Soloo episode!
Emotionally Unavailable
Episode 50: Just Keep Swimming
[MUSIC PLAYING] Welcome to Emotionally Unavailable, the podcast where we dive deep into the world of emotional availability and intimacy. I'm your host, Melissa Hepner. And I can't tell you how excited I am to have you join me on this journey of self-discovery and connection. Whether you're navigating the complexities of relationships or exploring your own emotional landscape, this podcast is here to inspire, empower, and entertain. So get cozy and let's explore the depths of human emotions together. All right, guys. This is going to be a solo episode because, well, we're not going to get into it or the reason why it's late today. But how are you? Everybody's good. Hope everyone's great. I've been seeing a lot of really good stuff on TikTok lately, like, you know, just this kind of stuff that I really like. So that's been cool. But I recorded my zero symposium, like, talk. Feel OK about it. And I don't know. I've been-- you will hear this on Friday's episode. But when Jane and I were talking, I had just kind of come up with this philosophy that means the same stuff we've been talking about. But if you are dismissive of others, it's because you're trying to dismiss a feeling within yourself. So I think I've been seeing this a lot with my older son, where he's pretty dismissive. And I'm sure that part of that is because of how dismissive I was to him at a certain point in his life. But specifically, he's very dismissive of his sister. But they are actually the most alike. So I really think that part of what I'm seeing with them-- not these, like, mean to her or whatever-- but she's very tender. And the thing is that she's one of those people who cherishes her things, not like takes care of them. Don't get that twisted. But she loves her stuff. She loves her bed. She loves her blankets. She loves her pillowcases. She notices all of the things about her stuffed animals. I mean, she just-- she loves her stuff. It means a great deal to her. And I don't remember if I told you guys this or not. But one day, she was particularly upset about something-- I don't remember what it was. But I was like, you know, oh, I was trying to get rid of some stuff because it was so cluttered. And I got rid of one thing because it was broken, like, beyond repair. I don't even remember what it was. So she was very sad. And I was just-- I hate it. I hate that because when your kids are sad, it hurts, even if it's not about you. And so I know that I've always been really dismissive of her because my natural reaction is to go, well, if you hadn't blah, blah, blah, blah, into blame because I'm, like, mad that I'm having to feel bad for them. It's weird. I don't even know if I'm explaining it right. Anyway, I said, sis, you know, when people feel this kind of thing very deeply the way that you do, you really hate to lose your stuff. And that indicates to me that you have a loss wound and explained that. And I said, can you think of any losses that have impacted you? And she immediately said, Ellie, her little stuffed animal. And then she said, I was like, oh, yeah, and then a green baby before that, huh? Because it was another little stuffy she had had. And she was like, yeah. And then she said, in the old house. And I was like, oh, gosh, I never even thought about that. She really has creeped our old house. And I think that it's literally just because-- well, probably two things. One, she shared a room with us the whole time we were there because I had just moved the boys into their own bedrooms two weeks before finding out that I was pregnant with her. Because we had tried for a long time, had two miscarriages, stopped trying, but not in our hearts necessarily. We just weren't scheduling things. We were hoping it would happen, but we weren't timing things on purpose. So we stopped trying. And it was whenever I said, oh, OK, I guess it's not going to happen. OK, here's the deal. Let me back up. I saw a lot of things happen that didn't have to happen with my brother's sharing a room. Nothing crazy. But because of that and the way, like, actually, I guess Charlie's a lot like me. I'm very take ownership. Like, that's mine. It doesn't matter if I'm using it. It doesn't matter whatever. You have to ask. You have to respect the fact that that's mine. I'm very weird about my stuff. I also have a huge lost wound. You know that. So because of the whole territorial thing, I just did not want my kids to have to share a room. It was also a symbol to me of kind of where I was at in life if they didn't have to. So I didn't want them to share a room. Of course, they shared a room in the apartment that I lived in during the divorce crazies. But they shared a room at the house that Brian lived in when we moved in to because that's our old house. But because Brian had one of those bedrooms as an office when we moved in. And then I thought, well, we'll just save it like that. And keep that for a nursery. Well, it didn't work out. So we didn't get pregnant. I was ready. They were-- Bryson had in the middle school, whatever. And it felt like an important developmental time where he could possibly be on his own. So anyways, we moved rooms, found out I was pregnant. And I just