Not Your Common Conversation Podcast
Episode 23 | “Reflect & Adjust”
(upbeat music) - Hey there, you lucky listeners. We just wanted to give you something special, kind of back to our roots. So this episode is just Omar and myself, just really being who we are in the first place in regards to this show and not your common conversation. You know, we've had guests on year in reflection. We've had guests. We've had, you know, my man Brandon and Dominic Mendez in the house and we plan on having some other folks coming to you. And so, yeah, this episode is really, Omar and I just, going back to what we intended this podcast to be, and that's just having these vulnerable conversations about life and who we are and share and maybe inspire someone to be vulnerable to someone else. I'll speak for Omar, 'cause I know him, we've talked. I would say that we feel like being vulnerable is probably one of the most powerful ways you can be with someone, especially someone that you love, someone that you care about. Friends, family, just really being vulnerable means being, I dare say, authentic, being real. Taking off, you know, whatever veneer or representation of what you think you want to be or what you want people to think, but just be present to who you are in that moment and whatever that is for you. So, yeah, please sit back, relax and enjoy. (upbeat music) What's happening, what's happening, what's happening, what's happening, good people, lucky listeners. We are coming to you live here with my partner, Omar Henderson. I'm Chris Downing. I feel like, what we gotta say, be so formal, we can just say. - Hey y'all. - Hey y'all. - Welcome to that Omar. - Exciting episode. - Hi, Chris. - Magic conversation. I was a little late on that, but this time. - That's okay. - All right, so look here, we wanted to do this podcast. I wanted to do this podcast because we've been doing podcasts with our good friends, our brothers in crime, Brandon and Dom, Dominic, and so I wanted to, you know, sort of get back to the basics with you man and not so much talk about, 'cause we've been talking about, it's been very politically heavy. - Yeah, yeah, there's been a lot going on, you know. - Yeah, it has been a lot going on. - And yeah, it's, I think, you know, we've been sidetracked by it, so to speak, distracted by it. - It definitely holds us captive. I think everybody, that's what's crazy about it. I mean, politics definitely had its, in my lifetime had its, you know, ups and downs and a little bit of controversy. I mean, I remember Nixon and, but we say we weren't talking about politics. But I mean, it's easy to do, it's been so polarized. But yeah, I wanted to, I wanted to more get into a conversation more about, you know, what we're feeling, what we've been experiencing. I know with my own self, I've been experiencing health challenges. - Yeah. - And my back, I mean, I've just let everybody know, my back, I had the great idea to save a little money and purchase some mulch from Lowe's. I think I can say it, no plug. But earlier this year in the spring, and those, the three, two or $3 that I saved on each bag, 'cause they were almost $2 and something. I was proud of myself. I ended up getting 60 bags and 60 bags later, my back was tweaked, tweaked in a way that, I mean, I've had back issues all my, let me for the last 30 years or so. - Right. - And this time I noticed as I get older that the recovery takes longer. - Oh. - And this time it's taken, it, there it hasn't recovered. It didn't, I didn't bounce back. I'm still having pain in my back now that I'm, I've got back surgery scheduled. I'm still contemplating whether I want to even do it. - Right. - I got, you know, essentially six, seven weeks to decide before it's scheduled. And so I'm like, you know, I'm, you know, all kinds of thoughts come up in my head, you know? So I'm going back anyway, just to say everybody, I'm going back, I made an appointment to go back to my primary doctor. - Okay. - 'Cause I wanted to, I kind of wanted to get, I wanted to get her to refer me to a second, second opinion. - Okay. - One second opinion. - Gotcha. - Oh, this sounds better when I went by the mic, right? - Yeah. - Yeah, I want a second opinion. And I want to, I've taken therapy again, I'll do my life 30, about 30, 35 years. And I think it's, I think it's, I think, you know, when I do therapy, it has worked in the past. Although this time seems very much different. - Right. - I mean, this has been, this is long term. Usually it's like, you know, within weeks really, a month at the most, but this has been about four months. And so, it has definitely caused concern. I've got, I've even taken reluctantly, 'cause I never did it in the past. I took the shots at the enduro, not to court his own, some other flamatour. - Anti-inflammatory. - Anti-inflammatory. - Right. - And so it's weird. I'm not even sure about these doctors. I'm really suspicious of the doctors that I've been, 'cause they've been wacky. You know, one didn't put a prescription in. I mean, it took like a week to get a prescription that he told me to go get. And it was just weird, it's a lot of confusion. So I'm nervous quite frankly about them. And so, when I think about it, and so, I'm just really, I don't know if anybody else out there has dealt with back issues, but it's a, have you ever had any back issues? - I mean, I have, and fortunately for me, they're not, it never got really bad. I mean, I did go to a chiropractor and he gave me some exercise to do because I have a little bit of arthritis in the lower back. But some of the things that I've learned over time is, so over time, we have these habits of how we go through life. - Okay. - Are daily emotions, like how you get out of bed, how you get dressed, how you stand in certain positions. You know, when you're doing tasks, whatever positions. And over time, those things begin to wear away your body. And so, what do you have? - You're saying positions? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, like the how you posture yourself. - Okay, right, sure. - Yeah, how you posture yourself. - How you walk. - How you walk. How you put on your clothes. How you stand, you know, there are certain things like it's common, like for me, it's common that if I'm standing in front of a computer, there's a posture that I stand in front of the computer with. And it's always that way. It's always that way. And so, we begin to do these postural things and subconsciously, and it starts to wear our bodies away. It's like a repetitive motion injury. So, in order to alter that, you have to be mindful of what, or I have to be mindful of what I do on a daily basis. How I get out of bed. What I do when, before I get out of bed, how I get dressed, how I stand. Like one of my, like my left leg is not as straight as my right leg. So, as a result of that, the joint pants. - Cool pants, man, by the way. - Oh, thanks. The, I was gonna say the same about yours. I really liked it. - Oh, thanks, man. - Are those golfers pants? - They are golfers, man. - Yeah, the one in the docks I wear. - Those aren't golfers, man? - No, these are just landing pants from J. Crew. - Oh, okay, all right. - J. Crew plug. - Oh, yeah, for sure. - So, go ahead. - Anyway, yeah, I really like those, 'cause they're, you know, you can wear them in the summer. - Yeah, they got that cool. - They're basically some elastics. - Yeah. - This is tea, elastics, whatever the word is. - So, anyway, you got to watch the repetitive motions that you do in the repetitive stances that you do. - Well, certainly the ones that aren't good for you, aren't good. - But you don't know that they're not good for you at the time. - I mean, you know that you should stand tall. You got to stand tall, you got to elongate. - Yeah, you do, bud. - And it's hard to do all the time, especially when you start getting older and shit starts, you know. - Well, the left side is as good as the right side. - Okay, so remember when we were all carrying backpacks? - Yeah. - Okay, so you notice how he would carry backpack on one side of their body? - I'm guilty of that. - Okay, cool. So then what happens is that you end up putting more weight on the other side of the body to compensate for the fact that you got a backpack full of whatever. - Not even thinking about it. - Not even thinking about it. - But over a period of time. - Over a period of time. - The party starts making some weird, unnatural adjustment. - Exactly. - And the next thing you know. - And so the irony is different than the right. - So the irony was for me, not the irony, but the thing, so I would always carry my backpack on my left shoulder. - Right. - Which would have me lean to the right. - Right. - So then when my arthritis kicked in and my sciatica kicked in, it often happened on the right side. - Okay, yours is on the right. - Mine was on the right. - The right is all on the left. Right now I'm feeling a tingly numbing feeling in my fingers. - That's your neck. - Down my arm. - That's your neck. - Well, it's all connected. It's a straight line. It's coming from literally the sole of my foot. Actually, it's starting from the top and it feels like it's going down. Sometimes when I stand up, it feels like there's things trickling down my leg. - Yeah. - Like almost like liquid. - Right. - Like I'm peeing on myself. - Yeah, right. - I'm sorry. I mean, it does. And it's down my thigh, down my back half of my calf, all the way to the sole of my feet, which feel like there's something bunched up where I'm walking on marbles and stuff. - Right, right, right. - And so you want to get your neck checked out too. - I mean, this is, you know, this is, that's why I'm concerned. I mean, this is, and all the way to your brain, by the way. It's not going to stop at your neck. That same cord is what connects us all. - Yeah. - I mean, they're really dealing with one of the most critical parts of my body. - You have the central nervous system. - Yeah, and I'm like, "Whoa, guys. "Wait a minute. "You're telling me, eh, you got to be..." I'm just, they're not making me that. I'm not, I'm not that impressed. I've been, you know what I mean? - Not that kind of people about it. - Like, when I had cancer, the doctors that came in were just like, I mean, shout out to Dr. Page. Shout out to Dr. Millard. Shout out to Dr. Farrell. I mean, these guys were amazing. - They instilled you with confidence. - They really did, I mean, the whole team, the whole team of doctors over at John Hopkins, I mean, just a man. So, and so I just want to say this, that people, when you go to the doctors or any things, you have to be an advocate for yourself. I can't say it enough. Like, you've got to talk to these people, like, not just like somebody's coming in and do something and fix you up and then go out. Like, it's, you know, you got to tell these people, you got to establish, case of point, doctors, most doctors I deal with, I go, hey man, how you doing? Hey, hey, hey, doctor, so-and-so, how's things going? What, you know, and so with all my doctors doing my cancer, I felt like they were my friends. They, and we enjoy talking to each other to the point, they were like, of course I got to go. - Yeah. - I mean, this is a great conversation. 