I heard these phrases for a while in the recovery community that, don't kill yourself in the first five years, you're going to be killing the wrong person. Just intense. I heard this before I was five. What I took from that is, we don't know who we are yet till we're five. I also heard that there's a big boom at five. It's the sound of your head coming out of your ass. I also heard is five is when you get your feelings back. Hello courageous Bessie. I'm Kirsten Johnson and welcome to the sobriety bestie podcast, where we adventure together through emotional sobriety, unapologetically expressing yourself and building a purpose driven business because the world needs your wisdom. Each step you take opens up infinite possibilities because your transformation's not just for you. It's a beacon of light for those you're called to serve. So get on comfy for Pete your mantra. This is courage and take that next alliance step into creating the business and life of your dreams. I'll be your guide. I'm so happy you are here today for this blast from the past training. I really don't want you to be caught off guard. I was warned and it happened until I want to warn you about it in case it happens to you too. It's happened to a lot of us. Now there's no rules might not happen to everybody, but I want you to know that what happens to a lot of us around five years sober. So if you are five around five or feel in five, you know, WTF is going on potentially with you so you can get through with a little bit of grace and ease on your journey to freedom for context. This training was recorded live in a sobriety group that I was running in 2018. I was nine years sober speaking through the lens of complex post traumatic stress CPTSD. I didn't understand neuro divergence at all at this point yet and I was seeing things also through a lens similar to Alcoholics Anonymous where you'll hear some AA lingo in there like happy, joys and free and also a lot of references to God or a higher power. I've dug it out of the archives because I think it could really help you. If you are around five years sober, four to six years sober, or you know anybody who is. Another thing I want to mention really quickly is throughout this training, I mentioned a program that I was launching at the time called Rocket Your Recovery. I am obsessed with this program, if you are vibing this and you want to go deeper, it is over at sobriety bestie.com under the courses you can click below for that link. And the good news is if you're feeling inspired by this training and you want to rocket your recovery into the next dimension and you want to do this on your own time at your own pace, through your own device, on your phone, through an app. The course is currently on demand on my website and it's at 94% off. I don't know when you're watching this video, it is August 2024 up in here. And right now it is 94% off, which is insane. And so I don't know when you're going to watch this. It may still be on sale when you're watching it or not. It is at home, on demand, there's no group and there is no coaching, but it is ready for you. So I will drop that link below. Okay, let's go right into the training. Hey guys, it is Kirsten. Thank you so much for joining in today on the five things you need to know about five years sober. If you are there and you can hear me right in the comments where you're watching from. I'm super excited to be here with you guys. This is amazing. Welcome. San Francisco. Welcome Dallas. Great to have you here. If we haven't worked together yet and you don't know me and you're new to this tribe especially, I'm Kirsten. I help so people get next level emotional sobriety so that we can truly be happy joys and free. If you would like to take a moment, if you don't already have a piece of paper and a pen, go ahead and grab something to take notes on, grab a beverage. I have a drinking problem, right? I have two beverages. I have my coffee and my water. So if you have a beverage, if you have something to write something on, wonderful. And I want to give a special, huge welcome to everybody who's watching the replay. Please tell us where you're watching the replay from. We do. It's a wonderful community here and I definitely go back into the comments afterwards and see who's there and who's listening and chat with you guys there. Definitely right where you're watching from. Hey Justin. Bill. Cool. So I, little bit about me briefly. I am Kirsten. I coach people one on one. I am a mentor and I have recently opened enrollment for my program rocket your recovery into the fourth dimension. So I'm super excited about that. I will share more about that with you later specifically about this training. So I went through something at five and a half years sober, which is basically what this training is about and based on. But I also noticed that's what other people were going through as well. And so for those of you who don't know much about my background is I have a master's in statistics. So a little bit woo, a little bit math come together and that's me. So I look at everything very practically and analytically about what's happening in reality. What actually is really happening with people when it comes to personal development? What works? What goes down? What is the data? The data of the woo, right? So what I noticed was is that I had several people that I came across who were also going through a similar thing around five years sober. So it could be four