The Johnny Salami Podcast
Shaunak Godkhindi
I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] [MUSIC PLAYING] Oh, well, I'm hurting. [MUSIC PLAYING] Hey, how are you, buddy? Fuck, yeah, dude. What's good to have you here, man? Thank you, man. It was going to meet you the other night. Met you up Saturday. Look at us now. Yeah. I mean, do you? When I met you, bro, I thought, you know, it felt like we were like best friends in another dimension, you know what I mean? Yeah, I can see that. You feel that? Kindred souls, I think I said. It was wild, dude. You scooped me, and I was like, that's a real friendship. Yeah, right off the bat, man. Yeah, and then somebody must have separated us in the other dimension, you know what I mean? They didn't want us to be together. Yeah. What do you think we did? They, like, fucked it up. Probably some Snowden-type shit. Oh, really? Edward? Yeah, Edward? No. Jose. Jose Snowden. Two schoolers, two guys. Yeah, we probably, like, put some information out there that the establishment didn't want out there. Yeah, like nudes. Nudes. Nudes of, you know, the top. Like Hillary Clinton, dude. Yeah, we put Hillary's nudes out there. You think you'd smash that? Younger Hillary is cute. Yeah. That's the most politically correct answer I think. I've never seen a younger one. I've never seen a younger version, dude. Really? She looks-- I feel like the old version just does enough for me, man, you know? Yeah, dude. It's not like a death. I feel like it'll ruin it, you know, like what we have. You're going to-- on images, you're typing Hillary Clinton, and then one of those is, "Yes, it is, "iller Clinton hot," and you're like, no. Regular is all I need. Yeah, that's like a movie spoiler, dude, you know? Yeah, and, you know, you don't want to go there. It's like shrooms. Like, if Wade is doing it for you, you don't got to go to shrooms yet. Wait until Wade is, you know, boring. Yeah, that's like getting high as tits, and then drinking like 15 beers. Yeah, you don't need that yet. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's supposed to be a kid too, I think. Really? There's a picture of her with JFK, and I was like, damn, dude. Something about her, like, gets me going too. Yeah, it's probably just the fact that she's bombed like 30 villages. [LAUGHTER] That is weak. Yeah, dude. She just doesn't even care, man, you know? It's funny that you're like looking at her, and you see the stats next to it. You're like 40 villages. She's like a little chart, dude. A little trying. You have, like, horny, robocomb. Dude, I wonder if dudes are doing that, like, spanking to Hillary, and like Nancy, and all those-- Probably. Probably there are some like, guys out there. Yeah. Who's that other woman, the AOC? AOC's hot. She looks like a Barbie girl, dude. Yeah, I mean, let's be honest. I mean, especially next to the other, the politicians, you know? Yeah. It's a-- she would be hot on her own, but I think-- Yeah, I would love for her to yell at me, dude. That'd be sick. She probably would love to yell at it. It seemed like exactly who she would yell at me. You were a guy who-- you have trouble in, like, professional situations. Yeah, oh, yeah. Same here, man, yeah. I was just talking about this yesterday, but I-- a big personality hire. Like, people just-- I'm friendly. Yeah. But I can't do anything technical at all. You're there for, like, moral support and shit. Truly. I got fired from a job one time, and they said, hey, man, we have no idea what you've been doing here. There's nothing-- you haven't turned into anything. But we do-- we are going to have a Christmas party. On December 15, you should come for that. Oh, fuck, I was like-- OK. That's fucking sick. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty sick, though. I'm not about-- You're bringing the energy. You need that guy, though. Yeah, you want to go to-- The hype, man. Yeah, you want a guy that's making it-- You go along with everyone. You kind of, like, have some enemies. I don't think I have any enemies. I feel like you all got enemies, dog. Yeah. You know? I don't know. Maybe I just don't be thinking about my enemies. Yeah, for real. Do you have enemies? Fuck, dog. Nah, dude. No. Just haters, man. Just haters. They don't really get mad, dude. Yeah, I can see that. I don't either. Yeah, seem to be pretty calm, dude. Yeah. But I want to get mad, though, dude. I get jealous of people that can get angry, and then it goes away. Yeah. I was watching one of your clips about how you used to get, like, bullied and shit. Which one? For being a brown boy. Like, in one of your-- in one of your sk-- like, one of your stand-up clips. Oh, really? Oh, like, was that an old clip? No, like, you're a don't-tell thing. Mm. Mm. Like, you get bullied. They say, like, don't come but, you know, go back to-- Yes, yes. --where you came from. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, man, that got me, like, kind of-- I just felt like even more of your brother. You know what I mean? You were there to-- you were ready to go to work for me? This guy's been through heartache, dude. [LAUGHTER] You know? Because those are-- I don't have, like, hate or-- like, I don't have enemies, dude. I just can't-- I can't get along with people who haven't, like, experienced, like, heartache, you know what I'm saying? Oh, sure. Like, these people who, like, fucking-- like, their parents are rich and shit. Yeah. And then they'll put up, like, nudes in front of a David's bridal. And they'll be, like, free Palestine. And it's like, dude, I can see your fucking roast beef saying what you know what I'm saying, dude. Like, what are we doing? I mean, it's already about one person in particular. It sounds like you're describing someone so specifically. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] It's just one woman named Victoria that you're talking about. I mean, it's kind of, like, a niche thing I feel like. Yeah, yeah. You see in a lot of that stuff. Yeah, I mean-- You're living in Brooklyn, right? So you got to see a lot of that stuff. Yeah, I mean, you see a lot of-- I don't know. I'm happy that anyone is taking a good stance. Yeah, like, being free and being open. Yeah, and anyone advocating for the right thing is good. But sometimes it feels like they're doing it because they don't have another identity. Yeah. Sometimes it's-- Oh, you think they don't know themselves? Yeah. It's like as a person that don't really know themselves, real. Yeah. That would be cool man to drive by in, like, an ice cream truck. Start screaming that at chicks. You don't even know yourself. Look at him work, girl. It works. One of them's like, uh-huh. If we did that in, like, we had, like, some sad music playing in the background. I don't know if we should yell it. We should be like, hey, honey. OK, so sad music, and we're just megaphone lightly talking to these women. You don't know yourself. Hey, girl, you, uh, call your dad. He's an idiot, but he may as well. I'll be driving, like, 10 miles an hour. Everyone behind us beeping, you can't even hear what we're saying. We have a bunch of delivery drivers pissed at us. We think we're changing the world, dude. No one can even hear us. Yeah. That stuff just pisses me off, though, dude. Because I can't even imagine, man, just, like, getting whatever you want, whatever you want. I know. You know, like, that's got to be so boring. It's like, yeah, I didn't grow up with money. The thing that pisses me off even more is when rich people don't acknowledge it. Like, if you're rich, I respect a guy that's, like, yeah, I'm loaded. And he's very open with the money and he's giving shit out. Yeah. I hate a rich guy that's, like, great. You got to talk us? Here's my Venmo. Send me $8. Yeah. That's the worst guy ever. Yeah, he's hiding it, dude. He's hiding it, you know. And then when you bring it up to him, he's like, no. My dad worked hard. Yeah. That's one thing I don't get about, like, rich people who have families, they're like, oh, I want my family to inherit my wealth. It's like, if I had kids, I wouldn't want to just, like, give them everything. Yeah, they don't know what the value is. I feel like Hollywood actors, like, their kids are so fucked up because they just, like, get anything. Yeah. That didn't mean five with, like, a fucking squirt gun that can, like, penetrate skin. [LAUGHTER] You got your squirt gun making penetrates skin. Yeah. Like, a fucking, like, a Nerf gun that just fucking has, like, 60 rounds. You're, like, this kid's gardener just fits your real life. Just fucking murdering flowers, dude. Like, imagine that, though, dude. Like, what do you think you would get, though? Like, you inherited, like, a huge amount of fucking-- If I was, like, a