We Are Douchebags
This show is heading downhill fast.
90% of the time I have no idea. What the fuck I'm talking about? I'm Joe Biden, and I approve this message Welcome to we are douche bags you show where we are douche bags I am your host CJ squeal my gender pronouns are they them and I identify as race Gender and talkative fluid. Hello. My name is Pave as in pavement my gender pronouns are concrete because I'm rock hard And I'm really hoping Andre says something today I'm Andre Pave is a bitch ass nigga my pronouns are that nigga and identify as the timber sent From the old spice deodorant collection Use old spice no What do you use dove? I do use don't don't I used to agree the The black and white one because I always wear black and white shirts and other one like them getting standard anything and it works Pretty well. Yeah, you always wear like black and white shirts. I wonder how your wardrobe looks like Probably like 30 shirts and half of them are just black and white and Those are the only ones that I wear I mean while I got like a bunch of Sonic shirts that I love to wear around in public Well, that's because you have autism. Yeah, I have good fashion sense. I got the autism swag There's no swag in that at all There's still swag in the name because you made it up show up wearing fucking shadows shoes next time we hang out With the one mama top cocktail I was gonna say there won't be a next time. I would pour sulfur gas and I'm embarrassing to go out in public with gasoline Where would you even get gasoline from? Andre gas station no one's gonna. No one's gonna sell to you No one's gonna sell to your kind especially and I even or you just buy one of those fucking cans and just fill it yourself And I'm going to say what are you talking about what do you yeah? What are you talking about? You just go and fill it up yourself. Where do you go that someone fills it up for you Mexico? I'll siphon gas matter of fact You won't even buy it Very fitting you mean I talk about talk about breaking the stereotype You know exactly what I mean by it Andre. It's one of the see if you would stay with your chest Yeah, you know, I will I don't have any fear cuz I don't show my face Yeah, who would show their face on a podcast like this I Don't know but I was thinking about posting more like half nudes Onto the Instagram so that like you can you can possibly attract some some women I think if I were to attract any women they would listen to five seconds of the show and like never Listen or talk get talk to us like ever again Preferably biological females might I add? Seeming as like last episode you were very keen on not wanting to fuck a trans or not a lot like what that speaks Yeah, it was on Street Speaks which we had a Crossover episode with paved so stay tuned for that because Andre didn't show up. Sorry surprising, right? I was like Andre. I would I would give you shit But I know you're gonna have to defend yourself next week So we could skip over that but Andre. I think I'm pretty sure I sent you like Pictures of myself on Wednesday and you didn't even respond to them. It's cuz I didn't chat about until Today actually during my lunch break Now I thought it was too late to respond. He's just jealous. No So I sent him a picture of myself in my boxers in my parents bathroom And then I scribbled out my wiener What was your response to you scribbled out your wiener for him? Why don't you do that for me? Oh, you have a nice edge because he's oh Thanks, man It's because he's black so I don't want him to know how small it is Yeah, I was wondering why was the first time I saw it. I was like is there like something falling out or something like And like is there something coming out of his vagina? His lady is pretty good And I do got fat lips And what did you think of my back picture? uh No, you're back to use more but I like the progress. I'm seeing progress. That's all the matter Andre like you've shown us a bunch of like selfies of you, but I really want to see what your back looks like to be honest. Okay Okay, hold up, I just say I'm sending you another picture Oh, no, never mind. That one's not that guy. That shot me sixty dollars. I'm just gonna send that one Sixty dollars. What do you think I'm made of? Yeah, yeah, this picture is better. Oh Wait that picture. Well, you just sent it. What the hell? Yeah, I don't sense it. Okay. I'll re-send it. Do I post that one to my like actual like personal story to pull bitches? Yes Yeah, let me let me send you I think it'll work. Let me send you one of my veins No, you remember the other day. I posted one that was actually like my veins Yes, I did get one response to that from a woman. Really? But But she's she's got a girlfriend. So I don't know what that means. Hey, let me do three way bro. Do you way? Three way. I'm converting bitches. Yeah, I hope she never hears this. This is someone we know No, no, no It's another one of my female friends with a girlfriend and you have a lot of those shows how progressive I am Yeah, I think what happens is they get heartbroken because they realize I don't like I'm not gonna be with them So they're like, oh, I can't be with a man. I'll have to be with a woman Because he's the only one I'd ever want Lesbian relationships always are abusive. They're like most likely to be abusive and then a straight relationship or gay relationship Yeah, I don't think I believe that you don't think you believe that No, I don't what I think that they just report it more There's no way the gay dudes don't beat the fuck out of each other And you know what that's right. I feel like they do but they they just don't talk about it Yeah, there's no way cuz women are like big fucking crybabies. You could grab them wrong and they'll go flying or whatever and It's like gay dudes like They're big all gay men are basically like sassy black women and they hit everything So I'm pretty sure that gay dudes actually have the highest abuse. They just don't report it dude, I was hanging out with one of my gay friends, you know them Andre and But all they fucking wanted to do was fight like you want a homey fade homey fade I'm like dude. You're like cuz he wants to touch you like dude. You're like five foot 390 pounds. I'd kill you I don't want to hit you my foot three the gay dude. Yes He's smaller than me. Yeah, it's almost DJ size Wait, actually, I wouldn't need to see you like I have to probably not I would have to see you like of like side-by-side