If you Google “sex during pregnancy”, you’ll get a lot of results about whether sex is OKAY, and the general consensus is you and your partner can go for it. Fewer articles explore the experience of having multiple partners during sex and loving it.
Vanessa and Anna, two pornstars and slutty people in their personal lives, share this lived experience. They each discuss different insecurities they faced related to slutting before, during and after pregnancy, including uncertainty about finding a supportive partner, changes in the body shape and appearance, and expectations around appropriate behavior during pregnancy.
It turns out, in their experience, pregnancy presents an awesome opportunity for sexuality. With romantic partners, it can be a uniquely intimate experience. When pursuing anonymous or one-off hookups, pregnancy can be a desirable kink. And the horniness of a pregnant person creates unique opportunities for exploring new experiences, including those that previously may have felt off-limits due to inhibitions.
With care to your sexual and emotional health, slutting while pregnant is not only possible, it can be arousing and fun for all parties involved.
(upbeat music) - Welcome back to a slut's guide to happiness, where your body is perfectly imperfect and it's safe to be a sexual, kinky, queer, or slutty as you want. Today I'm excited to be talking with my friend down in San Yalay, Anna, a fantastic queer performer and content creator who has been involved in Cliff Media for the past year, and also does a lot of her own work. You can find a lot of Anna's work in places online, including her fat plate page, Meloquiel, that's M-E-L-L-O-K-H-E-E-L, and her only fans by the same name, as well as on Cliff Media's website, finessecliff.com. And like me, Anna has a whole other part of her life because we're a complex human beings in addition to being sex workers. Anna is also a mom and her toddler, I don't know, when is the age when you can start saying toddler? Her baby, her toddler, her standing up, little one is the freaking cutest and also looks so much like her partner, which I adore. The first time I met Anna was at a Cliff Media or g-shoot as it goes. She was pregnant, like beautifully voluptuously seven months pregnant. And I thought, what a badass, trying a bold new experience while in the depth of significant body changes. So much happens during pregnancy, as you know. If you haven't experienced it just to catch you up on some of the gritty details, some of the changes are inherently awful. Like from me, I experienced sore boobs, indigestion. When I was walking to work at the time, I'd have to stop in alleyways. And I would like throw up and pee on myself, then have to walk back home, change my clothes and then try walking back to work again. So none of those were particularly sexy, fun changes. And then there are also a lot of changes that are not inherently bad one way or another. They're just a remarkable contrast to the rest of life and the implications of those changes will depend on how you think about them and what you make of them. For example, it is a fact that you get bigger during pregnancy than you were before. And all of these changes can have a significant impact on people's sexuality, including hormones, but all these other changes in your body too. And sometimes for some people, the physical symptoms can simply make sex undesirable. And for some pregnant people, and I wanna note that we're specifically using the language pregnant people instead of pregnant women because anyone with a uterus, regardless of gender, can get pregnant. So some pregnant people talk about feeling unattractive or unsexy, which was definitely how I felt at first. But also, especially in the second trimester, I was ravenously horny, y'all, more than at any time in my life. So I pretty quickly gained a bucket attitude towards my sexuality. For me, it wasn't like I started feeling attractive and then I started having a lot of sex who was like, I'm horny, I'm give a fuck if I'm unattractive. And so quite like anything else you think is unattractive about your body, if you accept it, if you're confident, if you're not focused on it, if you're focused on connection or fun or play, you will inevitably find people who think you're sexy as hell. As a solo parent, I was intentionally single throughout my pregnancy and I bugged so many random people riding the heady hormones of pregnancy. So today, Anna and I are gonna be talking about sex and sexuality during pregnancy, especially the experience of non-normative sex. If you're trans, non-binary, queer in your sexual desires, non-monogamous, kinky or slutty, you may have a different experience with your sexuality than people who are in married, monogamous, traditional relationship during their pregnancy. And we know, if you're listening to podcasts, you probably already know quite intimately that slut shaming is common enough regardless of what's going on in your life. Add the layer of pregnancy and you've got a lot of assumptions about what is possible and permissible. And I'm excited to talk to Anna about this because man, woman, God is God, we need empowering conversations about sexual liberation during pregnancy. So Anna, thank you so much for joining us and sharing your experience today. You shared with me that you went through three process of discovery and realization during your pregnancy and throughout this episode, we'll be able to dive into each of them. But I wanna start with way back when, even before you got pregnant, you had