I'm so mad at you But also like I can't even be mad at you about this Because you're exactly the same as me. It just presents differently Like buddy. Yes, that's the only time I get mad is like The unwillingness to accept those things and then learn to deal with them Like oh, you know what I mean? That's I think that's fair to be angry about because I mean you do have needs like, you know If if it's something that you can get like me where you can you know quit assigning feelings and morality to something And then the need goes away for that moment. I'm not talking about forever For that moment where you can get to a A place where you're leading with compassion. That's all i'm saying is that we can't harm others At least we can be absolved of any harm Knowing that that was not our intention and what we were trying to do If we're leading with compassion We may still fuck it up, but If compassion is leading we first of all are going to stay in a safe place Which gives us more authority over ourselves and then that allows them to see I think that's part of Brian accepting the information is he seeing It in action, you know where he's responding a certain way Then i'm responding back to him in a certain way like him asking the other day How can I help you ground? I did not answer it because I was like, oh Right, I do need to ground. I need to be present I need to come back To this exact moment and not be worrying about all the things that could go wrong because i'm stressed like Right here in this moment now that shit matters I'm just I was just worried. We were going to be late to a parent meeting or something But if I said, okay ground Then I know we're just driving now we can have a conversation because ultimately we're going to get there when we get there So all this shit wasn't working anyway so In some ways it was so helpful because at least it reminded me I needed to ground, you know And as i've been like creating my presentation and coming up with like things, you know, grounding techniques I've been like, oh, I need to tell him this so that you know he can remind me or whatever But honestly even just the reminder to be, hey, come back You got to let that shit go because you know how fast it can get to a really bad place, you know And I again, I just want to Honestly, yes, I don't want to harm my family anymore But The truest motivator of that is because I can't fucking see that look on their faces ever again I'm just being really honest right now like I yes, I know that The harm is whatever, but my brain doesn't like let me go there You know a whole lot right how much that actually impacts them For me, um, obviously my leo moon is going to lead the way here and be like, how's this affect me though? It really hurts my feelings when I see that i've hurt your feelings god Why go look so sad? Can't you just take it and move on? But but I don't i'm I've had enough harm done to me my whole life I why am I now going to continue to hurt myself Out of some form of self protection baby You are not protecting shit. You are hurting helping others. Yeah And even this was really big for me today I was driving down the road and I was thinking about compassion and whatever And I was in this real bitch moment thinking about some shit about my grandma I don't remember what but all of a sudden I just thought but if I were to be compassionate I guess I'd say she had no information at her fingertips like we do She there was no book given to her or a friend who Got a book and talked her into you know what I mean? She didn't get she had no help available to her So if I picture if I put myself in her shoes Having all those kids that you know after what had to have been a weird ass childhood I don't know because she was a liar, but you know, I know it was bad And then being very abused by my grandpa Until he left her for his best friend's wife after 36 years And then you're raising these kids who have far more needs than you can possibly put up with And then you're left by your husband for that Then I can have compassion and go Damn, that makes me really sad because The words that she spoke didn't mean those were the truth that she felt You know and if I if I Put away like some of the things she said and I look at like her heart that was speaking She was just falling apart and the truth of the matter is The only reason I don't say half of the shit she said to me is because I know what it feels like But I thought every one of the fucking things at least a hundred times And I think oh god, that's another thing to feel ashamed of. I'm like my grandma This is the fucking human condition Whatever form of creationism you believe in You have to believe there's a design and that like we're put here for a reason and I think the reason is to work out these kinds of conflicts, you know and to Become your own light And I think I've spent my whole life Hoping someone else was going to be able to you know, give me light and I've just turned it on inside myself and I'm like, okay You know But it allows me To understand and I know that if I hurt the way I do over the things I've done Her unwillingness to talk about it does not mean It certainly doesn't equate to a lack of shame being felt on her end And to me if I'm smart and I'm objective It indicates a higher level of shame that she was unable to talk about it You know what I mean? Honestly, she knew That she couldn't take you all on But she also Like whatever her shame was Yeah, she said she had to do on Yeah, she had to Yeah, and then just knowing That you are not good enough at something and seeing that today and knowing you're letting down people you love And you can't save your kid and you know what I mean? I mean just all of it Yes Uh like Cut how sad you know, that's exactly what I thought today was like Gotta handle it. Well, did not handle it. Well, you fucked up. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna hold space for both I'm never gonna say that all of my negative feelings about her That I have anything to feel bad about there. It's valid. She was a giant bitch But she wouldn't what she really was more than that was she was so hurt Well, she heard her own damn feelings And she had been abandoned Nobody put her for nobody and she just wanted somebody in her life to do that And she thought it would be me and she thought it would be Josh You know that we'd be so grateful. It wasn't I'm gonna do these things so that you're grateful. It's I'm gonna do these things so that you're grateful and you'll stay Yeah, you'll love me and you'll take care of me You know what I mean? And it's hard to get to the humanness of the people who have hurt me but you know at the same time Damn, it feels better than anger and hatred like I I didn't come to that place for her She's gone, you know, but I I've She were here. She would just be saying me. She'd be hurting my damn feelings Such a bit. She really would but it would not read this book with us No, she wouldn't but you know that but I do know myself well enough now that like I would I would hold her accountable for her Shit whether she wants to acknowledge anything or not. I'd be like, okay Well, that's fine, honey But you know, you're gonna have to talk to me when you can talk smart because that ain't it That ain't it You know, I was just thinking about something you said and I think maybe I had a weird revelation so You said, you know, you didn't get these things growing up So you're kind of looking for somebody to sort of save you And I was saying right but I think If you're parenting correctly You're just giving them the ability To know that they can do it themselves. Yeah, so if you're parented correctly You you're never looking for somebody to save you. You know, it's you your parents aren't doing it for you either Right. Oh, that's crazy Right. That's why I've been trying to do more of the shaman shit than anything else because I'm like You can't say you want a kid who can make decisions for themselves and then not allow them to and don't let them Yeah, or criticize them to where they don't trust themselves the way I was, you know And so even Bryson He There's been times he doesn't want me to see his car Because it's dirty and he doesn't want me to see it, you know, and I'm like I know this feeling so well, I can help you here, you know, like when I was like, hey I'll be happy to help you love to in fact But I also understand if you don't want me to see it, but here's what you have to hear Having a dirty car not a character flaw. There's Literally, it doesn't fucking matter You having a dirty car communicates to me that you're very busy You're on the run You're eating in your car a lot and for whatever reason you're not able to throw the trash away You know, my boys are super fucking ADHD. They do not They have zero object permanence. The second the thing is gone. They're all to the, you know, they're just It's very irritating, but it is what it is, you know You are so much nicer than me. I am horrible about that and I just Examples that I've no busy here. Listen those I saw these examples that I saw the pain that it Steven, you know His mom was kind of a shitbitcher about the car like blah blah, you know And it hurt him just I remember watching some of the criticism and it's normal mom shit that nobody's thinking a thing about But it hurt him so bad and I was like, okay I want to I want to take note of this And I was such a fucking messy car person for so long because I mean, I'm quite sure I'm ADHD too but Damn dude, just the chaos of my life at all times then at the time that my car was that bad, you know Plus I don't know just like them I man and tell until my brain fully developed I was just a mess like serious my trauma brain really stunted a lot of shit and so Yeah, I was like, no, I because I I just started like practicing self-compassion about some of that shit You know, so when I gave him that it was such a nice little gift to be like, hey, I'm not judging now Listen, I'm his mother. I want his car clean that it bothers me. It bothers me, but It doesn't matter, you know, like overall I constantly am asking like Is this a situation where there's a potential that the outcome will be they feel unlovable? Because of something stupid. Yes, there is that potential and I'm a dirty car. I'll give fuck You're fucking loved bro. Yeah, and but those are the things that we if you look really close We've all taken those things to heart like that's part of our Fundamentally unlovable shit is because we're constantly nailed to the cross over human nature shit, that's just so human and So many things are evolving so quickly that quite literally we're not keeping up