The Johnny Salami Podcast
Sam Lichtenstein
I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. Well, I love you, Matty Dick. And I'd meet you, Matty Dick. Why did you leave me here? Goodbye, if you're not. Oh, well, I've heard him. Oh, and, baby, it's not a lie. And I think of he will cry. And I tell you what I thought of bringing back my lawn. This is a good fucking gay, dude. This is incredible. Thanks, dude. Yeah. It's pretty good, man. Honestly, though, look with death. Yeah. It's a little intense for me. And it's something with death on it, I'm like... Yeah, it's pretty, like, hype. It's pretty hyped up. Like, yeah, I've, like, I, like, got, like, a sickness or something from it, like... You have, like, in the past? No, no, no, but, like, if I did, because I'm always worrying, like... And I told someone, like, I drank something with death in it. If I told my mother, she'd be like, "Well, why'd you..." Yeah, like an older woman or something? Yeah. I'd be like, "You shouldn't have done that." Yeah. An older Jewish woman, why'd you do that? What do you think you would name, like, your own water brand, if you had it? Probably just, like... Hey, hey, guy. Really? Yeah. It's pretty peaceful, man. Water. Probably be, like, confusing, though, dude. Yeah. You know, people would be like, "Hey, can I get a hey guy?" Yeah. You know? That's kind of like, that's a cool name, though, dude. Yeah. That'd be cool if, like, there weren't, like, legality issues with, like, naming products. Yeah. Is there already a hey guy, water? No, but if, like, I named the water company? Yeah. It should be, like, fucking boner farts. Boner farts? Yeah. Boner farts, LLC. Okay. You could probably start that. You think so? Yeah. 100%. That'd be fucking sick, dude. Yeah. You know? Boner farts, LLC. Like, a water company, though? I don't know if you could put it in, like, 7/11, but, like, I think you could, like, totally... Well, I'm just saying if you could make, like, if there was actual, like, freedom of fucking anal and shit. Because, like, obviously, you can't, like, name a company, like, anything in mature, but if you could, like, the way the world would fucking, you know? Yeah. You know? Freedom of fucking people. But, you know, yeah. Yeah. That should be the 28th Amendment, freedom of fucking anal. Yeah. I've always wanted to meet a guy who, like, has, like, a fucked up job. Like, imagine me and a dude who owns, like, a dildo company or something. Yeah. And just makes bank. Yeah. You ever met one of those guys? No, but I'll read about them. Yeah. Like, I'll read about, like, uh, there's this dude... started, like, he started the black brand, like, the porn. It's, like, a Jewish dude, like, a fat Jewish dude. Oh, like, the genre? No, like, the porn company, like, it started out as, like... It's, like, only black dudes, though. Yeah, but it's a Jewish guy. It's just, like, a fat Jewish guy, yeah, yeah. Holy shit. Yeah, done. And so, you know... You can be Jewish and French. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. You could be Jewish in just about anything. It's crazy, dude. Yeah. Never met, like, a French Jew. Really? Yeah. I think I've met, like, one or two. There's a few. Why are French people kind of suck, right? Yeah, they hate Jews. But, like, they, they... There used to be a lot of French Jews. Yeah, like, French people just smell, like, fucking nuts. Yeah, I was just over there. Really? Yeah, I was there in May. What did it smell like? Just, like, cheeses and nuts. Just testicles. Just, like, dick cheese. Dick cheese. Did you bring it up? You don't want to be, like, too rude, because maybe I'll just say that I lose it both ways. I mean, it would be funny if that was the only thing you knew how to say in French. It's like, yo, it smells like dick cheese. Yeah. What is this, dude? Dick cheese is safe. It is my taxi. What do you... Do you think they would be offended? Like, do they get offended easily or no? Oh, yeah. Dude, have you ever seen a French person get offended? It's like the original person, like, because, like, French people are kind of gay. Like, they're, like, yeah, they're, like, they're, like, the original, like, people who got offended. Holy shit. Yeah. They're, like, the original Karens? Yeah, like, if you see, like, a French person get offended. Like, yeah, it's awesome. What does it like, though? You just, like, oh, this chicken, kind of, little rub. Oh, a lot of food, uh... Shit, boom. Say, chicken. So it's a lot of, like, restaurant shit. Yeah, like, they love... They don't want everything to be nice. They want everything, like, look good. You know, hot people, no Jews. Yeah. Fuck, man. Food good. Yeah. Tits tight. I wonder if they, like, uh... I wonder if they started the whole gay movement. Yeah, yeah. Filled up, like, a few boats. Yeah. After, like, World War II or something, just sent them over here. That was crazy. Sounds like my great-grandfather's fucking... Theory about the French. Really? Yeah. Just fun. He has the same theory. He, uh, my great-grandfather was actually stationed in... in France, uh, during World War II. What's World War II? Two. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he, uh, worked at the, uh, post office. Fuck, yeah, dude. Yeah. Does he ever talk about it? No, he's dead now. But my dad was, like, yeah, he hated the French. It's 'cause of the war, just in general. Yeah, because, like, they just, like, gave up immediately. Yeah. Like, they just... They lost in both World Wars, right? I think they won and won, and then in two, they just were like- I thought it was back-to-back losses. No, I think they- Didn't they win and win and win and win and win? I think so. Yeah. No? No, 'cause everyone always brings it up. No, two, they bring it. Really? Where are you where they bring this up? [laughter] Fucking, you know. Dance. Just coffee shop. So, like, what was, uh, what were the women like in France, dude? I'm sure, I mean, they have pretty hot chicks, you know? When you were walking around, you see, like, a lot of beautiful women. Oh, yeah, like, um... Yeah, there was some good one. But, you know, it's kind of like Brooklyn. Like, Paris is a little, like, Brooklyn where it's, like- Yeah. It's a little, like, tattered up chicks and, like, you know- A lot of creativity out there. Like, creativity. Yeah, Paris is, like, the OG creativity place. That's interesting, dude. Yeah. I didn't even know that, man. Yeah. So, it's basically just, like, Brooklyn. You basically went to Brooklyn. No, but it's, like, nice, though. Brooklyn's kind of, you know. Yeah. Well, I heard the food's nice during Europe, because it's like you can eat as much as you want. Like, they don't have, like, a lot of, like, sugar in their food and shit. Yeah, the food tastes, like, I have a lot of digestive issues, but, like, in Europe, I can just eat a lot. Really? And, like, without, like, issues. I wonder what it is. I don't know if it's, like, gluten or something or, like, the- I don't know, it just tastes like it's less processed, I feel like. Yeah. So, somebody was saying they went there and had, like, a shit ton of bread, and, like, didn't fucking shit their pants or anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah. I've been ripping fucking heaters, dude. Oh, yeah. Like, dimes. Oh, yeah, me, too. I've jacked up, like, my protein intake. Okay. I feel like a fucking- I don't even know, dude. Sometimes that fan says about, like, someone walking when I rip one. Really? Just, like- Like, a man or a woman? Woman. Yeah. Just, like- Just, like, upset with you. Like, so, man. Yeah. How mad are you at me? Yeah. Let me be. I ripped one into, like, the break room today. Really? And I was like, man, this is like- Proud of yourself. Well, I never found myself. Like, I deserve it. Yeah. One time I got a sonogram. You ever get one of those, like, for pregnant women? No. But, like, they'll just look at your intestines. Why'd you get one? Because I have, like, IBS. And, uh, the woman was kind of roasting me. For real? Yeah, she was like- So you just shit a lot? No, it's the opposite one. It's the constipation one. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. Sucks. Fuck, dude. Yeah, it's the opposite- You know, Grant Grant has, like, IBS. Diarrhea one. I didn't even know that, and I'm going to talk shit. And my dad has that, too. But I just have the one where I'm just back the fuck up. Like, it's a fucking BQE at rush hour. Which one would you rather have? I mean, you always fantasize about, you know, what you don't have, right? So, like, you know, I'd rather- I feel like you get out a lot of, like, a lot of situations with the other one. Yeah. It's really, yeah, I'm about to shit my fucking pants. Yeah. You know? Yeah, and I wish- I wish, man. Yeah. Sometimes. Yeah. I've been ripping fucking dimes, dude. And I'm not going to lie, dude. I kind of get shoved up when I rip, like, a good fart. Really? Yeah. Not, like, a full erection, but, like, a quarter shove. Wow. Yeah. Are you doing, like, no fapper? No, dude. I'm fapping- Relentless. Relentless, but I just feel like it's, like, a sense of pride where I'm, like, "Wow." Because I'll eat, like, eggs and, like, beef. And then have, like, a protein shake. Yeah. And just absolutely, like, rip into another dimension. And I can feel, like- Do you think that's how you would enter another dimension with the fart first? Dude, imagine if I, like, broke this simulation? And that would be fucking crazy. I get it now. Yeah, dude. It makes sense. It's, like, some Asian dude behind a computer You know? That's where you go? Like, that's the simulation. Oh, you think we're being played by an Asian dude? I mean, if we are, I think it's, like, some Asian dude. Like, he's like- Have you seen an Asian guy at the computer recently? Dude, they fucking- No. I used to have a roommate who's Korean. Play League of Legends eight hours straight. Yeah, I mean, Koreans are a little different, dude. And Asians? I think so, yeah. Okay. You don't really hear much about the Koreans, man. Really? Yeah. I hear about them a lot. Dude, I actually went- I actually talked to a Korean chick once. One time? Yeah, man. This was, like, four years ago. And my podcast was, like, really struggling, kind of like it is now, but, like, it was even worse. Oh, this is great, man. And this Korean chick who I went to high school with, she was one of those chicks, dude, that, like, she, like, kind of- She was, like, pretty ugly in high school. Not ugly, but kind of, like, a nerd. And, like, you know, the nerds that kind of grow up to be, like, super hot? Like, she was one of them, dude. Yeah. And she was Korean, bro. And she messaged me because she, like, saw a podcast clip or whatever. So we start talking, and she literally was like, hey, I'm surprised that you haven't asked me. And I was, like, asked you what? And she was, like, about, like, my ethnicity. And I just, I was, like, north or south. And she just never responded to her. I've done, that's a classic. Yeah. That's a good one. She did. She never talked me again. No, I was, like, sad. Yeah. But that's a good question, though, dude. Yeah, it is. Because it's a huge difference. Huge. Yeah. Like, create, like, just growing up in a fucking- Do you think you could date a North Korean chick? Yeah. Have you seen the one I went on, Rogan? She's, like, the- Huge knockers. Is she, like, the fucking refugee one? Yeah. They're all- What is that shit? What did she talk about? She, like, escaped some, like, war camp or something? I don't know. I just get, like, fucking enticed- Afraid the cardons. Yeah. I never saw that episode, but I always see clips of it, because I know it was, like, I heard it was, like, one of the best ones. Yeah. She was, like, I was so scared. Yeah. I think she escaped, like, a fucking- Yeah. Like a bang bust. A bang bust. They kept with jacking off on me. Imagine a bang bust in North Korea, dude. I've seen them in Japan for real. For real? In those videos? They have a bang bust in Japan. I don't think it's a bang bust, but it's a bust. Yeah. And then, like, it's one little lady. We're, like, 17 Japanese guys. Who's in the bus? Who's driving the bus? That's one funny lady. Y'all better sit down. Stop groping that lady. Oh, man. That's a big bust now, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I saw a fucking- I saw a special needs bust. Peel out the other day. Short? No joke. Short, yeah. Special needs bust. Oh, yeah. Why do they make them short for them? I think it's because they're not that many of them. Okay. You know. Plus, you have to know when they're approaching the building and shit. Yeah, you want to be near them. Yeah. Dude, this lady. No joke. Middle of a four-way intersection. Bro, peeled out, like, at least 10 feet. Made a skid marking shit. I was like, "Holy fuck." You know? She was driving the short bus? Yeah. Oh, fuck, yeah. You got to imagine they're having a good time, though. Yeah, but that's crazy, man. A bang bust in Japan. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, some of those videos- Japanese dudes, I'm like, they're the craziest- I've never seen any, to be honest. I think something happened with the atomic bomb where they just- They got radiation and then their sexuality is just, like, crazy. For real? Yeah, dude. They have some of the wildest videos I've ever seen in my life. I gotta check that out, man. That sounds legit. I know a lot of dudes who are, like, really into, like, anime and shit. Yeah. To the point where they'll, like, ball their eyes out. Baller? Oh, like- Yeah, I knew a dude once who cried to, like, Naruto and shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So, I'm sure he's probably watching some of that stuff. He just, like, you know? Yeah. His eyes became x's. Oh, so sad. Yeah, I've never even seen Naruto, dude, but I have these shorts. I got them at Walmart, dude. Whoa. Dude, $5. Wow. Yeah. They're on the clearance aisle. You can find some good shit there. Dude, I was in a Walmart in Ohio recently. Oh, shit. Just doing some fucking, you know, retongue. What are they doing over there? It's crazy. For real. It's, like, put- get the scooter. Fucking get the Mountain Dew. Yeah. Get the fucking Cleveland Browns jersey. And just fucking, we're going to town. Bro, that's why I fucking love Walmart, dude. It's crazy. Because, like, dude, you'll be in the parking lot and you'll see, like, wild shit, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Like, some dude just, like, ghost rides a fucking cart into, like, a Mercedes. Like, the alarm goes off. Yeah. You go in, dude, and you just get the fucking best deals ever, man. Yeah. You know? So, it's, like, kind of worth it in the end. Do you get one of those scooters? No. I don't know if they- I don't even know if they have them anymore at the Walmart I go to. Oh, really? Yeah. They got them in Ohio. I feel like a lot of people have their own custom scooters now. Yeah. Dicked out. They're pimped out and shit, you know? Imagine that pimp my ride with- Yeah, that's for fucking- Dude, that's fucked, man. How those people