the fear that you wouldn't find someone who wanted to have a child with you. In part because of that slut shaming, we just talked about, I think. But can you tell us more about that, where that belief came from and then what changed? - Oh, like probably because like when I just studied, like, flooding around a lot of people were very against having kids, like for example, like I heard a lot of conversations about, but male partners didn't want to get it with female partners or have kids. So like it was said, like it's a very bad thing. And after like I found out, but maybe I would judge with wrong people because there is nothing which stops you from being a parent who is slutty, if you find a good balance between your sexual eyelids and having a child, like I don't think having a child makes you any less desirable. But sometimes people, especially people with your dress have a wrong perception of it. - Do you know what people, what you were hearing from people about why having a child and being slutty weren't compatible? - Like, first of all, because pregnancy affects your body, like with stretch marks and like, mainly like some people can be very like ashamed of what it's forced and seed isn't attractive, but it isn't just the way of looking at it. And also, of course, like when you have a child, it also adds a lot of responsibilities that some people are too afraid to balance it with kinky life because like, of course, it's good to have a kinky life, but you should do it outside of your child. So it's hard to find an arms between two things. - I absolutely get that. I think even outside of judgment and shame, I see a lot of people who feel like they're choosing one or the other. I have a lot of friends in a kinky sex work or, you know, slutty lifestyle kind of community who don't have kids, I think more than the average population. And when I find other parents, kindred spirits like you that have both. And like you said, compartmentalize them, but choose to have both lives. I'm like, "Guess, hey, I see you." But so how did you change? What was that process of realization? Like, "Oh, I can do this." I think that changed when I met my current partner because she always wanted to be a mom. She had several attempts of becoming a mom and like none of them worked. So she was very into having kids. And I probably was, when you have kids as well, but I was too scared because I don't think anybody would want to have kids with me as a full set prior. So like when she was very open about it and like she brought the idea and like, she really wanted it. Like, I thought it was the right person. Like, really started to plan for a child, almost like very soon in our relationship. And I also got some issues with conceiving because like I have been on hormones since I identified as non-binary and also I have been on heavy birth control because of my shame of getting pregnant. So at some point, I thought it was infantile just because it was very hard to conceive. But once I was in the hospital for something else and I accidentally found out I was pregnant and I was very both scared and excited, but like I was happy with it. Us finally was happening and it was not infantile. How was it afraid of? - Ooh, I didn't realize that you, like you really, really wanted a baby and the exact moment in which you had it wasn't specifically planned. Like you realized that it was a surprise when you're in the hospital, huh? - Not definitely, yeah. Like I wanted a baby, but like I was trying to give to give up because like we were trying to fall almost a year and I was not getting pregnant so I thought it was impossible. So like I was both very surprised but also excited because I really wanted to have a baby but like I was always giving up on that idea and like finally like I achieved it. - Yeah, yeah. So when I was trying to get pregnant, it was about a year for me too. So I really relate to that. And so I was, you know, I was trying to be a solo parent. I was paying for the sperm bank, which like, ugh, that is, I'm glad that exists for the people who want it. And that is some middle class bougie shit that I could not really afford. So, you know, I was also just living my life and I was, of course, not on birth control and continuing to be study. And I was having the conversations with the people that I was fucking like, I'm trying to get pregnant. I'd love for you to cream pie me and I'd love for you to then ditch my life if I get pregnant 'cause I want to be a solo parent. But it took me a while to be like combining this reproduction focused activity with this still fun play. And I think from what I've kind of gathered from people who are doing it even within the context of relationship that that can come up for some people, was that a factor for you and your relationship to sexuality during the time? - No, yeah. I think like if you're trying to have a child, like of course, that's makes the sex much more meaningful because you know, just having sex, you know, the purpose of having a child. So of course, it's makes it much more exciting because yeah, like just for the process of breeding and like accepting a child or whatever it is, quite that it makes much more exciting thing. - Okay, so for you, there was some level of excitement or arousal related to the process of the attempts to become pregnant? - No, definitely because like it's makes sex much more meaningful because like it's not just sex, it's sex for creating a family which is much more meaningful and valuable for me. And there's something very beautiful