The guys discuss when a notary is necessary to buy booze, why it’s plausible to get robbed by 3 out of every 4 people while on a spiritual retreat, and how Damon believes he could be the “king of the jungle” if given a fair fight.
That Checks Out
Scary Ghost Man and 26 Bee-Holes
(laughing) Hey everybody, that checks out with Damon and Ted. I'm Ted, the Mc Tim, David, don't forget September 21st. We have a comedy show, not him, just me. Ha, I said we, but it doesn't include you. (laughing) It includes all you guys, all you gotta do is check out the information that's on the Jeff checks out page. St. Rose School in Wilmington. Mike Tumi Headliner, Ted Wilson, that's me, feature host, John DeCauce, friend of the show. I gotta say it every time I say his name, 'cause it's the rules. Coming down to a great night of comedy, there will be refreshments available. We're gonna have a great old time. Damon, how was your week? Well, I was sad now, 'cause I was left out of your comedy show, so. Oh, I will say this, on John's writer, he said, the only thing I have to ask for is that, and this is what he said, quote, unquote, your friend cannot come. (laughing) Now, I think he might, I think that's right. I think he meant you. The problem is, you're not my friend. (laughing) Hey, that's a loophole. I will be there. Sorry about your bad luck, DeCauce. I will be there. Sorry. So, hey, also, we talked about it last week. Hooper was, we talked about Hooper, she's doing the, you know, executive producing. Right. Yeah. She's making it happen. The show. She said, do you wanna hang your banners? Do you want the servers to wear that checks out t-shirts? Do you want to, like, all the stuff that, like, I didn't ask for any of that. Right. And at first, I was like, that seems like, no, I don't, and then I was like, you know what, why not? Let's do it. If everyone walks out of there is not subscribed and listening to the podcast by the end of it, I'm blaming WGN's own, Mike Toomey. (laughing) I am not taking the blame for that. Toomey, don't mess, don't mess up this podcast. We got going on, come on, man. You know? So, here, I got a couple of things. We know that I went to Florida recently. You went to Florida. Took the whole family. I did. Well, most of the family. But anyway, not the whole family. The ones that don't live in the house. The two older boys didn't get to go. Don't count. They didn't live in the house. So, here, we got Florida Welcome Center. Okay? You can get free OJ there. Okay, here's the deal. It didn't say free OJ. You know what it said? Wind chimes. Wind chimes. That's what's gonna make you pull in and stop the car. Free OJ, you're like, man, Florida, orange juice? Free? I might stop and check out. I'm gonna, I gotta pee anyway. I might stop and check it out. Okay? Oh, Disney discounted tickets. Everybody, you know, they go crazy. They had wind chimes. Only if you're an idiot. Yeah, but wind chimes. That was their, their tag. They had nothing else except, you know, Florida, what is it? Welcome Center. Florida Welcome Center, everybody. Welcome to America's Wang. We got wind chimes. Come on down. 'Cause we got high wind because Damon was there during Hurricane Debbie. So, Damon was there during Hurricane Debbie. Everyone made fun of him and said, "This isn't really a hurricane." And it wasn't. It was probably Tropical Storm by the time we got this. But anyway, I just thought, what a weird tag to put on your sign. Be like, what are you known for? We got the wind chimes. Well, we got Disney, we got space travel, we got oranges, we got beautiful beaches, we got the whole keys. We have a whole lime pie down here. We're gonna sell you wind chimes. But did you know about our wind chimes? Seems to be a really big secret. So, but I just- We got gators and skaters, but we're gonna tell you about the wind chimes. Everybody. Every offsite souvenir shop, gator heads, full gators, everything. I mean, it's unbelievable. And it's the exact same ones. You go to a different shop and it's like, they have the exact same stuff as the other one. And my wife's like, "Well, let's go look at the other one." Okay, but you just did. Yeah, you know, you looked right here. Nicole, have you ever left a Sears to drive to different Sears? Yeah. (laughs) Especially what you did. It's kind of what happened. And I use Sears 'cause it's as outdated as every gift shop down there in the Florida. So I didn't- But this one you can walk through a shark's mouth. (laughs) You can't do that if the other one is a wizard sleeve. This one's painted like an American flag. This one's got an eagle on it. Cut to sound of eagle. Man, I need you to do that, charge it to Damon. Yeah, just put it in. Just put it in. (laughs) And it's like, look at those low ratings. He puts on the wrong, not that eagle. Stupid. (laughs) Yeah. He just wanted his money. He didn't care. He's like, I got this drop, I'll nail it. It's like a mini mall. Do you remember that guy? Yeah. Yeah. So I have- Living Rooms. Donuts. (laughs) Yeah. Yeah. Those were the 80s commercials that we miss right there. It's like a mini mall. Yeah. What are we on tonight? What's in this room? Not affecting Jerry. He's silent. We are wild and crazy. Jerry's over there. It looks like he got a text that somebody passed away. I hope he didn't. Yeah. You're looking straight down like- Hey. Hey, let's do this right now. You're looking straight down like Damon went to Florida and I didn't get a wind chime. (laughs) Right. Did you know about my love for wind chimes? He moves and you hear it? Where's that at? I wear wind chimes all the time. Do you know what I say when I leave my house? Do my porch of wind chimes every time I walk through? ♪ Yeah, that's why I am rude ♪ ♪ I love the massive chimes ♪ Yeah. He's like, "Well, I got blows wind chimes." That's it. ♪ You think it's a whistle, but it's really a chime ♪ Hey, let's do this though. This is how it officially works. I think you're like, "Hold on, seriously." No. I just thought about- Let's do this. Listen. We're sorry that Mac passed away. Okay, that's true. 