JESS B. Real Podcast

PIERCE’d By The TRUTH 34

Every year for the last four years I have let you in on each trip around the sun, well this year won't be any different. I think because y'all started with me on this new discovery of my 30s, back when I had first introduced this podcast, y'all have heard each year something different that I've learned, or unlearned. This year is the year of THE TRUTH...on my fav player of all time PIERCE me with it. Tap in...let's continue to keep it real for this bearthday

Duration:: 37m
Broadcast on:: 25 Aug 2024
Audio Format:: mp3

(upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - What's up y'all? - It has been a minute time here. I am back. I know it feels like it's been forever since I was last here, but I am here, okay? I'm gonna give y'all an episode, at least before my birthday, keep up with my normal tradition to try like the intent, 'cause you know, I need my aroma. Therapy, try to give y'all a little insight on what's going on with me. I know I haven't been as attentive, but there'll be reasons for that. I feel like it's gonna be something that's gonna be like a episode later down the line, where y'all will get their real tea. 'Cause you know what they say, when you're going through the storm, not much you could speak on 'til you get to the other side, but you know it's not gonna always forever rain. That's the situation right now, but nonetheless, this is the truth episode, which is year 34 for me, which is crazy 'cause I started this podcast, literally 29 on the, literally on the rise to turning 30s. So it was leaving my 20s. When I started this podcast and the pandemic happened and so much happened, so listening to old episodes that I have of myself from year 30 to 34, the 30s have not been easy. When I say it literally is I open especially in the face, it's actually in the fucking face. If you're not prepared for it, I think I was some other prepared for it, but not fully prepared for it. So I have to give you out my annual birthday episode, and I will come probably back and tell you out about my birthday in general and how it was celebrating if it felt any different. It'll be a part two to this at some point 'cause baby, it's Virgo Season. Bitch, it's Virgo Season. It's one of the best seasons. It's starting to get a little chilly on that which is a sign for me to know falling around the corner. I like spooky teens, pumpkin cider, all that great stuff. I really love the fall and I love Christmas. So after my birthday, I'll be full throttle Halloween mode. August starts and I'm thinking about Halloween decorations or what I'm gonna be for Halloween. Even if my birthday isn't coming up, but I'll be in the zone. So it's been a lot. My mom's dog passed, so that was a little bit gut wrenching. They do not lie when they say pets really become a part of your family because we've had her for 10 years and the irony is, she, well, Nelly, which is my mom's dog and my dog's daughter, was born two weeks prior to my grandmother transitioning and the crazy thing is, she passed away on the 14th or had to be euthanized, which is, or what was it? Five days on the 17th. She had to be euthanized, which she heard and she was named after my grandmother. So I gave her to my mom 'cause she was the only female at the litter and she was the run to get my mom companionship and company to kind of transition into caretaking from a human to a pet because I felt like she was alone. And literally Nelly gave us 10 years and died five days after my grandmother's birthday, which is crazy. So we literally have her for 10 years specifically. And I think it's crazy. And of course it was a misdiagnosis, the same thing that happened with my grandmother. So my mom is pretty much advocate. So keep my family in prayer. Mainly my mom. I think it's hitting her the hardest 'cause once my aunt leaves, it's just her and my dog. And I know my dog with my mom since like 2017. So now I really can't take my baby back, but her and my mom are super close. But that's been going on. That's been crazy. My grandmother's birthday passing was crazy. Going through that. Prepping for this trip has been crazy. Nonstop job interviews have been crazy. It's just a lot, it's a lot. Like trying to get new things done, trying to get new transitions, trying to make shit make sense. That's what the goal has been. And I appreciate those who've been reaching out. I think that's one thing for sure. I can talk about in this episode on the truth year. 34, 'cause first of all, Paul Pierce, if y'all don't know, y'all better fucking ask somebody since '98, has been my favorite fucking player. Gotta have Michael Jordan's and the LeBron's, the overrated ones that everybody wanna fan over, but Paul fucking Pierce, Paul Anthony Pierce. Pat has always been my fucking nigga. Like, I've always a Paul. Like, even as a kid, I saw my jersey from a child that I have over my wall of Paul Pierce. Like, and so I think this year aligning with