Well, we went off the rails so who knows what this episode is about. Masculine, feminine, nice, mean....
Emotionally Unavailable
Episode 60: Mean (Anonymously Unavailable with Jane Doe E13 Finding Peace Week 7)
Well then this bitch. So I was just a real big turn. Felt fucking emotionally anemic. Oh my god, you're almost reading porn. Welcome to emotionally unavailable, the podcast where we dive deep into the world of emotional availability and intimacy. I'm your host Melissa Hepner and I can't tell you how excited I am to have you join me on this journey of self discovery and connection. Whether you're navigating the complexities of relationships or exploring your own emotional landscape, this podcast is here to inspire, empower, and entertain. So get cozy and let's explore the depths of human emotions together. Hey guys, welcome to anonymously unavailable with Jane Doe. I don't remember which episode that is my bad. It is. Oh, I think it's episode 13. That's right. Okay. So episode 13 with Jane Doe. Hi, Jane. How are you? Okay, bye. Oh, I hope everyone is well. We attempted to cover the chapter of compassion and finding peace. And we did talk about compassion. So you know, write in and let me know if we missed anything. Otherwise, I hope everyone's great and I hope you enjoy this episode with me and Jane Doe. Are you in a closet? Okay. Hi, closet. I am plugged in. I'm not going to die. Hello, how are you? I have something to share with you. Okay. I kind of didn't realize this was such a big deal until something stupid happened. I'll tell you that too. So you know, in my actively seeking joy stuff, man, I really want to tell the long version, but there's no points. I'm not going to, but we ended up at the Western Day thing that Mustang does every year, right? I don't really fucking know what it's about, but it seems very America, but you know, they have carnivals and you know, whatever. They have a parade, but I was like, you know, who won't be waking up for that? Mom. And also, I've already scheduled a branch that I, you know, need to go to. So we went to this and I was looking through like the calendar of events or whatever. And one of them was a pet show, which I'm sure you maybe saw my pictures if you've been on Facebook. But so we went to this pet show and there's different like categories like these kids, these dogs. They were like a best kiss category that like, you know, like their owner's face a lot, but you know, they were, they were there for it and I was there for it. So it was good. And tricks, they did like tricks and costume. Those were the three I witnessed in the night had enough. But I was pretty chill. Okay. So for the audience, who I have not discussed this with a whole ton, I am terrified of big dogs. Yeah. And I willingly put myself in an enclosure. Okay, there was two gates to get out of to be out away from all of these dogs. I went in there to watch this pet show because I was so jazzed about it. And also to the right was a different enclosure where a bunch of big dogs were just off the leash like running around. And Bryson had just taught me about this thing. We were talking about humans and then he was like, Oh, like such and such theory. And I was like, what's that? And it's like apparently even docile dogs, if you put a barrier like a fence between them and another dog, they will behave very aggressively because they actually with that enclosure feel unsafe when you are approaching that fence being there. There's this whole thing about it. I don't know. I'd have to look really into it. And it makes sense. I'm like, Oh, to me, if I can. Yeah, they're like at a disadvantage is what they feel like. And so makes sense that that's why I've seen so much of that behavior. And it actually really helped me too. Because I'm like, they just want to protect themselves, which meant we're so much like animals. We are animals. Anyway, so I don't like to upset people by talking breeds specific language, but I'm going to tell you this. Because I'm showing up authentically, I'm going to let people know that I've always been especially afraid of pit bulls because my brother had his calf removed from one when we were children. So I was afraid of all dogs, even small dogs, my grandma. This is something I've unraveled a little bit of, but have not really because it hasn't, I don't give a fuck about this in comparison to other traumas. So it's like, my grandma did kind of, you know, she, she just so much of her. That's so funny. Jokey stuff really was pretty tormented. You know, like, don't, don't run from the dog. It'll kill you then just, you know, just constantly teasing us about dogs too. Like, Oh, that dog will hurt you blah, blah, blah. So even small dogs, I've always, I've run from them in my childhood because I was so scared, which she loved. Anyway, yesterday, a fucking child that I did a little one a trip. He was a boy. He had misheard the category for the dog. So he took his little pit bull. I was fine, dude. This pit bull was standing behind me and I did nothing. Okay. He walked past me with the pit bull and I still feel fine. He goes to do it. And then he realizes it's the wrong category. He comes back. I'm still fine. I am learning so much to be at ease in this situation. I was also high. So I did that on purpose because I knew I was going to be in a situation that was freaking me out. So I was like, I really want to love this. I love animals. I love dogs. I love to watch them do this cute stuff. But you know, I've just had my thing. But I was hoping that since my nervous system is just so much fucking more chill that it was going to be okay. And it really was until this motherfucker didn't walk his dog correctly. No big deal. Let me let you know. This is not that alarming. But for me, it was for a second. He is walking towards me not really focused. The dogs pretty interested in us like in a sweet way, but he's not really looking whatever. So the dog comes up to us. He's now trying to maneuver it and whatever. And the dog's leash wraps around both of my legs twice. It's a pitbull. So I grabbed the arm of my child's friend, the 10 year old. I am holding onto her arm so hard because I'm trying to step out of this leash whilst not raising any sort of bear moon. I'm just wanting this to be chill. Anyway, I'm I'm I don't even think I'm making eye contact with anyone because I'm literally focused on just getting my legs out of the leash. Wow. You know, myself, this is not that serious blah, blah, blah. Until the parents aren't helping the kid help the dog get away from me. So I'm starting to feel pissed now because I have a right to be in a public space without this happening, you know. So it gets undone. I did look at them with my entire face was probably communicating the whole time like you need to do better. You know what I mean? But I was going to make this a big deal for anyone because I knew as soon as it was over is not going to be a big deal. I could tell this dog was friendly. So it was just a nervous system reaction. Well, then this bitch, the mother goes he she saw the look on my face and was like, dah, dah, to the kid like, let's say his name's Matthew. I don't know what's name is. She's like, Matthew. And then he's like, what? He wasn't messing with anyone. And then she like realizes, yeah, he really wasn't her reaction was too big kind of is the way she's treating me. Like she's like, oh, no, he wasn't. And I was like, that's your one free comment, bitch. Like that's what you're getting because I was standing there. And I at my first thought was, no, I will say this. If she says one more thing, I will turn around and I will say, and I as a human being have a right to expect that in any space like this, that my body will not be touched by anyone or anything without the consent period. It was a body touching thing more than anything else. I wasn't expecting all of that contact, you know. But while I was thinking about that, because I was standing there like it was amazing how much I did not let this affect me. I was standing there even thinking of my response because I'm learning to stand up for myself any way I want to. So I but I but I also wanted it to be a teaching moment. Like this isn't about your dog. This isn't about anything. This is about the fact that you have to be a responsible pet owner when you're in public and understand that you have a lot of power in this one little thing called a leash and that I don't want any dog I don't know to come up to me without my consent. I don't want that. If they come up, that's one thing, but I have a choice to move. But if anything about your family is touching me without my consent, it just period, that's where it needs to end. I don't want my body touched without my consent. So that's that. But at the same time, you know, trying to be all love and light and shit. So I was like, how does this not affect me? Like how can I turn this into an energetic exchange that I'm not sitting here all pissed, you know? So I mean, I would have said something if if she had continued anymore and I think that was her like, are you going to bite? You know, like, are you going to come in on me if I say this one rude thing? And I was like, I'm gonna give her a free pass because I know what that is. That's her royal. You know what I mean? Like, I heard it. I was like, you don't really know what to do in this scenario. And you could tell I was scared and you're defensive of your dog and your child and whatever I feel you. I can relate to that. God, how many times have I made a way bigger deal out of something that I need to because I was embarrassed? You know, so I was like, I'm gonna give her that. But as I was thinking, I was like, she doesn't even know that this is like the hugest still ever for me. You know, that this is such a sign of huge growth that I'm standing in a fucking cage with big ass. I mean, I'm talking German shepherds. One dog that was mixed with great Oh, great day in lab, a big old 16 year old beagle, like just the sweetest dog. If you saw a dog coming towards you with a very responsible owner, you literally would run off of the running trail. Girl, we have turned around before because you didn't like the way a dog looks. Hey, sometimes they look scary. Yeah, I don't get that. I don't get that. Oh, my fucking God, like, I'm still reserved. I'm still like, Hey, any dog has the capacity to lose its shit at any time. And I knew I was giving off an energy. I almost think that masculine alpha shit that I've used to survive was what those dogs picked up on in the worst part of it. You know what I mean? And I don't know, because I've tried I've tried everything I could. But this was nothing for me. I mean, I didn't even have to keep distance. I didn't try to pet any goddamn dogs. I'm not gonna lie. But but we did get to hold some puppies that were up for adoption. I listen, the kids, you know, one of them