immediately said, OK, I am not putting them back together. So will you just tell me that we will make the garage a bedroom within a year? And he's like, yep. And I was like, OK. OK, well, five years down the road, that hadn't happened. And we had no room. And I was done sharing a room with a kid. And we just had no room for her stuff. So I think that's one of the things she misses, and she misses our pool. But I don't know. I don't know. So she has a loss wound that's really like just tender. She wants her stuff respected. She wants to make sure that we understand she loves those things, whether she is using them or not. And Bryson gets a little irritable with her about it. And just is like, well, I mean, you're not using it. Shut up. He doesn't say those words, but it's very obvious that's what he's thinking or feeling. And so I've been trying to have private conversations with him where I'm like, hey, your sister, that's her stuff, you know? And he's ex-dismissive about it to me, too. And so I finally said like, hey, you know, when you're dismissing others, you're dismissing feelings in yourself. He didn't really acknowledge it. But what I think he's dismissing, if I were to guess, is his resentment that those weren't considerations that he got. And I mean, to be really honest, I want to talk to him about it. But I don't, because I'm scared to bring that up. Because, you know, I feel like that's a really emotional conversation, if it's a very large wound for somebody. And I want to make sure it's a safe environment whenever we have a conversation like that. And to me, just springing a subject like that on somebody maybe isn't safe. I don't know. I mean, I might be overthinking it. You can tell me what you think. But, yeah, I've really been thinking about this dismissive thing. Because, ugh, I just made a revelation, too. This is the thing that I've felt the strongest about my entire life. It was the being dismissed above all else. Above all abuse, neglect, emotional, psychological warfare. It was the being dismissed that really got me. And that's the shit. That's what's made me not share things happening in my life with people my whole life. Because I'm worried about-- well, not worried about. It's been confirmed to me on hundreds of occasions that I will be dismissed when I express a feeling or, you know, like about something they did to me, you know the words. Like, if I'm having a hard time with somebody, telling them about it just usually doesn't go well. And then, like, just all the look at the bright side kind of shit, I don't want to. I'm very clearly in the middle of something. And I'm not ready to look at the bright side. And that's the thing. You know, if Pete ever listens to this, hi, Pete, this is the thing. We talked about this on the podcast. And we were DMing the other day, and he said this again. So, you know, I'll just say this. I'm going to explain this part. And I know that there are lots of people who aren't into any of the woo-woo shit I'm into. So, you can skip this part, or you can just listen to me explain something he said. We're not getting into the woo-woo. I'm just explaining this. So, there's this concept in the, like, metaphysical world. You know, when you're thinking more spiritually than in a religious way, there are people who believe, especially, like, if you believe in reincarnation, there's this idea that we as a soul choose our path before we go and experience it. We choose our parents, we choose our struggles, we choose whatever. And so, Pete asks himself, why did I attract this? Which is some people call it a 4D concept, some people call it spiritual, some people call it woo-woo, some people call it Buddhism, whatever, right? But that's why I said to Pete on the podcast, like, "Well, we're not really gonna do that." Because whenever I went to see a medium, that was something that was said, and it was very, very, very triggering for me. 'Cause I'm like, well, okay, I can believe that. I mean, I don't, I probably do believe it, but the fact of the matter is I'm living in a 3D human body, and I'm having very real human experiences. And so, we have to find the balance between our emotional lives and our spiritual lives. They're all intertwined, obviously, but it also, there is some separation there. 'Cause if you are doing spiritual things, oftentimes you're thinking and not feeling. So when you're asking yourself, what did I do to attract this experience? You're also dismissing your feelings. So, you can get to a place where you process your emotions, and then once it's through, you can ask yourself that question. I'm talking to people who believe in this stuff, not to the people who don't, but my point is that balance of human nature and anything spiritual or even religious, because, oop, you know, I'm about to say something controversial here, but y'all, I in no way believe that the church is mental health treatment in no way. I don't believe the church can help you with a sex addiction. I don't believe, well, first of all, I don't believe in sex addiction. I believe that people use sex to regulate and in numbing behavior and that they get a lot of dopamine that they're addicted to and they don't understand the cycle of dopamine or, you know, any of that