years sober. It could be six years sober. It could be 20 years sober. It could be one year sober. There is no rule for transformation. There is no rule for growth. There is no rule for when you're going to experience things, right? But what I, what the trend that I found is that, hey, La Jolla, all right, the trend that I found is that somewhere around five years sober, something major happens in our development. And so I heard these phrases for a while in the recovery community that don't kill yourself in the first five years. You're going to be killing the wrong person, just intense. But what I took from that, and I heard this before I was five, what I took from that is we don't know who we are yet till we're five. I also heard that there's a big boom at five. It's the sound of your head coming out of your ass. I also heard is five is when you get your feelings back. And so there is something, there is a trend that I had heard about before I turned five and I was like, I don't really know what that means. So when I started to go through something, I wasn't totally surprised because I hadn't been guided in what to do with it or given any tools to prepare for it so much as I knew that there was some sort of a warning. So really my intention with this training, I think it's something that we need to know. We need to know. But I just, but I uncovered it for myself and that's why I'm here to share it with you. This isn't to scare you. I'm not, my intention is not to scare you to this thing that might happen down the line in your recovery. My intention is to illuminate for you what may be in the foreseeable future or what you may maybe give some insight to what you're going through right now and to prepare you with some tools so that you're not totally taken off guard, even though this is something that does take a self guard, but that you could be a little more prepared. So this training specifically is for people who are sober. It's everything I talk about is aligning with our souls truth, right? And specifically this group is for people who are sober, who already have some recovery and not to help people get sober. So this community and this video and everything I do in here is not to help people get sober. So if you're struggling to put down drugs or alcohol, that is not what I'm here to help people with. So there's other programs for that and other groups for that. What I am here to help people with is bringing their recovery, their existing recovery to the next level. So rocketing your current recovery into the next level, into that fourth dimension, it's to improve the quality of your recovery so that you can truly live happy, joys and free. People kept asking me, are you truly happy or are you bullshitting me? Are you bullshitting like the internet? And I actually had somebody that's weak, wrote me that they said, are you as happy in your Instagram stories? Are you actually that happy or is that marketing bullshit? Wow. What that tells me is that people don't believe happiness is available and that's what this group is about. I don't, happiness isn't the goal. Right? Authenticity. Authenticity is the goal. When we are truly ourselves, then we are in a place of happy, joys and free, right? We don't seek happiness. That doesn't work. It's always outside us then. What we seek is ourselves. Any spiritual journey is seeking ourselves. That's what I learned. I get really excited about this stuff. Okay. The truth is, trauma doesn't go away in its own. A lot of us have trauma buried inside of us who are sober, right? There is a pain that the addiction served to mass. Addiction was a solution to an emotional pain. And so like for me, my background, if you guys haven't seen my TED talk yet, I'll put it in the comments later, but it's called write this down. It's called the secret that almost killed me. I actually, it's funny. I never thought I was going to say it on the internet, but I want to rehab, but I, on the TED stage, I talk about going to rehab, but I talk about this major healing that I went through. The complex trauma, and for me, part of my story was childhood sexual abuse. So that was a lot of the trauma that was buried inside me that was revealed when I was five and a half years sober. The pain from that I never felt. The truth is complex trauma, PTSD, if you grew up in a dysfunctional home or an alcohol calm, that doesn't go away on its own. It doesn't just heal itself. Trauma doesn't just leave. Toxic shame doesn't just jump out of us. We remove it. That's my experience. So the pain that the addiction served to cover is usually revealed to us around five years sober. That's my experience. So if you are feeling lost, anxious, you don't know who you are. You're disconnected to God. And it might be confusing because you're a couple of years into sobriety and you used to feel found and you used to feel connected to God, but you're currently feeling a bit lost. You're feeling like you're not enough. You're lacking self love. Maybe you're in the wrong career. You are in the wrong relationship. You're feeling stuck. You have these, you're feeling blocked and lost, you have these secondary addictions. So I was so compulsive and sobriety until I was about five and a half years sober. I was doing things to change how I felt. I used attention from men, didn't know I was going to share that with you, until I was about two and a half years sober until I realized I was and then I stopped. And then I was using work