'Cause he's not here. He's not here, right? Everybody's pouring out for Mac. That's probably why Jerry looks so downtrodden. Okay, because you know who pays Jerry? Mac! He's not here anymore. He's gone. So, he's like, "No, he doesn't." He just never paid me once. I please, hey, you know what? Hey, time stamp. We'll take that out. I owe you those are funny until the man dies. Yeah. What is this line of credit to you? What does he have? So anyway, moment for Mac. And we're over. Okay. So, wait. What? Wait. No. Wait, what? Yeah. All right. Wait. I don't remember this button does. Stop it! Okay. That makes sense. Stop it! And we are right now. Check this out. Yeah. So, we're on vacation. Oh, yeah, I forgot. We're going back. This is you. So, we're in the resort. That's totally me. So, it moves out. Fruit should've told you. Yeah. So, we're at the resort. And Miskit's up early one morning. Oh, look at this guy. He stayed at a resort. Oh, la, la. Do you put two condiments on your hot dog when you ate it? Mustard and relish? Wow. A resort. Anyway, Mrs. Stan, let's go. So, she gets up and she goes, I go, how'd you sleep? She goes, not good. Because Chuck played scary ghost man. And I go, do tell. Okay. I want to know what this is. And she goes, so what he did is he stood up. He checked the sheet off his bed, put it over his head. Cause I wouldn't give him the remote. Jump down to my bed yelling scary ghost man. And she goes, physically took the remote from me. One day, based on the story, it's probably sooner than later. Your daughter is going to go full Sam Kennison on your son. Oh yeah. And I'm going to love it. It's going to happen. It's going to happen. But what's funny is Chuck's now awake. We don't know it. And he sits, sits straight up like the undertaker. Sits up in the ring. You're like, did I go home? Oh! But you're like, I don't know, maybe. But he says, he sits right up and he goes, no, we're miss failed. Is she thought scary ghost man was friendly? He is not, that's what he says. And I'm like, well, that's on her. I think it's implied in the scary ghost man. Yeah, it wasn't like friendly ghost man. You know, it wasn't Casper. Yeah, but it says, in fact, he was not. That's how he says it, you know, like that. And he lays back down. I'm like, this, I have so much fun just living being me. It's not even funny. I don't even know much fun because you weren't here. Yeah. So then one more thing, we're at Animal Kingdom. Okay. So they can go on a couple rides. Oh, we went to an entirely different kingdom. Yeah. Listen to this, I get made fun of for going to Branson, Missouri. This guy's in a resort in a different kingdom. I just got into money. Kingdom money. I got kingdom money. So look at me. I'm doing the voice. So, so I go to Animal Kingdom one morning for like two and a half hours while they're riding rides, right? And that is two and a half hours, almost too long. Too long, correct. We're there like eight days. We spent two and a half hours in a kingdom. And we couldn't wait. Hey kids, it's Everest. Let's get out. Yeah. So, so no, that was close. They did the, they did the, they did the Navi stuff, the. Oh, yeah, Pandora. Pandora. They did the Pandora. Pandora. We didn't go to Spotify. Right. We went to Pandora. But so I go walking around, because I'm not going to the Pandora thing, right? So I go walking around and I walk like they, it's a zoo. Like they have this tour, you know, and they have the gorillas and they have all these people that are talking to you about the animals. Here's the deal. I'm just on a nice nature walk right now. Okay. I don't, I'm killing time. I'm just walking and I'm looking at stuff. I don't really want to learn stuff at every stop. Yeah. Okay. Like his name's Roger. He sleeps till noon. He should be out here, but he's not right now because it's not noon. Well, when you told me his name's Roger, he sleeps till noon and it's only 955. I figured Roger's not up. Okay. Are you required to talk? Cause this seems like yours making stuff up in order to keep talking. So the last person that decided to give me the whole spiel on the gorillas. Because the gorillas weren't out yet. Okay. And cause I, I look, they have a bunch of stuff thrown down. I said, what's that? And they go, well, that's the gorilla. We put the food out, but they're not out yet. They come from over wherever they're at. They come, come around. And I said, so what about a night? Cause I saw bunnies in there and she goes, they don't mess with the bunnies or nothing else. And then the bunnies eat whatever the gorillas don't eat. They're, it is what it is. You know? Okay. Now she proceeds to start telling me about their diet, their sleep schedule, their this, their that. And, and one of them comes up. So he's, he's there and I'm like, okay. And I look and I just, I just looked at her and I go, I go, you know what, I said, we made eye contact. I got to leave and she goes, what'd I go? I don't think he likes me. And I just wanted to leave. Well, because he has your card and he knows you're a gorilla milkler at home. Yeah. That's what it is. He's like, I have nipples. He's going to try to milk me. Um, but it says, uh, I told him, I said, I don't want, I want to leave because I said, he looks mad and I said, in case he gets out and she goes, well, he can't get out. That's what she tells me. Right? So I wrote down and she said, he can't get out. I go, yeah, if he does, he's only a handful of Ubers and a direct flight away from me, right? And then she looks at me and her jaw drops, like how stupid is this guy? I'm like, thanks. And I walked away. I'm like, I have to be that stupid. So you stopped talking to me? He's never gotten out yet. Just waiting for me. How do you know? I wasn't the catalyst. Yeah. Yeah. Here's the deal. He's never met me. Okay. Yeah. Let me tell you what I do. I bring up the worst. This feels like when I used to be a manager and people want to come in and complain and I don't want that. Yeah. So I just was like, Hey, I'm going to stop you right there. When we're down this conversation, if you want to continue to talk, that's great. Don't need to. Whatever you want to do. Have you want to work it out? We're going to figure it out. Yeah. That's what I would have been to these people. Hey, you know what? You know what? The gorillas aren't here. I don't need to hear about them. Yeah. When they are here, give you hand. Still need to hear about them. Yeah. This is a visual medium. Yeah. That's all. I wanted to see gorillas. Yeah. I didn't see them. I didn't want to hear about them. You know, I didn't come here to see you talk about gorillas. Yeah. I would have been here for two and a half hours. Yeah. I would have been here for zero hours. The gorilla comes up and goes, that's Donna. She's a bitch. Okay. She talks to everybody all the time. She says, we're not a lot of touchies bunnies. You don't know how bad I want to throw these bunnies. You know what? I'm here. Pretend my kids are my wife and Pandora is a shoe store and I'm just over here holding the purse. Yeah. Don't talk to me. I am miserable. Right. Right. It's hot. I'm miserable. So the day we went there, right, was our last day there and it was heat index 105. No, I just went for a walk. Do you know why these gorillas aren't out here because they have dark fur and it's hottest balls. It's 105. Yeah. Are they in the AC by any chance because they're probably going to stay sleeping all day. You know, they're ordering room search right now. Are they in Muppet 3D? Because I heard it's going away and it's air conditioned in this. You breathe, guys, show up with the bags as gorilla and you're like, what? Okay. I don't know if I post. Yeah. It says bags as gorilla. Later rabbits. Yeah. So it's like, I got an order for