to Declare that what do you mean? Probably not. Oh, no, he's a top He's a top. Yeah, I Five foot three. Mm-hmm Nah I don't believe that you don't believe that Good for him. I don't know. I mean I think you're five foot four and you're a top and I could I couldn't believe that either But here we are I could dom him. Yeah, you're gonna have to fight him. I want to see that fight You don't want to see that? No, I would want I would want to You think a fucking faggot's gonna be me. No Does he listen to this show no he doesn't he said that he doesn't have Spotify, but to upload him on YouTube Man, I tried figuring that out that she doesn't work. I Mean I can I can try it doesn't it's not that hard. I would have to just like Have to put like a fucking background for it, and then that's it Yeah, just put the episodes. Yeah, or the spreadsheet Oh Yeah, the spreadsheet that would be that would actually be smart. Yeah Oh, that wasn't your first fucking instinct. You like spent how long on these spreadsheets, and you don't want to use them Yeah, it's cuz I'm so used to like Not ever doing anything with them Remember that one time Mike just like insulted your spreadsheet and you just change the entire thing like the next week. I Didn't change the entire thing. I upgraded it updated his spreadsheet is still super fucking ugly compared to mine, but yeah We should have a mod again Way more organized Oh, I say that as we have like one decimal It's cuz I didn't change the numbers from last week Allegedly Yeah, okay now. It's now. It's good. Okay Now it's good, but uh, do we have anything we hate this week or no? Um, honestly this week's pretty chill nothing much has pissed me off to be honest The one thing I'm pissed off about this week. I'm pretty sure I've talked about before though. I Don't remember honestly. What is it? Let me guess does it take place in the Walmart bathroom? No Well go on yeah, we're waiting oh, sorry It's a niggas with musty cars oh You I think you've touched on it with me. I don't know if you've talked about it on this show no you have no you haven't no You haven't maybe there's There's new details you could go into bro like it was Wednesday I Think I've seen like the worst state of a car ever Like I'm pretty sure this guy was like shitting like on the floor in the back seat of his car Hello bottles Smelled like fucking trash and shit Like damn bro your car smell like this should be executed So it just was like the Walmart bathroom like in a car car for him. Yeah, but multiple One more bathroom. It's not just one person. Oh It was that was just okay. We're so it's like something that happens over and over again Where were you doing in that car in the first place? I was delivering an order or giving them the order. Oh What the fuck yeah? Next time that happens you should like just sneak a picture of it. Yeah, I just fucking report them Report them and tell them you don't want to that they're banned from Walmart. I'm not Putting shit in your car again That wouldn't recommend it to anyone else And make sure you're banished from my establishment Oh, you own it fucking bitch. Did you franchise it? Yeah, I Wear a suit and tie every day very business The next time you're gonna go to that car you're gonna be exposed to fucking fentanyl you're gonna overdose Gonna accidentally absorb it through your skin. You must not know me that well We geek hard. Why not? I'll take it. Oh, I don't know you take one bit of a pungement and you're already nonverbal retard I wouldn't say you're that like You're that good Yeah, I'm doing heroin in your face. Dude gets fucking I'm off a one that shot a smart offline No, this motherfucker takes a whiff of a fucking Corona, and he's gone Listen you could say that but I just like to say I know how to have a good time I Wouldn't say you know how to have a good time Like I don't know whenever you get drunk. You just don't like saying anything like you you take one shot And then you're like all right I'm gonna go to my room and then you like jerk off for about like an hour Then you come back out You're just spewing bullshit when I get drunk I just argue with people for no reason That's such a lie. Maybe you should get drunk before you come on just insult people Yeah, I think I'll sponsor your alcoholism if you do that wait. What about me? I need more alcohol You just get gay dude, okay thinking about it. Yeah, I love you so much CJ You want to wrestle It was just a legit To be honest, but next time that happens. I'm biting it. Mm-hmm. You're biting it Make sure never to drink beer around you if you think about it if you sponsor my Alcoholism you're gonna be buying way less alcohol than you would be for Andre. Oh That like one single beer could last you a month. Yeah, totally. I'll get you a whisk I'll get you a whiskey-like scented candle, and that'll be enough for you I was gonna say whiskey flavored candle Obviously like I can see that you eat candles CJ. Did I eat candles? Yeah, I could see you eating candles That's a lot of your style. I know you eat you hate crayons I know you were a window I like to eat the lead off of a pencil that does sound like something you would do like you use it to like Dig between your teeth. Yeah, I used to do that. I was chewed on it Remember that CJ No, no, I do not Bro, I'm like hold the button did that in fucking high school. You remember? I would Hold the button on the mechanical pencil and make the lead go out as far as it could And you'll let you and then you look at me. I just start chewing on the lid and just eat it all Oh, I think I do remember now. You fucking read quote on quote ironically by the way. I did Yummy All that lead that you ate just went all the way to your skin. That's why you're so gray Yeah, that one stick of lead surely changes The color I see I saw you in the corner of the class eating a bunch of lead, bro You would like bring packs and I'd be like hey, man I haven't have any fucking I don't have any more lead on my pencil I'm gonna get some you'd be like get some yourself. This is schizophrenic and retarded damn What are you talking about? CJ back me up. No, yeah, has he ever shared you has he ever shared lead with you? Has he ever shared? No, I used wooden pencils That I sharpened with scissors. I would get my wooden pencil stolen from me and broken in half Oh my bad Yeah You were so fucked up for that, bro me Yeah, because fucking it was me and And who was it? We called him Jesse, right? And I