'Cause I want to engage them so they know who I am, so that I'm likable, that's very important, that I'm likable that they want to care for me. - All right, okay. - They want to like, oh, this guy is, he's a cool guy. I want to, I want to put my best foot forward. - Well, it's funny you should say that, because as I listen to my docs dictate after they see their patients, they often follow up. One of the first lines is they say, you know, very nice, young, pop, pop, or very pleasant, blah, blah, blah. - Right. - And so, you know, that does- - I think it helps, not all the time, but, you know. - Yeah, yeah, it definitely helps, it definitely helps. You know, you're dealing with all kinds of people, so you have people that are more confident, you have some that are less confident. You know, it's interesting, because I work in healthcare. - Yes, you do. - Sometimes I ask my patients, how are you? And their response is, sometimes, their response is, well, that's what you're gonna tell me. And I'm like, no, no, no, I'm no, no. - No, you tell me. - Yeah, you tell me. - You're living inside yourself. - Exactly, exactly. You're living inside yourself, you know? You're not, you're not a car. You're a human being, remember? You're not an object. You're a human thing that can relate to, relate what you want to, yeah. - Yeah, exactly, exactly. So, yeah, but I gotta say, Chris, you know, I watch you dealing with your back pain, and I might hats off to how resilient and determined you are not around your health, but around everything else. Like, you're not letting it stop you. - No, no, no, no, no, I mean, listen, man, I've had some, these months have been challenging. Seriously, I have, when I think about giving up work, then you know something's wrong with me. - Right. - I like what I do, you know, and, you know, for all to the purposes, I'm a, I'm a, you know, I have my own business. You know, I've always had it, but I'm also, I work with, you know, our contract people out. - Right. - But I'm the guy who goes out and gets the jobs, and so, you know, I call myself a glorified freelancer. I mean, that's kind of what you are sometimes when you're an entrepreneur, you know? - Yeah, totally. - And I say freelancer, and I like the world free, I know people, I like the world free, it means that I'm free enough to lance my own shit. I can create my own, I'm free to do that. Nobody, whatever the lance means, that I'm a freelancer, I'm creating, I'm, you know, the old saying, eating what you kill, what you eat, or whatever. - Yeah. - But anyway, back to the health thing, man. So, you know, it's important for me to be healthy, and listen, I'm a human being. I, you know, I like a piece of cake like everybody else, or whatever that is, but I know it's about balance, and so what's really, as my health takes on these challenges, my body takes on these challenges, it's forcing me to be more serious, and I've been very serious about my health, but it's been, have been flow sometimes, you know, you know, especially in my younger years, I had discipline, you know, fast and eat certain ways. - Right. - Now I don't do that as much, somebody asked me the other day, Joy, you asked me the other day, what's the last time you fast and prayed? And I was like, oh damn, I mean, I pray, I guess what I need to pray lately, but I haven't prayed, you know, this time I pray pretty, you know, in my life, I pray regularly, like it was part of my ritual, and meditated, and yoga, I don't do any of those things anymore. So it's, I feel like my health is, is, has been under the climb because I haven't, - You changed your routine. - I changed my routine, that was because of my back, and so my back, - See your back? - Yeah, my back has been really bad, my back has been bad for, but over the last two years. - It's gotten worse. - Two and a half years. You know, I got, I hurt my back, I didn't, I stopped practicing, I don't practice yoga like I used to over the last two years. - Right. - I might have gone here and there, but I don't, it's, it's, because it hurts. - Yeah. - But to your point of moving around, I say people move anyway, 'cause that's what all the doctors say. You got to move, the good thing about you as a patient, they say is that you are active, you seem, they can tell by my energy. - Right. - So I'm, you know, I'm moving around. - Yeah, yeah. - And, but today, I did, I did an exercise that I, I do, that I learned in my last physical therapy class, which was beginning of this year, it was at the end of that particular thing, a cycle of therapy, and, and I did some, when you put your leg, you lay on your back, and you put your leg in this sort of like harness strap, and you pull your leg up, and I hadn't did it in about a week, close to a week, and it, my body tightened up. It's been tightened up, which the more, the tighter your body is, the more the pain is there. - Yeah, exactly. - So you got to keep moving, so you can keep mobility, so it doesn't, which makes sense, totally mechanical. I imagine the cars, like, they say you, you got to, even though you got, I got two cars having to have two cars, old car, old '99 land crews that get you one, and it's, and it's, you know, they say you got, you got drive the car, you got it, the car needs to be, if you just let it sit there, everything's gonna tighten up, it's gonna, you know, seize up, so, I mean, the same thing with the body. The body has, I mean, you know, you look at a car engine, you get confused, but imagine what the body has, just amazing parts, and things, and liquid, and I mean, I don't know anything else in the world that's constructed like the body, like a living, like, I mean, humans have a serious, I mean, we're serious machines, and fluently machines, like, you know, we're mostly water. - Right, as is, as most living things. - Yeah, but yeah, no doubt. - But anyway, so that's just a little thing about health. I don't know, you wanna say anything else about health. I mean, health's important, man. - No, it is important. - I like to give these more stories. - It is important. - I realize, so I realize in that the less rest that I have, the more susceptible I am to feeling, yeah, the feeling ill. - Yeah, me too. - Exactly, so. - You can feel it, right? - Yeah, you can, yeah, exactly. - You can feel your body being vulnerable. - Exactly, exactly. So, you know, rest and water and exercise have been very important for me, and I've been really fortunate. I mean, I'm 66 years old and-- - You look great, by the way. - Yeah, yes, thank you. - You look fantastic. - Yeah, yeah, thank God for that. - I forget sometimes that you're 100 years