needed shit and the other was hungry. So they probably didn't have as much fun as I did. I don't care. I wanted to see the dogs and I saw the dog. So I thought, Oh, yeah, for you. Good, right? Good for you. I was so proud of myself. Because I really also have somebody would have said some crazy stuff like that to me. You're better than me. I just well, she said it to her kid. She said it to her kid. You know what I'm saying? So I was like, they did move, which was smart. It was smart. I think maybe that lady was having a day or something and she needed to be. But that's the thing, dude, is I really am trying to have compassion for the lived experience. You know, like, how many do you say that? You're exactly right. That's exactly what was happening. And you know, and the fact that you could recognize that in the moment, that's my problem. I all of the things you're saying, I think later, shamefully, like, yeah, no, no, I know you've never, but no, in the moment, I'm like, Oh, okay, but actually it was. Okay. Like I would be so rude. Well, I want to stop you because I don't think that's rude. I don't think that's real. I think that's accessing the dark feminine nature that we have that we have for a reason and that we're allowed to access at any point to do whatever the fuck we want with. And I think that you would have every right to step into somebody's space if they thought they were going to start some shit over something that they did wrong. Right. I don't think there's anything wrong with either response. But I am very mindful and present in these scenarios now because I know that being mindful and present is the only way to not be a slave to triggers. So I'm very it's bizarre. I think that part of it is because I live in a bubble now that I have created like I was Tom Brian one day like I have fucking raised the vibrations in this house. Like I can just feel the difference in everyone, which is why I really stay true to my north and continue to seek the ability to teach this to people who then can go teach other people, you know, and not just because listen, I fucking love being a therapist. And so I have to remember though that the feeling I get to see fucking huge progress in people that I've only met twice as good as that feels. We're not going to have a global impact with that. Although I was crying a little like all, you know, in my fields in a good way to Brian because he's so sweet and is like the biggest fucking saying we'll just listen to all of it. But I was like, you know, like we suffer and I was thinking of you too, you know, but like this we use the word generational trauma so fucking much. And I was like, just think about the impact of two people, my grandma and grandpa. They had five children, 19 grandchildren and over 20 great grandchildren. They had a huge fucking impact on lots of motherfuckers. Okay, lots. So if I can make this impact with just the like what 15 people so far, think about how many people 15 people, you know, and I was like, that's generational healing, I start crying. But I'm like, that's what we're doing. We're healing and feels ancestral like we're going back and even like fixing like the shit that's already happened. It's it's a very woo woo thought. But I don't know, man, it's it's good. But in saying that what I mean is I really have created a bubble that pretty pretty well keeps me steady and stable. Like I'm not having to interact with a bunch of people that piss me the fuck off. So it's easy to not be as triggered all the time. But because I talk about it all the time, and that's my focus, don't be triggered, then I am very present in those moments. And I think that's the only reason I was because I first I was like, you know, like internally, I was like, I'm gonna turn down right fucking now. I'm gonna turn around right the fuck now and say something. And then I was like, no, everything doesn't deserve a response, you know, like, you know what that is. You don't need to make this anywhere than it already is. Like, it was a mistake. And that's fine. People are allowed to make mistakes. But it does frustrate me. Because I think that people who are afraid of dogs should still get to go and and do things that make their heart happy. So why can't you just maybe be a little more responsible with your dog? You know, like, there's a certain etiquette everywhere. And so, and you know, I have, and I don't know if it's like that neuro spicy, whatever, but I have a just like, who definitive like a justice, like it has to be. And like, to me, that's not fair. Like, you think you're better than everybody else, and you're ugly to every person in that area with you, if you're not following the rules. I hate people. I don't follow the rules. Like it just like it really has to. You know what I mean? Like, I have an expectation that I'm going to be safe that people are going to, like, when you're driving, if somebody cuts you off, like, to me, it's like, why do you think you're better? And you don't have to follow the rules. Like, you make everybody now, everybody's acting a little crazy and they have to back up. And we all have to get to you, like, no. And so I think I just get mad. You know, there's probably some wound that it goes back to. But I just get mad because it's like, no, everybody should be able to just like, these are the expectations of how we live. And we're just going to do that. And if you break it, yeah. And if you break it in somebody, like, calls you on it, apologize, don't double down. But that's not what I'm saying. Don't miss it. That and that's why, see, and I knew immediately because I started talking to myself, I mean, I knew this was going to be an issue to second this dog's leash touched me, you know, like, so as soon as the panic was over, I was thinking like, why am I pissed? Why am I pissed? You got to get it together because I knew why I was pissed. But I wasn't sure, you know, if you were to trace it back to a wound or whatever, immediately, I'm like, social contracts. Right. Right. So you did violate that, you betrayed that. And I'm over here feeling betrayed. But I'm like, okay, well, you know, while that because, and honestly, I am surprised I was able to process us all this so fast considering how time it's crazy. Yeah, yeah, but this is the work like this is what I'm saying. This is what I'm promising my clients to is like, the more this is your mind, the more you can revert to this, but I'm also not living in survival mode in any way, you know, like, I'm in a really calm state. So that really does help your brain to function better. It's been nice to get proof of that, honestly, like, to like, if you're living a life that you like, shit, really just doesn't bother you the same way. And I'm like, spotting super close to starting my period. And still, just kind of, you know, I'm so proud of myself, honestly, it was still, but even I was measuring, I'm so caught up oftentimes when Charlie's in public with me about making sure I send the message to her that I want, you know, because these are the things they learn. They don't, they don't listen to you. They watch you. And I was like, what do I want? What do I want? And then I was like, okay, I'm going to give this a free pass. That one comment that she made to her son, I'm going to give to her because I know what that is. But if they think that they're going to continue, then I'm going to turn around. And I'm just going to say it because I was like, how do you want this to go if your kids watching you? And I was like, I want to be vulnerable because that's what I'm trying to teach people is to be vulnerable. I don't have to talk to her about my wounds, but I can't say I have a right to be safe in public. And I do not want my body touched without consent by anyone or anything. And that is why I'm upset. And leave it at that, because that's also what I've learned about dealing with narcissists. If you counter a narcissist with truth, they can't, they don't know what the fuck to do with that. You know what I mean? Because I'm not making it about them at all. If I never say the word you, and I just say, I have a right to be not touched in public. It's different if I'm at a concert, but that's why we left that one. I was thinking about that today because her albums has dropped, by the way, really helps you tap into that dark feminine shit because you know, you're a badass bitch, you know, I was damning earlier on the way to work. But I was thinking about that concert, too. And I was like, in, you know, in a space like that, you interknowing that if you're going to get the fuck out, you know, because there's an expectation that you don't get personal space. Right. In the general admission, you're going to run into you. Yeah, people are going to touch you. And when it became too much, I was like, I've had too much. It made me not appreciate Jelly Roll very much. Well, now we have to explain. So we went to the Jesse Murphy concert, like when was that? I don't even know. It was like a random Thursday night. What was it? April or May? Yeah. Because I had anyway, so it was May and a fucking Jelly Roll is one of her little supporters. And great, I love Jelly Roll's music. Love him as a person, love his story, love his message and his wife. But they, because wife was right there like behind him, you know, she walked past. And I was like, I think that's Jelly Roll. And I was like, that's Jelly Roll. Because I knew his wife because she'd been all over my TikTok. So I was like, yeah, that's his wife. But damn it, their little entourage kept walking past us to get more drinks, whatever. And actually, I'm sorry, they wanted the attention. That's all it was and good for them. I love them for that. But they were so fucking inconsiderate. Like they just ran into us over and over and over. And I'm like, there's there's actually enough room there. So to be touched that much, I'm still in a place where I don't want to be touched, like unless I invite that. And so especially unexpectedly. And that was just so stupid because it was over and over and over. Like, it's not us all smashed in one place. So why are you fucking walking this one way the whole time when you could just walk behind us against the wall? There you go, audience. Anyway, that's that. But, you know, I fucking put myself in a dog cage. So there you go. Shocking. Right. Right. I know growth. What are you going to do? 10 years ago, you would not believe this story. That's so true. It's just true. Like, can you imagine if I was like, all right, listen, in 10 years, you're going to do on Saturday morning, you'd be like, no, there's like no scenario. That is true. No, I don't believe you. Yeah, that is true about me. I think about how many times I've put a child or friend in front of me to protect myself from a dog. Me at haunted houses. That time we went to Frontier City. I literally was like, your kid. Like, you literally