little rich fucker? Yeah, like, if your family inherited, like, a huge amount of money. And they were just, like, listen, here's your sum, dude. I think-- you know what I thought was always sick, bro, in cribs, MTV cribs. Yeah. When they had a slide in the house, brother. Yeah. Slide in the house got so hard. Yeah, you got to, like, WD-40, that thing, though. Oh, yeah. Keep it nice, dude. Yeah, you can't be scraping your-- You're going to maintain that thing, dude. Yeah, you could probably get a creepy guy that knows slides. Name a few bucks an hour, dude. Come on, make it maintenance. Because, you know, you would never be depressed, ever. Did you get upset, or, like, another day, I might kill myself. And then you're like, whee! Yeah. To breakfast? You don't think that would get old? No. That's not something you've been on a slide. That's a question, dude. I think if you and I went on a slide right now, dude, we'd have a fucking good time. Yeah, dude. Slalom style. Dude, we used to hang out on fucking playgrounds when I would get stoned. Yeah, high school? Not in a creepy way, but-- Yeah, yeah, after the sun was down. That's the best. Late at night, dude. Yeah. Early weed, when you're, like, in a playground and you lay back and you look at this guy, I mean, what's cool isn't that? Yeah, I don't think I've ever looked at the star of stone, but-- Really? I've gone down a slide, though, of stone. Do you grew up here, like, where you can't really see the stars for real? No. Who'd you grew up? And the fucking jungle, dude. I don't even have a family, dude. You're born in the wind, bro. I just came out of the woods one day, dude. Yeah, just hitchhiked here. I learned English through AC/DC songs. Yeah, man. No, where I'm from, there's pretty fucking six stars, dude. Where are you from? Rhode Island. Yeah, that's out. Let's go to the ocean, dude. Just all you do, you just smell a pussy and look up at the stars, dude. [LAUGHTER] You know? That's all you can ask for. That sounds gorgeous. What a way to spend an evening. Oh my god, dude. There's nothing better than that, man. To do the stars are wild, though, bro. If you're actually looking them. Yeah. If you're in a place without, like, pollution, it's incredible. Yeah, because everyone's always looking down. No one's ever looking up. What? Fuck, yeah, dude. That rules. Yeah. You believe in aliens? Every time I look at the stars, I go. It's got to be something out there. Yeah, I think so, yeah. I think they're just so far away, you know? Yeah, but then our government every year is, like, we got UFOs. Yeah, they probably just found, like, a lesbian who, like, quit super, 'cause she's like, "I'm not an alien." Yeah, she fell in, like, a sewer or something. Your skin's green. And they're like, "We're humans." And she's like, "I know." Yeah, those people are so far removed from everything, dude. Wait, whoa, lesbians that have been in a sewer? [LAUGHTER] Yeah, I guess if you realize they're in a sewer, you-- It's like, dude, fucking get a grip. Get a grip. Get a sewer lady. Come on, kids are hungry. [LAUGHTER] You got several pets, I imagine. Yeah, dude. I love that video. Have you seen the video with, like, the lesbians, like, high-five and over the sports camp? Oh, dude, the best. What do they have five in the map? There's an 11 room, dude. It's, like, two fat lesbians with, like, super-cuts haircuts. [LAUGHTER] They're watching, like, the FIFA World Cup. Uh-huh. They're just like, "Yeah." But it's, like, a meme about, like, when lesbians find out there's a new, like, a new haircut for kids. [LAUGHTER] That's the fucking best, man. Have you ever hung out with, like, any braver lesbians? It's, like, it's just, like, hanging out, like this. For real? 100%. You got boys out there? Yeah, I mean-- Yeah, like, homies. Yeah, I remember I-- in college, I would get a haircut at this place. It was, like, my two ladies. Uh-huh. They'd always have the game on. And we were just hanging out in there. Really? And they would have beers. Supercuts? No, no. It was, like, called, like, Bulldog haircuts or something. Oh, wow. Yeah. That fucking lines up, dude. Yeah, dude. It was, they were so cool. We hung out. Yeah. And it was when Gangnam Style had come out. And these girls love Gangnam Style, right? Really? That's a banger, dude. On repeat. Yeah. All day. All day. Fuck, man. It was pretty sick. I feel like lesbians are always kind of, like, angry. Yeah. You know, like, they're just, like, mad at me. And it's, like, I didn't fucking do anything, you know? You've had repeated renance. I don't think I've ever been confronted by a lesbian. Maybe when I was working for Amazon. Yeah. This fucking lesbian came outside and, like, took the package I delivered and, like, threw it at the other house. What? She was, like, this is in our fucking house. And I was, like, you're fucking-- What? Why was she mad at you? I think she was mad at the world, man. Yeah. She had a flag outside and shit. So anyone with a flag, you kind of know they're upset. Any flag. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, if you're dropping money on flags, dude-- [LAUGHTER] I don't know what to tell you. You know what I mean? Yeah. Look at the inside of your house. Yeah, what the fuck is a flag going to do, man? There's wasting money, dude. Yeah. Like, that's a super-cut haircut right there, dude. [LAUGHTER] You can just let that money do an egg better haircut. What are we doing, you know? Yeah, I think any flag that you're trying to-- every time I see, like, a specialty license plate to it, I'm like, what are we doing here? Yeah, it's like you want, you know? I mean, I support the troops, too, dude. But some of them just like-- would you go to, like, an outlet or something, dude? Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Most, like, true war veterans, maybe they'll have, like, a hat from when they served and shit. Yeah. Some of these dudes went on, like, fucking Etsy and just went ham. The funniest is when a guy has nothing to do. It's the military. And he's just, like, a fan of it. Yeah. And he's, like, got all the stuff. Like, he'll get it from the surplus store. Yeah, he's decked out. He's decked out. Those are the guys that go hardest for it. And then you go, like, where did you serve? And they're, like, nah, man, I just support. Yeah, it works like a dude who's in, like, the reserves. He just fills, like, he just fills tanks with oil. Yeah. And if Bush came to shove and he got called up, he'd be horrified. He'd be freaking out. Yeah. I used to live across the road from, like, a green beret, dude. What? He just was, like, he never talked about it and shit. Of course. You could see in his eyes, bro. Like, if you fuck with this guy-- Yeah, it's-- You wouldn't even have time to, like, think. No, I think those guys' brains compute. Analyze things at a different level. He was, like, a former, like, Navy SEAL and Greenberry. Yeah, I even know that was possible. What was he-- he was in Desert Storm or something? I don't know, man. Like, he was in the Army and the Navy, which is crazy. I didn't even think he could do that. Yeah, yes, yes. Unless he was lying. [LAUGHTER] He just has PTSD from, like, a car crash. I mean, it's, like-- Yeah, it's a new way. He got-- dude, he got, like, a hand job from a lesbian. Yeah, nice shell shot. Yeah, I'd like a pool party. [LAUGHTER] He's, like, I can't go to the pool. And you're, like, I probably was in, like, water combat. It's going to hand job. It's going to bad hand job by the pool. He's, like, I got to learn the ways. [LAUGHTER] Why does Marty ever come to the pool? And we all go, he's, like, yeah, his wife's, like, hey, he's PTSD. And you're, like, oh my god, he's probably-- Oh, shit. Probably in the ship back there. You think you could fucking-- dude, you think you could turn a lesbian around, bring her to the dark side? I feel like, dude, I feel like that'd be kind of sick. That'll be hard. I'm going to be honest, bro, I've seen a few pornos. Yeah, where that happens? Yeah, it's like some dude's sister who's, like, eating box. And he's, like, I know it's not really you. [LAUGHTER] That's crazy, because not only are you changing this girl's sexuality, you haven't seen me your sister. [LAUGHTER] It's like, why don't you just set a sex with the lesbian that's not your sister? I've never thought of it that way. It's just crazy. You doubled that. You doubled it on the cakes. That's a whole different ball game. Yeah, dude. What is specific? Where are you giving these videos? Dude, I'll send it to you after this. [LAUGHTER] It's a fucking great video, dude. So what is it? She's got, like, the backwards hat and everything. Yeah. But it's, like, unrealistic, like you know. Yeah. It would be like