Jane Doe and I give a life update <3
Emotionally Unavailable
Episode 54: Purpose (Anonymously Unavailable with Jane Doe - Episode 12)
[MUSIC PLAYING] Welcome to Emotionally Unavailable, the podcast where we dive deep into the world of emotional availability and intimacy. I'm your host, Melissa Hepner. And I can't tell you how excited I am to have you join me on this journey of self-discovery and connection. Whether you're navigating the complexities of relationships or exploring your own emotional landscape, this podcast is here to inspire, empower, and entertain. So get cozy and let's explore the depths of human emotions together. Hey, guys. Today's episode is anonymously unavailable with Jane Doe, episode 12. We have skipped book club for this week and just a little life update episode and fun little combo. So I hope you enjoy. [MUSIC PLAYING] So we have both been incredibly busy this week and did not do our homework, so we are not going to do a book club this week because we just didn't. So fuck that. So maybe we are not mad about it. We are celebrating it. Yeah, because listen, the more I'm preaching to people about neuroplasticity and your subconscious holding on to anything you put into it, I am no longer going to make any negative IAM statements about myself or others. And if I accidentally voice a worry, I'm always like, let me hold on. I attract health, wealth, and prosperity and abundance. So just to-- I just need you to know that really quick because I accidentally voiced a worry and I need the universe and my brain to understand that did not happen. It's not going to happen. We're going to be just fine. It's cool, brain. It's cool. I'm happy as fuck, dude. I was telling Bryson today, like, damn, dude, your life can be so fucking different in six months time. Like, who would have-- I mean, I had hope that it would be this. You know what I mean? Like, this is what I hoped for, but I couldn't imagine how this would feel. And it's not just because I got out of a toxic cycle. And it's not just because I like the work I'm doing. Like, I am not fighting with anyone. Like, it'll bubble up and then I just-- magic and then I'm out. Like, it's so unnecessary for me right now to even give that shit my energy because I'm like, I already know the reason I'm responding this way is me. It's me. And some of that's valid, but you know, just because I have, let's say, an appropriate reaction is warranted, but then I'm going to take that on and I'm going to go ahead and, you know, inappropriate. Yeah, I might give something an appropriate reaction, but I'm not heavy right now. I was tired earlier, and I'm really cluing in to every little clue from my body these days. Like, hey, we got to take care of ourselves. You know, like, I was just-- I really-- I'm still struggling, adjusting, waking up at the time that I am to, like, take Charlie to school and all that stuff. I guess that's because over the summer, I really just let myself like sleep till eight, but like, they am, dude. Like, I mean, I really didn't most of the time, though, because I was having trouble sleeping there for a little bit. So I don't know. I'm not going to question what it is, I need some sleep. So I was like, all right, I need to rest. Like, I don't know why I'm this tired. I don't need to know why I'm this tired. I'm just going to go rest. And so I woke up, right? Like, when I responded to this last, like, messages that we were sitting, I slept for maybe like 35 minutes. And it's all I needed, but, you know, I'm just really trying to take care of myself. Like, whatever I need, I'm trying to do. I love that for you. Well, thank you. I love that for you. I love that you're in a space where you can do that. We were talking about this morning because I was going through and looking at all my billing and stuff and like, okay, where am I at? I'm like, this is pretty. Like, since I made that realization, like, I don't have to do this. I'm just doing this to get to this end point. I have so much just like, don't care if there's no pressure to like build or do or like any other type of care. Like, so yeah, same. Just like, no conflict. It's so chill. Well, and that's what I've been trying to decide. Like, I wanted a plan, you know, like, okay. So the realization can happen. Like, I'm actually doing the shit I said I was gonna do, you know? But I asked Brian. I was like, you know, where my struggle has been is like, okay, I think starting next week, like, I'm back to making what I was before. So cool, no more of that type of stress. But I was like, in this kind of flux state where I was trying to decide, do I want to try to make as much money as possible for a couple of months, a few months, a year to try to get myself in a better position and kind of start from scratch because we've never really budgeted together. We've been completely separate in our finances always. And I feel like I have made, this is a realization actually. I didn't realize how much healing had to take place for me to feel safe to even have financial discussions with him, let alone really go all in. And he's not scared either. Like, we're like, okay, this is the plan. And so I decided like, oh, I felt bad about it because I was like, that's really like chasing money. And I want to make sure I'm staying centered and going north, like what my north is. And I have this overall goal. And that goal does not include that many hours per week of me doing one-on-one sessions with people. And, but I don't think that doing that for a while to get to a better position and get more opportunities is wrong either. So I'm like, I'm gonna do it. And then if it doesn't feel good, I'm not gonna do it anymore. - I'm still doing it again. - I'll just scale back and it's not that serious. So that was the decision I made. And just coming up with the budget for that and whatever, which is not like finalized, but almost. It allowed me to have some really like important conversations with my kids because I had to look them in the face and say, here's the truth guys. I've been emotionally unavailable your entire lives. And I always knew I was buying your love, but that's because I had nothing else to give. That was easy to, do you want to go to iHop? You know, like spend some time with me or to make sure their Christmas was a certain way or whatever. But I've said like, I need y'all to know, I didn't realize how hard I struggled with boundaries with you. And this is not about you. It's just really important for me to say out loud to you so that you know so that I can relieve myself of guilt when this happens. I'm gonna say no, because it's not helping me. It's killing my finances. Like, you know, now we did decide not attached to any kind of earning potential. I just said, hey, we give these kids a lot of money. So what we'll do is we'll just say, here's your money. And when it's gone, it's gone every month. Like I'm so tired of the coming to be unexpectedly. Like it won't be. - I've got this thing. Can I have $15? - Right. - I've got to pay $25 back to my friends. And I'm not cracking that. Yeah, so I'm like, okay, no, I wanna know what I'm spending on them. So they can have it 'cause they're gonna get it anyway, you know? It's not like an