Relationship & Marriage Advice Podcast

Healing Obessive Love (Limerence) and it's Impact On Relationships

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Duration:
27m
Broadcast on:
06 Sep 2024
Audio Format:
mp3

Friends, isn't it fascinating how a relationship brings us immense joy, but also profound heartache? There are dance of emotions, yet how often do we truly, deeply, consciously invest in the relationship we have with ourselves and loved ones, that investment at time and that energy is the most powerful gift you could ever bestow upon yourself and those you love. As a life didn't give us a manual on handling emotions and communication challenges, we also weren't taught the art of building romantic ties or how to deeply love and value ourselves, but I'm here to share more life-affirming relationship enhancing wisdom with you all, and now you can also find this transformational content pouring onto Facebook, YouTube and Instagram. Diving to the show notes to connect with all the magic. Here's to growth, love and endless learning. Hi, this is Nicola Bea and today I'm going to be talking to you about Limerick's Obsessive Love. Limerick's is a term that describes an intense obsessive infatuation with someone, someone without a substantial relationship, and is more common than we realise. Limerick's is not just a passing crush, it's a deep, almost compulsive preoccupation with someone who may be entirely unaware of the attention they are receiving. The person in question might be someone that they know, a public figure or even a distant acquaintance. What distinguishes Limerick's from healthy affection is the overwhelming focus on the other person, often to the detriment of one's own well-being. For instance, a person experiencing limerance may find themselves constantly jaydreaming about the object of their affection, replaying every interaction in their mind and searching for hidden meanings in their words or actions. This obsession can lead to neglecting personal responsibilities such as work, studies or even self-care, as their thoughts are dominated by the other person. They might spend excessive amounts of time checking social media for updates, interpreting every post or like as a sign of mutual interest or even altering their daily routine just to increase the chances of running into that person, also wanting to look good for them, and this can impact a person's sleep, patterns and cause significant emotional distress. The limerant individual might experience also intense mood swings based on perceived signs of reciprocation or rejection, often reading too much into minor or ambiguous interactions. This can result in feelings of euphoria when they believe that the feelings are being returned, followed by deep despair when their hopes are dashed. The fixation can become so consuming that it interferes with their ability to focus on their other relationship, hobbies or life goals, leaving them isolated and emotionally drained. In some cases, limerants can lead to more destructive behaviours such as intrusive thoughts or actions, where the person might attempt to insert themselves into the other person's life inappropriately or without consent. This could involve excessive messaging, following them to places they frequent or trying to manipulate situations to create contact, all of which can lead to strained or broken relationships, legal consequences or social isolation. Overall limerants can severely impact a person's mental and emotional health, leading to a cycle of obsession and unfulfilled longing that detracts from their overall quality of life. It's not just an intense feeling of love, but a compulsive need for validation and connection that often remains unrequited, leaving the individual feeling empty and unsatisfied. And of course can have damaging impact on a romantic relationship, which I'm going to be talking about. For many, limerants is rooted in the unmet emotional needs of childhood. When a child grows up without consistent emotional support, love and validation, they may develop a longing that persists into adulthood. This unfulfilled need for connection can manifest as an obsessive attachment to someone who seems to embody the love and attention they have always craved. However, this attachment is often to an idealised version of the person rather than a real, mutual relationship. It's a need and seeking for validation. It's not always childhood trauma, it can also be previous relationship trauma. Anything where a person has felt unseen, unloved, unwanted, rejected can lead to feeling that they need to prove themselves by getting outside approval, by having everybody like them and approve of them. And with limerants, it's an obsession of one person making sure that that one person is giving them their attention. And the obsession is about getting that person to notice them to want them. When someone experiences limerants without being in a relationship, their focus remains on what could be rather than what is. This creates a cycle of longing and disappointment. As the imagined ideal fails to match the reality, the fantasy can be consuming, leaving the individual trapped in unfulfilled desires and unable to move forward. And for some people it could be multiple people, they could go from one attachment to another or multiple attachments at the same time, trying to get people that just aren't available. For those in a relationship, the focus often shifts to an imagined future with the object of affection, rather than the reality of the current relationship. This fantasy creates an illusion where the other person seems perfect, capable of fulfilling all unmet emotional needs and even met emotional needs. It doesn't mean that the relationship isn't working, it can be that this person just wants the attention, the love, the connection from the person that they're fantasizing about. This imagined connection is deceptive, as a person is often emotionally unavailable or distant, unable to provide the love and support that the limerant individual is seeking. This disconnect