FM Talk 1065 Podcasts
Jolene Roxbury Variety Hour 9-14-24
The following broadcast is "Rocky Live" and "In Color". Hey Jolene! Wait, Jolene, where is everybody? I keep getting the feeling that we've done all this before. Like this is some sort of encore presentation of the Jolene Roxbury for "80 Hours Show". Wonder what's going on? I don't want to hear no more of that Goofy talk. You do the talking, all you've got to do is be a good listener. Popular radio entertainment for the masses. Sweet Jesus, please let this work. Stay alive. Yeah! It's time to have some fun. There's a good time on the way. Yes, it's time to laugh and sing. Time to brighten up y'all's days. We got Jolene up in the house and the Roxbury is on the way. Jolene, it's Mama. Is somebody in there with you? It's time to have some fun. There's a good time on the way. Yes, it's time to laugh and sing. Time to brighten up y'all's days. We got Jolene up in the house and the Roxbury is on the way. Hello friends. Welcome everybody. Mm-hmm. I'm Jolene Roxbury along with so many of the Roxbury players this week. Gee, it's not often we have a studio really, really full of the Roxbury players. I'm kind of wondering what they have up their sleeve. If somebody wants more money, I don't know. Nobody's touching my Girl Scout cookies. Yeah, I still, I do. I have them in the freezer. I'm not supposed to eat them, but, you know, I do a little bit. So last week and the week before, kind of been missing big brother Jim Weaver. Oh wait, last week. Yeah, we did, we revisited our 400th episode. Jim, you were there for that. That was worth replaying it. So, oh, welcome Jim Weaver everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Sometimes Jim goes out of town. He goes to these big radio dude functions. Well, sure. What do you call them? Radio dude functions. Yeah, that. Yeah. And sometimes he just doesn't feel like being here. You know, that would be a reason. It would be a lame one, but it would be a reason, sure. Well, and if one of the Roxbury players has been detained, I might have to miss being here, sitting in my captain's chair. If one of the Roxbury players needs me, you'll have to drop everything and go take care of that. So, you know, it surprised it to say that it has to be a really good reason for me not to be doing the show. Once, a couple of years ago, once, I left the show in the shaky little hoofs of Earl T. Did not go very smoothly. We'll leave it at that. And surprisingly, he was not the one who was detained, okay? Most of his warrants are in California. But we do have a phone call. This is a great way to start the show. Our very own Martha Stewart is with us today and she's going to talk with us about some alcohol-free beverages we can prepare for Labor Day celebrations, really any celebration. You know, because sometimes you do have a gathering where you don't want to serve alcohol, or it might be a time when you, you know, you just don't want it, okay? You just don't drink. And these are some nice light drinks that anyone can enjoy. So, let's get into it. Martha, are you staying busy? I spent most of my days working in the garden, lunching Al Briscoe, and celebrating life's moments with wholesome programming such as Little House on the Prairie, The Golden Girls, and my favorite comedy of all time, Jolene. Um, I love Lucy? Who's the boss? Uh, that Tony Danza. Hmm. He really cranks my tractor. Really? Well, he used to. Oh, he's looking rather like a pair of vintage Adidas sneakers. Oh, now who could that be? That sounds nice. I've had an old-school doorbell installed in the studio, Jolene. Isn't that delicious, Lee Vintage? It is. Would you mind getting the door, dear? Hi, y'all. Oh, good lord. What is it? It's all a game. You do mean good lord, don't you, Martha? Grace is yummy. Why are you here? Isn't there something that needs the country fried out of it? Girl, you are so funny. I got special studio warming present for you, girl. Little Earth. It's a sweet ladle that goes way back in my family for generations. My great-great-grandfather helped dig the Underground Railroad with it. Why, this ladle would lead people to freedom during the day and then serve up a lively possum stew when not time fail. Y'all. Today's program features delicious non-alcoholic beverages. You will be proud to serve to your guests. We begin with one of my favorites, pomegranate citrus juice. Non-alcoholic citrus never becomes boring, dear, when you mix together the juice of many fruits, such as grapefruits, tangerines, oranges, and tangelos. That's my pooble, it's name. Tangelos. Hey, it's yummy. Today we'll be adding a splash of pomegranate juice for a dose of color, flavor, and the all-important antioxidant. For this, you will need two small grapefruits. Girl, my great fruit can't have been small since the fifth grade. Two oranges, two tangerines, or many ole