a crazy amount or anything, but you know what I'm saying. And so I was like, okay, let's just give them however much per month. And we'll, I want to start like, probably something I'm not worried about, you know, is at a budget. But like with the other two, I wanna start with like weekly payments and then make them start to manage every other week payments. And then eventually once a month. But yeah, that's such a gift for them actually. - Right, exactly. - Yeah, I mean, I did the exact same thing with my kids. And I think they're all very fiscally responsible. - Right. - Because they knew when those were conversations and then it was like, oh yeah, I can't go to Freddy's after that tournament because Adam spent $20 at whatever, whatever. - You can't help. - Oh God, the Freddy's after the tournament. I know all about it or proms. Yeah, it's so certain proms. - Which is fine, it's like, that stuff adds up and there's so many of you. - It's always something. They're always out. And then like Jake has seen me and I've said, I looked at my husband on the face and I said, you know, I don't really care what kind of childhood you had here. Okay, like that. I understand what your value system is around money. I get it. Mom disrespectfully, I'm gonna let you know we're not viewing this shit you want to do, okay? So my kids, because you know what? Here's the deal is I just, I care more about limiting how much I'm giving them, teaching, budgeting and not like adding any more pressure to be good, you know? So I'm like, no, we're giving them the fucking money. - How about grades and what's that? Is that what age or just like giving it as a reward? - Reward, yeah. I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong with that period, but when I'm looking at myself and my kids and my family, I have to repair some damage right now. And that's one of the ways I want to do it. Like Brian has always kind of like had that philosophy and so he'll do some bullshit thing like by Charlie something and say, well, we gotta earn it first, you know, but we've always just done the beat good thing because behavior charts worked for her so well because of her little Virgo rising ass. But I'm like, well, I don't know. I think I'd rather you be not behaved than this. For me, I think I'd rather work on why behavior is happening than to use your human nature against you and make you earn it. I don't know. This is, you know, I'm in a weird space and I'm gonna-- - And will power so hard and then the shame you get from not like listening. I can say every day that I'm gonna be so good but I'm a grown up and some days when I'm with people I'm like, oh, I hate you. And I say mean things and I act naughty but I don't have a teacher that gets to also sometimes have a bad day and take it out on me, you know. - Yeah. - My behavior differently. And so it just feels like there's that kind of stuff to me as so like subjective anyway. - That was the exact word I was gonna use. And it's so subjective that like, how do you then go, okay, well, whose side do I take the teachers to hurt? I mean, okay, this is very hypothetical 'cause this child hasn't gotten in trouble really in a bajillion years besides like, you know, last year this boy called her a demon and she hurt him. And I wasn't sad about it. - I was telling prophecy, guy. - Yeah, I was like, no, no. But what's funny is like a kid at school had just hit the shit out of another boy for calling. I was like, wait, what is this demon thing? My kid just got in trouble for this yesterday. What? And so they told me it was some video thing but I was like, yeah, okay, I don't really care about that. But like, I don't know, I just, I'm just trying to rid her of this good girl complex a little bit because this, of course, we've praised the shit out of her for being good because she was not good. And then, you know, like, whatever. I just, I don't know, I'd rather have a bad kid. That's where I'm at. You know, like, I would rather have a kid who feels safe and loved and whatever than like just kind of the maybe undertone of criticism that can come from any of that, you know? I don't, let me be clear. I don't think there's anything wrong with short charts. Allowances tied to those, behavior charts, any of that. Nothing's wrong with it. But for us right now, I'm having to look at all of the programming that has happened around these kids like money is love, you know? Like, I know they at first when I started saying no, because I had to, I have no fucking money. They're like, okay, I got it, okay? But they were also so tired of like the literal chest pains that happened anytime they even came to me about something. So they stopped asking and it's been great. But, I mean, I let them know like, sure, things are about to be much more abundant, but that's not for you. That's for me. 'Cause I have goals and I want to achieve those goals. I want like, you know, to move forward in my life. So that's not gonna include, if you're fully, fully, socially stable. - Yeah, challenge them to come up with things that you can do that also don't cost money. Or if they really wanna do stuff, then they can spend half of their allowance on it with you. So like you can really hop with me. All right, 50/50, let's go. If you're, and then, you know, I used to do that with the boys and then they would say, well, I don't wanna spend my money on it. Well, then I don't wanna spend my money on it. Why do you want me to spend mine? And they're like, oh, okay, good point. But then sometimes they're like, yes, 50%. I'm in. Okay, well, then I'm happy to be the other part of that. If you're-- - Yeah, yeah. - Especially 'cause I told Brian, when budgeting like food, like, well, we all know that-- - That's the worst. - You would really rather have one night out here and there. You know, I was like, so build that into the budget. Like, be honest, I wanna know everything. - Yeah, but like, you're gonna buy it. - Right, so I mean, I went through and I listed everything. I put like wax and something else in the monthly expenses, but it's like, I will pay for my hair out of my like, spending money or whatever. So you don't have to pay for that. But, I mean, you, like us, like, you know what I mean? Like, you don't have to contribute to that. - What else? - But, you know, it's just shit like that. It's like, okay, well, now I'm at a place where I'm not, you know, mentally unwell. So, I'm glad that I've taken a really, I'm, you know, I don't really like the word blessing, but financial hardship at that stage, any night because it didn't last longer than it did. Kind of a blessing. It forced me to really look and be like, why am I doing this? What did I do? What can I do different moving forward? How can I accomplish these goals that I have? And like, I'm like, okay, honey, what you don't understand is like, I'm not the same person I was three months ago. So, like, I need you, that your area of interest is to find the latest, greatest, like, what should we be doing with money? Like, what can we invest in? Not all your money, but, you know, we need to start diversifying some things and we need to be paying attention to what's, like, the new thing to get in early and then move forward. Like, I just, I don't want us to just, like, sit around relying on checking accounts. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't know. Just, I want to invest in shit. So, I was like, but I will tell you, I'm pretty tired of having a car payment. Like, I think that's a thing I want to pay off. I want, like, when we're, and we have to decide how aggressive do you want to be about paying off credit cards? Like, you know, like, what, what, what are we going to do? And so, you know, deciding all of that and I was like, you guys are doing this. - Right? - It's kind of a deal. - Yeah? I've never been able to have a money discussion without a complete fucking breakdown because of my self-worth issues over it. That's a realization right there. - Yeah. - Right, my self-worth was absolute, I felt so much fucking shame in every one of those conversations 'cause I knew I was the problem. - Yeah. - You know, I knew my mindset was the problem. I knew that I was spending too much. I knew I was self-sabotaging. I knew that. And I knew he was begging me to be better at it, but I was also like, yeah, well, I don't see a lot of collaboration here. And that's what I told him the other day too, is like, hey, your greatest shit is going to come out of collaboration. I know I'm going to respect the fact that you have been alone your whole life and you're not going to tell me everything because you're not always going to remember. It's not your nature to remember to include me. And I'm no longer going to care about that. I'm not going to get up, like I did get upset. For a second the other day, actually I'm going to go ahead and tell this story here because I think you're going to be proud of me. It was employee appreciation and they took their employees to top off. And one of his employees is the one in charge of their social media and posted on Facebook about it. There's first pictures, my husband right there. And I was like, that feels good to know that four days ago, you did this whole thing that I had no idea about. And it was the, I didn't even... - What did you tell you anyway? - Not a word, nothing. Not that they were going to do it, not that it happened and he went nothing. And for five seconds, I was just about to be like in a session, like, you know, going to be somebody's therapist, but I happened to see that. And I was like, oh shit, that made me mad. And so I texted him because I very quickly did the thing, you know, like you just, it's just hitting your betrayal. He had a betrayal wound, but he didn't do anything wrong. So I texted him and I said, hey, neither one of us have time for my feelings, but I would like to discuss top off later. Well, the second I sent it out, I was done. Like I was over it, you know what I mean? Like, 'cause it just felt good to kind of get it out of my head, whatever. And then after my session was over, I was like, no, bro, I'm not even upset. It's fine, but here's the thing is that like, I'm gonna push this because I don't need you to tell me that shit, that ain't no thing. I don't give a fuck about that. But we have to learn to collaborate better, you know what I mean? Like, this is just, we're not doing enough of that. We're not brainstorming and dreaming together. We're not focused together. We're not any of that and we need to do that. That whole thing just, it was done. I mean, I can't even tell you how long that would have, I would have been mad. Well, I can tell you that it would have been at least two, if not three days, 'cause I would have intentionally punished him immediately for that by doing something I knew would upset him. And that would have fueled the fire and then it would have just been it back and forth for like, yeah, three days to a week over him, not telling me to pop golf, it sounds really stupid now, but who that would have taken up a lot of my life. And then, you know, if I had been it to you, you would have heard a version of events coming through my wounding that was like, he's just secretive and he just doesn't, he's probably sucking someone in, but who cares, you know, it just doesn't feel like a matter. So that's his personality, he's not a little tatty guy. No, he does not, and I used to take it so personally because I would be like, you're the first person I wanna tell stuff, why don't you wanna tell me? 'Cause I would hear him be excited and like call his business partner about business stuff. You know what I mean? That's the only way I'd know about it is like hearing him talk. And I'd be like, you don't wanna share your life with me with the fuck. You know, of course they made sense to him. That's who he's growing a business with, so that's who he's calling. And, you know, truth be told, I'm so triggered or was by everybody that like he couldn't really talk to me about anything without me getting jealous over something, you know? So, I don't know. I think there's also just this trust now that like, I used to really, really spend so much time being like, you know, I wanna trust him, but then that's gonna make me look really stupid when he fucks me over. That was my primary motivator in life is you're not gonna make me look stupid. You know what? 'Cause that's the shit my grandma cared about. Anyway, what else? I was just proud of myself. It was so fast. - I'm proud of you. So fast it was like, I can't care. I'm so happy. It got me for a second, but like, what else? - But really, there is some truth to that too, because, you know what? Like we talked about when you're bored, you know, or you're not happy, then it's easy for that to be projected onto somebody else. And it's like, oh, well, you know? But you, now, you know, finding that and you are full because of you, not because somebody else needs to do it for you. So he can't let you down 'cause you're not intending him on him for that at this point. - Right. - Right. - No truth. There's zero expectations for this. - Right. - Or anyone else in my life, honestly, because I've cut out anyone that I feel like I needed that type of barrier with, you know? So like, yeah, I'm not, I heard something too that like really just kind of helped me in some perspective. This is the dumbest thing. I'm almost embarrassed to like say this on a podcast, but okay. You know, I'll be watching these TikTok astrological girl. He's just learning as much as I can, right? And this girl who's a Capricorn, she was like, the thing about a Capricorn versus an Aquarius because they're very similar is Aquarius, they're very distant and off and whatever in the silence, they're just focused on them. They're doing whatever they don't really think about you. But like a Capricorn, they're loving in the silence. Like they're out there and like Teresa, I could very easily be so hurt by like her lack of communication when things are stressful in her life, right? Because in my world, I connect, I used to, a different version of me actually. But, you know, I'm always like touch points, you know, but I'm a communicator and I do need some connection. You know, so I need connection in a different way and now I'm healthy. So it's just, you know, but she's someone who really like goes within when she's struggling, but she is loving me in that distance, in that space and