old. I'm like, God, man, this kid is 100, and he's hanging. - Oh, yeah, I'm fortunate for that. And, you know, I hope that I can sustain this. You know, it's really interesting because lately I've had, I've seen quite a few of my patients who are, you know, in their 70s and 80s. And, you know, except for a few aches and pains, they look pretty good. - They look pretty good. - Yeah, and so I'm inspired by them to keep my health up and, and, you know, can, you know, like reducing smoking or eventually leading to quitting smoking, you know. - Right, right, right, right. - And today, one of my co-workers calculated, just without me asking, he calculated how much caloric intake I should be receiving, you know, on a daily basis. And so that was inspiring. So, yeah, I mean, you know, I've been, yeah, yeah. I've been fortunate up till now. And hopefully, you know, moving on to the future. But, you know, it's the older we get. - So, you balance, I balance health concerns with just living and living and being present. 'Cause at the age of 66, there's a tendency to worry about the future and worry about the fact that these are the waning years of life and that, you know, and then you, you know, every time you turn around, you hear about somebody dying and, and then the concern comes up for me, well, when is my time going to be and all of that? - Right, right, right. - You know, that is there, right? - That is there. - That's the rabbit's there. - Hold on a second, don't skip over it. - But if I get, but if I get stuck in that, - Right. - That means I'm not present. - To what's, yeah. - To what's right here, right now, 'cause that's all I got. - Which is the living, by the way. - Yeah, exactly. - Exactly. And, you know, I could go on and say, well, gee, I wish I had taken on this posture when I was in my twenties and thirties. And what the posture that I mean is being present because at the time, I think, as human beings, we're always worried about the future. - Right. - Always worried about the future. - What's next? - What's next? - Or the past, oh, we're stuck in the past. - Oh, yeah, well, you know, the point of the matter is we're never present to right now. - Yeah, right, right, right. - We're regretful and guilty about the past and we're worried and anxious about the future. It's like-- - It's great. - It's not even great, say that again. - Yeah, we're regretful and guilty about the past. - Yeah. - Or, you know, we're worried and anxious about the future. - We're worried and anxious about the future. - You know, that is crazy. - I shouldn't have done that, that was so stupid. Oh my God, I better get this ready for that or what's gonna happen when this happens. You know, and we worry. We sit in a space of worrying about what? - Yeah. - And so what gets totally missed is right now, like right now, like right now. - Yeah, and it's hard to be your real self when you're in those, the past and in the future. - I mean, past and in the future, if you're present, you're there, like, there is no real self because it's being made up right then and there. It's the, it's right. You're bringing the wrongness right there. - Right there. - And so, yeah, I mean, really, that's a great, and this is part of health. I mean, we compartmentalize it as mental health, but it's health in general. - Yeah, and that's the mental health is what helps in a lot of ways with the physical health. - Yeah. - You know, how you think, what's the head of the crown thinking that would affect the rest of the body, the body of body, you know? - Totally, totally. You know, it's so funny 'cause I find that lately, first of all, I'll say this, that for years I've heard, you know, when you want to have friends, you want to associate with people that are going to be a contribution to you, and I'm saying it, I'm paraphrasing it differently, and that's why I appreciate our friendship because I feel like hanging out with you has allowed me to reflect and adjust, not to keep up with you, not to compare with you, but to be more of and to see more of what's in the way of what it is and who it is I want to be, or yeah, who I want to be, and not want to be like in the future, want to be like someday, but like right now, right here. And so one of the things that has, what's been going on lately with regards to this whole health and mental health and all that for me is really taking the time to let what I'm hearing sink in before I react. - Damn, that's deep, man. That just happened to me just a while ago. Literally, I wanted to comment on what you were saying, I'm doing it now, but I wanted to comment on what you were saying, and I just thought it rested for a second, and then you said that, and it was like, no, that's it, right there. - And I mean, even, you know, so even like, and I know you've said this to me a bazillion times, and you're probably, and I know you're going to be like, I told you, even in my base playing, it's like calm down, you know, just be cool, be calm, you know, because I feel like this in my mind is like, oh, I got to say something every move of the way. No, you don't, I really don't have to say something every step of the way. Just relax and groove and be in the moment. - And the great thing about base playing is, I get to create the moment by being in the moment. - Well, this is what's cool, you know what's cool, you said so, that's what you brought me to something. You know what's cool about art in general, I noticed, whether it's base playing, acting, anything art, painting, is that you really have to be present. - Oh yeah. - You do your best stuff, and so it challenges you because you want to get better, right? - Right. - There's a whole balance between kind of your ego and what you're trying to articulate because you've got to work through this language, right? - Yeah, right. - But you need the base playing, that's a language, whether it's keyboards, it's a language. And so you got to learn the language of playing