with evolution We were just talking about this being Bryson earlier that we wonder if that's a part of the increase of ADHD You know that we all fucking have it and so we're all on the spectrum somewhere, you know Is that why I don't know but it does feel like we're not keeping up with something You know, I'm not the fittest and I'm having trouble surviving or something But the problem is that it's all in your face all the time. The problem is that we're addicted to our phones Yeah, we were talking about technology being the thing that is we can't get back with it We weren't designed to to keep up with that the rapid change the pace all of it the rate at which we consume information now how Damn bitch. I can even love the content that somebody's giving a tick talk about and I'll know It's a three minute three minutes. I can't give them more than nine seconds If they're not talking in a certain cadence. Yeah, not my brain can't function I made myself the spirit was speaking to me the other day and said bitch Go back and listen to that video. It's got good information and I did I made myself, but I don't want to hear it because it's too slow But yeah, that's I mean honestly I I've done that for a while I really tried to balance because I do know for myself those are the things that really caused a lot of harm for me And it's something that I it was kind of tangible that I could hold on to to do something that I felt like I was doing right In a world where I was doing a lot wrong, you know, so I was like your car I shot Complain about it. I mean in my head. I'm freaking out, you know, but I'm like, okay, I done better Done better All good now when they get in my car and behave disrespectfully, that's a different story because I'm like that's fucking it I'm tired of this bullshit It's my fucking car. I don't care, but I had a really good conversation with Bryson this morning or yesterday where I go Well, it's just that sometimes You and Jake both have this thing where you If something doesn't matter to you, it doesn't matter and you guys sometimes kind of poo poo Some of the things that matter to me because you just can't understand so I'm trying to get better about explains you guys It's not about you and I'm not criticizing you. I'm telling you what I need my name Yeah, and like there's been a couple of times. I've been a little surprised at Bryson because I'll say Well, you know, I needed this blah blah and he's like, but you didn't say da da da to me and I'm like Baby because this isn't about you. It's about me. That's what I'm saying. This isn't this is nothing due to you This is me and he's like, okay. I thought you're saying da da. I'm like, no, no, I'm not criticizing you at all But see that's how easy it happens And if I was in a reactive place that would turn into a fight But I'm just getting I mean to the root of emotional availability Truly where I can say it to myself after I've identified it and now I have to be vulnerable and share with other people But I didn't realize how safe I feel to do that with my boys, you know, and now brian I I didn't feel safe before with brian because I didn't understand enough to be able to tell him And I felt like he kind of was making fun of some of the shit I was saying, you know But now I'm speaking a different language that he's understanding and he's joining and whatever and the boys live in that world, you know, so they're very safe to talk to about that stuff and I'm Even I'm practicing at least certain levels of availability with more people today. I recorded with dr. Rickner I was like, okay It's hard for me to be vulnerable a bit. I'm you know, I never told you how much this meant to me blah blah blah like i'm at least trying to do more just a little like but i'm also Feeling more at peace with who I am in my like most authentic self where I go They don't have access to that. They don't they don't even know that about you. You don't have to be Everything to everyone. You don't have to give your full self to everyone. You can be reserved and that's fine But god man, just giving myself fucking permission to breathe is sometimes like Damn, can I just live it sucks to like have to over analyze every single thought you have but I mean that felt very hopeless and overwhelming for a minute like damn It's exhausting being me like it was so tiring and I I could have figured out why because I was learning these tools and whatever and I just was missing this chunk of emotional availability I saw this thing on uh Instagram the other day and I was like god Why didn't anyone say this shit because emotional availability is a new topic. I mean I picked a great topic for my podcast I didn't realize that but it is being talked about everywhere now I did not know and it said you can't fucking regulate your nervous system if you haven't regulated your emotions Like if you're not dealing with the feeling that's caused this shit It's not gonna go away honey. You can't just deep breathe and then think it's gonna go away So we had to know we we could do grounding techniques all day and get to you know get from a 10 to a 6 10 to a 5 Whatever, but we couldn't get lower than a 5 because we still had all those negative shadows of shame Bitching and doing whatever else, you know and mine would start fighting with each other and I would literally think