him. And the fact that the Seltas won a trip this year, the last time the trip was won, Paul was on the team, was in 2018. I mean, 2008, it has real big significance. And I could honestly say the friends that I, more than anything now, going into 34, those friends who, when they're like, you got a little too quiet, or you got a little too silent, or I really haven't heard from you, like, what the fuck you got going on? Or just like, hey, we was talking and you just kind of disappeared. And they check in rather than staying here, make assumptions are the ones I appreciate. Especially ones, I think this year major was for a lot of rekindling, reconnection, because I got to rekindle with my best friend, shout out to Sean, and rekindle with my says, shout out to Brittany. And it was really one of those, outside of the ordinary normal, like how I probably had prior to 30s, or prior to when people who really didn't have much significance or value, not saying they didn't have value or significance, but really didn't have much of an impact on my life where they're kind of were there, but they didn't have, I wasn't, I never really trusted with them, or never was in the struggle with them. It's kind of like that it was a painless re-reconnection. Like, you know how they're like, well, if you're not really French, I can pick back up where you got left off. And you can, and don't get me wrong, we have the awkward, uncomfortable conversations that were necessary. But if you miss your friend, you miss your friend. And that means if you miss them, they actually have value. There's something that they contributed. There's something that you probably could say along the line, you played a part in, they played a part in, but what you want to do is kind of like, clean the slate and start anew. And when I say, when I pick back up with them, it was nothing. It was kind of just like, yeah, we had some years because a lot was going on. And again, I also realized too now in '34 that a lot of what I was forcing under uncomfortable conversations, 'cause I was ready, doesn't mean they were ready. And I think as I get older, I'm able to realize that those uncomfortable conversations are necessary. But if people don't value you enough or your time, or if people don't make it their business, where they make it awkward, because they know they played a part but don't hold themselves accountable, then they don't need to be in your life. And I think that's what it is with some of the people I, no longer associated with last year, which is like, you want me to show up for you, but you can't show up for me. But then when it's like time to have that conversation, it's not your business. You don't make it a business to make the conversation, but you want to pay me out as a villain. And that's fine. I'm a villain that's somebody's story at some point, and I really don't give a fuck, because I know I've had the uncomfortable conversations. I've known, I've tried to have the uncomfortable conversations to avoid a cease and desist. And I'm gonna just say cease and desist, because it doesn't mean the friendship is ending where I'll never probably talk to them again. But as of right now, we're not seeing eye to eye, and I personally feel like as we get older, people be thinking time heals wounds, and it's not the case. It's the conversations, because if you can remember why you no longer associated with the family member, the friend, the ex, or whatever, then there's a reason. Then it wasn't that big. But if you can remember, and know specifically in pinpoint, and be like, this is the pain point of where I felt away, and this is how it made me feel, and blah, blah, blah, then it's worth salvaging, because you're still able to have that conversation. It'd be the privilege that kills me, you know? Like with people where they'll throw friendships away, but then it's like there was value, and you really missed the friendship, or like, you know exactly what pissed you off. But like, if somebody were actually now four years later, and they'd be like, oh, why do you stop talking to someone, so you can't remember? Just go back and just figure out, 'cause possibly they know, or just realize it was not that big. And I think the way life is going right now, it's so short in time, like you just gotta take advantage, and make those amends where they matter. Now, one thing I did realize also in '34, because when I tell you '33, came with her boxing gloves. When I say this was uppercutting the shit out of me, and they say Jesus, you're supposed to be the, no. Jesus here was the year of literally reflection of Revelation, like, it was, I had to get to the bottom, like rock fucking bottom, and now everything is just up from this point. But when I tell you, the struggle is real, and I really realized like, the friends I just told you that just came back around where the ones that I didn't know I needed to get through this time was real. Now, I've also gotten into a