gorilla and apparently later in the day, it's for the rabbits. I don't know. I don't get that leftovers. I guess. Don't eat leftovers. They tipped well though. It said go through the gate. Yeah. That's what the instructions said. Yeah. And it says, don't ask questions. Just go through the gate. It said, don't talk to the really talky lady at front. Yeah. Just keep going. Don't mind Donna. She's nevermind. She's. Yeah. But, but I just, I just thought I'm like, Hey, I'm just walking. I'm walking. I went through like a bird sanctuary and you're seeing and the guy. So I walk in there. The guy. This is what the guy says. He goes, we have 29 of the 30 species already out. You know what just blows my mind? You do not have a face. It says, please come talk to me. No, no, I have the face of get the hell away from you. Okay. It's hot. I'm fat. I'm walking. I'm walking for a breeze. Hey, everybody. Look at this. The gorillas are not because they don't, their names are Roger and they don't come out so known. This is Damon. He likes to call people scumbag. Yeah. Yeah. They don't show up for work. That's what he likes to do. So, yeah. To be fair. Real scumbag move. Yeah. Real scumb. Hey, Friday work for everyone. Absolutely. I can't be there. Yeah. Guess who, guess who doesn't work for? Guess who's going to be told. Okay. I guess who's not going to be told. Everyone else. Yeah. Yeah. Even Jerry. He's like, Jerry's like, where's Mac? Well, he felt like he was really like, Oh, I didn't, I didn't realize you were going to be here. Yeah. Like there's some sort of restraining order we don't know about. This is so awkward. It's less than 50 feet. Can you. I don't know if you don't know about this. Yeah. Can you be my computer a hundred yards away from you? Can you move me down to the audio store down the hall? Because this is a problem. It's very awkward. At the speaker place. Yeah. Yeah. They got a speaker guy. They got a nice sign up there. Maybe he's got speakers I could use for my construction paper. Yeah. All right. We sell speakers, but not signs. So two more things. Uh, Japanese bad men. I was watching this. I was watching the Olympics because that's what I watch at night with my wife. Well, I'm back at the Olympic games. So the Japanese badminton guy wins a medal afterwards. He like gets down on one knee and proposes and proposes, proposes. Now, here's the deal. You know how you're crushing every other woman on the face of the earth because you're taking this awesome specimen of a man off of the market. Yeah. That woman should have said no, just so every other woman wasn't heart broke over the fact that the Japanese badminton medal winner is now going to be married. I couldn't understand. I'm like, I'm like, and, and they're all talking about like, Oh, look at this, look how sweet it was. Um, no, you know, honestly, the Olympics aren't supposed to be about you. I wish they would have zoomed in because I think, you know, it wasn't in English, but I think if you translated it, it was like, Hey, I just wanted to share a wordie and make you my birdie because I'm going to give you this rock. Yeah. So forever you can shuttle my anyway. Yeah. I'm translating. Understood. Jared got it. He's out there. Yeah. He knows what you call it. He shut off you. That bad man plays with you. Yeah. Shut up, Donna. Stop talking about me. Donna shows up with the Olympics. Did you know that the gorillas aren't out because it's only 1145, but what she says, I'm trying to propose here. Yeah. Donna. I'm down at one knee. Okay. I'm trying to run you trying to sell you a dirty haiku to my, my fiance here. Do you mind? What rhymes with shuttle cock, Donna? If you're not here to help, shut up, okay? This haiku don't need you. That's, that's my rhyme, Donna. Three syllables rhymes with shuttle cock. I need it right now. Come on. What do you got? I need it right now, Donna. And the grill is over there like she ain't going to do nothing. Yeah. She, she only talks about me. That's it. I shouldn't be out here right now. It's only 1130. So, um, but yeah, I just, I, I had to mention that like I said, one of my favorite stories all from, from the trip was scary ghost man because they kept coming up later on and she's like, I'm not doing that. He's like, scary ghost man says otherwise, you know, I've, I've checked in with scary ghost man. He says you are. So hey, how about you? You got anything awesome that happened? No. I was in the, I was in the hospital this week. They thought I was having a heart attack. Let's move on. Okay. Here's a jury immediately turns what has a list of those words you've said. Yeah. You were almost like, I can't lose back and tied in the same week. I already poured out the proportion that was to be poured out. I was going to say, and I got no wind chimes. Yeah. What the hell. Words podcast ever. Yeah. How can I man with no wind chimes lose two friends? This is not, it is not just. So you were almost scary ghost man. Yeah. I was almost scary ghost man. Okay. So, but it turns out, yeah. No grabber. If you come to the... Did someone call for you? Was it nice? Were you having a stroke and someone called? If you come. No, what? Yeah. People thought I was having an issue. Yeah. And immediately people like, do you need an ambulance? Do you need us to do anything? Oh. Yeah. They didn't like you. You, you wouldn't understand. I've never seen that sign of it. I don't know how it works. I've never seen that sign of it. I don't know how it works. I've never seen that sign of it. I don't know how it works. I've never seen that sign of it. I've never seen that sign of it. I don't know. I don't know. To make this rule. Is that not insane? Right. Well, I will say, to be fair. Yeah. We have a lady present. Yeah. Okay. So, like I said, tear it up. She is it. No. No. Tell me about her, Roger. Almost in our lifetime. Women couldn't get credit cards or bank accounts without having permission from their, from their, their spouse. Yeah. My, how the ties have turned. Right. Yeah. Now in Pennsylvania, they were like, you know what? Let's go the other way. Yeah. What do these dudes really need to have adult supervision? Do you think that like, so then the women in Pennsylvania have to have stationary? I'm not having a stroke. Have like a prescription pad? Yeah. So they steal the prescription pad. They just keep writing down. Bill's supposed to buy maker's mark. Oh, whiskey. Yeah. Sign Epstein's mother. Yeah. Wait. Right. Hold on. Let's change that. Cause that was a joke during the, welcome back. Hotterdays. That name is no longer. Yeah. It's probably not a plausible name. Sign. Bill's mother. Not, not Cosby. Okay. I think we're going to say Erin Hernandez's mother. I'm like, you didn't make it any better. I don't understand where you're going here. His brother's mother. She's still dead. She's still dead. Yeah. It's how it works. So, but no, but in Pennsylvania, imagine having to be like