tangelos. One half lime and two pomegranates. Pomegranates? What did I say? I think you said pomegranates. It's, um, pomegranates. Even better, you'll want to use a citrus press or juicer to juice the grapefruits or just tangerines and lime. Juice the pomegranates into a separate bowl. I like to use this duck-shaped pewter bowl that's been passed down from my grandmother for generations in my family. Don't care. Divide citrus juice among three glasses and top with garnish. If it sits too long without moving, the pomegranate juice will settle to the bottom. That's exactly what happened to me when I started doing my own show. I sat for too long and I'll settle to my father. Next, we have the Apple Ginger Sparkler, which is sparkling cider spiked with ginger and cinnamon. Those were the names of these two mean girls at my high school, ginger and cinnamon. But I have had the last laugh on them. Life has not been kind to them two heifers. They are now prostitutes. Go ahead, Martha. For this recipe, you will need one fourth cup ginger syrup, four and a half cups sparkling apple cider. You might want to stay away from Walmart. Oh yeah, I'm not buying any Walmart apple juice. Six cinnamon sticks and six pieces of crystallized ginger. Crystals, yummy. Please two tablespoons ginger syrup in each glass. Fill glasses with ice cubes, pour in cider and stir. Okay, I'm showing that we have two recipes here. Do you have another light, frisky, non-alcoholic drink? A similar beverage just as refreshing and easy to prepare. The cranberry sparkler. Girl, I don't use sparklers no more. Do you know I set my hair on fire with them things? Shocking. Moving on, we have the ginger lime fizz. Fresh ginger flavors of simple syrup and is mixed with lime juice and seltzer. I mixed it with alcassette fur coat plus it clears up my sinuses. This non-alcoholic pink drink is a great treat for children. Now Martha, I heard that children got drunk as caterbrands at your house last year. Martha? Never mind. I'll have to speak with you later, dear. Get this woman off of my set. Youse, mommy. And we are not in the bay berry. Jolene, please. Jim, change of stupid music, please. Martha, steward everybody. Whoa, hey, this is Earl T. Reminding you that I can't remember what it is that I'm reminding you of. This is your duty! This is your duty! Reminding you that I can't remember what it is that I'm reminding you of. This is your duty! Reminding you that I can't remember what it is that I'm reminding you of. This is your duty! Reminding you that I can't remember what it is that I can't remember. This is your duty! In the backyard of his mansion. LeRoy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters, barbeque, and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a ten-foot, man-eaten alligator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned round and saw LeRoy in the pool. LeRoy was fighting the gator and kicking its butt on my dad. Jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, headbutts, and choke holds. Fighting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some sort of crazed judo instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. By this time, both LeRoy and the gator were screaming and raising all sorts of heck. Finally, LeRoy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime-store goldfish. LeRoy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally, the host said, "Well, LeRoy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." To which LeRoy replied, "God, don't worry about it. You don't owe me nothing. Come on, I insist on giving you something, man. That was amazing. How about a new portion of Rolex and some stock options?" Again, LeRoy replied no. "I replied no." Confused, the rich man asked LeRoy. "Well, the word you won't." Curiously firing up a Virginia Slim's mentor, LeRoy replied, "Just give me the name with a sombre. She threw me into that pool." "It's the jewelry Roxbury show." Yep, hers it sure is. And on behalf of all the Roxbury players, thank you so much for tuning in. Sometimes it's just good to be a little bit silly. Just sit back and go, "You don't have to make too much sense." And let us whisk you away just for a little while. Rest yourself, Shah, as my grandma used to tell me. When the stresses of the day get you down, settle down into a nice hot bath. Open a bottle of champagne. Take a sip. Isn't it wonderful the way the tiny bubbles tickle your nose? Now, pour it over your head. The tiny bubbles tickle your hair. Then turn into a rich, luxurious lather. Oh, this is no ordinary champagne. Oh, it's shampoo pain. The delicious beverage that relaxes your body while cleansing and deep conditioning your hair. Why settle for ordinary shampoo? I don't know. It tastes terrible. Instead, for those special moments, enjoy shampoo pain. Especially for those times in the big tub or shower, when