if Angelina Jolie was wearing, like, a fucking one piece and, like, had cornrows. That sounds like a-- Honestly. That sounds like an Oscar-winning role. Yeah, that sounds fucking awesome. Yeah, I want her to be mean to me. Yeah, that reminds me of, like, fucking the baseball movie. Yeah. Sandlot? Sandlot, yeah, with the lifeguard. Yeah, oh, yeah. Dude, that's the best scene ever. That is the best scene ever. Smalls. He fixed it. He fixed it. He's drowning. Yeah. And then when she's giving her mouth to mouth, he gives everybody a wink. Yeah, and then she's like, fuck the fuck. Yeah. And then because he slips her tongue. Yeah. He gives a wink, and then he goes, legend, dude. One of the best scenes of all time. You think that changed him? Like, you think that changed the trajectory of his life? Probably, because they do, like, at the end of the movie, don't they go, like, and Smalls went on to bang that lifeguard. Bro, really? In the credits? Yeah, or no, no, no, at the end, because it's-- who's the best kid on the team, the best player? Yeah, he's telling the story. Yeah, or the-- he's, like, pitching for the Cubs or something like that, or he's, like, hitting for the Cubs. And then they go through all the people and where they're at now. Yeah, I forgot about that. I think Smalls married. This is the lifeguard. Oh, shit. Yeah, dude. I think it did change the trajectory. Dude, I was thinking about, like, all those hot actors be still growing up, like, where they are now. Yeah. I feel like a lot of them just had, like, one-time roles. Yeah. Yeah, I think they had a few, good years. Like, who, who, who, anyone's listening? Took a lot of one-and-duns, man, that you just, like, I don't even remember their names, you know? Like, that chick. I never saw that chick again, dude. No, I say I'm that girl. You know? No, I don't even know. Dude, there's that one chick from-- what's a child-a-buff movie, dude, with the neighbor? Oh, Disturbio, dude. Disturbio, dude. I don't even know. What was-- I can't even picture that girl. I don't even-- she's so hot, though, dude. That made the whole movie, you know? You know how to crush on Brenda's song from Disney Channel? The Asian girl in Sweet Life is Zach and Cody. She's Asian? Yeah. There's two girls in that. Yeah. There's Ashley Tisdale, the white girl. And then there's Brenda's song. The Asian girl, who is-- Why can't I remember her, dude? Probably because she's Asian. Yeah, dude, just can't come on, man. Oh, man, I have to-- honestly, dude, the sweet leg of Zach and Cody kind of threw me off a little bit. You know what I did? I felt like a little gay watching it. I enjoyed it. I just felt like kind of gay watching it. Why is that? I don't know, it was just two dudes, you know? They're twins. They don't really have a home. They're just kind of like in a hotel, you know? The only gay part I'm getting right now is those two dudes. Oh, and the hotel's kind of gay, yeah. Yeah. But Ashley Tisdale-- She's hot. Yeah. Yeah, Hillary Duff was cute. Yeah, dude. Hillary Duff was literally like my wife, dude. Prudetite. I thought about her every day, man. Yeah. She was in that movie. I was like the song or something. Yeah, yeah. She goes like some singing camp. Yes. Oh, yeah. Camp Rock. No, that's not her. No. I think it's literally just called the song. Oh, OK, wait. Something like that. But the Hillary Duff movie, dude. That was like-- Yeah. Oh, where I'm at? Oh, my god. Her and Ashley Tisdale. Yeah, it does for your girls. Yeah. Now, what about Zoey when I won? Dude, I don't even think I watched Zoey when I won. I'm not a team neck guy. I watched that Carly, dude. Ah, I Carly was the best. Yeah, I kind of-- I think it was like Channel 34, 35. I was just like Nickelodeon and Disney Channel. It was definitely more of like a Nickelodeon guy. Oh, yeah. They like SpongeBob and shit, dude. SpongeBob's the best. Because they could watch SpongeBob today and be like, that's the fucking best. I literally watched it maybe last week. Really? Yeah, oh, yeah. I think they've been making like new SpongeBob movies, dude. And it's like, what are you guys doing? I can't keep-- they have the old ones are great. You don't even need more. Yeah, the original was fucking awesome, dude. Yeah, the original SpongeBob movie, I remember I went. And the hardest I've ever left in theater, ever. Dude is the best. When Patrick has the fish nets on at the end. That's the hardest ever. That's the hardest I've ever. Yeah, sweet victory, dude. Just in like one of the regular episodes. Yeah. Oh my god. It's insane. Yeah. You think we should do SpongeBob and Patrick for Halloween? Who, I mean, if I get to play, I think I would be Patrick though, right? Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it. Be sick, dude. Yeah, I'm down, man. What's your craziest Halloween costume ever, Dan? Dude, I dressed up as a baby. So I got an adult diaper from a CVS, a baby costume. And I went to school in Providence, Rhode Island, dude. And they were like, they were like, yeah, we're throwing this banger in the middle of the city. It's a blog party or whatever. So I'm like, dude, I'm like eight beers deep. I'm hammered, dude. I look like a baby. So like my friends and I, we walked to the blog party and like, I go in before all of them. And dude, I fucking-- I'm in there for like maybe five minutes and I'm like, dude, there's all guys here. And they're all like half naked. And I found out it was like a gay party. It was a gay blog party. So we were at the wrong party. And I was like, dude, I just spent like 35 bucks to get in here. Oh, no. And like, dude, all these dudes were all over me, bro. Yeah, you look like a hot drunk baby. Yeah. Dang. We dipped. You know, we were just at the wrong blog party, man. I wish you were gay. That would have been such a fun night for you. I know, dude. I fucking crushed it, man, honestly. Yeah. They were all over me, dude. That's nuts. Guys took me off and shit. Weren? Yeah. I got jerked off like six times. Whoa. Yeah. You were extra dehydrated. Apieres deep, man. I know, dude. I just kept going, though. Bust it six times. God, dawg. Yeah, dude. What I hang over to that much, dude? Well, well-banging action, dude. [LAUGHTER] You know? Oh, God, dude. Makes you feel good, man. It does. Yeah, being arrested after like that was-- She's being wanted by someone, dude. Oh, yeah, dude. You know? There's a show in Atlanta where I started. Instead of gay bar, it was such a fun show. Remember, one time we went, we stayed for a while after we were getting drunk. And never really experienced this before that, but older gay guy came over, gave me his number. And I never had a girl do that before, you know? And he was just such a gentleman about it. And I was like, that's so classy. I wish I was gay. I just loved it. Because all you're thinking about is like, if a woman did that, you know? Oh, my God. You're like, oh, my God, man. Can't even imagine. You know how I would be floating the rest of the day. I'd just be so excited. Dude, I went to fucking P-town. You ever heard of P-town? Probably. It's like a town in the Cape. No. It's all gay, dude. Word? Yeah, it's the gayest place ever. That sounds cool, bro. Factually, man. It was pretty chill, man. Yeah, they're probably all hanging out by the water. Yeah, there's like no cars, man. It's just like this, like-- What? Yeah, man. Golf cart city? Yeah, I'm trying to compare it to a place around here, man. You know? Because like, you can't really drive. Because everyone's like walking on the road and stuff. Yeah. There's like a bunch of small shops and everything's crowded, but it's just dudes. Skate dudes. That's tight. Yeah. Kitchy stuff. And I was like younger, dude. And like, I was with my mom and she brought her a friend who was a guy. And I had no idea that this dude was gay. Yeah. Until she told me afterwards. Wow. So we were like there for him. And I never knew. Oh, really? Yeah, I was sleeping in the same hotel room as him, too. So. Pretty cool. Yeah. No, he was like a-- he was an old-school gay, though. Like he wasn't like flamboyant. He was just like, man. Oh, well, he had the gay old-school gay, dude. Yeah, old-school gays, because they never got to be themselves. Yeah, they're still like a little closeted. Yeah, they're still-- and they don't-- they look at like young gays like these fucking gays. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's very funny to see-- because they'll be more conservative than like younger conservative people about that kind of stuff, where they're like, you should be gay, but in the house and lights are up and the windows are closed. Yeah. I am curious as to like where the voice comes from, though. Like the modern-day gay voice. Yeah. And someone was like, yeah, it's just like when you just let it all out. [LAUGHTER] That's what you sound like. That's pretty nice. I mean, that, dude, that's wild, man. If I let it all out, dude, there's no way I'm-- You let it out. Your version of letting it all out is just like a Vietnamese woman. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. My name is Danny. [LAUGHTER] You're like, whoa, what's going on, man? And you're like, just being myself, man. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. It's like a North Korean, like, laborer. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Whoa, that's who he was inside. That's pretty cool. Blow up like a cargo ship, dude. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, that's what he wanted. That's how he started being himself. What do you think, like, you would send-- if you, like-- because I'm talking about, like, you know, like those cult-like rituals, where they're just, like, let it all out, dude. Like, wave your arms everywhere and just start screaming. Yeah, doing, like, ayahuasca? Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Like, like, like, just run free, like, what do you think you would sound like, dude? I don't know. It's not-- hopefully something cool, maybe, like, a prospector, bro. [LAUGHTER] I don't like this! [LAUGHTER] Hey, I'm showing you how to hang an eye on a drink of smart water. And you just start dropping an inbox. [LAUGHTER] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't get mad. He's been himself. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] That'd be so funny. How are you doing? [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] If you ran into, like, an H&R block, dude, you started dropping an inbox. [LAUGHTER] That's somebody helping a young prospect doing these taxes, won't you? [LAUGHTER] Dude, I think that's why we were, like, not as stressed out, though, when we were younger, because it was like-- Yeah, it was being yourself. You were always just, like, letting it loose, you know, like, doing random shit, and, like, nobody's, like, down to do that stuff anymore, you know what I mean? Yeah, and I think comedy's a good outlet for that, you just be yourself. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. It's like a '95 guy who just goes into an office every day, and you see that pan in his eyes, you know? Yeah, it's crazy, dude. Yeah, and you riff with these guys, and to them, it's, like, the craziest thing ever. You know, you make one of those guys laugh, and they're like, "It comes out of them, it's kind of scary." You make one weather joke, dude. Oh, I did. Oh, my God, bro. It's crazy. You know, if it's, like, cold down, you're, like, sunny in '75, like, they're just dying loud. You're gonna play your pants now, and you're, like, bad. Yeah, you're wife's cheating on you, like, "It's wild, man." I have to tell you, sir, he was getting a backbone out. I feel like I've been, like, almost, like, disrespecting those guys, though, man. Yeah. Because I just don't have, like, the time, you know? Yeah. So I don't have time for this, man, you know? Yeah. Like, I know what you're gonna say about the weather, you know? Yeah. You just cutting them off? What do you mean to suspect them? We're just, like, not giving them, like, the empathy that they deserve, you know? Yeah. They deserve it so funny. Like, you know you deserve empathy, but you're not giving it to them. They're always just saying boring shit, it's like, you can't tell them they're boring, you know what I mean? Yeah. So then they kind of see it in your eyes that you're, like, not interested in talking. Yes. And then they're like, "Oh, fuck that guy, dude." Yeah. And it's also, uh, it's also, when you've been the funny guy once, and they want you to do it again, or they come to you for that, and you're like, "Nah, I'm trying to get through the day." They go, "Yeah." Is that, like, what your role is kind of? Every office I've been at is usually I'm just there for a little bit of levity. What type of jokes are you cracking, though, dude? Go ahead, roll the tape, have tape for you. Thank you. I don't know. I'm just silly. I'm good in the slack. What does that mean? The slack? The, you know, the, like, some offices do, like, outlook, or, like, you know, like, a group chatting thing? Oh, and it's a message thing? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm throwing gifts in there. For real? There's a number of details, too, like, you know, somebody, somebody will tell me, like, "Oh, they don't eat fish. They're grossed out by it." And then somebody, months later, I went on a fishing trip, like, "Don't we show a carol?" Oh, shit. And then, you know... You're doing callbacks. I'm doing callbacks. Damn, dude. Yeah. I'm doing... Do you have any memes in your collection? Yeah. I'll throw some memes out there. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Another hit, always fun. You on a Zoom call with somebody? Yeah. Screenshot their window, so, like, I'll screenshot you, and then I'll put that as the background. And you don't say anything. And all the time, right? Oh, shit. It's always getting left. Damn. Yeah, dude. I'll do... And people respect it when you do it to higher up, so I'll do it to see you. Oh, well, do you think it's a conference thing? Like, you just got to be, like, confident with it? I think so. Because if you're, like, panting, sweating, you're panicking, and then you do it and then you undo it right away. You're like, what? Yeah. No, I think it's a confidence thing, for sure. Yeah. You ever have, like, any random thoughts, though? You get kind of bored with that shit, and you're, like, spice it up a little bit. Let's... Yeah, I'll throw a filter in there. Sunglass filter. And I'll do random shit, like, I'll do, like, Pikachu. Yeah. You know? Yeah, man. One time, dude, I, like, I work for a mortgage company, and they took me into this conference room, and they were, like, showing me how the sales dudes make calls. Some of these dudes are, like, making live calls to, like, like, brokerage firms and shit. Yeah. And it's just, like, the gay-ish shit ever. They're, like, "Hey, what's up? My name's, like, so-and-so. I'm calling from so-and-so." Yeah. I'm trying to sell you so-and-so. Yeah. And all I could think was, like, dude, just going up to, like, one of their ears, like, while they're on their phone, and just screaming, like, "Vajana, dude." Yeah. Like... Help! And that's, like, what my thoughts are, man. I hear that. That would be awesome. In the office. Yeah. This thing, and you're, like... Yeah. Come back to bed. Stop. You're working so hard. Yeah. It did, like, a little orgasm sound. Oh. I did that for a while, man. Like, it got people pissed off. What? It worked. You were doing that? Just in general, like, in day-to-day life. Oh, like, somebody's on the... I would sneak up behind people and just be, like, "Oh." Then they would see me and be, like, "Dude, you don't, you never fucking talk to us." You're just doing the bus, Sam. That's all you have, man. That's what you have is the bus. Yeah. But whatever, dude. Switch it up. You do a guy busing. Yeah. I feel like it's got to be, like, organic, though. You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't think you can force it. Yeah. That has to do some research, man. You got to... You got to... You know what I used to do, dude, with my Asian friend? Uh-huh. We would hop in his Mazda, and we would get super stoned. Uh-huh. And we would go through the McDonald's drive-through, and you get a subwoofer system, and we would just play hardcore porn, and you would just keep a straight face, dude. So you go up to the window, and they go, "How do I help you?" Yeah. And then you just point... Or it's playing while we're ordering. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. And I've been thinking about doing that, like, one more time. Yeah. You got to... The floor pass away. I think you should do it at least once. That would be cool to do as, like, an 80-year-old. Ah, buddy. Dude. The stuff you can get away with, if you're, like, visibly older, is awesome. I... There's... When I was a kid, I was at the library one time. Yeah. And, um... He was in the computer section, this old guy with the ponytail cam. He pulled out one of those old Acer laptops. Yeah. The other one's with the clit on it. Clit. It's got... Instead of, like, the trackpad, it had this little thing that you move the mouse, and it literally looked like a clit. For real? Yeah. It's, like, a rubber thing in the center of the thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And see, hit one of those. Pulls it out. Starts watching porn. Loud? Yeah. No headphones. Maybe doing this for, like, maybe a minute. No headphones? And I was so excited. Yeah. Because I hadn't really seen it yet. Yeah. So, I was, like, trying to get a peek of it, and I kept seeing. And he couldn't care that I was there, or anyone else was there, and then someone ran out. Like, a minute later, two librarians came in, and they were, like, "Ron, we told you to stop. This is your third and final warning." Yeah. And then... People are, like, freaking out. And he's, like, "I'm sorry, guys. It's just so much fun." Dude. Dude, this was in, this was down south, dude. Yeah. Oh, man. It was in his defense, and it's fun. Yeah. But you can't be doing it. Dude, that guy's for sure a sex offender now. Yeah. I mean, you certainly... You ever follow up with him, dude? No. I wish I knew what Ronald's up to. Ron, if you're a fan of the Johnny Slobby Bud, please blink the line. Yeah. Shout out, Ron, dude. I'll be doing all right, man. Yeah. That's great. Bro, no headphones. Just pulling it out. Yeah. And, you know, they said it was his third and final warning, so he's done this. Yeah, dude. Twice before. He's coming back, dude. And so clearly, he doesn't have Wi-Fi at the crib. Yeah. He's pulled up the Wi-Fi. Right. Just to get his rocks off, dude. Do you think it's a Wi-Fi issue, or do you think he's just, like, living for the thrill of it? You know, he's, like, he doesn't have much going on. Yeah. You know what? You're probably right. 'Cause that's got to be a thrill, dude. But it's probably, like, the wife's gone. Was he, like, straight-faced? Do you think he, like, actually, like, felt something? I don't know. 'Cause he wasn't, like, he didn't even touch himself, or even get, get, get to that point. He just put the laptop down, and he opened it, and he, to the old guy thing where they type like this, like, you know, like, they have the glasses here and they're typing, like, above. And he was literally just, like, looking it up, and then a video started going on, like, probably 30 seconds later. Yeah. Somebody was in there. And it was an old, though. He kind of sounds like a legend, man. He was actually, that's why I didn't feel scared. You know, as a kid, you don't even know with something else that you can feel, like, threatened by it. Yeah. If it was, like, a dude who looked like fucking Steven Seagal. Yeah, kind of. I didn't fucking sprint out, but, like, missing a nine-year-old guy, he just, like, doesn't know where he is. You know what I mean? Yeah, he looked like he was wearing, like, a white shirt and a sweater vest, and some khakis. He didn't look threatening. He didn't have a trench coat on. There's no vibe of, like, he's going to, like, he's something. Did you feel, like, any, like, trauma, like, you felt, like, maybe he was, like, traumatized at all? No. Trauma from him or trauma in that moment? Like, did you feel like he was, like, dealing with some trauma or, like, you know? I think he was just straight up straight up. Horny. Yeah. He's a legend then, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't see a lot of, like, him trying to run away from something, though. Yeah. Because, dude, I've seen, like, old people make mistakes before. Yeah. And there's, like, nonchalant about it, but it's, like, dude, when I'm old, if I fuck something up, dude, I'm just, like, taking it out on everyone. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, what, what do you mean? Because, like, dude, a lot of old people get, like, scammed nowadays. Oh, yeah. They're super gullible, especially with, like, finance scams, dude. Hey, I used to work at a bank in this guy. This guy comes in. He's, like, fucking 80 years old. Yeah. And he's, like, my son's in jail. I have to wire money to get him out. Yeah. And I'm, like, dude, your son's not in jail. Yeah. He's fine. He's a scam. And he's, like, no. I need you to send the money. And I was, like, I'm not sending the money. And he was, like, let me talk to your manager. I'm, like, all right, fine. Yeah. Talks my manager. My manager, like, dude, don't send the money. Like, he's not. Yeah. And he wouldn't listen to us. He was, like, you're sending the money. I'll deal with the repercussions or whatever. What? This guy's like, old as fuck. Like, he doesn't even know where he is. Oh, no, dude. Dude, so I send the money. I wire the money. It's, like, legitimately $30,000. I send a legit wire transfer. This guy comes in fucking, like, two weeks later and just don't, like, he's life's over. And he's, like, freaking out. He's, like, he's, like, that's all the money I had for retirement. Oh, my God. I'm, like, dude, we told you, he's, like, I know you guys told me, but it's, like, dude, if I got scammed like that, like, I'm driving through something. Yeah. I'm buying a, like, all your life savings is gone. So he didn't, he didn't think to call his son, like, why he not just pick up the phone and be like, because he thought his son was in jail and didn't have access to a phone. So this guy is, like, talking to me, like, hey, listen, like, if you want to see your son again, also what, you know how insane a crime, you have to commit for your bail to be 30 K. Yeah, you have to like blow something up for your bail to be said at 30 K. Yeah, I don't even know, man. I just felt like, like, I felt bad, but it was like, he just kept like insisting on him. He was like, we got a son 30. He's fucking scammers are good, dude. That's not a bad scam, though. No, that's a smart scam, especially if you can find an old person with a son with it and a son who has maybe some history of being alone, badass little guy. Well, you, how do you scare my old person, bro? How would I? Yeah. Let's say you only had to get too careful of somebody. Dude, I'd probably go back to, like, my, uh, my childhood neighborhood. Just start like knocking on old people's doors, who I used to hate. Yeah. Yeah. And I think I would just sell, I would sell them, like, uh, I would tell them I work for a construction company to see if they were looking to get some work done. Oh, okay. That's more. And then I'd be like, Hey, listen, like you got to put a deposit down of like five K so I can like buy the materials and shit. Yeah. And then I would just fucking drive through their house, dude. With the car? You know, confusing that would be why even do that? Because, dude, then I would drive through their house and then I would use the money that they gave me to like fix the shit they would be, they would be so confused. Uh huh. The day would just pass away. So not only did you not net the money, you just killed old people and did some construction. I wouldn't kill them, dude. I would just do enough damage to like keep them alive, but like keep them confused. I was just telling them it's a demolition. It's just drive like a Honda Odyssey through their house at like two in the morning. It'd be funny to like go over there and be like, Hey, we found like oil under your house and we'll give you some money to get out of here and we're going to have to demo it and they're like, Oh, okay. And then you do the demo with a car and you just keep driving into the house. They're like, okay, we'll be out of here. You keep going around the block. We have to get our stuff out and you're like, yeah, sure. Why is guns and roses playing? It's like I spoke in a big cigar, well, why does that guy have a boner? Come here. I've always thought about that though, like I think if I'm going to go out, like if I know I'm going to pass away, yeah, and I have like a bucket list, dude, like number one is going to be driving through a house. Yeah. Ever since I saw a Talladega night, dude, oh, that was a good scene. So that that put it in your head that you're like, let me do that because like everybody was always like, dude, if you drive through a house, you're not going to make it through the house, but that gave me hope that you could do it. You could do it. Like, dude, it's funny driving into a house for driving through a house like keeping your foot on the gas and all the way through the funniest part of that and then just different. Yeah. You can leave. You've gone through the house. Yeah. The funniest part of that is the aftermath where you're looking at the house and like two halves of it looked totally normal and then through the middle, it's just chaos and like tire marks. Yeah. There's something so funny though about like not giving up on the pedal. Dude, I got a car accident once. I was with like my friend and his dad and dude, he had like a little sister, bro, they picked me up from like a college to like go grab some food or whatever just to like catch up dude. And we're like literally at a stop sign. This fucking car behind us fucking reruns us, dude, and I was like, holy shit, fucking like snaps my