got scared and used me to shield your body. Like, I did. I'm so sorry. I guess I don't have your back in a bad, like, I, when I talk about self residence. Sorry. And you know, he still brings that up. He's like, I guess I can't count on you for that. Like, you really can't know what I'm happy to do, help you pay for college. You know what I'm not going to do? Get in front of a zombie for you. I can do it. But I prepare every child that enters a haunted house with me. And I say, I will leave you. I will leave you so badly when that change. I'm good up until the chainsaw. When the chainsaw comes out, it is every motherfucker in this place for themselves. And I will stampede your ass to get away from a chainsaw. And I have hurt children. I have. I have. And the last one was, I was tripping to get away from a chainsaw. And I don't even remember. I think I just knocked this kid over. Like, he was just like, or I shoved him into a wall on accident. I just remember grabbing him and being like, I'm so sorry in trying to help him get away from the chainsaw because I just put him in like a situation for the chainsaw to be right on his ass. And I was like, I was like, I'm so sorry. Come on. And he's like starting to cry. And I was like, I'm the worst human. Oh my gosh. Yeah, no, I do not have your back. I'm out. I'll leave you. Not sure we'll, I will leave you. So funny. So yeah, you know, just healing my nervous system, I guess. But that's the thing. That's why I think that learning how to feel and identify that stuff was so important because I just didn't know you were never going to be able to regulate your nervous system if you couldn't regulate your emotions first. I was telling a client this and then kind of building on this knowledge. Like, we were relying so much on self control before, like, you know what I'm saying? Like, don't do it. Don't lose your shit. Don't this, don't that, you know, don't say it. And then you come back with a, you know, I just think it's funny that you're so mad and you just can't hold it anymore. Think about it. Like, we're only given so much self control for every 24 hour period. And I was using all of that first thing in the motherfucking morning, if I'm being real honest. So, you know, like, now it's just not hard to be like, all right, what is it? But like, even yesterday, I was bitchy. I don't know if this was before that or after, but I was like rushing around looking for something and looking for stuff that I can't find will send me over the edge, right? I'm start deep breathing because it's pissing me the fuck off. And I'm not trying to ruin everyone's life by this. And I've done that plenty of times. So, Brian, here's the sniffling start because I'm crying because I'm getting to that place where I'm mad, you know, because I can't, I can't find my shit. I think it was a brawl. But anyway, so there's my fucking brawl. Then I was like, calming down, well, Brian, Brian needs to solve every problem I have. And he doesn't understand still, like, when to get the fuck away from me, you know? So he's like running around trying to anticipate all my needs, like before I can even, you know, experience the need and whatever. And I'm like, please leave me alone. And I'm actually a lot like that too. I was like, God, I was like, just the same way, like, how many of those things did I ask you to do? Like, I feel so like taking advantage of all these nice things for you. And it was like, great. How many did I ask you to do? Like, Oh, God, I'm sorry. But that phrase used to hurt me so bad. Nobody asked you to do that because you're loving in the way you want to be loved. And you know, that's okay. But if that's not the way they want to be loved, we have to accept that too. And I do want to be loved like that sometimes. But if I'm escalated, nobody can be in my energetic field because I feel them and it feels like they're touching me whether they are or not. And he didn't realize because he hasn't seen me like, escalated in a minute that this was a situation where he needed to be away from me. So I'm like dying inside because I don't want to take it out on him. But I'm just trying to get the fuck out of the house to do whatever it was I was needing to do. Oh, this was the brunch I was going to prior to the pet show. That's what it was. So I was like, trying not to be late because I was meeting someone that's always there early. And you know, I knew. And I just I like to be respectful of people's time. And it's always something like this at the end of like, I've gotten up, I've gotten this done, but everything was going fine. And then I can't find my bra. So he's like trying to do something around my car because I can't find something. And I was like, I found it. Please just, I can't be nice right now. Please just go in the house. And he was like, okay. Please, I don't want to be mean to you, please. But I mean, that's how I feel. You can recognize that and say that. I say that sometimes too. Like, I can't be nice right now. I just need like, please, like, okay, okay, you know, yes. But thank God that also, I think learning a language that does not cause another person to feel like they're fundamentally unlovable. I don't want to, I don't want to confirm that narrative, you know, because I know that every fucking one of us are walking around with it now, seeing clients who like, are all having a different lived experience, but all have the same core wins, core narratives, core beliefs. It's all the same. We're all the same. It's just it's confirming everything I've been saying. And I don't, I don't, I don't know, I am cognizant of that, that I don't want to be a person who makes anyone else feel that way, even though we don't have control and blah, blah, blah, over what anyone else's experience is, I can control a few things about how I interact with other people. And so it has taken a really long time to, to just be able to be like, it's me. I'm the problem. I promise. But like, you got it, you got to back off now, because I'm going to be a bigger problem for everyone if we can't just give me some space. But also, Brian used to be very defensive over that stuff. I mean, very no matter how I said it, he understands me in a way now that is just so fucking intimate that it's like, okay, like he just backs up and he's like, all right. I mean, I heard us feeling sometimes because he's human and I'm human, but like it's, it's just not like that. He gets what I'm saying. Like, I have a hormonal shift. I'm going to respond differently. I can't help that. I cannot help that everything in me is agitated. So I'm like driving and then you got to figure it out. Like, okay, is there anything I can do though to make this better? Well, I need a little rest. I need, you know, my days during the week are extremely busy now. So I don't know what to do about that right this second, but it's not a bad thing because it's, I feel good at the end of the day. But I'm, I don't want to say I'm overwhelmed because I think that that's not the space I'm in. I am learning how to prioritize. We'll say that. And so, you know, it can be a lot sometimes, but then you add just the slightest little hiccup, but I'm also just like, okay, man, that's good. Stop, stop holding yourself to perfectionist standards because it is okay to have a grumpy day and it is okay to have a freak out at the dog thing. You know, like it wasn't a big freak out, but I do always have this brief pause where I go, man, like I let my feelings rise. I didn't control every little thing about myself. You know, so I'm like, I know that's all it is, is that we control everything. I was just joking about that this morning because I had a little freak out, I don't know, a couple mornings ago, maybe it was at nighttime. I don't know. I didn't feel good. I was tired. That was the night before I slept like 14 hours. So I came home, took a nap and was up for like three hours and then went to sleep and slept for like 13 hours. Just so crazy, just like, so long and good. And so I was just a real big turd. And so I'm going to put it up like a workplace safety thing like zero days since I handled my emotions appropriately. Like, okay, I'm getting good. I'm back at three, three days. I've handled my emotions like, okay, like how long, you know, like how you get the coins or something, you know, like, okay, I got like what for three years? I don't know, probably not. But just like knowing it and talking about it and recognizing like, I can't always, I know I can't always be in control because you only have so many spoons, you know what I mean? And so it's like, if you're really relying on self control and you have all these other things and you're tired, you don't feel well and blah, blah, blah, blah, you just have all this other stuff, like you just don't have the capacity for it, you know, but it's so funny though, because it's like, okay, I think with you though, you, it feels like, have found more like validation and purpose in your days. So even though you are busier, it's enjoyable and it doesn't take all your spoons like your old job then, you know, that's what Brian and we're discussing. Yeah. So you're tired and the days are long, but it doesn't pull as much out of you. Right. That goes in while coming out, you know, whereas your old job was just like depletion. Everything. I felt fucking emotionally anemic. Yeah. And I think now just hearing you say that and kind of plugging that in with the things I've been thinking and feeling, I think, okay, in actuality, there's a time in the very recent past that I would have loved to do something like you said, jokingly like the workplace thing, you know, because I really do function well with numbers. And so what I can build up a little surplus of something I feel really good. Yeah. But then what happens when you mess up, right? You got to lose all your shit. You lose all those days, all those coins, whatever you've used. And that's the thing is that like, I didn't lose anything. I gained something in every one of these moments in the last two days. I gained really huge shit. I gained trust for myself that I can be in distressing situations and not cause harm. I can do that. That's a really big deal. And I can be triggered and still use the tools that I know how to use and walk the fuck away, not causing harm. Because if you remember, that's the goal I said. I just first and foremost, no longer want to cause an ounce of harm to myself or anyone else. I'm done living in that shame. So I don't want to give myself anything to be ashamed of. But having said that, again, these perfectionist standards pop up where I think that means this perfect Zen Buddha, and then I have to remind myself, there is dark feminine, there's light feminine, there is masculine, there is light masculine, there are all these fucking fundamental parts of me. And every one of them deserves attention and love and