was heisenberg. Yeah, you were heisenberg. I don't know who the fuck I was I don't know who you were either, but we we used to just bully you by stealing your pencils And then one time I grabbed his fucking pencil and then he just That's what I was gonna say. Jesse fucking Jesse had this pencil he called old reliable and it was It was basically just the eraser and a straight point Because it was so short. It was like an inch long pencil that he took that he kept for years or some shit And you threatened to break it like a dickhead. Me? That was old reliable How could how the fuck could you do that? Yeah, all your pencils were new. So basically we just gave you two free pencils You're welcome by the way You threatened to break his pride and joy Yeah, I went to break his pride and joy after 10 fucking pencils that he broke I wouldn't be I like I didn't have like a lot of pencils I would have like one on me any time I would go to class and then he would just fucking break it I would have to like exactly and we gave you two I Don't think it works that way. They were pretty fucking small pencils and he still broke them You're welcome You we you would enter the class with one pencil and we would double the amount worst page being ungrateful about it Really makes you think he stopped. I think it had like stopped after half the year Yeah, after you did that After yeah, after I threatened and I grabbed it And then I was like, oh, those are feel good now. Huh, faggot. I remember him. He was like, no, no, no, no He was traumatized. You were like gonna kill the wee action on his face It's like a pure shock Yeah, fear You seem breaking bad, right? That was like the equivalent of um, what was his name that ginger dude killing jesse's girlfriend at the time Oh No, I don't remember. I don't remember that I thought you were gonna say it was gonna be like when when jesse was like He can't keep getting away with this like screaming and crying Because that's that's what I remember. Oh, that was me to fucking Joel. What are you talking about? Oh jesse my Nobody's gonna figure out who Joel is. It's fine. Yeah, that's fair But I mean like uh, we're like slowly I think running out of things to talk about like I don't even know What to even talk about next week? Wait, wait I didn't talk about the thing I hated. Oh, yeah, I thought you just skipped over it No, I was really tired and I and I woke up and Oh, wait. No, nevermind. I remember what I hate now Oh, I hate having the shit at work I'm like andre I very rarely take shits at work because I have to shoot in porta potties when I do so it's all they always really gross and disgusting but as you guys know loyal listeners of the show know That about half of the foods I eat caused me to shit myself most of the food at least So So last night I went to Dave's hot chicken and I got like a chicken sandwich Right, and it was spicy. I got like they have different spice levels. I got like very very hot or whatever and I knew in the morning. I was probably gonna regret it, but I was like no this shit sounds good right now. I need the macros I need the protein So I ate it at about 11 p.m And I couldn't sleep last night. I fell asleep at like one. I think but By the time I actually did fall asleep, I was like should I go take a shit and I was like no, I'll go I'll go in the morning I went in the morning and You know, it was a good amount of shit came out spicy uh But I thought I was done That wasn't till I had my my morning coffee And if there's one thing that you should never do It's mix a spicy dinner with coffee in the morning Oh boy My fucking farts were ransed. They were disgusting Absolutely bro. You know how bad your farts have to be for your your own stuff to think that they smell like shit What do you know fucking you don't fuck your own fart? Yeah, you know, you know how bad they have to be I was doing closets and I was farting in there and I was like, oh Okay, I have to leave And then I was like all right. I've had enough. I'm gonna I'm going to shit myself. I even texted Matthew I texted him. I was like bro. I just want you to know that if I shit myself There's nothing that anybody could have done to stop it. It was inevitable So I tried holding it as long as I could couldn't hold it went to the porta potties You know, and I got a you got to lay down as much toilet paper as you can everywhere So you don't touch anything so you don't accidentally give yourself aids you know, you got a You got to hover a bit and then you got to make sure you don't get any splash back because Those toilets don't flush. It's just piles of shit on top of each other. So I hate having a shit at work. That's that's my story You like shit every fucking time. I don't know why you're so surprised. I don't know why you do it to yourself either You know when you eat spicy I know I know I don't know why I why I get surprised either like I do it to myself I I have no one to blame but myself. It's just an addiction Yeah, you ate like a jalapeno pizza and then like 30 minutes later. You got to shit your brains out Yeah, and then on top of that after after I did that I had a spicy lunch as well What did you have for lunch? It was like a A chicken salad, but I put a bunch of hot sauce on it. Oh my fucking god Even you have hot sauce with your salad, bro. I'm never heard that combo. Yeah Yeah, what the fuck is pretty good It's like no dressing is just hot sauce No, no, okay Well, I used to okay. You guys have had like chicken salad or no. Yeah Yeah not like with leaves and shit like Like mayonnaise and shit like that Like look it up if you don't know what it is like it's that and I just put hot sauce on it but I have had actual salad with like Salsa in it. I used to make the salad in like eighth grade when I was trying to lose weight And it would be like garnet salva lettuce And uh and salsa and I would eat that every day for lunch. What was he doing? I Was eating good. No life was not you're like so harming yourself So far. Yeah, I mean in a way could count that is so far, but Uh, you were talking about we don't really know what to talk Yeah, that's kind of the reason that I've been padding this for so long. We're 25 minutes in haven't even talked about the spreadsheets But uh, what did what did we talk about last week? We were I think we ranked black people again or the the best ones for black history month Yeah, and I was really embarrassed because I realized at the end of the show that