a drum, right? - Yeah, right. - And so, and you've got to calm yourself down enough to get that so that you can articulate. And so, it's a really cool, I mean, I think it's for anybody, that's why young kids and all that. It's really, it really, let's say this about, if you notice jazz musicians, there's a maturity about them because there's a seriousness that they've got, is it along with a discipline? - Right. - That they've got to sign on to make it work, to be good. - Yeah. - Oh yeah. Well, you said what you said earlier was key, is that, you know, and this applies to any, I would say anything. You know, there is learning the language of that thing. - Yeah. - And then, and being comfortable with the level that you're at. - Oh, we're gonna watch Disney's, isn't that great? - Wow. - That just came on, that was crazy. - Being comfortable with the level that you're at. You know, so consider when you were a child and you first learned to speak, you didn't worry about, well, I don't know existentialism as a word yet. - Yeah, no, no, I don't know it now. (laughing) - She talking about, I'm trying to figure out what the hell you just, no, but go ahead and go, I've heard it before, I'm not sure I understand it. - Existentialism, yeah. You didn't worry about it, you just said B. You just said, well, he's not being or you're being, you know. - Right, right, right, right, right. - That's hard, that was, you were limited to that, which you knew. - Exactly. - But you were still trying to articulate and still have a feeling. - Well, but you were comfortable with what you knew. - But you were curious, you were curious, learned more. - Yeah. - But these are the tools you had. - These are the tools you got. - And so you just communicate with what you got. - Yeah. - You know, and then more will come with, so there's a patience and a curiosity. - And as you grow, and as time passes, and the attention that you put to that, you learn more. - You learn more, exactly. But as adults, they're the anxiety kicks in. I gotta learn more now. - Right, there's peer pressure. - No, yes, peer pressure. - I gotta catch up, I got some place to get all of it. - All of it. - And in the process, what gets totally missed is right here, right now. - Right here, right now. - Exactly, so, and it's interesting, 'cause for this week, so, okay. So this is gonna segue into what I wanted to talk about. - Okay. - So last Saturday, I was out at lunch, out of dinner with my wife. And I was looking, yeah, oftentimes when I go out with my wife, you know, there's not a lot that I had to say. I will listen to her talk more than anything. I'm just not, I'm not, I don't see myself as someone who I honestly think I don't hold a conversation beyond a certain amount of time, except, you know, in certain situations. But with my wife, who I'm here with, what I'm with, a lot, I kinda run out of things to say. And I noticed that there was a guy standing at a, anyway, there was a guy standing with two women. Clearly, he wasn't, like, necessarily intimately involved with either one of them, they were just good friends. And then there was two guys sitting here and they were just talking and drinking beer. And, you know, and I thought, you know, gee, I wish I was more engaging conversationally with people who were close to me, my wife, my kids, my sister, you know, all that stuff. And then I began to, I did a journey. - What do you mean? - I went back, I went in my head, I went back in time to when I chose to refrain from communicating. - Hmm, wow, okay, do too. - Yeah, yeah, okay, so. - This was good. - So, you know, when we were coming up, you always had, like, these, what we call Joan Sessions, right? - Yeah, you're Joan, you're Joan, man. I used to do some Joanie in my day, yeah. - See, you see, in that moment, I withdrew from communication. - Oh, somebody tried to engage you in Joanie or something. - So, yeah, somebody said something to me, and my feeling's got hurt, and I was like, - You shut down. - I shut down. - I was shut. - I was shut down. - I shut down. - You know what? - I shut down, and then-- - What's that thing you say, fuck it, or, oh. I can't remember, I'm gonna do it. - It'll probably come to you. - Yeah, it'll come to you. - It'll come to you. So, I shut down. - Yeah. - I shut down, and what I thought to myself was that cruel behavior. So, I shut down. - Right, you didn't like how you felt, how they were doing, and it felt cruel. - It felt cruel to me, and I said, I would never do that to someone else. All right, all right, there's number one. Then number two. Over time, I would just always be involved or be around when that would happen. And then, I noticed that conversations were just small talk. And because I, so, here's the key. By withdrawing from those zoning sessions, right, what I did was limit my ability to, number one, communicate and stand up for myself. - Yep. - I missed out on that opportunity. Or, yeah, I missed out on that. - So, I think that happened, here's what came, 'cause I can remember that, you know, I guess around this area, I don't know if it was, but definitely, in this region in DMV, people did that 70s, 80s, people joned on people, and it was like, I guess the dozens. - Yeah, that's what they call it. - Yeah, there's the dirty dozens and dozens. - And so, yeah, people did that. And I remember around the first time it happened to me, I mean, it happened early on, a little bit in elementary school, but then, definitely, Junior High, people started joning and stuff like that. - Yeah. - And I would find a way, they would call me Horse Head. I'd come in the class, be like, "Ee!" (laughing) One girl did that. I used to jot, you know what I used to do? - All right. - I would laugh at it. I'd be like, "Okay, you got me." That's a good one right there. I got, "Best believe there's something coming at you." I'm gonna throw the shoe right back, I'd say, "You ain't gonna see it coming." So, once I started doing