relationship that year as well. So like, it was different because I haven't single for so long. Getting still, it's a lot of differences in this relationship that are not whatever I've ever experienced because one for one, being somebody who's in a five minute distance, 10 minute distance, is not something I'm used to. Because I'm used to a long distance where even if it's 40 minutes, we don't have the ability to be around each other all the time. And I think that's a healthy concept to have two in a way, not staying long distances a healthy concept, but it's a healthy concept to still have your individuality in a relationship and not have to feel pressure to constantly be in each other's faces the only way that you show love and affection. Because then it pinks the narrative, a false narrative to make the person believe that that's what you're supposed to do 24/7, and that's not the case. And you're supposed to have your own identity and be able to have their solitude, you have your solitude and still do whatever. And I think it's sort of always had in my long distance, without having to ask because it was kind of forced, but it was understood. So like, it's different. So a lot of things were changing and happening in this transition of my time around the sun. And I feel like every year you're gonna get, you're supposed to get wiser and learn from different mistakes or things that's supposed to make sense. But now that I'm getting into the mid 30s, which is literally next year, I'll be 35, I'm literally having zero tolerance and patience where I'm like not playing with my boundaries. Like, when I say like, I told you about that shit that with my sister, I probably would always keep my sister at a distance. And because she's a monitoring spirit, there's not shit for us to have a conversation about, because if you can watch my story and have no conversation, then you're aware of, and you're a monitoring spirit. And at this point, I don't feel like you're with me, you're as measured against me. But if I tell you my boundaries and you specifically go against them over something I verbally express to you, and then have no conversation, it's just like, bitch, we're not gonna do this whole game. And I will tell y'all this. When it comes to my father's side of the family, they exist in somebody's world, just not mine. Some of y'all would probably be like, ♪ Jazz, that's crucial, that's harsh ♪ ♪ Da da da da ♪ ♪ You were just talking so highly but I was ♪ But y'all heard the "No Daddy" episode as well, so you know what the fuck is up. And it's not the fact that I have a disdain for this man. It's just the fact of I'm more in the space of now that I get, oh, I like consistency. I like knowing that I don't have, I don't need the real, like I think as I've really got older, real sure this is not a thing I fully fucking need. Because if your word is your bond, whatever you said, your word is, is your bond, and I'm believed that you're not telling me fluff and bullshit. That goes for anybody. But when you get to the point where it's just like, I'm constantly trying, trying, trying, or I'm allowing you into a space that I don't have to let you in, which is a place of vulnerability and letting you have access to my life and who I am as an adult because as a child, you never show the fuck up for real for real. And now you're getting a second chance and a second win to kind of like be there and you still choose not to fucking be there or have any type of real inclination so being messy is like fucking, so yeah. Anybody from my dad's talking to family with his last name or anybody in general, their phone number doesn't exist. I sounded kind of crazy how I was just selling my girlfriend the other day, like my sister created a whole group chat with the family, like my dad's side of the family and his wife. And my niece changed it to the family last name, but everybody in the family in the group chat don't have that last name, like not her younger sister or her younger brother. So my sister kind of changed it because she was the admin. So now at this point, my sister done left the chat and made his wife the fucking admin. But she's not, she's not, doesn't have our last name unless it's by marriage. And whole time, you should at least give it to your sister. Now the sister that I don't fuck with who was a fucking weirdo and at this point, it's a no-hose by like, I have no energy for you. Like we're good. Like I'm content, if God forbid something to happen to them today, I don't feel like I lost anything. Like I'm not, you can't miss what you've never had. So I just feel like that was weird and he made her the admin. And she's the most messiest bitch ever. Like she's messy as fuck. My dad married a fucking messy ass bitch. And I say that wholeheartedly. I mean everywhere that I said because I don't care for the bitch. And she made her admin. So I'm like, I'm leaving this bitch because all the reason I'm in here is 'cause I was fucking