we already ranked black people so So this week I realized that we could never let that happen again And we have to come up with new fresh original ideas of what we're going to be talking about on the show So this week we're going to be talking about things to talk about next week Okay What do we think? Yeah Okay, sounds good. I would like to know. Yeah, I there's no um mystery category though Oh shit, which one should be the mystery category? Uh Yeah, this one Yeah, sorry. I I made this before I took my nap so So it's all fucked up Okay, so From bottom to top we have fetishes literally me characters creative ways to commit suicide races again trends heroes animals Jobs math you should apply for types of porn and genders And then up across the top we have the attributes speech intellect reading wits strength sleight of hand nigga tree Pena size current events knowledge Povoment will get me laid white people. I'm going to kill myself low and ah Do we have any questions about any of the things on the left? Um Pretty straightforward. They're self-explanatory. Yeah, okay. There's two mystery categories Question about what the attributes so Okay, what's up with the what's up with the attributes? What is all I mean? Oh, I was losing my mind. So I Just wanted I felt the need to vocalize that and that's like how likely these things are to like make me go. Ah, and the I'm gonna get myself full Oh that one Yeah, oh it's so any other questions Povoment can you I think that one's pretty so explain what a Povoment is yeah, so the povoment is like how likely you are to have a povoment during that uh During that topic. Mm Do you know what a povoment is? I cannot can you enlighten me Ah, it's when you when you say something that's really unfunny and nobody laughs That's that's the povoment or it's like or it's like really cringy and nobody like acknowledges it. Yeah, that's a povoment Okay, it's self-explanatory. Yeah, and then uh Why do we have a nigga tree up there again? No, that's the weekly one. Don't you remember? You were gone from the show for a while. So maybe you forgot Yeah, I was um, I'm more used to street speaks now even after being there for like one episode. Yeah, you're one episode. Yeah Uh Well, there's no spreadsheets on street speak. So even then I was in there for like one episode in like five minutes like Late and even then I had more dialogue than Andre's ever had That's true. I think Humidively like you spoke more than Andre has in the entirety of every single show he's been on Well the guy that doesn't shut his fucking trap talks more than the guy that doesn't talk What what dude No way It's a podcast you're supposed to be speaking No, me and sosa already talked about it. He's like the cool mysterious one that Like people will clip every word he's ever said and then the total will be like a like a five-minute video But it's like everyone's like whoa, he's so cool. Everything he speaks is facts. Yep And then like you When you talk, it's like 99 bullsh*t. So there'll be like a compilation of his 13 cringe cops everything good you've ever I wasn't gonna say that I was gonna say if they had a compilation of like every cool thing you've said It would be like a two-second long video You know just be like like you saying my name or Andre's name What about Andre I already said it were you not paying attention his oh, I thought you were talking about sosa No, no, no, no, no like Andre would be like the cool mysterious one where like the fans latched latch onto everything he's ever said I mean he has like I wouldn't even say latch on to them like It's like almost as if like an English teacher taking this small-ass quote and try to like expand it further That's what they're basically doing with Andre. Yeah Well, that makes Andre equivalent to Kanye Thanks, man Yeah, no problem Yeah, no problem. I I mean you've got like the fashion of him Think I think you've got that down. Okay Yeah, so uh, what do we get into first? Uh, do you have any problems with this pave? Literally me characters. Why is the intellect so low on that? Oh, I don't know I don't know. I just made the spreadsheet Yeah, so the intellect is low because If you have to forge your own personality based on other characters, then you're not you're probably not very smart Like you can't make your own personality. Okay You're not gonna argue with that No Just wanted to know your reasoning This even no, I think the intellect should be like 15 because obviously the characters they pick are really cool and interesting Like batman smart Yeah, like batman or like any Ryan Gosling character recently. I've been feeling like himbo vibes So I've honestly been trying to go for like a whole can thing. I've been working out for How's that been working out for me? I mean the other day I was hanging out with the chick and she told me that I give off like himbo vibes So it's working out. Okay What about um I don't think literally me characters have anything to do with nigga tree. I don't I don't think any like Any guy that says that's literally me has been a black character Maybe miles, but that's about it Miles even then Kanye Batman Bayman's not black the suit he wears is black. Yeah, he is Yeah, he's black Even then black people whenever they say that's literally me they they all like almost usually pick a white person too I was gonna I was gonna argue with him when I'm just sitting here trying to think and I can't think of anyone You can't think of a single black character. Why can't but one that's like literally me Who is it evil boo get one then Pucking bitch It's not gonna make sense to anybody See see that was a povoment Everyone know okay. I wasn't even the first one that called him evil boo. So how's that even a povoment? Yeah, okay, but nobody who's gonna listen to this knows what he looks like Okay, that's not even true. Okay, who else? It is very true. So I gotta find that clip again. Where's that video so some a You made that before you called me that let's count I Video so I kind of well if we're ever gonna look at this list what is something that we actually want to talk about Because I think literally me characters is like I would want to talk about that creative ways to commit suicide I would want to talk about that and I know we I said like I never wanted to like accidentally do an episode over again But technically we already did races. It's just a long lost episode But if we were to do it again, it would be like the first