and I was using other things. And so I know some of you all are using food or you're using maybe you're using dating apps or whatever it is, shopping, something to not feel, Facebook. So I was still doing those kinds of things and the truth is that we don't, those don't stop. We need to learn, we need to remove what is causing us to want to not to feel, which means we need to meet our feelings. Spoiler alert. And what you probably actually want instead of all that stuff is you want to, oh, I love all your interactions in there. Definitely guys, if you, if you're relating to what I say right now, do a little thumbs up in the comments. If you're picking up what I'm putting down, let us know that you're vibing, you're vibing with this, probably what you actually want is you want to explore, you want to hit the open road, right? Like when I did my road trip last summer and drove 13,000 miles across the US, 20,000 kilometers from my non-American friends, a lot of you wrote me and said, you have this bad ass dream in your heart and you want to drive across the road. You want to hit the, you want to adventure, you want to explore, you want to see the world and you wish that you had the confidence or the, the bad assery inside you to do it. And the truth is that you do, you have it in you, right? So maybe you want to explore, maybe you want to do something that you love. You want to start a business and do something that you love. You want to help people and you want to serve at a higher capacity. You want to align with your soul's purpose. You were born for something that you were here to help people and you're not actually fully stepped into that yet. And that's something that you want, you want to know who you are, you want to uncover the truth of who you are, you want to speak your truth, you want to honor who you are, you want to give zero facts about what other people think about you, honoring your soul, hear more about your spirit than you care about your fears about what other people might think. Can I get a hell yeah? You want to love yourself. You want your selves in your body to be beaning with this self love. You want to be courageous and guided by God and you probably want to live life on your own terms. You want for freedom. A lot of people that I've spoken with and maybe this is you too, that you've already, you already are an entrepreneur, you've already had your own business or been doing your own things. But you want to actually do that in sobriety. You want to do something with your sobriety, with your spirituality. So you want to share a message for the world. Maybe you look at yourself as the next Oprah or as the next Eckhart Tolle and you want to bring a message of transformation to the world. Maybe it's not that big. Maybe the vision isn't that big, that could open size big or maybe it is. But I believe the inspiration inside us is for us to honor. Is it grandiose? What if Oprah said that she can't do her dream because it's two grandiose? Where would we be then? I'd love Oprah. So if you don't think of somebody like Tony Robbins or Eckhart Tolle, if they didn't really go all in and honor who they are, what would we have? Think about if your favorite author didn't write their book. Where would we be? So aren't you glad your favorite author had the courage to write the book that transformed your life? Okay. So typically what's stopping you from living the life that you want is that you feel like other people are holding you back, whether it's your partner or your parents or your community. The people who tongue can't do it. Maybe they are saying your vision is too big, but other people you feel like they're holding you back. If this is you, do a little heart tap there, I'm going to take some water. Maybe you're ignoring your gut quite often when we're not all in on our soul's purpose. It's because we're ignoring our gut or we've set standards that are too low. We are afraid to hurt, get hurt, and we're afraid to fail. So these fears of failing and getting hurt block us, we don't know how to feel. So quite often when we're in the middle of this, we know that our, a lot of people say this to me, and this is my experience too, I'm not loving, I'm not loving other people and being loved at the capacity that I feel would be, that something is not right with my heart, right? There nothing can be wrong with us. That's the light of shame, but we might feel like that there is something wrong with our heart that we're not giving and receiving love in a way that we might feel might be natural, that something is blocking us from our heart. And we don't know how to remove what's blocking us from our heart, or we don't even know that we need to heal, we just know that we're not fulfilled in life, and if we're not fulfilled in life, we're not living our soul's purpose, which means that something's blocking us from it. So there's a healing that we have available to us in order to get there. Cool. Also what's stopping you probably is the secondary addictions. If you're blowing your mind on demand in some way, consistently not feeling whether it's by eating chips and chocolate and cheese, or whether it is by swiping right or left, or whatever you do with the swiping and the dating, or compulsively being busy. So if we're engaging in these secondary addictions, I look at primary addictions as the ones that are killing us straight away and fast, which is the alcohol and the drugs, and when we put those down, we