about it. - That's interesting that there are lots of different ways that the process of becoming pregnant can be arousing for the people that I was interacting with because they weren't trying to have a family. It was, they're interested in it was mostly like, or hot breeding. And you're describing that for you and Alex, a lot of it was around wanting to start a family and that was made the sexual connection. - Not definitely like both me and Alex came from not very healthy families. So we wanted to have our own families so we can do differently and yeah, like I think we've over dedicated to our family and of course like it brought us much closer together. - So Ana, I wanted to ask you and raise this for listeners because I think it's really beautiful and just another layer of bravery for you all that you are, you and Alex, your partner, your co-parenting partner that you had a child with are both trans, is that right? - Yeah, like she and Digiply are transgendered female and I and Digiply are non-binary. Yeah. - Okay, and did that come up? Well, you were in the process of trying to get pregnant and early in your pregnancy when you're interacting with doctors about your pregnancy? - I don't think we really wanted to talk to the doctors about it because we didn't want to have any like transfer be around us. But that would definitely come up to us because like we didn't know it would be better for me to present as a mother's father. Like I thought to present as a father at first, but like when I realized that my wife was female, my mother was female and they also had a pet back then who was female and I just wanted to be better for me to present as a mom just because we're like so many women in the household and I wanted to be one of them. - That's beautiful. So you both chose to be women out of the, like to identify as women out of the desire to have that family and that connection. Your child is a little girl, is that right? - No, yeah, she's a little girl. Yeah, I'm like, I think like we both wanted to do like all this stuff with how like go get deals together, go like wear dresses or like all that stuff. - Yeah, yeah, beautiful. So your gender, which you know, gender can be fluid was you know, informed by the desire to have your family. And I hear you describing that in your sexuality and your sex pre-pregnancy as well that you were having more meaningful sex because of your vision for your family. So it's just, it's beautiful how much I'm hearing that your desire for family influenced your own identity as an adult separate from your child as well. - No, definitely because my identity can be fluid but like being pregnant and just going for like more feminine process of like pregnancy and childbirth like it made me much more accepted on the common inside because like again, I felt like I was suppressing my family's feminine side also mostly about like me so training and like sexism and like by seeing some strength and femininity it was much easier for me to connect to it. - Hell yes. I loved when I went through the process in my personal life and I do not want to invalidate genderqueer and trans folks including, you know, assigned female at birth but trans male identifying folks. But for me personally, my experience of like accepting my gender was like, as a woman, I can be like razor edge and I can be fierce, I can be a superhero too. And like that power doesn't have to be, you know, invalidated by my own identification as a woman. - No, definitely not. - Yeah. I want to jump to that second moment of realization that you talked with me about was the realization after you got pregnant that you were still attractive and I think that this was particularly powerful for me. I loved hearing this because potentially from the way that you're describing it may have been more significant for me. I know that, you know, I have privilege walking through the world because of, you know, coincidentally like a fact of just like random coincidence. I happen to be smaller body and we live in a fucked up fat phobic society. So I remember experiencing for the first time like I was on a bus and this dude was like, oh, it looks like you're getting so big that you can't even fit in the seat anymore, which is an awful thing to say to anyone regardless of why someone's body is big. And it took me a while to realize that it really was just the process of starting to have sex and realizing that people were into me still of unlearning those, you know, internalized discriminatory narratives about who is attractive and desirable and worthy of love. So how was it that you went through that journey both for your sexual relationship with Alex and then also for, you know, you're sledding while you were in pregnancy and your connection with other people feeling attractive in your new body? - I think like first of all, like I'm a big person just by itself. So like it wasn't much big difference because like I don't think they change much like I'm used to be a big body and like I'm so confident because of it, like it has never been a big factor in me. Like I was like discriminated on multiple things but like I almost now was discriminated because of my size, because probably like I know how to be big but also be attractive at the same time. So like I don't think it has been an issue. But like of course, like it was important to have a healthy sexual relationship with my partner and it was very nice when my partner was very supportive of me, like I remember like when my stomach was like big over with Kyle to give it like