time We actually uploaded it. I just want to know how the fuck would we do a spreadsheet on genders? There's only like two of them Okay, big it first of all there's more than that. How many are there? Infinite. Do you agree with that Andre? Yeah I mean, how do you think I identify as Something new every single week? Oh, yeah, that is true. Keep forgetting. I mean, I just like to use my Same genders because I don't like to change Yeah, I'm just like me who are gender fluid kind of like go through shit every week to like Pick a good gender and you kind of just Like ignored all my hard work In my feelings. I don't feel validated right now. It's pretty violent. You saw as an apologize We have to whirl with him All right, all right. I'll say it There you go. I apologize I think you didn't you're gonna edit some bullshit in. Oh, I'm not Yeah, you are whenever I ever done that last week apparently when you edit out me saying no homo I also edited when I was talking about sucking Kanye's toes or whatever I was saying I Also edited out you saying like um the homeless people being slaves is a joke Ah, did you really yeah Okay, good because I actually do believe that I was right to do so. I was like he doesn't he doesn't mean that I don't mean that it was a joke. Yeah, you're right. Yeah I'm like Matthew should apply. Oh, sorry. Go ahead No, no, I was just gonna ask you what were you gonna say about jobs? Matthew should apply for? I was gonna say that's something I I would also want to partake in Um, yeah, I think that's a good topic because Matthew moved out to wherever he moved like when like a year ago now and he said that he was gonna Like get a job when he moved out there and he's still yet to have a job. It seems to look that way Yeah, so hope he can get him on and like help him out since Since Doug didn't want to come on so he could help him get a job You just completely changed the spreadsheet from like Some of the jokes Some of the jokes would still fit because Matthew is fat too That is true. That is true I would argue maybe just like maybe five pounds lighter than Doug. Maybe did you say you need like two seeds? I don't know I think Doug is like fucking round though How tall is Doug anyway? I don't know. He says I don't know if it's a joke. I'm pretty sure it's a joke. He says he's five three Yeah, obviously Yeah, so I don't know how tall he actually is I think he said it once or twice, but I just don't remember I'd like to think him saying five three was the thing that got him fired because he was the only person in his job That was actually five three Mm-hmm Well penis size for 20. How does that make any sense for job and math you should apply for Because once he gets a job, he could afford penis enlargement surgery for his micro penis and he'll get a giant dig Okay, and the knowledge negative. What if one of them is a male stripper Wait, what would you say about male stripper? What if one of the jobs that he applies for is a male stripper So we're like a male escort. So what you're saying is he wouldn't have enough money for a penis enlargement surgery or he would No, I'm saying like the penis size like kind of fits into Okay. Yeah, I think it's at the appropriate level. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense You saw that AI picture of fucking Matthew with a manjina, right? Yeah, what the fuck was that? Jesus Christ Me who's who got that sent it to you? Was I think it was Arthur Didn't he send it or was it was it Sosa? I think it was Frederick that sent it on the instagram Yeah, well, I don't know who sent it on the instagram, but all I know is that it came straight from Frederick's phone number Oh Yeah, I don't I don't keep up with the discord boar. So I only know what goes on in on instagram Yeah, I don't I don't keep up with that either. It's been a while I was gonna say though knowledge at a negative two I think it's really smart for Matthew to apply to a job. Why would that be at a negative two? Because he has no job experience so The experience he does have would equate to like literally negative experience because imagine Applying to a new job and saying that your only experience was working at pizza hut for a day Eight hours to look at you they would look at you worse than if you had no experience at all What do you even tell them man, like I didn't even build up a resume at that point He's like I just wasn't feeling it, you know This wasn't for me had one bad day that bad day was my first day. I felt like I deserved more money Why would you even put that on your resume? I don't think he's I don't think he would You guys know I've got paid from that. What is this scenario? Did he get a single day's check fucking nothing it would be nothing Or did he volunteer for eight hours? Basically, that's all pretty much how it feels Oh, dude speaking. Yeah, $48 Okay, listen, but that's not like Jobs, Matthew should apply that shouldn't go with knowledge of his like experience. I think the act of him Physically applying for jobs is smart, especially at his age At his age, yes I guess something it's more. I think it's necessary I mean, would you would you say it's it's smarter for him to keep on doing what he's doing now? Or would you say it's smarter for him to apply a job apply for jobs? No, I think you're right because we're knowledgeable in jobs so we could help him and It would be like very smart of him to like take our advice So I think we could put it to like a four like slightly below average in knowledge Yeah, because then again before it was a negative two Yeah, because then again the experience is a huge factor when it comes to like Getting put in for jobs. I mean he could like use the argument that he's an immigrant. He has no experience Oh, yeah, you're right. He could say that he came illegally from like Mexico And then someone will give him a job for free I mean granted he won't get any benefits or like high pay because of it, but he'll still get a job Yeah Or he could be like a diverse diversity hire He has some color on his skin. I think he could pull it off Yeah, he's like a little mutt mix of things. So he could probably like get some good job He should be a male model honestly For his hair Yeah, like I feel like I could picture him on a target like wall like a picture like a picture of him at target For like a plus size model The male plus size section. Yeah Have you guys noticed that anytime you go into a target now, it's all fat bitches on