in the, like going to the liquor store and you're looking around. And so you're like, you're underage. Everybody's underage. Cause if you don't have permission to be there from your wife, you can't buy nothing. Well, I'm just saying like, can you imagine how much money that the New York and New Jersey and Ohio and West Virginia liquor stores? You know, we're here. They're like, uh, hey, five miles to fireworks that you see that where we're at. Absolutely. We came by fireworks in Illinois, but Indiana, you can't. Yeah. Missouri, for sure. Same thing in, in Pennsylvania. You don't need your mommy to come down here in New Jersey by yourself. Some liquor. You don't need your mom to tie one on. Yeah. Come on over to Penn. Come on over to what at Ohio, you know, um, but, but I just thought that was neat that I, maybe they're stealing like pads of their, their wife's stationery and just right. And then it got scribbled the name. They're like, look, you got it. Yeah. But then you get that one dumb kid, that dumb, one dumb guy that shows up with an always with wings. You said we were stealing our wives pads. Yeah. I did not get enough information. This is so weird. It's like, and then it's like, did you think that we had to hand in sanitary products? Well, you know, it's great though. Is that same? The other dude turns looks at him. He's got an armed falco. He goes, I'm having every day. I don't know about you. Yeah. Because it doesn't matter. I'm having every day. Okay. Then you think about it. So now you have to, now you have to fake your wife signature of when you say fake your wife. Stop there. Yeah. Do they have more cross dressing in Pennsylvania? Because dudes are like dressing up like their wives and going into being like, I'm just getting this from my husband. Yeah. He is a mighty powerful person for whiskey. He's got a ZZ top beard. Yeah. You know, it's like, wait a minute, you know, I've got legs know how to use them. That guy was spinning a guitar. I'm pretty sure he's in ZZ top. I'm they got out of a red 32 horn with Z on the side of it that couldn't use the one named beard. He's the only one that didn't have one. That's irony. So weird. So weird. When you have a band known as beard. So anyway, that was our first fun fact. Second one. This one's awesome. All right. Vatican City has the world's highest crime rate with around 600 crimes per year. Get this despite a population of just over 800. So there's 200 plus people that ain't robbing nobody in this town. That rat show is pretty bad. Listen, they got 800 people odds are the guy you're walking the street with might mug you. Okay. You don't unless you got 200 unless you got two friends out of the 200 plus that ain't doing no mugging. Okay. You know, is that why they, you know, is that where they got the story for the purge? Yeah. Look, we're you guys need to clean. We need to clean everything. We need a purge. So we're going to start at the Vatican. We have 600 people, 600 crimes. 800 people. Yeah. These are their stories, but it's just the math doesn't add up. There's 800 people in the town, 600 crimes. Now, what if what if seven hundred and eight people? What if didn't do nothing? Okay. It's one dude. One going around that the F word has now been used in the MCU 119 times once in Guardians of the Valley. Yeah. Yeah. Galaxy. Yeah. Three. Okay. 118 times. Deadpool and Wolverine. That's where you get the 119. Okay. One in one movie, 118 and another. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So Ray just a little off. What if five hundred ninety nine crimes are committed by the pope and one is the dude he's trying to blame it on. No. It's that guy. I got five hundred and eight crimes and the pope ain't one of them. Pope ain't one of them. I'm just telling you right now. And a pope ain't one. Yeah. So, but yeah, just the Vatican city is literally just where the pope lives. That's what I'm saying. It's where it's the people that work at the Vatican. Yeah. I mean, who's doing the crimes? Ooh. You know what? Just clicked. We should. Oh, yeah. No. No, but you know what? It's that Epstein joke really doesn't work here. His crime rate. His crime rate. So we're. That's a crime. There's one there. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. Just you guys. Guys, we got to cut it back. I'm telling you right now. You know, yeah. But yeah. So six hundred crimes. Eight hundred people. That means some people need to step it up. Okay. Because they're not fitting in. They're not fitting in at all. All right. Here's my third fun fact and this goes with my fourth. Oh, do you have one? I have one. Do it. Right. Do it. Okay. Now mine's not as good as you as your uses are. Okay. Because mine is your English is mine is not a scientist. Yeah. It's a researcher. Is that a wannabe scientist? Apparently. Okay. What do you hear about it? You're probably going to agree that it's a wannabe scientist. Okay. Researcher Michael Smith wanted to find out which body part when stung by a honeybee would hurt the most. So yeah. I think you're ahead of it already. So he led the sting him in twenty five different locations on his body and ready the pain level from one to ten in each part. The tip and upper arm hurt the least. All of which were rated two point three. Whereas the nostril upper lip. And penis shaft hurt the most at nine eight point seven and seven point three respectively. So apparently the nostril hurts slightly more than a joke. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Then the Orlando part of America's wang. Now we can ask you say that guy has twenty five B holes. Right. Can we say that? Is that count? I'm out. Is that count? Hey. How about that? Yeah. I didn't. I'm never counted these episodes. So I'm going to throw out a number and you'll be like well actually we're actually sir. We're at two hundred and twenty one. Excuse me. Your math is off. So two hundred and twenty some episodes. I won everyone. I got to give this one to you and I don't like it. I don't think I'm going to come up with a better joke than. Well we'll actually. Yeah. Actually we can guarantee he has twenty six B holes. He does. He does. You know why? Because we didn't count. Yeah. Be hole prime. Yeah. Well he be scratching twenty five of them. He be wiping one of them. Depends where he put the soap. Depends. Yeah that soap's brutal. I'm going to tell you that right now. Awful. All right. Here's my next fun fact. Not a researcher. Eight percent of Americans. Now we went through this with bears. But eight percent of Americans say they think they could beat a lion in a fist fight. Now. Where was I on the bear? Did I say I could be the bear? I don't know if I was like ten percent though. I was like ten percent of people. I don't know what I said on that. I don't think I would want to get near a lion. No. I would rather go and change my tire in wolf central. Now here's the deal though. Here's the deal. Eight