she would like touch my stomach. Like when it became like far a big she would call it like a globe because like a big strong bubble and it was like very nice. And like even like when we had sex last time when I was pregnant, we were just straight before going to the hospital because we wanted to have a pregnancy sex of a child and that was being induced. So like the one is like they'll make it memorable before we go for induction. And of course like also, Alex was very supportive about me being the valid people because I think she was a little bit more concerned about it prior, but we were trying for a baby because she wanted to make sure what if a baby was hers. But like after I tried to find out if it was hers she was much more open and she would even invite our people to be sexual with me because of what it would be healthy for both of us to bond this way and by like being with people who Alex would invite to be with me, I was like seeing that people still appreciate me and I was more encouraged to explore on my own. So like, yeah, I don't think people really stop pregnancy is unattractive being like, even though we did like I had some people who I think were pointing and it's especially sexy to be with somebody who is not very partner, but like pregnant and but still in open to have sex. Because like I think some people just attracted to pregnant people in general so that I think that was probably even being which was making people more attracted to me. - Yeah, I remember when you were performing, I just loved and was so turned on by kissing your big beautiful belly. But the other thing that I'm hearing that you're saying that is powerful is that your support from your partner and then also just getting out there and having sex with other people and realizing the feedback from people, those two things were contributing to you feeling sexy in your body. - No, definitely. It's important that like I was able to see what people find me attractive. And of course, it's important to feel what your partner partner is attracted to you because of course this is your age and it's more important. But like it's also nice to see what it's not only VAM, but like everybody else. And like it feels very empowering and like it takes away like all insecurities and like you know, but you can actually be at perende in this exit at the same time and it really is known. But it's around it. - Yeah, yeah. So I want to ask you some personal questions. Feel free as in everything to say, I don't want to talk about it. But I would love to get a little like Vogue magazine style input on what was your sex like during pregnancy? What were from your favorite sex acts? What felt good in your body while you were pregnant? - I don't think it changed my from my normal sexual life. Like I think it was just nice to do like with some of the things I do. Obviously having been in triation, like having group sex. Like of course, like me being in the foreign scene with you is very interesting because it was my first time when I was participating in porn and being someone month pregnant was making it much more meaningful and badass. - Yeah, I think my step 5 didn't change much because of me being pregnant. But like exactly what was empowering but like you don't need to change much about your sexual life. But of course you need to be safe, actually. But like when about like you don't need to change much about your sexual life and you're pregnant, you can just continue doing the same thing if you're being picky and you're being selective and you're just not like doing anything in rescue. So you don't put baby in danger. - Yeah, yeah. I want to go to that. You, I absolutely agree. It was super badass that you showed up when you were seven months pregnant. And I didn't realize that was your first time being in porn because honestly if you were nervous, I couldn't tell. You and Alex were just vibing up each other in that scene. And then also like I think about especially. So you came to the big group or two but also especially where I saw you just like blossom and shine was when we did that small group, you know, like pretending that way was pride and queer, queer specific shoot. And then, you know, we were playing and you were doing some stripping and we're all kind of like making out and eating each other. So what was your experience there? Like how did you feel about your pregnant belly, your pregnant body in that space about doing porn while pregnant for the first time and about how people reacted to you as a pregnant person? - I think like we're saying like I really like but small group scene we did together because it being that was very meaningful and powerful and especially shows our diversity. So like it was my favorite scene, like my third porn as well. And like I like to watch it sometimes on my own as well right now because like it makes me feel with good memories about being pregnant, about like being together wide. So it's all like it's very meaningful for me and I like to see it. And of course, like what I also liked about that scene is like I think people were active very positively to me being pregnant because I know you have been very like supportive of it and also was like an other guy who I think like he slept with Alex and she was also like very like hot lame, like touching the belly. Like this was like very comforting because I don't think I was scared because like I had a bunch of experience of group sex before like a horse mountain group sex events. So like I have an experience like I never have been filmed