nurturing and growth. And every one of them is me. And I am great. And I'm going to be human. I'm going to do human shit. And I like that. I don't need to make any apologies to myself or anyone else. It is okay to say I need space. Like I can't be around people. Because when that's happening, your body's telling you something. It's communicating. And it's saying, hey, you're depleted in an area. Let's go get a little. Well, and that's why you're being ugly, because you're trying to get that space. Like if you're ugly, people will go away. I mean, that's like, you know, pavement inside you're doing right. That's why it sends those signals. It's why, you know, so yeah, absolutely. And I'm like, nothing wrong with it. I wish I could feel that in the moment. But I'm not I'm not like laying around feeling bad about things. But you know, I'm just I'm the more this becomes a part of me or I discover that this was always me or whatever the case may be, the more conscious thought everything becomes. It's no longer an autopilot response to just flip the fuck out period. I'm not getting from zero to 100 in a nanosecond the way I used to. And again, I think that that is the bubble. I have a very safe home now where home was a place I used to avoid. Yeah, I mean, at all costs. I did not like being at home. I didn't like being at work, but I didn't want to be here either. The laundry was here. The bills were here. The people who I've caused the most harm in and reflect back to me that harm. I don't want to see that shit, you know, but now it's like, I'm home and I love working from home. I don't love how inactive I am. So like, I've got to find a way to incorporate walking. I have to because I feel that from head to toe. Like, I'm so puffy. I just I like my feet will swell from sitting in the chair, you know, like, it just doesn't feel good. And I know it's not good for me. So, you know, other than that, I don't know, do things are good. I can't even fucking believe it. Honestly, it's that good. Like, it's just like, well, I guess this is what I've been working for, right? Like, trying to feel good. It's perfect. So I was thinking about, you know, it's so funny you're talking about compassion because in the chapter this week, you know, it's talking about practicing compassion and how you have to do that for yourself. I did not write the letter to myself, like, Oh, that's an emotional journey I'm not going to take today. But yeah. But it was talking about the affirmations. And you know, you're really good at affirmation. So I started trying to think like, what do I want to affirm? I feel so hokey when I do that. So like, what are your, like, how do I do that? And I know you had joked around or talked about like, Okay, I'm going to make like an affirmations book or something. Maybe I wish you would, you know, what you should do. I have it ready to go. I can't figure. I wanted to make it in the spiral bound, like a recipe. Yeah, it's a formatting thing. That's I have it. I have them. I just don't. This is what I need in my life. I don't know how to do affirmations. And I've tried to do it before. And I always just feel like a dork. When I do like writing stuff, I'm like, feels hokey. So I don't do it. But why? I don't know. It's just embarrassed. Oh, let me, let me back up. You know what I think? My instinct is to say, you know, when you're about to share something with someone else and that it's so embarrassing, right? Yeah, that fear of vulnerability. That's all it is. You just got to move past that writing really important. So I do have to encourage that. I would say, well, what's what is something that you're needing to like change your narrative about that you're still struggling with that you would want to affirm differently? I don't know. You know what I'm reading through some of that. So I do have, of course, negative self talk, everybody does. But I have a lot of positive self talk too. Maybe we'll have a version of you. So this new thought that I have of like healing your inner child. Yeah, get to that place that we're like really wanting is your, I don't know if I'm gonna say this exactly how I've been envisioning in my brain. When your inner child gets to meet this version of you and they become more of a oneness, then you are, you know, experiencing your affirmation kind of organically. But that's what you're doing is you're affirming that inner child and you're asking her to come and meet you. So this version of you obviously has lots of kind things to say about yourself. You already know you are financially successful, successful at everything you've ever put your mind to badass bitch, right? But in this place where we've decided that we want to be more than a badass bitch, we want to be somebody who can be wrapped around and loved and nurtured, held, seen. That person is this child inside of you that hasn't gotten to come meet you. That too, you're affirming. So feels a little less woo woo or whatever to be like, okay, how can I get her to this level? So you're just teaching her in the writing like I am. So for me, it's just thoughts lately, like, no, you know, when I started with a no, I'm worthy of taking up as much space as I need to. I had that in places that I needed to see it for a while, like in my office at work, you know, whatever. So just a place on my little computer screen, whatever, you know, there's like a space down here on your keyboard on a laptop, whatever I needed in those places I always had. Now it's just like a, okay, no, I need to remember, you know, and it's just a thought, but it can be however you want it to be as long as you know to stop the negative and go, or like a friend of mine posted today, could have been last night, but I saw it today. It said it was a meme or whatever, and it said, I'm sorry for being a bad friend when I was depressed. And I said, well, a bad friend doesn't care about their friends. A human sometimes has to pull back their energy to pour into themselves. And that's not bad. That doesn't make you a bad friend. Right. So it's all about reframing the way we're talking to ourselves, like no more negative I am statements, period, period, period, period, and I will catch myself. That's why earlier I corrected the, I was going to say I am something and then I was like, or I'm learning to prioritize, you know, like, okay, those things are impacting your subconscious whether you are aware of it or not. So every time you chip away at yourself with a little thing, you got to go back and repair. So the things that we would do with other people to fix a harm, you're now doing that with yourself and you're shutting down the narratives that were created by your mom, by other people in society, by any man that you dated that was a bitch, you know, like that too has to receive the affirmation, the former versions of you that didn't have it. So yeah, this person right here isn't struggling with self talk. This person knows what the fuck they are. Those people didn't when they heard that and they were wounded by that, they didn't have that information. So now you understand that that's what's coming up in any of those situations is this wound. And so at the same time of being like, oh, okay, I know it's connected to this wound. This is how I felt the narrative around that was. So now it's this and it can change every time it can be whatever. It's just a mindset shift. That's all an affirmation is. It's the affirming, the validating, the love, the approval that we all need. You're just learning how to give that to yourself. And that, my dear, is why it really hasn't fucking mattered how good our men are. Yeah, we weren't ready to receive love in any way, fucking shape or form, period, period, period. So we're giving ourselves that. And then you'll just start to feel so much more open to what love really is, because you love yourself so fucking much, which you do love yourself, this current self, we're going back and fixing though, those, I mean, a week ago version, two weeks ago versions, you know, those, anytime a part of you has hurt, if you didn't address it, it needs to be addressed. So that's why things just continue to pop up, I think. And listen, I don't think any of this is revolutionary thinking, but because especially because I've been hearing about like what Renee Brown's like, big messages were, apparently it's about shame and shit. And I'm like, well, shit, I should have found that a long time ago. But I wasn't ready for that information, you know, and Ryan. I think I read like, you read one of her books, I thought. Yeah, something about being vulnerable or something. But honestly, I don't mean that's an any sort of a bad way. They're not interesting. They're just not interesting books, you know. Yeah. And so I just didn't get into it. No, I, I need a different. Yes, exactly. But even the dialogue and the finding pieces boring to me, I can't get into it. So that's why Brian keeps being short and healthy. Yes, yeah. Well, but see, that's, Renee Rants also like an eloquent speaker and whatever she's going to write like that. But that's when your brain works, the way ours does, that doesn't help when, especially we were living in survival mode when 24 seven, when we really started this journey. And so survival mode, people can't read books like that and really do that. Plus, I'm a fucking talker. I just, I learned way more from saying I'm saying I've tried to read so many things. And it's like, okay, I've got to figure out, like, we need to do more book club stuff. Because for me, that works so much better. Like, okay, what did you get out of this? Even I remember being in like seventh grade and we're reading a book, and they're talking about like, oh, and whatever, whatever, like, huh, I did not get that. Like, and I'm smart. I've always been smart, but my brain just doesn't work that way. I didn't get up on symbolism at all in literally just none of it. I was like, are you serious? Are you sure? I literally remember asking myself about my junior year English teacher who was passionate about teaching literature. And I'm so glad because you know, I love that shit. But again, survival mode. So, you know, but she was so fucking good, dude. And she's the one that I read of my son, men with and the Fahrenheit, whatever. 