percent say they could beat a lion in a fist fight. If you hold the lion to boxing rules. Okay. Just say an MMA where he can maul you. Boxing rules. He's only got a fist fight. Maybe I could be the lion. Okay. You're saying. Yeah. Boxing rules. Yeah. You don't think that guy is going to feign a jab and just come with a round house from downtown that's just going to wipe your ass right off the face of the earth. No. No. I don't. You want to know why? Jerry. I need you to look up. Felt like a butterfly. It's thing like 25 B's. A lot of B holes. A lot of B holes. I need you to look up lion rental. And also. Yeah. Boxing gloves. Yeah. What kind of do they transport or do I got to pick it up in my car? What do we got to do? It's the same people that think they can take a kangaroo. You ever see one of those things? Oh, yeah. Those things look pissed off the world. Jacked. Now, you know, we read the fact, remember, if you're in the water, they're just waiting for you to come out. They want to drown you. That's their job. I would like to see scary ghost man try to take a look at my kangaroo. Yeah. Yeah. He'd be like, first off, but I've got some my holes in that. Take a scary ghost man. Can't go in blind. All right. You can fly over in your sister and find a remote. I wouldn't go at that. First ghost, you're going to have it here and go, ooh, yeah. Yeah. Is that ghost just oof? Yeah. Yeah. You know, I heard it. He's quite 600 pounds, but I don't understand. Scary ghost man is really losing his ass right here. Go. It's my hero. So, but anyway, 8%, now, here's what I'll tell you. If it's a straight up boxing gloves on, so you can't have the claws, boxing gloves. Okay. Fist fight. Punching, punching, punching, punching. I might have a chance. It might be 9% because I might be one. I might be another person. So might be. You have never ceased to amaze me with the depths of stupidity. You can bring to this table. I believe that if I treat a line to fight fair, I might be able to take that line. He's got it. He's got to fight fair. You can't. It's not street rules. I can't. Look, if it's MMA, he's just going to maul me and I'm going to tap out. Okay. So I'm not going to tap. I'm going to die. Okay. But if it's just a fist fight, yeah, maybe we'll see. You're not a fight. I don't know if you know this, but the Wizard of Oz was not a documentary. You're not going to poop. He's going like, oh, he's the cowardly lion. That's, I mean, it's science. We all sit up. Put him up. Put him up. It's not going to happen that way. I want to fight him before he gets courage. Let's put it that way, right? Me and the lion. Yeah. Before he gets courage. Just because you have kingdom money. It doesn't mean that you are kidding. Of the floor? Yes. Not animal kingdom money, right? Yeah. That's my next fun fact. Also lion related. And this is what kind of scares me off from wanting to fight him. A male lion can mate up to 100 times a day in a process that lasts only about 17 seconds. Amen, brother. Power on. Okay. They can keep this up for around four to five hours. Here's a deal. I lose the fist fight to you. Find out you're a male lion and you haven't had, you know, relations. Can someone tell me how many seconds are in four or five hours? I don't know. Because I want to know how many, how many, 17 seconds are in four or five hours? It says up to a hundred times though. Right. It's more than a hundred. Does that, how much, like, cool down time as you need? Oh. And good. Yeah. Okay. Ready? Also, did they find a hundred female lions or they're like 15 were really displeased about their day. Yeah. It's like less. Linus. You got to stop. Well, there's, we got to divide that by 17 and then figure that out. That's too much math. Yeah. Too much math. I don't, I don't, I don't want to do, I'm not here to learn. Okay. I'm here to teach. If nothing else has been checked out, besides my sanity on this podcast, it is Damon is not here to learn. Yeah. New board drop. Damon is not here to learn. Did she come back or she just go to the bathroom and never come back? Is it like she went for cigarettes and then I got to go get a pair of cigarettes and some milk. I'll catch you guys never. Here's what's for. We'll see you later. Why is it all of a sudden. I'm Gloria. You're Sylvia Brown. Sylvia Brown. Whatever her name is. So here's the deal. Not only have you made Michaela Sylvia Brown, which is awful. You're an awful person for doing that because she's a wonderful person. Secondly, there goes my hero. We can take whatever shit we want out of this place because she's not here to lock up. Okay. That's true. Listen, you're going to let some strangers deal it or should we just take it? Come on. Think about it. No, no, no, no, no. It was here when we left. Yeah. It's a police record. It's a police record. And the police report. Correct. Yes. Yeah. Take it from the man with 25 B holes. That shit was here. The clerk that has only counted down twice. And it's a full-time existence was here when we left. Oh, yeah. That's the best thing about starting randomly. We have no idea how long we've been going. I have zero idea. I can tell you right now, we've been going zero, zero, zero, zero, zero. Zero, zero. That's what we've been going. So I was going to take the grimace butthole, but I think someone already did. It's probably gone. It's probably gone. So, but think about it. I said a lion and then you realize that's a male. He's going to have 17 seconds worth of sex with me now. Well, no, now you're not. Now you have a bunch of female lions looking up to you and being like, hey, we had some things set up after this fight. So now it's your responsibility to take care of that. Yeah. And I'm like, listen, I don't want to make the full 17 seconds. Yeah. But I'm willing to try. I'm willing to try. I'm willing to try because my momma didn't raise no quitter. Okay. I'm going to tell you that right now. So, meanwhile, my jaw sideways, he can pack a punch. All right. I got him after he got courage. I got to find that lion before he gets courage. And then Don is like, this is, he's statement. He fought a lion and now he clearly was like, shut up. He's going to mate. Yeah. So with a hundred of the women, I don't have like, I have a strange story for later on, but I have something right here. I call this strange stories. Not yet. Yeah. For later on. I call this like a missed message. I'm going to read this to you. Okay. And then I want to read you the comments. And I want, I want to see what your responses. Just talk of the town for Shan Hamanuker. Somebody put this up. Okay. Did anyone see what happened by four paws and the taco place? Question mark. I saw a bike in a car, comma. This is in the old family video. Yeah. Okay. I'm just, and Mark goes pizza. Yes. Correct. All right. Just, just catching up for my geography. Did anyone see what happened in the four paws and the taco place? Go ahead. I saw a bike in a