are so fucking fat. They can, like, walk to the scooter and then start using it. Yeah. Fat fucking idiots, dude. It's crazy. You just, like, see- It's crazy when you, like, see it, like, in the process. Like, what's their game plan for how they're going to get to the matter? Bro, I've seen some fat dudes who, like, are fine. Like, they'll just walk to it and they're just, like, lazy as fuck. So they're, like, all right, I'm just going to- Post up. Just going to rip this. Post up. Yeah. Have people feel bad for me and shit. Yeah. You know? I see people like that all the time. Yeah. Where I go to the gym, there's, like, one of those injury places. People, like, claim injury, but everyone outside looks fine. And they go in and they're, like, fuck. You know? My Mountain Dew won't open, man. Yeah, dude. Y'all help me open code red? Dude, I think that's a sickness, though. What? Where they're, like, uh, they're just, like, addicted to that. Like, that's their life. Yeah. It's just, like, basically, like, slipping balls and shit. Oh, you, like- They're just, like, addicted to, like, the empathy that they get from, like, the- Yeah. You know? Well, they get the best parking spots. Yeah. All righty. It's basically, like, those dudes in the ER. You ever see, like, you ever go to the ER? You see those dudes who are, like, they're every day. The ER? What's the- Like, the emergency room? Oh, the ER, yeah. Like, if you ever been in, like, there's always a dude who's, like, a regular there. Dude, regular. It's in pretty much every ER. Dude, this dude who goes all the time, you know, like, fake his injury. Yeah. He's like, "I can't breathe." Oh, okay. Like, while your vitals are fine, he's like, "I fucking can't breathe." It's like that dude just, like, in love with just, like, seeing tits and, like, getting nurtured. Oh, no. Oh, shit. You think he's getting the- I think he's gone for the titties. The only way I can breathe again is if I suck on a tit. It's like I only have one day left. Where's Shirley? Yeah. Yeah, fuck those guys, man. One time I fucking, when I was, like, a kid, I, like, choked on a chicken finger. And, like, I, like, freaked out. And, like, I had to get an ambulance call on me. But it wasn't, I wasn't even bad. I just, like, burped. I remember I burped, and the ERs were there. Yeah. And you're like, "Are you okay?" And then I just burped, and I was like, "Actually, I'm fine. You guys keep going." Did you feel like a pussy afterwards? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went, "What's wrong with you?" Damn, dude. I've done that so many times. What? Just going to the ER and being like, "Well, I feel like a pussy right now." Yeah. I should have died, you know? Be a man. I went for, like, what happened? Oh, dude, I was getting, like, stomach cramps. Really bad. And I was at the gym with my friend. And I couldn't even walk, dude. I was like, "Holy shit." But it was because I ate a whole bag of fucking almonds, dude. And then I fucking chugged the PDolite, and all the sodium. I was already dehydrated. All the sodium, like, fucked me up, dude. Yeah. It's, like, four in the morning, dude. I'm, like, fucking trying to rip ass and, like, try and, like, get something out of me, dude, and, like-- Oh, man. I mean, like, so much pain, bro. Yeah. And I just drove to the ER. And there were so many hot nurses, dude. And they were so nice to me, dude. What's the address? Oh, it's in Rhode Island. Oh, shit. Oh, so you can drive there. I mean, dude, every fucking ER has hot chicks. I feel like that's not true in fucking Queens. Maybe a little bit like Guatemalan chicks or something, you know? They're there, man. Probably not as much here, but-- Yeah. Yeah, man. These chicks were just, like, I forgot what they thought I had. I think it's like when your stomach fucking pops, something, like, bleeds out on your stomach or some shit. Oh, my God. That's my nightmare. Oh, no. They thought I had appendicitis. Oh, shit. Yeah. But I didn't. You're, like, actually, I just ripped a bag of fucking almonds. Yeah. You want to see me do it, man? I had, like, an infection in my intestine, dude, but I was hoping it was an appendicitis. You had an infection in your intestine? Yeah. From eating nuts? Yeah. From just being dehydrated and fucking-- I was at the gym just going hard as fuck, dude. You know? Oh, shit. Damn. Or they could have just been lying to me to just make me feel better. You know, they do that. Did you say you used to have a truck that, like, flames on it? Yeah. Did you drive that to the yard? Mm. That would be sick. Maybe. I think back then, yeah. I went so hard. I parked by myself and walked in by myself, dude. Yeah. I think back then, I would have had that truck, dude, for sure. Wow. Yeah. That's awesome, man. Yeah, dude. But why'd you go to Europe, though, dude? Oh, I just went with my family. Oh, for real? Yeah, with my family. You went with the boys? Well, two ladies and two boys, yeah. Yeah. Fuck, yeah, dude. Yeah. And then I went-- they let went back and then I went-- What? How bad I did? That was fine. I just have a family full of boys. Yeah, dude. I was just thinking about, like, wicked fucked up shit when you said that. Oh, really? Like, family of AK? Oh, shit. You know? Like a porno. Yeah, just like a porno, dude, my bad. You gotta watch these Japanese ones. I think you're going to really like them. Yeah. That's-- They have to pixelate. Throw it up on the projector, dude. I've been watching a lot of that family of AK stuff, dude. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's not good, man. I don't-- I don't think I've seen that. Yeah, just like some dude's stepmom comes in with, like, fucking-- Like, I can't believe it's not butter. It starts, like, throwing it on the walls and shit. Just, like, whips out her tits and you're like, "Holy shit." Wow. Yeah. She's like, "I'm going to clean this mess up." Yeah. He's like, "You're my stepmom." We can't do this. Cut! You have to do it. Yeah. Damn, bro. Yeah. You had a projector? Yeah, I got a projector a while back. Who's, like, screenings? It's just-- No, I like to keep it to myself, man. Okay. Yeah, I feel like a-- Dude, you should get one, though, honestly. It's, like, totally worth it. I want to, yeah, eventually. I did. 'Cause I'm going to watch in, like-- I don't watch porn on my projector. 'Cause that would be fucking terrible, but-- Why do you think that would be terrible? Uh, I mean, like-- I don't really have internet. Like, I have an Xbox and shit, but I don't have, like, a browser, you know? Oh. So, um, that's the biggest thing. Also, like, when you have, like, surround sound. Yeah. If I'm not really, like, conscious of the volume. Yeah. Dave told me, like, he'd just be blasting cars. Yeah. Sometimes I don't even know, like, my surround sound's on. 'Cause I get the headphones on. It just sounds like fucking World War II, dude. But yeah, man, dude, projectors are fucking sick. And they're pretty cheap, man. Oh, yeah? You can just, like, a 4K one, dude. Mm-hmm. Watch, like, planet Earth, dude. If you watch a good movie on that, man, have a fucking movie night, dude. Just invite the guys over. Japanese bang bust. Yeah. Fucking jerk each other off, dude. That'd be crazy, man. Dude, if you were with a bunch of dudes and, like, you were watching Japanese bang bust, and, like, one of your boys was like, "Yeah, you trying to jam me off? You think you would do it?" I think, um, up to the point where he was like, "You're trying to jam me off." Yeah. Have you ever thought about what you would do if, like, one of your boys kind of, like, got a little gay? Yeah. I know gay people. No, I'm saying dudes who you, like, thought were straight. Thought was straight, okay. So, like, you're, 'cause I've never even thought about that, dude. Oh, yeah. But I've heard it happen multiple times. What do you mean? Like, dudes who are just, like, they identify as straight. Okay. You know, you'll hear stories about, like, a sleepover or something where, like, dudes are just jerking each other off. Like, straight dudes. Just for fun. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I'm just trying to think of, like, what would lead into that? Like, are you playing, like, naked twister or something? Like, what led to that? Yeah, like, the elephant game, and you see, like, the frat hazing or the, like, fucking... Yeah, but it's not even, like, you're not even getting anything out of it, you know? What would lead up to that? 'Cause, like, back in the day, I feel like if a dude did something gay to me, I'd be like, "What the fuck?" Okay. But, like, nowadays, you kind of be like, "You gotta be more mature," you know? Yeah. Just be like, "I'm not gay, dude." Just, "What? What the fuck?" Yeah, dude. All right. Six years ago, I'd be like, "What the fuck? Get out of my fucking yard!" Now, what is he doing in your yard? He's just, like, soliciting. Yeah. He's, like, soliciting. He's just assuming he's gay. He's using the hoes. He's using the hoes. [laughter] He's using the hoes the wrong way. He's shooting at his ass. Just, like, some guys telling solar panels and you just, like, assume he's gay. [laughter] You're like, "I'm not fucking gay! Get my energy from a coal mine! Go fucking man!" Dude. That is kind of funny, though, to just assume someone's gay. Yeah. You know what I mean? The Fios guy. [laughter] He's like, "Do you want to save $60 a month?" And you're like, "Dude, I'm not gay." [laughter] Why don't you get the fuck out of here, man? Yeah. You see fucking phrase your posters in my fucking room, dude? No. But I grew up down the road from my dude who, uh, I was, like, best friends with him for a while, man. And he's, uh, I believe he's homosexual. Like, he's a homosexual now. He, like, grew into it. I don't think he, uh... Whoa. But then I think back, and I think about some of the shit we used to do, and I'm like, he could've been. Easy range. Yeah. So you guys... Dude, we used to jump off his pool deck and pull our pants down in front of his mom, like mid-air and just, like, flash her dicks at her. Oh, it's her mom. Yeah. That'd be funny if it was your dad. [laughter] His mom was so hot, dude. She would just watch us. Yeah. And we would just show our dicks to each other on the pool and shit. Just to each other, like, underwater? Yeah, like, he would dive down and just, like, whip out his cock. Oh, shit. I mean, we were, like, fucking nine, dude. So he would do it first? I think so. Could've been me, though, dude. And you were, like, respectfully? Yeah. He's like, "Dude, why are you hard?" [laughter] He's like, "What the fuck?" Yeah. [laughter] Fuck you. Mind me, the solar panel guy. Yeah. I just-- I always wonder why his mom was kind of, like, watching us do it, though. Whoa. You know, it was, like, she, like, she into this. She didn't-- My mom would have been, like, "Hey, stop that. I can't see her." One time I showed my dick to the handyman when I was, like, my handicap man. No. [laughter] Handicap the handyman. Well, you showed your dick to the-- Yeah, I was, like, his name was, like, like, he had a cow or something. And I was, like, a carpenter. He was, like, a carpenter, old. Yeah, we had a handyman. Like, a guy just fixed shit. My dad couldn't-- Oh, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you're pretty casual about it, dude. What do you mean? I thought you were talking about, like, a handicap person. No, no, no, like-- Like, at, like, a fucking Lowe's or something. [laughter] I was waiting in the handicap's-- This is where they park, right? [laughter] Oh, here comes one. Yeah. Wipe it out. He falls out of his wheelchair. Why'd you show your dick to a fucking carpenter, dude? Just a guy with a mustache. Yeah. I don't know, dude. I think you just was just, like-- Yeah. I just wanted to be, like, kind of funny, I guess. That is funny, man. Yeah. There's really a lot that's funny about that. Back then, dude, like, whipping out your cock, was, like, one of the funniest things you could do. Yeah. Nobody even, like, thought for a second it was gay either. Yeah, yeah. I had no, like, knowledge of that being gay. Like, I was, like, only eight years old. If someone explained to me what gay was, I would be like, "Yeah, you know what's confusing, dude?" It's like, remember when you used to take a piss, the urinal, and, like, some dude would stare at your piece? Yeah. And, like, kind of judge what you got going on. That's still what happened, I think. It's like, dude, what are you-- Like, what are you gay? Like, why are we judging flaccid cocks? Yeah. You know what I mean? I thought you were going to say, like, when, like, somebody would, like, pull their pants all the way down, and, like, squirrel and shit. No, that was fine, man. That was fine. That was startling for me. Because, like, that was like, "Whoa!" I know we have-- We had a few special needs kids who would do that. Yeah, we had that in Asian kids to do it. Really? Yeah. I didn't even know that. We had a lot of special needs, and I grew up in a lot of Asian, a little heavily populated Asian. Would you grow up? New Jersey. OK, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. A lot of Asian kids. You probably thought a lot of the Asian kids were special needs, though, right? Yeah. Yeah. Dude, we had one chick. I always think about her, because she would just run to all her classes. Because I don't think they have a lot of, like, special needs kids in Asia, do they? No. I don't think so. Like, how would you even tell? Exactly. You know? Are they just, like, get a math problem wrong? Yeah, that's true. You'd have to be in the classroom to figure it out. Cena fucking-- Dude, Cena's special needs. Asian would be sick, though. I think I've seen a few. What were they doing? Dude, this chick would just, like, run. Really? From-- She'd, like, sit down her desk, pack up, run to her next class. We're, like, what the hell? Like, she's not-- There's no way she's late. It was just great, like-- That's not even that bad, though, dude. Yeah. I think we're going to say something else. Oh, okay. She's, like, selling Pokemon cards to, like, teachers and shit or something. No, that would be, like, a good business, I guess. Yeah. Because all the Asian kids in my school, they have, like, the best Pokemon cards. Yeah, they get them straight from the phone. Yeah, like an ancient Mew. Oh, shit. There's only, like, four of them in the world. There's, like, a legit one, too. Oh, shit. I was, like, dude, you better put that away, man. Like, that's risky. Yeah. He's, like, whipping it out in the fucking playground and shit. Yeah. Like, dude, somebody could come here and fucking kill you. Yeah, show me your dick instead. Yeah, Asian cocks are fucking wild, bro. Dude, I went back to my gym recently in my hometown. Yeah. Old dude just fucking just walking around naked. Really? The little fucking-- It's so true. It's crazy how it gets that small, man. You know? That's what I said to him. I said, "It's crazy." As he will find me. You're talking about Asian dudes or just New Jersey people? Asian dudes, dude. Yeah. Just Jersey, guys. Yeah. I don't know, man. Like, there's a lot of small cocks out there, and it's like, dude, if I-- I don't think I'll get that small, but if I do, I'm just gonna, like, jerk off. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I'm gonna get hard before I take it out. Yeah. I probably just-- If my cocker ever got that small, I'd just do, like, full Asian face. Like, I would only dress in kimonos and shit. Like, a kimono dragon? Yeah. I would have a kimono dragon that would bring around. Just going into locker rooms like that, dude. Yeah. That'd be fucking sick, man. You don't bite ya. Yeah. Dude, if you dressed up as a kimono dragon and went into an open shower, yeah, started taking out people's legs. [LAUGHING] [LAUGHING] Oh, God. What the fuck? Dude, we should do that. Get, like, a camera crew and shit. Yeah. Get a camera crew. I'd like you to watch the fuck out. You know? Yeah. Didn't say-- it said no pets, but didn't say no dragons. Yeah. Kimono dragons are fucking sick. Yeah. You ever see that documentary on Netflix? About-- I've seen a lot of animals. The one with the kimono dragons. There's a lot of-- Really? Yeah. I've been watching Chimp Crazy. Okay. Yeah. Is that new? Yeah, yeah, it's about chimps. Is it good? Yeah, yeah, it's pretty good. Fuck me, I got to check that out. I get emotional, though. I was watching one of the planet Earths. It's like one of the iguanas, dude. It's like a family of iguanas, dude. And they all get taken out by these snakes. I've seen that clip again. And then that one gets away, and you're just legit. Like, I'm just like, in tears, man. I'm like, dude, you better fucking get away. You know? That's just like me. Then the snake wraps him up, dude. And he, like, gets out. Yeah, I've seen it. Holy shit, dude. It's like a Barry Sanders room. Yeah. It's crazy, man. Such an emotional rollercoaster. Yeah. It's like I can't keep dealing with this. Do you feel like that you're like the iguana? Bro, I saw a fucking-- You should-- you watch Netflix? Yeah. Dude. In between Jeff-- I think it was called the Backwoods or something. It's with that girl from Stick It, the gymnastics movie. You ever see that? No. If you haven't jerked off to that, dude, you're missing out. It's a key. When you were growing up, you never saw Stick It. No, no, no. Oh, it's a classic, dude. It's like a gymnastics movie. But yeah, there's a chicken in this movie. He was in that. And then some other dude. And this guy just like takes his-- He takes his check on our trip into the woods. And he's going to propose to her, dude. But, dude, he gets eaten by a fucking bear. Bro, and they show the bear eating him. And like, I'm like, all right, watching like gruesome shit. Like, I'm not that like, you know? Yeah. Affected by it. Something about this, though, dude just fucked me up so bad. I think it's because I thought-- They made it seem like it was kind of like a normal occurrence for a bear to do that. Where was he? Is it in the backwood somewhere, dude? Like, fucking-- It's like about taking a-- I don't know what state it was in. It showed like the name of the park. And it said based on a true story. Dude, so I'm like freaking out after this. I'm like, how rare are like bear occurrences? Like, how often do bears eat people? Yeah. And it was like one in a million. Yeah, yeah. Like two a year, maybe. Yeah. And it's only if you like fuck with it, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, if you're in it's fucking hood. Yeah. But yeah, dude, it fucked me up so bad. It showed the bear like eating like his fucking intestines and shit. Oh. I was like, holy fuck. What's this movie called? It's either Backwoods or the Backwoods. Oh, okay. It's a critically acclaimed movie. That's what I'm doing, dude. I just go to the critically acclaimed movie section. Hey, check you out, man. They're all fucking good, man. Hell yeah. You know? You ever seen Grizzly, man? No. That's a bad dude who like-- Is that a porno? Yeah, he fucks bears. He fucks crazy. He basically kind of like he really like falls in love with like Grizzly bears. Really? Yeah, it's crazy. Fuck man. But they don't show when he gets eaten. He like builds a relationship with him? Yeah, yeah. It's Werner Herzog movies. The guy, the German guy who's like-- He passed away. No, he's still alive. Well, the guy who like built a relationship with the bears. Yeah, he got eaten. By like a bear he was close with? Yeah, he was close with like all of-- And his wife got eaten. Oh, shit. Yeah. They got eaten together? I think so, yeah. Wow. Yeah. That's a good way to go out, man. They play the audio, bro. It's the hard part. Oh, really? Yeah, oh, shit. How'd they get it on audio? So he recorded everything. Why on the audio though? They didn't get the video? I don't-- What do you think they just didn't publish it? Yeah, it was one of those like Blair Witch thing. Blair Witch like-- Yeah, yeah. It just happens off camera, I think. Yeah. You think they made up the audio or you think it's like real? Oh, he died. He's dead. And end his fucking girlfriend or wife or whatever. Yeah, but do you think they like, um, like, you know, manufactured it? Like the audio. Just the audio. Just to make it seem like a little more. Oh, I'm so scared. It's a hairy. Yeah, that shit fucked me up, dude. Something about bears, man, eating you. Yeah. Because it's just like, yeah, even in like chimps. You think about chimps like ripping your face off and shit. Dude, I'm just like, fuck, man. Dude, in that doc, they go through like this, this one happened, this one, uh, chimpanzee attack in Connecticut. Yeah. Rip this chick's hands straight from her body. Yeah. Or they do that. They like literally rip your arms off. Yeah. Yeah. They'll like peel your skin off and shit. Yeah. They're fucking insane. Fuck, man. Yeah. I wonder if they're related to like the devil or some shit. You know? You think we are? Because they're like 98%. No, the chance. They got one to why they're so evil, dude. Well, they're 98% like us, dude. Yeah. Which is like, maybe people are equal too, bro. Shit. Did they bring that up and shit? What? Oh, like similar we are? Like, do they bring that up a lot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to take a piss, dude. Oh, we can take some phone calls. Take some phone calls. You have phone calls in? Oh, yeah. Hey, John, this is, uh, this fits here. Yes, I got the situation for you. For you that I would love your, uh, your interpretation and your advice on it. So basically like, I'm in a fraternity, you know? And, uh, I'm one of the older members of the fraternity now. And so I have a girlfriend, you know. Uh, but in my youth, um, a few years ago, when I was younger in the fraternity, uh, I got with this chick. Uh, now she got with like a bunch of off turbos and she like makes it a point that like, her first person she got with was, uh, me and she like brings it up in front of my girlfriend. She like brings it up in front of people. And like, it's not like raising like she's a good looking girl. Just like, it's the fact that she's like, actively trying to embarrass my girlfriend. But she's like, she's always around. And like, she spreads a lot of people in the fraternity. I don't know how to bring it up. Like, hey, you guys stopped doing that because you got to respect my girlfriend, who is the only person who I'm with now, obviously. Um, so yeah, I would love some advice. Uh, yeah, um, thanks, John. I love it. He's acting like it's like a legitimate problem. Like, dude, I would kill to have that problem. Dude, he's killing it. Just another girl being like, yeah, you know, I used to get with John, especially if it was like good. He was like first. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, his girlfriend's probably struggling, dude. Yeah. He should have mentioned like how it was, you know. Yeah. Because like, if he was doing, now all of his boys know, like what that chick is, uh, what she's putting out, you know? Yeah, that's true. But I wonder if that other chick has like a specialty, you know, she's serving up some like, desert and stuff, dude. You know, licking gooch and sucking nips and shit, you know? Yeah. She's doing like crazy shit. It's kind of funny. The first time she gets with that. You're talking about the first. Yeah, crazy. Just coming to the. The one is like hooking up with his other, his bros. Oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, oh, okay. So she's hooking up. And then she's telling his girlfriend like, oh shit. That he was like the first one. Damn. Yeah, that's a, that's annoying. Yeah. I would. I feel like it's more of like a girl issue, you know? Yeah. Because girls are very like, touchy about that. Yeah. You know? Yeah, yeah. Because then the girl's going to be like, oh, like his girlfriend's probably like, oh, look, what do you guys do? Like, you know? But I think around here, man, most people probably just have like an orgy, right? Oh, yeah. With her. Like everyone should invite everyone over. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Just to kind of see like what everyone's got in the tank. Yeah, that's how you solve the problem. Yeah. Suggest an orgy. Go to like an event planner and like get some like legitimate invitations. Ooh. Should invite everyone, dude. Next frat party, like an orgy. A gay event planner. Yeah. You'd have like a blow bang. So you guys want a blow bang? I'm going to get a big moon castle for the blow bang. I mean, dude, think about it though. Like if you got, if you were in a fraternity and you got an invite to an orgy. Yeah. Like you found out there's going to be a, a bouncy house and like classic rock. And like, putting fights and shit. I'm like, I'm going, dude. Like fights. Even knowing that some of my boys are going to be there. Yeah. I'll show cop, dude. Yeah. I mean, I'm going to jerk off like six times before I show up. But like, I'm going, you know what I mean? Dude, I jack off once and it's like days over. Yeah. No, I'm a one shot guy. Really? But like if I knew I was going to have to perform late at night, dude, you know. In front of my boys, like really put out, I probably have nothing left in the tank. Yeah. You know, that's a nightmare. You don't want that. Yeah. I'm just like soft. Come on, Johnny. Yeah. You're the best man. Yeah, dude. Just like a little fucking chode. So how do we stop this guy's problem, dude? I'm telling you, dude, have an orgy. Have an orgy. People talk, man, but are they going to show out? Yeah. Are they going to show that guy? Yeah. And maybe put that in the environment. Hire a gay event player to be like, I was with her or something. Or I was with him first, actually. You'd never like, you'd never done that, right? Like an orgy? No, I had a, I guess I paid for two prostitutes in Germany. Yeah, it's not. You paid for a threesome? Yeah. Are they like, okay, with that out there? They want that. So they can just like talk with their friend while they're doing it. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, I've never even been, I've almost had a threesome once. I was hanging out with both of these chicks who had boyfriends. Like I knew them. And we were like partying all night. And then they were like, oh, you should just come sleep at our place. And this chick like lived with her parents, dude. And I was like, you want me to sleep at like your parent's house? Yeah. And they were like, yes, dude. So like her parents said it was okay for me to go over. And we were all just sleeping in the same bed. The parents, dude. That's you. I was like, making out with her dad and shit. This guy fucking rocks. I would be funny. If I like went over, dude, and like, they were like, all right, like, keep it down. I just like spread into the parents room. Where's your dad? Like, let me suck that cock. Let me suck the homeowner off right now. Fucking steals fucking car and shit. That's just Johnny comes over and fucks me in leaves. Yeah, dude. I know for a fact that I could have done it. I just didn't have the balls. Really? Yeah, because they both had boyfriends, dude. Of which I knew. So you were actually like sleeping in the bed with him? Legitimately like in my boxers, dude. Sleeping with this girl like straddled me, dude. Like tried, you know, I was like, I can't do this. Because like, I knew her boyfriend. You know, yeah, you respected him. Yeah, I'm for the boys, man. You're for the boys. Yeah, I couldn't have done that. Dude, that woman fucked. I kind of wish I went back though and did it, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you still hold the guys in the same regard? No, no. That's what I'm saying. I should have gone back and just gone all out, dude. That's what I'm saying. Like this guy just needs to go all out. Because he doesn't realize like in a few years, man, like you're not going to have the same girlfriend. Like you're not even going to know those chicks, man. Yeah, like if I go back to college, bro, I would have literally just like gone to orgies. If I ever got invited, man, I would have like probably gotten like multiples STDs if I had the opportunity. Yeah, but I was just playing with my nuts, man. And I think about that all the time, man. I was just at Starbucks looking at hot chicks, just like listening to fucking landslide, dude. Feeling bad for myself, man. But I think everybody who like. I think we had some more college experience. Just getting no pussy, dude. Just hooking up with fat chicks, you know. So like if I go back, dude, I'd be shredding it. Yeah, I would be piping. I'd be piping as much as I can. Plus, dude, college chicks now are like bouncing around like it's fucking chunky cheese, dude. You know what I mean? No values anymore. Yeah, they're just, you know. Like this dude's probably going to get cheated on if he doesn't, you know. Yeah, do something or just something like, yeah, go all out. Yeah. There's a rip ass, maybe. Yeah, just fucking fart, dude. Bang chicks and then just move on. I was your first? Yeah. Fuck. Now you're talking. Oh, yeah. Let's see what else we got, dude. That is kind of funny, though. He's like talking like it was like a legitimate issue. Johnny said there's big problem in my life. Name's Fitz. Hey, dude. So I just wanted your opinion on whether or not I fucked up. Back when I was younger, I dated this girl that was like, you know, wife material, you know, for the most part, except for what I'm about to tell you. But anyway, she had huge tits, huge and awesome tits, a fat ass, like thick thighs, like, but was like in shape, you know, and like put out, you know, she was hot. And anyway, after like, I don't know, like a good bit into the relationship, I caught her bro, like eating her boogers, man. And it kind of just at the time, it just like changed things for me. And now, you know, I'm looking back, you know, like a few years later, after like, you know, dealing with, you know, just crazy bitches all the time. And I'm thinking to myself, like, damn, should I, should I have just lived with that? And then just had this hot ass bitch to fuck, even though she ate her boogers. So I