with you and anybody else in here I don't talk to. Baby left that show with a quick list. I don't, if I don't have to deal with it, I'm not dealing with it. And that's another thing for truth here. We're being completely transparent. It's the truth. Like having this murky retrograde happen now into Aquarius. There was a, it's kind of just like, okay, it's time to step up. A lot of shit is getting revealed. A lot of shit is like playing where it's like, okay, we're not playing the same old record. We're not doing this back and forth. Your name is not a lead. Step up on your shit, take it from what it is and whatever comes from it, comes from it. And I think I've come to the part of life where, you know, I like at some point in time, shit happens, but you don't know, but you're like in a younger space, you're like, I gotta know, I gotta know, I gotta know. And I wanna know and I need to know, 'cause if I don't know, I can't go on. But the funny shit is life still happens and you end up forgetting about it and going on. I think I'm at that space now where it's kind of just like, make my decisions, whenever happens happens, where the college falls, they fall. And you just deal with whatever the aftermath is and keep moving forward 'cause the world doesn't stop. And what you think is so traumatizing and so dramatic and so the end of the world, literally is the start of a new beginning of something else. So that's what I'm trying to think of things as now in this truth year, I think is an epiphany of, be honest with yourself. I think I had to really be honest with myself to realize like, you can't force what's not meant to be forced. You can't force what's not meant to be for you. It literally has its purpose, but it's up to you to figure out if it's a purpose of a lesson or just letting it go. And when a time is expired, let it expire. Don't force it, don't make it more than it has to be. And kind of just go with it. Because I think me being an empath and most of my other empaths will be able to probably relate to this is we pick up energy and just pick up everybody's problems and could feel the energy. Right, there's certain people in my life that I literally question because there's such an enigma and so closed off, honestly, that they do the whole tit for tat, cat mind games or bullshit to kind of reel you into acts of questions and I ain't gonna hold you. I told y'all I had a past. And if for those of y'all who are new listeners, I'll be able to tell y'all is I used to be vindictive and manipulative like emotionally and it was bad. Because I used to be like, oh, you don't love me. You don't care about me. And do shit just to bait somebody to say what I wanted them to say to give me the reinsurance rather than do the same. Like right now, I'm not really comfortable with this. I don't like how this feels. It makes me feel uneasy. So I'm not really sure where we stand. So where do we stand? And so, satisfied I was asking, that whole manipulated shit and emotional manipulation shit is not cute. I used to do this shit, I'm repeated. I used to do that shit. There's a lot of shit again. We're in the truth and I've told y'all this years back or prior and prior episodes, what the fuck is going on. But that shit is not it nor is it cute as opposed to using your words. And sometimes people gonna say shit, you don't fucking wanna hear. I know for me, I'm still grasping that concept. I'm gonna be fucking, be fucking honest. There's not, I guess it's not more so not me getting used to shit. I don't wanna hear as opposed to the delivery of what the fuck is being said. Like I'm all here for speak your fucking mind, speak your truth. And I respect that the fact that you have a difference of opinion. But how you deliver that fucking message? Not saying it has to be wrapped up in a pretty bow. But if at least you have a tone or a delivery which doesn't mean that it's condescending or like you're coming off brash, I will receive it and be like, all right, cool, that's gonna be coming from respect. Like, and leave it at that. It'd be the motherfuckers who just be trying to force their truth down your throat that you have to see it through their vision. And this shit is irritating. And I think I'm now at the point of the age where shit is irritating. Like stop trying to force me to see something you see because you want me to agree with you. And I'm not gonna fucking agree with you because the shit you're in for trying to force is like literally on a subjective opinion. And a subjective moral ethic. If there isn't any morals attached behind it. And I'm real big now on people dealing with people who have a moral ethic and a moral compass. It's very, very crucial for me because it speaks a lot of the volume and test to who you are as a person. When you have to be in a moral or unethical situation that causes you to have to use your moral higher ground. And if you want to sit here and try to finesse a finagle out of something you know