car, comma, what I gather is someone hit a kid on a bike. Question mark. I could be wrong. If I am, please, someone correct me. Now that's the statement. Okay. That's a leap of logic. But go ahead. Okay. First comment. What? Not Mac. Wait, what? Yeah. Not Mac. What? Second comment. Prayers. Okay. Got the prayer hands. What? Yeah. Third comment. Are you ready? Four paws with four question marks. Where is this? I knew that. But here's the deal. Someone's might have died. Yeah. Okay. Okay. You want to know where's four paws. Stop it. I think you missed the message of the post. The post wasn't. Hey, wait. No, it's four paws. Wait. I think this is the person that committed the crime. Yeah. See that. And she was like, wait, did I hit two kids? Where's this four paws? It's like, was that Mr. Mount? I swear to God, or if I was never by four paws, I don't even understand. She's like, I just hit a kid just past the, the viaduct. Oh, yeah. That is where four paws is. Thank God. I thought it was more than one child. I was too. Four paws. Is there a new dog place in town? Did I? Did I kill scary ghost man? Yeah. But that, that's my point is, is that's the third, third post on earth is the third thing is that you got what? Okay. You know, they say what? You just don't know. You don't, you know, type in the word what somebody puts prey in hands. It's probably, you know, or the Karen emoji, you're fine for caring. You're fine. But to put four paws, we got one of those in Manuka. Where's that at? We got one of those. Yeah. There's a game show in the UK. They brought it over here at 1.2 called a task master and it's a bunch of comedians. They go in and they're given tasks. And if they can logically find funny ways to do it or anything, they'll be like, do you need to do this? And they'll be like, well, how do I do that? And like, all the information is on the card and like, well, how, what, where do I find this? All the information is on the card. Well, the host that's there is not allowed to, oh, guide anybody. Guide anyone. Now, if you say, hey, I want you to go stand over here and like, do this and he becomes the backboard for something like that, they can use him for that kind of thing, but he can't give him information. That what I immediately want to go, all the information is in the post. Yeah. It's all right there. It's not like that person's been like, Oh, thank you. You're right. I forgot to say that part of the kids torso was over at, you know, yeah. Yeah. Well, and the other thing, we was over at rooster rooster's. Where's that at? Rooster's. Is that chicken? Yeah. Thank you. That chicken. But, but no, that's, so it gets me. We've four powers. We've this a lot. That's what it was. And you put four question marks after it. Yeah. Well, it's four pause. Four pause. One question mark. Yeah. It would have been great if they would have put spelled it P-A-U-S-E. Four pause. What? Four pause. Four play. Yeah. What are we doing out here? What? A kid in a car? Four play? What? No, we shouldn't be doing that. So, but what gets me. Four pause. Four pause. Four pause. There's four. I had something to say. Four pause. No, but back to the original thought is basically you posted something, because we've gone through this a lot lately. That's what I was thinking of. We went through this a lot with, we've, we've been setting up for 33 union this and that. And you put like, you know, our class president Matt's been very good about putting all this information and everything and who put this whole big paragraph out where it tells you everything, this, that, and the other. Yeah. First comment. Hey, everybody. We're going to be at this stage at this place at this time. Here's the cost. Here's the menu. Here's all the things we've planned to do. Everything is all laid out for you, right? Right. This thing. First comment is. Yeah. Where is it? When is it? When is it? What's to eat? What do we have in each? How much is it going to be? Yeah. How much is it going to be? And, and again, we make, we make fun because everybody does this. I get it. But like, so like me, here's the deal. If I comment on a post, okay, I don't read the 150 post above me, I might put the exact same thing. Some other moron said. It doesn't matter. Right. If it's over 20, if it's between 25 and zero, I will read. Yeah. See, like, anyone else said this? Right. Oh, they have? I'm out. Right. If it's over that, you're maybe like, I'm just going to risk it. I'm just going to throw it. I'm going to throw it. If somebody goes, oh, on original. Okay, then I'm on original. I'm not reading 200 comments. Yeah. I'm not doing it. Most of the time when I see them in comments, I won't even comment on it. Right. It is what it is. But we've been going through this. Yeah. This reunion is exclusive to just the class of 1994. Oh. I graduated in 2010. Can I come? No. Yeah. No. No. It's all information is in the task. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So again, everything was up there. Kid, car, four-paws. And that's what everybody read. And they went four-paws. Yeah. When we get four-paws. I would have been like, I assume you're sending this message from some sort of electronic device that can be connected to Google. Yeah. You know what I can Google? Four-paws. Four-paws. You know what I can't Google? What happened to the child that was riding the bike that's now under a car? I'm looking for info. Yeah. That's what I'm looking for. So that's sad. Let me do a dead to me real quick. Because I skipped over this earlier. Dead to me. And I think you all agree with this. Uncovered. Yeah. Well, he's dead, too. Yeah. Uncovered yawners. People that yawn and don't cover their freaking mouth. All right. Okay. I saw so much of that when I was on vacation. And it's not kids. These are adults. And they're not always because the other thing is, too, you hear all these voices from different countries. Like, you see you and me, you walk up and you don't expect to hear the voice to come out of that person. You're like, "Where the hell are they from?" It's not even those people. It's people that are from Omaha. You know what I mean? They're there at Disney. And they're not covering their mouth. I don't know where that person's from, but I bet they're going to hate me throwing this popcorn into their open yawning mouth. Yeah. Right. Just as much as anyone else. Right. Dink. Correct. Kobe. You know, your did toss your stuff. Uh-huh. Pulling out for Kobe. This one goes out for everyone who misses Kobe. And Mac. And Mac. So now it's called, "Shuttle Cup." It's such a fun word to say. It really is. So good. So anyway, yeah, just uncovering your own. You can agree though. I mean, I don't want to see your tonsils doing your yawning. Okay. Am I right? You were right. Okay. Can we go back to anything that happened to you this week? Yeah. Why? Did you just remember something? Yeah. Two things. Okay. Two things. Yeah. I went