neck, dude, and this lady for some reason just kept her foot on the pedal. Like just pushing you up. Yeah. And then we turn around and it's like some fucking fat mom with like her fat kid and we're like, what the fuck's like? This isn't like we thought it was like a gang bang or something. Yeah. You know, like we're about to get like fucking shot up or like Robin King or something, but yeah, I guess this lady was just like, yeah, I was so scared. Like I couldn't take my foot off the pedal. Oh, so you guys by accident and then just kept her foot there? I have no idea. Dude, she literally like just wasn't paying attention to the point where like she rear ended us full speed. Like we were completely out of stop, but dude, the randomness of it was funny because it was like this woman rear ended us for no like we're at a complete stop. There's no there's no distractions for reruns us. And then just keeps her foot on the gas and didn't get out of the car. Like the cops came and like, like they told us like they were like, she's so scared. She's like, uh, she won't get out of the car. Oh, no. Yeah. We're just one of those things. Change information and get the fuck out. Damn. Yeah. So she was just freaking out back there. That's more fun, bro, but I was kind of trying not to laugh when she had her foot on the gas. No, that's because like, I'm like, I'm like, yeah, what the fuck's going on? Yeah. I mean, like, you're like, dude, what the fuck that's just funny, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's funny to be here and then all of the little versions of her in her head are like, yeah, I don't know. Yeah. It's like someone farting at a funeral. You're like, dude, don't fucking laugh right now. You know? Well, it's also funny for you because you have nothing. You don't have to deal with their repercussions of the car. Yeah. You just got to see this lady for you. It was funny to do that. It was actually a rental car, too. Oh, yeah. The rental company is what the fuck? Yeah. It sounds like something you'd make up to some ladies fucking rear ended us and wouldn't like stop and wouldn't stop. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think I've ever been here ended like that. Yeah. You, like, how do you, like, why did you see a girl up in Georgia like your whole life? No, I was born in India. We lived in outside. We moved to Chicago when I was a seven, seven years old and like outside of Chicago and then we moved to Georgia when I was in high school. Why'd you move? My dad. Really? Software job. Yeah. We've been all over the place. Yeah. Like did you get bullied a lot like growing up or no? Yeah. I bullied a little bit. Really tiny and I wanted to play sports and, you know, it just comes with the territory. You know, I'm getting bullied a little bit. Did you try? Yeah. I was good. Eventually I played football and high school and stuff like middle school and high school and grew and then you can just be buff in high school football and height won't matter until a certain point. So eventually it was fine. Like in high school, I was socially more adept and all that stuff. But for a while, I was just a little tiny, awkward guy. Yeah. Did you get upset with like bigger dudes like you get like a little like short man syndrome or like? No, you know what happened was the neighborhood we grew up in outside of Chicago was like all black Mexican kids and the currency, social currency was making fun of people. I think you're going to say tacos, what's a that's a beef, right? Mexicans and blacks. They fucking ate each other, right? Yeah, probably in certain neighborhoods in ours. Everyone was pretty, you know, getting, getting along. Yeah. I know some homies, dude, who when they see a taco stand, dude, they're fucking pissed. Yeah. They don't like that. Yeah. They go. They go like that. Yeah. Damn, dude. It's like a real beef, dude. Yeah. I don't believe me, dude. Just get a Costco membership, dude. They're there. You'll see all the beef, man. He'll see all the carneas at it. See a lot of shit, man. Yeah. I don't know. For us, we were also like kids, you know, like in middle school stuff. Yeah. The social currency was carneas at it and but yeah, it was just kind of making fun of people. And then I just started to do that and be funny and then eventually I made a lot more friends. When you played football, did you like, does that like a stress reliever for you? Yeah. For sure. And I also just loved watching it and so then playing it and I was like, well, yeah. Yeah. And I've been dealing with that shit for a long time, dude, because like when you play sports and stuff, yeah, you can like legally like assault someone. Yes. And I can't do that anymore, dude, so whenever I get mad, I'm just like, I mean, the gym helps do, but at a certain point you're like, dude, I want to fucking punch them on the face. You know? Yeah. The good thing about like football rugby, it's like legalized violence. Yeah, man. You just feel so good afterwards and like that feeling like you, you know, like you're never going to have that again. Mm hmm. Why don't you play rugby now that like a league around here or something? Uh, no, because I would, I would get hurt, dude. Yeah. You know, I'm already like fucking sore as fuck all the time. Banged up. Because I go to the gym every day, dude, I'm like, never taking breaks and like my body is like already taking a toll. Wow, wow. It's like a break. Yeah. But I'm not even scared of that, dude. Like I'm not scared of getting hurt. I'm just scared of like getting my fucking head. Yeah. Fucked, you know? Yeah. You don't want to get some of those guys that keep playing and you're like, dude, holy shit. They like to get stuff. I had a coach who would like forget stuff all the time and I know you should have like fucking mush brain. Yeah. And talking to them, you go, you're like processing things like like a window's vista. Yeah. It's really sad, man. Yeah. About like NFL and shit too. I know, dude. It makes you go like every time I see one of those guys that retires and it's like very sharp on camera now. Yeah. And they're like doing the post game stuff. I go, wow, either it hasn't clicked in yet or you didn't get hit for yeah, because this isn't an album. You know, like Luke Keekley. Yeah. Who would happen to the Panthers, dude? Yeah. Dude, I remember him getting a concussion like in a game. Yep. And they weren't supposed to show it, but they showed him on the card in card off, bro. And he's like in tears and he just like doesn't know where he is. Oh, God. That was like, holy fuck, man. Yeah. He was like, I'm fucking done with this, dude. Yeah. You know? Yeah. He's like, he was like such a smart player, dude. Like he was like, you know, they do like NFL top 100. Yeah. Like every single team was just like talking about how he like knew the plays before they even came. Wow. He's just like such a smart player, dude. And just to think about the fact that like, if he kept playing, he probably just would have fucking like skyrocketed, you got like fucking most brand, dude. Yeah. You know? Yeah, dude. And the crazy thing with football is like, you do have to be smart to play it like out of all the games, there's the most pre game stuff you need to do. Like baseball basketball, they're not like looking at the other teams playbook and watching as much film. Yeah. You, there's so many coverages and reads and formations. You got to like memorize. Yeah. I think baseball and like, um, yeah, baseball and fucking basketball. I think they just get like a pre game report. Yeah. It's like, this guy does that. Yeah. And everybody kind of like knows what we're doing. Yes. But like football, dude, it's just like, there's like a, even playing Madden, you can get overwhelmed. Yeah. I'm like, what the fuck? And that's like a sliver of what actually goes into. Yeah. It's crazy, dude. And then those guys that are basically memorizing a book every time they go out there are the most susceptible to becoming. Yeah. And it's just like, I don't know, man, it's like, what do you even do? Yeah. Like you can't just, nobody's going to fucking get rid of football. It's, it's not going anywhere. Yeah. And you can't like people, they're trying to make it softer and it's like people are like, yo, fuck that. Like it's, you know, yeah, but even even like the precautions they're taking now, like you can't go helmet to helmet anymore. And do you think that actually like in the long run stops people from getting concussed? I doubt it. Like, I think you are, you know, taking that, that part of the game out, like you can't go home without it, which is good. But I think people are still getting concussions. For sure. I agree with like some, I don't agree with the quarterback