ARCHIVED EPISODE FROM SEASON 1 (2023)
Big Girl Brain
#9 Choosing Genuine Friends
Last week I had somebody send me a question asking me what I look for in a friend, and it was actually supposed to be for my last episode, but I really thought about the question and I realized I wanted to do a full episode about it. So today we will be discussing choosing genuine friends and what I look for in a friendship. The first step that I took to answer this question was a quick little Google search on what is a friend? What does the word friend mean? A friend is a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection. Perhaps if you've had an experience like I have, maybe you've had a friend who you were not to convince that they shared that feeling of mutual affection with you. I want to share my perspective on what I feel like a friendship should include and should look like for the most part, simply because although yes everybody is going to choose the friends they want, choose to be around whoever they want, obviously that's fine. But I think a lot of the time we, especially when we're young, tend to unintentionally spend a lot of time around people that don't make us feel too good without realizing it. So hopefully if you've been feeling any of the things that we discussed today in any of your friendships, maybe you'll feel more comfortable removing those from your life or even just having discussions with those people. In my eyes, a friend should be somebody who supports you and uplifts you, somebody who moves you forward and pushes you to achieve your goals, somebody who celebrates with you when you do achieve those goals, somebody who can listen to you without judging you when you're going through something, somebody who caters to your needs as you cater to theirs, so just reciprocating the love for you basically. Someone who has respect for you and somebody who you truly just enjoy being around. All of those are great characteristics of a good friend, but as I thought about this more I realized that I am someone who needs a little bit more in a friendship, at least in this stage in life. Because I've spent so much time alone and I've really gotten to know myself and gotten to know my strengths and my weaknesses and the things that upset me and I really feel like I've taken very good care of myself and been able to control myself and be self-aware. Because of that, I don't really want to be around people that aren't capable of that. And the reason for that is not because I feel like I'm more ahead or better than these people, it's just because now that I'm in a mental state where I'm more stable and I feel confident and I feel like I'm progressing, I need to be around people that are in that same place. I need to be with people who are in the same stage as I am because in the past, you know, when I've been progressing, but then I've gone and hung around people that have kind of stayed in the same lane or have maybe even been doing worse, it holds me back. It brings me back down to that stage and I am not in a place where I'm willing to sacrifice my progress and my goals for other people, which is why I have spent so much time alone. I want to surround myself with people who care a lot more about improving over impressing people. I spent way too many years of junior high, high school, being a child, caring about impressing people and not caring enough about improving myself. And I know I was a child, I'm not going to sit here and bash on my 12 year old self, I was a baby, but now that I know that and now that I can see how much of a waste of time it is to try to cater to other people rather than just catering to your own needs and goals. I do not want to be around a single person who has that desire at all. Not only is it a waste of time for that person, but for me, if I'm friends with you and that's how you are, I know for a damn fact that you are going to be a competitive friend. You are not going to be somebody who can sit and be proud of me for my accomplishments. Absolutely not. If you're worried about impressing people, you don't have enough self confidence to be proud of another friend. Another thing I really value in a friendship is somebody who is very self aware. Okay, I can only explain this to an example, so bear with me because this might be messy. But imagine you have a friend and you and that friend go hang out with a larger group of friends and let's say you guys get there and everyone's already talking and stuff and you're hanging out for a bit. And then that friend is not giving the attention she wants, so she starts being really loud, being really loud, being really chaotic, maybe playfully smacking the boys or whatever crap girls like that do. I hate that crap. Anyway, playfully smacking people, just being chaotic, just being very over the top. All because she wanted some attention and she didn't know how else to get it. That is just clear signs of insecurity and a need to be the center of attention and a very immature mind. And that is not someone that I want to be friends with at this point in life. I want to be friends with somebody who knows their goals and their wants and who is actively pursuing them and trying to achieve those things every single day. This clears up a lot of issues real fast. If this person has clear goals that they are working towards, that makes it a lot less likely for them to compete with you because they probably don't care about what you're doing when they have something already planned for themselves. This also gives both of you a very good support system because when one person is working really hard and the other person is working very hard as well, you guys want to keep doing that together. You don't want to see your friend fall behind, so you're always going to be there to help them get back up and to push them and likewise they'll be there for you as well. I am somebody who I love when people tell me things that they're proud of. I love when people tell me something that they accomplished that made them excited or just anything like that. And I really need that energy reciprocated because if you're telling me, you know, I accomplished this or I got this and I got this and I'm just hyping you up all the time and then the second I come and tell you something that I accomplished or something exciting in my life. And you're giving me snarky remarks or negativity back? Absolutely not. I can always tell no matter how subtle you try to be, I can always tell when people are truly proud of you or if they're actually a little bit envious in that moment. I think one of the hardest pills to swallow in early adulthood, especially with friends around you, is understanding the timeline situation, understanding that everybody's journey is different and that we're all going to accomplish things at different times. And if you can't be there to be proud of your friend when they accomplish their goals, even if it's before you, then maybe you're not in the place