451. Yeah. 451 or 457. I'm like, whatever the degree is to, you know, I might be wrong. It's one of the who cares. It's it's a temperature. I know that. But she was so good at the symbolism, right? And I remember thinking, though, hmm, is that just your interpretation? Like, are you sure? Have you ever read Ray Bradbury where he said that is what he meant, in fact, with that symbolism? Because I'm that was a stretch the red delete that. She was like that. She's like, really into it. But I was so glad because I certainly wouldn't have done the message behind that book. If she had played it all. I can read so many books and then, you know, somebody will say, Oh, because that's about whatever like, Oh, then, you know, now that you say it. Okay. Okay. That's why I did romance because they would suck me in really fast. Like, it would have to be pretty well written, but still, like, something that would I have to be hooked immediately. And then it's got to have a lot of like, you know, not too much. Because I got to where the conflict was even like, okay, it's angsty. I gotta, I gotta cut out for a little bit. Not too much conflict, just enough. Because, you know, I really would be like, what's going to happen to January next? I got to get to where I'm skipping through to sex and everything because I'm like, I don't give it. You can only say you fucked her in, like, 30 different ways. Okay, like, I can't. People love those. I don't get that. We're, we're all just out here reading the soft core porn. Oh, well, it wasn't really that soft when I first started reading it. Grandma's reading it now. So they like trade their romance novels, and I'm like, what? Here's what I have to tell you. I was telling John do this the other day. I read one of those because somebody's grandma suggested it to me. And I was like, Oh my god, your grandma's reading porn. But here's the other thing. When you read those, talk about some unrealistic expectations of relationships. Like, who treated you though? Who does the, I just remember finishing it and I was like, well, I just need you to know, I'm just going to be over here waiting for this grandiose expression of love from you. And he's like, Oh, no, for my hate to disappoint you. I'm like, no, I need something real big because everything I read keeps talking about. And like, what do you do? You made me breakfast ever occasionally. Like, this isn't going to be enough coffee and bed. That's not enough. Loving me and supporting me. Not enough. Where's the grandiose expression of love? But that's what they don't mean. I'm outside my window playing the guitar. Get out there, buddy. Where's my love song? Where's my car with the bow and the driveway? Did you find my long lost friend and bring them here from Iceland? Hello, where is he? That is such a fair point. Where's where where's my surprise? You know, where? Like, what? I don't know. I mean, my standards are so low now that I don't even know because, you know, I'm married to an unromantic person. So I did spend quite a few years in fantasy land with my boyfriends made for good sex. But other than that, yes, some pretty unrealistic expectations. But I don't know. I wonder how much of that because I do find myself still, it's weird. I don't want to be loved any differently. That's not really a goal anymore. But I still think about that being swept off my feet. Yes, exactly. The thing. I do literally want to exist to take care of you. Yeah, like, can I just have one person ever be upset? Like a person I actually like, like, with me, please, just wants, just wants. Can I have somebody be obsessed with me one time in my lifetime? I feel like I have to experience somebody being a, you know, that I like too, not like I've had plenty of people be obsessed, but I did not want that from those people. What are you doing? We're, but I was thinking about that before we start talking. I was sitting here often, you know, disassociation land, I guess. And I was thinking about like, what would I do if somebody like were just at my beck and call? I would fucking hate them because that's not human nature. I already had that one time and we got divorced because it drove me nuts. You like me so much. Like, go do something on your own. Yeah, I know that I have an inch with you. I will take an inch and a half. And of course, that's my rejection back then, pushing away, pushing away, pushing how far can I push you? How far can I push you? Like, so far, actually, so far now that I don't respect you. Oh, that was that really was all your thing was the lack of respect for the people you were with. I knew this one was going to be different from the very beginning for you because you had this immense amount of respect for him going in. Like, you really liked who he was as a person, loved his philosophy, loved how empowered he made you feel. It was never a competition. It was never like some tear you down thing. And it wasn't so much of an obsession that I mean, I think it was obvious that he like, you know, was super into you. But I think there was a line always that you knew you couldn't cross. You know, are you trying a couple of times? But you know, like, and I love that, I love that for both of you. I love that you try and I love that he's like, that's sweet. You know, but you know, I do, I've always been like, this is a good one for you because there's, well, you didn't get with him so that he could help you support your children. That's first and foremost when we start relationships from that place, which, you know, I, I have been really open about the fact that that's the only reason I actually followed through with marriage with Brian is because I was like, well, we've already brought the kids in and all this whatever and I need to help with kids. So we're gonna do this not because I didn't love him, but I knew that we weren't in a good relationship. I mean, I knew I wasn't good. He wasn't doing that much good either, you know, but I was like, well, here we go. We'll see. I guess. Yes. My Jim and I asked, he finally loves me enough to marry me. Let's do it as quickly as possible before you change your mind, please. Yeah, we got engaged Christmas Eve and then married in March. Wow. Yep. It would have been earlier if I'd had my way. I'll tell you that much. Wow. You didn't want to do it around his birthday though. So no February. So I did it three days after my child's birthday in March. Well, it's gonna be later in March, but we realized that would have fallen on his sister's birthday. So we were like, no, not even realizing it was his brother's birthday that we were getting married on. What assholes? We realized before it happened, so we made our groom's cake, his birthday cake, but oops, sorry. Oh my gosh, that's so funny. That's so funny. Good times. Well, I'm going to work on some affirmations. I got to think about that. What are you struggling with? Nothing, but I got to go think back about what, like, baby me was struggling with. Well, I mean, I could tell you, like, I think just just the same shit that I'm saying to myself, you know, just the I think remembering the compassion that you want to lead with love and compassion and kindness for yourself. Yeah, I will also tell you when I was reading through that one of their examples, it was like, if you saw a kid and they fell off a bike and, you know, skin their knee, would you be like, that's what happens when you ride too fast? Or would you be like, oh, no, let's get you a band-aid, whatever, whatever. And I was like, huh, you know, 50/50, honestly. No, I mean, I was saying, no, I was saying the same thing, honey. No, but that's that whole thing. We get very dismissive when we don't want to feel something. So more often than not, even if we don't verbalize to that child, we, you and I, would absolutely be like, god damn it, this is exactly why I told you blah, blah, blah. You know what I mean? Oh, do you think that's like being a dismissive and like, that's why I was like, um, I'm the bad example. No, because I do it too. No, I do it too. And this is why that book just doesn't know us specifically, but you know, but that's what I'm saying is that that that was one of the biggest things that made me question why I was responding to Charlie the way I was when I started to do this work on if we're dismissing it was that because I mean, the smallest things she's hurt or whatever. I don't want to deal with the noise of the crying, but I also just want her to be fine and shut up and move on. So I'm, I, but I started to be like, what would happen? Literally, I would ask myself, what would happen if you were to just go, oh, that looks like it hurts so bad. And you just help them into the house and you do the five minutes of cuddle, like, let me clean it, let me whatever. And then you just move on because immediately we're putting that masculine energy. Okay, so I want you to really think about what's happening in a moment like this, the things that we're doing all the time to dismiss others in a small situation like that. We can use the child example and the bike because it's easy to talk about, but really be thinking about how this applies to other things. Because I know that you and I both do this all day, every day, every minute of every day, we're fighting some level of dismission. Okay. So if you think about it and you go, okay, why, why did I react that way? Okay, well, I know that I'm trying to not sit with something. So what would happen if I did? Why am I not willing to sit with people? Well, our masculine energy happens immediately because in crisis, anytime something's wrong, we had to be in charge, right? Our core narrative is, I'm the only one that can handle any of this because nobody ever does. No one's got my back or anyone out, like, I'm in charge. Anytime something goes wrong, it's all on me. My fucking shoulders are the biggest of the world because, you know, God or Pluto or whoever decided that my shoulders needed to bear the brunt of everything. Okay, that's what starts it. Your nervous system's activated. Is that a feeling place? No, when you're ready to go fucking hunt a lion or run from a bear, that's not about feelings. That's about survival. You are put in survival mode. So you have to chill and realize, hey, nobody going to die if you feel baby, you know, but I really was afraid of the feelings. What is that going to be like? If I let myself feel her pain for a second, well, first of all, you don't really even feel it, you know, it's just an absence of the masculine in that moment. It's an absence of the survival mode in that moment. So we're not bad people for not giving a fuck about that kid because we know how to capture a lion or run from a bear. We can do that. And that is a strength. That's a good thing. But there are times when we need to huddle, you know, we need all this soft, we need a pillow, we need to be a pillow for someone else. That's the feminine. That's where we just allow things to flow. And I thought that there was this deep, dark, scary feeling at the end of me being dismissive. I thought this feeling that I was trying to push away must be deep, dark, and scary. It's fucking not. It's not big deal at all because I have to ask myself this every single day. Why are you just missing this person? You know, and then let it out. I have to get my it's like thinking about like switching sides of your brain, attacking a problem from a different perspective. And those are the types of things that you have to affirm is I am allowed human responses. And sometimes