before but like it wasn't something new. But like of course like sometimes like when you do porn you need sometimes to just calm down and feel kind of like supported and like being pregnant and like being touched by the belly of what's like it's very comforting. And I feel like being comforted and being safe was very important when you do porn. Yeah, I, this isn't, you know, super sexual but I remember one incident while I was pregnant where this guy, I think he was experiencing mental illness. I was just walking on the street and he kind of got aggressive with me and then I stopped him and I was like I feel like baby kicking. You wanna put your hand in my belly and feel it with me? And he just completely lost his aggression just like had that moment of connection. I feel like there's something kind of almost universal in that but one of the things that I'm hearing from you is that even potentially even more than you normally experience that you wanted some aftercare and aftercare after the scene included feeling touched on your body. Can you describe more about what that meant for you? Yeah, like I had several times like outside it was scenes like when mean that guy like the guy looked together and he would touch my belly and just like we would be talking about like my child and was very supportive and of course like it was very nice when I had the addicts would be aware as well because like just like being with her and feeling supportive loved by her was also very empowering. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think about how in addition to all the narratives about people who are pregnant and poor and kind of the fetishization, if it shows up at all like it's not super common in the mainstream point industry but if it shows up at all, it's very often fetishized and it's not often that partners will come as well. And so there's the kind of questions that I hear a lot in interviewing mainstream porn stars of like how can you possibly continue in a relationship? Like how does your partner feel about this, about you doing porn? Like especially at a time when you're starting your family and it was, you know, it was like a beautiful contrast to that that you and Alex, you and your partner were both doing porn together there in that space. How did you all come to that? Yeah, like I feel exactly the opposite of you the same because like I think like when you have sex together with your partner with somebody else it shrinks your relationship with you do it in the right way because like I would probably would like her to be present and most sexual experience I have because like I think like yeah, like if you do trauma of course it can break relationship but if you do it in the right way like I think it's empowering to see your partner having good sexual experience with somebody else and because like you cannot give everything you want to your partner like some things like I cannot give it to her for example like Alex likes to receive analysis and it of course better than she does with somebody who has a penis. So seeing how doing it with somebody else like it makes me feel happy because I know it makes you feel happy and it can bond people together because like I know Alex had like a fantasy about being whole by somebody that she receives and I like just like the moment when you like touch each other like while a lot of you is hated part is like very comforting and loving. So if you do it in the right way having sex together with your partner can bring you together. I think like when the jealousy comes up that it can become toxic but like if you know how to control it and how to set around the right boundaries it can be very empowering. - Yeah, I feel like one of the things that for me is that jealousy absolutely does come up despite the fact that I have been Polly and slutty for a very long time for more than a decade. I still experience jealousy and for me it's less about trying to eliminate it and more trying to work with it in a healthy positive way. So I'm wondering I love the idea that you know that like you don't have a biological dick per se. You can use dildos but sometimes yes it can be different. And so you know you're leaning into loving on your partner by supporting her and having that particular fantasy that she wants. So how is it that you either eliminate or work with your jealousy including when it comes up in group sex situations? - Like it was very hot for me as well like me and I just actually had several fights about me getting jealous. Like I'm not saying that it never happened but I think like the right fingers to understand but like yeah like some things that you know do for her because for example like I don't have a dick or something like this. And understand but like just because you explore with somebody else it doesn't mean what she does is love me in love. Like you just want your partner to be happy and like you don't need to see as love is something limited. But like it's unlimited for only but like if she shares love with somebody else she loves you a lot. Like it's possible to love multiple people and love is limitless. And like yeah with someone's you can have multiple friends you can have multiple lovers. And like if you want your lover to be happy like you should support from what we're doing is safe and the consensual and everything. - Yeah, I wanna go to that piece because I do think that sometimes one of the core worries that people have when they're considering slutting I think especially during pregnancy is is it safe? So what were