you put the same accountability for it. Baby, you gotta leave me the fuck alone. And the stage last move that way. No, we cannot, don't go pass, go, don't stop. Take your $200, go to jail, whatever fuck you gotta do. But just let me alone. And I'm more in the space of solitude. Like I love my solitude. Now I'm saying like before I used to love it because I was distracted and trying to run away from shit I didn't wanna address. But now I love it because it's a piece that I need with myself to just get one with myself before I can get part to myself to other people. Let me run it back for y'all. There's a oneness with self that I need that I have to have with myself that there's a oneness before I can give myself out to others. To start my days. I don't give a fuck with what you're doing. Relationship, marriage, whatever. If you're not whole with yourself and have those conversations to get yourself in the space of being full, there's not gonna be any overflow to give to others. And then you'll just be tapping from a dry well. And then you're getting pissed because you're being selfless and the person doesn't appreciate it but it's just like one, if they never act, you can't get mad. Two, if you did it for the right reasons because you felt like you wanted to do it 'cause you were not the way to do it. That's another you can't get mad either. And three, just because somebody receives it differently does not always mean that they don't fucking appreciate it. But again, these are things that come with time, that come with age, that come with experience. And I'm now also in the space of life at 34 that I'm gonna probably be fucking for real with is I don't take advice from people who don't have fruit growing from their own trees. Let me say this again. I don't take advice from people who don't have fruit growing from their own trees. I eat, I'm not taking advice from somebody who if you're over there growing mangoes and I'm growing apples, you're not gonna tell me how to grow my apples when you have mangoes. And you've always had mangoes and never tried a derivative to step outside of being a mango growing tree to at least deal with the apple. So because there's no apples on your tree or you don't have a disbursement of different trees that you're watering to nourish, what the fuck am I listening to you for? Sometimes age, wisdom does come with age but experience comes with wisdom too as well. That's always be like, when the old school has to be like, yo, I'm older, I know better. No, baby, you've just been here longer and seen a little bit more shit experience wise you might have on me possibly, but wisdom just because you're older than me, wise, you can still be a fool, okay? My sisters are fools in their 50s and they're older than me, but they're not wise. They're actually foolish. They're jackals. So it's just like, no. And it also comes to the point of why would you take advice for somebody who has never experienced some shit? Like, and I think this was coming to a turn for me too where it's just like, I'm getting upset about people having opinions on shit about with me and judgmental and being judgmental towards me when in reality it's like how you get mad at somebody who ain't never walked or walked, ain't experienced after shit you experienced. Ain't really done much and told you they ain't done much and you're getting flustered. Baby girl, calm down. Calm down, baby girl. It's not even worth the energy of getting flustered because you're getting mad at somebody who really can't tell you how to walk your walk because again, they're going mangos. You're going apples. And they ain't never tried to grow apple a day in a fucking life. And everything that they gotta tell you is opinionated, subjective. Don't let that shit roll up your back. It ain't even worth the anger. And I think that's the shit that frustrate there's a lot of people with me because y'all could say whatever the fuck y'all want to say. I'm not faced because one, you might know me from what I told you, but baby, there's a lot that goes on this mind. It's called just an explainer. There's a lot to go on this head. There's a lot that happens that I don't share with my internal thoughts that my journal will probably be able to tell you more than I, more than you think you know. And I don't feel like I have to deal with people if I don't. If I don't want to do something, I'm not doing it. Like I really understand when they say as you get older, the less fuck you give every fucking year, since I've turned 30, the older I've gotten, the less fuck I've had to give. No funny shit, because it's just like, it's miniscule. Like the shit you want to give so much energy to ain't even worth the fucking energy. And then at the time, as you get older, I know for me at 34, I preserve as much energy as possible. Because I'm not about to stay here and go back and forth for the fool. People can only understand and comprehend from the level that they understand from, so you can't force your narrative or your thought process now. Somebody throw you just gotta take it for what it is and keep it pushing. But I know somebody's not gonna bait me to fucking change my decision, or make me feel like I'm crazy, or gaslight me for the fucking not gonna do. 