the human response is going to be my nervous system becoming activated in a situation that typically that would have been a reasonable response. You know, I mean, how many times have there been a crisis and you activate that nervous system response, your masculine energy, and you go fuck that crisis up, you know, that's the way we've survived. But we have to learn that our normal everyday little challenges, that's not there for us to become more masculine. In fact, it's an opportunity for us to learn to tap into that feminine flow and just be like, okay, you know, as things happen, I can be this, I can be that. But I'm really learning to give myself permission to be all of these things. And it's hard because I'm used to one thing. And I'm used to expecting one thing, being one thing, and those being very incongruent things. But as you start to unravel all of this, it's exactly going back to embracing my fire. I already fucking am all the shit I want to be. But I have to learn to use these opportunities for what they are. I am so happy that the things that happened yesterday happened, because I did gain so much from two experiences that really could have wrecked a lot of progress. I mean, I could have, I could have had my little coin jar of all the times that I've responded well, and then just poured the whole thing out, because I didn't respond the way I expected myself to. But in hindsight, I'm like, no, honey, you did exactly what you were supposed to. You don't have to be this perfect person. And sometimes it's hard because I do, even if I'm not masculine, I will tap into that dark feminine thing. I'm going to give you a stupid example. Also at the Western base parade, there was a covered wagon ride, okay? We were interested in the covered wagon ride. So we took the covered wagon ride. And it was an elderly man at the horse's reigns, just, you know, and I was in a particularly feminine mood, we'll say. And I was probably defensive the second we got on the covered wagon, because men in his generation, I don't love can't help it. So he immediately makes a joke and says, can any of y'all women make gravy? Like, we'll serve, we'll be able to survive on the trail if one of y'all can make gravy, right? I mean, okay, thank you. Thank you. Because that was your penis, maybe able to stir me. Exactly. So I was like, I say nothing. I'm being stone, right? They kind of hit and then he looks to my girls, because Charlie's over the friend, in the story that he's telling that I'm like, cringing about. I mean, he was giving us good information about like what this trail was actually like and stuff. That part was fine. Then he uses the word buffalo chips. And so he's like, y'all and I would left low chips, are he looked to the girls to try to embarrass them, but they weren't paying attention because, you know, nothing really met their expectations yesterday. They needed a shit. You know, I get it. Okay. They were, they weren't complaining or anything, but it was just like, Oh, I thought this would be more fun kind of thing, you know, but I was having a great time. So I was like, I want the covered wagon ride. So then he notices that they are not going to give him the response. And he looks at me and he's like, do you know what buffalo chips are? Of course I fucking know what buffalo chips are getting raised in Oklahoma, my whole life. This is such a funny joke. It's kind of like talking about, I don't remember what they call them, but you know, bull balls, whatever that is. Thank you. Like, yeah, we all know. Okay. Well, so I go, huh, thinking he'd shut the fuck up and move on, but he didn't, he didn't so much so that the people cross from me thought that they need to explain. Here was me. Nothing to say to you, right? So he finally like just got his shit together and drove the damn horses and only talked to the people across from me because I was just like, listen, I don't want to be mean to old men either. I don't, but I'm not giving old men a pass anymore to which I said, Brian, when we're leaving, I'm complaining a little bit about the dog thing, you know, kind of being like, yo, you know, this is where I was at in that situation. And I brought up the old man. And you know, Brian is in this space where he's like, just let people people be who they are, you know, like, you don't have to. And I'm like, no, I'm not going to be like, I'm not going to do that. I said, no, no passes for old men. Sorry. But I said that because that's what I want my girls to hear, because what Brian as a man will never know, he will never know what it's like to, sorry, I'm going to get really serious here for a second, but he's never going to know what it's like to not say no to your best friend's dad who comes up to you in the middle of the night at 18 years old and is doing some real fucked up shit to you, but you feel guilty to say no. You go along with the entire goddamn thing because you don't know how to say no to someone who's nice to you and has treated you like this and blah, blah, blah, blah. Brian as a man will never know what that feels like ever. Brian as a man will never know what it feels like for a sweet old man, but I get on your lap and then touch you in a way that you shouldn't be to Brian will never know what that feels like. So no, no old men get passes because guess what? Old men, a lot of the old men used to be 40 year olds, 30 year olds, 20 year olds doing a lot of not nice shit. And then they got the past that all the men of those generations got and they aren't getting the past with me. The buck fucking stops here. You can do whatever you want to whoever's going to let you get away with it, but you know who's not anyone in my periphery. We're not doing it. And I think about this a lot actually because of Charlie and I don't, I don't, I was thinking about it like man, I wonder if it really even matters who I am. If she will be one of those daughters who just is annoyed by me no matter what, you know, like if I'm some fucking hippie, then I never take things seriously enough, you know, like I've been picturing all these different like women in TV shows or movies that I've seen my whole life, you know, and how their daughters respond to them. And so it really made me think like, you need to meet her where she is, period. This isn't about you. If you, if you want to make an impact, sure that's great. But like, as far as she's concerned, you're just going to have to listen to her and grow with her and meet her where she is always. But she will not be raised by someone teaching her to not trust her intuition. For whatever reason, she was very disinterested in him as a person. Why am I going to ask her to make him feel good? Why are you singling the little girls out? Talk to the grown lady who thinks your buffalo chip joke is hilarious. Well, and then when we first got on, he said to this guy, well, this is a different girl than you had here yesterday with you. Hilarious, right? I don't know. I mean, I did laugh. I was like, oh my God, I was in shock, right? And they went along with it. And she says like, I'm the cute one. But I was like, dude, because the guy's like, well, it worked so well yesterday. I thought I'd try it again. And I was like, oh my God, I feel really uncomfortable. Like this joke has gone too far. But I am a little worried that I know, I'm probably just like, you know, talking shit to myself a little maybe or a little if if you believe that Charlie thinks that you're a good mom and doesn't give you any shit about it, then you're not a good mom. I look, I mean, I don't have daughters, but I look across and I do know some teenagers right now. And the people that try really hard to make their moms happy and tell them how great they are are the people that have the terrible moms and all of the kids that are very well adjusted when you're a teenager, if your mom is anything, your mom is is the most annoying thing, because it's just how it is. And then when their brains come back, when they're like 24 or 25, they're like, Oh, wow, thank God I had this feminist mom, this hippie mom, this what you know what I mean? Whatever it is. But like, I honestly think between the ages of like 15 and 25, if they're telling you how great they are, they're trying to reassure themselves. Like, more about them than you. Yeah. So actually, like, I don't think you have to worry about that. I think if you're like, you know, yeah, yeah, but you do think about her all the time, I do. And you do for the way you wish you were parented. Yeah. Which is 100% what she wants and means. She just maybe doesn't know that. But you know what I mean? Well, she's not right now, she's still very obsessed with me, which is why I'm capitalizing anytime she's watching me. You know what I mean? Right. Even when she's not obsessed with you, even when she doesn't like you anymore for that little period of time, she will still be watching you. And she will still love you. She just won't tell you, right? Yeah. Well, I have a problem still. I think I'm just realizing this, you know, I've been working on like what parts of my worth still need work, you know, like where I still kind of talk shit. But I do still, I'm still open to Brian's voice in a negative way, which I'm just like kind of in real time discovering. But you know, his like, just let the old people be the old people until they die, right? I feel guilty that I'm being rude to old people. I do. I do feel guilty because I don't want to be rude to anyone. But how can I teach anyone? How can I allow myself to stand in my own power if I'm constantly giving it away, no matter the age? And frankly, that generation is where my trauma lies in so many different ways because I was raised by them. And I have to confront it. I have to. And until they stop behaving like fucking dicks, I'm going to not be able to not be a dick back. Well, so here, here's the thing. You are in the right. And Brian, if you're listening, you're wrong, you're so wrong. If that guy, I mean, it's just, it's so easy to take this like, Oh, it's okay to make women a little uncomfortable. Like, it's okay. So what if he was saying crazy things about like black people or brown people or people with disabilities, you would be appalled. And you were ready to your daughter. Right. You would be appalled. And you would say like, Oh, you can't say those things. So why then do you get to put what like, no, no, the wrong thing is a wrong thing. And you're not being ugly. And you're not being disrespectful. But showing people how you will allow yourself to be treated is perfectly acceptable. And then they can decide what they want to do with that. You're not doing anything ugly to him. You didn't tell him like, Hey, dirty old sagging balls. Get the fucking mystery. Quit making stupid jokes, quit talking to my daughters. If you want to say something generally fine, but don't don't do that. It makes us