to have friendships. One of my favorite quotes is "Clap for others before you clap for yourself." And I love that quote because it just truly reminds you to be grateful and to be humble and to be able to be proud of other people. This goes back to last episode when I was talking about, you know, other girl's beauty, it doesn't take away from your own. Just because you see somebody accomplish something insane, it doesn't mean you're never going to do that in the future. And if it's your friend, if it's someone you have a strong connection with, why would you not be proud of them? Why would you not be proud of this person that you care about? I also have some things that I really just avoid at all costs and really want everybody to steer clear from because if this is showing up in any of your relationships, that person does not want you to be happy. End of story. If they are very critical of you, if it feels like every time you come over, they're pointing something out about you that they don't like or that they feel like you should change or improve on, that's not a friend that is literally just an asshole. Don't get me wrong, I very much value constructive criticism, but there is a difference between being extremely critical of somebody and providing constructive criticism, especially when it's asked for versus when it's not asked for. If you are asking for their opinion every single day, that's a different story, but if you're not, and they're just always providing it, and if it's constantly negative too, maybe they just don't like you very much, maybe it's time to get a new friend. Another thing to watch out for is if you are friends with someone who does care about impressing people and you know what everybody else has to say, then they're probably not going to have a problem sabotaging your friendship or throwing you under the bus in order to get ahead if they ever need to. That's a really scary thing because you know, at the end of the day, if this person knows anything about you that you don't want other people to know, if they're offered something better, they're going to give that information out, no problem. I also don't want to be friends with takers, and none of you should either. People who are constantly taking things from you and never, never giving. It doesn't even have to be objects or whatever, just like love, care, compassion, just takers, takers, takers, people that suck you dry of like all your energy. I feel like there's a lot of different versions of takers in my head because there's like the physical taker who, you know, it's someone who's always borrowing money from you and never paying you back or only ever hanging out with you when you have like a car you can use or whatever. But then there's like the emotional taker who, you know, that person will dump like all of their problems on you all the time and just rant and rant and rant and you'll always listen. But then when it's time for you to talk about your problems, they do not want to listen. They don't want to be there at all. So there's the physical and the emotional taker, but then there's also like the person who just takes all of your time. The person who they are like only available to hang out on their terms, you know, so then you have to sit and move around your schedule because you want to see your friend and they're like, "Oh my gosh, it's seriously the only time I can hang out this week." And you're like, "Oh my gosh, well, that's crazy because you said that the last month, but they just keep doing that." That is not a good friend because obviously, obviously, obviously they've had other times where they could have hung out on your terms, but they don't want to drop plans for you. They just expect you to always be dropping plans for them. That's not cool. The truth is there's a lot. Okay, there is a lot to look out for when trying to form new friendships or form new connections. And there's a lot of things that could easily go wrong. And there's also a lot of things that you could easily overthink. So what I've kind of concluded is the best way to attract the best people is just to make yourself whatever you want to attract. Basically, act like the person you would want to be friends with. Being a good friend means being open to helping people, but also remembering to have boundaries and to avoid being a yes man. It's not your job to always be the one canceling plans or making plans or catering to that person. You need to be able to set boundaries and tell them what you need, tell them what you don't like, and tell them what you want. And if you can't set boundaries and if you can't communicate, then you can't expect anything from that person because they can't read your mind. Love yourself and have confidence going into every relationship, whether it be platonic or romantic, but also understand that you are not perfect and everybody has flaws, so be open-minded. Because it's very likely that you could find out something about yourself that you're not super proud of within this new friendship. I think one of the coolest things about getting older and meeting new people and having new relationships and experiences that we've never had before is we learned things about ourselves that we didn't even know about or we didn't even realize some of those things aren't super fun, and I actually have this experience recently. I'll kind of share a little bit about that. So my current boyfriend and I, I remember about a year and a half ago, I want to say, we got into a little tiff, a little argument, and he pointed something out in me that I had never noticed, never once noticed before. But when I tell you the moment he said it, it was like clear as day. The second he pointed out this quality in me and mentioned like, I think you struggle with this. It just, it was like an awakening moment. It just made me realize, oh my gosh, all of these problems that I had had, it had been because of this quality, this thinking error in my brain that I had that I had never known about. And so many things could have been avoided if I had just like opened up my mind and looked inward a little bit. Anyway, point is, I think that's a great thing. I am so grateful for that because I've grown so much since then and learned how to cope with that thinking error that I had. And if it weren't for that argument, and it weren't for me being open-minded and being able to say, hey, like you're right, to my boyfriend that day, I would have never known that. Another thing to practice to help you become the best friend is to embrace change, but to also keep pursuing your goals. Personally, I haven't experienced this in a platonic friendship, but I have experienced this getting into a new relationship, which I think is a lot more common, but I just wanted to discuss it today because that is, you know, another type of friendship. And I think a lot of people, you know, we get really excited when we form these new connections, when we have a new