that silence. Like she's thinking fond of me when she's out there, she just can't right now. You know what I mean? That helped me so fucking much because I'm like, wow, I've really misinterpreted silence for so many years because I got the silent treatment as a kid, as a punishment or an as an adult until that woman died. I got the silent treatment when she was mad. So, I don't know. I think that's so silly to like say as a point of fact, but it's just an idea. It's not like you don't have to apply it to Capricorn or whatever, but like people don't have to be mad at you to be quiet and you don't have to rush into fix whatever they've got going on if they can't reach out. Like I'm not going to, I can't, I don't have the capacity. Like I'm doing me, you know, if she were to ask me, I would be there for her, but that's that. But like, I don't know, I just, I think it's important to kind of just stay grounded and be like, I guess the whole world doesn't really revolve around. - Right. - Not really. - But yours does. - Yeah. - But like everybody else's does it. - Right. - Our worlds are orbiting one another. - Right. - Oh, and it just is. - It is sometimes. - Yeah. - It's so good because I don't feel unworthy of anyone. You know, like I'm just over here like, and I'm fucking loving you and the silence too. You know, like people who check in, I'm like, "Hi, I love you." You know, I am so glad you've checked in. - You don't have to be talked to every day for somebody to be having loving thoughts of you, you know? Now, if it's a type of relationship where you need a different level of communication, that's different, but like my friends, you know? - Mm-hmm. - 'Cause I could show up at her house anytime, if she wouldn't give up. - Yeah. - You know what I mean? It's just we're not talking on the phone, it has not a problem. - Yeah. Well, everybody has a million things going on. - God, everybody's going on right now. - Mm-hmm. - The world says... - I feel like my life is so drama free. I don't even think I've been like upset or like spent several weeks. Like it's just so chill. - Just have we done the work, bro. - Fine. - And I've been trying to... - Yeah. - All right. And I've been trying to just like self-care, like take my time, do my stuff, like not let myself get stressed about things, not feel like I have new stuff all the time. I have about 32 posting notes here on my desk that tell me I need to be doing stuff right now. But it's like, okay. - Have you seen Elise Mimes come back to TikTok? It made me think of you so much. - I couldn't even really watch the whole video because it made me like, 'cause you know I'm open to emotions now and so like I can't really handle shit. But it was her and like her subconscious talking to her and she's at this desk with headphones on like just trying so hard to do her best. And it's like telling her, nope, you gotta do more. You gotta do more. You gotta do more. You gotta do more. You gotta do more. And I was like, you need to read this book. So good, man. I'm like, thank you. Thank you, universe. Like I'm about to cry because I have PMS, but like I would say today in this moment, I can't say this every day, but today in this moment, every fucking bad thing that has ever happened to me is worth it for this because people are changing and it feels really good because if we can make this world not treat their kids like shit anymore. And like heal. Fuck dude, how much happier are we all gonna be? And we're gonna stop doing things intentionally because we're her, you know? I wouldn't be able to say that every day 'cause I've had a lot of bad shit happen, but today I'm grateful for all the bad stuff because the amount of peace that you reach when you overcome all of that shit is fucking insane because you earned it. You earned every ounce of that peace by being like, okay, I know where I went wrong and I'm not gonna do that shit anymore because I'm fucking worthy of a good life. Just because we were taught self-hatred does not mean we have to practice it. And that saying means more to me every fucking day because I'm so thankful that my little brain came up with that because it's so true, you know? We don't have to do that to ourselves anymore just to justify an existence on this planet. - Well, and here's the other thing, all of those people get the benefit of you and that, it's not just you and you get to be in this cool space where you get to help them but also it leads to more self-discovery for you. So it just makes you better. - Well, that's what I'm so glad. I'm so fucking thankful that I've done the work that I've done on authenticity too because I'm not even trying to appear a certain way aesthetically even. I mean, I have absolutely worn this shirt, two sessions. Because I'm always like, hey, if I'm not for you, don't stay because I'm not gonna be hurt. I'm not for everyone and that's okay. I'm not taking any of that personally. But what you see right now is what you're gonna get. I'm not gonna be like anyone else you've ever met, I promise, 'cause I'm not going to, I'm not gonna like do the annoying therapist of asking you questions I know the answer to to get you to know the answer. Sometimes I'll lead you to water, but most of the time I'm gonna fucking waterboard you and I have used those words, you know? Like I'm going to just go, no, no, no, no, no. But so far, you know, can't say anything about it. Like it's going to be-- - I honestly think there's just so many people that don't have time for the other stuff and here's the other thing, you know, I tried therapy and I had three different therapists and I hated all three of them and every time it was just me talking and just basically trauma dumping. - Yes. - Oh, hmm, well, and then the first one was like, "Well, it seems like you've already got a good handle." I'm like, you know, coping mechanisms or whatever. - I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, you can do it." - So much more than you have, everything. - You know, what can I help you with? And I'm like, "Hmm, okay, well, this isn't helpful." I just wasted all of this time, like great. So I got a new one, same. - Yeah, yes, I'm sorry, I don't want to question it, but that thing isn't going to do that. No, and I don't want to go so deep that they're talking about their worst fucking memory and that doesn't do any go over and-- - You know what I mean? - Yeah, and then I just have this hangover and I'm like, I don't feel like I even do the work the next day going. I had a really hard therapy session yesterday and I'm having a hard day. That's not helpful. - There are gonna be times like my little baby, you know, client. - I want to check on them like, you know what I mean? Like, I want to send them stuff. I want to whatever during the week. Because I want most of their work to be done outside of our session. - Right. - It's real-life shit. - It's not about the gym, it's not about your mom's. You know, none of us know what the fuck we're doing. And now men are held to a lit tool better of the standard, but they're never, you know, when women get abortions, no one's talking to the man involved. When something happens to a kid, no one's really talking about dad. No one's really talking