shit. So, anyway, again, controversial because that's who I am. So, you know, I just believe that the church, the church has its role and mental health isn't it, and it needs to stay in its damn lane, because your church is youth pastor, likely a piece of shit who doesn't need to be counseling your child, okay? Now, I've met lots of youth pastors that weren't, you know, obviously pieces of shit, but I'm not saying this because, like, anti-religion or even my religious trauma. I'm saying this because I've seen the damage that's done when you rely on the church to treat your child's mental health disorder, okay? Very likely you are the one who needs treatment because you, and I don't mean that like me, I'm saying this actually from personal experience. My kids need lots of stuff emotionally, mentally, physically that I just don't have the capacity to give and I'm the only one they'll ask. So, I'm the person who has a ton of trouble asking for help for myself. So, if I have to, if I can't do something, I no longer feel like I'm asking somebody to help them. Like, hey, I can't do this, could you help them with this? It feels like I'm asking them to help me 'cause it's my responsibility that I'm failing at. So, anyway, I'm saying that from personal experience. But I do believe that possibly this is a case where the parents need some help. If your first thought is let's go to the church for help, I'm sorry, no. If you want to be marketed as a Christian counselor or whatever counselor for whatever religion and however that practice wants to go, great, but there better be some actual real life mental health shit involved because any religious teachings, not it, don't cry, not even the spiritual stuff, a lot of times. I mean, most of the shit that I've learned can be and does get correlated into the spiritual work that I'm doing too, which when I say spiritual work, I'm only clarifying this so that people can understand, I'm not talking about doing anything weird, but you know, for instance, a woman's cycle is on average 28 days from the time she starts her period until the time she, you know, it till it ends and she starts another one, I've explained that to you before in the reproductive system. But anyway, you know, the moon does the same thing. It works in 28 day cycles. We're very connected to the moon. We're very connected to the solar system. You don't have to believe that, but there's a lot of proof there. So yeah, I'm just doing stuff like that. But a lot of the emotional work that I do ties in to that really easily for me. It can tie really easily into your religion if you want it to, but there's a time and a place. And in the mental health world, we have got to separate the religion from it because that religion ain't going to help nobody, okay? So anyway, that's just my controversy last opinion. So do what you want with that. But I mean, just now, I believe that the church is causing a lot of harm to people because there's too much ego involved. Because let me tell you this, if I was a fucking youth pastor and a parent brought a kid to me to be their therapist, I'd be like, yeah, this is out of my scope of practice. You know who they should be seeing a fucking therapist, but no, no, no, lots of youth pastors out there just assuming that they can help somebody like that. You can't, dude, there's so much, I'm sorry, no, okay. We'll move on. But anyway, my point is, well, actually I don't remember my point if we're being 100% honest. So dismissive, I know we were talking about that before, but regardless. So ever since I have been really working on grounding, first of all, hey guys, that's going really well. I need you to know that. I'm really excited about that. The second I feel myself bubble up, even just a little bit, I go ahead on and I start looking at things around me. I'm like, ope green sign, white sign, letters, number 45, you know, whatever, just anything to bring me back to the present moment. And man, it works because, you know, being triggered just causes a lot of overthinking, which creates a lot of hurt feelings because neuroplasticity, my brain is believing what I'm telling it in those moments. So if I can just come back to the present, then I can start like breathing or whatever else to go along with the grounding. And man, you guys, it's working so well. And it's not that I never thought it would. It's that I wasn't able to slow things down enough at that time to be able to remember, to utilize those techniques. But because I've been talking about them so much and neuroplasticity is a thing, it's now no longer on autopilot. It is right there in my conscious that says, hey, whenever, you know, you get like this, you got a ground and I have been using grounding objects. I mean, all kinds of stuff and it's just going really well. I do remember talking about now how I felt dismissed my whole life and even with adult friendships. And now I, you know, now that I've really looked into this mirror thing, no wonder. I mean, I've definitely blocked those feelings. I know that I did not realize how dismissive I was because it's only certain things that make me feel really dismissive or certain people. And I mean, I know that I'm doing it to protect myself from lots of things and not just