Expanding Horizons

The Father

In this Father's Day address, Kris asks : - "What are fathers meant to be?- What makes a good father?"Despite the merging of traditional "mothering" and "fathering" roles, old parenting stereotypes are still prevalent in much of society "out there!".Kris's suggestions about, insights into - and reflections on - being a Father and on Fatherhood leaves fathers with much to reflect on. It speaks to Fathers about Fathering. But it also speaks to parents and those who are yet to parent - about parenting and to those - like me - who've been there and who are about to celebrate the joys of Family, Children, Grandchildren - in what remains of this Father's Day.

Duration:: 23m
Broadcast on:: 01 Sep 2024
Audio Format:: mp3

In this Father's Day address, Kris asks : - "What are fathers meant to be?- What makes a good father?"
Despite the merging of traditional "mothering" and "fathering" roles, old parenting stereotypes are still prevalent in much of society "out there!".
Kris's suggestions about, insights into - and reflections on - being a Father and on Fatherhood leaves fathers with much to reflect on. It speaks to Fathers about Fathering. But it also speaks to parents and those who are yet to parent - about parenting and to those - like me - who've been there and who are about to celebrate the joys of Family, Children, Grandchildren - in what remains of this Father's Day.

No one came for too much Could you sit back in a mansion? And although we don't do it usually But Lord, just damn to dance With my father I made You're listening to Expanding Horizons The podcast of the Unitarian Church of South Australia A home of progressive spirituality and free religious thought and action since 1854 The views expressed in these podcasts are those of the speaker And are not intended to represent the position of the church itself Or of the worldwide Unitarian Universalist Movement For more information visit UnitarianSA.org.au [Music] Good morning everyone When Chris asked me to talk about my dad I really didn't know what to say which is really quite amazing So I had to speak to my sisters Because those memories are blurred My dad was the product of a Scottish mother and a German father His dad was a Baptist minister And so he was born in Weijen Where my grandfather built the first Baptist manse in the country of Western Australia Dad unfortunately grew up in most of his teenage years were in Broken Hill And at those times I think his family were quite poor I don't think Baptist ministers were paid a huge stipend And it was the Depression So though dad was the second child he had two sisters And he had a very disabled brother who was the result of birth trauma So he had a pretty tough time growing up Because he had to look after Kelly He was quite smart but couldn't continue at school Left school when he was 14 and started apprenticeship As a painter So he worked in his own business all of his life My memories of my dad are quite obscure I remember debating with dad my sisters say I argued with him But I hope I think I was debating And he taught me a lot about debating Because he was right on point and I had to smarten up to have a discussion with him But dad was very quiet I can't ever remember him being cross with me And that wasn't because I was good He wasn't, he wasn't, mum was the disciplinarian in our house And dad valued above everything education And I think he missed that his whole life and regretted he didn't have education And he also enjoyed musical theatre And I remember going to the Royal in Heinley Street Sitting up in the gods and watching South Pacific and Brigadier Dune And Camelot and all of those wonderful old musicals that many of you might remember What I regret most of all about my dad Is that I didn't ever know him as an adult He was an adult of course but I wasn't And I left home when I was 18 and went teaching as many young teachers did I spent the next three years trying to learn how to be a teacher Because I don't think I knew very much about it when I went out And then I got married and had three kids And when I'd already had one, dad died at 51 Which gave me the biggest shock ever I sort of thought by the time someone I loved died I would have this philosophy and understanding of what was death And so at that stage I was going to the Church of England Church So I spoke to the minister And I was really, really upset because dad had died And I was due to give birth to Susan so I didn't even come to his funeral So it was just a really sad and bad time That was my greatest regret not being able to speak to my dad as an adult So if you have adult children And if you are lucky enough still to have a dad Make time to speak as adults because that's what I didn't do And I really missed it because I think we could have shared some very good things So these words of Chris's palm speak to that a little bit As my thumb wipes the milk from my son's lips I think of my father's lips that closed They never say the words withheld by strong men I say the words, I say them again The words that will survive me So don't miss out on the chance to either talk to your dad or other dads Or your son or your other children Well thank you Pauline That was wonderfully revealing And I think something a lot of us could relate to And also I asked a question of Pauline And she was lost for words, you