some of the things that were coming up for you around safety and ways that you kept yourself safe while slutting during pregnancy? - I don't think like I changed anything like while I was pregnant. But of course it's important to get tested, to have your partner get tested, use condoms with somebody new. So like of course like all of us is very important. And also of course like if you have like a primary partner we should know who to have sex with because just being in open relationship doesn't mean you can just sleep with whatever you want you should be open about what you're doing with people you involve with long term. So we get a sense where our own risk is about. - Communication and consent. Oh, so I'll take those back to that. Yeah. And you know I don't know, I think PrEP is newish not you know not a new medication but talking about it really broadly and talking about it outside of the gay male community is a much newer culture phenomenon. And then Doxy PEP in particular is like really new for even doctors to be talking to patients about were either of those things relevant to you and like did you ever, I don't personally know actually something I'd like to do more research about if those preventive medications are safe during pregnancy were they something you were using or talking with your doctor about? - I never use them myself but I know I use PrEP at some point. I don't know if she uses it right now but I know she was using PrEP at some point because like she had like sex of somebody who found out about the heads by media like hopefully like they both does it negative so nothing bad happened but I think like she decided don't go on PrEP so I know she had experience. But I never was in PrEP or nothing like this because like I usually don't have too much sexual partner so like I don't think I'm in bad victories with a lot of exposure and also like I don't like with a lot of PrEP and that's when we come to side effects and like I don't think it's worth it. - At least for me. - Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean I think for me the calculation is like, you know when I have 15 different sexual partners per week it's useful to be on PrEP and doxy PrEP so that I can continue sledding and feel confident and safe about it but yeah, it totally depends on the situation of people's individual lives and yeah, it absolutely can make me nauseous and I've heard some people cause rashes and so it is that, you know, personal calculation. So another question that I hear from people around sledding which to me is interesting because I really don't think that there's a whole lot of conversation or judgment that people have around spousal sex like if you're married and having sex during pregnancy there's less concern about it than expressed if you're sledding but one of the concerns being like how can you have that happening with your baby like isn't like getting up in your genitals touching your baby and I think that we need to be careful about the language of fetus versus baby like when it comes out as a baby until then it's a fetus but still like the question that people have is how can you expose this person to your sled lifestyle? - Like I do not look, I believe like it's important to understand like with child's development like when the baby is still in your belly we don't know what sex is we don't know what we're being exposed to so I don't think like morally it's a bad thing because like with child is still young from the standard like of course when the child is born you should don't be like bringing random people to your heart so have sex with the child is present like you should like for a baby cedar or do that by the side of a home so this would be different but when you're pregnant like I don't think like with child's know so much with difference between like very biological father or like just random people but like I think like when we talk about random people we should think about child's medical safety is so like of course like again talking about like STI protection, STI checks, condoms because like I don't think morally but there is like something wrong with it but like of course like if a child got exposed straight STI and they get impacted that was considered like a responsible and maybe even child abuse being on the parent side because like when you're pregnant you should be very careful about what do you expose your child though so yeah - So I want to go to the other side and I know that sex means lots of different things for people like there are some people who are asexual for whom you know cuddles are what they want and they want that emotional connection instead of a sexual connection and there are other people on the opposite of this spectrum perhaps who like without sex life doesn't feel fulfilling and it's really important in their lives and so you know what does sex do for you in general as a benefit but specifically especially during pregnancy like why did it feel good for you to have sex, why did that matter to you? - I feel like I'm a little bit conservative about sex especially for slat community because like I mostly see sex as bonding but like I just see sex as bonding moment just with your partner so like you can include like whole fronts as well so like I still kind of want to have like a little bit like tight circle instead of just having many surrounded people like I'd like to have a connection with people I have sex with but also like if we're talking about porn or something with like I find it it's empowering and I find it is there