from feeling that one thing that happens when they're crying in front of me or whatever. But again, I've just been, you're going to hear me talk to Jane about this on Friday, but I've just been really, really trying to immerse myself in the philosophy of leading with compassion, leading with love, leading with kindness. And, you know, yes, that is a far cry from the teachings that I'm giving my daughter about being impolite to strangers because I do think there's a difference between being polite and being kind. And she gets to decide who she wants to give her energy to and it's not her job to make comfortable, or strangers comfortable. And so I want her to know that always if she wants to interact, she can. If she doesn't want to, she doesn't have to. But when she does choose to interact with people, I want her to lead with compassion, being present with people. And that's what I'm really trying to do is be present. Coming from a place where I say this person is a human with their own wounding that I want to do my very best not to hit. And I'm going to because I'm also human with my own wounding, but just how can I love these people? Even if I don't know them, I want to give them love. And to me, love is just compassion. It is just holding space for humanness and trying so hard to just not even, you know, the reason that I've been harping on this versus empathy is I don't want to immerse myself in your experience. I want to be present with you. So if I'm immersed in your experience, I'm not present. I'm in your trigger. But if I'm compassionate with you, that reminds me to slow down. Listen, make sure I'm taking in what you're saying. I'm with you every word that comes out. And when you say something that might trigger me a little bit, I remember right then in there, hey, that's their experience. And this is yours. Stay present, stay present, stay present. So to me, that's, I feel like I've been having a lot of success in this area. And I have felt myself begin to escalate and just move through it, you know? But the people around me are starting to respond better too. They give me space whenever I need it. They listen whenever I say, hey, I'm sorry. I just, this is the wound. And this was screaming at me really loudly. I talk about this on Friday. But the other day, I had a moment where I was getting upset, moved through it kind of fast, but I had to go back later and be like, I'm sorry about that. I just, you guys, I'm just having so much trouble still saying what I need. That is the crux of most of my problems is I have so many fucking problems saying what I need. So it can complicate things just a little bit. Anyway, we're all doing our best. You know, just doing our damn best. But these are the common themes that I'm seeing in people right now. We all are people pleasing in our own way. We're not living in our authentic light. We're letting our families of origin influence the way we feel about ourselves way too much. We are afraid our politicians are roaring at us and telling us to present a certain way to achieve the most. And then, you know, we have those other shadows just yelling at us when we're not achieving everything that we feel like we should be. And there's just a lot of perfectionism where people aren't seeing it. And I mean, I know I didn't realize I was a perfectionist either because on paper, it certainly doesn't look like it. But I definitely hold myself to perfectionist standards. So I don't know. I'm gonna wrap this up soon, but I was thinking about this. I made the mistake of looking at the agenda for other zero symposium presenters. And I don't know, dude. I like really got insecure and self-conscious fast. And so I've been talking to myself through that because like whatever, you know, just a lot of fear whenever that happened, it was like, oh my gosh, I might not be good enough for this. People really might not like me, which was weird to experience, but I think I do better when I'm not comparing myself to others. So I probably just shouldn't have looked. And then I don't know, you know, I've been sitting so much more and I had that sensitivity to heat thing. So like I was only, I wasn't outside for like three weeks. And so anyway, I've gained a little weight and I don't know, I've been letting it bother me, which is just weird. So I just think I'm in like a season where I'm being reminded of the things that actually make me worthy and how to remember that. So anyway, things are good though. Overall, I'm really happy. I'm happy with my progress. Oh, here's a little life update. So my friend Deborah owns a therapeutic agency and she like has therapists that go into schools and I don't know how much, hmm. Anyway, so I said, yo, Deborah, mama needs some money. And while I feel like a sellout, I need some money and I'm trying to do anything I can to not make my family suffer for me following my dreams. So I wanna tell you, but I just don't know if I'm supposed to. Okay, so anyway, I won't tell you where. I will say I'm going to do a little bit of work. I'm gonna go see some kids at a school that is a like therapeutic environment. It is not probably what anybody in education thinks. It's for a very specialized, marginalized group of kids. That's all I'm gonna say. Actually, I