uncomfortable. Quit it. You're both, you know, you don't see any of those things. You're right. Well, no, you have another insecurity. This is just another part where I never felt safe to step into it. You're like the patriarchy teaching you that you should be nice and sweet and go along because you don't want to hurt somebody else's feelings. Yes, you let them hurt your feelings. And that's okay. You figure it out. How about go fuck yourself. I won't. And hey, I need you to be an ally because you have a wife and a daughter. So no, we're not going to let the old people. Maybe instead, you should say something Brian. Maybe you should say something nicely because you get to be the one in power, not us. We're just a girl. So I'm just a girl. You know what I mean? So like, I don't know how to I don't have a daughter. And honestly, you're right. It's best that way because there's so many things that I would be like outraged about and so many things that I wouldn't know how to handle. But I don't think you're at all in the wrong. So don't even think for one minute you are. I and if I hadn't heard that screaming, I wouldn't even know that, you know? Yeah. I love hearing you talk about Charlie because I'm like, Oh, it literally changes like and then I start noticing people do that even to me still. Yeah. And it's infuriating. I'm not a little aged. What are you doing? It was intentional. And you know what? I'm not doubting my intuition. I know the fuck what it was. And he wanted to embarrass us. He wanted us to be like, No, what is that? And then him get to with a mouthful of glee laugh and say it's cow shit. You know, I'm not fucking stupid. I was raised with these men. I know. My great friend Paul was one of those dirty old men. I fucking know who this man is. And don't tell me to not trust the energy I feel when I am in something else's presence. I was trained for that shit. That happens. I mean, this is what I was thinking about. And I haven't even said this to him. He listens to every episode bless his heart. So he will hear it. But hey, Brian. I was thinking about this afterwards in a very like calm, like, okay, whatever. And again, this is going to be really serious. But that incident with my friend's dad fucked me up really bad because I mean, I almost lost my virginity to him. I was able to stop it at that point because I realized that's where he was going. That's not what I wanted. So I was like, no, I'm not going to do that. But I mean, like, I did absolutely go along with every step of it acted like I wanted it and everything because I'm like, well, I can't make this really uncomfortable for everyone else. I mean, you know, my friend will hate me. You know, your friends are fucking alcoholic who or your, you know, your dad friend, he's an alcoholic who just approached me very like I was on the phone with someone came up from behind me. Like, you know, and I remember too, when I was like five and a sexual abuse happened, I remember not wanting to make waves and not wanting to make things awkward or uncomfortable afterwards. And my goal then was not just discomfort, but also I didn't want him to leave us because he was the, I think he was a teenager. I don't even know. He seemed older, but at the time, I put it all together. He was playing football with a with friends in the yard, but he did leave us and like afterwards, and I went to find him like, are you not going to babysit us now? Like, what the fuck? But it was all just that people pleasing shit that ever got me in scenarios like that because I wouldn't have like gone along with any of the shit that I've ever gone along with if I didn't have to keep sweet and fucking obey, you know, so you're right. I'm saying all of that to say, thank you for framing it in this way, because sometimes I have to have a mindset shift to where I'm like, this isn't mean. This isn't mean. I'm not being mean, grandma. I'm fucking standing up for myself. And this is how you do that appropriately. And yes, I am picking on anyone who thinks that they're going to enter into a space, especially in front of my daughter and disrespect me. Like, I'll let all that more shit go if she's not around to witness it, but she's a little baby's people, please and ask. So like, I see that in her and I'm, you know, meeting her where she is, but as a model, I have to show her what it looks like to fucking stand in your power because no one else is going to do it. And everyone else is very content for you to let them do whatever the fuck they want to do. And go and be me, bitch. And go and be me. I'll fucking shank your ass. Yeah, it took me a long time to not be that exact same way, but saying all of your experiences. Same. Like, I went along with stuff. I did all sorts of stuff. I didn't want to be in trouble and like, and so yeah, just know, which is why I tried to teach my kids. Like, hey, no, you can argue. There's a difference between respect. You can respect somebody, but you don't have to give everybody power over you. And if something makes you uncomfortable, that's like, it's not just like whatever you're doing, anything your teacher says. No, don't do anything your teacher says. Something makes you feel weird. That's okay. Tell me about it. Like, we don't have to do that. If anybody ever tells you not to tell them something, like, no, immediately tell me that's a weird thing to say to somebody. Don't let somebody say that to you. Like, we're not going to do those things. Like, you don't get somebody doesn't get to make you feel bad or like, you're bad, you know. That word right there bad. You know, bad can mean that's been the recurring theme of our entire lives. And, you know, what Brian's actually saying is, I'm uncomfortable. You know what I mean? It's not fucking comfortable for me. I didn't do it. You know what I mean? Just like with the boy and the mom and the dog, I was standing there minding my own business. I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. I mean, I can name shit all day, every day that people do. I mean, there's stuff all the time that people do out of their own wounding. And I'm able to see it now, and I don't take it as personally. But you know, if you fucking cross the line, I'm gonna go ahead and back you up a little bit. That's just that. But I feel like my line is a lot softer and sweeter. It really is. As a person, I feel like I'm walking around in a very caring space. I mean, I care deeply for people. I have always cared deeply for people. That's who I am. But now, I do care about myself the most. No one gets to make me feel uncomfortable because they are fucking stupid. That's just not gonna happen anymore without me saying something to indicate that I'm not the fucking one. And I was trying really hard to do it in a way that, you know, wasn't like embarrassing as fuck to that man. Like, I was trying as hard as I could to be considered and respectful in that moment. But nobody on this little wagon needs to be singled out. Period. Just tell your little jokes and keep moving. It doesn't need to be all that. Right. Yeah, just doesn't. And Brian's like, I'm like, well, but you're still battling your people, pleasing tendencies. So don't don't film. But see, again, I probably just need to be reminded that Brian has always had the ability to hit me in that exact same space my grandma did, where because he was my authority figure, that's the way I view relationships, you know, like it was the dynamic that I created in my relationships was to try to work out ending wounding with the person I was intimate with. And yeah, somewhere some way I developed a notion that he had, he was smarter, you know, he was better at controlling his feelings. He had this philosophical approach to things. And yeah, I mean, on the outside, if all you want to be is calm and peaceful, Brian's the dude, the model. I mean, yeah, I mean, so, you know, yeah, very chill. And so I did listen. And some of those narratives have created a lot of harm for me unknowingly, because it was the same wound that he's hit over and over and over that my grandma did. And that, you know, that you're not enough wound. You're not enough and you're too much. And just her calling me mean, and whatever else she would say about how I wasn't a good person, Brian can hit that space really easily with opinions like that, because it does, it just hits me there like, oh, am I, am I too? That's the word too. Am I too mean? Am I, am I being too much? Like, and, and the tapping into my feminine nature has meant full flow, allowing myself to follow my intuition period. No matter what it is and to silence his voice and everyone else's and just do whatever the fuck I want in that moment that feels right. It's not always going to be right, because feelings aren't fact. But if I'm listening to my intuition, there's not a lot that can go wrong there, you know, because intuition is just an instinct to act. So if I do that, I usually don't go wrong. But it's when I'm flooding with thoughts and feelings of what should I do? What should I not do a lot that I really struggle? But I have really, it's been probably like a week now where I'm just trying not to like trying to have a structure and a boundaries, but not too much plan, like some plan, but you know, a compass instead of GPS and a map and a compass and trying to control the shit out of everything that happens in my life. I realize that I'm not going to achieve at the level that I want to if I'm planning so much, because that shit happens by like opportunity that you just have to act on. So I want to be able to be open to opportunities, but I can't if I'm just staying in this little bubble of control. And so I said, okay, I want to be soft and I want to be flowing and I want opportunities and I want to accept them and I want to most of all learn what my voice sounds like, because all those years of hearing all of the shit in my brain, I thought that was me and it wasn't. And when things got quieter, I could hear the actual voices that were there and they weren't mine, you know, in the shadows of shame. Those weren't my voice. And so now I'm learning what my voice sounds like or the voice of whatever fucking guardian angels are around me protecting me or whatever, you know, who is guiding me, but not the past shit talker in me, you know, just silencing that and moving forward with the knowledge that again, I do have everything I need inside of me to be. I don't need anything else to be. I just am. I don't need to acquire new skills. I don't need to acquire new shit. Any of that, I just have to learn to utilize all of this that's already in me. But that's why I'm trying so hard to just embrace all of this, the parts of me. But I mean, humans, man, we're really fucking complex and we keep trying to put ourselves in a box. You and I do this, you know, we're gonna, we fucking attack everything we can with masculinity, you know, saying that and I was like, everything I have is GPS. And then I'm like, recalculate. If one thing goes wrong, recalculate, like, okay, wait, recalculate. I turned a different way, like, oh, what's a new plan, recalculate, like, literally, I'm just, that's all my whole day. It's just like, yeah, well, and I would say that the way I'm envisioning things now is more like water and more like, you know, just a snow globe even where shit's gonna get shaken up. But the water will settle. And that little figure in there is still stable and steady, just letting the water move, you know, and I'm just trying to, like, understand that if I truly embrace being a fucking human, that's gonna mean a lot of different things. And you can't predict every minute of every day of your life. And I spend a lot of time trying to predict so much so that all self sabotage to get the predicted outcome, you know, but as I stop all of these self sabotaging behaviors besides eating sugar, I'm practically fucking shoving sugar at my fucking ass at night, you know, I mean, just anyway, I can inhale it. Besides that, I've really like, stopped all this self sabotaging behaviors, you know, and as I do that, it teaches me to just allow, I'm just trying to allow whatever that is, which is why I've really gotten into that, meet people where they are, you know, but dude, we're all the same, we're all the fucking same. I mean, I have had a couple of incidences with clients where I've caught myself feeling nervous to say what I want to say. Like, I have a client who is a male and, you know, I'm not brave enough to ask him his zodiac sorry, because he's not into it, you know, but I have a client and he, I don't know why, but for a second, I was like afraid that if I were to say what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it, that it would be, he's very logical and it was going to be kind of emotional, which is in direct conflict with what he is ready for or whatever. And he doesn't change his facial expression while he's considering what you're saying. So it would kind of freak me out because I'd be like, oh, is this where I lose him? You know, and then I was like, stop it. Like, you know what he needs, you fucking know it. That's why he's been sent to you, because if I believe, I ask the universe, send me the people, send me the people that I am meant for. And I believe that that's what's happening. So just fucking say what you want to say, you have a message that's very specific to you, the only you can give in this way, fucking say what you need to say. I do. And I'm now not afraid to say what I want to say. But actually, with both my male clients, I think, I have a few actually, but there's two different ages that, but their personalities make me, did make me a little afraid to just be 100% direct balls to the walls, you know, and then second session, I was like, you know, like, I'm on the waterboard, you real quick, because they need that. They've tried safety of security and control their whole lives. So they, one of them is an Aries. But I just started saying it, like, I was just like, listen, this may not feel like what like you thought you were going to hear today, but like, you know what helps you. That's why you want to spread this message. Heal yourself so that you're not walking around viewing the world through your wounds. And that's what I've really been trying to get across to my clients is like, you're, you can't start to manage conflict with other people until you manage the conflict within you. And I'm so grateful that we've gotten that because that's been our whole lives is like assuming and believing in, you know, all out of some sense of protection for ourselves. And it is so much easier for me to have a conversation that's not threatening specifically with Brian, you know, where I'm like, I just can't be nice right now. Instead of you're getting on my fucking nerves, it's not that I just can't be nice right now. I'm needing something that I haven't met the need for. I got to get away from you so I can figure out what that is. Because I don't want you to meet the need. If I did, I'd ask. I'm getting really good at that. Like, I need blah, blah, blah, you know, even if I hate doing it, I'm like, we please blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, like, I don't, I don't want to, but I do it. I'm doing it. And we have this really good, like, lay in the bed and just talk for like an hour the other night. And I was so embarrassed to tell him something. I don't remember what it was, but I was explaining a prior time that I freaked out about something. I don't even remember what it was, not even recent, I don't think. But I was like, okay, let me tell you what was really happening with that. Because now that I'm applying what I know now, I can tell you exactly what was triggered in that. And I feel stupid saying this because it's so embarrassing because it's so illogical and irrational. But it is what it is. So this is what it was. And he was like, God, that makes so much more sense than what, like, obviously than what you were saying. It was some sort of betrayal I felt like he was, you know, not taking my side or whatever. But, you know, figuring out things like that, it helps for the next time to just like convert. So that's how honestly the ability to stay present is the first and foremost, that's why I'm teaching people that so hardcore. Like I, I'll tell you this too. This is what I'm having clients do. Start with when you're brushing your teeth because you do it every day. So you can develop a routine with that pretty easily. But a good mindfulness practice is when you're brushing your teeth, you are so present that you are focusing on each step of the process to where you're like, okay, I am grabbing my tooth paste. I am untwisting the toothpaste. I am putting the toothpaste on this so that you're not zoned out during any part of that. And it's just like grounding, you know, when I'm looking at the signs of the cars, you know, whatever, that focus allows you to be in that moment only. There's no ability to be triggered by anything because you are focused because how much we get bored easily, right? So how much are we just like zoning out, trying to create fairy tales or whatever in our brain to entertain us while we're doing these monotonous things, right? But if we take this opportunity during monotonous moments to be mindful and present, that is when the next time you're in some sort of thing, your brain knows how to be mindful now because you've been practicing those things. So you've got like a little, it's almost like a trigger word, you know, that brings you in instead of out. It's like hypnosis. We're going to hypnotize ourselves really quick to be present in this moment and then be able to then recall the tools that we have, you know, like, but when we have all of this knowledge that we've ever had so much so that we could intellectualize the shit out of anything and think we were working on our issues, you know, now we get to take that our intellectual side and these like just skills. So we've got intellect, we've got skills, and now we've got feelings and mindfulness like we can stay present in the moment to like accept the feeling, dismiss the feeling when we're ready to release it, cope, and then respond. And that's the way it happens is these small little introduce something new into your system. We have always been all or nothing. So that's why we truly have had a how many days since things for lots of things our entire life. I mean, I've utilized that. I haven't texted them in this long. I yeah. So I totally feel that in my core because that's what's always motivated me. And I mean, I have a Virgo stellium. So like numbers mean a lot to me. So getting to track progress is very important for my brain. But there are just some things that we just have to accept, you know, that if we want to be truly at peace within ourselves and not feel like we the affirmations won't be as important then because we just are. We just are. But I think you're like you're not understanding that that was just being dismissive about the child on the bike. I think that you're just still uncovering your shadows of shame and your feelings. And that's okay. I mean, I'm spending a lot of time in this space a lot. So I, you know, and when I talk, I learn new shit. So like I'm spending almost every hour of my day every day having these conversations. So, you know, there's not a lot left for me to find. Plus, I mean, I almost killed myself. So like, you know, I kind of was in a rapid transformation of let's get away from that. You're like, I'm the biggest loser, but the biggest loser of like emotional vulnerability. The gym, you know, twice a week and you're over here doing eight hours a day. Exactly. That was a good analogy. Exactly. Yeah. Well, I mean, and yeah, I think I'm not, I also have a different kind of career. You know, your career requires you to utilize the masculine energy and mine's allowing me to use a feminine. So you'll just learn where to, you know, have that balance. Well, honest to God, if there's any way for you to restructure and do things the way I was talking about how I have like my Friday after two o'clock, I'm done. And I even am volunteering at Charlie's school, like in the middle of that day. And then Saturday and Sunday are mine. I mean, I need to do a little better about doing some administrative tasks over the weekend, but take care. Like, I'm just, I'm just trying too hard to get a balance to care too much to do list getting behind, you know, because I have to take care of myself and my weeks are very busy. So it doesn't matter if I love what I'm doing or not, there's a still mean time that's not GPS. Yep. We'll tell John, let's say hello. Mrs. I will talk to you soon. Have a great week. Me too. Bye. Hey, what do you say? Listen, first and foremost, please make sure that you have provided this podcast with a five star rating on whichever platform that you are listening. If you want to support the show, please rate, like, and share. Also, like, comment, and share on any social media posts that you see from me on Instagram or Facebook or TikTok. Please follow the podcast Facebook, emotionally and available podcasts. You can shop my foot online, store, or schedule a one-on-one with me. Emotionally, Unavailable Podcast.org. I'm offering what I'm calling non-traditional counseling, astrology readings, and tarot readings. And thank you so much for listening to the Emotionally Unavailable Podcast. All right, hope you liked that episode with Jane Doe. I hope you loved hearing more about the Shadows of Shame. Remember, this is all coming from The Finding Peace Workbook by Troy Love. You can find that on Amazon really easily. So if you like the information we've been talking about, you should absolutely get the book. And don't forget to shop in my online store. Thank you.