that, people were like, "Whoa!" Okay, like, let me think before, but I would turn it into laughter. I did that, as I think about it, I did that a lot in my life. I would turn serious shit into laughter. - Right, right. - And so, I could disarm people that way. - Right, yeah. - I could always just, and then I would come around to the side, and they would feel that side punch, and they'd be like, "Oh, shit, yeah, yeah, yeah, "you can back them off me, I can absorb, "I can let you know, I can take it, "but I can give it to." So, I just want you to love, you're gonna punch, we're both gonna punch. I'm gonna punch back. - Yeah, well, the great thing about that is, you learn how to craft a conversation, or craft what you wanna say, and not be shut down, so you got to be expressive. - Yeah, exactly, you got to be expressive. - But I think that's happened, what you just mentioned is probably happened to a lot of people, have shut down. I know there were girls that got teased at, and stuff about some because they weren't enough for this, or that, that they thought in that moment, and they got teased, and they just didn't talk for the rest of the year, they didn't talk to anybody. - Exactly, exactly. - And you'd be like, you know, and I would always approach those girls, and be like, "Yeah, right." One, 'cause I was just a dude, I was just a hound, I'd be like, "Pss, pss, walk it down the hill." I'd be like, "Pss, pss, pss, pss, pss, pss, pss, pss." I don't really, I don't really believe all that shit. I don't knock down at all that, but I, 'cause I think you're cute. - Uh-huh, right, right. - Next thing you'll be talking about something common, and next thing you know, I'd be kissing, making out like, "This worked out great." You know? - That's where I went. So many of my daughters started back then. - Oh my God. - And so, I just didn't let you know. And so, but yeah, that's interesting. You got to be expressive, but there were times I certainly were, I was embarrassed about something. - Right. - And so, that's what that does. It shut you down, especially at that early age. - Yeah, I wasn't, I remember, I was caught by surprise, when it happened. I was really caught off-garden by surprise, when it, the first time it happened. And I was like, "Well damn." And I felt like my friends were all seasoned in this. - Right, right, right, right. - And I was like, "What the hell is happening?" (laughs) - Y'all, where did y'all live in this stuff? - Right. - What the hell is this? - He just goes, "No, no, it's calling each other names." - Yeah. - And so, what do you want to know about this? - It's like, where is it? - It's come from. - It's exactly, and I was like, I'm not prepared for this. (laughing) - I'm not ready for this. - That's some funny show. - I'm just gonna bow out. - Yeah, I'm not playing with y'all. - Exactly. - I'm not playing with y'all. - Exactly. - No, I used to go right toe to toe, man, to people who's like, you know, you know, I think my brother, (beep) and I like that. He didn't, I shouldn't even mention his name, but 'cause he doesn't like me right now, but he'll get over it. - He's still there. - But anyway, I love him, if he's listening. - Yeah, I don't think he took that on. Like, he didn't wanna, 'cause he was big guy, big, good looking guy, and took himself seriously. He was a great sport and sports and stuff like that, and I don't know, but it just seemed like he didn't wanna play that game. - Oh, really? - And I could get to him. I could get under his skin and start a drone. All I do. - It's funny. (beep) It's really sensitive. - He's a sensitive dude. - He's a sensitive dude. - Very sensitive. - You know, it's funny because I've known in all my life that he says, but he tries to appear as the big macho guy. - Yeah, right. - You know, he's the big guy. So I'm like, well, wait a minute, how you gonna be a big macho guy and sensitive at the same time? - Right. - It's okay to be the macho guy, but sometimes, am I growing up with be the macho jerk at the time, say inappropriate things and situations and be like, yeah, what? And then it'd be like, and then it'd be like, you know, some awkward situation and somebody says something about him and slinging back as well. He's like, you know, he gets all serious. - All right. - You know, he's mad now. I'm mad. I'm like, well, if you're gonna give it out, aren't you gonna, you gotta take it too. - Exactly. - It goes both ways. She goes both ways, my friend. - Exactly. - And so if you're just gonna be like shut down, I'm like, I'm not planning anymore. That's, to me, that's some punk shit. It's like, yo, what are you talking about? - I'm not gonna play with you anymore. I don't ever want to talk to you again. - And so we used to do that when we were younger, but now as you grew up, you know, at this age, you know, it's like, 60s, it's like, come on, man. If you can't talk something out, anyway, I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go. I got a God bless, and I don't wanna make my brother wrong, 'cause he's like, you know, I know him. The other flip side of that, I know him as a good guy, you know. We had many enjoyable, he's part of my life. I mean, you know, he's part of my life. I mean, even for him not to talk to me, we don't have to be talking to each other, is not good for either one of us, because we can never erase our past and who we were. And it was just recently, anyway, why am I doing this? So anyway, man, mental health is super duper important. - Well, you know, so yes, it is. And it's little things like what we just spoke about that affect mental health. Like, how healthy are you socially? Are you withdrawn or are you aggressive? You know what I'm saying? Oh, I would say, you know, the balance is healthy. The imbalance is completely withdrawn or completely aggressive. - Yeah, yeah, that's a flip side of it. - Exactly, exactly, and wherever, you know, you lucky listeners find yourself in the spectrum. If you're, you