'Cause I'll leave you where you have me fucked up at. And I think for me, a lot of my friends, or a lot of the people I've known or grown up with that are in the same year of 24, it might not be as crucial to them because again, it's significant for me 'cause Paul Pierce has always been my favorite basketball star and we'll get into why and how it ties into my birthday. But it's like a lot of them still don't have kids. And I don't think it's really fully just by choice as much as it is by our upbringing and wanting to be in relationships or being in spaces that people I've interacted with or grown up with, being spaces where we're just not making that lifetime commitment with just anybody. And if it's meant to be, it'll be. But mind you, it's ghetto and child care is so expensive. It's not like I feel like we missing out on much either growth or not. 'Cause you can pick up and go whenever we fucking want to. But I'ma speak back on how Paul Pierce is my favorite player because since '98, Paul Pierce came in the game crazy. And it's crazy that his name is the truth that Shaquille O'Neal gave him because he was like to the thing like, take this down, quote me, don't take nothing out. But Paul Pierce is the mother fucking truth. I knew he could play, but I know he could play like that. That boy is the truth. And that's been his, and mind you, if you've ever seen him, Paul Pierce or his demeanor from being on the airwaves, that nigga's no host bar. It's what you see is what you get. And I'm not changing who the fuck I am for whatever. Like even when he did that show, it was with the astronaut show with celebrity astronauts or celebrities on Mars or some shit. And he was a part of it. He was like, yeah, I got kicked off the show 'cause I did some wild shit that I should never made public. Like he owns his shit, he accountable. And he's been like that even as a player. But when I say he's on a court, he's a different type of breed. He's a one of one. He's a one of one where he's like the underdog but under the radar. And it took until after his retirement when his number got retired for niggas to really see like Paul Pierce was that nigga. Like when you look at Game Tape or like highlight rails of Paul Pierce, that nigga was vicious. You take the wizard's arm on your old, two minutes down in the corner and you just shoot threes and just crossing up every nigga in the paint. It's wild. Just to take a step back and just shoot a three on him. Like he's always been a great player. And I think the Celtics have won so many championships with him. So it's always good. Don't get me wrong. The fresh blood like Jason, Jay Lane, Derek Drew and Parrot, Saracis, and Horford was a good deal but it's just like him, K.D., all of them niggas, Ray Allen out of time. Those niggas was unstoppable. They were a treacherous trio. And I think the way that he's always put his foot forward and not limiting himself just to basketball only like sports commentating, doing other adventures but always been about his community and his people. It's legit why I've always fucked with him. And legit why I've always been a Celtics fan because of that man. Like I admire him for his honesty and to me to be honest and a world full of a lot of critics is bravery. Because you can see him just to sort your truth to match whatever the status quo is and just go with the grain rather than going against it. So that type of shit makes me really fucking respect him and why I feel like my 34 is the truth here because literally I'm not hiding no more of my scars bro. Like I was giving honesty but for real for now I was like, y'all take it, cool, y'all don't, I don't give a fuck like and I don't have, I don't have time for fair weather friends or fair weather people in my space. Like you can be cool but if we ain't spoken months and social media is the only way we have means of contact I don't need your number. I don't need you in my face. I don't need you nowhere around me. Like I know people who just invite me places just to show the fuck up and I'm tired of just being a number to show the fuck up for you. But it's just like, I don't hear from any to check-ins no nothing but you but every time you wanna have an event you know my number. So fuck you, fuck your events. 'Cause they're ghetto anyway. 