the wall Not only just fat bitches on the wall, but fucking fat mannequins as well. I can't escape them Yo, I know it's like they have the fat mannequins the fat bitches on the wall and all of them are like black women It's all about empowerment, dude Empowering what obesity diabetes Listen remember what sosa said last like last time. Can you really blame fat people for being fat? Kanye said it. They're making the twig sizes bigger to get that double the size of the twigs They're trying to make us fat. You could just not eat the twigs But what if you like twigs? I mean they made them bigger, right? Then portion yourself Yeah, have like a bite every hour No bite every no you retard that still comes out to the same amount of calories. It's not how that works No, you digested test really small bites Oh, I forgot. I need to like get a giant chocolate cake or something Because apparently I'm too skinny According to Arthur. Do you think if we got Matthew a job it would get me laid somehow? Oh Yeah, so I think if I were to get Matthew a job like I could probably get in with his co-workers or his boss or something and like sleep with them I Know are you gonna say anything to that Andre? You know, I've been waiting for you to speak this entire fucking time, dude I was giving you the spotlight like You're telling me I even here much if you're here. I don't think he's here Andre you fucking bitch ass motherfucker. Look, this is what I'm talking about Okay, where the fuck did you go Genius I got asked a question by my mother you I love this You know in the What were you saying in? You know in we are assholes One of the hosts would constantly get interrupted by his mom too And that dude's name was Andrew So I think this is very fitting What a coincidence. Yeah, what a coincidence. Andre No, I was just saying if If Matthew did get a job, do you think that would get me laid somehow? How would I get you laying because like I could get in with his co-workers or boss or something? You're gonna go all the way over to where he lives just to get laid with one of his co-workers Me fuck dude yesterday. I saw this fucking fine-ass bitch working for a food truck in his city I was like, yo, I might travel for that So so yeah, I think I'm looking to girl your dream She ends up being the girl you're doing not for real So do you guys think that would work or no or like it would be like a charity case where like I told women like oh, yeah I helped my bum friend get his life together. They're like wow. You're such a good guy I think the only way that's gonna happen is if his boss is like a very like Hittiest woman and in order for him to get hired you would have to like fuck her What not that? I'm just saying I know pouring world shit He's he's on that good. I'm trying to do it. It's will get me laid. I'm just trying to make sense of it I think Any good work, but I don't know. I think you guys are kind of downplaying it a bit I don't see how that changes anything the changes anything about what like like Matthew like Being their co-workers and you flirting with them. How does that increase? You're getting pussy I don't see how it does because then Matthew would be there to like be like, oh, yeah, this dude Oh, man, this guy's a stud You know Oh, so it's like a plant. Oh wingman situation. Yeah. Yeah, like I go in to like Go bug Matthew, but in reality like I just hit on his co-workers And then he like is a good wingman I don't know, but he's awkward around the bitches. Maybe it'll it would lower I'll do that for you You do that for me. That sounds real as fun. Yeah, should I go to to your state Just to travel to the Walmart I mean There there's a couple bad bitches. All right, get them the blue hair thing. You can count them on your hand I could count them up the amount but like did you already like get at them or no because I don't want sloppy seconds Only one of them. Did your other co-workers get with actually two of them. I forgot about that. Yo Okay, did your other co-workers get with them because How deep are you guys in like how deep are you guys in the fucking conversation the goddamn recording stop midway? What happened? Oh You're recording, okay Should be fine Is it safe or no? but No, but we have to get it back. That's good. I'll just put a reminder to break 40 something minutes What was I saying? I was asking. I was asking Okay, like if you're over if your other co-workers got at them because I don't want any sloppy seconds Probably honestly hello. I don't I don't really know though. No, it's okay. I'll stick with the Walmart bitches here Yeah, they're probably bad. You said they're badder. I don't know dude. I yeah not fat as fuck Let's see here. I don't know the one at the like The neighborhood Walmart like the grocery Walmart the bitches there are better than the ones at the big Walmart Or I miss them the little Walmart Why do you miss them? I hate going there. It's full of black people. They were fine. No I like smith's more. I'm a smith kind of dude even the fucking smith here is filled with black people now It pisses me off because they had to lock up a bunch of shit there too Shut off the smiths too though. Shout out to smith Going to one of those neighborhood Walmart at night. Okay. She was like, man. Oh, yeah, that is a vibe I uh I think I'm gonna like I'm gonna get out of the hood and I'm gonna go to like a neighborhood with like a whole foods Or in albertsons perhaps whole foods No, I fuck alberts. What do you have against albertsons? Pave left. I think he died by the way, so we're gonna have to continue like carrying this shit by ourselves Okay, that's fine. What what why do you hate albertsons? I don't know if it's anecdotal But when I was a kid, I live next to him. Uh-huh Bro, and that shit was always dirty as fuck Okay, um The fucking like the janitor. I think it was actually like when I'm really oh That might explain why what what happened pay for you good now Yeah, the fucking wife. I just cut out just suddenly. Oh, yeah, I have to be too so tiny But yeah, they fucking recording just got screwed. We have the backup That's fair Okay, we'll be good Yeah, we were just talking about albertsons and andres said he hates albertsons because there was one in the hood when he was a kid And it was really dirty Yeah I don't know albertsons is like I used to go there when I was a kid, but it was in like a nice area But my mom said it was too expensive. So we stopped going there Expensive yeah, isn't