can pick up other ways to not feel. And so if that is probably what's blocking you from living your soul's purpose, if you're compulsively doing something you don't want to do, don't worry. There's more to come. And then nothing in healthy relationships. I know a lot of us can get sober, and we're used to dysfunctional relationships where we're not honoring our boundaries and our truth. We end up with people where they might be abusive and we don't even recognize it. Like they might be calling us too sensitive. It's saying the way you are is wrong. We might end up being with these friends and we might feel like our friends or our lovers are a bit narcissistic. I don't like labels, but you get the point when I say that, where we're in these unsafe relationships where we feel like we don't matter because we're familiar with that, right? So that's blocking us from living our soul's potential. Whew, let's take a breath, guys. Everyone take a breath. Close your eyes. Take a deep inhale, exhale through the mouth, let's take another inhale through the nose, exhale through the nose, we're going to do one more breath together, inhale, and exhale. If anybody feels slightly changed, transformed, minorly, slightly calmer after doing that drop of heart emoji in the comments right now. This is a side note here that any time I've ever taken three conscious breaths, I always feel more at peace, more calm, more me. So know that three breaths are available to you at any time, that is the little bonus thing right there. Start in the jump of heart, in the comments if you feel a little more calmer after doing that. Great. So what I'm going to teach you in this training is five things to know about five years sober, and again, the caveat here or the thing to mention, the disclaimer is that this might be happening earlier in your recovery, and this might be happening when you're 40 years sober. There is gods in charge of our healing, and if, depending upon the level of trauma that you hadn't processed, some people don't have talked chambered inside them, some people do, some people have more or others, so our healing journey is super unique, and it is catered to us. But this is what I have found from my own experience, and the people that I've worked with is somewhere around five years sober. These are five things that I want you to know. So if you're five or feel in five, this is for you. Why don't you drop in the comments how many years you've been sober, and if you're less than one, it's right, the number, like three months, two months, six months. So right, how long you've been sober in the comments, so I have an idea of who's on the training? Cool. And I want you to also keep in mind with what we're going through right now. Again, I'm not telling you this so that I scare you, is just to illuminate for you what to look out for. This journey that you're on, especially when you feel like you're here to help people and use your message to inspire people, it is probably what you mine through this journey when you do it consciously, because there's a very difference between healing consciously and being in self-pity and re-traumatizing yourself. Very fine line, and that is like probably the most important thing that I teach is how to consciously heal versus how to dig yourself into re-traumatizing yourself by going into the past and staying there mentally, right? So there's tools that we can do just so that it's conscious grieving. But what you mine in here, if you do this journey consciously, what you mine in here is probably going to be part of what you share with other people. This is part of the gift that you're going to be bringing to the world, whether it's through writing books or speaking or doing Facebook lives or whatever it is. We need what's inside. You feel inspired to help us because we've been praying for what's only inside of you. I know you know what I'm saying. Okay. Number one, anyone who's ready for number one, put a one in the comments. Number one, all right, number one, the hood pops open. Here's what I mean, we don't have access to our deepest, darkest pain and our deepest diaper, get a shame, until it is time, until more is revealed, until that is the next part of our healing journey. I didn't have access to my, this work until I was five and a half years sober. I knew it was there. I very much deliberately knew when I was a teenager, maybe some of you all know what I'm saying, where I was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain. There was rage and anger and anxiety flying through my system and it was traumatic stress. It was traumatic stress from being sexually abused. And then another thing I'll just say is it was not my parents. I know my, my dad's actually watching right now, my dad's very loving and supportive. It was not him, right? So I just want to put that out there and not that you guys are worried about my own journeys. It's about you, this training, but I very much had this, this complex PTSD going on inside me and the alcohol shut that off. All those insecurities, all those feelings, I never wanted to feel. I really felt like I locked that little girl in the basement when I was a teenager and started drinking. Maybe you guys also remember when, when drugs and alcohol started working for you and shutting off the pain, you didn't want to feel, maybe it wasn't like that for you, but I very deliberately remember when I shut off that pain and didn't want to feel it. So that when I