you're not alone. Toast each other. Douse each other. Give each other scalp a vigorous cleansing rub. Rinse and repeat. Your hair will have an intoxicating shine. Pick up some shampoo pain. It's so luxurious. Available wherever finer vintage champagnes are sold. I have select truck stops at way stations. Time to get to work on the radio spot spot. What's a spot spot? Funny, creative. Original radio spots for your small business is our specialty. You know, a lot of small businesses don't advertise because they can't afford to hire an agency to think up something fun and entertaining. So, what's a spot spot? By the way, you are not allowed to do any more voiceovers. Why the heck not? Well, that Macadill Productions right create and produce an amazing radio spot for your business. We can adapt them to use for your television commercials as well. Make the most of the airtime you're already paying for. We believe in the fabulosity of local radio, local television, local media, shopping, local. We're good at what we do. Get in touch with us on the Jolene Roxbury variety, our Facebook page, or email me directly, Jolene@JoleneRoxbury.com. And what is it the lawyer dude says I will personally return your call? Full disclosure, it might be earlty who calls you back. And you know what they say in baseball? It's a great day for a commercial? Let's make two! Yeah, I don't think that's how that saying goes. Aw. Roxbury! This is the best of the Jolene Roxbury variety hour! Which is kind of sad when you think about it. Roxbury! Good day, I'm Regina Wainwright. This is lesson number 41A on how to converse in Alabama, USA. When conversing with an Alabamaian, you must keep in mind that it is a common occurrence for consonants to be left totally out of a word for no apparent reason. Whereby, leaving behind a conglomeration of vowel sounds likened only to the sound of a mother wildebeest defending her calf against a pack of wild dogs. These words are often referred to as condensed words. Try to identify the condensed word in the following sentence. Skeeter was sick today, but I'm certain he'll be "I" tomorrow. Did you identify the condensed word? Let's listen again. Skeeter was sick today, but I'm certain he'll be "I" tomorrow. If you said "Alright", you're 100% "I" Let's move on to this lesson's definition. The term "tor-up" is in itself incorrect grammar. As in the sentence, while on her smoke break, Diane was served with a restraining order, but it was tore up by the time she got back to her post in the toddler room. Straining, I don't need your straining, I'm gonna tear his truck up. The term "tor-up" can also function as an adjectival phrase in the same sentence, meaning "broken". Upset, thus, Diane was tore up over the fact that her smoke break was ruined when she was served with a restraining order. There is also an occasion for a condensed version of "tor-up". When, as is tradition, the central consonant "r" is removed, resulting in the term "toe-up", a phrase that carries essentially the same meaning and can serve the same functions. However, the term "toe-up" is most often used to describe the state of being exceedingly intoxicated. As in, Lloyd came in at four o'clock this morning, "toe-up" as a homeless person's bicycle. Did you notice that the term "toe-up" was actually comparing two nouns? In this sentence, it is made clear to the reader that Lloyd and his bicycle were both exceedingly "toe-up". That's it for today's lesson on how to converse in Alabama, USA. I'm Regina Wainwright. Join us next time, won't you? Hi, I'm a high-strung college student, and even I listen to the Jolie and Roxbury variety hour. 'Cause, I mean, they're all weird and unbalanced, just like me. Think of all the things that cause you stress every day, traffic, the office, the family. All this stress causes headache pain. When you feel a stress headache coming on, reach for new, improved calmo-fed. But aspirin upsets my stomach. Don't worry. There's no aspirin in calmo-fed. And caffeine makes me generate. No problem. There's no caffeine in calmo-fed either. I just don't trust all those buffers and extra ingredients. Chill out, you big weenie. There are no artificial ingredients or chemicals in calmo-fed, okay? Oh, okay. Give it here. I'll try something. Let me pull out the cotton. Hey, the cotton is the only thing in the bottle. That's right. Just stick it in your ears. Oh, okay. Now, the stress that causes headaches is gone. Isn't that right, you paranoid wimp? What? Calmo-fed. Absolutely no artificial ingredients. No harmful ingredients. No ingredients at all. What? Don't use only as directed. Do not use in the path of heavy machinery. What? What? What? What? Calmo-fed. Don't you feel calmer already? This portion of the Julian Rucksberry Variety Hour is brought to you by Joe's Squash Stand. Here's Joe. Hi, I squash things. Cause