it basically just What stories even like a Walmart just any store like it's a supermarket dude. I don't know Yeah, just any super market. Yeah, but the prices are fucking insane In biden's america. Yeah, I could see them being insane. Yeah, good or done Fuck you and in janitor like The albertsons prices they're insane. I would only go to like albertsons Um when like me and my parents would go out to sporting like events And then we would get like a bucket of chicken wings because they were like cheap back then They were fucking good good ass chicken wings I should go to like like halfway through this recording I don't remember what we were talking about, but I was thinking like I should go get ice cream But now i'm thinking I should go get like cookies from walmart the neighborhood walmart I think i should go get bit peptil bismol Why for like my shitty stomach? Yeah, you're fucking shits No, that made my shits worse one time. I like had some of that shit and turned my poops black Like actually like black Something is decaying inside you huh Was it a liquid like like my shits where they black liquid or where the Was the peptil yeah like was it a black like no, it's like what's it? I think some were solid and I think some were liquid Black a bile spewing from my asshole Yeah, that's not healthy I'll be good I think if i'm going to die from something I always say that I feel like i'm going to live the longest. I think i'm probably going to get stomach cancer and die at like 40 I I don't even know what I even want to talk about on this list genuinely because like They're all so good because i'm a genius I'll just leave it at that. Yeah, sure, but the only one I would even like remotely want to be there for Would be the jobs math you should apply for because maybe even I can learn something from it too Oh, yeah, you're on your unemployment journey as well, huh? Yeah As we can't apply for unemployment So he's kind of screwed. Yeah Yeah, you we we should change it to jobs math you and pave Yeah slash pave should apply for slash pave Does that mean the knowledge should go up because I have a good amount of work experience. Oh, you're right. That would change everything So your work experience you've been working since high school, right? Yeah, it's like a it's like an eight You've got a couple of years under your belt The white people Oh, yeah, what about white people? I think you should go up as well then because oh because you're white. Yeah, yeah 16 I think we could talk about we should talk about creative ways to commit suicide um I think speech and intellect should go all the way up speech and intellect for creative ways to commit suicide Yeah, this would probably be one of the most intellectual okay 20 and collect conversations to be held out there Yeah, I think if we were we could just come up with a bunch of like goofy like contraptions of like just different ways to kill ourselves if we were to do that So if intellect goes up that means wit would have to go up because if you're making like wily coyote contraptions you have to be pretty witty to like have a Be an engineer You guys talk it over Um, well, yeah, you would have to be very create okay Well creative ways to commit suicide like why even do it? To creatively you're gonna die either way. No one else is gonna fucking appreciate your work They're just gonna call you a pussy and a dumbass for like killing yourself Well, what if they do then it's just like a complete waste of time I think But I do agree you have to be very witty in order to create a cool contraption to kill yourself with At least a little bit of an engineering background Yeah degree Like or you can probably put yourself in a soft contraption I'm she I knew you were gonna bring that up How long is it Vince as I brought that brought up saw? Tell me it's been a bit. I'll give you that. Yeah, you give me that and you get and you give me this saw x was a pretty damn good movie You understand why I would want to talk about it a lot I reached out to the director through dms telling him like please I want to be in your movie and did he leave you on See lift me on delivered. So I still have hope He's just charging his phone I'm good now some shit happened with my recording to the fucking audio split up. So good luck, babe Well, we have Craig We have Craig Okay, but what were you guys talking about? I completely missed Well, I was saying that there's like it's kind of pointless to kill you like kill yourself in a creative way It doesn't matter if you do an creative way You're still gonna die either way and no one's gonna like appreciate your work But I do agree you would have to have some sort of engineering background in order to come up with something No, I think you're wrong. I think people would appreciate it more if it's creative If you catapult into a wall into the world trade center There's gonna be so many people who think that's hilarious And the window cleaners as well I mean they probably want to appreciate it, but everyone else will think it's really funny Yeah, there's gonna be bits of pieces of him flying everywhere hitting people as they come down The building explodes again for some reason Jesus Like I strapped C4 to myself as I catapult myself Penis size at a negative three for a creative ways to commit suicide that makes sense because people who killed themselves are kind of pussies Oh, they have a giantness It's a negative penis. Yeah, wouldn't you have need to have a lot of knowledge though to kill yourself in a creative way Uh like knowledge and what like the engineering background you were kind of talking about Mm. I guess so you would like have to study read up a bit. I'm like different methods Because like a bullet it's like that's lame I mean you would he still have to have like gun knowledge. So yeah, I guess you have to have knowledge No matter how you kill yourself with at least like human anatomy But if you're if you're trying to be creative with it that that should go up to like well like a eight sphere I'll say a nine You'd say a nine Yeah, I could see that I was gonna say like a cool way someone can do it is like a strap like a bomb But just filled with fentanyl on themselves It's like when they explode everyone is just like obliterated in a mile rate And then anyone that comes close to it just overdoses That was the opposite of a Provoment So i'm gonna put that down to a five because that was actually funny was awesome Some to see