heard it here first Let's stand and sing Thank you, and there is something of a theme today of being yourself As well as contemplating our fathers This is a day to remember fathers Let us be grateful for their guidance and love And where there is disappointment or hurt Let there be peace We take this time to let go of any disappointment or resentment we have had Let us be grateful for the love we have received So may it be I'll invite David to come forward with a reading from one of Carl Jung's essays As Chris said, this is an extract from an essay by Carl Jung Entitled "Significance of the Father and the Destiny of the Individual" Parental power guides the child like a higher controlling fate But when the child begins to grow up The conflict begins between the infantile constellation and the individuality The parental influence dating from the prehistoric, that is infantile period Is repressed and it sinks into the unconscious But is not thereby eliminated By invisible threads it directs the individual creations of the ripening mind as they appear Like everything that has passed into the unconscious The infantile constellation sends up into consciousness for boating feelings Feelings of mysterious guidance and opposing influences [Music] Good night my little time to close your eyes And say these questions from another day I think I know what you've been asking me I think you know what I've been trying to say But proudest I will never leave you And you should always know Wherever you will come, no matter where you are I never will be far away But my little now it's time to sleep And still so many things I want to say [Music] [Music] [Music] Thank you I've been thinking about fathers This is quite easy today because I can just read out a series of greeting cards from the news agent And that should cover it Here we go, here's the first one Father's Day comes once a year but you are special, this is clear On each and every other day there is no need for Father's Day On all 364 you are the Dad that I adore On the 365th I'm happy you're the Dad I'm with You notice a little Americanism in there The trouble is in a leap year it doesn't add up It actually doesn't work in 2024 I think Father's Day was one of those marketing ideas Invented to sell greeting cards and other things that men are supposed to like I'm just glad my children never gave me a power drill I suppose they knew me well enough The fact is that fathers are human beings like everyone else And we're all a work in progress So I say to the fathers among us Let's celebrate what we've done to raise our children We did the best we could and let's also forgive ourselves For the times when our younger selves had some of their less than optimal Father moments It's not easy living up to the pressures of society and parents and peers And those pressures are different for men and women and others even now A lot of men born before the 70s let's say probably found it harder to express their feelings in the culture Unless it was about cars or sport There was an American writer Irma Bombak and she wrote When I was a little kid a father was like a light in the refrigerator Every house had one but no one really knew what either of them did when the door was shut She also wrote "My dad left the house every morning and always seemed glad to see everyone at night" Whenever I played house the mother doll had a lot to do I never knew what to do with the daddy doll so I had him say "I'm going to work now and throw him under the bed" Now she was riding in the 1960s The father who goes off to long work hours is still a common enough experience And these days children can enjoy the benefits of domestic equality Where both parents go off to work for long hours and one of them picks junior up from childcare at 6 o'clock I confess to being one of those fathers who was absent from home a lot of the time And over the years I have had twinges of regret about it And one particularly poignant moment was when I had made an exception I planned to leave work early to pick up one of my daughters from kindergarten But as it turns out I really could not get away from work Well that's what I say The kindergarten director eventually went through the list of phone numbers and called up mum to go and pick up my daughter I had frantically driven there as soon as I could but she was already gone I remember having such a feeling of suffering at the thought of the little girl alone Out the front of the kindy whose dad had promised to pick her up but he didn't And to have that unblemished trust take a knock was something that was painful for both of us Forgive me It was later, much later actually that I reflected on how important it was for parents to give the gift of time And attention and positive reinforcement Especially in the teenage years And I kitted myself at the time I think to some extent because they are becoming their own people They are expressing their desire to be free to do this and that's starting to be grown up But actually they need love as much as ever in those formative years However, we as I say we must forgive ourselves for those times when our younger selves Our less aware selves had less than optimal moments It's not that I didn't see my children because I actually made appointments in my diary Thursday 5 p.m. take children to playground So I did actually, yeah it's