know, too far right or too far left, and I don't mean politically, I mean, wherever the middle of the dial is, and it's a concern for you. - It's not a condemnation. - No. - And you're not condemned to be either too withdrawn or too aggressive, or too assertive. You're not condemned to that. It's just something to notice. - It's just something to notice. - It's just something to notice. And then the more you notice it, as you notice it, if you choose, there's something you can do about it, or not. - Amen. - Or not. - Listen. - But the point of it is, first of all, we gotta be comfortable with ourselves as we are in the moment. Just be comfortable with ourselves as we are in the moment. You know, one time my sister called me up as an example. She was about to retire. And she said, "I don't know what to do." Now, here's the key. In the midst of worrying about what to do, you really aren't giving yourself space or time or the energy to create, 'cause you're too worried about what to do. So imagine that in a social setting, say you're at a party. What do I do? You know, you're not giving yourself the space, the ability to be comfortable with just standing in the middle room. And I said to her, "How about nothing? "How about if you chose to do nothing? "How relieving would it be to accept "that I don't wanna do a damn thing?" - Especially when it's tied to an outcome. - Right, exactly. - Yeah, when it's tied to an outcome, because I said that in a meeting today, when something is tied to an outcome, this investment meeting, you tend to get emotional and think, be more tied to the outcome than thinking smart, making smart business moves. So you limit yourself. The other thing is, is that, and I had another conversation with a good friend who's just started a business with a partner, and it was like, remember mine just slipping away? So what we said, I just- - You said you had a conversation with a business partner or a person who started a business with a partner. We were talking about being in the moment and just being comfortable as opposed to not being attached to an outcome. - Yeah, yeah, well, not being attached to an outcome, and I can't remember what it is. God darn it, it just slipped away. - Oh yeah, well that happened. - So, yeah, this is twice a- (laughing) - Happened. - I think it was the cookie. So, yeah, so, yeah. - I mean, no, I mean, yeah, it's like, you can't get in the way of yourself, basically. You can't get in the way of yourself, and you've been, oh, this is what I was saying. I remember, came back, boom. - There you go. - You gotta get, is there something powerful about giving yourself permission to fail? - Yeah, yeah, oh my God. - It's something powerful in that. - Yeah, you know, that's interesting you should say that because I first heard that concept couple of years back, and I'm gonna break this, I'm gonna say this, and you know, it's like on a social level. - Yeah. - Bankers were willing to allow their white borrowers to fail by lending them money. - Sure, yeah. - But they weren't allowing that to African Americans. - No, I mean, that's a- - I mean, it's a whole 'nother conversation. - It's a whole 'nother conversation, absolutely. - It's, it's, it's, ah, ah! So, the key is, the point that I'm getting at is when your environment doesn't allow you to fail, then you don't allow yourself to fail. - Correct, correct. And you, just that, and so- - And there's more pressure that's- - That's one of the effects, those kind of things are one of the, could, director in direct ways that, that the lineage coming from slavery did the effects, those things. So you don't have that, you don't have, we're always in survival mode, it's black people. It's hard for us to get out of survival mode. That survival instinct has traveled through our lineage. And so it's hard for us to think like a boss, like an owner, because that's not the side that we were on. Our lineage was on the side of being a worker, and abuse, and all that went into that. And so for us to, us to, because we associate that honestly with the oppressor. And we're like, well, wait a minute. That's, I'm not instinctually sometimes. So we have to, when we start in the business, we have to stop, step aside, and I always ask, are you thinking like a worker? Are you thinking like a boss? - Right. - And that happens, just, 'cause we've been doing it. You know, and that means you gotta make, you know, much is given, much is required, so you gotta do the work. - Right. - But, yeah man, giving yourself permission, and part of that, like you mentioned, is being able to take some of the risks we're not, part of that survival is we're not used to taking risks. - Right. - We go, oh shit, I barely got enough to hug you. You want me to do a lot? Well, what happens, you know, we don't have any family members, you know, that might help out. We're like, I'll fall flat on my face, and I may not be able to get up. - Right. - So there's, when you're starting out, and you're trying to do these things, people, even people, I'm talking about people with, you know, large degrees, and smart people, and all that, but it's hard for them to get past feeling, having anxiety about leadership, and being in the present, and just not living with your fear, your past fear, 'cause that's what you have to do when you're boss. You have to live past your fear. There's a lot of things you don't wanna do, or you're scared to do, and you just gotta jump. - Yeah. - 'Cause that's part of it. - Well, that's what you call living into a future, but not worrying about a future. In the moment, the moment you're living in that future, then the future's now. - Listen, it's happening right now. - You worry, but you make the decision and not let the worry supersede your efforts, your motivation, you're like, I still gotta do this. - Right. - So I'm gonna jump, you know, it's like I gotta jump, I gotta believe in myself, and I gotta make these decisions. - Right. - That's