houses, egos, pumpkins, careers, bugs. Can you squash squash? It seems redundant. How do you do it? Like it is two-ton metal boot. Why would anyone have a two-ton metal boot? Are you making fun of my feet? You just squashed my self-respect. Oh, sorry. No, no, no. That's good. You want a job? This is your old team, and you're listening to the best of the Julian Rucksberry Variety Club. The best of what? Eating suit season is here, and, you know, we're in the south, so it's really going to run through at the end of October. Around here, you could actually wear your bathing suit as your Halloween costume. And right about now, some of us are watching every bite of food that goes into our mouths. And you don't want other people to see you eating the wrong types of food, cause then you look ridiculous if you complain about gaining weight. But you still want to eat that stuff. Some of us have to resort to hiding, hiding to eat what we want. And just make that part of your new diet. You know, starting a diet is easy. It's staying on one that's hard. And how do you cheat on your diet after you've already told everybody about it? You don't want your friends to see you chow down an entire pan of seven-layer dip. It's embarrassing. But what's a girl to do? Oh! Last week, I was vlogging about this new diet I started. Girl, I didn't last two days on that thing. I told you chips, cookies, I made everything I could get my hands on. And I'm much unhappy about that. Can't let nobody know I fell off the wagon, and I don't want to lie. But it's all you can eat appetizers at the club tonight. This could get scandalous. Oh! Hey there, girl, you standing in the buffet line. Better watch your plate. You best stand aside and let me serve up my... I need carbohydrates. 'Cause if I pile it on fast, then maybe no one will know. Don't want to put on a show that I'll be eating like a hog on the other side of that dog. That's right, that's why I'm eating in the ladies room. I shouldn't eat this. Got a night for a and some. It's so full of carbs, that's right, I'm eating in the ladies room. Where's my napkin? I'll be back real soon. Hey! When you get to get out of there, we get some line of people waiting to pee out here. Sometimes being a woman? It ain't easy. You often suffer from back aches, irritable bowel, bloatedness, muscle spasm, anxiety, depression, explosive diarrhea, incontinence, swelling of the limbs, blurred vision, unwanted hair, headache, carpal tunnel syndrome. Are you uncoordinated and find yourself unable to perform simple tasks? Like what? Such as skiing on the backs of dolphins. That happens to me just the other day. Well, if you're a woman, chances are that all of the above-listed symptoms will happen to you and your life will begin falling apart by the time you reach age 30. No! No! Scientific studies conducted in laboratories and places you've never heard of have determined that women are inherently weak, fragile, and typically unable to cope with life. Simply by being born female, there is a 100% guarantee that your entire skeletal system is doomed to collapse. No! Now if you listen closely, you can hear your bones shrinking as we speak. I can really hear it! Face it, you're a woman, and there's little that can be done about it until now. Oh, my God! From the makers of "Elimagely" in "Euroblast", the world's first caffeinated douche comes Tylofim. Tylofim? At the Tylofim Laboratories, our team of certifiable biochemists have created a chain of really big, scary words designed to make you feel hyper-conscious and develop an extreme disabling awareness about your mortality. [phone rings] Hello! Hello, Barry! It's Rhonda. Hey! I need you to stop at this door and get me some Tylofim. Tylofim, what do you need that for? Don't ask me why I could be dying right now! Ah, one of those women's things, huh? Just hurry up! All right, all right! If you are a woman, you should take Tylofim. We're not sure what it does, but our research proves that you should be buying it, Tylofim, because being a woman is scary as hell. [screaming] Chicks! There is a new SUV that's unlike any other. It's big because you want big, but you also don't want to worry about lousy gas mileage. And with the new Skeeter SUV, that worry is a thing in the past. Thanks to new hybrid technology, you can get more miles per gallon in your big Skeeter SUV. How does it work? Easy! As you approach a witty little car from the rear and start to climb over it with a Skeeter's patented action track suspension, a special little tube, projects from the Skeeter, piercing the gas tank of the car, and sucking out all the gas therein. It only takes a few seconds. Then you can roll right over that car and leave its empty husk behind as nature intended. Yes, the new Skeeter is a hybrid of SUV technology and classic mosquito design. The Skeeter is definitely an itch you can scratch. Get