'Cause who fucking has events where they don't provide shit. And then you fucking have the audacity to sit here and be begging for niggas to bring shit like no. And then it's out the way. So like you're not somebody, you're cute and cool but it's not a, I can't do, I can't do that shit. At some point some shit is just not it no more. And like it's just not it. I'm not here for just a good time type people. I'm here for a good time, not a long time. No, I need niggas here. It was worth it for a long time. Because I'm at the age now where friendships matter most more than now than ever which is why I think it's so important to have a sister circle in your 30s or at least have dependable friends because baby as you get older it gets harder. It gets harder and I've met people out here that's in their 30s and shit but they just not my cup of tea. Like they're just too, not saying they're not different but it's just like I'm not forcing a connection. Like I said, I don't force curves. I go with the curve to flow. And if the flow is just not it, it's not it. And that's okay. It ain't no beef. It's just not it for me. So it's just like, I don't know. It's a lot of self reflection, a lot of realization. I think this happens every year but I think as I do these episodes year after year and if y'all want to go back and listen to 33 and 32 and 31 and 30 because 32 magic year was different. I think that's when I kind of had the real shift of understanding friendships and how it was valued more than people valued me. Let me say that again. The shift in friendships where I was valuing people, valuing people more than they valued me and valuing our friendship and putting onto a higher standard than what they did for me. And I realized I'm no longer an optional friend. I am a priority friend because I treat my friends like family because I take friendship seriously. And I think like, I think when I even when I heard him in the sales still this about her solitude episode is because I've been by myself and defending myself and for myself for so long that I know what I want. I know how I want it to be delivered. And yes, there could be caveats where you might be the 80, 20 even in friendships, but I'm not going to let you ever play in my face. Because friendship honestly is just like a relationship. Everything is based on communication and comprehension. Like you can communicate, that's what people don't understand too and I want you out of grasses. You can communicate effectively all day. If the comprehension and the understanding of being an unbiased opinion is not placed in that person's mind to separate themselves from the subject and what their opinion and feelings are to just be objective and not subject to the situation, then it goes through one area and not the other. So you can't talk to somebody who's already ready to misunderstand you because they're so honed in on just their perspective. And I'm not here to convince nobody shit anymore. Like as a former people pleaser, hand to the man, a former people pleaser, I have fully grown out the concept that I have to prove myself to anybody because what am I proving and what is it going to do for me? Because knowing me, it's just going to irritate me to have to overanalyze everything I'm doing. Because why am I going so hard if you claim you take me for me and why am I going so hard if there's just minor shit that I'm telling. Just don't do with me that maybe you do with other people and if you can't respect it, that's fine. I think that it's okay that people don't change and you're able to take them from where they're at. Like I did with my dad, took them from where he was at to put it just like I'm over this shit. I really don't want to be bothered because it's too inconsistent and it fucks with my mental and it fucks with my spirit. And it literally gives me a knot in my stomach so that my sister is too uneasy. It's a hit or miss. It's one day you're here, the next you're not. One day you fuck with me. I can't do that shit. So I can choose to leave you to fuck alone. As opposed to somebody else, that might be relationship, friendship, whatever. Where it's kind of like, I'm not proving myself to you because I know what my worth is and I know what I can contribute and I know what I bring. Now, if you're willing to not do some shit, to be out of respect for me, 'cause I'm asking if I don't like it, that's cool. If you can't, that's cool too. I can leave you where you have me fucked up at 'cause I'm not just tolerating. Like, setting up boundaries is the hardest shit to do when you're coming out of people, please. And because that's something that I used to do so much because I used to want to be the overachiever and be seen and recognized for all I've done and did, now I'm at the point, it's like, I want to be in the background. I want to say less and do more. Let your actions speak for yourself. Fuck all that other shit. Let it be what it be. Let people do what they do. And if somebody decides they want to leave, let them leave, don't hold on, don't beg nobody to be there if they don't fucking want to be there, but you can't force somebody's hand to think that they're gonna still be there either. So like, it's very mindful of how I pick my battles. Like, I barely have battles, but I pick them very meticulously because there's other wars that are going on