can lead to growing disasusafaction and emotional distance in the existing relationship. When limerants manifest within the context of a committed relationship, it can lead to significant challenges, including infidelity and emotional distance. Even without physical or emotional cheating, the presence of the limerants can erode trust, intimacy and the emotional foundation of the partnership. When a person's thoughts, feelings and energy are going to someone's house, the relationship of course will suffer. If not addressed, it can lead to infidelity. That's what makes limerants dangerous as people get hurt. When someone becomes fixated on another person outside of the relationship, they may be driven by the powerful emotions of limerants to act in ways that contradict their values or commitments. This type of infidelity often stems from the belief that the new person embodies everything they feel is missing with the current relationship. That they're their dream partner, their twin flame. The limerant individual might justify their actions by believing that they have found a soulmate, the right partner, leading them to engage in an affair despite the consequences or continue to pursue the person until an affair happens. The emotional intensity of limerants can cloud judgment, making it difficult for the person to see the situation clearly. They may idealise the new person, ignoring their flaws and projecting their own unmet needs onto them. This can create a fantasy bond that feels irresistible, making the person believe that their happiness and fulfilment depend on this new relationship. However, this is often an illusion as the limerant bond is based on fantasy rather than reality. The affair driven by limerants of course causes immense harm to their existing relationship, leaving a trail of betrayal, broken trust and emotional devastation. Cheating of course can also be traumatic, reawakening fears of abandonment, rejection, bring self-doubt and people start to judge themselves, a critical of themselves and this can be really damaging. Many end up questioning themselves confused as to how they ended up where they are, some blame themselves for what's happened or just so hurt by their partner's obsession that they struggle to focus and function in their day-to-day activities as they once did, once they discover that their partner is obsessed with someone else. Limerants cause significant problems within a relationship when a partner is consumed by the thoughts of someone else, even if they never act on those feelings, it can create a profound divide. The limerant person might become increasingly distant from their partner, emotionally unavailable and preoccupied with the object of their obsession. This emotional withdrawal can lead to a breakdown in communication, intimacy and connection within the relationship. The partner who is not the focus of the limerants often feels neglected, unloved and confused by the sudden change in the relationship dynamic. They may sense that something is wrong but be unsure of what it is, leading to feelings of insecurity and frustration. This can create a cycle of emotional distance and misunderstanding, further weakening the relationship. Limerants can also cause the limerant individual to become overly critical of their partner, comparing them unfavorably to the idealised image of the other person. This can lead to dissatisfaction and resentment within the relationship, as a limerant person may start to view their partner as an adequate or lacking in comparison. This unfair comparison can erode the foundation of the relationship, making it difficult for the couple to maintain a healthy, supportive bond. Limerants, being obsessed with someone else, can be a powerful force that disrupts lives and relationships. This was the case for Ed, whose sudden and obsessive attraction to a colleague at work led to a significant strain on his marriage. What Ed didn't realise was that his limerants was not just a random occurrence but was deeply rooted in unresolved issues from his childhood. Understanding this connection between childhood trauma and limerants is crucial for healing and rebuilding relationships for many people, also looking at other relationship trauma. Ed had always been a dedicated husband, never showing much interest in work, social events, or spending excessive time away from home. However, this all changed when he became infatuated with a colleague. Suddenly Ed started working late, meeting her for lunches and attending staff drinks, activities that were completely out of character for him. His wife Alison was taken aback by these changes and noticed how Ed had become increasingly obsessed with his appearance, dieting, working out daily, shopping for new clothes, smelling good when he left for the office. These changes coincided with Ed's critical comments about Alison's food choices, her appearance and lifestyle, creating a growing emotional distance between them. Alison concerns that something was deeply wrong but struggled to address it, every time she tried to communicate her concerns Ed responded defensively, leaving her feeling isolated and helpless. She tried expressing her feelings, talking about how much the children missed him, and asking about his work, but nothing seemed to be getting through. Ed's defensiveness only deepened the wedge between them, making it difficult for Alison to reach him or understand what was driving his behaviour. She wondered, is he having a mid-life crisis? As we explored Ed's situation together, it became clear that his limiterance was not just about his colleague, but a deeply connected, unresolved wound from his childhood. Ed grew up in a household where his parents were often absent, focused on his younger siblings and on their demanding careers. The little attention Ed did receive was primarily tied to his academic achievements, leading him to believe that he had to excel to earn their love and approval. This early experience of neglect and the need to constantly prove himself set the stage for Ed's later