shut off, popped open at five and a half years, I had access to what was already inside me. It's energy. Feelings are energy. When I drank alcohol, I didn't make that go away. I shoved it down deep inside of me. And so at a certain point in our healing journey, that comes up to be healed, which is amazing because when we open up and let it all go, then we get free, this is how we get free. This is how people start saying and you look happy because I'm me, because I'm me, because I'm no longer holding down that old stuff. So when the hood pops open, that's actually wonderful. It might not feel wonderful. You might prefer to have a different feeling buzzing around inside you, but the fact that it is coming up to be healed is wonderful. If you are into freedom, I bet all y'all are into freedom, give me a little heart tap. If you're into freedom, I see you. I see you. I see you. Freedom. Freedom. Okay. Listen to our original pain, maybe it's because you've sent some hardcore personal development mark. Maybe it's just because God has you in that circumstance or your higher power does, but that we have our denials been ripped away. A lot of us who went through traumatic things don't even know it. I've worked with a lot of people who didn't realize they were sexually abused in childhood until we were actually in a coaching session because of there's some psychic work that comes with sexual abuse. Now we have me too and people are a little more open about it, but it's if we don't even know we were traumatized because it was never talked about and we never believed in ourselves. And so it was confusing and it was either our babysitter or whoever. So we never looked at it that way either because we were a woman and it was a woman or whatever. So sometimes we don't even know that we have this trauma buried inside us. What we actually know is that we're not fulfilled and that there's something blocking us. So hood popping open is a wonderful thing. That's the first thing that happens. That's how you know you're in this. The second is a dark night of the soul. So I consider getting sober for me the first dark night of the soul, right? And so what I mean about that a dark night of the soul is marked by two different things. This is from a book that was written hundreds of years ago and it was it's talked about the dark night of the soul as two things. The emotional purge, old emotions coming up to be healed. And then the second one is an identity crisis. So who am I? So this was my experience when I first got sober. It was like my old life was over. Everything that I've been living up to that point was gone. I can realize it was BS. I'm on the bridge of who I'm becoming, but I had not yet the new person yet. So I feel lost, confused, scared in the unknown and it's crossing that bridge into the new world. Anybody who's had a dark night of the soul will give a little heart bomb. You know what I'm saying? People watching the replay. If you've had a dark night of the soul, I'll give a little heart bomb. This is what happens around five years sober. The hood pops open. We can go into a dark night of the soul, but I'm giving you the tools. This is what I teach. I teach how to go through that or how to come through that, how to mine it, how to use it for your enlightenment and your benefit and your message for the world. When people say things like, I don't know who I am anymore or I don't know who I am, that right there is brilliant. I'm getting the chills because that's wonderful. Most people never realize that they don't know who they are. Most people live their entire lives, not realizing that they're disconnected from themselves. Y'all are the lucky folks. We all are the lucky folks who get to find out who we are, especially if we're in this second dark night of the soul where we're sober and we're like, how is this happening again? How have I, and how am I waking up in sobriety like a couple of years in and I still don't know who I am. Wonderful. Wonderful. Congratulations. You get to continue the self discovery journey of finding out who you are. This is wonderful. Wonderful. Okay. So dark night of the soul is the emotional purge. The old emotions come up to be healed. They're there because they're there. The feelings are there. The hood's popped open. They've got access to the feelings and you don't know what matters anymore. Maybe you want to change careers, leave your relationship or whatever it is you, or maybe you want to move, but you are shaking internally and it's wonderful because you actually when you settle back down, you're going to settle down into the truth of who you are. And from that place is where I believe we live happy, joyous and free. Okay. So number three is, and this is a big one, so I'm going to slow down. And this might come as a shock to you. And I, if it does, wonderful, because let's wake up to this, but number three is committing to no longer rejecting yourself. Most of us live a life of self betrayal, self rejection, self abandonment, and we don't even know it. So when we're people pleasing, when we're in the wrong job, when we're not being ourselves and we don't know who we are, we're, we're living as somebody else, right? We're rejecting ourselves. We have a feeling and we eat something. We have a feeling and we drink something. We have a feeling and we shut it off. We, with a feeling, we go on Facebook and look for, I don't know, to get irritated with people or get inspired by people or