about dad. They're looking at mom and who do the kids ask for shit? Mom, who do the school call? Mom, you know, all of that. And so, yeah, I know I'm giving myself a break. Yeah, I've done some things and I have fucked up. But like, some of that's just like humanness and, you know, we're gonna do that. But I just want people to see what contributed to their wounding, not like start to view your parents in a negative way, just like, honey, they were your biggest program. So we're gonna have to like address that a little bit, you know, but not that I really have resistance, but in the beginning, and I think everyone's been really surprised too, that I'm like, no, I don't wanna hear your whole life story right now. Like that's not gonna help me. You know what I mean? I ask a couple of questions, I know everything I need to know for now. We don't need to, that's not, I'm not gonna talk shit, but I just don't think that that's not for me, that's not the model I wanna follow. And we can say whatever we want about Jonah Hill and his therapist, I don't care what people say, but what that documentary did for me was gave me permission to show up as myself, you know, because I was never, before there were times that I was just, you know, play acting. 'Cause you can't connect if you're emotionally unavailable and you haven't done the work yourself. I mean, yeah, I could do these things and these things, but then all of us are walking around. And yeah, we two are the, first of all, we're a therapist dream because they're like, whoa. Well, you're healed. You can tell me A, B, C, D, E, and I mean, that's all I need not for a treatment man, so me and you. No, no, mm-mm. I could tell you anything. I could tell myself anything. I didn't know what the fuck to do with any information. No, I mean, really. And then just leaving even the first few chapters, I was like, oh. I mean, she's never here crying over a lost wound, you know? I mean, like, it was like-- I didn't even know I had all of those things. Right, so I'm like, no, no, no, wait a few, mm-mm. And, you know, I think it helps them that I can say, no, there really is true hope for you to be exactly who you wanna be in six months time. Six months later, like, about that, too. I've been thinking about this. Like, why is this effective? It takes, like, you know, we have these, anytime that you do, like, regular therapy, it's like, oh, okay, well, tell me about this, and you can think of, and I can think of, probably five off the top of my head. Really horrible things that happen to me. Really horrible, sad things. And it takes those, and it just, like, okay, those are just, like, little tiny pieces, and it puts them in a bucket, and now it's not about those things happening to you. It's about this outcome, and the outcome is reversible, 'cause we can never take back those horrible things. - Right. - 'Cause we can, we can do something about the outcome. Like, oh, okay, we'll fix that one thing. Like, oh, okay, I can fix that, right? - Yeah. - And it's, like, it makes it some more-- - That's such a good place. - You can do something about it, and then I don't dwell on, like, I hate that that happened. I hate, like, I'm just gonna not think about that. I can't talk about this thing. I can't, you know, be so terrible about that thing. - When I was a little kid, I didn't do that to me. Somebody else did that to me, you know? - All right. - And so then it's like, to me, it becomes more about, like, okay, and the outcome of that was this, I can change that. - And writing a few things down and checking some boxes has been way more effective to me than me. - Yeah. - You're gonna talk therapy for me, if I could've been. - Yeah. - I'm like, I cried, I experienced that feeling. That's real, that's real, and I was able to identify core narratives then, and the core narratives are the key, 'cause no one else is responsible for an adult saying, well, I'm always gonna be alone. No one's ever gonna be here to help me with this shit, so I'm just gonna do it alone. At a certain point, it's not your responsibility for me to identify in that. You know, I deeper that in myself. So, like, I gotta do the work, and-- But I think it's so cool because this works as a scene, it's very disarming. You don't know, you're about to do this life-altering shit just by opening a chapter, you know? And even 'cause, like, it didn't all resonate with me in terms of, like, the dialogue part of things, I was just like, well, that's for babies, I'm just gonna, you know, go ahead and get to the work. And after watching that documentary with Jonah Hill's therapist, I was like, no, this is that, thank you. You're saying what I haven't had words for. I wanna give pools. I want you to walk away from our first session that if you were so busy and you never saw me again, you have the ability to fix this yourself. And I don't want anyone to, like, hope that we're in session every week for some, whatever. I want everyone to heal and just go, like, give their message to the world in a way, you know? I don't know. I just, yeah, really, this book, man, it's good shit. I mean, I don't, like, utilize every single bit, but this is the thing is I'm learning how to be flexible. And this is gonna be a very good lesson in that, but I feel like I've done enough work to be able to kind of roll with punches now. You know, some things are so fucking, like, of course. You know, like, it's like, okay, but I'm so fucking used to all the weird shit happening to me that I'm like, okay, another lesson, let's write that down. Let me just go do some work. I do not want to prolong this lesson, okay. Why did that affect me like that? Like, I'm still trying to work out my self-worth around money, like, there's still more there. So I'm still trying to learn shit and you let me be the most, and I really appreciate that from you, Lev. I'm trying so hard too to be, like, more compassionate about some religious people. Like, I'm trying real hard to not be triggered and to see them the way I'm trying to see everyone, which is that, like, I don't want anyone else to feel the way I feel when I'm judged about astrology. Like, it doesn't really bother me anymore, but it has gotten to where I feel okay not being really out there with it with people. But, like, in practice, I'm like, I'm so sorry. I know you're not into astrology, but I am, and I have you pegged as an Aries. What are you? So, like, I have to. I'm recording with someone British tomorrow. - Oh, my gosh. - Okay, so threads? - Uh-huh. - You know, threads? - Uh-huh. - I'm not on threads, but I know of it. - I was kind of, like, I had joined, but I wasn't doing shit with it. Went over there one day, and I was like, wow, this is a very supportive community. It's like the only people on threads are people looking for a crowd. - Okay. - And everybody's willing to support everyone. I went on there and I was like, "Hey, I need two recordings by Sunday, please." And got two signed up, and they're both from foreign countries, and I'm so fucking excited. - Oh, my gosh, this is gonna be so fun. - Raina signed up already for the night. I'm new, I'm brand new. I don't know, I just, life is good, you know? These are gonna be my fucking, like, oh, my