I was crazy When I can go. Oh, there's my royal thank you royal you are not serving me and I do it I do I dismiss them like uh, you know with respect and then I Say okay. What what was triggered there? That's so crazy, you know, I'm like, oh, okay It's always neglect or betrayal really, you know, yes I have I always have a fear of loss at all times But I feel fucking neglected and betrayed all the time because that's just what it hits a lot, you know It's better now that I'm so aware of it, but you know not viewing things through those wounds Just allows me to stop and say okay. Well Objectively, I can understand that's not what happens so tell tell the person who's actually hurt here And I'm like hey sister You're fine. Okay Nothing's wrong. You're safe. This was a normal like interaction and I do literally have to talk to myself like that because I mean, I guess you know because it's me and that's the only thing I respond to I gotta talk to her like I'll talk to myself but you know It's the person who received these wounds and and I feel a difference every day Being able to like release some of that shit And I also feel good knowing that it's still gonna pop up over and over and over and over again And that's normal. Yeah, I love knowing this normal, you know, I didn't know it was normal I thought I thought the woo-woo people were just like I'm healed I was slain in the spirit in the No girl Were you ever slain in the spirit? Okay, I remember no I don't I don't mean For real because I know all them kids were faking, but did you ever pretend? No, I did not pretend I thought it was crazy. I did speak in tongues a couple times. No At the church we went to together. Yeah, I just thought if I Did maybe it would like, you know start working or whatever I saw people doing it, but I was just making it up Just like I moved the Ouija board same thing Oh my god, you're dead grandpa Okay This is what's funny about a fucking Sagittarius in sixth grade. Okay Sagittarius is who are quite fiery in sixth grade They will play with the Ouija board and they will try to scare the shit out of you. Okay. Great. They they go Awkward Okay to do whatever it is to torment your ass And you know, you know that saying hurt people hurt people. Well, sweet sweet jango, you know Bro, did you see my fucking tick-tock slash reels today? No story about fucking miss bleener's class and the categorize your nose Because I've started a series of stay weird, you know And uh, well that might have been the last story because I don't I don't I can't think my brain doesn't work The way you do so like I think I'm out of like funny stupid shit. I did as a kid Well, I still got a couple period wins to go Um, but I was laughing so hard because I was like, yeah, and then you know in the bad kid category I was a little column bad column Nerd bad kid Um, you know who I'm thinking of when I said this but I was like, um, yeah, and I made sure to in the bad column note That you know the reason this one child was in that column is because she was a smoker And she was not going to play ground and I was like in fifth grade. It was the eighties. It was wild It was wild Great I think I think I'm getting where I want to be I just like people yes, they're hurting my feelings You know, but it's so fast to be like, yeah, I get it I mean, you know, I don't want to dismiss myself. I'm making sure of that But yeah at the same time, it's like I feel you dog. Can you show me? Okay. Well, thank you for your time Well, I'm excited for you and I'm going to read the next chapter So whatever that is. I don't know. I didn't look yet I was going to write down all my triggers and I was like, I'm not writing that on my triggers. It's too embarrassing. I'm crazy Uh, so I'm going to read them the ways of numbing. Yep, the numbing behaviors You're going to have it That's going to be what I do Yeah, it was interesting what the like because of course the normal like sex drinking drugs, but like The shit they talk about is kind of like, oh, that's a numbing behavior Huh, well, I'm excited for this Well as people who have worked our entire lives to avoid feelings. I'm sure something will resonate with you I can't wait Bye Hey, hey, hey, what do you say? Listen first and foremost Please make sure that you have provided this podcast with a five-star rating on whichever platform that you are listening If you want to support the show, please rate like and share Also like comment and share on any social media posts that you see for me on instagram Or facebook or tick-tock Please follow the podcast facebook Emotionally unavailable podcast. You can shop my foot online store or schedule a one-on-one with me Uh, emotionally unavailable podcast.org. I'm offering what i'm calling non-traditional counseling Astrology readings and tarot readings and self-policing services and thank you so much for listening to the emotionally unavailable podcast All right, hope you liked that episode with jane doh. I hope you loved hearing more about the shadows of shame Remember, this is all coming from the finding piece workbook by troy love You can find that on amazon really easily. So If you like the information we've been talking about, you should absolutely get the book And don't forget to shop in my online store. Thank you Until next time, let's all just keep swimming I And