whatever we do with Facebook, right? And we're rejecting ourselves. Every time we have a feeling, we're abandoning how we feel, we're, that's violent. It is a violent act. It is a violent act to, to shut off your feelings. And that's what unifies this whole group, right, where people who don't want to feel. That's what addiction is. If you really simplify it, it's, the feelings were really uncomfortable. And so we blew our feelings on demand until that didn't work, until it almost killed us or until we, the bottom was higher and we woke up to another way of life. But this is what I did and I didn't realize until I was five and a half years sober until I was in this, until the hood popped open, that I'd spent my entire life rejecting an abandoned myself, that I didn't honor what was inside me. And so the people who feel like they're not happy, joyous and free, it's probably because you're rejecting, rejecting and abandoning yourself. So repeat after me, repeat after me, I hereby no longer will reject myself, abandoned myself. I commit to no longer rejecting myself. I commit to no longer rejecting myself. If you're with me, write in the comments, I commit, I commit, make it an energetic thing. It's like a line in the sand that you're going to cross. I commit. Can I write in the comments? I want to write it in the comments. I don't know if I can. I commit. All right. I'm commenting too. I commit. I hereby commit to no longer rejecting myself. It's already inside us. Who we are is already there. We just have to stop rejecting ourselves and then we're found that a spiritual journey is seeking ourselves. We're seeking the truth of who we are, that's right here, that's right here. Okay, cool. Committing to no longer rejecting ourselves. This is a big deal to commit to no longer rejecting ourselves. I really wish I had heard about this sooner and I'm getting the chills. I think this is really important. Do a heart bomb on here so that anybody else watching this video also join in if you're watching the replay. Do a heart bomb on here. This is a wonderful deal. This is a radical act and most people don't ever do this. Most people don't know that they need to do it. You commit to no longer rejecting yourself and then how. This is something that I go into way more in depth in my program, rocket recovery. We go into a whole ways of how not to reject yourself and abandon yourself but the fact that you're committing right now, you're bringing it into your energy, you're speaking it into the world, you're writing it online, you're taking it from your heart and putting it into the physical world. And I really think that's the best thing I could ever do for anybody is I can help people commit to believing in themselves. If you believe in yourself, you're not rejecting yourself, right? Okay, so let's get back to four guys. Back on track to four. I want to take some coffee first. Four. Four. Let's head there. Congratulations. It is a huge commitment. It was amazing for everybody who just committed right now. This is a big hell yeah, like little hug here, hug the self. Number four is the way out is through. This is the way that we get free. We feel our way to freedom and for people who chronically didn't feel, who compulsively didn't feel, who spent decades not feeling, I was a drinker for 17 years. So for 17 years, I was blotting out how I felt consistently and then five more years of sobriety. I was doing what I could to not feel, whether it was TV, whether it was attention like dating or whether it was chips. I ate a bag of chips every night for years in sobriety. I don't eat back to, I love me a nacho. Okay, I'm going to come clean. I love me a nacho. But I don't need to stop my feelings anymore because I've done this work. Feeling is the way to freedom. We're going to continue to do those kinds of things, those compulsive behaviors until we actually feel. This is like so simple, but so much of us struggle over this. Simple but not easy. So the way out is through. So feel the feel. So what we need to do is to drop our story about things that crying is scary, that grieving is scary. This is one that will really stump you up and ruin, block your life force for a long time, believing that you can't heal. That because something that happens, you was so bad that you're just a lifer and that you're never going to get through it. And because of the dysfunction that you grew up in or the trauma that you experienced, that you're never going to get free, that is not possible for you. You're not that special. This is actually thinking you're special. We're all the same. We're all souls inside bodies. Maybe you need a bigger God. If you think that you're different and what you've been through is different, you probably need a bigger God because if your God isn't big enough to help you heal, then pray for a bigger God. And I know people who have done that in sobriety, they needed to get a bigger God. I've needed to get a bigger God many times. Healing is possible for you. What and who you are is not possible. When people say damage, it's not possible to be damaged. Not in who you are. There is not possible. You are a soul inside a body. You are a peace. You are existence living through flesh. That sounds funny. But it's true. It is true. You can't be damaged. You can't be broken. There's not possible for you to be broken. Your heart may be broken, right? As like a phrase, but what you are cannot, it's just not possible. There's a healing