ears are ringing, really bad. I've been having a lot of ear stuff. - That's weird. - Sign this stuff, like, I mean, but yeah, no, I mean, those are kind of gonna be like, like those type of people are gonna be people that I'm doing business with. Like, that's kind of crazy, right? Like, I impressed my child even. So, I think I was expecting a yes because I'm just starting to expect a yes, you know? That's a weird thing to say, I think, but yeah, in thinking of it, because it's like, I know there's still a little bit of doubt, but I'm expecting a yes, it's weird. And I'm recording next Friday on someone else's podcast to, it's these two, I think we'd love their podcast. We need to subscribe. - Okay. - But they had to do a vibe check with me before they, 'cause they wanted to make sure it wouldn't be affiliated with anyone like racist, homophobic, whatever. I didn't even think about that. They made me start to think, oh, I should probably be careful about that shit too. - Yeah. - You know, in the future, I don't wanna be promoting people that are promoting values. I don't, you know, I was like, okay, I'm kind of in love with you, first of all. And second of all, here's a couple of things for my vibe check, you know what I mean? And they were like, okay, we're down. So I'm gonna be on theirs. They're gonna be on mine. We're gonna do guest promotion commercials for each other that we'll insert in order if it's all happening. - I don't know. - It's gonna happen. Well, and that's, I'm gonna be really open to the universe. I guess I'll just say this out loud right now. Like I'm going to continue to seek opportunities. And so if you know, next month, even, the universe said, we only want you to do 10 hours a week of one to one, and we're gonna keep you busy with all this, global shit, that's my dream. I wanna, 'cause that's when I was asking Brian, like which path to take? I was like, I want as many people, I wanna teach people this so that they can have that kind of one on one impact. Everybody who gets this knowledge, and I just feel this rush to get this information out there because very clearly nobody knows about it. I just, I don't know, dude, I see it and everyone's saying the same shit. Like we're literally, oh, we're all the same, dude. We're all the fucking same. - Mm-hmm. I think we have different looms from different experiences, but the end is all the same. - I think we have the exact same wounds. We just, they were created differently. - Differently. - And by different people, obviously, but our narratives, all the same. So that's why anybody can just say a couple of things and I'm like, okay, so you've got a lost wound or you've got, you know, like let's work on that first, which is just so good. I feel empowered to actually help people because before I was like, well, do you even get me therapy while we're talking? They're like, what are we doing? - I didn't know, you know, like I was phoning it in because I didn't know what the fuck I didn't know. I can give you like quotes from books, but like what else, you know? But that's why I want to change the lives of mental health workers. Like I was, oh God, dude, I don't think I even told you about this because I was in a whole existential crisis for five seconds. I know I talked about it a little bit on the podcast, but I don't think I really like talking about it. - Okay, so whenever I made the mistake of looking at the agenda of other speakers, yeah. Well, then I was like, I didn't want to rewatch my videos for errors because I was just, oh, you know, 'cause it's pre-recorded or whatever. And then I don't know, I got kind of got over it and I started watching my videos and I was like, no, that's pretty good. No, I'm all right. You know, like there's stuff now that I would include even more, but like I get to be there for a live session like question, answer, you know what I mean? We'll be doing that. Like I'll be present on the computer while we watch the thing and then I can do like a live Q&A. So I mean, I have more shit to add, but no, I think I did what I want to do. You know, I'm gonna get better at that too, but I think, you know, I was myself and I had some humor in there and, you know, good stories and whatever, but also just like making it clear, you have to heal yourself first. That's why so much therapy isn't effective because we're just play acting, you know? We're just doing what someone else told us to do and we're mimicking and we're like, what? But that's why, you know, with that client, I said, okay, well, you know, here's the thing is you said, you wanted a therapist who's gonna go deep, we're about to go really deep because what you just said is a thought, you are not feeling. What is the feeling, you know, breakthrough? But that's what I'm saying, but you don't know how to tell somebody, get out of your head and into your heart unless you've had to take care of your hair. You know, if you haven't had to tell yourself that, you don't know what that means, you don't know. Now, I hope that people can say that, you know, if you wanna play act and say that to someone, I think it's okay. I mean, I think they'll be able to do with it, but you're, you know, you're not gonna necessarily know how to give them the tools to do that. But I mean, it's better messaging than some things, you know? Brian said, you should come up with like your own name, like a method, you know, 'cause there's all these like methods of therapy. I was like, well, I could see myself doing something like that in the future, but for now, it's just so much like symbiosis, you know? - That's true, you should. - Some method. - Yeah. Well, I probably would if I could come up with a cool name, but I'm gonna think about it. That's smart, he's smart. He's always thinking about money. - Such an innovator, you know, like, but I told him he has this narrative that's like, I'm the creator or, you know, my brain will create it, but I can't implement. I'm just not the implementer. I'm not good at that. And maybe that's not the strength and that's not where the passion is, but I was like, you know, I think if you just did more collaborating and delegating, you could do some pieces of that with some checks and balances, but you have done everything by yourself your whole life. That's the same brain that tells you you're not good enough for anything. So you think you wanna just spend time here? You want like my brain to join your party and, you know, license brain to join your party, you know? Like, what if we were the type of family who just sat on a fucking brainstorming, creative shit to do together? Like, what's a passion project we could take on together? Whatever, like, what if we were that kind of family? Which is the type of family he's always wanted. So I'm like, let's step up, brah. - Do that. - We can do that. And I've gotten my boys like, they're like, add attention, like money. Tell me what you do, brah. You know, I'm like, hey. - That's like us, John Doe does the same thing with the boys. Only one of the boys does it though. But yeah, he's always like, all right. 