over to your Skeeter dealer today, but hurry. Get there before you see a Skeeter in your rear view mirror. Hope you guys are having a great weekend. I want you to remember to do two things this weekend. First, follow the Jolene Roxbury variety hour on Facebook. Second, download the FMTalk 1065 app. You can do all kinds of things with the app. You can get in touch with mobile mornings with Dan and Dalton in the morning. Yep, just push the little microphone button. And you'll be able to send them messages in real time. Same goes for midday mobile with Sean Sullivan. You will also have access on the go to over 50 hours a week of local programming. Thanks for taking us along with you. We'll be right back. So meet me right back here. Welcome back to the Jolene Roxbury variety hour. And now, here's your host, a more hostess. Here's the Twinkie. It's Jolene. What? You know, that's something new you've started lately. Calling me a Twinkie. I don't care much for that. But I know you don't mean it in an ugly way. So we'll go with that. Hey, you know what time it is? Hi, y'all, babies. Welcome once again. Glad to have you. Glad to have you here at Bell's sassy tailgate. I don't like that name. It sounds stupid. Sticks and stones. Sticks and stones. Welcome also to the man that scores in my kitchen every time. Mr. Alec Naaman. Hey, Miss Bell, how you doing today? Ready to fire up the old tailgate again. How about you? Yeah, darling. All right, for our tailgate party this week, we're going to be grilling. Alaskan wild salmon with... what does that do? With some Asian mustard glaze. Something Alaskan and Asian in the same dish? Hey, allie, Clegg. You don't sound like you're from Alaska, man. I know I don't sound Asian. Oh, yeah, well, I guess you're right on that one, dude. I do love a good salmon recipe. This one's pretty good. You get your grill fired up, okay? Okay, so I got six nice salmon fleas, dude. Season them on both sides of a little salt and pepper. Okay. All right, you can place that fish right on the grill. And you can cover with either the lid from the grill, or you can put like a stainless steel bowl over the top of it. But you want to get it sealed where the heat works around it. You don't want to grill it more than about eight or ten minutes without turning it, okay? That's why you want to put the lid down. In the meanwhile, you take a little bowl and you mix some oil, some olive oil, some ground mustard. Like grape or pine. A powdered mustard, like a spice mustard, you know, like ground mustard. A spicy mustard, okay. Now it just takes like a brown mustard, just like you put on a sandwich. You take a little bit of honey. Like the candy, bit of honey. That sticks to my veneers. Can't do that. Did you really just say that? Take a little bit of soy sauce, take a little bit of orange juice. Where's the orange juice? Oh, sorry, Bill. I just drank the last of the orange juice. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I keep a can of some of the Donald Duck orange juice or... My dad used to use it to mix with vodka, man. I used to try it when he wasn't looking. It's pretty old, though. I mean, the juice, not my old man, although he's old too. Well, look, it's got a Nixon for president sticker on the can. Alec. You can use granulated ginger or you can chop some fresh ginger, a little bit of parsley. All right, and then... Hey, my glaze, it's way too watery. Look at this. Nothing I do comes out right. You're too thick in your glaze. You can use a little tamari. No, no, I want to finish this today. Tamari, tomorrow. You can make like a little bit of slurry, like, you know, using a little corn starch and water to make a little slurry. What? Slurry? Like I get a bit like that sometimes. Slurry! God, you embarrassed me. In the last three or four minutes, you can brush the fish with the glaze. Then immediately turn the filet on the grill over and replace the cover on top. Then you can brush a little more glaze on it, and it comes good and kind of congeals onto the fish. You can serve each piece right on top of a simple batch of green lettuce or some spring mix lettuce or any of that kind of stuff. With this bag of greens, you can grill you some vegetables to go with this dish. It's just wonderful, but nonetheless, that Asian mustard glaze on top of that wild salmon just tastes scrumptious. Hope you enjoy. For these and other of our fabulous recipes, visit namenskatering.com Guests of the Jolene Roxbury variety hour stay at that big fancy hotel downtown. The rest of us stay at the Motel 3. A way she never has any guests? People just like you talk about their skin irritations. I have this skin rash that really gets bad when it gets hot and my shorts ride up. It's a real bad itching burning sensation, right? Where you don't want a real bad itching burning sensation. I was going to my afternoon tea. Even this