struggles with self-worth and the need for external validation. Of course this isn't parent bashing, this is just understanding, when a parent is busy, when they're preoccupied, sometimes children's needs don't get met, and that can lead to low self-esteem. In his youth Ed also struggled with low self-worth due to acne and shyness, which made it difficult for him to attract attention from girls. When he finally began receiving attention from women in university, it became a source of validation that he had long craved. This attention boosted his sense of self-worth, and he quickly became obsessed with seeking approval from women. This behaviour persisted into adulthood, manifesting as limerance, a deep obsessive infatuation that offered the same validation he had sought as a child. Limerance is often rooted in unresolved childhood trauma, or previous relationship trauma, particularly experiences of neglect, emotional, and availability, or unconditional love. For Ed, the lack of consistent emotional support and validation in childhood left him with deep-seated in securities and the need for external approval. When he met his colleague, she unknowingly became the focus of his unresolved needs, triggering the intense feelings of limerance. This infatuation was not about the colleague herself, but about what she represented. She was popular, warm, good-looking and successful. It appeared she enjoyed the attention Ed gave her, which made him feel excited, and he wanted to impress her more and more. She became a source of validation that lifted Ed's self-esteem and happiness. He then became attached to it, attached to getting her attention and approval. Later Ed described that he thrived on it. A kind gesture from her would make his day, and he would replay the moment over and over in his head. He'd replay their conversations. He hadn't felt this way about a woman since he met Allison, and that's how their relationship started, with him being infatuated with her, which then grew to a true and real deep love. Recognising the connection between his childhood trauma and limerance was a crucial first step for Ed. Through our Breakthrough programme, he began to understand that his obsession with impressing women and seeking their approval was a coping mechanism for the deep-seated wounds of not feeling good enough, or that he had to earn and prove that he was worthy of love. This realisation allowed Ed to see that his infatuation with his colleague was not about love or attraction, but about trying to feel a void that had been present since his early years. As Ed worked through these issues, he started to shift his focus from seeking external validation to building his own self-esteem, and nurturing his relationship with Allison. He learned to recognise and manage his need for approval, understanding that true self-worth comes from within, and not from the attention of others. At the same time, Allison, empowered by her own renewed self-esteem, found more effective ways to communicate with Ed, helping him to feel more supported, rather than criticised. He may be thinking, like Allison and Ed did before they met me, "What does self-esteem mean? What does self-esteem look and sound like?" Self-esteem is the overall sense of self-worth, or personal value that one holds. It reflects how much you appreciate and like yourself, regardless of the circumstances. Healthy self-esteem is marked by a balanced and realistic view of oneself, recognising both strengths and areas for growth, without excessive self-criticism or inflated self-importance. It looks like confidence in one's abilities, resilience in the face of setbacks, and the ability to accept compliments and construct a feedback with grace. It sounds like a compassionate inner dialogue that encourages rather than berates, and a voice that expresses needs and boundaries clearly and assertively. Healthy self-esteem feels like an inner sense of peace and stability, a deep knowing that you're worthy of love, respect and happiness, simply for being who you are. Self-esteem and confidence are different. While closely related, they're not the same thing. Self-esteem refers to your overall sense of self-worth, how much you value and appreciate yourself as a person. It is a deep internal belief in your inherent worth, regardless of external achievements or the opinions of others. Confidence on the other hand is about your belief in your abilities to perform specific tasks or achieve certain goals. It is more situational and can vary depending on the context. For example, you might feel confident giving a presentation at work, but less confident in social situations. I often help high achievers in their relationship, and one thing I noticed is that many of the men that I work with are really good at having direct conversations, confronting people in the workplace, yet they avoid confrontation, they avoid difficult or emotional conversations at home. While someone with high self-esteem often exudes confidence, it is also possible to be confident in certain areas of life while still struggling with low self-esteem. For instance, a person might excel at their job and feel very capable in their professional role, but still harbor feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt in their personal life. Conversely, someone with healthy self-esteem may not always feel confident in every situation, but their strong sense of self-worth allows them to navigate challenges without it deeply affecting their self-perception. In essence, self-esteem is a foundation of how you see yourself, while confidence is how you feel about your abilities in specific circumstances. So a lot of people I work with get confused with that was just why I wanted to highlight that. Over time, Ed and Alison began to rebuild their relationship. Ed's newfound self-awareness allowed him to be more present and emotionally available in their marriage. The couple made conscious effort to reconnect, spending quality time together, going on dates and openly discussing their feelings and concerns. As Ed let