'Cause he's the same way he's like, if we're gonna be giving these kids money, like let's get them learnin' something. - Yeah, I mean, yeah. - Them Aquarius is, man. I love it so much. Like, I was thinking about that today, like how I told you, like, you know why we like them, right? 'Cause they make us brave. (laughing) - It's so true. It's so true. - They're good, man, little fuckers. - It's so nice to like, not be mad at him all the time, you know? Like, I get to appreciate every good thing about him now. - And I bet he likes that you're not mad at him all the time too. - I think he does, I think he just wants to make you so happy. - Well, it's funny because I don't know if he's actually grumpier now, or if I'm just like, noticing shit from a different perspective, but like in the mornings, he's pretty grumpy, you know? And he's actually like getting like, gruff with me where he didn't use to, but of course I'm like, felt, you know? Like, I'm tired too. I mean, we've had a couple a little, and I do not let it go on all morning. Like I use, it's like, okay, I'm sorry, you know, whatever. But it's funny because I think he is like, he feels safe enough to kind of be bitchy sometimes now. That's a big deal. He's always had to be perfect, you know? And it shows that he's accessing feelings more because before he was stoic, I wasn't gonna know that anything I did bothered him. You know what I mean? - I'm healing? - Oh, fuck yeah, he, well, to himself, real men choose when to feel and when to doubt. That was his programming. So yeah, he didn't allow himself to feel it at all. But if he did, you don't show that it affected you. Now he will, but yeah. Then it was like, you can't face me. And I was like, I'm gonna phase you. Like I'd be doing the silent treatment and he'd still just try and try and try to talk to you. You remember that one time I didn't talk to him for almost two weeks? (laughs) - I just feel that too. - How did he be able to do it? Oh my gosh. - Oh, I got, that's what I'm saying. He taught me how to be avoidant, you know? Like you can only handle so much fucking rejection from being the ancient catcher. So I just detached. And I was depressed, so it was easy too, you know? It was like, I don't really like my life anyway. So that's fine. - I think you're in such a better place now. I'm glad that you left all of the, I think what we do with our days and work is actually so impactful on us and our families. I feel bad for all of these people that are struggling in jobs that they don't like and they don't get fulfillment from and they get a whole bunch of frustration and that reinforces that they're not good enough and then they come bring that shit home and-- - You're exhausted. - Yeah. - It's awful. - You don't have time for anybody. - You don't have time for anybody. - Yeah. - But nothing. 'Cause you're not even giving to yourself at that point. - Right. - Everything is taking everything you have to give. - Yeah. - And your job was like that before and it didn't give you any opportunity to like experience all of this, you know? - Right, yeah, for seven years. I mean, even, you know, that last bit like full-time hospice, it just wasn't fulfilling like this anymore, you know? I just needed to grow. But I think that's why I had to get to the place of stress financially that I got to because I had to check in and be like, but I still would rather this than that and I'm not any less valuable because I'm not making money. Like, you know, and just really kind of doing that work before I could even start to make money because what would have happened is I would have just spent it all. So, you know, I told Brian like, there's always going to be fluctuations in my income. We need to stay prepared for that, you know what I mean? So, yeah, no, absolutely it's, that's why I'm trying so fucking hard to get everybody I can in alignment. Like if you're not pursuing yourself and your passions and your purpose, what is the fucking point in any of this? What's the fucking point? Because that's where I'm at. I'm only 44. That's a lot of life left. 20 years is a long time if that's all I have left. To be, I wouldn't even make it. But why would I want to be on this earth when I'm not like what, just every day, you just wake up at six and you, you know, drink your ice coffee and then you do your job and then what, pet your dog? Every day, that's just it. It's a lot of, I think, a whole lot of things. I actually get my dogs a lot now, but, you know, I was, you know, and I know I'm different. I know I've always felt like I had a purpose where not everybody does, you know, not everybody feels that. Brian told his mom in high school like, I think some people are just filler and I think that's me. Yeah, he didn't think he had a purpose. I don't know that he still feels like he really does. He doesn't feel like he's filler. He feels like he makes an impact, but what's his purpose? You know, I don't know that he's figured that out yet, but I'm like then seek your passion right now. Purpose is developed through your passion. And I said, you're not making enough time for fun in your brain. You need creativity and you need this opportunity to teach people things. You love to teach people things, you know? I'm like, he has ideas and we've had ideas and whatever, but he's scared of things, you know? And I'm like, mm-mm. That's why you have a whole fucking posse now. You know, we're building a network of a posse. Like that's why I'm like, okay, I'm really hoping that like, I mean, I just want to put this in the universe, especially like if Reina ends up listening in the episodes before she comes on. I couldn't even be Reina's friend, if I'm being honest. And I'm like, I want to align with people like that, you know? Like how many people can say they're doing what we're doing? You know, when we're doing both parts of it, like our emotional shit and then like our life shit and you realize it's all the same. It's one and one, it all goes hand in hand. And like I'm so fortunate to even have you and Brian and John Doe. Like, I mean, him starting his thing for, you know, Brian and then him and you. And I'm like, I was surprised when you did it. I mean, honestly. - I was curious too. - You had to ask, you know, you really require security. And yeah, we took a big step. And I've never been more proud of your ass 'cause I was like, mm, he did that. Thank you. Like I just like in my heart, I was like never to him because I'm like, she needed that so fucking bad, you know? So I'm just, yeah, dude, like this is what we need though. We need more people. We need a posse. We gotta build one. And like Teresa's talking about getting certified in injectables and then like, you know, starting our own clinic. And I was like, yo, you know I wanna women's wellness center. You know I wanna do that at some point. So like, so smart. - That's a partnership, you know? That's why I just felt like the right thing to do to like partner with Deborah. Because she's an amazing teacher. She's always, she's sad, serious. You are business minded. You know, you're smart and you think quick and y'all know how to be political. You know, like y'all can play that game really well. I used to but it's just, I can't anymore for my mental health because I have to live in my truth at all times or else I will fall into people pleasing tendencies. So