possible for you and you might need to pray to start to believe, be willing to believe that it's possible for you. So for whatever reason, I'm getting the chills. So I think when I get the chills, what that means, that's part of the way that I'm used by the energy of the world, I mean somebody needs to hear what I said. I don't need to say this. I already know it. So if it was you, give a little heart bomb. If it's you, I still have the chills. This is so wild. So there was something potent there for somebody. I hope you heard that. Watch the replay. If you want to see this again. Also, anybody who's watching the replay, definitely chime in. The way out is true. We feel our feelings. We feel our way to freedom. What I want to say about this is, it might sound scary to feel what you never wanted, to feel what you were slowly killing yourself instead of feeling, right? Like throwing out alcohols poison, especially in the quantities that I drank it in. So I'm pouring poison in my system on a regular basis so that I don't have to feel, I'm basically not feeling compulsively. And so the thought of feeling could be scary. And that's just a thought, right? It's just a thought. Is it even true? I don't know. What I found is that when I was going through this journey that I found that I actually really enjoyed the process. How ironic is that? Or what paradoxical is that? What I've been running from my entire life, i.e. me and what was trapped inside me, my feelings, I actually, when I stopped and went into it, I actually enjoyed it. It was the most loving time of my life. It was the first time I was ever truly loving with myself because I'd made that commitment to no longer reject myself. I allowed all of my feelings. Now because I'm having a feeling doesn't mean that I blame it on you and it doesn't mean that the feeling is true is the ultimate truth. But it means that it's true that I'm having that feeling in that moment. And by meeting that moment, meeting that feeling with my presence, heals. The way that we heal is not through time. In time we may heal. Time doesn't heal us. Consciousness does. By being conscious and present with the sensations in my body, the buzzes in my body, that I'm running from these buzzes, there's like this buzz over here, my feelings, right? I'm going to spend my whole life running from it or trying to stop it with alcohol or dating or whatever. But if I just turn around and meet it with my presence and just say, "Hey, hi, it stops." That's how we get free. I hope that was interesting analogy there. Cool. If you're ready for five, if you're ready for five, drop a five in the comments. Yes, Mandy, love and presence heals. That is the way. It's not time. It is presence, which is love. If I'm noticing, if I'm being fully aware and present with myself, that is love. It is love. So we're up to five next. We're up to five. You ready for five? We're switching into five. I'm drinking some water. All right. Cool. Five is grave your losses. This was a fundamental part of my healing journey, the journey that I've seen for other people. Typically, anger is not really anger. What's underneath it is sadness. It was sad. It is sad, but it has happened to a lot of us in our past. And if we've never really processed the sadness of it, like for me, I went into, so this is what you do. Make a list of everything that you lost. So if you were like me and you were sexually abused in childhood, there's a tremendous amount of loss that goes along with that. Now again, I believe we can get free. If you haven't seen my TED talk yet, I'll mention it one more time. It's called the secret that almost killed me. So interesting title, right? So the secret that almost killed me, go look it up and watch that. It's a 15 minute talk. It's on YouTube. The secret that almost killed me, TED talk. I do believe we can get free, but there are a lot of losses that happen with these traumatic experiences we had in childhood. Whether we grew up in an alcoholic home, whether we were abandoned, like somebody told me recently that their mom left them at a mall to punish them, and they had to walk 15 miles home. So what do you make up with when you're a kid and you're walking 15 miles home and you're scared and you feel like you don't matter and we make up stories about ourselves? So then let's take him, for example. So then you spend your life not believing in yourself, that thinking that you don't matter, being in relationships that validate this, and you grow up and you might marry someone or be attracted to someone who only helps you stay in that belief of "I don't matter." So what did you lose from that experience when you were a kid? You lost healthy, happy relationships. There's a tremendous amount of loss. You might have lost being able to have kids because you didn't trust somebody because of what had happened to you. You may have lost a lot of peace of mind, decades of peace of mind. You might have lost physical abilities. So whatever your losses are, those are real and until we go in and have that presence, the conscious grieving, it's trapped inside our psyche inside. I think of it as inside our heart. So conscious grieving, whoa. Yeah, I don't know, this is just hitting me really hard right now. If you haven't consciously grieved all that you've lost and you probably lost a lot if you're sober. There's a lot that you've been through. Even when we get sober, we're losing our drinking life, right? So with all loss, there