within myself that I don't have the, I'm trying to put out those, trying to get the surrender for those wars more than I am the minor battles that are not necessary battles I have to be for where I could just sit on the sideline and let shit just like, coast. So like, I think I also got into meditation, which is a great thing. I need to do it more. I think for me, because my mind is always racing, I have to get back to a space where I usually use in the beginning of doing it, where I can settle my mind and let it just focus in on the singing goals. I haven't had a chance to do that yet again. In the last month, shit has been so crazy and so haywire that I have yet to just settle and sit with self. And that's what the fuck I think I'm going to be doing a lot of on this birthday trip. It's setting and sitting with self because it's necessary. I've had a lot about it, about the dysmorphia shit going on with me, because I gained all the weight that I had when I first moved here, literally came back with all the stress and the headaches over the last year and a half. With my whole losing my job shit, this shit has been crazy. Like, cortisol is real. It's to the point where like, it really will show up in your face and your body if you don't know how to tame the stress. And that's something I've been working on, but it's been so hard because it's just like, there's always something coming up and I think that's what 33 was, there's always something coming up. So now I'm more so in the space of taking what I have, taking my health more seriously and being more mindful of not stressing. And I think that's another reason why I less trouble with my back. Because given that I feel like I'm ginormous, like a busted can of biscuits because I gained all this weight back that I literally lost just four years ago or two years ago, which I was able to maintain it off. It's just like, I'm in my own head enough that I don't need to add any outside stresses that are not necessary to be here. That's just going to ask the cortisol and increase it where it's now showing up in my face and everything else where it's just like extra weight I don't need. And it's crazy because I'm a person who works out like five days a week, but it's just like, they really don't say it's all about your mental too. Like you can do the right things physically, but if mentally you're in the different space and shit is not right, it's the working our part is literally like, you're doing something but you're not. And that's where I'm at. Like, I need people who give a fuck about my routine, who care about my mental, who understand that how my body says morphine plays into my mental. And if I'm not happy with myself, don't expect me to be too happy with whatever you're seeing on the outside or trying to psych me out as opposed to just giving me the hang. I nobody that's morphine has you fucked up. But what are the results of what you want to do and how can I show up for you in this video assist you? Don't say it, be about it. Okay, I need your word to be born. So when it comes to situations like this, I feel like the truth here is gonna release and I'm honestly, I'm not gonna hold you. This new full moon literally helped me release because it was all about releasing. And I'm there, like a lot of relevant relations, a lot of new things. So that's where we're at. And I'll be back for parts of the election on how my birthday trip goes. But as I say always on air, don't forget be real, be true, and always be upon a jolly through you. So all my August virgos, happy birthday. So this September ones, I fuck with y'all too, just a little bit. Depends on who you are. But real shit, we out here. And I'm ready for 34. It's my part, peer share. It's the truth here, and we're here. I'll see y'all later. (upbeat music) ♪ Use the part game ♪ ♪ And I'm like shots from a macro ♪ ♪ But I don't get so fun ♪ ♪ And I only need one ♪ ♪ But at one point ♪ ♪ But she won't run to that moment ♪ ♪ She changed the game ♪ ♪ And she came to take me ♪ ♪ I made the video ♪ ♪ Damn, I ain't just think ♪ ♪ The part ain't too funny ♪ ♪ Damn, now I don't know how bad ♪ ♪ I'm just gonna start up ♪ ♪ If there's someone's wrong ♪ ♪ It's y'all ♪ ♪ If I would've been strong enough ♪ ♪ I'm cool ♪ (upbeat music) (audience cheering) ♪ 'Cause I've been in the mood ♪ ♪ Hey, yes, my name ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ I can't get ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ 'Cause this is me ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ Something, something, something ♪ ♪ Get on so good ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah, I'm in my life ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ It's so good and smell good ♪ ♪ Oh, I already did it ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ It's so good ♪ ♪ Yeah, it's so good ♪ ♪ I'm in my my week girl ♪ ♪ I'm in my life ♪ ♪ I'm in my life ♪ ♪ That girl's so old ♪ ♪ Oh, that girl's so good ♪