relationship or a new friendship, we want to spend a lot of time with that person. Now, it's not a bad thing to want to spend a lot of time with that person, but early on in new friendships, new relationships, we tend to self-sabotage unintentionally, and we push our own goals and our own priorities aside to spend so much time and energy on this person. And that's not a good thing. You want to be able to, yes, build this new connection and nurture it, but also nurture yourself and continue progressing and taking care of your goals. A really easy way to stay on task and stay on target towards your goals is to just communicate what your goals are to your new partner or your new friend. You know, within your first few dates or first few times you hang out, kind of lay it all out on the line and be like, listen, this is what I care about, this is what I need to get done every day, this is what I need to get done every week, every month, whatever. I value these things and if these things are not done, I will be unhappy. That's very beneficial. Not only is it beneficial because now you've communicated with that person that you have to do these things and you want to do these things, so when the time comes that you have to do them, they won't be surprised and you won't be surprised. But it's also very helpful because this person can feel more involved in your life and it can help grow that connection and make that bond stronger because you're opening up to them and you're sharing things with them that you think are important and that you're working on and maybe they'll do the same with you. As you try to become the best friend you can be, you also want to strive to be peaceful but you don't want to become passive. I read something a few weeks ago that said, maturity is calm and immaturity is chaos and I very much resonated with that because I feel like I always grew up being this rambunctious, very outgoing, very extroverted, very loud little girl. And over the last two, three years, I feel like I've just become so quiet and soft and calm and almost the opposite and I prefer to be in peaceful settings and I like the quiet. And I don't know, it's just, I truly feel like maturity is calm and immaturity is chaos and part of maturing and entering mature relationships as an adult is becoming a peaceful person. I'm not even sure how to properly explain this, it's just what you want your friendships to feel like, peaceful. You want to feel peace when that person walks in the room, you want to feel a breath of fresh air, you don't want to feel like this person's constantly trying to argue with you or start a problem. You just want to feel like this person is there when you need to wrap your arms around someone, that is what friendship should feel like. Also remember that is equally as up to you as it is for them to set the tone of the friendship. So if there's something in the friendship that you're not happy with or that is making your life more difficult, then it's up to you to change those things, it's up to you to communicate those things. If you want that person to check in on you more, maybe start checking on them more, you know maybe messes them one morning and be like hey, I wanted to know how you're doing, I think we should check in on each other more. Simple as that, like so easy, so easy. In my head it is honesty, it is communication and it is vulnerability. If you cannot have those three things, then you cannot have a friendship. If you can't be comfortable telling your friend that you don't like something they're doing or if you can't be comfortable telling your friend that you need this more, you want this more, you're going to go here this day instead of this, whatever. If you can't use your words, if you can't communicate, if you can't have conversations with people and tell them how you feel, you're never going to have a long lasting relationship of any kind. Because it's impossible, because people can't read your mind, so unless you want to sit there and be miserable and just let people do whatever they want and you can just be the yes man, you need to be your own self advocate. I hope all of you have relationships in your life that you value and that you feel valued in, but also remember that if you don't necessarily have maybe a ton of friends right now or a ton of people around you in your life, that's okay. And each stage of your life is going to be completely different and friends will come and go and that's just how it goes. But I think the most important thing to remember is to not force anything ever. The last thing you want to do when you meet a new friend or a potential new friend is force the connection. You don't want to sit and pretend to like things you don't like. You don't want to fake it and pretend you're enjoying being around these people when you're really not just because you are so desperate to have a friend. Because at the end of the day, it is far, far better to be alone and to truly be happy doing what you love by yourself than it is to fake it and fake your joy being around people just so that you can have a friend or have some friendship. I think you should really ask yourself when you're around your friends. Am I happy right now? Am I enjoying myself right now? Are these people making me feel good or better about myself or are they making me feel bad? Are these people I should be spending this much time with every day or are they not? Would I be better off by myself? Ask yourself that question. I've said this many a time before in the podcast and I will definitely be saying it a lot more in the future. If you are not comfortable being by yourself, you don't need to be searching for a friendship and you don't need to be searching for a relationship. You simply need to be focusing on your relationship with yourself. I hope every single one of you spends time around people that make you feel good and you're happy around and you truly just adore and love. And I hope none of you waste your time trying to search for friends just so you're not alone. Just embrace your alone time. Embrace the time when you're by yourself. Because I can guarantee there's going to be a time in the future where you look back and think, man, I should have enjoyed when I was alone. That is pretty much all I've got for you guys today. So get out there and find the most awesome, loving, adorable, wonderful, amazing friends you can find. And if you can't find people like that, then you better wait until the right ones come around. Thank you guys so much for listening this week. If you want to check out previous episodes, definitely go ahead and do so. There are eight of them, nine including this one. Thank you so much for the support and all of your kind messages throughout the week. I love you guys so, so much. Don't forget to share this episode. Follow me on Instagram and the TikTok at Big Girl Brain. And give this episode and the podcast a five star review. Thank you so much. I'll see you next week.