terrible itch started up. It was like there were fire ants in my blooms. It started between my toes and worked its way up to my knees. Before I knew it, my stomach was red. My chest was red. Even my neck was red. Man, that itch. That terrible itching burning sensation. You may think there's nothing you can do about it. That's where you're wrong. Purple Planet introduces this three volume audio cassette collection of people talking about their own terrible itching burning sensations. Once you listen to them talk, you'll realize you're not so bad off after all. 90% of my skin turned bright red and flaked off. Felt like the Dallas cheerleaders were going all over my body with belt sanders. Feel better? Purple Planet. Terrible itching burning complainers. Wherever fine recordings are sold. Also available in disco mix. This is Mandy Snow with your ultimate traffic watch. Wow, busy out there today. I am so going to be late for my statistics class this morning. My friend Megan just called and said a school bus overturned in front of the main street retirement village. That's gotta have traffic way back up over there. If anybody knows anything about it, give me a call at the station, okay? So I can let everybody do. Dude, I'm driving up on something now. It's a total wreck. Dude, that is totally Warren's car. Megan, if you're listening, Warren has totally totaled your car. Dude. Hey dude, check me out. I'm driving this fishing van. Hey, ever wake up in the morning with somebody you don't know, and they're really gross? Dude, get down to the Midtown Clinic. Ask for their $99 special limits burn and fuel in our pump and it's probably not good. Ask for Mr. William. Tell him Mandy sent you. Hey, I'm Mandy Snow with your Ultimate Traffic Wash. Jolene, it's Kane. Hey, hey, darling. Everybody, it's our favorite traffic guy, Kane. It's good to hear from you. You doing okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm doing fine. I don't know. I know that tone. You sound irritated. What's going on? It's just that, well, I didn't think you were still using the Mandy Snowflake traffic reporter, whatever you call it. Mandy Snow, although, yeah, she is a snowflake, but it's Mandy Snow. What's wrong? Are you making fun of me? No. Why would you think that? You're using my old music bed and sound effects from years ago. Well, you're not using them anymore. That's the best you could do because I know you guys are pretty lazy. That is offensive. I'm using your old bed music and the sound effects because, well, it sounds traffic-y. And they do sound a bit nostalgic to the listener's ear. Kind of traffic reports, circa, Kane 2010. Just try to keep them at a minimum, okay? I can do that. And by the way, uh-huh. Keep that pumpkin polka song at a minimum this season too, will ya? Look, I'm not going to promise that. We have a set number of weeks we can appropriately play the pumpkin patch polka. And I'm playing it through Thanksgiving because it makes people happy. It's a joyous little song. I know why Jim hates it. Why do you not like it? That thing gave me severe headaches for a decade. I seriously doubt that. Um, maybe I'll back off the volume just a little bit. Maybe change the pitch on it or something. You know, I could tweak the pitch just a little bit if you're serious and it's sending you into some cranial distress. I will do that. I'll do that just for you. Okay. Okay, love you guys. We love you. Bye. The celebrity voices you are about to hear are not real. Only tragic impersonations. I'm Morgan Freeman. It's like I've said many times before. You either get busy laughing or get busy dying. Make sure you listen to the Jolene Roxbury variety hour this weekend. It's the right thing to do. Some ladies like to use just a little perfume. Hi. Hi. Say, what's that delightful subtle fragrance gently wafting in the breeze? That's my perfume. Some ladies like to use just a little more perfume. Hi. Off you. Open a window. Okay. Then there are the ladies who really know how to wear a perfume. Hi. Home. Now there's the wallpaper. Some firearms. Put out that mess. For those ladies, there's Parthum in a drum. 50 gallons of high-octane perfume with handistry nozzle. And if you order a weak supply along with a dozen drums, you get a free-basting brush. So don't wait to stand out in a crowd. Hand me that chainsaw, Virgil, so I can get through this vapor trail now. Parthum in a drum. So he can even find you in the dark from a mile away. For your convenience, environmental impact statements are included with every order. The Showing Roxbury for a hour. Millions of people have already unlocked the secret and are finding out that learning a new language can be fun, easy and effective with Rosetta Stone. We've made it as easy as sitting down in front of your computer with coffee and a muffin. But what about people with no internet connection? I