a type of art and like self-expression but also like of course I would still like to choose the people that have sex with women there because like of course like it's probably easier to be less lucky when you perform because like you do important like it's a little bit different from everyday life but still like I would like to get to know a little bit of people better than I've ever seen so long as well so that I taste that to have some evil conversations prior to have sex with somebody Yeah I absolutely get that that you know even people who don't necessarily identify as demisexual still there can be people who you know want to have a conversation and you know my partner and I go through all the different things so for example last night I like poured him out to a random guy that we met up of snippies that was fun for us but also I really like having that emotional connection and the main thing for me is wanting to support people being able to choose like that's why enthusiastic consent is important so that even though you're coming to porn you are still making decisions about who in the room you want to engage with and how much you want to engage with them so I want to go to your third stage of realizations that happened after you gave birth so what was it like giving birth for you how was your recovery and then you know what were you beginning to think about sex immediately after so let's talk about that period immediately after you gave birth like I don't think the experience in girls itself was very nice because like I don't think I was treated well now by the hospital stuff and like we kind of need to learn to find birth plan so and also like I was not able to infuse because like the conditions were not the best one and I had a six-section so don't for itself was a little bit frustrating experience because like I don't think about what that's planned so now I'm thinking if I'm having a certain child I'll probably prefer to have a midwife so I can have more power to say what I want because like it looks like hospital experience to kind of go by the standard like we don't really care about personalization so what I didn't like about hospital birth but I think like what was empowering like because I was mad about medical professionals who I don't think treated me well enough I didn't really wanted to wait six weeks to have sex and I just wanted to have sex and I thought I would be ready myself which in my case was two weeks and of course like I had sex in my primary partner because like you still feel vulnerable and like you don't really want to go poking out of front of people but our father was a little bit empowering to try to decide on my own when I want to have sex after birth instead of being told by a medical professional yeah I think about that I've heard a couple of people who've had vasectomies and afterwards they were told wait seven days they were like fuck this I wait eight three days even if it hurts it's so important to me to have sex but I think you know especially within the context that you're describing when you were experiencing lack of respect and consent around your own body in the medical setting you had the contrasting experience of having sex and choosing for yourself when you want to have sex and one theme that I'm hearing coming up is you're describing these sexual interactions as a source of empowerment throughout your pregnancy and thereafter and you're immediately thereafter what can you talk about why this is that this feels empowering for you probably because a lot of people like here how you were saying stigmatized uh sexualized in the state who you can have or you can not have sex with and like what I like about it but like you should think your own decisions like even if you have a partner you should still have a like your voice would still be the primary part of the Bible you do with your body even if you have people you involved with like you should have your own decisions about what you do and like this is why you like let's say it's empowering because women I usually put in some work this about what they should do and what they should not do and I probably have to read with some of it but like also like it's good for me to decide but for myself what I think is right exactly for me again like well I want to have a me device because like when you have birth of a me device you can make your own options about what to include in your birth so I think why you can just wait I believe you should choose what's right exactly for me is what makes it empowering yeah going right back to making choices about your own body um so I want to ask just a couple more questions about you know the changes in your body and how it's been um over the last period of time throughout your post-partum period so I for me it was really important to getting back to being strong I got back to you know I was doing boxing and weight lifting but I have never lost the changes in my body like my body is permanently a post-baby producing body like I will always have a stretch mark so that's something that took a while for me to accept um but you know I know that you have gotten back to having sex with other people and I'm interested in hearing how you went through the process of being feeling good about that like with weight it was pretty easy probably like because I was already a bigger person like my weight almost immediately came back to what I was when I got when the before I got pregnant so losing weight was not an issue because I just almost immediately after birth came back