shit. Yeah. But you can't even for real. Like, touch the quarterback, dude. It's like, but it's like, how are you supposed to go that fast against like a, then stop a 350 pound lineman who's like six, seven. And then once you get to the quarterback, just like slow down and they like, no, you're going to slow down and they're like fucking huge nowadays. Yeah. Like stiff arm you. And I don't get with that. But dude, if you're going up the middle, yeah, it's like, dude, fuck. I'm not a big fan. Like the whole, like if you hit someone with their fucking crown, dude, yeah, whole. Yeah. That's crazy. That's fucking wild, bro. Yeah, dude. I remember. And in high school, the rules are still loose. Because there's no instant replay and stuff, you know, you can kind of get away with murder there. Yeah. And I remember one guy. We had a really talented guy in freshman year and he was very good. And he got hit, he was running a slant down the middle of the field. And then linebacker hit him with this crown, like right here, and like lifted him up. And he never came back. I was like, there was, it was such a before and after situation. Yeah. Like before, I was fully convinced that he could go play college ball somewhere. Oh, fuck. And then he got hit so hard that he was like, now I'm going to go see what basketball is. Fuck, man. We'll be good. Let me go give that a shot. Yeah. And rugby, dude. When you do like a kickoff. Yeah. That's craziness. When the ball is in the air, like you're supposed to jump up in the air. Yeah. Because if you're in the air, no one can hit you. Like it's a rule. Oh, that's good. We're on my team, bro, and we're like, we're on a kickoff, like we're receiving, whatever. We're like telling him to jump because he's not like he's like, you can tell he doesn't know the fuck he's doing. Yeah. Make sure you fucking jump when you catch this dude. He doesn't jump and gets fucking leveled. And he just like lay in there and he's not moving. And like the ambulance came and shit and he got taken away, dude. And we were like a few days later, we're like, do what happened and shit. And he was like, dude, I was internally bleeding. Oh my God. And they were like, they were just like, he was just like, yeah, like if I moved, like if I kept playing, like I would have like passed away. Oh my God. I was like, dude, what the fuck, man? You know, how he was internally bleeding? Like his organs were fucked up. Yeah, he was like literally internally bleeding. So if he kept playing, he just would have gotten like so many blood clots and shit that he would have just fucking passed away. God damn. Yeah. That was like one of that. That wasn't like the worst thing I've seen. I saw a dude broke his, he broke his femur. And that was. Oh, that's the most pain the human body can feel. Yeah. Like dude, there's like where I went to high school, there was like the varsity was on the top field and we were on the, I was like a freshman, dude. We were on the bottom field and you could hear the femur snap, bro. And we were like, yo, did a fucking tree just fall, but this dude got so fucked up, man. He was in so much pain, bro. Oh my God. Of course. That's the thickest bone we had. Yeah, dude. How did he say he was on the varsity field and you just heard it? Yeah. Like I think he went to get, like pick the ball up and he was on both knees and then someone table topped him. So his femur fucking snapped. Dude, this kid took my fucking boss, like he lived down the road for me. And bro, he was out of school for a long time. Of course. And he got addicted to pain meds. Oh, no. And he just like fucking, I think after that he had a child and like, yeah, man, his whole life just went like, you know, whoa, dude. Cause I can't even imagine the amount of fucking, you know, shit, he was on like pain meds. Like the dose that you need. Yeah. Especially to get your femur back. Like usually it's like a back thing and you can get hooked on pain meds. Also, what year was this? Mm hmm. Like you. Oh, you think it was like during like the fucking big pharma shift? I think so. Probably, right? Yeah. Cause that shit just ended. Yeah. Like they were probably dose in a mob, dude. Yeah, there really doesn't. This is probably 2010, 2011, that was during the opioid crisis, rather. Yeah. I mean, it's still happening. But like with like Purdue farm and all that shit. Yeah. The Sacklers and the nasty work. I think they're still. I mean, dude, even like if I go to the ER now, they're going to be like, yo, do you want fucking morphine? Yeah. I'm like, no. Don't take one look at your bill. Yeah. This guy. I'm good. I love morphine. It's fucked, dude. Yeah. I bet it feels amazing that if you're like in constant pain, you take a little more. Dude, I heard it's like one of the best feelings in the world. Yeah. You probably feel like a fucking transformer, dude. Yeah. I don't know. I've never had it and I don't want to try it cause I just know I'll just be like addicted man, you know. You haven't addicted to personality. I mean, just shit like that. I can only imagine. Yeah. It's probably going to be like doing cocaine or like heroin or something. You just hooked, man. Yeah. You know? It's got to feel like, you know, like when you wake up earlier than your alarm and you're like, oh, I got another three hours slipping back into that sleep is probably what slipping into the. Yeah. Um, you feel like you're slipping into like a warm tub, you know, just like you feel like warm and safe. Yeah. A full body slipping into a vagina. Yeah. Sliding in. No, literally like a fucking human size for JJ, dude. Yeah. Just a full sleeping bag. Or maybe like a small like tree house size. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. In your resistance, you're just just like, you know, you're safe in there. You're safe in there. You feel warm. Nothing can bother you, dude. It feels like the womb probably. Yeah. When you're back. That warm feeling, dude. You just feel like nurtured. Yeah. Like you're home and you don't, you're not hungry. Somebody comes by like maybe once a week or so just to like trim the hedges, but that's it, dude. Just to trim the hedges and go him in just a new magazine. Yeah. It's so straight. You keep doing what you're doing. Yeah. Yeah. That's probably what it feels like. Yeah. Just slamming, uh, slamming oxy's. Yeah. God. It's only getting worse, dude. Yeah. It's only getting worse. Yeah. And we do get phone calls. I forgot. Oh, really? Awesome. You don't mind taking a few. Yeah. Let's take some. Let's see what we got here, dude. These are pretty retarded, by the way, so just let me know. Is it your callers? Yeah. Okay. You're like your fans. That's cool. Hey, John. I just wondered if, uh, like, have you ever been pantsed before? Like, I don't know if it's irrational or not, but I kind of have an irrational fear of being pants. Uh, I just wondered if, like, you've ever been the reciprocity and of, uh, pantsing before. Um, yeah. It's a good question, dude. That's a great question. Now, I gotta, I gotta ask, I mean, we, we can't really get in touch with this guy, right? No. I want to know. I mean, we have his phone number. So I gotta know, I want to know why he's like, does he work at a school or something? I mean, maybe he has like a small cock or something, but, you know, I mean, dude, if I wasn't like chubbed up a little bit, I would be fucking murderously scared of getting pantsed. Yeah. If I had a micro done, yeah, that would be tough, brother. Dude, I don't remember like all the details, man, but I do remember, um, when I was younger being a part of the boys and girls club community and going to summer camp there, dude, and they would take us on a trip to like the high school swimming pool. Yeah. And I remember being in, uh, the locker room with all the boys, dude. Yeah. And I remember having like a raging boner for some reason. No way. And dude, this kid pulled my pants down and I was just facing everyone, dude, rock hard, rock hard, dude. How old? It's probably like eight or nine, maybe. Oh, man. You know, I don't know what I was thinking about though, dude. And they make funny. Eight or nine's young. They did. They might not even make funny then. Yeah. No, they did. They did. But I just, dude, I always try to think like, why was I hard, dude? You know, it could have been the grass, dude. Could have been like, I mean, we went there with a few, you know, we went there with like the chicks and stuff. Mm hmm. Could have been that or dude, I could have just been gay, man. Could have been gay. Could have grown out of it. Yeah. Could be under the surface. Yeah. I just try my best, man. I'm like, why, dude? Like, why was I hard? But see, you can't be doing that because eight or not, even