is grief and it's really important to not dwell and be impitting about it but to, yes, cry as part of the healing to literally grieve our losses. And it's not, somebody said when I was in the middle of this, when I had popped open and I was consciously grieving, somebody said to me, "Don't dig up the dead cat." And I'm like, "What, don't go into the past and go and be in this pity or whatever." And I'm like, "I'm not reliving the past. I'm just freshly out of denial." And I didn't realize that I had all the loss that I had. I didn't realize how bad it was because that was a protection that was my psyche protecting me. I didn't realize how bad it was. So this is actually not digging up a dead cat. This is for the first time realizing that there is a dead cat and burying him properly. Disagreeing is taking the energy that is weighing down my soul and letting it, releasing it into the universe so that I can be happy, joyous and free, so that, and in the process, I can even learn some wisdom that I can probably share with other people about the journey, right? No, you probably are a speaker or you want to write some stuff and share your message with the world, right? But if you want to know how to do this more specifically, how to consciously grieve because there is a very big difference between being in a pity and re-traumatizing yourself from dancing in the past in a dangerous way, to actually going in a consciously grieving. So if this is something that you want to do and you want me to be your guide on, that is part of my program, Rocket Your Recovery, we do absolutely remove what's holding us back. That means we are going to go into shame and sadness so that we can remove it and get free. We can totally get free. And then people are going to be writing you and say, "Are you really happy? Are you bullshooting?" Back on that, what I was mentioning earlier about the person who called me too sensitive a year ago and one of my friends who is watching, she just did a wonderful video about it. But the person who called me too sensitive, like literally, this is what I said to this person. He's like, "You're too sensitive." And I was just like, "Actually, that comment is shame. I'm not too much at anything. I'm exactly God's perfect child, born as I am." And then in my head, I'm thinking, "This person is shaming me because they haven't met their own shame yet. When we haven't met our own shame yet and done that deep healing, that's how we relate to others. And I'm not available to be shamed because I've met my shame and I can see it. I don't believe it. I'm not too sensitive. I'm exactly as sensitive as God made me. I didn't choose to be this specific child, the daughter. Maybe I did. That's another spiritual conversation, right? But I'm exactly as I was made and the more free I get, the more me I am and I'm perfect as I am and just like you are, right? Okay. Cool. All right. Booyah. Yeah, you're not too sensitive and that's actually something that I cover, how to use your sensitivity as the gift that it is and to not have it be the burden. Most of my life, my sensitivity was a burden. Alcohol was great to dim that, to dull that sensitivity down. But the truth is, I am really sensitive. I am really in tuned. I have some extra sensory abilities, which I'm sure you probably do too. A lot of us who numbed out probably have them and that's part of the reason why numbing out worked because we don't know how to manage it all, right? So yeah, so when I get the chills, that's part of my being sensitive and that's when I know that I'm being used as a channel for one of y'all or some of y'all are all y'all. I know I'm being used by the energy of the universe, depending upon what happens with my body. So I love that I'm sensitive now and I own it. I'm not too sensitive. I'm exactly as sensitive as I was designed. Cool. Just like you're exactly, it's, it's not possible for you to be too much anything or not enough something. You're exactly perfect as you are. That's the delusion thinking that we should be different than we are. That's self rejection, thinking that we should be different than we are. You're perfect the way you are. You're perfect. Cool. So those are the five things to know about five years sober. You resonated with this training. I would love to share with you that my program Rocket Your Recovery is for people who want to help people and you want to do your own thing. You want to do something spiritual, maybe write books and speak. There's a whole module in here, a whole month in here where we talk about speaking and sharing your message, whether it is to hurt in an intimate relationship or actually on a big stage, like the TED stage. So people who want to thrive in recovery, people who want to drop compulsive behavior and gain emotional sobriety. There's a whole module on connecting to spirit in the fourth dimension. So how a little bit about how it works is the first module is rewiring your brain to zero fucked. Emotional sobriety is the second module and then operating shame and guilt, which is the things that are holding you back. Removing was holding you back. Radical self love, aligning with your spirit in the fourth dimension and speaking your truth. So those are the six different topics. I can't wait to support you and I love you guys. Have a beautiful day wherever you are in the world from Bali, Indonesia and my heart to yours. Have a beautiful day. Type that yes if you are yes. Okay. Love you guys.