past, what we're looking at in this meeting, looking at projections, and projections are great, but unless you actually have a track record and you've done it, you're just, they're projections, that's what they are. - Oh. - They're projections, they're just like, what you think happens if you do really well. - Yeah. - And what happens when you don't do really well, and it's a good chance that you won't, what are you gonna do, what's the X's right? - Well, yeah, some projections are based on past performance. I remember when I had my detailing business, and I had a client, and they were a landscaping company, and I was talking to the manager, and he said, well, our projected earnings for the next year is blah, blah, blah, right? And I was like, gee, how do you, you know, I was amazed at the fact that he, how did he do that? But then they were looking at the growth of the business over the previous years, as opposed to the contracts that they were gonna fulfill on in the next year coming, and so, yeah, and that's something that you, that's something that you have to live into. You can talk about projections, and then you take the steps to fulfill your projections. - Well, you gotta do it, and that's the jumping in part, especially when you're for the first time you're doing it. Now, you try to make some great calculations, but, you know, as best as possible. And so, anyway, I don't want it, we don't have to go down there, I mean, but those are the kind of things as an investor, and this was the context of an investor, you know, you've given me projection, me seeing this on paper, and you're not coming with the track record, it makes it more of a riskier proposition for me, and so, those are the thing, anyway. - Well, you know, I'm gonna tie that into mental health, and I'm gonna tell you how to tie it into mental health, and I'll share from my own experience. So, on the way to work this morning, you know, everything was happening fine, and my car right now has a mechanism that's not operating properly. And so, you know, I thought to myself, gee, I hope this holds up for the rest of the day. And then it hit me. Hope is when you don't exert your own power in something, but you want a good outcome, you know what I mean? - Hope is when you don't really exert your own power or exercise your own power in something, but you still want a good outcome. - That's interesting, that, yeah, I mean, yeah, 'cause that could be an empty hope, right? - Yeah, exactly, exactly. - I mean, what is it, hope without actions or whatever? - Right, right. And so, how does it-- - She's empty stuff. - And yet, that creates what? Anxiety. - Anxiety. - Don't think it's a trap. It's a trap, don't do it, yeah. It's a trap. Yo, man, we've had a great conversation, I'm glad we had this conversation. - Once again. - Once again, and it's been great. You're lucky listeners, we hope you got something from that. You know, it brings some sort of reasoning in your mind and I just want to, this is one of my, I don't know if this is one of my slogans, but I just want to let everybody know, treat yourself happy, be happy, treat yourself happy, treat yourself good, and try to default, I mean, listen, things happen in life. You know, we go through all the things of what it takes to be living and try to default to happiness, and try to forgive people. Try to forgive people. - Especially yourselves. - Especially yourself. - Especially yourself. Oh, oh, oh, last thing, last thing, last thing. You're talking about forgiving yourself. So we all go through moments, I'm assuming, I know I have, where I think about something in the past and I say, wow, that was stupid. I shouldn't have done that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, all that, does that happen to you? Like, you know, a memory from the past will come up and you kind of cringe. - And make yourself, what? - Yeah, you kind of cringe at it. You get all like, ah, I shouldn't have done that. - Right, right, right, right, right. - From the past, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, from the past. - Absolutely, yes. - So here's what I've been saying. That's not happening right now. - Yeah, I know. - It's not happening for me. - Well, yeah, it is. - Yes, in your mind. - Yeah, in reality, it's not happening. - It's not happening. - On the outside of you, it's not happening. - It's not happening. So that's what I've been saying to myself. - It's not happening right now, and then it just goes away. - Yeah. - It just goes away. - It just goes away. - It just goes away. So instead of cringing and going, oh, I shouldn't have done that. And then that leads to more thinking about it. - Yeah. - I just say, it's not happening right now. - Yeah, for sure, it's not happening right now. - It's not happening, yeah. Like your past, everything you blame your parents for, your family, whatever, it's not happening right now. - Yeah, every dumb move you made, every stupid word you said, every, whatever. It's not happening right now. - It's gone. - And you really can do that. And you can make shit disappear by not making it appear. (laughing) - Not making it appear. - It's not happening. - It's not happening right now. - Here's another thing. You can take that, that not happening. 'Cause that's like a blank state- - Exactly. - And create what you really want. - Create what's next. - What's next? - Right on, baby. - Let's go, right. - All right, folks. We hope you enjoy this other installment of "Not Your Common Conversation." We'll see you guys in two weeks. ♪ I listen to blue, got what I want to ♪ ♪ All the lucky listeners, what we doing for you ♪ ♪ Not your common conversation ♪ ♪ That's what they knew ♪ ♪ And we speakin' the truth ♪ ♪ Like they need us to do a ♪ ♪ Not your common conversation ♪ ♪ Not your common conversation ♪ ♪ Not your common conversation ♪ ♪ The world is born and beyond and beyond ♪ (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) [MUSIC PLAYING]