that's like That is crazy to think about That's why you're here because Although like 80% of what you say is provoments You got you got some Some jewels in there Some diamonds in the rough sometimes I wouldn't take that person. I mean sometimes the brain stems connect naturally. I don't know Brain stems Nevermind I was in the moment. How would um how would Killing yourself get you laid. I mean unless you blow yourself up and get 70 virgins Then I would that's exactly when I was thinking but that's not crazy like except they don't get that What do they get fucking sent back to where they were before and relive it Is that true loop of them dying? Yes That's not true. Then why do I hear all of this stuff about the 72 virgins They want to make you feel better Before you pass on now you're capping there's no way. That's true. You're lying. You're lying right like you're you're bullshitting. I know everything You know everything 72 virgins is long suicide bomb Fact or cap Factor cap The suicide bomber lies outside the contingencies of religion and the promise of sex with 72 virgins Huh instead her desire lies squarely in the quest of inclusion What am I reading? Okay, the muslim at Auschwitz Yeah, this is a 15 page paper. I'm not going to read this but i don't really care about this anymore. I'll believe you So you're you're saying it should go down like I won't get laid if I blow myself up in a cool way Yep, what if essentially what if that's the way i'm going to kill myself though I fuck a bunch of people and get stds and then let that slowly kill me It's like a horrible way to die But it'll get me like yes, man. It's pretty creative and we'll get you laid Yeah, so that's a nine staying at a nine the loophole All right, we're gonna get into the mystery category. We already hit an hour Yeah All right, mystery category slurs Um You need to have a lot of knowledge in order to call people by their right slurs True. Oh, that is true. Like there's I want an entire dictionary of just slurs So that could be like a 15. It's a pretty expense expansive list And when you're calling people slurs, you're basically in the uh headspace So it's it should be a 20 Yeah 18 the 20 Yeah, I highly doubt yelling slurs will get you laid to be honest Oh But it's a but it's a sacrifice if it's a sacrifice you're willing to make I feel like all the bitches who you'd wanna fuck Like the hot ones would get upset when you say the slurs and all the ones who would be like Turned on would be like the old gross white ladies like 60 year old old white ladies Like obese like confederate flag shirt type shit trailer park Yeah, so that would be like a negative six I mean you're basically killing your reputation when you yell out slurs So you can put that. I'm going to kill myself up Yeah, you're destroying any future chance of having good job prospects if we talk about this and it's winning right now 20 And slurs are current events everyone's silly telling yelling slurs at everybody so 20 14 14 because some of those slurs are dated. No, that's fair Well, it's still a slur No matter what Yeah, but like So some of them really lost their meaning Like uh like moon cricket like if I call someone a moon cricket like people don't really know what that means anymore Is that shit way in any way Like say sand monkeys Sand monkeys like that's that's a bit dated. It's like cliche by now And do we have anything else are we going to be talking about slurs next week I have one last thing for fetishes. Uh-huh. I think this sleight of hand should go up Why is that? Because what if your fetish is being jerked off at supersonic speeds Like the flash type shit Yeah, what if the flash Just like jerked off on his enemies They wouldn't be able to react so like maybe just like a second goes by just not on their cheek Yeah, I was gonna say they're just not on their face. It's like what do you do at that point? I don't wait. I'm pretty sure like flashes not go so fast. It's like a bullet. It would be like a bullet. Yeah Oh, it would kill them. Yeah I hope they do some shit like that on the boys A train just fucking jerks off and kills someone We can put something right before skin off Would that be like 15 sounds good. All right Anything else Why is the strength of genders at 20 The strength of of genders Yeah, because all people are equal and strong and independent Under I'm gonna say I'm gonna say you get really damn talkative as soon as we're about to end He's just noticing the notion I don't even I don't even address the haters. Yeah, I'm useless. They are That's it for me to be honest. I don't have any other problems with this list All right, let's go ahead and order these then Oh, would you look at that the winner this week is slurs Looks like we're talking about slurs next week Awesome. Awesome. Hell. Yeah Am I gonna like so excited Are we gonna put like hard R on there in his Andre gonna be the only one who's allowed to say it You know just for this I just put the N word for the next episode I'm just not gonna like censor at all. So it's just gonna be like an uncensored episode The slur special. Yeah If retard isn't on that list and doesn't win Is retard even a slur? I say that way too often people would consider people consider a slur now. Yes I say that was golden word of all time Okay retard It's just so satisfying Such a satisfying word I feel like use it for almost any situation Yeah, I feel like when I say retard, I don't feel the same fear As if I were to say like nigga out in public You know Yeah, yeah, because I think racial slurs are worse. Do you think they're worse then like Able is one Fag term Oh, yeah, there's like homophobic slurs. There's like Special people slurs. We're gonna have a lot to talk about next week I have the brainstorm for sure. It's gonna be a great episode All right guys, we're gonna do the outro Andre, you do the outro Aves bitch ass is gonna be you can do it Andre You gotta get you you can do it All right I'm being bitch out Thank you guys for listening. It's been a fantastic episode of we are douchebag I'm Andre It's been real bro Thank you guys for listening check out all our shit share. Please. I'm tired of having four fucking listeners Share this or I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna I'm going to creatively kill myself if this doesn't blow up Yeah, yeah Send it to people that you don't like and follow our other socials All right, thank you guys guys bye Peace and pay got a big asset