now I'll get a random one. Yeah. So it could have just been the horn. I was really young, though. And I was so young that I can't remember it vividly. I just remember this kid pointing at my boner, dude, and just laughing his ass off, dude. Wow. And you know what? He was kind of a sicko too, because he noticed it. Yeah. And then he pulled the pants down. Yeah. If I could go back, I'd just be like, what are you gay, dude? Yeah, you throw the Uno reverse down at that point. I think his head would have exploded for sure. Yeah. I just don't think you had the social stuff in the back. Yeah. In the equipment belt. Yeah. I didn't learn chess. Yeah. That's a chess move, dude, to get a full erection in like a boy's locker room and call everyone gay. Yeah. That is incredible. That is, yeah. That's next level shit, man. That's a, you know, truly diabolical, dude. Not at all. Yeah. He's a pawn villain, if he knew how to do that early. Oh my God, dude. You'd grow up to be some sort of, you'd be like, um, fucking Tom Hanks in the DaVinci code. Dude, you'd be cracking codes. Yeah. You'd be able to walk into any room and assess the weak points like Jason Bourne. Yeah. Yeah, dude. But that's, that's good that you didn't know how to do that. Have you ever been pants or no? I think in middle school, we had a field day and there's this guy named Connor Sullivan. I'll name grab him. He was kind of a rascal and he would be tabletop of people and pantsing people. And he pants me and then right, he was just going down the line and he pants me and then a girl. Wow. And I don't know if he realized what he was doing because it was field day, everyone had shorts on. You know, they had the gym clothes on and he pants the girl and the teachers were letting it rock when it was dudes. I thought it was funny. Is that just clear? Then he hit the girl with it and, uh, are we talking like just, uh, just to your underwear or did he pull down the underwear too? Um, I mean, he was grabbing and pulling. So if you had boxers on that were loose enough, I mean, we were seeing butts. I mean, most people were like, they knew he was a little fucker. So they, most people were like wary of it. And so he wasn't really getting anything mine. I think it came down to here and my boxers were there. But I don't even think anyone had time to notice slash care because he pantsed a girl. I think Caitlyn something and, uh, she was kind of a shy, quiet person. It's not like she was one of his friends either sexual assault. Yeah, he kind of assaulted this girl and, uh, teachers were letting it rock when it was dudes, but, uh, he, you know, he hit that girl with it and, uh, hammer came down. Yeah, that's fuck. That guy sounds fucked, man. Yeah. He was kind of a dirty, dirty, dirty little guy. Yeah. But yeah, he was, um, they sent them into a classroom by himself. Yeah. And he was in there and I don't know what happened to the guy, bro. Dude, I was watching some fucking, uh, like crime show, but it was, uh, it took place in, uh, like a London and shit and they don't, um, they don't carry around weapons or anything. Yeah. They don't have any. Yeah. This was a pretty cool show, man. But this like, um, this guy was kind of being like a, like a dick father or whatever. And he was the coach of a soccer team and like one of the moms pantsed him during a game. Oh, dude. It was like, it had been so long since I had seen that happen. Yeah. Like someone get pantsed and I couldn't stop laughing, dude. It's funny. It's something you like you haven't seen in a while, man, you know? Yeah. If I got pantsing now, I think I'd laugh, bro. For sure. Yeah. Unless people saw my winky. Dude, when I, when I was in middle school, I played basketball and they had a cheerleading squad. Yeah. And they would be on the court. Like a section of the court. Yeah. Like they wouldn't be on the court, but they'd be like right there watching the game cheering us on, dude. Yeah. And after the games, we were always in the same, like we were always in the gym, you know, like talking and shit. And I remember I went behind this kid and pulled down, dude, he was wearing a wife beater, like a tight wife beater, and then his shorts. And I pulled down his shorts and is underwear in front of the whole cheerleading squad, dude. What the hell, Jimmy? I was like, yo, what the fuck? So they saw it? Yeah. And this guy was like huge, dude. Oh, so they started chasing. Yeah. They saw his piece, dude. And he started chasing after me, dude, like bent me over and started smacking me in the face like in front of like the, like in front of families, dude. Oh my God. Yeah. But it was such a good pants, dude. Yeah. I got all of it. And he was wearing a wife beater. So you can see like Chicago balls, dude. Yeah. You deserved it, brother. For sure. Yeah. I got a dude, dude. Huh? Was like I have dinner. I think he killed himself, dude. Whatever you're like, Oh, yeah, no, after that game, he killed him. Sorry. Drinking on the couch, dude. He was okay. I can't do this anymore, dude. All right. Damn, dude. Um, dude, I appreciate you for coming, dude. Oh, yeah. Great. Yeah. This is so much fun. This was fun, man. That was easy. Usually it's podcast ever. It flies by, dude. My goodness. Flies by when you're having fun, dude. Yeah, brother. Yeah, man. If you don't mind sharing your, uh, your social media with the people, dude, like anything you got coming up. Yeah. Shonic Geo on Instagram. Uh, I'm in Cincinnati this weekend, and then Chicago and Minneapolis, uh, in the middle of this month. You want to come see a show? Please do. Yeah, dude. Uh, I'm actually headlining for the first time next week, dude. Congrats. Where at? In Rhode Island. Home town. Like where I'm from, dude. So my goodness. It's going to be emotional, man. You know. That is cool. Homecoming game. It's a big deal, dude. I've never headlined before, so it'll be like, how long are you doing? Just 30, maybe like a little more. That's beautiful, brother. That's all I have, dude. That's great. Yeah. Where are you headlining? Uh, it's called the Hyde Speak Easy. Nice. Yeah, just like a little speak easy room, but it's like, it's a good time, man. Dude. I'll probably bomb, dude. It'll be so funny. No, you'll be all right. You're fine. I'd never seen you go up, but on Saturday, you had a monster set. You put the heat on me. Really? Well, I was like, usually, you know, I feel good about falling away. Bro, you put the heat on me for fucking pronouncing, man. That was my little revenge, dude. No, dude. You had a great set. And I had to be like, all right, let me lock it. Yeah. That's what you need, though, dude. Absolutely. What do you want? We're brothers, dude. Yeah. That's what you want. Um, yeah. I think you'll be fine. Take your time when you're up there. Yeah. Especially because these are people that have seen you before. So you have like... Oh, no. It'll be all. It'll be all randoms. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that's the best. I hate it. And those people will come out, but nobody's gonna, you know, nobody's gonna come out, dude. You don't think so? Yeah. It's gonna be all like random people. That's the best. Which I enjoy, dude, 'cause it's like a less pressure, you know. Oh, I truly get so freaked out seeing anyone I know from my real life in the audience. A few months ago, I was on stage, and I saw a whole row of my high school friends at a show that didn't tell me they were coming. They know some of your jokes already? No, they never seen me. They truly... I started at the end of college, so they never seen me. Yeah. They just knew I just stand up, and they were in town for the reunion. I didn't go to the reunion, but because I didn't even know what was happening. Yeah. At the comedy club, all of them in one row, and I had a moment of pure terror. Really? And I was like... Were you watching them like during your set? Yeah, and after that, it's all I could think about. Were they laughing or no? They were. They were thankfully into it, and they were drunk, so they were having a good time. Yeah. But there was a true moment of like, "Oh, I know that face. Oh, my God, I know that face," and then the whole row. And I look back at the tape, and you can see my eyes when I notice them, and it's... Oh, man. I'm the only one that notices like a killer in the room. Dude, it's an unreal feeling, man. It's an unreal feeling. Yeah. Oh. But I am glad you won't have to deal with that, hopefully. Yeah. I don't... Yeah, I hope it... I mean, hopefully people come out, but if they don't, man, it's all the power in the world of me, dude. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, you'll be great, dude. Take your time. Have fun. Fuck you, dude. Thank you for coming, man. Oh, my God.