to my normal weight without even donating anything so this was easy but like yeah I was a little bit concerned about my stretch mark but my partner didn't care and like I was still like exploring with people like people didn't care and like even some of them go again more attracted to me is being a mom and like right now while my partner is incarcerated a single mom so like I think like yeah having a child was even like making me feel more appealing to people because like it shows like some maturity shows like some more grateful it is which attracted to people so like things like yeah don't people don't really care about my stretch marks because I kind of had my own stigma around it but like I don't think anybody like beat my attention to it oh my gosh I'm tearing up as you're saying this because you're also adding the layer of like there's these narratives around single parents and actually I what you're saying I deeply agree with like your ability to be a single parent actually shows your maturity your you like you've got your shit together taking care of your baby all on your own that's impressive and sexy like live that life yes and I love that you're getting the affirmation from people that that that is sexy that that both your body and your strengthening capacity as a human is is beautiful so I want to close out with your recommendations for people who are either getting pregnant or currently pregnant and trying to figure out how sexuality continues in their life and and what to make of their sex life during this huge change in their than the body and their in their family and their lives I think like yellow but the pregnancy should be a process of loving yourself and loving your partner so it's a good time to bond with your own desires and with your partner it's also like a good time to actually change your lifestyle because like I mean it's something I didn't do any regret not doing it but like it's a good time to change your lifestyle to come from a more wild one lifestyle like more peaceful and comforting and child friendly but also like keep some some fairness about it as well and know what like you see a lot of fun even if you're a parent like just be safe around your child but like still have your own like you should not you should not be absorbed just in your child but like also like it's a good time to become more loving and more nurturing to your body to your child to your partner and just enjoy this time because like I don't think like you should change much much of your lifestyle like you can still have sex if whatever you want you can still eat what you want you can still exercise if it's not hard for your body like you still used to stop doing drugs and alcohol because it was definitely dangerous for the baby but other than that like you can do whatever you want in like with pregnancy should not limit you to be a successful powerful person you are like it should just empower you because a lot of people actually see pregnancy is something beautiful and attractive so I don't think it should be something stopping you from being yourself and I also like I don't know any titles right now because like that's something I want to explore but like I know there are some books and some podcasts already about people who are being parents or pregnant or something while having children and being kinky like I already got a book that I don't remember with title that's why I cannot trick them out but I got a book from sexual which is exactly about how to be a mom while being a sex worker like I think like literally like which can be very helpful on this point like I still need to find some titles myself but like it's something I want to get into and I recommend you to live up as well yeah I love that that there's both fighting in-person community and then also in some ways books and podcasts and literature and movies allow us to have some kind of online community or community through writing and the other thing is like I have always felt that in order to be the best parent that I can being distressed feeling confident and happy in myself makes me a better parent so it's not necessarily this either or it's like I have to take time away from my baby to have a kinkier slutty or sexual life but actually doing that empowering part of my life helps to feed my positive relationship to my child so when your cell been out here and you're trapped like it sounds in it itself is but like it's hard work because like a healthy parent doesn't need to have a healthy child so you get it yourself and then your child so in a safe environment can be even good for your child because you will feel better about yourself and you will be able to take him by the caravan Anna thank you so much for sharing your experiences these vulnerable experiences during pregnancy and your incredible empowering perspectives and viewers thank you for tuning in today this has been another edition of a slut's guide to happiness with your host Vanessa Cliff and our amazing sexy co-star Anna today you can find us wherever you get your podcasts including apple and spotify as well as on binesiccliff.com please help us out by liking and sharing this podcast and stay tuned for more deep dives and a beautiful mesium fun waters if you're over the age of 18 you can also check in our video content on Anna's platforms mellow keel on fat or only bands and on our website with me as website Vanessa Cliff.com and most of all I invite you to join us in the pleasure of being awkwardly human naked and without pretense let's get free [Music]