for me, I can't do it. And I, and I don't have any interest in it. But I'm so glad that the people I love do and are and help me with opportunities because I'm not gonna go kiss anyone's ass really. I'm attracting, I'm not chasing and it's coming. I know that it is because I already feel my fingerprint being made, you know? And I'm gonna own that. I'm not, I'm not, I am not anything other than I feel a light and it's working through me. You know, like I'm just aligning with my purpose and that's what happens when you're doing what you're supposed to do. That's why you have the brain you have because the world needs your gift. But you're not out there doing mental health work and I love that because that's what I want people to see. It doesn't have to be what I'm saying, passion and purpose. Whatever that is, if you love numbers, go. Teach women how to be good at numbers. Whatever, you know, Shara, she wanted, she's been in cells for, I need to get in with her, but you know, like she's done it forever and she's like, I wanna teach women how to be good at this 'cause you face unique challenges as a woman in this field. And I'm like, yes, please go do. You know, easy it is to set up a masterclass, so easy. And then you just mark it the shit and it happens. Like you cannot go wrong if you are in alignment. You don't know though, if you're in alignment, if you're not doing that inside work 'cause you're doing it all for real fucked up reasons. Usually you're just gonna impress somebody, get approval, get praise, get validation, get love. Usually if you haven't done the work, that's what your motivators are. And no one's gonna reward that because that's not effort. That's just running the rat race, you know? - You can feel that in authenticity, you can feel it, that can attract people. - And I think that's what I'm starting to feel in spaces of work that I enter sometimes. Being around another person's experience in their workplace, I'm like, okay, I don't like it because I can feel the unhappiness here, you know? Like none of you are happy, dude. - That's why I wanna do more professional development with teachers, with therapists, with doctors. You know, these people are the people looked at like as authority and they're causing some more harm sometimes, you know? - You know, if you did have your own method, could you have some sort of like a teacher certification that went along with early childhood stuff that you could put people through? You know what I mean? You could kind of do your own. - I mean, yeah, but that, I don't know that like, it would take a lot of advocacy work probably to get a school board to like implement it. - Yeah, you wouldn't have to have the school board do it. You could just do it separately. 'Cause there are like a separate certification that just makes you feel good for getting it. - Yeah. - Yeah, I really wanna look into, well, you know, I wanna go back to that retreat idea that I had had a while ago, where I start like, shit, I guess I kind of forgot I wanted to do my own conference. - Yeah. - Which is, I just wanna make like a more global impact. I don't know, does that sound braggy? - I don't know, but you don't know. - Well, it's not my brain that created all of it. So it's not like I'm bragging that I made this method. I didn't fucking come up with those fucking concepts, you know? - Maybe you didn't come up with the concept, so you did come up with the methodology and you know what I mean, like how you implement it, a whole bunch of people can look at something and see different things. So I wouldn't discount yourself first of all. - That's true, that's true, but I don't feel like I'm like responsible for, it's a collaboration. I mean, truly, like this is what, I want people to build off, I wanna learn because somebody's like, yeah. And then like I said, something that made them, I'm like, I thought about that shit, you know? - Yeah. - I wanna keep learning, obviously. I mean, I do, I learn every day and that's, I wanna get that out there. - You know, you should do like a TikTok series on the shadows, like, I wonder if you could think of some for whatever your method is, like whatever you do, create a TikTok for that. - Yeah. - And just do like a different series of different like, I don't know, because I think part of the thing that was impactful for me was like reading through and it's like, oh, you know, his examples, whatever, and then it's like, oh. Well, I thought about it like that, that makes sense. Like just real world applications for stuff, like I just feel of it. And if you did something like that and you just applied it to teaching, like, you know what I mean? Like, back and you have a kid that does this, like, perhaps think about this and here's how this, whatever and just like little like daily, like. - Yeah. - I don't know. I would listen to that. I thought so fascinating for me. But just like learn how to apply it. - Well, but see, that's why I'm pushing the, you have to do the work yourself first. - Yeah, for sure. - Like here's work for you, ask yourself these questions and then now ask yourself these questions about that kid. - That goes into that whole ad about, you know, point of view, you want to help, you know, make this the best school year, whatever, whatever, whatever. And it's like, oh, actually the answer is you. Like, let's figure this out. I'm like, okay, interesting. - I'm excited. Big things are fun. - Yeah, we have a bazillion things. Yeah, that you could do. I mean, that's why I don't want to lose time to focus on it. But keeping my weekends pretty free in my Friday evenings. - Yeah, about that out. - So I think that's good, you know? But like, you know, work in all the other evenings, but that's fine. - Only like six to nine. - You know what I mean? Like six to nine, that gives me three to six with Charlie. And then like I get to pick her up from school, you know? All right. Well, I hope you have a fabulous Friday. - Thank you. I hope you do too. Just enjoy it. It was such a good update. - Good. I feel like I'm monopolized by just, I needed to share. - I love it. - I'm coming. So there you go. - That's what I do. I make people cry. You're good for my reputation. I love you. - Love you too. - Bye. - Bye. (upbeat music) - Hey, hey, hey, what do you say? Listen. First and foremost, please make sure that you have provided this podcast with a five-star rating on whichever platform that you are listening. If you want to support the show, please rate, like and share. Also like, comment and share on any social media posts that you see for me on Instagram or Facebook or TikTok. Please follow the podcast Facebook, emotionally unavailable podcast. You can shop my foot online, store or schedule a one-on-one with me, emotionally unavailablepodcast.org. I'm offering what I'm calling non-traditional counseling, astrology readings, and tarot readings, and self-publishing services. And thank you so much for listening to the emotionally unavailable podcast. (upbeat music) ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ Hope you enjoyed that episode with me and Jane Doe. That is all I'm gonna say. So until next time, let's all just keep swimming. (upbeat music) i-n-d-e-p-e-in-cut