don't, I don't, I don't know, man. I don't, I don't know if I'm fucking, I don't know. But yeah, I'm just, did I fuck up by by splitting up with that? Or should I have just like, this dude's hooking up with like, special needs chicks. Her helmet was sick. Now, man, honestly, like some of these chicks, you should send, they should send my way, honestly, man, that's not a big deal at all. I want to know, like, yeah, man, I have so many questions, bro. Yeah, like how often it's occurring, what type of boogers are we talking about in public or in private? Dude, I remember in elementary school, I like, there was this chick that like, everyone had a crush on. And her name was Brittany, dude. And we used to get in lines to go back into the building from Risa Institute. So we're waiting in line and this chick fucking sneezes like this. And then like, all as I saw was just like, mounds of snot, bro. And she just started fucking eating all of it, dude. Like, like a creature, dude. What do you mean? Like, even like, starting on, like, licking it, like, slurping it up and shit. It was so it was so much boogers, bro. Like, it was so much snot, man. Was he like, enjoying it or was he like, dude, she was like, really into it. Like, looking around, dude, I was watching the whole thing. And I don't know, man, like, that's, you know, but she was like, everyone had a crush on her, dude. And I just knew, man, like, this chick's into, like, eating her boogers and shit. And then I thought it was like a one-time thing, but dude, I would eventually see her do it again. Not as big. Like, she'd get, like, little small ones and yeah, man, it's pretty common. Oh, yeah. So this guy, you know, I don't know, man, I don't know if that's like a habit you break or you just like, you know, I, yeah, I would kind of maybe like, I mean, he really painted a picture of how not she was. I mean, yeah. You also, I mean, she shouldn't, she was like a great woman too, you know. Part of me, dude, kind of feels like if you have like a great woman in your life, bro, especially guys like us, like not trying to be a dick, but these chicks are going to have like, one big issue that you got to deal with. Literally the boogers. Yeah. Say, bring your friend around. She's doing everything else right. Just let her eat the boogers, you know. Bring your friends around. So, like, I mean, there's going to be something else, you know, I don't know what, but yeah, like if she's doing everything else, right, maybe you kind of, maybe she should get back with her be like, I'm sorry, like, yeah, what I do is fucked up. I don't care about your diet. I don't really get it though. The whole like, eat boogers thing. I, it's, I'm, you know, I'm not like a guy with like great habits, but I always drew the line. I don't, yeah, I had a booger wall. It was a kit. Really? But I never, it's like a bunch of souvenirs and shit. Yeah. Wow. Like, wow, look at that. You never ate them though. Never ate them. Yeah. That'll be wild. I taste them. I was like, oh, oh, man, you started licking the wall and shit. Dude, I would, they would have built a cage around my fucking, yeah. And I'm trying to think what I, I was, I still bite my nails. I just, and I get deep into it, dude. Oh, yeah. My fucking fingers are fucked up, dude. I haven't stopped. Yeah. You know, yeah, the boogers thing. I never got it, man. Yeah. I feel like all these guys are like with chicks, man. And I'm just like playing with my nuts and shit. So, okay. So I don't really know what kind of questions I'm supposed to ask, but I got a finger in my butt last night. And that shit was like actually kind of life changing. I'm not going a lot. Like my whole life, I just been coming. But like, I had an orgasm and that shit was different. You know, like, I don't know if I would be able to do this shit normal again, but either way, either way, either way, that's not important. That's not important. My question is, would you do it? Or are you like too scared, you know? Because like all my friends that I talked to about it, they're all like way too scared. And they're all like calling me a weirdo for it. But I'm like, nah, man, you just know you don't like it. And that's why you're not doing it. I don't know. I'm ranting. Much love. Oh, yeah, dude. Thanks to be honest, man. He said you got a finger up yet. I don't know. I didn't realize he was talking about himself. I thought he meant like another dude like popped one in him. Oh, so he, he did it to himself. I thought he meant like, which sounds like he was saying he did it like while he was jaying off. Yeah. So now he's going to start doing that like regularly. Yeah, you know, man, but then you got really like washer hands and shit. Yeah, that's fucking gross. You know, I don't think believer in like not going anywhere near my butthole, dude. Yeah. I kind of get what he's saying, though, dude, because like I said, dude, I've been ripping dimes and I'm getting a little shoved up from that. So that's interesting. Let me ask you this, dude. Yeah. See you with a hot chick, bro. She goes down on you. I'm loving it. And then goes right into Narnia starts tearing it up. I'll let her go. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Let her explore. And you're confident about that. Like, you're just like, yeah, I'd be like, whoa. All right. This chick likes to take a hike in the forest. Yeah, I don't have that type of confidence, man. What do you mean? What do you mean? I just feel like I would immediately let you be like, Hey, good at that. What do you think I am? What are you doing? I'm a wate. What you doing? Yeah. I don't know, man. If she came out alive, that would be impressive. I mean, yeah, you don't want her to, like, come out looking like she. Yeah. So I know for a fact, dude, if a chick went into my fucking Narnia, you know, for like a while. Yeah. I don't know, man. I think she might kill herself. You know what I mean? I don't think like right then and there, but I think like the next day, you see it on the news. Really? You know what I mean? She was such a beautiful girl, but that would be fucked, dude. There's some chick who's like, her fucking, you know, she has like bright futures, like, yeah, kills herself because she ate some ass. Yeah. You know, but I mean, that would be like one of the best reasons to commit suicide. Yeah. You know, that'd be a great true crime doc, too. Yeah. Everyone loved her in the town. But yeah, I guess this guy is just going to start like finger popping his ass on the rag, man. You don't want to be that guy, though. Yeah. You don't want to be doing it to yourself. This guy could be gay. That's what I was thinking. Yeah. And he seemed like he was a little fucked up and like struggling with it. Yeah. Maybe, you know. Yeah, man. Maybe you just need to like go out there and just figure it out. Take it, take an online quiz or something. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you, I don't think, I don't think you can finger your ass regularly and not be gay. Yeah. Regularly. Just clocking in. Yeah. And he's not, he sounds excited, too. He sounds like, you know, no, it's great. Yeah. He's like looking forward to it. I'm doing it right now as we speak. Yeah. That's wild, man. Yeah. At least he's proud about it, though. He was saying like he was like, you know, there's no way I would have told my friends. Yeah. I don't think I would have told anyone that. Yeah. There's no way. Yeah. That's fucking. All right. Let's see if you got one more, dude. I imagine these are from like all like a Walmart parking lot. Just clocking in what we called Johnny. Hey, man. I got a kind of strange question for you. I'm not too sure who to go to to ask it, but I was hoping to get your opinion on it. You know, recently I've had a pretty bad porn addiction, you know, every night getting to it. And it's been taking me a while to find a good video. You know, it takes me a good 15, 20 minutes before I find something settled with it. And last night, I finally did it, took me a little longer, 25 minutes. I was starting to get into it and turns out the chick had a dick. At that point, I was far too committed. And I had to fuck it and study going back to the drawing board. I just kept doing my thing. And I hate to say it, but I had probably the most explosive finish I can remember. So explosive actually, you know, got a little bit up on my cheek and maybe even dribbled into my mouth a bit. My question for you is, is it the gear that I washed the train porn or the gear that I come to my old mouth? Looking forward to your advice. Oh, shit, man. Oh, my God. Wow, dude. That was a lot of gay calls, man. Yeah, a lot of dudes coming out. That was similar to the last one, but like kind of a little bit more intense. Yeah, man, a lot of people have been talking about the whole like tranny porn thing. It's pretty popular. I mean, you'll pop up, you know, it's like, it's like a weird onion ring in the front. I don't want to say weird, but it's an onion ring in the fries. But you're just like, Oh, yeah, bro. Today, man, like, dude, I'm going to be honest, man, like I've seen a lot of trans women and I can't tell. Like I've seen many of them on the subway and stuff. Yeah. And I have a very hard time distinguishing Adams, you know, like I could get kind of hard to that. Yeah. But if I saw a cock, you know, yeah, you don't. Yeah. I don't want to jack off to what I got. But I haven't tried yet. So that's the thing. Like we haven't, we haven't tried yet. You know, I don't know if you've tried, but I relate to the fucking like taking a long time to find a video. Yeah. And I do stumble across sometimes where you're just like, Oh, really? It's a dick. Is pop out? Well, just be, you know, I mean, when you're in me in this guy's world, yeah, you'll just be, you'll be fucking you got 25 tabs of you don't know what's going to pop up. You know, yeah, I just feel like you noticed from the title or something. You know what I mean? The type, but you know, it's crazy though. The dick pops out more than the words. Wow. Okay. The words confirm like that you're seeing a dick. So it's kind of like a riddle. Yeah, mystery box. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Except it's, it's there, you know, and they do say like trans or lady boy. Yeah. You know, yeah, I mean, I feel a lot of these dudes. I don't know, man. I don't know how you like, because I remember like I wanted to figure out if I was gay when I was younger, and I just put on like broke back Mountain dude and just started cranking one out, you know, and I couldn't get hard, dude. I wanted to get hard, but I was like last night, dude. I've done it like multiple times. Okay. Just mentally. I'm like, I wonder if I could get a bone or to the shit. Yeah. You know, and I dude, like I'm trying. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm like, dude, let's get this. Yeah. You know, you got a town in the paperwork, you know, because I feel like it's the only way you can really figure it out, dude. You know, yeah. But I just never could, dude. You know, I'm just in love with like titties, man. Yeah. Yeah, there's nothing. I don't know. Like it's weird how like they're talking about cocks and assholes. No one's ever talking about titties. What do you know? Like if I saw like a trans man with like a nice set of titties, I mean, I could probably get like a little shoved up to that. They're like titties, but it's like if I see a clock, they do have. Yeah, I'm just saying, like if he was like, yeah, I saw this like trans woman's titties, and I blew one out. Yeah, that's one thing, but he's like, I saw a cock and I was like, yeah. It's like, I don't care anymore. Yeah. Maybe this guy's trans, dude. But yeah, maybe he is. Maybe he wants to switch over. Yeah, that's so interesting though, man. Well, what's Gator do you think? Do you think it's Gator that he, he posed an interesting question? I'm like coming on your face. Is that gay? Okay. No, it's straight. That's the straightest thing you can do. But I don't your tombstone. You live a beautiful life. Some like my biography. No, I don't think that's that gay, man. I think jerking off to like a well, to be unintentional. But then he said the, the going into your mouth, I guess was maybe he. Yeah. No, I think seeing like whatever led to that's probably the gayest. So him seeing the cock. Seeing a cock, yeah, is startling. And if you keep going in, yeah, and then that's like exciting for you. And that's like kind of like, yeah, if it was the cock, I mean, if it was like the thrill of like mixing it up, yeah, that might be a little different. Yeah, but he's just saying you saw a cock and lost it, you know, but I don't know how that stuff works, man. That'd be like a Brooklyn person question. What do you mean? Like the whole like, if you jerk off to trans porn, like, what are you? Because technically he's jerking off to a woman. Yeah, because trans women are actually not that gay. Yeah. So there's a chick with a dick. We really need like a mathematician. Not just me like an equation or something. Because it's like you're jerking off to a woman, which isn't gay. Yeah, but she happens to have a cock. She happens. She just so happens. I would have to ask him if that chick had like a manufactured roast beef sandwich. Yeah, would he experience the same excitement? Okay. Or was it just the cock that got him going? What's it just? You know, yeah, yeah, that's, I don't know. It's, I think also the exhaustion of like finding the video, he was like, fuck it. Yeah, he's a beyblade. Let it rip. He's just fucking sick of it, dude. It's like, it's two o'clock in the morning. I get 37 tabs open. If I see a cock, whatever. Yeah. And then he just fucking jacked off into his own mouth. And now he's just confused every day. Goes in from a Walmart parking lot. Yeah, I think I'm fucking, he's just in like a bunch of Reddit threads right now just trying to figure it out. That's so fucking funny. I did asking Siri. That's so fucking funny. All right, man. Well, dude, thank you for coming, brother. Yeah, thanks for him. Yeah, man. What's your Instagram? The Wandering Jew? Yeah, the Wandering Jew, man. And then you got any shows coming up? Anything for the people? Yeah, I'm doing a couple shows, I'm doing one in Pennsylvania and fucking Tannerville, Pennsylvania. Okay, dude. Borden, Tanney, Jersey. I'm doing my friend show and what, I don't know if it'll be out, but that's Williamsburg on Thursday. So yeah, Wandering Jew, man. I fuck yeah, dude. And then I will be headlining for the first time ever, dude. Oh, wow. This Friday in my homeland. Oh, hell yeah. Hopefully it's a movie, dude, but even if I bomb, it's going to be funny as fuck. It's going to be a movie. Yeah. How was Tony doing? 30. Oh, shit. Yeah. So even if I bomb, dude, it'll be funny to just be like emotional about it. You know, she'll be like, yeah, man, I went back to my hometown and bombed, you know, but it'll be fun, man. If you're in the area, please, please come support me. I'll put up the ticket link. And yeah, man, thank you guys for listening as always.