could probably put it this way. It's like a shelter. Okay, that's the way I'll put it. But these kids have high levels of trauma. So I'm actually fucking stoked because I just feel like this was so meant to be like, I've already got all these ideas of like things I wanna teach them, whatever. So I'm really excited about that. What else? Oh, I signed up. I'm gonna start taking clients on an app now. It is like a big name app. I'm just not giving them free advertisement. So yeah, I should have some money rolling in, but I'm only gonna do like six to eight hours with those kids. And then she might have some telehealth work to send me too that I would do around that. But I only wanna go to that place like one day a week. So that, 'cause I am still doing bereavement work for hospice, which does take more time than I appreciate. But so I have that and then, you know, I really wanna work speaking engagements in more. And then I really wanna go to other schools. Maybe even teach the school counselors how to run groups or how to deal with the chaos, but like go and see kids at schools. But you know, some large group stuff, some just reading, but just some like whole class lessons. So I've been reaching out to my teacher friends 'cause I'm missing that. I wanna go see kids, but anyway, man, I'm happy. Things are good. It's not because there's a shortage of shit. There's not, there's never a shortage of shit around here, but I am learning to manage things finally, finally, finally. Oh, it's good, it's good, it's good. So thank you guys for your continued support. Check out, I'm serious, check out my online store. I just created a lot of like collections so that it's easier to look through, but I'm really excited about the stuff I'm adding to the, what I call the feminine line. Because like, I just really wanna celebrate us as women, you know, and then I have the, it's called only suite if we wanna be. That's the collection 'cause I'm gonna be adding like little shirts and stuff in there about just like young women empowerment, you know? And about the stuff I'm teaching Charlie. So let's see, friend from bereavement. Your name starts with a G, hello, hello. If you hear this, I told you that I was gonna start saying hi to you, hello. I haven't been doing Jason's word of the day because well, I'll probably just forgot and then, you know, he don't listen anyway. So fuck him, just kidding. Oh, today's my Sissy's birthday, happy birthday Cassie. I love you so much. And I told her she's the Virgoist Leo I've ever met and I really need her birth chart. I'm gonna text her and tell her that actually. Okay, I think I'm done rambling. Thank you guys. I appreciate you so much. Thank you for love, thank you for support, thank you for kindness, thank you for compassion. Jane Doe, you're my little boo boo, I love you so much. Okay, I think that's it. So until next time, let's all just keep swimming. Hey, real quick in the editing process, I realized I did not make my point and that was while I was giving the whole religious talk, I can't remember where I was going with that. It was to say things like they're in a better place or I attracted this experience or whatever it is that people truly believe when you're not just saying it because of your ego, when you, some of those things are true guys, you know what I'm saying? So sometimes we can feel those things so passionately but people have to get to that place themselves where they've processed and then they themselves can say, well, they're in a better place or they can hold space for that thought and grief at the same time. That's why I just don't think we should say things like that to people, it is dismissive. So, and also while I was editing, I found out that my uncle died and I don't know how and I'm gonna investigate that. I had to go on Do Not Disturb so I could get this editing done and get this episode out but I am very sad for my uncle Jim and his children, my cousins and I don't know, I'm just, I don't, I got a lot to process with that but I don't know, I had to mention it. So, okay, otherwise life is good and we're all doing pretty well around here. Bryson started college again this week, he's doing great, Jake is having a good time, surgery's tomorrow, Charlie is loving fifth grade so everything's good, so we're, for sure, just gonna keep swimming around here. All right, I love you guys, bye. (upbeat music) ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey, what do you say ♪ Listen. First and foremost, please make sure that you have provided this podcast with a five-star rating on whichever platform that you are listening. If you want to support the show, please rate, like and share. Also like, comment and share on any social media posts that you see for me on Instagram or Facebook or TikTok. Please follow the podcast Facebook, emotionally unavailable podcast. You can shop my foot online, store or schedule a one-on-one with me, emotionally unavailablepodcast.org. I'm offering what I'm calling non-traditional counseling, astrology readings, and tarot readings, and self-publishing services. And thank you so much for listening to the emotionally unavailable podcast. (upbeat music) ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ N-D-E-P-E and cut.