to, so not Friday, comedy last night. Oh, okay. It's not the same day I didn't go to work under doctors' orders because of that possible heart attack. Totally different night, I promise. Right. Wink. Stay in there. Someone comes up and it was like, "Oh, hey, nice to see you. Not to me, the person I'm sitting on the table with." And they said, "Oh, nice to see you." And they turned to me and like, "You're Tom." Right? And I was like, "No, I'm not." Tell me you're wearing something. They said, "Detch." I wish I was. Okay. Yeah. Uh, I was like, "No, I'm Ted." Oh, yeah. I knew it was a T in three letters. Yeah, I get that a lot. So I turn around. "Tom, nice to meet you." Unbelievable. I was like, "I nearly was a scary ghost, man." And this is the thing that I get. Where did I go? Moko. The guy's like, "Where's my remote?" I hit it with one of them. One of the favorite things at work is that, you know, both of them have this weird ability to be able to like stand next to someone and they don't know where they're. Yeah. And my usual thing is, yeah, I'm pretty quiet for a man my size. I'm just as surprised as you are. I tell people I'm a ninja. Right. I'm a fat ninja. Right. It's just staying there waiting. He turns and literally hits the ceiling. Oh my go. How long have you been there? I don't know. 30 seconds. You should peripheral, bro. Dude, I'm not timing. Yes. Can you not look off to your left and right? Yeah. What are you looking down to your phone? Do I need to put a red light down to the ground so you can see that I'm coming? Yeah. He's like, "Are you a comedian?" And I was like, "Well, you know, barely, but sure why? Because someone put up my flyer at work on the community board and he's like, "Well, is that your show?" And I'm like, "Yeah, it's my face." He's like, "Well, I'm not really good at faces." I'm like, "Right, but it's my face." But I'm right here in front of you. There are 30 of us in this building. Yeah. After about a dozen, I can't remember any more faces. Dude, I was afraid it was going to double up after 25. I was done reading. I don't even know. Yeah. There were 30 of us in the building, 27 are women. Yeah. You could remember three dudes. Yeah. One of them being you. Yeah. Yeah. Look. Exclude yourself. You're not on the flyer. Okay. Exclude shuttlecock. I love it. It's like we have kidnapped the shuttlecock. Yeah. And now we're asking for ransom by cutting out the pieces of paper. Yeah, the eagle. You'll never see this eagle again. The eagle looks really, really mad. Unless you give us the shuttlecock. You want to get it? Tell you what? Everybody lie and beat you. You want to give me the shuttlecock? Yeah. For 17. Yeah. That was just like. But it's my face. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No. He's like, "Well, we're kind of recognized the name." And then I was like, "You know what's great though?" If he would have turned, he would win. We need to adopt. This is the guy I don't want to say his name. It's not Tom. It's not Ted. But it starts with T and S3 letters. And he's the one that we get. I get called his name. Yeah. He's called my name. Like. So it has my face. A T name with three letters. And it's not you. It's not you. We've ruined you out. You didn't go. I bet it's him. You want to know what's weird though. If he's anything like me, he would look at you and be like, "Am I doing comedy?" Wait a minute. Am I? Do I know Mike too? Am I going to be in? Am I Mike too? So, in a little behind the scenes, this is funny. I asked Ted when I kind of heard what was going on. I said, "Do me a favor. Please don't do it on a Friday night because my son plays football. I'll never miss a football game." Ever. You know that. And I want to go. I want to go because it's my hometown. I support Ted. And a realistic thing is too, I'm not even trying to be ignorant. If I'm not there, you're going to get asked by everyone. And it's not because it's just because we're always together doing stuff in Wilmington. You know what I mean? You're going to have to justify why I'm not there. We went solo. I'm Simon. He's a car phone. Yeah, right. Yeah. Behind the music. But what I laughed about was he put it on the 21st where on vacation, Nicole comes to me because I saw it. And everybody was sharing. By the way, everybody was sharing that. That was phenomenal. For him. That was really cool. I mean, as the amount of people that are like, "Let's pack this place out. Let's do this for Ted." That was pretty cool. Yeah. But I say to him, like I said, I wouldn't cry. He's like, "I don't get what you're talking about." What? I didn't see it yet. You're like, "What are we talking about?" I'm on vacation. I'm not on social media. And then all of a sudden, he's like, "I said I wouldn't cry." And I'm like, "I don't know what you're talking about, but..." Yeah. Okay. I don't know what he's talking about, but I hope it's really sad for you. Do it away. Nicole comes up to you and says, "Good news bad news." Yeah. She goes, "Good news bad news." She goes, "Hey, it's on a Saturday." I'm like, "All right." She goes, "It's Chuck and Mrs. Homecoming." And I go, "Ohh." Like that. So I text you and I remember what I said, I go, "Hey, I go, "Good news bad news." You said, "One thing." You had nothing to do with you. I did the one thing. And then his next sentence goes, "I guess I have to explain everybody where you're not there." And then I said, "Good news bad news." Good news is, I didn't put it on a Friday. No, I said, "Good news bad news bad news says you can't make it." Good news is, John's writer says, "You can't come." That's what he said. So then I was like, "Yeah, I guess I've explained to everyone, but, you know, I do what you got to do. If you won't be there, I won't be hurt." He's like, "No, I'm going to make it." And I was like, "If you won't be there, I won't be hurt." You don't understand. And I'm like, "I'm coming for the VIP seats." That's what I'm coming for. Did I stutter? Yeah. So anyway, we got, let's do strange stories. Strange stories. Okay. This one sounds like many people we know. Same man. Small people we know? Just many people. Just little ones. Same man caught at same airport, smuggling same drug, twice in one week. Wait. What? 100 percent. Yeah. 100 percent. So it says on July 14th, a flight from Amsterdam, the Netherlands, arrived at the Seattle Tacoma International Airport. Now, you just got on an international flight. Sea-tech. Yeah. But you got an international flight. I got to think you're probably getting searched really, really hard. Yeah. Some passengers exited the plane and began making their way through to customs. One man, however, caught the customs field's agents' attention. He was a 43-year-old U.S. citizen and there was something weird in his luggage. So he was referred to the CBP for a secondary. Bong-doo. Bong-doo. Inspection. Cocaine. Yeah. So when going through the man's bags, they discovered quite the hall. The piece at his piece de resistance of his illicit goods was ketamine. Okay. He was carrying both powdered and liquid forms, highly hallucinogenic drug. Put together, he had 12 pounds of ketamine in his bags, considering the average ketamine dose and recreational use is less than 100 milligrams or .00003 ounces. He has 12 pounds. Maybe he's going to fight a liar later. Yeah. Yeah. Here's a deal. You're going to take this ketamine. Okay. And then we're going to fight. Okay. I need to find the 9 percent of people. Including Damon. Yeah. Because I added one there. Yeah. That think they can box a liar and get them this ketamine. And isn't that where my math went when I was like, listen, it's going to go online. Yeah. I'm going to add me. And that's going to make it 9 percent. Makes it a whole 1 percent more. Like this was an episode of The Family Feud. Surveyed 100 people answers on the board, Damon, just one comes up to one plus Damon. Yeah. So it says, yeah, that's a lot of ketamine. But wait. As the late Billy Mayes would say, there's more. In addition to ketamine, the man was also carrying two pounds of morphine. This is for after the fight. This guy's got his man. That's what it is. Yeah. He's like, listen, if he does, baby, he's going to want to hunt me. I'm going to put him out with the morphine. It says, finally, they discovered almost three ounces of gamma hydroxubutrate in the man's bag. I don't know what that is. It's all, it's stuff is notorious for being used as a date rape drug. So it's basically a ecstasy or whatever. Great. That sounds fantastic. We don't know what the man was planning to do with his haul. I think we do. Yeah. You know, I honestly think we do. Yeah. Okay. I don't think that he was bringing it home to collect it. Hey, did you see my seashells and my ketamine collection? You know what I mean? I have rare coins and about 12 pounds of ketamine. Did you see my morphine and special K? Yeah. You know, I like to do them. I like to like make them solidified and make wind chimes out. Can you smell this racking? Tell me if you're supposed like camera, camera, hydroxubutrate. Do you remember what we would say that? Yeah. Chlora. Chlora floral. Yeah. Remember? Yeah. Flowers that smell like chloroform. That way she, she just, she gave in right away. Wow. Things that instantly better. That was back in like the first 10 or 15 episodes. This podcast is taking a journey. Yeah. And gone nowhere. So there's not much to say about the remainder of the day's events. They arrested the man and turned him over to the port of Seattle police. Uh, now it says back at it wasn't the end of the story. Just a couple days later, the staff at Seattle Tacoma probably did a double take when they saw familiar face in the security check line. The man had returned immediately. Are we in the matrix? Yeah. Dude. Did you guys see a black cat? Groundhog day. Are you Ned Ryerson? What are we doing here? Do you have ketamine, Ned Ryerson? But it said he had gone to jail after his initial drug bust, but he had posted bail and been released. I got a feeling if you got 12 pounds of ketamine, you got bail money. If you get 12 pounds ketamine, you got 12 more. Yeah. Right. I had 24 pounds. You didn't see the other 12. Yeah. Second verse, same as the first. Yeah. Says however, he clearly didn't reflect on his actions at all. He didn't become a better smuggler. Maybe try a different airport. Yeah. You're at the same airport. Yeah. You're like, Hey, Jonathan, remember me? I'm the guy. You know what the 12 pounds of ketamine and the date rape drug? That was me. Yeah. That was this guy. Hey, I just need you to get up on the wall assumes a position. It was two days ago, bro. Yeah. You remember once the security personnel learn your name and face, you won't verily they will invariably pull you out of line for an extra close screening every single time they see you. Again, hence, let's do a different airport. Yeah. Hey, we need to pull you out of line. Oh, is it a random screening? No, no, it's a targeted screen billy. You know exactly what you are. Yeah. We know who you are. You want to just hand us the K and the, yeah, and the morphine. Yeah. You can put that scary ghost sheet over your head. We know who you are. Yeah. We know who you are. So, but it said the man had purchased tickets to fly to London. Can you guess what he wanted? Why he wanted to return to Europe? You got it. More ketamine. Okay. You got it. You get the ketamine so they can't get it here. They confiscated a half a pound of the drug from the man's checked bag. He's going to get some. You don't take it with you. Well, yeah. You do. He's like, Hey, I don't really speak the language. It's, it's England. I know I get it. It's weird. I need this. I need this. Yeah. I need this. I need this. I brought this for visual aid. That's what you tell the guy. You're like, Look, that's a visual aid. I didn't sell that. He gets over there and then show him Google lens and he feels stupid. I put a left at home on the counter, but you can't do a little fingertip of Google lens. Yeah. Yeah. That's special. Yeah, that's kind of me. That's what it is. So it says they confiscated the half pound of the drug from the man's check bag. Not as impressive of the halls. The first one, but it's something and says long story short, the man was arrested again. He's now facing charges of ketamine possession. Sounds familiar. Okay. With intent to distribute. Okay. Do you think when he had 12 pounds, he had an intent to distribute when you got a half a pound? Like you said, it's probably visual aid. You're right. You go over there and you're like, Huh? Tada. You're going to need this? Huh? Huh? You know? That'd be me. I'd be like, Wait, take a minute. Hey, remember that order you placed? I'm about to give it to you on totally unrelated. I just needed 11 and a half pounds of baby powder real quick. Right. I got a rash. I used hotel soap on the travel over here. You can't get that shit off. You can't get it off. Where can they find his dad? I need the episode with hotel soap, two episodes in a row. Yeah. This one goes out to hotel soap. It's called shuttlecock. I rubbed it all over my head. That's going on. He plans to have checks out and all the socials that checks out. W-D-T. Hey, the sound, the song you're not hearing right now is by Healy's house, dad, Healy proprietor. Right. There it is. That's it. It's called shuttlecock. TCO has produced that checks out. That checks out. It's been a TCO production. That's the way it sounds better. Yeah. In video village. I don't know where he went. I think he went out for smokes. He had to go. Jerry's gone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Makayla back in audio production. Much better than Mack because she didn't interrupt with her really size and shoulder hidden. Wait, what? What? We'll catch you guys next time. Makayla. Yeah. Yeah. (gentle music) [BLANK_AUDIO]