ain't got no internet. People who aren't able to afford DVD players or laptop computers. Can't afford none of that. Woo! Some cigarettes has gotten high. Guess I can go to the library. What about people who live in areas so remote there isn't a public library for a hundred miles? Well, I guess I can... Shut up. At Rosetta Stone, not only do we produce the world's leading language learning software, but are sensitive to those in challenging circumstances who need more personal instruction. OK, who's ready to learn from Mexico up in here? This year, we are proud to announce a revolutionary way to bring you the opportunity to learn a new language no matter where you live. Introducing Ms. Rosetta Stone. Say it with me. My name is Ms. Rosetta Stone. OK, this right here is a Chima Chunga. Believe it, as with our award-winning CD and DVD ROM packages, Ms. Rosetta approaches language learning the same way you first learned a language. Oh, you better shut up and listen when I'm saying a bit, but what did I tell you? You better learn how to talk before you go somewhere. Ain't you ever seen that show locked up abroad? They would throw your butt in jail and treat you in a kind of way. Using a natural method that teaches directly without translation. Don't you argue with me? Agua means water. Not Agua. Agua like Aquaman. Uh-huh. No more confusing grammar explanations. Why is a Mexican word for "scain"? Or mind-numbing vocabulary lists to memorize. Burrito, salsa, taco, chimichanga, macukuracha, that means cockroach. Millions of people have already utilized the personal instruction of Ms. Rosetta Stone. I know that's right. As she can be dispatched to over 150 countries. Welcome to France. Set France. I ain't going to France. And rich your life by learning a new language. Oh, and Britain. OK, I ain't going to Britain. I don't wear a stay-teef over there. With Ms. Rosetta Stone at the helm. The future of language learning is very bright indeed. I ain't going to know. You could tan panitula. Because that's why all the hurricanes come from. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. And you can believe that I ain't going to believe. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That is funny. Visit our website. Book your session today and learn a new language with Ms. Rosetta Stone. I know that's right. On a two in chiladas and three burritos, please. Allez! That is tragical. Ha, ha, ha. If you're listening to me trying to learn a new language, it is tragical. I mean, I'm definitely able to learn new stuff. I do it every day. But sometimes I just don't retain new information. Seem to be retaining nothing but fluid these days. I don't know. Just feel puffy. Just walking around puffy. Ever feel that way? Puffy and fuzzy-brained. We're going to take a short break right now, but be sure to come back. We'll be here with more show. This is your LT. And you're listening to the best of the Jolene Roxbury variety hour. I mean, right now. Me talking. That's the best. Ha, ha, ha, ha. The best of the Jolene Roxbury variety hour. I know it sounds kind of silly when you start thinking about it too hard, huh? Welcome back to the show, everybody. I'm Jolene Roxbury. Thanks for taking us along with you wherever you are, whatever you're getting yourself into this weekend. We appreciate it. And I'm especially excited about what is this? The bell hour? Oh, she did. Awesome. Awesome. Put her through. Hey. Jolene, hi. It's Belle here. Yeah, yeah. What's up? I just wanted you to know I took your advice and I adopted a shelter pet last week. Well, that's great. I'm glad to hear that. Yes, I adopted a six month old Calico cat. Wonderful. Oh, she's gorgeous. And you call her... Her name is Ophelia. Beautiful. So how's it going? Well, right now it's kind of a love-hate relationship. Oh, I just hate what she's doing to my house, Jolene. Sorry. When did I get out of this space? Well, usually they grow up a little. Cats are always going to be kind of mischievous, but it'll be alright. It can't be soon enough. I wrote a song about it. You did? Do you want to hear it? Um, does it matter? Exactly. Sometimes you sleep all afternoon. Sometimes you race around the room. You pooped outside your litter box. And you peed on all my husband's socks. You dug up my tulip bulbs from Amsterdam. And shredded all my drapes. You covered all your paws in potting soil. Then across my white rug, you did drapes. You're lucky you won the saving grace. It's that sweet look up on your face. My doctor, Seuss, helped you in his hat. You are my love, my friend. My cat. No, no, no. Grandma Cadose, ceramic teapot. Oh, no. You know what? If you'd like a copy of Belle's Cat Song, what does she call it? My cat. And what? She's a Belle's slipping man. What is this? Oh, okay. If anybody would like a copy of Belle's big hit, My Cat, I'll e-mail it to you. You can e-mail me, Jolene at jolenerocksberry.com, or send us a message from our Facebook page, the Jolenerocksberry variety hour. We'll be happy to send you a copy of that. Uh, bring you into the fall season. Uh, you may have a kitten at home yourself you're dealing with, and that'll help you, maybe help you get through it. I think it works with puppies too. What's new? Bob walked into a sports bar. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde and stared up at the TV behind the bar. The 10 p.m. news was coming on. The top story that night was about a man on the ledge of a large building, preparing to jump. The beautiful blonde looked up at Bob and said, Do you think he's going to jump? Well, yeah, you know, I bet he'll jump. I don't think he's going to jump. I don't think you know what you're talking about. I bet that he will not jump. Bob plays to $20 bill on the bar. You're on. Just as the beautiful blonde plunked her money down on the bar, the guy on the ledge took a nose die. I am on a drug, it's called Shirley Sheen. The beautiful blonde was very upset. I'm very upset. She willingly handed her $20 to Bob. Here you go. You won fair and square. No, no, no, I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m. news. So I knew he would jump. Yeah, I saw him jump on the 5 o'clock too. But I didn't think he'd do it again. Whoa. I see people going to college for 14 years. Studying to be doctors and lawyers. I see people getting up at 7.30 every morning. Going to work at the drug store in a cell full air pins. But the most amazing thing to me is... I get paid for doing... Roxbury! Please answer. Answer your pick up. Hello 9-1-1, what is your emergency? I'm in the bathroom. Sir. Ma'am. Sir. Ma'am. You're going to have to talk a little bit louder, sir. I cannot understand you. I can't... This is Bill Caddell. I'm in the bathroom a condo. What is the problem, ma'am? My husband has overdosed on those man vitamins. You know? Man vitamins. You have those pills that make men happy and just... Oh, okay. You talk about those pills on the TV. Yes. Where that ugly man is playing golf with that really big club. With that goofy look on his face. That's the one in his overdosed. And for the past four days he's been just enhanced. I can't stand it anymore. We're on vacation. I must ask you again. Where is your problem with that? Well, then we're on vacation. I've got friends over. What would you like for me to do? Would you like for me to send over some other people? No. Or perhaps some cocktails and food to your house or something? Absolutely not. I've got shopping to do. Man, where are you at? I'm in my condo. I don't know. Could use a tracking chart. Man, we do not have that. This is not lieutenant or horror. What? You're going to have to let me know your location. I don't know the address. I've got shopping to do. I'm not being rude. I am simply trying to help you. I do not understand that this is not an emergency. It's used to me. We're trying to play cards. I'm looking at my bulletin board right now. This did not make the list of emergencies. I don't say nothing about a woman being locked up in her bathroom with her husband wanting to get his freak on for four days in a row. You have to go home. No. I'm not going home to HR stiff and stuff. He's making me crazy. He's going to go home and take care of your business. I'm trying to. Everybody else does. I need some help. Don't you dare leave me. I cannot talk with you anymore, man. Don't hang it up. Don't hang it up. No. Don't hang it up on you now. No, don't hang it up. No, hell. Five hundred singing hopefuls. Only one can reach the top and get a record contract. First, they must all go before the judges. Fifty judging hopefuls. Only three can reach the top and judge the five hundred singing hopefuls that are now choosing the judges that will judge them. The Squirrel Network presents American Idolatry, where people who'd like to be a judge audition in front of all five hundred singers who will get selected. Oh, that really stank. You should get a job cleaning out sewers. You're out of here. That was lovely. I hope you go all the way. Congratulations. You're going to the finals. Are you sick of judges you hate hating the singers you love? See what happens when the singers judge which judges will judge the singers that the singing judges judge on American Idolatry? Under their presentation of the Squirrel Network. We make shows for nut. That's stank. Thanks for taking us along with you this weekend. Next weekend, meet us right back here. It's that simple. See you soon. A Jolene Roxbury variety hour contains copyrighted material and cannot be duplicated or rebroadcast and whole or in part without the express written consent of Macadow Productions. We love you America. Join us next time for more Madcap Adventures on the Jolene Roxbury variety hour. I'm Mr. Announcer. (upbeat music)