pathetic really, but you know, time management I can hardly imagine my father's experience He was born on the cusp of World War II And when he had already started school a man came to live with him and his mum and his brothers This man was suddenly affectionate and overly familiar It was his father that he'd never seen He'd been away in the army for several years The fact is our parents have an awesome impact on our psyche when we're young They're like gods to us and we instinctively make our demands of them As young children and whether those demands are ignored Or satisfied conditionally or unconditionally As an impact on our relationships for the decades that follow And Carl Jung, I've mentioned him often used the term complex for those unresolved psychological challenges That we carry around of those significant relationships Especially that we can't quite resolve and cope with as children The psychic knots that are a source of unresolved feelings And they can erupt at times, they can block other feelings in a way that sometimes seems out of control And this can lead to what seem to be irrational constraints or steps we take in our everyday interactions We're not necessarily aware of these knots inside us unless a wound or an obsession is uncovered in some confrontation But these complexes, these psychic knots need to be resolved The way to do it is through honest reflection and self-examination Understanding who our father is and actually he was just a man Just like so many men over thousands of years Just like so many other people of whatever gender over thousands of years All struggling to find love and give love as best as one can It is up to us to let go of what we don't need from that relationship Which doesn't mean losing respect for our father In fact, it may make a mutually respectful relationship more possible So I asked the question, "What are fathers meant to be? What makes a good father?" We know the old gender division, men who were the tough hunters and fighters And women whose concerns were domestic and nurturing For thousands of years in our patriarchal societies These were the realities Traditionally, the role of father was believed to be protecting, providing materially, guiding and disciplining And we here may be part of that educated, thoughtful minority Who have transcended patriarchal values And we may well say that all of those activities can be perfectly well carried out By a person of whatever gender But the old stereotypes are still prevalent in much of society out there So here are some suggestions for good, fatherly behavior Which are actually good suggestions for everybody In the team sport of life You are neither playing alongside your child nor a mere spectator You're the coach Whether you're reviewing what's happened or planning for the next project You can be a constant source of encouragement and kindness You're not there to guard children against the challenges of life But to equip them to face challenges And demonstrate love and respect to the other significant people in your children's lives Whether they be friends, partners, new in-laws and so on Give discipline in a way which is principled and understood Children need to know boundaries It's the only way they'll develop self-discipline Too often we hear, maybe on a bus or in a social situation I told you to, do it because I told you to And it's a shortcut, but it's not really adequate It doesn't lead a child to become an adult Take responsibility for your actions Saying sorry when it's warranted And to keep a sense of humor Teaching your children a sense of irony I find will help them tolerate life much better Now I asked you to draw a picture of your father And it could be a stick figure It could be an oval face with a couple of dots and a line for a mouth Some of you might be more artistic than others For some of you it might have been something you enjoyed doing Some of you might have found it reluctant to draw whatever inspiration there was But contemplating your drawing for a moment Let us consider your father, your father As a human being He did the best he could And perhaps he should have known better Perhaps he could have done more But he did the best he could for the human being He was at that time It doesn't help to expect more from him now For what was lacking we are called upon to be forgiving And that can be very hard in respect of some behavior But nonetheless it is for us to be forgiving For those of you who have an unadulterated joy In picturing your father in drawing your father What a great blessing What a great blessing in life And it is something to be truly thankful for So in conclusion let's say on Father's Day That we can be grateful for what we did learn from our father And it is up to us now to let go of that Which was not helpful or healthy for us We know better now it is for us to forgive what needs to be forgiven And to be grateful for what love was given We hope you have enjoyed this expanding Horizons podcast These podcasts are the intellectual property of the presenter They can be used only with the express permission And appropriate acknowledgement of the presenter This permission can be obtained by emailing admin@unitariansa.org.au Please feel free to leave a comment or visit us on Facebook or Twitter By searching sa unitarians or by visiting our website at unitariansa.org.au [Music]