go of his need for external validation, he rediscovered the deep love and connection he had with Alison, which had been overshadowed by his limerance. Through understanding the roots of his limerance and addressing the underlying childhood wounds, Ed was able to break free from the destructive patterns that had threatened his marriage. He and Alison emerged from the experience stronger with a deeper understanding of each other and a renewed commitment to their relationship. The journey wasn't easy, but by facing the past and working together, they were able to create a healthy, more fulfilling partnership. For those who didn't get their emotional needs met as a child, which I'm going to talk about more in the podcast coming up when I talk about trauma and not feeling good enough and where it comes from, this needing outside validation can become a persistent and painful pattern. And it's not to blame the parents. Our parents are often doing the best they can with the emotional resources, the financial resources, the wisdom and knowledge that they have at the time. So it's about freeing yourself by looking back. A lot of people I work with are single struggle because of this, because they get into relationships, they idealise the person, they believe it's love, and then the person rejects them because it's just too much. And we end up going from one relationship to another relationship pushing people away. Healing from limerance requires looking at relationship trauma, whether that's between you and your parents, whether that's between your friendships, your older or younger brothers and sisters, bullying at school or your first relationship experiences. Pain comes from relationship trauma which can cause this pattern. If your relationship is suffering from limerance, then of course it can impact the trust, the intimacy and emotional health, even if it doesn't lead to infidelity and remains an internal struggle. Trust is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship and it's often the first casualty. When one partner is emotionally invested in someone else, mentally obsessed with someone else, it can create an atmosphere of secrecy and dishonesty. As the obsession leads to hiding thoughts, feelings and interactions related to the person they are limerant about, leading to a breakdown in that transparency and openness. Intimacy, both emotional and physical, also suffers when limerance is present. The limerant individual may become less interested in connecting with their partner, both emotionally and physically. They may withdraw from the shared activities, avoid deep conversations, become less affectionate. This can leave the non-limerant partner feeling isolated and unloved which can lead to further strain on the relationship. The emotional toll of limerance can be heavy, not just for the limerant person but for their partner, of course as well. The non-limerant partner may feel confused, hurt and rejected. As mentioned, many people start to question their own worth, their own attractiveness, that's a really dangerous favourite hole to go down. So healing from limerance requires a deep commitment to self-awareness, honesty and open communication. Therapy, both individual and couples counselling, ideally with the same therapist works best. As they can then see the full relationship, they can understand all the dynamics, the individual challenges and the relationship challenges. Giving that whole perspective enables them to go deeper with each person and create more lasting profound differences through the wisdom that they can generate for the couple. A good therapist can help the limerant individual understand their emotional wounds that are driving their fixation and provide tools to manage and overcome these feelings. For the couple, the therapy offers a safe base to explore the impact of the limerance and also for strategies to reconnect, strengthen the bond and rebuild trust. Rebuilding the trust and connection also involves a commitment to transparency and honesty, where the limerant individual must be willing to share their thoughts and feelings with their partner, even when it's uncomfortable or difficult. Likewise, the partner must be willing to listen with compassion and understanding, recognising that limerance is often a symptom of deeper emotional issues rather than a reflection of their own worth. Limerance can feel all consuming, but it's not insurmountable. By recognising the patterns of obsession and understanding their roots and past trauma, it is possible to reclaim your emotional wellbeing. Healing begins with self-awareness and the willingness to let go of the fantasy, embracing the real love you have available in your life, from yourself and others. Limerance can be a destructive force in relationships, so if you or your partner are struggling with the limerance, know that you are not alone, that help is available. You can download for free my fair recovery pack, which can help with the limerance, and also watch the fair recovery masterclass. Healing is possible. Many have walked this path and found freedom, and so can you. If you have any questions on this topic, do feel free to send me an email at handy@nicolibir.com, and until next time, take amazing care of yourself and each other. Dear listeners, today I celebrate you. You are among the few who actively nurture their love journey. It's an act of courage, an act of self-love, and if today's episode resonated with you, be a beacon for others, subscribe, rate and review. Let's break this love and wisdom far and wide. Creating more? Discover the free resources at Nicolibir.com. You can also find the links to helpful gifts in the show notes. Do also join our relationship and wellness Facebook group. It's a haven where we've uplift, support and journey together towards richer, deeper, love stories. Remember, you have the power to craft the love story you deserve. Thank you for being with me today, and until next time, keep shining and loving with all your heart. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC]