Channeled Not Taught
My Alchemical Process
I want to share with you some ideas I've been — hello, I want to share with you some ideas that I've been having, some revelations I've been realizing. I am somebody that has done a lot of emotional work. I used to have a child, a card when I was a child, used to have a child, I swear I don't, or I didn't, won't, oh. Hello, I'm somebody that's done an extreme amount of emotional work. I found Kyle Cease's work a couple of years ago, a few years ago, and really I am an individual that obsesses about things. I'm very passionate, somebody said, "Have I found my passion?" I said, "I am the passion," and everything that I've found, my quote is that we are seeking the essence of what we truly are and all the things our eyes can see, that I get pulled into things, completely engrossed and enthralled by something that I meet the depths of what I am inside of all the things that my eyes can see and sometimes I get lost in something so much that I drown, and so I'm careful about what it is that I participate in, whether that's sex, drugs, or rock 'n' roll, because I know what I know myself pretty well. When I was young, I used to have a card that would get me out of school, get me out of class because I've thrown chairs at people that have pushed my buttons and because people knew that I had buttons that they could press, obviously that made me a target. I was angry, I wasn't seen or heard at school, I wasn't seen or heard at home, I wasn't receiving the love in the way that I needed to receive love because maybe the people looking after me weren't getting the love or receiving the love in the way that they needed and they weren't emotionally liberated, they weren't aligned with their souls and they weren't in touch with themselves truthfully, so how could they ever be in touch with me, so it's not a victim statement or a victim realisation, but just something to paint the story at the beginning of what I'm about to share with you, and this thing that I have been realising more and more day in and day out. I've just been with a client all day, all day, he actually travelled across the world to come and see me and spend a day with me and it's been the most powerful day, it really has, you know, this, I'm going to be speaking a lot of spiritual jargon that I can appreciate that not everybody is going to understand, they're going to look at me like I'm crazy or they're not going to understand what I'm talking about, but the money in which you invest in yourself is a deep correlation to, a direct correlation to what it is that you get out of something, money is just energy, and if it's scary to spend £200 to spend time with somebody, like on a call, then you should do that because that excitement is the thing that launches you, it fuels you to move on to your path. So this space is what creates it, it's God is creating it through me and creating it through him and this space is what creates this magnificent fuel, this magnificent opening shall we say, for inspiration to shine on through, for the truth to come out, it's not that I'm magic or he's magic, it's that we are surrounded by magic and we open a loving space because as we know in everyday life, nobody's really willing to go really deep to cry in front of one another, to hold a hand or to lean on one's shoulders because we're in a prideful state trying to get ahead because we're in shame, we're in guilt, we're in these law vibrations trying to prove oneself because we're avoiding how we truly feel and as I like to say, as we avoid how we truly feel, we create more of a void and we feel compelled to fill it with outside forces or outside voices and then as a byproduct of that, we make out of alignment choices, we are training ourselves to not listen to our inner voice and so we feel empty, we feel lost but we never were lost, we were just always listening to the collective thought patterns, it's funny he had frustration in his body, his anger in his body and I could liken it to my childhood that I was angry and I used to get pissed off that people put me in a box until I realized now in hindsight, I had put myself in a box actually in order to survive, I painted myself and projected a personality that was really built out of protection, I was afraid of not being accepted for who I really was, facing the curiosity of my sexuality, facing the curiosity of how I wanted to express myself in a world, was it comedy, was it art, was it acting, was it painting, was it drawing, was it speaking, why would I speak, who would listen to me, I'm not an old man with a gray beard, why would they listen to me? And all of these sorts of excuses that kept me back from sharing myself, sharing myself, sharing myself, so as a direct reflection I was rejecting myself and I was experiencing life in this unforgiveness victimized by my own limitations, the limits that I had placed on myself based on the projections that I've made about the people that I love the most and how they will feel about me when it was never true in the first place and I've seen as I've slowly shifted myself into my reality and liberated myself from myself and posed change that everybody else is shifting with me and I sit there, it's almost like I'm in this video game, I'm just like what is going on, like you're speaking differently now and my ego says well you're only doing that because I've been saying this so much and now you're saying it but that's not true, the ego's lying just like it lied before, the ego needed control, needed to shift the way that they were doing things and control it and I need you to be like this, I need you to be like this so that you can love me properly and I never needed other people to love me properly, I needed to love myself properly by allowing myself to be seen and witnessed and heard for who I am today. The amount of hours I've spent in front of this computer writing and preparing myself for the world when all I really needed to do was allow myself to be seen and there's something to be said with the idea that everything happens for a reason but I don't like that statement sometimes, the reason was I was limiting myself, that's why I was in resistance and frustration and pain for so long that the true alchemy of my pain was to move forward towards what I wanted to be authentic to myself, earning money inauthentically, the women in authentic to the truth of what I am, the lifestyle, the people that were around me and I didn't need to change them or hang around them and victimize myself even further because I felt unseen and unheard but who by them will by me first, I think we know the answer to that by now. It's the highest truth that you are whole now and you realize it time and time again and in each moment you step through the portal of fear and you realize you are the truth. The truth of what you are is whole by sharing yourself now through your drawings, through your speeches, through your writings, whatever it is that you want to share with the world, as you share with the world you receive from the world. You are an abundant being but when you limit what it is that you share, you experience a limited reality all around you, you attract a limited lifestyle, you attract a lifestyle that isn't aligned with who you are and then you victimize yourself by feeling "Oh I'm ungrateful, I should be positive, no, no, you should be authentic to yourself not realistic but authentic to yourself that you deserve different, you deserve something that fulfills you inside and of course it's not the outside forces or outside voices that will ever fulfill you." But the fulfillment is a byproduct of realizing your wholeness and deciding that you're going to share yourself as you are today. It's not this four years of inner work that I've done in my room telling myself I'm this person, that person and then walking out in the world all frustrated and angry that nobody can see me who I really am when I never decided to share them anyway, trying to convince them with my voice, getting frustrated each day, each day, each day at who, at you when it was really me. So it seems to me that the victim mentality has got many layers because I understood, I remember I made a video, you know, when I was young I had some really, really tough things happen to me, that I didn't have a safe space to share with anybody, I didn't have a safe space to share with anybody and I kept it all in, I developed the onus and I developed all sorts of things and I took on responsibilities that were not my own of other people's lives because I was playing saviour and people would say that I'm playing saviour but really it's like my heart is trying to use itself, my heart is trying to serve just like I talk about sexuality so look for example, I believe that young men's porn problems stems from the fact that they want to share their seed, they want to spread their seed and when they don't have physical vessels for that, they need to fulfil it on the screen but the thing is is we have an ego and a soul, the animal wants to spread its seed and you know procreate, right, but the soul wants to spread its seed in ideas, in inspiration, in motivation, in creation and when you start to move on to your spiritual path, the part of you that needs to go and spread this physical seed on the camera, on the porn or on the, with the women or any of these things, all of that desire sort of diminishes because you understand that your soul has a purpose, a deeper purpose in this life force energy, this sexual energy that moves forward, moves through you, is actually being used, it's being fulfilled, the same way my ego wanted to save this girl or save this person or get frustrated at family members that I felt were out of alignment, the ego, the animal was trying to you know take control of actually my soul desires to save, soul desires to serve rather than save and so the frustration is melting, to say the least, dissipating, to say some more, as I move forward towards what it is that I want, it's part of the sport to feel like you're being ignored, really, you have this audience behind you, this audience of people that have rejected you or not loved you in the way that you've ever desired and you feel like if you share it with yourself online, you have them projected images in your mind of these people that you've sort of collected as visualizations of your own insecurities and you use them as weapons, your ego uses them as weapons to keep you stuck, because those are identities that were burst and formed to protect yourself from feeling things that you are unwilling to feel but what about this, what if, what if there is no such thing as safety outside of your body that actually the only place to harbor or to harness or to conjure up or to create form you know forms safety, truthfully, is inside of your body and then outside reflects that, that the anxiety that one feels when they go out is actually the reflection of them being out of alignment with their truth rather than needing these meds to soothe our nervous system, we really actually step into the place we fear the most and realize oh, I'm safe, share myself for who I really am, oh, I'm safe, oh I got rejected but I'm safe, oh I survived that, it didn't crush me like I doodid it would and that thought was a thing preventing me from being authentic you know, a magnificent realization of this alchemization of the idea of being stuck, like what does that even mean, what does it mean to be stuck when there's always an opportunity to be more authentic to who you truly are, you know I've been with the client today and he's talking about showing me the list of goals and everything that he's got, these wishes and dreams and I just said to him, you know what bro, I was like you once and I had all of these things written down and ideas and I had even you know this dream life where he goes to bed on time and he feels this and all of these are mental constructs of things that you have preferences and requirements for your life but when you're actually completely present, you are not the roots of the fruits you once produced, you are completely present, you are just the tree and you work on your spirit and you listen to your spirit, a spirit is guiding you, the intuition is the language of the soul it is guiding you and you start to move from that place, what happens is the roots and the fruits and everything just start to shift and change and then you actually realize that you don't need all of these grand ideas or preferences for your future or the way that things might have to be in order for you to feel good, these are just projections from your past and how you didn't like the way things were and you would have thought you'd feel better if they went another way and so you're projecting that into your future but when you are completely present with your soul, listening to your soul, the sensations of your soul, there is space between thought in that presence above something brand new and that brand new thing will be your thing, the thing that helps serve humanity, not save humanity, the thing that heals trauma in the present moment rather than just always like going into inner work and feeling the emotions and thinking God it's more to come out, it's more to come out, it's more pain, it's more pain, it's like well you're manifesting more of the same, tell me that doesn't seem true to you, that seems like it's very true to me, there's realizations that I'm having each moment that I'm, I can't believe, although I am in my mommy's house right now, I have never been more abundant in my life, I could genuinely live where I want and I go out and I'm surrounded by all of these farms and fields and all of this stuff and ultimately I feel safe where my mother is, I don't know if it's because I'm a cancerion or just because you know we didn't get on well when I was growing up and this has been a safe environment for me to really show my mom that I'm stepping into my kinghood and she is realizing what I have become and who I am and that is healing me through my own decision to step into my kinghood, so this whole time I needed her to see me a certain way and I was like I have been this man for ages, she's recognized it now, she speaks to me differently, she feels differently around me and our relationship is in complete harmony in a way that it never had been before because I was in resistance to who I truly was, afraid to express myself in the way that I knew that I could, you know, ultimately express myself online in the way that I knew that I did with my friends. And so I'm going to I am going to LA. I've just been to Belgium. I've just been to Berlin. But I'm abundant in space, abundant in time, abundant in finances, abundant in ideas, abundant in creativity, abundant in love, abundant in joy, abundant in forgiveness, abundant in courage, another abundant in the fields and the sun, everything around me, all at the same time. Whereas I've never had any of this ever. And of course I made the statement, I'm at my mommy's house, I know that. But I made the decision to sacrifice the lusts of the ego to be in the city, to be close to my goal at the time, to be in the parks and have a social life. And it's more interesting for social media. And I was near my modeling agency, near my acting agency, near my acting classes, near my boxing class and having the community and the other men around me and developing myself into a masculine man and and being around other people my age. And I just saw a vision of my mom's house with this almost hay bale, just sort of moving by the the idea that there was no one here or nothing here. And I thought, God, have mom living with mom, that's going to be tough. We don't get on how we're going to manage that. I've had a deep desire since they, my parents got divorced to be right beside my mom. I really have had a deep desire for that. And you know, it's not philanthropic, it's for the both of us to be close to my brother and to be close to my mother is just something that feels innately just the right decision for me. It feels good to me, feels good for my heart. And despite that fact, I was afraid to move back here and be near the hay bale all alone and not around my friends and not have opportunity to just reach out to the things that I need as a young man need right my egos needs. So I let go of so many things of the thoughts that I had in order to receive the abundance. So by letting go of the quote unquote abundance of the mind, I received abundance in the heart and then my, then my conviction in myself, the sensation of my soul became clearer. The difference between a tapping and a scratching, the sensation became obvious to me. And then the truest initiation was letting go of somebody that I loved that was perfect in every way, the most beautiful person I've ever met, letting go of that person because I understood the sensations of my soul and wasn't, I wasn't going to deny it any longer. And every time I took this leap of faith, God has not caught me, but took me time and time again that I can fly and showed me that I'm capable of anything I set my heart upon. And at the same part of me that was met with resistance by those I love the most is the same part of me that's helping people, freedom, souls with medicine derive from heartfelt thought. I'm truly overwhelmed by what's happened to my life in the past three months, four months since I started my YouTube channel 123 days actually. It's actually 123 because that's actually a nice synchronicity if that's true. I'll have to check another time because I checked early, I don't know if it's 123, 124, but it's beside the point, isn't it? I'm probably one of the most inspired people you will ever meet. The most I'm very courageous, but I was still, still a coward, still limited in ways that I didn't even realize this reality that I was in. I believe in myself, yeah I do, like I do, I'm reading all the right books, reading all the self books and mentalizing things, I'm feeling the emotions, I'm doing all the things I'm meant to do. Changing all this inner world, writing about the people that I admire and absorbing the people I admire, but I wasn't going for what I wanted. Can you imagine? How out of alignment is that? I wonder how many of you are doing the same thing. You don't have to wait until your life is completely figured out to start. In fact, I would say that you figure your life out by opening your heart and starting from where you are now because it's an act of defiance to the ego and an act of love for your soul. Ego doesn't know what's right for you, the ego just knows how to keep you safe and if you keep operating from a place of keeping you physically safe, emotionally safe, you never thrive. How you use energy is a direct correlation to your relationship with energy. So I help people develop a safe space in their body to feel everything, feel the shame, feel the embarrassment. It seems that actually this is a new thought, but that my ability to hold two emotions at the same time or multiple emotions at the same time, conflicting beliefs, almost conflicting emotions at the same time has been a direct correlation to how much success I've had. A success I mean by the letters of people telling me how much the words that I've written, the words that I have spoken and shared from my heart, ultimately that is my art that people have received it well and of course there are people that are misunderstanding me and people that are calling me names and telling me all sorts of things about what they think, who I am, etc, etc. But those are the conflicts inside of me that I am becoming comfortable with experiencing, comfortable with alchemizing, because if that's the price that I have to pay in order to feel free, then I'm going to pay that price for the rest of my life. Oh, I don't know if you heard that, I just cracked my back. You know, my mother was on the phone to a family friend and she was just like saying, you know, mocking a little bit about what I do, about money doesn't matter then, you know, I don't worry about money and hurts my feelings when people misunderstand me, but I understand that I must let that go and relax my chest, relax my belly and just appreciate it from certain levels of consciousness and certain levels of actual depth of curiosity, sincere seeking. People are going to misunderstand me if they're not a sincere seeker. So they just take what I say on this level, the surface level, you know, I want to talk about money because our money relationship is the direct correlation of how we create it. As I say, financial freedom isn't millions in savings. Financial freedom is receiving from what you love giving. I mean that. How quick can you get money? Do you have to go to work and give eight hours a day and then make money at the end of the month? Or can you just receive it in an hour, receive it overnight? And here's the, you know, my group classes, like the more I work, the more hyper I get or not hyper, but, you know, I'm enthralled by what it is that I do. I sell my product like I'm in love with it because I really am like I'm standing beside a partner that I cannot believe that I've had the opportunity to meet. I've been graced by their being. It's not like, well, you know, yeah, I've got to get up nine o'clock for work. Like, you know, it's like, you know, well, you know, but it pays the bills. It puts the food on the table. I didn't want that life. I wasn't going to have that life. I refused to have that life. I refused to have that life. But I also for so long refused to choose this one as well. I did. I chose not to talk about the things that I was afraid of sharing and what people thought of me. This persona is a powerful, um, powerful shield. But what good is your shield and your helmet and your torso? What are they called? What are they called? Chain mail and your plate legs. You've got all this armor on that you've collected throughout your life and then you've got to climb up a mountain and that, you know, what good is that? You've got to let go of all the armor to climb the mountain. You're not going to make it to the top. It's too heavy. Maybe it's true that, you know, you reach certain mountains in life and for certain mountains, there were need, there was need for the armor, right? So you picked it up on a way because you actually developed it. You needed it. But then there's a part where you get to the peak and you realize, Oh, there's another peak. Oh, there's another peak. And there are parts of your path that you must be completely naked in order to find out who it is that you truly are. The truth of what you are is limitless. I mean it. And if you realize you're limitless, you will have unlimited money. And I don't mean like you've got billions in a bank account. I just mean that you're going to have everything that you need today to do the things that you need to do today. Why would you need any more than that? If you want the roots and the fruits you once produce, you're not your past, you're not your mistakes, you're not your traumas, you are simply the tree. And as you adjust your spirit, it changes the fruits. It changes the branches, things that you're connected to. It changes all of it from within. This inner realization of the truth of what you are. So this is a path that I'm offering you. To put your faith in God. To give your life to God. To give your life to understanding Christ. Understanding the teachings of the sages that came before us. We are seeking the essence of what we truly are and all the things our eyes can see. We don't really want what we want and what it is that we feel in others and the desire or the envy to have what they want or do what they do. It's not even what we're seeing. It's the feeling that we're after. The essence of it all. The essence of the car, the essence of the service, the essence of their freedom that we witness. That's what we want. You might want my essence of freedom that you realize in me, that you perceive in me, but sing it, but to write it, but to play it, to act it, to build it, build from a place of liberation. I said, break me down and build me up so I can serve the people. You know I ain't never care for the things that concern most people. I've had many conversations like this with God. I told him I was willing to give up everything, no matter what it costs. All the while everybody around me was like, stop doing that. That's not even real. That's not even real and I'm pushing up against this wall, pushing up against this wall, testing the boundaries of what I think is possible or is true to me and what's true to everybody else. It's feeling inside of me saying there's something out there and I broke through the wall this year. So it's easy for me to teach other people. It's easy for me to do what I do. It's like I've been giving the birds eye view from the maze from as a gift of my faith and people come to me and I'm like, oh yeah, because it is. Can you see that now? And they're like, oh, how do you? Because I've got through the wall and so people can say what they want about me, but I broke through the wall. Everybody's in their head and when you move into your heart you access ancient wisdom. That's why all of the people that make it have books and courses and everything that they do telling the same sort of story just in their own form, in their own way, in their own art for expression. People always tell me that I remind them of Wayne Dyer or as the Hicks or Jordan Peterson or Russell Brand and I say this humbly. I mean this like Tony Robbins I've gone and it's because the messages are all the same ultimately. The truth that I access, the truth that I've been given access to is the same truth that they were realising. I realised that this is broken recently for some reason. That you develop this trust and this psychic space around you as you move towards what you want. It's like you've been looking through a dusty or foggy window all your life and the more you move towards what it is that you want for yourself, what your soul desires, not what your mind desires. You let go of the desires of the mind. Maybe that's a necessary part of the path, shedding the armour and the things that you thought that you wanted them because they were based on your preferences from the pain, the roots and the fruits you once produced. You move into cleansing your spirit by developing your faith, by overcoming fears, by facing them, not avoiding them. And on the other end of this portal of fear there you are, somebody capable of serving humanity in the best way possible in a way that will be so fulfilling that you will just, like me, maybe, have thoughts of death. Death is imminent. Is this it? I've completed the game, I've cracked out of the game, I've broken out of the game, I get it. Is this it? The ego feels like it's going to die, it's going to die, it's not in panic mode anymore, it's not in insecurity anymore, it's not in survival mode anymore. What's the point of being anymore, I'm going to die? You'll be dead by then, all these thoughts that I've thought since I've broken through. Because I didn't realise how safe it was to just be myself, so I developed the ego, but now I realise it's safe without all the armour and the ego, it's like the armour is talking to me saying, well, you don't need me anymore, it thinks it's going to die, well, in essence, I don't know what happens in the future, but now I guide the ego, you know, I love the ego, I'm 10 to the ego, I'm not here to kill anything, I'm here to allow it to gracefully fall off when the timing is right. Parts of it slowly, but surely, I reveal myself more and more with each word that I trust to fall out of my mouth. And of course, I trust, strengthens the more that people reach out and tell me, wow, that touched me. I don't know how, I don't know why I'm doing, I don't even know what I'm saying, I don't even know what's going on. The mic makes me look professional and these glasses, the glasses aren't even real, they're just glass, look, it's just glass, it's not even real, they don't, actually, they hinder my eyesight, because they're like, mucky, I need to get them fixed, I need to, because anyway, that's another story for another day. I think I should leave you with that, my beautiful people, my beautiful souls, I think I've given you enough to feel through, enough to contemplate. God, I know you already guide all of the people listening to this podcast or my voice right now, but I want to ask you, can you guide them to open their hearts, keep their hearts open, guide them to be strong through the pain, to alchemize their pain through facing their fears, aligning them with their soul's purpose, helping them live a life of fulfilment, to move out a place of saviour into a place of service, from a place of lust into a place of love, help them shed the falsity in order for them to inner-stand the truth of what they are, which is you, God, limitless and all-knowing. Okay. I'm going to leave you with that. Well, that was it, I think. The first ever podcast, that was such a random thing, I just wanted to sit down and have a conversation and then that all came out, so it's like I'm waking up out of a dream state. I love you all, I really do, I really, really, really do. I'll speak to you soon, okay? Bye-bye. I'm struggling now, I had to turn it off. Oh, here we go.